The Brady Bunch (1969) s03e17 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
MARCIA: Mom, how
come we suddenly decided
to clean all this old junk out of the attic?
Because we need
room for all the new junk.
Listen, I think I've toted my last barge
and lifted my last bale.
Besides, I want to work on this
before the kids get at it.
I've heard that before.
( laughing )
What's so funny?
This old picture's so funny.
Look at it. Look.
That's a picture
of my great-grandmother.
Is that supposed to be a bathing suit?
That is a turn-of-the-century
full-length bikini.
As a matter of fact, my
great-grandmother got arrested
for wearing one of those.
What for?
Indecent exposure.
Well, look, her knees are showing.
Oh, horrors, that naughty girl.
( laughter )
Hey, look at this one.
It's Jan!
Gee, I don't remember taking that.
Well, you didn't, honey.
That's a picture of my Aunt Jenny.
It was taken when she
was just about your age.
My goodness, that must have been
about 40 years ago.
The resemblance is
remarkable, Mrs. Brady.
It really is, isn't it?
Looks just like Jan.
Exactly.
Gee, it's spooky.
Well, come on, everybody, up and at 'em.
There are a lot more goodies in the attic.
Come on.
I wonder what she looks like now.
Maybe that's what
you're going to look like.
I think I'll send Aunt Jenny
a picture of myself
and ask her to send me
a picture of herself.
Good idea.
I'm going to write her right away.
I can hardly wait to see
what she looks like.
( Humming )
Hi, Alice.
Hi, sweetie.
Is there any mail for me today?
Honey, you have been
asking me that for ten days.
And, every day, I have told
you the same thing "no!"
Today I'm going to tell you "yes."
There is? On the counter.
Oh!
It's from her! It's from her!
It's from who? It's from who?
JAN: "Dear soul sister,
thanks for your picture
"and I bet we're the first twins
"that were ever born 40 years apart.
"Like you wrote, it's real spooky.
"Enclosed is the latest photo of me.
"Hope that very soon
we can exchange hugs
"instead of pictures.
Love, Jenny."
Oh, boy
Oh, no
Eh eh
Screwdriver?
Thank you.
All right, Killer McGrew,
we got the building surrounded.
So you can drop your guns
and come out with your hands high.
Will you stop horsing around?
Eh? I'm a little deef.
( Half-whisper ):
Will you get me some oil?
I got a sticky turntable here.
Yes, Honorable Father.
Cut it out and get out of here.
Dad, can I talk to you for
a minute about something?
Why, sure.
Well, I'm having a little
problem with biology.
Well, I'm no Luther Burbank, but shoot.
Well, it's about heredity
and what makes people
grow up the way they do.
You mean chromosomes and genes.
I guess that's what I mean.
How do they work, dad?
Well, like I said, I'm no expert,
but the genes in your chromosomes
are what carry your, uh
huh your heredity
your traits from
generation to generation.
That's how come a bean ends up
looking like another bean
instead of a cucumber or something.
So you mean when you're born,
your genes have already figured out
what you're going to look like
when you grow up?
Yeah, pretty much.
Well, if two people looked
alike when they were children,
would they look alike
when they grew up?
Well, it's not for sure,
but there's every chance.
Ha-ha.
Does that clear things up a little?
That clears things up a lot.
I can see the wrinkles starting already.
Yuck.
( Pounding on door )
GREG: Jan, are you still in there?
I'll be out in a minute!
You've been saying a
minute for a half hour.
Now, come on, we've got to wash up.
Okay.
PETER: You're going to crack the mirror
looking at yourself so much.
I don't think that's at all funny.
Are you trying to say I'm so ugly,
my face could crack a mirror?
Hey, take it easy, Jan.
He was just kidding.
Well, I think it's the cruelest cruelty
to kid a person about her ugliness.
A person can't help how she looks.
She's weird.
Oh, so now I'm weird-looking?
He didn't say that.
Did you say "weird" or not?
I didn't mean weird weird
I meant strange.
Strange?
I can't do anything about my face,
so why tease me about it?
What was that all about?
Jan's got a thing about
her face all of a sudden.
What's the matter with it?
I don't know.
It's the same face she always had.
Jan
do you want to talk?
Come on.
That's what older sisters are for.
( Sniffles )
This is Aunt Jenny now
me 40 years from now.
What are you talking about?
Don't you understand?
If I look like this now,
I'll look like that then.
Who says so?
Heredity.
I read all about genes,
and I talked to Dad about it, too.
Jan, I think you're getting
all upset about nothing.
Don't try to make me feel better
'cause it won't work.
Look why worry about something now
that won't happen for 40 years?
I didn't think about it that way.
No sense in crying about it now.
I'll be happy while I still can.
And maybe, just maybe, I won't grow up
to look like her.
But I will!
I know I will!
( Crying )
Missionary? Why?
Well, this certain woman
has nothing to look forward to in life,
and she wants to dedicate
herself to good causes.
I saw a movie once about missionaries.
This girl, she got bitten by a tsetse fly
and she got this terrible disease
and while she was lying
in this crummy tent,
the natives started
beating on their drums.
And the next thing you know,
she was kidnapped by cannibals
and they put her in this big pot.
Oh, you're making it up.
I am not; It's a true story.
I saw it on the late show.
Or this woman could
join the Peace Corps
or the Navy
or work for a photographer
in a darkroom.
Now, that's out of left field
work in a darkroom?
Sure. In a darkroom,
it doesn't matter what a girl looks like.
CAROL: Mike, I've got great news.
Yeah, me, too, sweetheart.
If I have fixed this gramophone properly,
you're about to hear Al Jolson sing again.
Ah, terrific.
Yeah. What's your news, honey?
Aunt Jenny's coming
to visit us tomorrow.
Hey, great. I look forward to meeting her.
You have to pick her up at the airport?
No. She just says in her telegram
that she's arriving tomorrow.
( Needle scratching )
( Jaunty '20s music playing )
( Music slows and stops )
Well, I thought
I had that turntable fixed.
JAN: Did you want me, mom?
Oh, honey, I've got great news.
Aunt Jenny's coming
to visit us tomorrow.
Aunt Jenny?
Yes. You're finally gonna get to see
your look-alike face-to-face.
Isn't that wonderful news?
What's so wonderful about it?
We may as well face it
there's no hope for me.
The picture proves it.
Now, Jan, maybe you don't think.
Aunt Jenny's attractive,
but that's just your opinion.
Maybe it's just a bad picture.
That's what I'm going to look like.
Daddy told me himself
all about heredity and genes.
Oh, that's what that was all about.
And you told me that when you're born,
the genes have already figured
out what you're gonna look like
when you grow up.
Jan, what a person looks like
is influenced by a lot of things
not just genes.
There's environment, diet, emotions.
There's no guarantee that you're gonna
look like Aunt Jenny or anyone else.
But can you give me a positive guarantee
that I won't end up
looking like Aunt Jenny?
( Siren winding down )
I think we're being raided.
Thanks for the escort, Sonny!
You know where to send my tickets
to the policemen's ball!
( Motorcycle roars off )
Sam, check the carbons on the pistons.
You've got a bad knock there.
Oh, Aunt Jenny!
Carol, honey!
You haven't changed at all
from the pretty little girl I remember,
excepting you're prettier,
and in more places.
Oh, Aunt Jenny!
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Well, Aunt Jenny, this is Alice.
Hello.
Hi, Alice.
And this is my husband, Mike.
How do you do, Aunt Jenny?
What kind of a how-do-you-do is that?
This is a how-do-you-do! Ha!
Oh, mercy.
Jan wrote me she has
five brothers and sisters.
How long have you two
been married, anyway?
Three years.
Three years.
Crazy, headstrong kids.
And, last but not least, Aunt Jenny,
this is Bobby.
Aw. How are you, darling?
Hi, Aunt Jenny.
My goodness, aren't you beautiful!
Well, that just leaves my look-alike.
Where's Jan?
Oh, well, she's probably up in her room.
I'll see if I can find her.
Okay.
Gather 'round, kids.
I've got some presents for you.
MARCIA: That wasn't
necessary, Aunt Jenny.
BOBBY: But it's nice. I'm with you.
Don't look a gift Aunt in the mouth.
I'm going to be in Istanbul
this Christmas,
so better early than never.
( laughing )
Now, let's see what I've got.
I figure you might be a basketball fan.
I sure am.
Oh, well, here we go.
Wow!
It's autographed by Wilt Chamberlain.
Do you know him?
I've known him since he was
no higher than that.
( laughter )
Now, let's see
You dig magic, Peter?
Yeah, I love it.
Okay, come on.
Put these on me.
Okay. They belonged to Harry Houdini.
Really?
Harry and I played the same
vaudeville circuit.
I did a tap dance and
a snappy-patter routine.
Okay, okay.
Now concentrate.
Okay.
Hold my hands.
Now, one
two
Kalamazoo.
Wow!
How did you do that?
I'll tell you later.
Now let's see what we've got here.
( Squealing )
This is for you, love.
What is it?
It's a shofar.
You only blow it on Rosh Hashanah.
( Blowing flat note )
( Kids exclaiming )
There you go.
What's written on it?
It's Hebrew.
That's L'Shanah Tovah, which means.
"Happy New Year!"
Golda Meir gave it to me.
Well, here's your look-alike, Aunt Jenny.
( Squeals )
Well, if that doesn't blow
a person's mind.
Hello, soul sister.
Hello, Aunt Jenny.
Who says time marches on?
It just rolled back 40 years for me.
Oh, wait a minute. Wait.
I've got something for you.
Here you are.
A little something
Pietro knocked out for me
while I was having lunch
at his pad on the Riviera one day.
Oh. Well, what's it supposed to be?
It's a portrait of me.
( laughs self-deprecatingly )
And I'm afraid it looks like me.
Well, that certainly is a valuable gift
for a young girl, Aunt Jenny.
Oh, darling, I've got dozens of these
cluttering up my walls at home.
( Politely ): Oh, uh,
thank you, Aunt Jenny.
You're welcome.
Aunt Jenny, we'd like
to explain about Jan.
You see, well, she's a little
shier than the rest of the kids.
Isn't she, Mike?
Oh, yeah, that's, that's all it is.
Balderdash!
I got some bad vibrations in there.
Now, that child doesn't dig me
and I'd like to know why.
Quit beating around the bush,
'cause I'm an old bushwhacker.
Okay, I guess we do owe you the truth.
Um
Well, Aunt Jenny, it all started
when Jan received your
photograph in the mail.
The groovy thing about a sari
is, you don't have to wear a girdle with it.
Indira Gandhi wears them all the time.
Now, this
this is for outback country in Australia.
It's great for chasing kangaroos.
( Giggling )
Hmm um
Jan, why don't we rap a little, hmm?
I didn't ask you up here
just to be my lady-in-waiting.
I, uh I wanted you to know
that I know what's bugging you.
Oh?
And I can't say that I blame you.
Did my parents say something to you?
Yes. Oh
But I had to drag it out of them.
I'm so embarrassed, Aunt Jenny.
Don't be embarrassed, love.
I agree with you.
I'd rather look like Raquel Welch myself.
Of course, I could have been
beautiful if I wanted to.
You could?
Oh, plastic surgery does wonders
with noses and chins.
They even can put in curves
where there's nothing
but straight highway.
Why didn't you do it?
Oh, just never had the time.
Besides, there are lots
of pretty faces around,
but how often do you see
a puss like this?
( Squealing and baby-talking )
Whoops.
Aunt Jenny, where does the word
"sukiyaki" come from?
Japanese farmers used to roast meat
over a fire at the end of a rake.
So yaki means "to roast,"
and suki is a rake.
Well, sukiyaki certainly
looks better on a menu
than roasted rake.
Hey, how am I doing with these?
Thinner, thinner.
I want to be able to read
a newspaper through it.
CAROL: Where'd you get this recipe?
From one of Emperor Hirohito's chefs.
I ran into him at the
Ginza one afternoon.
I swapped him a recipe of
Madame Khrushchev's for borscht.
( Phone rings ) I'll get it.
Hello? Yes, she is.
Just a minute.
It's long distance for you, Aunt Jenny.
It's your secretary.
Oh, will you take a message, honey?
She's tied up right now.
Can I take a message?
Oh?
Would you spell that, please?
Yeah, I certainly will. Bye.
Aunt Jenny, I hate to be
the one to break the news,
but, uh, you now own a llama.
Oh, that's nice.
CAROL: A llama?!
Yeah, the Humane Society
gave it to you in appreciation
for the help you gave in
your fundraising drive.
Hey, the dessert looks groovy!
Now, Aunt Jenny, what are
you going to do with a llama?
Oh, no problem.
It can graze in the backyard
with the zebra.
( Slurps loudly )
Now I shall pass the chanuya
or "honorable tea."
Everybody take a sip.
In Japan, a sip like that
would be an insult to the host.
Let's hear it, honey.
( Slurps loudly )
( All laughing )
JENNY: Ah very good.
That the host will dig.
( Clears throat )
( Phone rings )
I'll get it.
( Coughing )
Hello.
Uh yes. Just a minute.
Aunt Jenny,
it's your secretary.
I can't be interrupted
in the middle of a tea ceremony.
Will you take the message, hon?
Um, uh she would like me
to take the message.
( Slurps loudly )
( Slurps loudly )
( Slurps loudly )
Yes.
( Slurps loudly )
Yeah, I've, I've got it.
I'll tell her.
( Slurps loudly )
Well, Aunt Jenny, you've been invited
to a birthday party on Ari's yacht.
Is he kidding?
I'm not canceling my Peace Corps
assignment in Bolivia
for any birthday party.
I'll cable Jackie, though.
She's a real trip.
BOBBY: Boy, I never ate with chopsticks.
CINDY: It's easy. Watch.
( Bobby grunting )
CINDY: Mmm
CAROL: Pretty good.
MIKE: It's looking good.
CAROL: Oh, boy.
( Others groaning and laughing )
This is the easiest way, kids.
Haven't dropped a grain of rice
in 20 years.
( All laugh )
You must travel around
the world a lot, Aunt Jenny.
Ah, traveling is the spice of life.
( Cackling )
I will never forget the time
I was in Bangkok.
I went to this little nightclub
and who was playing the
saxophone but the King himself.
Great jazz buff, the King.
Why, I was pretty good
on the trumpet myself
before my lip went.
So I sat in on a jam session with him.
I had such a time.
Before I knew it,
we were back in the palace,
and I was teaching the King
how to blow "Charge."
Da-da-da-da-da-da!
Charge!
( laughs )
( Phone rings )
I'll get it.
Hello.
Oh, just a minute.
Aunt Jenny, guess who.
Shall I take a message?
Please, honey.
Okay.
Hello? Yes, I'll take a message.
Uh-huh uh-huh!
CAROL: Oh, I certainly will tell her.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Aunt Jenny, guess what.
A dozen long-stemmed roses
have just been delivered to your house,
along with a marriage proposal!
( Jenny laughing )
That's that goofy Lester again.
Who's Lester?
A United States senator.
A senator?
Are you going to marry him?
Nah. I get lots of proposals.
Well, why don't you accept one of them?
Oh, I guess I'm too young
to settle down yet.
Say, isn't anybody gonna
eat my bean curd cakes?
( Phone rings )
I'm gonna stop this myself.
Hello.
Yes, it is.
Now, look, Hazel,
why don't you knock it off?
Oh I plumb forgot!
Yeah, yeah, don't worry.
Don't worry, I'll make it.
( Snaps fingers )
Well, kids, I'm sorry to not eat and run.
I've got to catch
the 11:00 plane for Paris.
Paris? What?
A dinner at the American Embassy
for Georges Pompidou.
It's a bore, but you know
how sensitive those French are
if you turn them down.
Oh, do you have to go?
I'm afraid so, sweetie.
Well, I wish you could stay.
Now, that's nice to hear.
I've really got to go, but I'll be back.
Good.
I'll get your bags.
Yeah, let me help.
( Kids chattering excitedly )
I think Aunt Jenny's
the most wonderful woman I ever met,
and I'm going to grow up
to look just like her.
Honey, like I told you,
genes are funny things.
There's a good chance you might not.
But there's a good chance I might.
( Chuckling )
It's from Aunt Jenny!
What do you think it is?
Well, if it's from Aunt Jenny,
it could be almost anything.
Whoo!
A plaster cast?
I'm surprised there isn't a leg in it.
Let's see what she says.
"Dear soul sister,
"I really goofed this time.
"After Paris, I tried to work
off that fattening French gravy
"skiing in Switzerland.
"I just got the cast off.
"Had it autographed for you.
Regards to the gang. Love, Jenny."
My goodness, look at this.
Jean-Claude Killy? Ooh!
My gosh, Peggy Fleming!
( Gasps ) Sir Edmund Hillary!
Paul Newman!
Look at this. ( Phone rings )
He's a racing car driver.
Hello.
Yeah. Who's calling?
Just a minute.
Jan. Yeah?
Stevie for you.
Oh, thanks.
Hello, Stevie.
Saturday night?
Yeah. At whose house?
I guess that'll be okay.
Of course, you understand I'm
not ready to settle down yet.
I won't be until I'm at least 60.
And, even then, I'm not sure.
But Saturday night's okay.