Elsbeth (2024) s03e18 Episode Script

1
I love my husband
and our six little ones too much
to feed them ultra-processed foods,
so I bake all our bread
and I make the flour from scratch.
This is something
any mother can do easily enough.
To start, I combine einkorn berries
with my sourdough starter.
(SHORT CHUCKLE)
I use this ancient grain
because it's packed with antioxidants.
And milling it by hand
gives it a more rustic crumb.
You'll notice
that I've already prepared
my crispy potato dish.
To make it more interesting,
I've cut them into thin slices
to create these charming potato roses.
And now, it's on to preparing
the artichokes for searing.
These are fresh from my garden,
because life on the prairie
can exist anywhere.
Even in Brooklyn. (GIGGLES)
For tonight's meal,
I'll be stepping out of my comfort zone
and I will be serving seitan steak,
because my husband's boss and his wife
will be joining us, and
they're vegan.
And instead of place cards,
I will be monogramming
our guests' initials
onto the napkins.
Just a little something
to help my husband Grant land
that all-important promotion.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
- (BELL DINGS)
- The kids' snacks are ready.
Goldfish. (CHUCKLES)
And
Mommy's fermented coconut yogurt.
My girls' favorite.
AUDRA: Are you ever worried that
young women might feel inadequate
if they can't do everything that you do?
I mean, there's got to be
a young woman viewing this thinking,
"I don't know if I have 12 hours
to make fermented yogurt."
Oh, well, I don't expect women
to do everything that I do.
I chose to be a traditional wife.
And you never question
your decision to leave
the start-up which you founded
that went public without you?
No.
I love my life here
at our little town house on the prairie.
And it brings me so much joy
knowing that there are-are young women
who still believe in
prioritizing their husbands
and children,
are they're still emerging.
So
now that the goldfish are done,
it's time to get
my pineapple upside-down cake
into the oven.
I had a farmer from the Big Island
handpick the pineapples.
(INHALES SHARPLY) Oh, they're divine.
Have you tasted them yet? (CHUCKLES)
Well, somebody's really put
a smile on your face.
Oh, it's nothing.
It's not nothing if you get that excited
- when you're supposed to be filming.
- No, no, no,
I was supposed to go on a date
with this guy tomorrow night.
He was just confirming the address.
Not the film critic?
We, uh, actually
have had some pretty great
phone conversations,
which is crazy,
because guys mostly just text.
Wear a nice dress and heels,
and not whatever those are.
Oh, and make him a cocktail
before you head out to dinner.
Oh, I wasn't planning
on inviting him in.
My place it's a wreck.
Well, what if the poor guy
has to use the restroom?
Ah, the bathroom,
that's the worst of it.
The tiles are chipped,
the grout is black,
and not by design.
Mm, well, this may explain
why you're still alone.
JULIET: Kids.
Work on your coloring for now, okay?
Mommy will help you with the
Donner Pass dioramas in a moment.
(KIDS CHATTERING)
Sorry.
Today's history project
was rather involved.
Last night's dinner went okay?
Yes. Grant's boss
loved my seitan,
and the pineapple upside-down
cake turned out perfectly.
I'm sure Grant will cinch
that promotion any day now.
And as soon as he does,
he's gonna be talking about
having another baby. (CHUCKLES)
Before we get started, I just
wanted to show you something.
Oh, well, it's about time
I got to see some footage.
Well, this may explain
why you're still alone.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Were you aware that you fed
your husband's vegan boss
lard last night?
You need to delete that.
- Juliet
- Delete it now.
All of it.
That would be dishonest.
Dishonest?
You saw the absurd lengths
that I went to.
Flying in pineapples from Hawai'i,
locating the crunchiest
vegan market for the seitan,
handpicking the artichokes,
getting all six of my children
in their Sunday best.
I mean, it was insane.
And everyone knows that vegans
make all of these ridiculous demands
just to be difficult.
Are you recording me?
If any of what I just said gets out,
I will be ruined.
They will call me a hypocrite
or much, much worse.
Grant will lose his job.
His career.
No, I gave up
my multimillion-dollar start-up
for this life.
I'm a filmmaker. It's my duty.
No. You work for us.
Grant is paying for this,
and he will never let this
footage see the light of day.
I agree.
But I think that I can get some
other investors interested now.
Other investors?
This is an authentic representation
of what it takes to live as a tradwife.
I-It proves what I've been
feeling this whole time.
You tout this whole tradwife thing
so that you can convince yourself
you made the right decision.
You have been waiting for this,
haven't you?
You could have mentioned the lard
before I baked the damn cake,
and instead you're springing it on me?
It shows you're human.
And now I am able to attract an investor
that can actually give this film
some real reach.
Okay.
Just give me a day to warn Grant
before you show this to anyone.
It is the least you can do.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Juliet?
- I apologize for dropping by
unannounced like this, but
- I have a confession to make.
- Okay.
JULIET: I didn't tell Grant
about what happened
because it occurred to me
that you might want to film
the conversation.
You want me to be there?
Well, you said you wanted
the film to have
reach, right?
What's more riveting
than a marital blowup?
No, that would-that would be
really good for the film,
but if you were planning on
talking to him tonight,
I-I can't do it.
Right. Oh. Right, right.
You-you have your date.
With the film critic. Which reminds me.
I, um oh, I have something for you.
(CHUCKLES)
It's a cleaning pod.
For your bathroom grout.
I am hoping that this will convince you
to invite the man in.
That's very nice of you,
uh, especially considering
You're about to ruin my life?
Look.
You're right.
A part of me isn't convinced
that I made the right decision.
- Wish I would have got that on camera.
- All you have to do
is just drop this pod
into a cup of bleach,
scrub,
and your grout will sparkle.
Okay. I guess I can give that a try.
No. If you want to make an
impression on your beau-to-be,
you have to clean the bathroom
before he arrives.
You want me to do that right now?
- I'm right in the middle of editing.
- Oh, Audra.
(LAUGHS) This guy could be the one.
You know, I know
that it sounds really silly,
but this one small act
could be the thing
that turns your love life around.
Oh, your bathroom's so small. (LAUGHS)
- So it'll be quick.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- (CHUCKLES)
(EXHALES)
Are you sure that this is safe
to use with bleach?
Can't you smell the tea tree oil?
Now, you know
I only use natural herbs and tonics.
So, just, um, just start over there
and work your way around.
- (PHONE VIBRATES)
- Oh.
Oh, shoot. That's Grant.
Ugh, Mommy has to get back
to the prairie.
You just keep scrubbing
and I'll just let myself out.
Good luck with the date.
AUDRA: It's working great.
Just kind of it's kind of strong.
(COUGHING)
(CHOKING COUGHS)
(THUD)
(SNIFFING)
NICKY: Don't worry, it's safe.
Hazmat team cleared it.
It's just a precaution.
What happened here? Gas leak?
Neighbor who called it in thought so,
but it's actually cleaning agents.
Victim is Audra Miller.
FDNY will send a full report,
but it appears she died
scrubbing her bathroom floor.
Oh.
Poor thing.
Said they've seen it plenty of times.
People mix bleach and ammonia,
not realizing
the combination makes chloramine gas.
Hmm.
Whoof. I've discovered there are a lot
of unfortunate ways to die,
but dying at the base of a toilet?
Ooh, got to be one of the worst.
And yet so many icons end up there.
Tascioni, what are you looking for?
Uh, the ammonia.
I see that the bleach is here,
but I don't see
any ammonia.
Maybe she used the last of it.
Yeah. She probably
just threw the bottle out.
ELSBETH: Hmm.
Okay.
Uh
Don't see any bottles of ammonia,
but I do see this.
Arnold Palmer?
Don't you think it's odd that a woman
who won't even mix
iced tea and lemonade herself
would be making
her own cleaning products?
From the looks of it, she
doesn't do much cleaning at all.
- Hm.
- You are right.
Okay, my guess is
the victim is
a film student or
maybe a film buff
who prioritizes
convenience.
MAN: You're calling Audra a victim?
Are you a family member?
No, Audra and I had
dinner reservations at 8:00.
I'm Max Kline. Did something happen?
- There's police tape.
- Yes, I'm so sorry.
There's been a terrible accident, Max.
Um, Audra is no longer
She's dead?
I'm sorry.
Oh, damn it.
I thought we could have made
a great up-and-coming couple.
I'm a film critic,
she's a documentarian.
Her films were only
moderately promising,
but I thought the whole
filmmaker-curator thing
could have opened a lot of doors for me.
How romantic.
It's just so sad to think
the last thing she worked on
was a silly puff piece.
Well, the arts are under attack.
It's true. Impossible to get
anything funded right now,
so when some rich guy offers to pay you
to film his tradwife, you take it.
Audra's documentary
was about a tradwife?
Yeah, husband's bankrolling
the whole thing.
At least, he was.
What-what do you mean, "he was"?
Audra said she'd started looking
for alternate backers.
Why? Was the tradwife
not happy with how
the project was going?
Sorry for your loss.
YOUTUBER (RUSSIAN ACCENT):
So, if an industrial hard drive shredder
is not an option,
then you can use a power drill
to put multiple holes
through the platters to store the data.
First, you must remove
the drive casing
- (SCREAMING)
- Breakleigh, Kingsleigh, Paisleigh,
what are you doing out of bed?
Sweethearts, you know
it is way past your bedtime.
- Mommy has so much on her plate.
- (CHILD SCREECHES)
TULLY: You might want to think about
having this door open.
Just about anybody could wander in.
Tully. I didn't realize
the city's new commissioner
was gracing us with a visit.
- Congratulations, Commissioner.
- Thanks, Charles.
I'm not here to gloat, though,
I'm here on, uh, official business.
Ah. Sounds serious.
Well, it's about your budget.
Oh, we've made significant cuts already.
Eh, maybe, but, uh,
come to my attention
that one of your detectives
has reached the, uh,
mandatory retirement age.
Detective Buzz Fleming.
Well, I know you're not one
to flout the rules,
so I'll expect you'll
instruct Detective Fleming
to, uh, hand in his badge
by the end of the week?
Uh, well, Buzz never shuts up
about his pension, so
he'll be delighted.
Ah. Okay.
Well, I'm glad this won't be
a difficult conversation.
I expect we'll have some of those. Soon.
Thanks, Charles.
New commissioner
giving you trouble, Cap?
He's just flexing his new muscles.
And I need a coffee.
Captain, we have something
to share with you
on the woman who died
of chloramine gas inhalation.
Didn't the FDNY
rule her death an accident?
They did, but you-know-who
has some questions.
WAGNER: Ms. Tascioni, give me one reason
this case warrants
further investigation.
One.
Okay. Baking ammonia.
The homemade bathroom cleaner
that killed victim Audra Miller
wasn't a combination of bleach
and liquid ammonia,
as expected.
It contained baking ammonia?
Yes. Traces of it
were found in Audra's trash
in this foil wrapper, which is maybe
an octagon?
Maybe it's a nonagon?
- Elsbeth.
- Right.
The point is,
there was no ammonia of any kind
in the rest of Audra's apartment.
And she didn't seem like the type
to make anything from scratch.
Ms. Tascioni noticed precut fruit
and bottled water in the fridge.
The woman didn't even make
her own Arnold Palmers.
So much for one reason. Bye.
You know I can't limit myself
to one of anything.
I'm a maximalist.
Hey, wait. One who believes that someone
might have given Audra this homemade pod
in this strange piece of foil.
Giving someone an ammonia tablet
doesn't make it a murder.
But what if that someone had a motive?
Okay, who's the suspect?
And we are counting down to the blooming
of the emerald artichokes.
They will be ready in about nine days.
(INHALES)
(SIGHS, CHUCKLES)
This woman is growing
her own artichokes?
In Brooklyn?
ELSBETH: Juliet Woodbent
does a lot of things that modern
women don't have time for.
Yeah, she's a tradwife.
Isn't that just a fancy way
of saying "housewife"?
ELSBETH: More like housewives who long
for the time when women
weren't allowed to open
their own bank accounts.
I watched a lot
of Audra's footage of Juliet,
and apparently, she makes
her own soap, breakfast cereals
and, uh
cleaning products.
So, your theory is this tradwife
gave Audra Miller the ammonia tablet.
- Why?
- BOBBY: Exactly.
She was paying Audra Miller
for a flattering documentary.
Her husband was.
Tradwives don't handle
the household finances.
If there's a motive here,
I'm not seeing it.
Okay, the motive could involve
something that Audra filmed.
The growing of the artichokes,
meticulously tracked in the footage,
and supposedly, they were ready
to harvest this week,
but there's no footage of it.
There's no footage
from this week at all.
Well, maybe the footage got corrupted.
I might have believed that
if Audra hadn't started looking
for alternate investors for the film.
So, you're thinking that Audra
and the artichoke woman
could have had a falling-out?
Yes. So, what do you say?
Can we go pay her a little visit?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) I thought that tradwives
only lived in, like, Utah
or the Great Plains.
JULIET: Women who value
traditional marriage
aren't limited to a geographic location.
Oh, you must be, uh, Juliet Woodbent.
I'm Detective Smullen, NYPD.
And I'm Elsbeth Tascioni.
Um, if-if you have a minute,
I'm afraid we have
some troubling news to share.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- JULIET: I can't believe it.
Audra was just here yesterday.
And wasn't she supposed
to be filming you today?
Like, right now?
That's what was on her calendar.
And, oh, look. Huh.
It's on your calendar, too.
Today was our weekly shopping
trip to the Greenmarket.
It's just, with six little ones,
I'm often running
behind schedule, and I
I expected Audra
to be waiting for me
and instead I found you.
- Sir?
- Ooh.
- Thank you.
- Aw.
Breakleigh, that is so nice.
If you'll excuse me,
the kids are overdue
for their morning snack.
Sure.
Breakleigh that's unique.
Yes, and this is Deservedly, Kingsleigh,
Oakleigh, Paisleigh and Charleigh.
Nice.
Are all your kids adverbs?
Only "Deservedly"
is spelled with an L-Y.
- Oh.
- Kids.
Why don't you all go work
on your drawings?
- Yeah?
- Okay, Mom.
Is that artichoke dip?
Oh, yes.
There is plenty. Please, try it.
So, your artichokes did bloom.
I watched Audra's footage
of you planting the artichokes.
I can't understand
why she didn't film the harvest.
- She did.
- I didn't see it
on any of her hard drives.
I watched everything Audra shot.
Oh, I hope I came off okay. (CHUCKLES)
I haven't seen any of it.
Here you are, Detective Smullen.
Oh. Thank you.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
It, uh, actually left me feeling like
I should be doing more.
Oh, I am so glad you were inspired.
(CHUCKLES)
Right.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- Mmm.
- ELSBETH: I just wonder
why there wasn't any recent footage.
I mean, do you know
what could have happened to it?
Oh, I have no idea. (CHUCKLES)
These crackers are so light and airy.
You made these yourself?
The trick is to make your own flour.
You combine that with salt and pepper
and butter and a leavening agent.
Like baking ammonia?
How did you know that?
That's what gives it that crisp.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Did you ever happen
to give Audra baking ammonia?
Oh. Only a baker
would need baking ammonia,
and Audra was not a baker.
I wish she were. I told her
it would help her find
a great husband, like my Grant.
(CHUCKLING)
ELSBETH: Audra died
from mixing baking ammonia and bleach.
Really?
Well, if I had given it to her,
I certainly would have
warned her never to mix it with bleach.
It's a shame a smart woman like
her didn't already know that.
You sound like you were fond of her.
Well, why wouldn't I be?
Well, I heard that Audra was looking
for alternate funding
for the documentary.
Oh, uh, that.
(LAUGHS) That was my idea.
I thought it would give the film
- and Audra more credibility.
- Oh.
That is so nice of you.
JULIET: Now, sadly, there is no film.
Oh, I bet that you could get
somebody else to complete the film,
Since your husband
was funding the project.
Oh, but you would have to get
all of that missing footage.
'Cause it would be a shame
not to include a whole
week's worth of filming.
Oh!
And the artichoke harvest.
Oh! I mean, when would I find the time?
I mean, summer is only months away.
Oh, don't you worry.
We'll keep looking for it.
Mmm, mmm.
- Mmm.
- Isn't that right, Detective Smullen?
Mm-hmm.
Well, I really, really
do hope you find it.
And now, if you'll excuse me,
my husband
he'll be home any minute,
and I-I need to prepare his lunch.
Oh, of course.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
- Okay.
- Hmm?
Oh. Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
You will be the first to know
when we find that missing
Deservedly will show you out.
footage.
Good day. (CHUCKLES)
(DOOR CLOSES)
- Well, Buzz.
- Hey.
The day you've been waiting for
has finally arrived.
- Coffee's free again?
- Oh.
What could be better
than unlimited coffee?
Retirement.
Our new police commissioner
noted your time has come.
We got to cut you loose.
Oh. (CHUCKLES) You mean I can finally
get my hands on that pension money?
- Mm. It's yours for the taking.
- Wow.
Wife will be happy.
Now I won't have an excuse
when she asks me
to clean out the garage.
Congratulations, Detective.
So, the filmmaker's dead, and that's it?
What about all the money that I spent?
I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
I'll stick with social media
from now on.
And no more grand ideas
of sharing our lives with the world.
I think it's a shame
the idea of women doing
what they're obviously born to do
has to be promoted at all.
You are so right.
I'll call my lawyer later,
see if I can recoup the losses.
Ugh. I'm gonna go hit some balls
on the driving range.
- My clubs are in this closet, right?
- Yes.
Wait!
Let me get them.
(PANTING)
What is it?
Nothing.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
Careful.
Have fun.
You know, I was here
when they brought this desk in
for the first time.
We used to fight over it. Metal,
if you can believe it.
And we didn't even have an elevator
when I transferred here. Out of service.
Had to hike up the stairs.
But we were happy to do it, you know.
We loved the job.
Buzz, can you help me with something?
BUZZ: Sure. Um,
excuse me.
ELSBETH: Is everything okay?
You didn't hear?
- They're forcing me to retire.
- (GASPS)
Should be music to my ears, right?
Oh. Here.
Clearly, it's not.
Truth is, I don't know what I'm gonna do
with myself without this place,
and all of you.
And where can you get
a one-dollar cup of coffee?
What's the going rate now
five dollars?
Oh. At least.
- But it ain't five times better.
- No.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Uh, can you talk to Captain Wagner?
Commissioner Tully issued the order.
Ugh.
(SIGHS) What am I gonna do?
She made her own crackers?
Like a Keebler elf?
Better. And after dreaming
about them half the night,
I made the mistake of asking the wife
to make me some this morning.
- I bet that went over well.
- Yeah.
She was still laughing when I left.
Oh, looks like your tradwife's
cracker-making days are over.
- Yeah.
- (PANTING)
What have you got, Ms. Tascioni?
Well, I had Officer Reynolds
look into Audra's financials
to see if she landed a new investor.
- And did she?
- No,
but she did submit the film
to the Empire City Film Festival.
The programmer, who views
hundreds of submissions,
was so excited
by whatever Audra told them
that they asked for
a sizzle reel.
So, I'm gonna track the programmer down.
Yeah, I'm gonna go
order my wife some flowers.
Smart man.
- Oh.
- Something the matter?
Are you really gonna let Tully
force Buzz into retirement?
Buzz has been eyeing retirement
since the day he got his badge.
That's just an act.
He will be lost without this job.
Well, we're all subject
to mandatory retirement.
Every one of us.
And you know how Tully is.
Ugh. I know.
But you two have known
each other for such a long time.
Isn't there something
you can say to him?
Oh.
Ah
I was skeptical
about Audra Miller's submission,
but her earlier work showed promise.
I'd heard that before.
You've seen her films?
Uh, no. But the posters
they're so cool.
- The one about homeschooling
- Home Is Where The School Is.
Ooh. That one had real teeth.
- It did?
- Well, the title is terrible,
I know. Filmmakers aren't
marketers, clearly.
If she'd come to me,
I would have told her
to go with something more biting
like The Homeschool Sham.
Ooh. That sounds
Subversive. Like the film.
Which is why I got excited
when she told me
that her new film was
gonna be even more explosive.
- More explosive?
- Did you see The Jinx?
Audra said it was that searing.
The Robert Durst series,
where he basically confessed to murder?
Audra refused to tell me
exactly what was in her film,
but the title alone
SAD WIFE: One Step Forward,
Two Stepfords Back
had me salivating.
Ah. Um,
you think I could take a look
at the sizzle reel
that she sent you?
That's the thing. She never sent it.
Like so many filmmakers,
typical bait and switch.
Oh. Well, if you had to guess,
what do you think
she was about to expose?
No idea. But whatever it was,
Audra believed it would change
what people think
about tradwives.
Huh.
- (DESERVEDLY LAUGHING)
- (SIGHS)
Deservedly?
What are you doing down here?
And what is in your mouth?
A gummy bear?
I haven't made any of those in weeks.
- Where on Earth did you find that?
- (GIGGLES)
You know what,
never mind about the gummy bear.
Um, have you been playing
with a purple box
that Mommy was keeping in the closet?
It's about this big.
And it's okay if you have.
Mommy isn't mad.
She just needs it back.
I think Breakleigh had it.
But I just spoke to Breakleigh.
Or was it Oakleigh?
WOMAN: Now, you see that?
The chemical properties
of the bleach oxidize
the surface minerals of the board.
You gonna explain to me
why I'm watching this?
Shh, shh, shh. Pay attention.
- Tanner! What are you doing?
- I made a mistake.
I was gonna see
if I could clean it up.
With ammonia?
Mixing bleach with ammonia
creates a chloramine gas.
Ha! You see?
Audra knew not to mix
those two cleaning products.
Okay, but maybe she assumed that
the tablet was ammonia-free.
Or someone who makes
everything from scratch
wanted her to assume that.
Well, if Juliet Woodbent
knowingly encouraged Audra
to mix that tablet with bleach, then
- It wasn't an accident.
- It's a homicide.
Okay, so how do we prove it?
You find that explosive missing footage.
I mean, Juliet might have taken it
and destroyed it, but maybe not.
Well, it doesn't matter anyway,
because we don't have enough
for a warrant.
- (GROWLS)
- So,
unless you can convince Juliet Woodbent
to tell us where the missing footage is,
we're out of luck.
I am new to this job.
I am not going to bend the rules
because you're feeling sorry
for your detective.
If you were being pushed out,
wouldn't you fight back?
I know I would. It means too much.
Spare me.
(CHUCKLES) This is familiar,
isn't it? Feels like
it was just yesterday we were rookies
fighting over a Fourth of July detail.
- You didn't want the assignment.
- And neither did you.
Nobody did.
But somebody had to do it.
Remember how we settled it?
At the poker table.
Yeah.
- Why don't we do it again?
- What?
If, at the end of the night,
I walk out with more money,
my detective stays.
If not, he's gone.
Are you kidding me?
Back then, the only thing
at stake was a bad detail.
This is more serious than that, Charles.
So what?
You chicken?
Buzz's future is being decided
by a poker game?
Can you believe it? I'm the kitty.
Didn't you tell me that Tully won
the last time you played poker?
It was a bad night. This time,
it's gonna be different.
I can feel it.
You know, a poker game
might not be such a bad idea.
My Uncle Titus thought so, too,
before he lost the family farm.
Yeah, well, I'm not saying it was smart,
but at least it gives Buzz a
chance at staying on the force.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Oh.
Oh. Hey.
Is your, uh, mom around?
JULIET: I'm in here.
Mm-hmm.
Sorry, butter requires
constant agitation.
- Otherwise, it turns.
- Ah.
- Is that for something in particular?
- Yes.
My kids they couldn't decide
if they wanted pastry or bread,
so I'm making them
caramelized chocolate brioche,
- and I always make my own butter.
- Ooh.
- Incredible.
- Yes.
I'm planning on using raw chocolate
spiked with maca and muscovado sugar,
it provides
extraordinary medicinal benefits.
- Oh, that does sound amazing.
- (BOBBY CHUCKLES)
Uh, but we're here
because we have good news.
Uh, right. The, uh,
Empire City Film Festival
they're interested in the documentary.
Well, there is no documentary. (LAUGHS)
Audra actually sent them a sizzle reel.
That's like a teaser.
Got them very excited.
Oh, a-a teaser?
BOBBY: Yeah, we're
thinking that it might
contain some of the missing footage.
We haven't had a chance
to look at it yet. (LAUGHS)
The programmer
was actually quite surprised
that you'd chosen a subversive filmmaker
like Audra for your documentary.
Audra wasn't "subvers-vive"
or whatever you said.
You didn't see her other films
before you hired her?
Well, not in their entirety.
I mean, as you can see, I am quite busy.
Ah. Well, that means you missed
the part of the documentary
where a mother teaches
how dangerous it is
- to mix bleach and ammonia.
- BOBBY: Obviously, Audra never
would have made that kind of mistake.
Oh. I'm so sorry.
(LAUGHS) Could you please help me?
My arms are just getting so tired.
Me? Uh, don't want
Detective Smullen to do it?
He has stronger arms.
Oh, funny. No.
All you have to do is you just
put your hand here
- on the top of the plunger.
- Okay.
JULIET: And a steady rhythm
is all it takes.
Oh, wow, you're doing great,
Ms. Tascioni.
Do you happen to know
what Audra might have used for
the sizzle reel
she sent to the film festival?
Well, if they spoke to you,
did they not tell you what was in it?
Uh, the, um, title alone
is what piqued
the programmer's interest.
- Hm.
- What did Audra call it again?
Um,
SAD WIFE: One Step Forward,
Two Stepfords Back.
Audra must have come up with that before
we started filming.
Before she saw how happy I am.
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS) That ought to do it.
(CHUCKLES)
Mommy, look what Oakleigh did.
Oh. It's just a little bit of paint.
Art is messy.
It's dirty now.
Oh, well, let's get you a new one.
Will you excuse me?
(CHUCKLES): Oh!
Is that me?
- Mm-hmm. - Look at mine.
- Great.
Oh, there's me, too.
You're all artists.
Oh, what's this?
These are cookie cutters.
Mommy made them to help
Deservedly learn her shapes.
This is a rectangle.
This is a pentagon.
- And this is a heptagon.
- Ugh.
That's what that is. A heptagon.
(SIGHS) And what's this?
OAKLEIGH:
This is our chicken coop
outside.
And, uh, the rectangle what's that?
(WHISPERS): Promise not to tell anyone?
Yeah, pinky promise.
(REGULAR VOLUME): It's their stage.
We built it all by ourself.
A stage?
For their talent shows.
The chickens put on shows?
(GASPS) Can I come? When's the next one?
(GIGGLES)
Dance, Lucy.
Sorry. Guess she doesn't want to.
That's okay.
I'm not disappointed at all.
Okay. Yup. That looks good. Okay.
Wait, we're missing someone.
Oh, Deservedly?
Um, I think we got her right here.
JULIET: Well thank you.
But, um, what are you doing here?
Oh, we have something we think
you're gonna want to see.
Oh, well, we're in the middle
of a family photo shoot, so
I'd really like to get it over with.
Uh, we're gonna need you to
take five on the photo shoot.
Um, excuse me. Uh,
would you mind getting
some photos of the kids
in the garden, please?
Thank you. Okay, kids.
Go ahead. (CHUCKLES)
- Smile pretty.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- (DOOR OPENS)
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- ELSBETH: First, the good news.
You're gonna be able to complete
your documentary after all.
Juliet said some
of the footage was missing.
- We found it.
- Where? (LAUGHS)
Did the film festival people
send it to you?
No. The hard drive
was in your chicken coop.
Your kids had the ingenious idea
to use it as a stage
for the chicken shows.
They led us right to it.
It was right there
in one of their drawings.
Oh, but you were doing so much.
Is this the footage?
- Grant, don't.
- What?
After all the money I spent,
I deserve to see something.
AUDRA: Were you aware
that you fed your husband's
vegan boss lard last night?
You need to delete that.
- Juliet
- Delete it now.
You served my boss pork?
Serving pork to a vegan
was the least of it.
Your wife killed Audra
to ensure that footage
would never see the light of day.
What?
Well, she was gonna ruin everything.
You have no idea
how much work it takes
to make everything perfect.
And to keep it that way.
Six six
natural childbirths.
Always looking impeccable.
Everything made from scratch.
Toothpaste. Socks.
Homeschooling. Chickens.
(CRYING)
It really is impossible.
Well, that's the reason you gave that
heptagon-shaped ammonia tablet to Audra
and instructed her
to mix it with bleach.
If only you'd shared the truth
with the other women
about how tough it is.
Instead, you presented this ideal
that even you couldn't live up to.
Hey, on the bright side,
at the Midtown Detention Center,
you'll get plenty of beauty rest.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Except when you're on kitchen duty.
- No. No.
- Juliet Woodbent,
you are under arrest
for the murder of Audra Miller.
- You have the right to remain silent.
- Wait!
- What about the kids?
- JULIET: Oh.
There's a casserole on the table, Grant.
It should still be hot. (WHIMPERS)
Ooh.
Ah, that looks delicious.
Maybe I should heat it up.
That thing's gonna need
more help than a microwave.
Call.
How many more hands left two, three?
TULLY: Before Wagner goes bust?
Oh, could be any time now.
Night's not over yet.
Last time, Rattle was the one
who walked away
-with all our money. Remember that?
-WAGNER: Only because
I folded when I should have held.
Your protégé was bluffing.
Yeah, you got nothing
to worry about tonight.
And to think I dealt this garbage.
Maybe I should have tried
making the crackers instead.
Oh, you mean the, uh,
tradwife's crackers that
Bobby couldn't shut up about?
If you'd tasted them, you'd understand.
I mean, she's a killer, but she
knew her way around a kitchen.
(CHUCKLES) I bet she made her own salt.
RATTLE: Yeah, sounds like
some of the over-the-top
moms I see at the kids'
birthday parties.
- Oh, you have kids?
- (CHUCKLES) No, I'm a magician.
On the weekends, I work kids' parties.
How long you been doing that?
Uh, since college.
These moms now they live
to try to outdo each other.
- I'm gonna bump it to 100.
- BOBBY: Whoa.
Well, too rich for my blood.
- Yeah, me too.
- WAGNER: Call.
Bam.
- Oh! Nice.
- Yes.
(BOBBY CHUCKLES)
Wow.
I guess it's just
not your night, Charles.
- BOBBY: Oh!
- Oh! Damn.
ELSBETH: Maybe we should take a break
before the next hand?
Uh, Captain, could you step
into my office for a minute?
- RATTLE: What a hand.
- BOBBY: Wow.
Hang in there, buddy.
Hang in there, man.
If you brought me over here
to give me a pep talk, save it.
- I think Tully's cheating.
- What?
I've been watching,
and after the first hand,
Rattle grabbed two chips
and Tully folded right before
you won with four kings.
Now, this time,
Rattle took two sips of beer,
and Tully won with four aces.
You think Rattle was signaling
Tully that he had a better hand?
Exactly.
Oh, it's probably just a tell
you're picking up on.
This is not a tell, Captain.
Elsbeth, the only way that he would know
what I was holding is if
Oh.
He's using sleight of hand
to deal from the bottom of the deck.
Which he would know how to do
because he's a magician.
-That son of
-No, wait, wait, wait.
What are you gonna do?
I need everyone to clear the room.
TULLY: What?
Now.
No, Tully.
You stay.
(SCOFFS)
- What's eating you?
- You're cheating.
Rattle isn't your poker partner.
He's your accomplice.
(SCOFFS)
I knew I never
should have agreed to this.
Playing for a detective's job
is too much pressure for you, Charles.
Yeah, Mr. Magician is dealing
from the bottom of the deck.
Admit it.
I have done nothing wrong.
Okay, then let's call everyone back in.
But I promise you this,
I'm gonna be watching
Rattle's next deal very closely,
as will my
consent decree lawyer.
W Wait a minute. Wait.
Wait.
What do you want me to say?
Start with the truth.
You always outshone me,
didn't you, Charles?
At the academy, after that.
At least when it came to poker,
I suppose
I just wanted a little edge.
That almost makes you sound sympathetic.
Almost.
Tell you what.
We're gonna keep this
between us on one condition.
Buzz stays on the job.
(SCOFFS)
Ah There.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Congratulations, Buzz. (LAUGHS)
Phew. (LAUGHS) For a minute there,
I thought I was clocking out for good.
(CHUCKLING)
For the longest time,
this was just a job.
Now it's a lot more.
And a lot of it
has to do with this lady.
The one person I expected to
give us all nothing but grief.
She's made me a better detective.
Oh, Buzz.
- (CHUCKLES)
- WAGNER: Maybe now you won't
grumble so much about working overtime.
Are we talking time-and-a-half
or can we negotiate?
(CHEERING)
OTHERS: Cheers.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
To you, man.
I'm glad you and Tully
came to an agreement,
for all our sake.
I wish it were that easy.
Tully's not gonna back out
on the deal, is he?
No.
But I embarrassed the man.
Payback is coming, I'm afraid.