Gilligan's Island (1964) s03e18 Episode Script

1
[Island music playing on radio]
Sure is a lot of static today.
Must be a big storm someplace.
I'm going to have to turn it off.
Hey! Hey! Hey, we're rescued!
Hey! Hey!
Hey, mister! Hey, mister! Hey, mister!
Mister, am I glad to see you!
My name's Kincaid, Jonathan Kincaid.
Oh, yeah. I'm gilligan.
You don't know what
we've been through.
We got no television, no
hot dogs, no licorice whips
we? You mean there's other people
on this island besides
you? Yeah, there's 6 of us.
They're on the other side of the island.
We were shipwrecked.
I gotta go tell them we're rescued.
Would you please radio Hawaii
and tell them to pick us up?
Wait a minute.
Do you have any game on this island?
Game? Oh, yeah.
The skipper's got some
checkers and I got a deck of cards.
No, no. I mean do you have
any wild goat or wild boar?
No, no. We don't have any
game like that at all on the island.
I got to go tell the others.
7 people on this island and
nobody knows they're here.
That's very interesting.
Ramoo, we're going hunting.
What, you not hear?
No game on island.
Perhaps not the 4-legged kind,
but I've always wondered what it'd be like
to track down and kill the
most challenging of all game
man.
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship's aground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
So I explained to the authorities
that because of the size of my helicopter,
they'd have to send a boat.
I gave them our exact position,
and the boat will be here
tomorrow morning at 10:00.
[All cheering]
Oh, man, when I get back, I'm going
to go right to an Italian restaurant,
and I'm going to have 8 or 10
pizzas and 6 dozen meatballs
and 2 platters of spaghetti,
and then I'm gonna have dinner!
Ohh! Let's go pack.
I don't know what to wear.
Well, ramoo, which one
will be our victim?
The skipper, the professor, Mary Ann?
Ramoo think not difference.
Oh, come on, man. Where's
your sense of the hunt?
I want a quarry that will
present me with a challenge,
somebody that's nimble, agile.
Who that one? I don't know.
I have to question each and
every one of them to find out
who'll give me the best
run for my money.
I don't know how we're
going to explain to our friends
that we spent several years with people
who aren't even in the social register.
Our friends will just
have to realize, my dear,
that when one is marooned,
one must take potluck.
There you are. Ohh, that's heavy!
I hope you have your jewelry in there.
Ahh, ahh, good. Now, there,
Mr. Kincaid. Need any help?
No, no, no, no. We howells
make a point of keeping fit.
As an example to the little people.
Yes. The last cotillion we attended,
Mrs. Howell danced every dance
and was hardly out of breath.
You know, Mr. Howell's
office is on the second floor,
and sometimes he doesn't
even take the elevator.
Sound mind in a sound body.
My, that is a beautiful
that's hand-tooled.
You didn't get that at a discount house.
Almost caught her on the rise.
Are you a, uh, hunter, Mr. Howell?
Well, no, but I went on a tiger hunt once.
I shot 3 of the ugly beasts in 15 minutes.
3 in 15 minutes?
Well, that's utterly fantastic!
You must've been pleased.
I was, but the directors
of the zoo were infuriated!
I went fishing in the aquarium.
They weren't pleased. I'll tell you that.
I can hardly wait to get back to Kansas.
Why, the first thing I'm going
to do is bake an apple pie,
and then I'm going to milk the cows,
and then I'm going to feed the chickens.
You farm people have
to stay in good condition.
Oh, we certainly do.
You know, I once ran
100 yards in 15 seconds.
15 seconds?
Oh, yes. I was being chased by a bull.
Oh, that's nothing.
I once ran 100 yards in
10 seconds. 10 seconds?
Mm-hmm. I was being chased
by a Hollywood producer.
Ph.D. at 25?
Well, it sounds like you didn't
have much time for sports.
Well, I don't want to sound immodest,
but I was the number one
man on my team.
Really? Baseball?
Basketball?
Football?
Hockey?
Chess.
How about you, skipper?
Well, Mr. Kincaid, football
was my game in high school.
I played the line.
Oh? What position?
No position. I was the line. Ha ha ha!
I'll never forget.
You got a pretty good backfield, too.
Thanks a lot, gilligan.
It's easy for you to talk.
Look at the way you're built.
I mean, he's young and wiry.
He can run as fast a rabbit,
climb a tree like a monkey.
Why, try to keep up
with him, it's impossible!
Mr. Howell: There you are. There, there.
Oh, that's put that over there, girls.
Oh, here comes our guest of honor now.
Remember, skipper. Everybody, now.
All: for he's a jolly good fellow ♪
for he's a jolly good fellow ♪
for he's a jolly good fellow ♪
which nobody can deny that's you!
Speech! Speech, speech!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
I hope you feel the same way
after my little announcement.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have chosen one of you
to go on a little hunting trip.
[All cheer]
Mr. Kincaid, there isn't
any game on this island.
Oh, yes, there is.
You see, I'm planning
on hunting one of you.
Hey, that's kind of funny.
Gilligan, he's not smiling.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
People don't hunt people.
Mr. Kincaid, this joke is
in extremely poor taste.
Madame, I assure you, I'm not joking.
Do you intend to hunt one of us
and then gun your
victim down in cold blood?
Very well put, professor.
As added incentive to your
participation in this adventure,
the one I'm hunting can
elude me for 24 hours.
I'll see that you're all
returned to civilization.
But but I'm a girl.
That's quite obvious.
Me?
My dear, shooting you would
be like shooting an easter bunny.
As for you, madame
you wouldn't dare.
Don't tempt me,
but I plan to start this hunt before noon,
and I'm sure at that early hour
your blue blood wouldn't be circulating.
Why, I've never heard such nerve.
Why, for something important,
I can get up as early as anyone else.
Lovey, if the man says
your blood doesn't circulate,
don't argue.
As for you, I'd love to let some hot air
out of your stuffed shirt.
Now, over here, we have a chess player,
but by the time he's
figuring out his next move,
I'd have him in my bag.
Now, look, Kincaid,
this is a lot of nonsense.
Skipper, you're too big a target.
Gilligan: Well, I'm glad
it's not you or ginger
or Mary Ann or Mr. and Mrs. Howell
or the professor.
You mean, it's
Ramoo, take him away.
Now, you be careful with him.
That's my little buddy. Means a lot to me.
Oh!
Skipper. When I get a chance,
I'll make a break for the
helicopter and radio for help.
That's a great idea, professor.
We'll show that big gun
he can't push us around.
Have any ideas about
using the radio, forget it.
I have the tubes.
Mr. Kincaid? You sure had me fooled.
I mean, about shooting me tomorrow.
Isn't that a laugh?
Yes, it does have its
humorous side. [Laughs]
I want a word with you, Kincaid.
How are you, my boy?
Oh, I'm great, Mr. Howell.
You had Mr. Kincaid all wrong.
They're treating me like a prince.
I have steak and a leg
massage. I'm living it up.
Well, can't you figure out why, my boy?
Sure. They like me.
Like you? They're fattening you up
like a Thanksgiving day Turkey,
and tomorrow is Thanksgiving day.
You hear that, Mr. Kincaid?
They still believe it.
Go on. Tell them you're
not gonna do anything.
Mr. Kincaid? Tell them you're not
Mr. Kincaid, say something.
Say anything, Mr. Kincaid.
Look, uh, Mr. Kincaid,
this young fellow means a lot to me.
Say, uh, $100,000?
No.
Ha. No. Uh, 300,000?
No.
Well, let's not quibble with small change.
What about a half a million,
and a tip for your friend
with the bad headache?
You don't seem to understand.
I'm not interested in money.
You are sick. Oh.
Conserve some of that
energy for tomorrow.
Don't burn yourself out,
and stop looking so glum.
After all, you've got a 50-50 chance.
50-50?
Yes. Whether you
get it through the heart
or between the eyes.
Oh.
I know I'm going to hate myself,
but I can't help it.
Help what?
I'm drawn to you. Like a magnet.
I can't resist you.
Resist, resist. He's the enemy.
I'm sorry, gilligan.
There are some things about life
that you just don't understand.
You think you get to know someone,
that turns out to be a Beatrice Arnold.
Beatrice Arnold?
Well, you don't look like a Benedict.
First
first, we must have a toast.
Why?
Because. Because it's so romantic.
Mmm. Oops.
Pineapple juice.
Pineapple juice?
That's not very romantic.
Oh, yes, it is. I'm just
crazy about pineapple juice.
Happy dreams.
Who needs dreams?
It's living it, huh?
Darling. After that, you must be thirsty.
[Hiccups]
[Hiccups]
[Snoring]
Alright, gilligan.
You know the rules.
If you can survive for 24 hours,
you not only save your life,
but the lives of your friends.
It's set to go off at
exactly this time tomorrow,
and just to be sporty,
I'm gonna give you a
15-minute head start.
Go!
Did you say 15 or 16 minutes?
You just lost 10 seconds.
Oops.
Bang! Ooh!
Gotta keep running. I'm exhausted.
He'll blast me into confetti.
How long have I been running?
5 minutes? Oh.
He hasn't even started after me yet.
Well, I must leave now.
Somewhere out there in the jungle,
your little friend is waiting
And I wouldn't want to disappoint him.
Guard them well, ramoo.
Yes, sir, boss.
Oh. It will serve Kincaid right
if I die of sunstroke before he kills me.
That is, if I don't die of thirst
before I die of sunstroke
before I die of gunshot.
Oh, so thirsty. I've gotta get some water.
Whoa!
Poor gilligan. 11 hours,
and he's still running.
I'd be happy if he were
still alive and walking.
Or crawling.
Now, let's not give up hope.
We've got to believe gilligan is still alive
and he's gonna stay that way.
You're not Mary Ann,
you're Mary poppins.
Nevertheless, she's right.
What we need is positive thinking.
Yeah, well, a bullet hasn't been made yet
with gilligan's name on it.
That guy will never catch him.
My little buddy is too fast.
Yeah. Cunning.
Yeah. And shifty.
Yeah. And smart.
Yeah. 3 out of 4. That's not bad.
Yes.
Oh.
[Tarzan yell]
Ramoo.
Aah!
There's one good thing
about ramoo still guarding us,
and that's the fact that
gilligan got through the night.
We've got to escape and help him.
6 more hours.
I've got an idea.
Why don't we just tunnel
our way out of here?
What? Through 25 feet of rock?
Why, even with dynamite
and a steam shovel,
it would take a month.
Oh, details, details.
I just hate to be bothered with details.
I'm afraid we're stuck right here.
Oh, pooh. There must be some way
we can help poor gilligan.
Oh, I can't just sit still.
I've never felt so
useless in my whole life.
Well, think of me. I'm 3
times as big than you are,
and I feel 3 times as useless.
Stop! Where you go?
Put that silly thing away.
I'm sure your mother would
never approve of such conduct.
No have mother.
Aw, that's sad.
But you must remember,
you're an uninvited guest on this island,
and you do have
certain social obligations.
Don't have ugligation.
Didn't anyone ever tell you
that it's rude to point?
Lovey!
Lovey! That man is a barbarian!
Oh, fiddlesticks. Anyone
can learn good manners.
Do not move or I will stab you.
Lovey, don't, please.
If you ever want to get into high society,
you will have to read a book on etiquette.
Quick! Professor, a rope!
I think we've been liberated!
[Owl hoots]
[Hoo]
The question isn't who.
I know who's gonna get it.
The question is when, where, and how.
Oh, skipper. Anybody.
Kincaid! No!
[Gunshot]
Ha ha. Oh, no!
Now to get my trophy.
Aah!
Gilligan! Little buddy!
Gilligan!
Keep goin'!
Run! Run, gilligan!
Keep going! Run!
I'm sorry, but ramoo not spear woman.
You natives are too tender-hearted.
Yeah, it's too bad.
Come on. We'll pick up his trail again.
I'll brush the footprints away
from gilligan's roots. Good idea.
Gotta try to keep Kincaid
away from this area.
How are you doing in there, gilligan?
I'm so nervous,
my knotholes are shaking.
Little buddy, we're gonna take off now.
Shh. I think I hear somebody coming.
Quiet, gilligan.
Huh?
Mr. Kincaid? [Laughs]
Well, gentlemen,
your friend's trail ends right here,
and I have a feeling
he's somewhere nearby.
Where? Ramoo.
Did you thoroughly clean my rifle?
Ramoo think so.
You think so, huh?
Well, maybe we'd better test it.
Draw me a target.
You're you're not gonna
shoot that tree, are you?
Why not?
Well, because, uh,
trees are out of season.
Besides, what kind of a target is a tree?
Yes, I I mean, especially that one.
Why, that's, uh, that's an acoporasaka,
and according to the local
natives, it's a sacred tree.
Why, if you even scratch it,
it will bring you 25 years of bad luck.
That's exactly right. Honestly,
it's worse like than breaking 3 mirrors.
That's nonsense. Now get out of my way.
Can't you do anything right?
I told you to draw me a target.
Ramoo draw target. I do again.
No, no. That's alright.
I'll just put a bullet
right in the center of that tree.
Mr. Kincaid, why waste
your time shooting a tree?
Why don't you shoot gilligan?
Shoot gilligan, instead of a tree?
Yes. That's that's
one of our favorite trees.
Ramoo? I think the tension's
getting to be too much for them.
Yes.
My malaria must be coming back.
It's gilligan!
If you shoot that gun, it'll be murder!
[Alarm buzzes]
The alarm.
It's 24 hours.
Gilligan is saved!
Well, nobody can say that Jonathan
Kincaid doesn't keep his word.
Come on, ramoo. Let's go home.
Oh, now wait a minute, Mr. Kincaid.
What about us?
You said you were gonna radio for help.
Ha ha ha. Are you kidding?
If the authorities found out
I was hunting a human being,
they'd put me in jail.
But we won't tell anyone.
Sorry, chaps. Can't take that chance.
Ow!
Well, the main thing is
that gilligan is still alive.
Yes, my little buddy.
Gilligan, little buddy.
You can calm down now.
The the alarm went off.
The 24 hours is over. Oh.
Really? Really, little buddy.
You don't know how close
you came to getting killed.
Really? That close.
That close? That's right.
Timber! Ah! Ow! Ooh!
Announcer: And the Dodgers
shut out the mets, 4 to nothing.
Ha. That that makes 300,012
bananas that you owe me.
Well, you can subtract them
from the 960 mangoes
you owe me for playing gin.
Announcer: And now for the news
of the national
trapshooting championship.
It was won by the well-known sportsman
Jonathan Kincaid.
Hey, that's the guy that
was chasing me last month.
Yeah.
Mr. Kincaid won the title
with a perfect score.
100 Clay pigeons out of 100.
That's remarkable shooting. Oh.
After the match, Kincaid
suddenly broke down
and became so violent,
that local authorities had to be called.
Unable to calm him, he was
finally placed in a straitjacket
and taken to the mental
ward at general hospital.
All the while, he kept
muttering the mysterious words,
"gilligan. Gilligan. Gilligan."
[Laughs]
That's you. Hey.
You did it again, little buddy.
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone, no light ♪
no motor cars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪