Night Court (2023) s03e18 Episode Script

1
♪♪
Oh, oh, oh, okay. I got one for you.
That couple over there,
siblings or dating?
Oh, no, definitely siblings.
The same weird smile, same shark eyes,
hand placed just above the butt
as if tempted,
but know that it's forbidden.
Ah.
That's the kind of chemistry
you only develop
at the dinner table.
Uh, excuse me. We were wondering
We're step-siblings.
But now that our parents are dead,
nothing is forbidden.
Any chance y'all think
they killed their parents?
They definitely did nothing
to save them.
Which one of these outfits
say, "I'm sexy, but not thirsty,
passionate but not desperate,"
and leaves a medium
amount to the imagination?
Neither. That one says, "Runway."
Airport runway.
And the red one screams
"first day in the witness
protection program."
Shows what you know.
These are from a high-end boutique
called the Dress Pit.
Guys, be nice.
This is her first date with
Jake after the breakup.
If she wants to look like the
victim of a '70s slasher film,
she should.
Eh, as long as I don't look like
the virgin the killer ignores,
I'll take it.
So, your first date
after the breakup, huh?
A little bit of awkward conversation,
followed by an all-out hump fest.
For all I know,
Jake wants to take things slow.
So I'm just gonna focus
on what I can control
returning these to the Dress Pit.
Luckily, they're open 24 hours.
Because it doesn't have a door.
I don't think that Jake
wants to take it slow.
That's all I can say.
He's gonna propose. But that's it.
I helped him pick out the ring.
Would you stop grilling me,
you vultures?
♪♪
So, where we going tonight?
If I need to wear a sports bra,
you have to tell me.
I told you it's a surprise.
But I'll give you a clue.
It's one of your favorite places.
Oh, well, you should know
I'm not allowed
at that pet store anymore.
They figured out
I'm never gonna buy a bird.
They call me a "cockatease."
You think I would take you
to a pet store for our big date?
I mean, I wanted to,
but then I saw your
picture up by the register.
So, Jake's proposing?
Huh. That was fast.
Maybe a little fast, but, I mean,
they dated for quite a while.
No, the way you explained it was fast.
You should take your time
with news like that.
But now that I mention it,
it does seem pretty quick
to get engaged.
He's a male cheerleader.
She feeds squirrels for fun.
They shouldn't overthink it.
Next up, the People vs
Sylvia Plath and Batman?
Aw, it's never the real one.
Those are the names
on the defendants' fake IDs.
It's a tale as old as time.
Just a couple of white kids
trying to get some White Claws.
Permission to approach.
I'm not representing these children.
They don't even know
who Gene Hackman is.
Well, you could try them as adults.
You know, a week in jail at their age
would have nipped a lot of my problems
right in the bud.
I can't send them to adult jail.
They'll get picked last
for all the gangs.
Come on, it'll be like summer camp.
Of course they'll try to run away,
but, you know, years from now,
they'll miss it.
I'll handle this.
Kids, we'll call your parents
and forget this ever happened
if you just give us your real names.
Our real names are on our IDs.
I'm pretty sure you don't
live in the state of
"Balaska,"
at "1,000,000 Fart Lane."
Babe, wait. She's a judge.
Maybe she can marry us.
What do you mean, marry you?
That's why we came to New York.
Yeah. We're here to see
the original Olive Garden
and get hitched.
Just like the breadsticks,
our love is bottomless.
Okay, I'm not gonna let two kids
with pocket bread get married.
I think we need a five-minute recess.
Sick! Dodgeball!
It's not that kind of recess.
Some of us have asked.
These kids are not your problem.
Do not get sucked in.
You have a very big date tonight.
Don't worry. It won't take long.
I got a talking stick,
a feelings chart,
and the two best huggin' arms
in New York City.
See you in my chambers!
[GERMAN ACCENT] You should
have chosen adult prison.
Oh, Carl, it's so sweet
you came just to bring me
your homemade espresso.
Mmm.
I'm tasting hot chocolate
and just a hint of melted cannoli?
It's a recipe from the Old Country.
Ah!
I wish someone would bring me things.
Last week I gave you my cold,
and you got a day off to
finally finish "The Americans,"
so you're welcome.
Pickup for Dan.
Oh, look who it is.
The famous Dan Fielding.
Hey, Julianne, why don't you
introduce me to your friend?
Your "friend"? Julianne, I had no idea
you thought of me that way.
How humiliating for you.
Uh, you'll have to excuse Carl.
He was in the mob,
and they call everyone "friend."
And every piece of leather
furniture, "Hey, nice."
Jake, buddy, everything okay there?
Oh, yeah, yeah, everything's fine.
[CHUCKLES]
Is this cold feet,
or is this how white men
moisturize their hands?
I messed up.
I lost Abby's engagement ring.
What?! You lost the ring
when I specifically told you not to?!
Uh, when was the last time you had it?
Okay, um, I know I had it
when I went through the metal detector
because a guy
with a forehead tattoo said,
"Is that real?" I said, "I hope so.
I spent my life savings on it."
- We both laughed.
- [LAUGHS] That is good.
And then he gave me
a big hug and ran away.
[GASPS] I know what happened.
You left it at the metal detector.
No, the guy with the face
tattoo obviously stole it!
Oh, you're good. You're good.
I bet you're good at puzzles.
You want to do a puzzle with me?
How can I propose with no ring?
Around the rosie ♪
Pocket full of posey ♪
Oh, you are right, Jake.
Singing that song is fun.
Aww, all my friends sitting
around a table singing.
And I know I'm not dreaming
because I'm fully clothed.
Jake, why are your hands
covered in mashed potatoes?
- Uh, for
- For charity!
- Yeah.
- Like the Ice Bucket Challenge.
We're putting our hands in vats to
Raise awareness for bats.
It's called Vats for Bats.
Oh, I love this. Who's doing it next?
Wyatt.
Another bat saved.
I'm just grabbing some
candy to bribe the kids
I locked in my office.
That sounds bad, but they're fine.
They could easily crush me.
I need to find that ring.
Listen, alright, with my brains
and my brains, we'll find it.
- Don't worry.
- No ring,
but there's a watch in the coleslaw.
Look, I remember being young
and thinking I knew it all.
But the mistakes you make now
can follow you forever.
Trust me. You don't want to do this.
How would you know?
Do you even have a boyfriend?
For your information, I might.
Ask me tomorrow.
I think she's jealous of us, babe.
She's alone, and you have
a fiancé with two bikes.
Two bikes?
My mama said that wasn't allowed.
Look, we've already been told this
by every other old person
in our lives.
We're not gonna talk you out of it
because you are about to live it.
We open on your tiny apartment.
[TAPPING] I wonder who that is.
I'm your landlord!
And if you twos
don't keep it down in here,
I'll raise your rent!
Huh! You think that's mean?
Wait till you meet your boss.
That's me, your manager
at the fast food joint.
You're gettin' a raise never.
Don't bother checkin'
the calendar for "never."
It ain't there.
I'm not going to work at a drive-thru.
I'm pretty.
Well, your options may be limited
once you meet life's
most inconvenient miracle.
Wah!
That's me, your baby!
I'm loud and expensive.
One day I'm going to
major in communications.
And don't forget about me.
I'm your mother-in-law.
I said I'd move in to
help with the baby,
but instead, I just made
passive-aggressive comments
about your body.
My mom is never passive-aggressive.
She would say that stuff to your face.
And I forgive her because
she brought you into my life.
Ohh. Abby, I might be crazy,
but I think these kids
can make it work.
What? No, they can't.
That's the whole point.
You know what?
I'm a university president
giving out full scholarships
- to teens who are in love.
- Guess what I just heard?
That university burnt down.
So you're stuck with me,
your mean boss, the rest of your life.
Well, too bad the mean boss
just died of a heart attack
and left you all of her money.
- Flobert!
- Don't worry.
You're going to heaven.
Okay, so these are the mug
shots of all the criminals
with forehead tattoos
in the five boroughs.
Nobody smiles in pictures anymore.
Uh, Jake, security said three
crates were dropped off for you
- from Dominic's Party Rentals?
- Crap, I totally forgot
I ordered decorations
for the proposal.
Wait, you're you're proposing here?
Oh, so this proposal
was doomed from the jump.
I mean, uh, you focus on the ring.
Gurgs and I can set up
the decorations.
So while you're looking
through these forehead tattoos,
ignore the ones with my name.
My fans are crazy, but not thieves.
Great news. I got something.
You found the ring?
No, I got meatball subs for everybody.
The ring, I got bupkis,
but I did come across
a beauty at the pawn shop
from a wide receiver
who's fallen on hard times.
Not for nothing,
but if anybody was ever
going to propose to me,
I would not say no
to a Super Bowl ring.
Ah.
Here. Try this meatball sub.
It'll change your life.
Julianne, what do you think
the pawnshop would give us
for a guy who flunked out of the mob?
Oh, please.
You were just whining about
how hungry you were.
And now Carl has brought you
the balls of his homeland.
Homeland?
The guy was born in Secaucus.
Play nice.
My ex-cellmate, Big Spider,
is downstairs.
She brought some rings
that fell off some fingers.
Hey, blondie, you ever meet
a cannibal in real life?
Hey, Julianne, take Carl.
All the gold jewelry
might be a fun challenge
for a cannibal.
You know, I gotta ask,
you ever take salsa classes?
With hips like yours,
marone, you'd be fantastic.
Oh, please. Come on.
What, you don't think I know
I got perfect salsa hips?
Wow. Wow.
Jake really went all out
with his decorations
for the proposal.
What if it's a marble statue of Abby?
You know if it's this big,
it's gonna be nude.
- Who's nude?
- Ghosts. Think about it.
You're dead. Why would you get
to take your clothes with you?
Have you seen Jake?
The kids are taking
a little longer than I thought.
Well, Jake's not here.
Oh, okay. I'll give him a ring.
He doesn't need one.
That's definitely not
what he's looking for.
Okay.
Should I even ask about the crates?
I wouldn't.
All right,
let's unbox our big naked boss.
- What the hell is this?
- The package you ordered
"Colonel Rooster's Slobstacle Course."
We didn't order this.
Who did you think Dillon was?
Obviously a 6-year-old
having a very romantic birthday
on your dime.
Okay. This could still work.
There's a karaoke machine.
You could serenade her.
["OLD MCDONALD" PLAYS]
All right.
Hey, girl.
We're gonna quack, quack here.
We're gonna quack, quack there.
We're gonna quack, quack everywhere.
If you'll be
my farmer's wife.
[LAUGHS] Now make
"Wheels on the Bus" sexy.
Oh, interesting.
You're too good
for Big Spider's rings,
but you'll propose in an
off-brand Chuck E. Cheese.
This is a disaster.
Is the universe trying to tell
me that I shouldn't propose?
I mean, you know, maybe
I am going a little too fast.
Whoa! Jake. Whoa! Take a breath.
All right. I've been where you are.
Now, you know how Abby makes you feel.
- Yeah.
- The moment you see her,
all of your doubts
are just gonna melt away.
Yeah. You're right.
I just need to talk to Abby.
Okay.
Hey, I just got a text from Carl
saying that you locked him
in the morgue.
Well, I
Well, he wasn't supposed to be
able to get service down there.
Okay. The year is 2049.
You're empty nesters,
and a new friend has moved
into your bedroom.
[HEAVY BREATHING]
My name is CPAP machine,
and I can go all night
[DEEP INHALE] long.
Hey, Abby,
can I talk to you for a second?
Jake, can you please tell
these kids that getting married
would be the biggest mistake
of their lives?
Interesting.
Interesting point
for me to hear right now.
Look at us.
We've said I love you to each other,
and we haven't even thought
about getting married.
- We haven't?
- Exactly.
- You're obviously busy, so
- No, wait.
Didn't you want to talk to me
about something?
Yeah, I was gonna say
maybe going out tonight
isn't such a good idea.
What do you mean?
I thought you were excited.
I was. Now I'm not so sure.
I should go.
Ooh. Principal got dumped.
Get ready.
I got a box of props to convince
you to marry these kids.
No need, Flobert. I'm sold.
Come on, stand up.
But I had a whole game show planned.
You want to get married?
I'm gonna marry you right here,
right now.
She's bluffing.
Can't get married without a tie.
And here is your veil.
Why are you doing this?
Because I'm a judge,
and it's one of the cool things
I get to do.
So, marriage. Batman, you in?
- I'm down.
- All right.
Sounds like an "I do" to me.
What about you, Sylvia?
You want to make a mistake
you'll live to regret?
Stop marrying us. We're kids.
Too late, I already did.
I now pronounce you Batman and wife.
Hold on. I don't actually
want to get married.
I just wanted to renegotiate
my curfew.
I'm calling my mommy.
I did not see that coming.
I thought you two were rock solid.
If she thinks
she's getting one of my bikes
in the divorce, she is dreaming.
And listen, for the record,
it was his idea to go in there
and check cadavers for rings.
That was your idea, Big Dog.
My idea was buying
matching tracksuits.
What is your problem?
You have been obnoxious to him
all night.
- Oh, are you jealous?
- Jealous?
What, of a man who thinks an
undershirt is an outside shirt?
What do you care
if I'm nice to your boyfriend?
I think she cares
because you two are friends.
All right, Carl, for the last
time, we are not friends.
Furthest thing from it.
Yeah. Dan couldn't handle it.
He used to have a thing for me.
Oh, no, no. If anything,
you couldn't handle it.
You were the one obsessed with me.
Oh, hey, buddy, I can handle
being friends with you if you can.
I can handle being friends
with you in my sleep.
Well, then I guess we're friends.
I guess we are.
Well, I'm going to hit you up
for so many rides to the airport.
Oh, and I meet so
many ladies at the gym,
and get ready because
I'm going to set you up
with all of them.
I can't wait for the four
of us to vacation together.
We're going to the Cape.
Oh, so great to have a good friend.
Hello? Julianne? Big Dog?
I think there's
something moving in here!
♪♪
Aw. They thought
I was going to share these.
Hey, uh, our freezer broke,
so I was just being helpful.
My mom is here,
so I wanted to say goodbye.
Uh, look, I know I was hard on you,
but it's actually
because you remind me
a little bit of myself.
I don't want you to
make bad choices like I did.
Though I never ran away.
I tried,
but the closest I got was three
aisles over in a Blockbuster.
My name is Shelby, by the way.
His name actually is Batman.
His parents are not the best.
It's nice to meet you, Shelby.
Oh, no. Are you leaving
so soon, Miss Plath?
I was hoping that you'd sign
my copy of "The Bell Jar."
What's "The Bell Jar"?
Oh, I found this
by the metal detector.
I guess I don't need it anymore.
No, no, no, I'll take that
off your hands.
Thank you very much.
You don't have time to deal with this.
You got a big date to get ready for.
Why are you being so weird?
I'm not being weird.
Just excited for your big night.
Only big night I have
is with that ice cream.
- Jake canceled.
- Jake canceled? That's weird.
I know he was looking forward to it.
Yeah, so was I.
I was looking forward to tonight
and all the nights after that.
I mean, I could see
my whole life with Jake.
Mean landlords, bad bosses,
sharing everything
but our bank accounts
because I don't want him to see
how much I spend on markers.
I may have lost the thread.
All I'm saying is I don't know
what life is gonna throw at me,
but I know I want to
go through it with Jake.
Then you have to tell him.
You know, I took the same subway
as Sarah for three months
before I asked her out.
I was a fool to wait.
I could have lost her.
I can't lose Jake again.
But I don't want to scare him.
I'm all in, but I don't know.
What if he's not on the same page?
He is! Where's your phone?
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
- It's Jake.
- Oh.
Hey. Hi. I was just going to call you.
Well, that's weird.
What a coincidence.
Glad you called.
About earlier, I
Abby, I was being stupid.
Are you still up for
doing something tonight?
Tell him you love him.
Stop talking. I'm on the phone.
Is there an echo?
Oh.
No, no, no. No. Oh, God.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Where are you?
I'm just at my boy Dillon's
birthday party.
Uh, but I can be there in a minute.
I'll be here. I'm excited to see you.
Well, look at that.
Looks to me like
your ice cream is canceled,
and the big night's back on.
What is with that weird look?
I feel like you're
either gonna hug me or kill me.
There's no look.
Just that the memories
you make tonight
are going to last a lifetime.
- Jake's gonna propose.
- [STAMMERS]
[GASPS]
And he told you because
he knows nothing about jewelry
and would have done it
with a puka shell necklace.
No, no, no, no.
I didn't do nothing. I gotta go.
I gotta give something to
I don't know, Wyatt.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna get married.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna get married.
Um, uh, pictured this moment
with less melted ice cream.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
What the [BLEEP] are you doing here?
Just came by to give you this.
Hey, Abby, I
Who's this guy?
I'm her husband.
So how'd it go?
Who's this guy?
It's funny.
sync & corrections awaqeded