Elsbeth (2024) s03e19 Episode Script

1
BETTY HEYMOUTH: New York City.
- (SLOW JAZZ PLAYING)
- Once upon a time, I could exit
the front door of my apartment building,
hoof it to Second Avenue,
and find myself
at Elaine's Restaurant,
where I'd make a beeline for
a certain well-known publicist.
Back wall, corner table.
He'd slip me an item
for the column between bites
of squid salad.
That was back when New York
had glamour and secrets.
Now, glamour has gone the way
of the dodo.
Everything's out in the open,
warts and all,
right there on your screens.
Internet accounts like
the anonymous "Pop Lunatic,"
where the latte order
of a tic-tacky oh, whoops
I mean, TikTok star
is what passes for news.
Snooze-worthy.
Oh, sure, they post real stories
now and then,
but is it worth the endless scroll?
Boy, are my thumbs tired.
No, dear readers,
gossip ain't what it used to be.
But who am I to say?
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Betty, it's Otis. We need to talk.
Well, make it snappy.
I'm on my way to a luncheon.
Trust me, you're going to want
to hear this, in person, now.
That juicy, huh?
Well, where are you?
We'll pick you up on the way.
The usual spot. Don't keep me waiting.
Slight detour. Maurice!
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
BETTY: There's the golden boy.
- (OTIS SIGHS)
- Okay, what do you got for me?
I'll warn you, tomorrow's column
is pretty full.
What? Okay.
Uh, Maurice, would you mind just
stepping out for a moment, please?
- (CAR DOOR CLOSES)
- Oh.
Well, this had better be good.
If it's about your husband's
pop-up again,
I'll have Maurice here
throw you into traffic.
And you know he will,
because he's ex-military.
It's not about Harry.
It's about you.
Me? (LAUGHS)
Please. What's left to say?
Betty.
I know your secret.
- (OTIS SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
- BETTY: What?
OTIS: What? And I have the proof.
Look, be reasonable.
I've always kept your secrets.
Have you?
From now on, you will print
whatever I tell you to.
When I call, you will answer.
I don't want to hear any excuses
about such-and-such not being
a fit in the column. Make space.
And maybe, just maybe,
I'll keep your little secret to myself.
I'd say blackmail was beneath you,
but I think we both know better.
Your whole career,
all your power is based
on knowing other people's secrets.
Well, now I know yours.
You will do what I say,
you will put out what I tell you to
or I will ruin you.
(CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
Everything okay, boss?
It will be.
Yeah, uh, I'd say I'm pretty fearless.
I mean, I did all my own stunts
for the movie.
- (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
- OTIS: That's incredible.
I saw, on the poster, you're, like,
hanging off of a cliff, right?
I-I have to imagine,
if you're not afraid of that,
you're not afraid of anything.
- (YELLING)
- OTIS: Oh, my God.
No, Lorena. Lorena, no.
Get back in prison.
(LAUGHING): Oh, my God.
God. Ugh.
Isn't that awful?
I should be used to it by now.
He thinks it's funny to scare
celebrities using my face.
Why does he have to pick on you?
I'm an easy mark. After what
the press has done to me,
who is going to defend Lorena Marchuk?
Well, I think it's time the world hears
what you think of this abuse.
The world doesn't care what I think.
- Sure they do.
- I'm a villain.
As if I'm the first person
to ever have legal troubles.
Oh, Betty, switch with me.
- Oh.
- This couch is killing my back.
Oh, it didn't help that
your masseuse self-deported.
Well, I will always take your side.
You've always been my dearest friend.
Well, you're a good friend to me.
Hey, while you're up,
why don't you go and get us something
a little stronger than tea?
What do you think, huh?
Absolutely. (LAUGHS)
I always felt you held a grudge.
A grudge? For what?
Augusto flirting with me
at Henry's barbecue in Litchfield.
When you and Augusto
had that thing going.
That was 1979. It was ancient history.
Who can remember these things?
(LORENA LAUGHS)
(SPEAKS SOFTLY)
- BETTY: Hmm.
- Mmm.
- I've got to dash.
- Oh?
I have a deadline. (CLEARS THROAT)
- I got to watch my program.
- Right.
- Well, chin up, Lorena.
- Hmm.
And I think it's high time
you stood up to that Otis Langley.
As ladies, sometimes
we have to handle these things
ourselves.
Geez. (EXHALES LOUDLY)
Betty? You scared me.
- Wh-What are you wearing?
- Let's chat.
All right, well, better make it snappy,
as you like to say.
I'm needed back on set.
What's with the getup?
Is this from your column,
or are you stealing my act?
(LAUGHS) Actually,
(FADING): I'm glad that you're here.
I was five and he was six ♪
We rode on horses made of sticks ♪
He wore black and I wore white ♪
He would always win the fight ♪
Bang, bang, he shot me down ♪
Bang, bang, I hit the ground ♪
Nobody tells Betty Heymouth
what to print.
Bang, bang ♪
My baby shot me down. ♪
(SIREN WAILING)
Victim is Otis Langley,
daytime talk show host and impresario.
We're notifying his husband now.
Ooh, I found a shell casing.
No firearm.
Powder residue on the body suggests
a deliberate shot at close range.
Probably a pistol.
Oh, that's brutal.
He seemed like such a nice guy
on his show.
- Mm.
- Oh!
Gosh. Sorry. Uh,
I agree with Officer Hackett.
Who would want to kill this guy?
He was so nice.
Or maybe he just wanted
famous people to like him.
Ooh. His cell phone might have answers.
Uh, oh.
Two phones. Huh.
Never a good sign.
Huh.
Can I help you?
The cops told me
to come speak with the detective.
- That's me. What is it?
- I saw a lady go
into Mr. Langley's trailer
this afternoon.
- Who are you?
- I'm a production assistant.
- Did you know who it was?
- No. But I saw she had, like,
a crazy face and a thing on her head.
- You mean a hat?
- No, a thing.
And her face was so crazy.
Like this?
- Yeah, actually.
- Really?
That's who you saw? Lorena Marchuk?
I think so.
The infamous real estate widow.
Oh, that's who this is.
Didn't she go to prison?
- Were they arguing?
- I don't know.
I was in a rush,
but I think he let her in.
All right, thank you.
So, aging, infamous socialite
Lorena Marchuk
walks up to Otis's trailer,
broad daylight,
climbs up these stairs
knocks on his door,
he lets her in,
and then, she shoots him?
It's possible.
In the '90s, Lorena was known
as the Medusa of Madison Avenue.
GRACE: Yeah, and it's a running prank
on Otis's show
that someone jumps out
and scares celebrities
while wearing that mask.
It's kind of funny.
Maybe not to her.
Don't touch that vase.
It cost more than your life savings.
So, Otis Langley is dead.
What has that got to do with me?
You were seen going
into his trailer today.
Me?
We hear there's bad
blood between you two.
You bet there is, that bastard.
So, did you visit Mr. Langley
in his trailer this afternoon?
No, I was here.
You, get up.
I was in bed watching my favorite show.
Ooh. Was it Ninja Warrior?
I love that one.
The Young and the Restless.
With a glass of wine.
- Just one?
- That's none of your business.
FLEMING: Can anyone confirm your story?
Any staff, or?
I'm between staff at the moment.
But I'm always here.
I don't get out a lot.
Not like I used to.
Is that because of Otis Langley
and his cruel jokes at your expense?
Oh. May I sit?
Yes, you may.
Thanks.
And "cruel" is exactly the word
for Otis Langley.
I should be used to it by now,
but the media has never been kind to me.
Had you been in
touch with Mr. Langley?
What? I should reach out to him?
He should have called me to apologize.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude,
but there, uh, seems to be
something
Oh
my.
What is that?
A pistol.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
LORENA: Uh. Oh.
Oh, Lorena! Not again!
Defend me, Betty!
Oh. You know I will! (GASPS)
Are you her attorney?
- Excuse me?
- She said, "Defend me."
- Who are you?
- Oh, I'm a lawyer, too,
but I'm with the police.
- Well, sort of. I
- I'm not a lawyer.
I'm a columnist.
At The New York View!
Oh, you're Betty Heymouth!
I recognize you from the, um
Oh, my son works with you.
Do you know Teddy Tascioni?
He's a fact-checker.
- I don't need those.
- Oh. Well, he's
- GRACE: Elsbeth?
- Oh.
Oh, sorry. That's me.
Nice to meet you, Betty Heymouth.
BETTY: Uh-huh.
Lorena, don't tell them a thing, dear.
Oh, what a nightmare!
Got any packages for me?
Ah, you've seen the new CaffePro 6000.
Nice, right?
Here, I'll give you a tutorial.
Where did it come from?
The department found money
in the discretionary budget.
Each color is a different variety.
Green is decaf,
so, you want to avoid those.
I don't like the smell of it.
Really? It should have notes of
cinnamon and bay leaf.
No, the machine.
Plus, they repaired the squeaky
radiator in my office,
repainted the stairwell, and
I could swear the Wi-Fi is faster.
Yes. IT upgraded it last week.
What game is he playing?
- Who?
- Tully.
You think
Commissioner Tully's the reason
they're approving our requests?
Yeah. One minute,
he's humiliated in a poker game,
the next, we have this.
Yeah. It must be a part
of his payback plan.
The plan in which he
provides the precinct
with sorely needed upgrades?
Dastardly.
Trust me.
It's never what it seems with that guy.
Captain Wagner, get ready.
I have major tea.
Those pods make tea, too?
It's slang. It means she has gossip.
Are you not on Instagram?
Otis Langley
was Pop Lunatic!
- No!
- Yes.
I'm just kidding. What the hell is that?
Pop Lunatic is this anonymous
social media account.
People send messages to it
when they have celebrity gossip,
sightings, blind items,
and they reshare the juiciest stuff.
I can't believe you don't follow.
So, Otis had two phones on him
when he died.
And it turns out, one of them
was a burner logged into
the Pop Lunatic account.
There was nothing else on the phone,
and it was encrypted with a VPN.
FLEMING: People are going
to freak when they find out it was him.
So you think running a secret account
has something to do with his murder?
FLEMING: Maybe.
Several celebs were trying
to sue the account for libel.
But Otis also managed to piss off
at least one person under his own name.
Lorena Marchuk.
And she's already got a criminal record.
- Wasn't that white-collar?
- Housing discrimination.
Elsbeth, I didn't see you there.
Betty Heymouth got an interview
with her from prison.
According to Betty,
it was Lorena's second arrest
that really made her infamous.
She punched a Bergdorf's saleswoman.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, I think that's when
Otis started using her face
as a jump scare.
Plus, ballistics matched
the gun we found at Lorena's
with the shell casing
from the crime scene.
A 1970s Soviet-made service sidearm.
Lorena's late husband was from
Belarus. We think it was his.
- Mm. Betty doesn't.
- Excuse me?
Betty Heymouth.
She thinks Lorena was innocent.
- Why?
- Hard to say, actually.
She included a lot of details
that made her seem guilty.
Maybe because she is guilty.
I don't know. I think I'm Team Betty.
Are you?
I just don't understand
why Lorena would let me sit
on a loaded gun
if she knew it was there.
What did I ever do to her?
Maybe she got drunk
and forgot where she stashed it.
Or maybe she didn't put it there.
Also, if Otis was making fun
of her for years,
why did she suddenly decide
to shoot him yesterday?
These are all fine questions.
Unfortunately, Lorena's lawyered up.
She's not taking any questions.
Well, then
maybe we should go talk to someone
whose questions she is taking.
Ms. Marchuk lives a few floors up?
Yeah, she's on the sixteenth floor.
Better view, a longer elevator ride.
Did you really meet Mick Jagger?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
First time I met Mick,
I was using the pay phone at Studio 54,
and I was dictating my column,
and he came up to me,
tapped me on the shoulder,
and he said he needed to use the phone.
My guess he wanted
to call his drug dealer.
I told him to buzz off.
Betty Heymouth has never missed
her filing deadline. Not once.
You and Ms. Marchuk are close?
Oh, my God. You met James Brown?
Yeah, yeah, I did. Yeah, Lorena is
- Well, she
- Oh, my God.
- And Princess Di?
- BETTY: Yes. I'll save you time.
I've met all them
- and then some.
- Ah.
You're not from New York, are you?
- Peoria.
- Oh.
Yes, well, Lorena and I first
met in the '90s, Detective,
when she bought into this building.
That was after her first prison stay.
And you really never missed
a filing deadline?
- I really haven't.
- What is that? Um, midnight?
11:30.
- Huh.
- What?
Oh, well, uh, in today's column
Where is it? Let's see.
Uh, buh-buh-buh
(SINGSONGY):
I don't know where I put it.
Buh-buh-buh, ah-ah-ah.
Here it is, here it is.
Oh Uh
Sorry. (LAUGHS)
Um (CLEARS THROAT)
It says, "I just can't picture"
"frail, aging Lorena pulling a pistol
on a younger, bigger man
at such close range."
You don't need
to read it to me, I wrote it.
But what has it got to do
with my deadline?
Well, it's true that Otis was
murdered with a pistol,
but the police didn't release
that information
until early this morning.
Are you a psychic?
Well, I-I don't wait for press releases
to get my information.
I have my own sources.
Oh, really? Like who?
Oh. Ha, ha. Nice try.
You see, the thing is, I am
very, very loyal to my friends.
I really am, I mean
and whatever Lorena's sins,
she has always taken my calls,
and in my book,
that makes you a friend.
Well, hang on.
That doesn't sound like
you really think she's innocent.
(SIGHS)
Maybe I-I, I just don't
want to believe it.
- Why not?
- Well,
I've got a feeling it might be my fault.
You see, I went up there
that morning to have some tea,
and I showed her a clip that I had seen
of Otis insulting her.
And Oh, my God.
Do you think I might have
put her up to it?
How did she seem
when you showed her the clip?
Well, I shouldn't say, but I will.
She was very, very angry.
You people, please be kind to Lorena.
She's been through a lot.
Is something wrong?
Uh, no.
It's just, my building
has the same kind of lock.
Well, I'm sure that passes
for interesting in Illinois,
- but, uh
- (CHUCKLES): No, no.
It's just that, um,
this kind of lock, it has a switch.
So, if you just press this,
it keeps it from locking.
So, if you leave without your keys,
you won't lock yourself out.
Uh, presumably, Lorena has
the same kind of lock?
Presumably, but I don't follow.
Well, anyone who had access
to Lorena's apartment yesterday
could have flipped the switch
on their way out
to make sure they'd be able to reenter,
if they wanted to, say,
I don't know,
plant a pistol
between two couch cushions?
(BETTY SCOFFS)
Well, anything's possible.
But proving something like that
would be mighty tough,
- right?
- Mm.
(CLEARS THROAT) Uh
you'll have to excuse me,
my deadline looms.
Can I?
(EXHALES)
Mother Teresa?
She really has met everybody.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Oh, hey.
- Come on in.
- Hey. Are you seeing
all this stuff about Otis?
No. What stuff?
- May I?
- Yes.
RACHEL (OVER VIDEO): Look, I know
it's, like, really bad
to, like, speak ill of the dead,
but all these stories are coming
out about how nice Otis was,
and I just want you to know
that it's not true.
Oops, I said it.
But, yeah, ask anyone
who worked on the show.
(WHISPERS): Otis was a dick.
Oh, how disappointing.
Once this girl spoke up,
everyone started
posting their stories about Otis.
I mean, now the hashtag #OtisWasMean
is trending all over social media.
"He sent back his mashed potatoes
because they were mushy."
God.
Oh. Wait, wait, wait. Scroll
Um, here. Hold on.
Uh, ah-ah-ah
There.
"Otis Langley was one of
the gentlest souls I knew.
I will miss him greatly."
(LAUGHS) That person needs
to read the room.
That person
is Nadine.
My assistant scheduled
that tribute to go out
before the stories
about Otis began dropping.
I'm just glad there's
at least one other person
who didn't know he was a jerk.
I was starting to feel like a rube.
No, I knew. Everyone did.
But when someone famous dies,
it's traditional
to post photos you took together
to emphasize
one's own proximity to stardom.
And I believe strongly
in self-promotion.
Ooh, what are you promoting?
(GASPS) My newest enterprise:
Eau de ChouChou.
High-end canine fragrances
for the dog who has everything.
A-Aren't dogs
highly sensitive to scents?
Trust me,
once your little Gizmo tries it,
she'll feel naked
leaving the house without it.
Gonzo.
And she is naked
when she leaves the house.
If everybody knew that Otis was a jerk,
then why didn't I ever
read about it in the press?
Well, you know how gossip works.
Clearly, he was trading
information about celebrities
in exchange for protection.
Oh, that makes sense.
He did have a lot of dirt
on other celebs.
- Hmm?
- Oh, we think Otis
was the man behind Pop Lunatic.
You're joking. I love Pop Lunatic.
I am always sending them tips
about myself.
In fact, I've sent several
in the past few days.
You're telling me
it's been Otis this entire time?
We think so. We found him with
a phone logged into the account.
Oh, no wonder the account hasn't
posted anything since Otis died.
Elsbeth Taskioni,
this is some major gossip.
(CHUCKLES) "Tascioni."
(TICKING, RINGS)
Some of these stories about Otis
make him seem really nasty.
Oh, thank you.
Ooh. Could I have
one of those, too? Please? Huh.
I heard that he once
threw a shih tzu at an intern.
- Did you see that one?
- I did.
But I think it was a schnauzer.
Wait, where did I see that?
(GASPS SOFTLY)
Oh, it was a blind item
on Pop Lunatic a few weeks ago.
I was scrolling through and Look.
"Which well-regarded
TV impresario's network
"paid a giant settlement after he threw
a schnauzer at his intern?"
All right, from Otis himself,
it was a schnauzer.
No, Nadine. Why would Otis
post a negative blind item
about himself?
To cover his tracks.
Half the items I send in
about myself are unflattering.
Otherwise, people know
you're the source.
Can I see those last few DMs
you sent him?
Oh, wow. Okay. Hmm.
Mm.
Uh, look.
Marked as read.
You sent these after he died.
That means someone else
is accessing the account.
Maybe he had an accomplice.
But why weren't they
posting new content?
Maybe Otis wasn't Pop Lunatic at all.
Maybe the phone belonged
to the person who killed him.
(WHISPERS): But who was that?
SIM card in (EXHALES)
Activate
VPN.
(GASPS)
Oh.
Wow, this looks interesting.
(CHUCKLES)
You don't say. But I will.
Go ahead.
No.
Do you know who this is?
No.
- How about him?
- No.
Really? I love him.
FLEMING: Okay, how about this one?
Bob Hope. Obviously.
What is the meaning of all this?
(LOCK CLICKS)
All of those people were
featured in Pop Lunatic posts.
If Lorena has no idea who they are
She probably didn't run
the Pop Lunatic account.
-I get it. But maybe she was lying.
-Mm-hmm.
But we didn't tell her
why we were quizzing her,
and her lawyer offered her cooperation
as a show of good faith.
Okay, fine, so, what's your point?
Well, I think whoever murdered
Otis is the real Pop Lunatic,
and they planted that phone
at the crime scene
to make it look like Otis.
Who would do that?
Betty Heymouth.
She's a master of framing
information and people.
Betty's nearly as old as Lorena.
You're on Instagram.
Age is just a number, right?
"Pat Nixon called me anytime
she was in New York.
"We'd have breakfast at the Waldorf
and gab about drab D.C."
That's from today. Pat Nixon.
You think Betty's read up
on the latest Twitch star?
What motive could she have to kill Otis?
Good question.
Let me see what my inside source
can dig up.
What's a "Lonelygirl15"?
It was an early YouTube channel
that ended up being a hoax.
People weren't as
Internet-savvy back then.
So, that means Betty wrote
about something modern.
Yep. My copy editor friend told me
that Betty once tried reaching
a younger audience,
uh, covering younger celebrities,
reality stars, tech,
but then Betty's readers revolted.
Interesting.
And so, the paper's
owners got nervous,
and so, Betty went back
to her old material,
talking about Raquel Welch
and Gorbachev or whatever.
(GASPS) But I bet she missed
getting the scoop on newer stories.
Maybe she found a different
outlet for her passion.
Ah, but running a side account
like Pop Lunatic
would have been
in breach of her contract.
Well, all the more reason
to make sure her identity stayed secret.
Plus, all those celebs suing Pop Lunatic
meant she'd probably
go bankrupt if exposed.
- Sounds like a motive.
- Yes.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Sorry to interrupt,
but, um, check this out.
So
Another Otis horror story,
but this one has a video
from the day before he died, and look.
WAITRESS (OVER VIDEO): So,
Otis Langley came into the restaurant.
He was so rude and disruptive.
He was clearly in a bad mood
the minute he walked in.
This is the moment where
he screamed in my manager's face
and refused to pay his bill
because he saw
"specks of yellow"
in his egg white omelet.
You can see he stormed out to his car.
This is where it gets
- ELSBETH: Wait. Pause it.
- (KEYBOARD CLICKS)
The license plate.
GRACE: Exactly.
Isn't that Betty's car?
ELSBETH (LAUGHS): Yeah.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh. Oh, I didn't bring tissues, did you?
I think this is gonna be a weepy.
No, just focus on the actors' teeth.
Disgust keeps the mascara intact.
Oh, okay.
Oh, sorry.
I'll see you inside.
- REPORTER: Over here!
- REPORTER 2: Who are you?
Uh, me? I'm nobody.
I'm just trying to get down to the
Don't mind me. Okay. Sorry.
(GASPS, CHOKES)
- REPORTER 3: Are you two together?
- What? No.
Let me go this way.
So, if somebody were
to play you in a movie,
who would you want it to be?
Who, who, who?
- Oh, Peoria.
- Ah.
What are you doing here?
Oh, my gosh.
This really is glamorous, isn't it?
Yeah, well, it loses its luster
after a few decades.
But now that I've got you,
TMZ is reporting the news
that Otis Langley was running
that Pop Looney Tunes account.
Do the police have a comment?
(LAUGHS): Oh, wow.
You never stop reporting, do you?
- No comment.
- Okay.
But, um, be honest.
- Were you really that surprised?
- Ugh, me?
- What do I know about it?
- Well, you two were close.
I just saw a video of Otis
getting into your car.
Actually, it was the day before he died.
Well, Otis and I,
we had a working relationship.
Well, what were you two talking about?
(CHUCKLES): Oh, now it's my turn.
(LAUGHS)
No comment. Otis was a source.
Oh! Alec Baldwin.
- Oh.
- Hilaria! Buenas noches.
She likes to speak Spanish.
Uh, let me guess.
You kept Otis's bad behavior
out of your column
in exchange for gossip about others?
Yeah, it's a dirty business.
Well, nice running into you, Peoria.
Um, oh, a meeting in a car,
ooh, that sounds urgent.
He must've really wanted
to speak with you.
Hmm. Well, as we now know,
with Otis Langley running Pop Lunatic,
he had a lot of gossip to give,
you know, and he made a lot of enemies.
Um oh, actually, listen.
Between us
I'm not sure Otis was Pop Lunatic.
- What do you mean?
- Well, for one thing,
not every post was
from a direct message.
I mean I mean, a lot of them were.
Gosh, if I had known about Pop Lunatic
when I spotted Ina Garten
in Williams Sonoma
What's your point?
Whoever ran the account
clearly had offline sources
of their own.
Maybe someone in your line of work?
- (CHIME PLAYS)
- Oh!
You better get into the theater, Peoria.
- The movie is starting.
- Oh. Oh!
ELSBETH: Excuse me. Excuse me.
- (INHALES)
- Ooh, I love popcorn.
Were you talking to Betty Heymouth?
- I sure was.
- Be careful.
Any publicist will tell you,
she's nice to those she likes
and vicious to anyone who crosses her.
Unlike me, Betty has a bad side.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Elsbeth.
- Have you seen Betty's column?
- (GASPS)
(ELSBETH GROANS)
It attacks Commissioner Tully and you.
- And now
- "The Keystone Commish
"has allowed a ditzy redhead
to harass innocents.
"But this non-officer of the law
has her own beef with the victim."
I didn't have beef with Otis.
Yeah, uh, apparently, you left
the New York Confidential's
office an angry voicemail?
- But Elsbeth
- I called with a correction
when his show's website
misspelled my name.
And that was months ago.
- And that's hardly
- Elsbeth, I am trying to tell you
WAGNER: Elsbeth?
(WHISPERS): Commissioner
Tully's here to see you.
So, the way this looks to me,
I was minding my business, doing my job,
until you two made a very loud,
very public enemy of Betty Heymouth.
I get to open the morning paper
and learn that, uh,
I am screwing up "royally,"
and I need to be replaced.
Well, she's pressuring you
because she's scared.
- Elsbeth.
- TULLY: No, no. No, no.
Let's hear it.
This should be fascinating.
Okay, well, we think I think
that Betty Heymouth may be involved
in the murder of Otis Langley.
Oh. I see.
And you are the detective
on that case?
Uh, well, no, but Detective Fleming
is coming around to my
Detective Fleming is
coming around? Oh, good.
Maybe I am running a slapdash
operation here, Charles,
- because what the hell?
- If it's one thing I know,
- I trust this woman's hunches.
- Her hunches?
- WAGNER: Yes.
- She is here
to make sure that the department
doesn't get sued.
That is her job. Meanwhile,
she appears to be investigating a case
wherein she has
a history with the victim?
I called New York Confidential's
tip line
with a firm but polite correction.
I have no idea how she heard about that,
but she's making it
into more than it was.
That's because
she is a gossip columnist.
That is her job!
She may be an old bag,
but she (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
she has a lot of readers
in high places.
And an extremely vindictive streak.
Exactly.
So, you two
are going to bring
Betty Heymouth back onsides.
Because if she keeps calling for scalps,
I'm gonna give her a few.
(DOOR OPENS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
You enjoying your new perk?
Ah. We are very grateful
for, uh, all of the improvements
around here.
Oh, you think they came from
Oh, no, no.
If it were up to me, Charles,
you'd be shelling out for your
Latte Grande down the street.
Then who?
The mayor?
Hizzoner is very focused
on appearing fair and honest right now.
Wants to make sure he's not
accused of slow-walking requests
from the precinct
where his ex-girlfriend
- happens to work.
- Elsbeth?
Hmm.
Well, in my opinion,
there's nothing wrong
with using discretionary funds
to show pleasure or displeasure,
as you're about to find out.
You wouldn't take the machine
would you?
No, I'm not that cruel.
But, uh, I'll just stop
paying for the, uh,
little pod refills.
Consider that a shot
-across the bow.
-Now, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. (SIGHS)
It's not the only thing
I can defund, Charles.
Oh
Decaf.
ELSBETH: Hi, Betty.
I won't take up too much
of your time, I just
- Well, go ahead.
- Pardon me?
Well, we know why you're here.
I get a lot of these kinds of visits.
- What kind is that?
- You're here to grovel,
so that I don't go after you
in my column anymore.
Okay, yes, I did bring you
a little something
as a gesture of friendship.
- "Eau de ChouChou"?
- Mm-hmm. Perfume.
For the pet who already has everything.
Do you have a dog?
- No.
- Oh.
Okay, well, that's all right.
I know what you really want,
which is gossip, about the case.
On background, of course.
Step into my office.
So, they're releasing Lorena.
Well, that's a relief.
She should sue you people.
I hope not. (CHUCKLES)
But my real news:
Pop Lunatic is gonna live on.
What?
After we wrap the case,
all of Otis's personal effects
will go to his husband,
including the phone that he used
to access the account.
And Harry told us he's gonna
carry on Otis's legacy.
Well, so he says.
Well. Well, that's wonderful news.
Mm.
Can you believe that Otis
didn't even tell his own husband
he was Pop Lunatic?
Harry was completely shocked.
Well, I welcome the competition.
Right. (CLEARS THROAT)
By the way, I have to ask.
How did you hear about
the voicemail I left
on New York Confidential's tip line?
You don't you get it, do you, Peoria?
I have ears everywhere.
Every corner table,
the back of every black car,
the rope line at every club,
the answering service in every newsroom.
There is nothing
said out loud in this city
that I can't find out about.
Because I know something
fundamental about people:
they want to talk.
And it's what's kept my phone
ringing for the last 40 years.
They love to gossip.
Everyone from Otis Langley
to Augusto Pinochet.
They all want what Betty has to offer:
validation.
Did you really know Augusto Pinochet?
I know everyone.
Right, but he's less of a celebrity
and more of a brutal autocrat.
Augusto was stubborn, but
so handsome in uniform.
Now, I have a deadline, so out with you.
I'm sorry, Nadine, she will not
come out from under the bed.
Selecting the perfect fragrance
is a process.
But trust me, I will find Gizmo
her signature scent.
- Gonzo.
- Gonzo.
TEDDY: See anything interesting, Mom?
Well, you have to read
between the lines,
but it really feels like
Betty and Pinochet had
a fling back in the day.
Ooh, what's this?
Well, Mom asked me to go through
the archives at work
for old Betty Heymouth columns.
Oh, I thought you'd given up on that.
I did, but get this:
"Pinochet showered me with gifts"
- (SOFT GASP)
- "spoils taken off the body
of leftist guerrillas
captured by his men."
TEDDY: Well, she's really not supposed
to accept gifts from sources
over a certain dollar amount.
Maybe that's where she got it.
- Got what?
- The gun used to kill Otis.
It's from the USSR.
TEDDY: And the leftist guerrillas
were probably
using Soviet-made weapons.
- Wow, that's smart.
- Yes, I knew it.
Betty killed Otis
and then set up Lorena to take the fall.
Oh, I just wish there was
some way I could prove it
without putting
Captain Wagner's job in danger.
She really will carry water
for anyone who flatters her.
Even a brutal strongman.
That's how it works.
They'll do propaganda
for anyone willing to talk to them.
- Mm.
- During my divorce, I could always tell
which columnists had just spoken
to my ex-husband.
They'd print any lie
he told them about me.
- Nadine.
- Hmm?
You're a genius.
Oh. People are always saying that.
But specifically why are you saying it?
- I need your help.
- (GASPS SOFTLY)
BETTY: Well, friends, New York City's
bachelor mayor Alec Bloom
may have found his first lady.
A very reliable source tells us
that Bloom recently shared
an intimate dinner at Gracie Mansion
with former supermodel Nadine Clay.
Our source claims Bloom wowed
her by flying in croissants
from her favorite
Parisian bakery Le Matin,
and that things have moved
quickly from there.
Ooh, la, la.
Hey, what's going on here?
Hey, hey! That's my stuff.
You can't do that. Who's in charge here?
Ma'am, we can't let you upstairs.
This is a flagrant violation
of my First Amendment rights.
Where's your warrant?
Have you seen today's paper?
FLEMING: It has everything we needed
to convince the judge
to give us a search warrant.
And here it is.
Oh, no. No, not my Noriega.
ELSBETH:
We know that you were the brains
behind Pop Lunatic, not Otis.
Oh. How would you know that?
You told us, in today's column.
Pop Lunatic went dark, but you're still
checking the DMs
to see if there's anything
you can put in your column
before the account
goes to Otis's husband
and you lose access forever.
I could have heard about Nadine
and Mayor Bloom from anyone.
No, you couldn't, because Nadine
made the whole thing up.
WAGNER: Nadine confirmed it
with me this morning
that she'd never met Alec Bloom.
She's never been to that bakery.
In fact, she hasn't eaten
a croissant since 1996.
You'd only get that detail wrong
if your source was the DM
Nadine sent to Pop Lunatic.
FLEMING: Your mistake
made it possible for us
to search your files, and we found proof
that you started a draft of your column
about Otis's murder
hours before he died.
You'd never missed a deadline before,
and you weren't gonna let
some late-breaking news
make you start now.
And are you ready
for this juicy news item?
Tell me if I'm right.
Otis figured out you were Pop Lunatic,
and he threatened to expose you.
Yeah, running Pop Lunatic was
a nice side hustle,
but it was getting too hot.
And exposure would mean
losing your column
and dozens of defamation lawsuits.
- You needed out.
- So, you solved two problems in one.
You killed Otis,
and then you made it look like
he was Pop Lunatic.
- (EXHALES SHARPLY)
- WAGNER: Betty Heymouth,
you're under arrest
for the murder of
Oh, shut up.
At least I'll get the front page
of the View one last time.
Guess you could have used
a fact-checker after all.
(SIGHS) Thank you, Captain.
There's no one I trust more
with my livelihood than you, Elsbeth.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Hey, are you suddenly
in the mood for a croissant?
Nah. I'm more of a beignet man.
(ELSBETH CHUCKLES)
Commissioner.
Captain.
Glad I caught up with you.
You see, we solved
the Betty Heymouth problem.
Mm. Arresting her was a blunt fix.
- That's usually more my style.
- Well, she happened to be guilty.
So, no ill will toward Precinct 11?
Just keep a tighter grip on your team.
Especially that
lawyer.
- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
- Well
can I drop you somewhere?
My car's waiting outside.
Commissioner's perk.
Just running a quick errand,
and I don't mind the walk.
Those of us still doing real police work
need to keep our feet on the ground.
You convinced Tully?
Nope. These are on me.
That's generous of you, Captain.
Are you replenishing
the coffee pods indefinitely?
Eh, I don't know.
Because that'll get expensive.
Do you want the pods or not?
Perhaps we should encourage the officers
to reuse the pods to save money.
(MUTTERS): I ain't got time
And then there's the plastic
waste to think about.
There are programs that recycle.
I'll look into it.
Now, I was reading the manual,
and the machine should be descaled
every three to six months.
They offer