The Brady Bunch (1969) s03e19 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Mom! Alice!
Greg! Marcia!
Peter, Peter, what's the matter?
Is something wrong?
No, I've got great news.
Oh, that's a relief.
Well, come on, tell us the news.
You know the school paper? Yeah?
They needed a new reporter.
A lot of guys tried out for it,
but who do you think they picked?
Oh, I'll take a wild guess you!
Yeah! How did you know?
Woman's intuition.
I'm not just going to
be an ordinary reporter.
I'm going to have my own column!
Your own column that's terrific!
Congratulations, Peter.
Thanks.
And I know just what I'm going to call it
"The Whole Truth," by
"Scoop" Brady.
"Scoop"?! All right, that's great!
I'm going to write a column
that'll stand
Fillmore Junior High on its ear.
Then I'm gonna write one
for my high school,
then for college.
I might become a famous reporter!
Maybe I'll win a Pulitzer prize!
But first, I'd better do something.
What's that?
Learn how to type.
Jan, did you take my pencils?
Nope.
I had three pencils in
this drawer; They're gone.
Check with Scoop Brady.
Oh, no.
First, he takes my carbon paper,
then my erasers and now my pencils.
Mine, too.
Did either one of you take
the pencils from my desk? No.
Well, somebody did.
Check with Scoop Brady.
Oh, for crying out loud.
First he takes my carbon paper,
then my erasers and now my pencils.
Did you call me, honey?
Sweetheart, have you
seen my typewriter?
It was in here this morning.
Oh, I forgot to tell you
power of the press.
Scoop Brady borrowed it.
You're kidding?
First he takes my carbon paper,
then my erasers, then my pencils
now my typewriter?
Well, he said he was a little short
on the tools of his trade.
( Chuckles )
Oh, well, I guess it's all
pretty exciting for him.
I'll put my notes on my tape recorder.
Um, listen, by the way, honey,
don't go looking for your old brown hat.
My old brown hat?
"The
whole"
Peter, why are you
wearing Dad's old hat?
Because that's how us reporters look
in the newspaper game.
And the name isn't Peter, it's Scoop.
Scoop? You mean "stoop."
Very funny. ( Western playing on TV )
I think we saw this one already.
No, they all look the same.
( Gunshots emanating from TV )
Will you guys turn that thing off?
I'm trying to think.
( Gunshots, bullets ricocheting )
( Clicks TV off )
Hey, what are you
doing? We were watching!
I told you, I can't think.
Well, that's nothing new.
Hey, will you guys knock
it off; I'm trying to work.
You'd better knock it off.
There are two of us and only one of you.
( All shouting )
Hold it.
Wait a minute!
What's the matter?
Hi, Dad.
Big shot "stoop" won't let us watch TV.
They can watch TV upstairs.
I'm trying to work.
Why can't you work upstairs?
Dad, a newspaperman
has to be near the phone.
You never know when
a big story might break.
Well, that's a point.
Why can't you kids watch
television upstairs?
That's just a dinky
little set up there, Dad.
What if we get hungry?
This is right next to the kitchen. Yeah.
Look, kids, when one person
is doing something
that's important to him,
sometimes the others have to
accept a little inconvenience.
He means we got to watch upstairs.
I know what he means.
Thanks, Dad.
You're welcome.
How's the column coming, Scoop?
Writing's sure a lot
tougher than I thought.
"The Whole Truth."
That's all you got?
That's all I could think of.
( Phone rings )
I bet that's another guy
with a hot flash for my column.
Scoop Brady talking.
Oh. For you, Dad.
Mm-hmm. Thank you.
Dad? Yes?
Would you mind keeping it a little short?
You never know
when a big story might break.
Sure thing, Scoop.
All right, children,
time for exercises.
Not again!
We hate them!
Oh, come on, now.
One, two, one
Come on, come on.
Hey, what's going on here?
( Girls laughing )
Those are really cute!
This is Miss Crocker, our gym teacher.
Oh, how do you do, Miss Crocker?
How do you do? One, two, one
What are they for?
Well, we're doing a skit
on our teachers on Jamboree Night.
You know, rib them a little.
Well, that's the best time to rib them
after your final grades.
And, speaking of grades,
you two have finals this week.
I finished all my studying, Mom.
So did I.
That's why I'm helping Marcia
with these puppets.
( With British accent ):
I'm Mrs. Sanders
Marcia's English teacher.
Oh, hello.
And this is Mr. Price,
the science teacher.
( In low voice ): And now, students,
we take up the study of chlorophyll.
"Chlorophyll" is a Greek word.
"Chloro" means green,
and I guess "phyll"
is the guy who discovered it.
Hey, you got Mr. Price down perfect.
He's the toughest teacher I've ever had.
You have him this term,
don't you, Peter?
I sure do.
Well, just remember, Scoop Brady,
you have finals, too.
So don't neglect your studies
because of that column.
Don't worry, Mom, everything's real cool.
Well, just make sure it doesn't warm up.
One, two, one
Is that your column?
Yeah.
Can we read it?
Well Come on.
All it says is,
"The Whole Truth by Scoop Brady."
Well, I haven't finished it yet.
It isn't even started.
That's the whole trouble,
getting it started.
Before I became a writer,
I could think of a million
things to write about.
Now I can't think of one.
Come on, there's lots to write about.
Oh, yeah? Name one.
Well, how about my Jamboree Night?
And the girls' basketball team
undefeated.
And so is the debating team.
Hey, that's real good stuff.
And the drama club
is doing three one-act plays.
And there's a charity Okay, okay.
You're getting me confused.
I'll get on it right away.
I say, that Scoop is some reporter, I say.
Yes, he is some reporter, indeed.
( laughing )
Well, what do you think?
Uh, well, it's-it's, um
it's not a, uh, bad column, Pete.
Boy, the typing is real neat, Peter.
You think it's rotten.
Not at all.
The items are fine.
The way you wrote it, it's a little, um
dull, right, Alice?
Well, you could jazz it up a little.
How?
ALICE: Well, take the pie sale.
You said, "14 apple pies were baked."
Eh. Couldn't you say something like,
"What sweet young thing
in the eighth grade
bakes the wildest apple pies in town?"
Hey, I get it
make it more personal.
Right. The girls' basketball item
you didn't mention a single name.
Kids like to see their names in the paper
and to read about themselves.
Particularly, if you appeal to their vanity.
Vanity? What's vanity?
Vanity is what makes
women with size-12 feet
wear size-eight shoes.
She means flatter them.
Names, and flatter them, huh?
Boy, will I ever!
Thanks!
Peter. Peter.
Hi, Iris.
I just wanted to thank you.
They picked me to be yell leader,
and I owe it all to you.
Why me?
Because of all the things you
wrote about me in your column.
I'm glad it helped.
Maybe we can have a malt
together after school.
Swell.
And I'm paying;
you're my guest, Peter.
Hey, Peter, you're the greatest.
You mean the item in the column.
I've never been so popular with girls.
They really believe that stuff you wrote
about me being a great dancer.
Well, you are, compared to me;
I can't dance at all.
Here. It's only some candy bars,
but I just wanted
to show my appreciation.
Thanks.
Hey, if you can think of anything else
to say about me,
I've got an uncle who owns a pizza place.
See you later.
Peter! I've been looking all over for you.
Well, it looks like you found me.
Thanks for the great item
in your column about my singing.
Mrs. Meredith asked me
to do a solo on Jamboree Night!
That's great!
And, Peter, I'm going to have
a super party soon,
and you're the first name
on my guest list.
I know you're studying, Eddie,
but I need an item for my column.
Yeah, something real snappy
a little gossip or
Have you got the whole thing
about osmosis right now, Eddie?
Yeah, I know
that science class isn't too easy.
Okay, let me know
if you're stuck again. Bye.
Well, did you get him
squared away on osmosis?
Yep.
Yeah, well, that makes me
feel a little bit better.
How do you mean?
Well, with all the time
you've been spending on your column
and all the parties you've been invited to,
your mother and I have
been a little bit afraid
you've been neglecting your schoolwork.
Nah. I'm going to do
some more studying right now.
You are? Yeah.
Hey, that's good.
Turn out the lights when you're through.
Osmosis osmosis
I'd better find out
what in heck osmosis is
or does!
We both had Mr. Price for science,
and we know what kind
of final exams he gives.
I'm sure we can help.
Thanks. I just hope it's not too late.
The easiest way to remember things is
by making up little rhymes about them
like, "a vertebrate has
a back that's straight."
A vertebrate has a back that's straight.
Hey, that's a great idea.
Do you know what a primate is?
Primate primate primate
let's see
I don't think I do.
On second thought, I'm sure I don't.
You can remember it like this.
"A primate has the size and shape
of a monkey, a man or any old ape."
A primate has the size and shape
of a monkey, a man or any old ape.
Hey, that's a great system!
Hey, it worked for me.
Me, too.
Hey, I just thought of
another rhyme. What?
"Next year's going to be so nice;
I won't have to worry about Mr. Price."
Pete, you better hit the book
and read it.
Mr. Price,
have pity on my brother.
PETER: Mr. Price?
Yes, Peter.
I was wondering
that exam we took on Friday:
Have you finished
grading all the papers yet?
Not all of them.
Oh.
As is my customary procedure,
I grade the papers alphabetically,
according to student names.
I'm presently up to, um, "L."
"L"? Then you're past "B."
A keen analytical deduction.
Keener than most of your deductions
in the examination, I'm afraid, Peter.
That sounds like I didn't do so good.
You didn't do so well, either.
I'm quite disappointed in you, Peter.
For the first half of the semester,
you received a "B."
I thought you would be
one of my better students.
Is this test going to have
a big effect on my report card?
Final examinations usually do, Peter.
Thank you, sir.
( Sighs )
"D." A big, fat "D."
Don't I know you from somewhere?
( With French accent )
But yes, mon cheri.
I have been chasing you
to the four corners of the world.
( Giggles )
I'll bet you say that to all the girls.
Oh, Charles,
you mad, impetuous fool.
Kiss me. ( Kissing )
( laughing )
Oh, uh ( chuckles )
Hi, kids.
I was, uh ( stammering )
Well, don't just stand there like a dummy.
Get me out of this.
Hi, Peter. Hi, Mom.
Hey, what's your hurry?
Come here a minute.
I've got a lot of things to do.
How did you do on your finals?
Uh, most of them went okay.
How was your science final?
Was Mr. Price as tough as they say?
Mr. Price said he hasn't finished grading
all the test papers yet.
Well, how do you think you did?
I'm sure I didn't get an "A."
Well, I'll settle for an A-minus.
Boy, so would I.
Hi, Pete.
What do you think you're doing?
We're going to watch TV.
Why don't you watch TV
down in the family room?
We can't. You got us kicked out
of the family room, dumb head.
Well, I'm kicking you back in.
The way you're kicking us around,
you must think we're footballs.
I've got to do a lot
of heavy thinking up here.
If you don't think too loud,
you won't bother us.
Look, if you both go
watch TV downstairs,
I'll give you a candy bar, okay?
Me, too? You, too.
Wow, you got a whole box!
Where'd you get all that candy?
From a guy at school.
I wrote some nice things
about him in my column.
You mean people give you
things for that?
Sure, they like to read
nice things about themselves.
They give you candy bars, pizzas, sodas,
and passes to the movies.
And maybe
maybe even a good grade.
Yeah!
"Yeah," what?
Never mind. You'll miss
your movie. Hurry up.
I've got a special column to write.
Say, any hot flashes
to shake the world with, Scoop?
( Mumbles through pencil )
What?
I said I'm almost finished.
Greg, what's a way of saying
somebody's the best at his job?
"Outstanding."
No, I've already used that one.
"Super." "Terrific."
No. I used them, too.
"Head and shoulders above the crowd."
Hey, that's great.
"There have been
many great men in our country
"Washington, Lincoln
but we have a man in our school
who is just as great: Mr. Price."
Mr. Price?!
The science teacher?
Yeah. Here's the carbon copy
if you want to read it.
( laughs )
Are you kidding?
When I had him,
we called him "Mr. Sourpuss."
That's just the way you see him.
I've got to get this column
over to my editor right away.
Washington, Lincoln
and Mr. Price?!
Good morning, Mr. Price.
What is so good about it, may I ask?
No, Marcia.
I can still see your lips move.
It's not easy to talk
with your mouth closed.
Marcia, Jan, you got to read this.
You won't believe it.
( Speaking quietly )
Mr. Price?!
Peter's flipped.
I'm Mr. Price, and even I don't believe it.
I don't blame you.
It gets better.
There you are.
Say, listen, Hi, Dad.
I thought you were going to take care
of that back lawn this afternoon.
Oh, yeah, I will, Dad. Right away.
( laughing )
What's so funny?
Look, look. This is. Look, read it.
It's Scoop Brady's latest column.
You mean we got
an Art Buchwald in the family?
I'm not sure. Look, look.
( laughing )
I don't think I've gotten
to the funny part yet.
It's all funny if you know Mr. Price.
He's the dullest.
I'm not going to have him until next year,
but everybody in the whole school knows
how dull Mr. Price is.
He's the kind of guy, Dad,
who tells the class jokes in Latin.
And, all semester, only one kid laughed,
and he was Italian.
( laughter )
Come on. I think you're being
a little hard on Mr. Price.
It's not that he's a bad teacher.
He just has a little trouble
getting through to the kids.
According to this,
he seems to have
gotten through to Peter.
Listen, don't forget the lawn, okay?
I won't. I won't. Okay.
Do you think Peter
actually thinks he's great?
Are you kidding?
He's got to have some reason
for writing that column.
A "D"?
What's that, Mrs. Brady?
Look what I found in Peter's jacket.
It's his science test.
I thought it hadn't even been graded yet.
Oh, my.
And "D" sure doesn't stand for "dandy."
No wonder he was being
so evasive about it.
Well, I'm not excusing Peter, honey,
but it isn't easy to tell your parents
about a bad grade.
He's a good student.
I'll bet he didn't study at all.
You know, it's really ironic.
How do you mean?
Well, because Peter wrote
a whole column about Mr. Price.
He made him sound like a cross
between Albert Einstein
and Albert Schweitzer.
Yeah, well, I'll bet
that was before he got the "D."
No. As a matter of fact, he
he wrote it after.
How did you find my test?
Well, you left it
in the pocket of your jacket.
Oh.
Well, it was a tough test, Dad.
Ask any of the kids.
I'm sure it was.
Look, Peter, your mother and I
wouldn't mind the "D" so much
if we thought you had
done your very best.
But you didn't, did you?
No.
No, you didn't.
You were spending too much time
being Scoop Brady, reporter,
not enough time being
Peter Brady, student, right?
I'm sorry.
Mmm.
Listen
about this article
you wrote this afternoon
about Mr. Price.
You know about that, too?
Yes, I do.
Now, was that, like your article says.
"The Whole Truth,"
or was that just a snow job, huh?
In hopes of getting Mr. Price
to give you a better grade
on your report card?
A snow job, I guess.
( Sighs )
Son, there is a thing
called "Power of the press."
And, with the use of that power,
comes responsibility.
I guess I wasn't very responsible, was I?
No, you weren't.
Writing nice things about your friends,
or about Mr. Price,
just to get personal reward
isn't exactly honest reporting.
But what can I do now?
I've already turned in the column.
I'm sure you'll think of something.
Yes, Peter?
Good morning, Mr. Price.
I guess I'm a little early.
You are, indeed.
Your class doesn't occur
for another three hours.
Sir, I have to talk
to you about something.
Proceed.
I wrote a column about you,
it's coming out in the paper,
and some of the things I said
I didn't really mean.
Oh?
Like, I said you were
the greatest teacher in the world.
I didn't really mean the greatest.
I meant fantastic.
Not really fantastic.
More like terrific.
Not terrific I meant
I know what you meant, Peter.
I believe this is the article
to which you are referring.
Yeah. How did you get it?
Newspaper procedure
an editor has to verify factual data
before it's printed.
Oh.
Peter, I've been a teacher too long
not to recognize a soft-soap job.
Snow job, sir.
Snow job, soft soap, whatever.
Your flattery was as transparent
as the membranous appendage
of a lepidoptera.
A what?
The wing of a butterfly.
"Lepidoptera" is the scientific
name for "butterfly."
You should have known that, Peter.
Oh. I thought I was being subtle.
Oh, I can read between the lines.
I take it from this, ( taps paper )
That my students
find me somewhat remote
and lacking in wit.
Boy, you really can
read between the lines.
Also, I take it I may have
some problem of communication.
Well, it's just with all those
Greek and Latin words you use,
the kids almost have to be
professors to understand.
Well, perhaps
we've both learned something
from this experience.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Mr. Price.
Could you give me a hint
to what my final grade
of the semester will be?
You'll get exactly
what you deserve, Peter.
( Sighs )
That's what I was afraid of.
Hi, Dad.
Hello, Peter.
I just want to tell you
that I talked to Mr. Price,
and I told him what I did.
Well, I'm glad, son.
That took courage to do that.
And, from now on,
I'm not going to take any candy bars
or movie passes or anything else,
no matter what I write in my column.
That a boy.
I bet you feel better
about that, don't you?
I sure do.
Especially about Mr. Price,
he was really nice.
I feel better about that, too.
You do? Uh-huh.
That's great.
Could you hold that feeling
until my science grade comes out?
Are you almost through, honey?
Yeah, sweetheart.
I'm down to my last signature.
Boy, I bet I'm the only parent
in the neighborhood
who gets writer's cramp
signing report cards.
Well, the kids did all right,
even counting Peter's
problem with Mr. Price.
Oh, yeah.
Well, he got a "C."
Altogether, I think they got 12 A's, 29 B's,
and only seven C's.
Well, that's a good average.
You betcha.
Good night, honey.
I'd give it a "C."
Give what a "C"?
That kiss I'd give it a "C."
How about a chance
to improve my grade, Teach?
That seems fair.
Hmm yes, that's definitely a "B."
Only a "B"?!
Well, I'm sorry.
I calls 'em as I feels 'em.
How about another chance
for a willing pupil?
Fire when ready, Gridley.
Now, that's an "A."