The Brady Bunch (1969) s03e20 Episode Script
Sergeant Emma
1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
I made out the shopping list, Mrs. Brady
finished the washing, and I don't think
Alice, will you please
stop worrying, we'll be fine.
Now just have a nice vacation.
I will, I really will.
You know, it just broke my heart
saying good-bye to the children
this morning.
It's just going to seem like a year
before I see them again.
Alice, you're only going
to be gone a week.
So I'm 358 days off.
Well, they're going to miss you, too.
Well, I wouldn't go if I didn't know
you'll have a first-rate pinch hitter for me.
You're gonna love my Cousin Emma.
Oh, yeah. I'm sure we will.
Like I said, she's
efficient, well-organized
a born manager.
Oh, there she is now.
Hi, Emma.
Hi there, Alice.
My, it's good to see you.
You, too.
Emma, meet Mr. And Mrs. Brady.
Hello, Emma.
Hi, it's nice to have you with us.
We hope you'll be comfortable.
Thank you. I just hope
that I'm able to make
you people comfortable.
There are six more Bradys to meet
when they get home from school.
Good the more there are,
the better I like it.
( Car horn beeps )
Oh, that'll be Sam to
drive me to the airport.
Well, adios, aloha
arrivederci and auf wiedersehen.
Alice, now, what kind
of a good-bye is that?
When you get on an airplane nowadays,
you never know where
you're going to end up.
Bye.
You take good care
of the Bradys, Cousin Emma.
( Horn beeps )
I'm coming!
I think I can handle the job, folks.
I wasn't 20 years in
the WACs for nothing.
Mustered out as master sergeant.
Master sergeant?
Yes, Ma'am.
Helped run the mess hall
for an entire company.
That must have been a very difficult job.
Not if you're organized.
( Both shouting )
Halt!
About face.
Forward march, and close the door.
Come on, hut-two, hut-two
hut, hut, hut
move along.
Hut, hut-two, hut-two, hut-two.
It's just a question of control.
Hut-two?
( Whistle blows loudly )
( Whistle blowing )
( Whistle blowing )
( Whistle blowing )
What's happening?
I don't know.
( Whistle blows )
There it is again.
Up and at 'em, men.
Up and at who?
Move it. Out of the sack.
Hut-two, hut-two.
But it's barely light outside.
Right. Rise with the sun,
get your day's work done.
But we don't work. We go to school.
Makes no difference.
Good habits start early in life.
Do they have to start
so early in the morning?
Cut the chatter, men.
Suit up and fall out
in the yard in 15 minutes.
The yard?!
What are we going to do in the yard?
Rise and shine, girls.
Breakfast at 0800 hours.
But it's only 6:00 In the morning.
What are we supposed to do
till 0800 hours?
Calisthenics.
Calisthenics?!
Oh, no!
And when I say calisthenics,
I mean calisthenics!
Hut-two, hut-two
Hut-two, hut-two
jump tall.
Hut-two and that's all.
If that's all, I think
I'll be going back to bed.
As you were.
Never break formation until
you've been given the order.
Back, back, snap to it!
Hut, hut, hut!
We're just getting warmed up.
How come we had to come out here
to get warmed up?
Yeah.
I was warmer in bed.
Boy, she really has the kids hustling.
Do you think it might be
too much for them, Mike?
Oh, a little exercise can't hurt them.
What we're going to do now
are deep knee bends.
And I mean deep.
Got it?
Ready, set, exercise.
Hut-two, hut-two.
Heads up, chests out.
Backs straight, looking great.
This is for the birds.
Yeah. The birds.
Are you kidding?
No bird in his right mind
would do knee bends
at 6:00 in the morning.
Can she do this to us?
She's doing it, isn't she?
My knees bent okay before we started.
Hut-two, hut-two
hut-two, and that's all.
Fall out.
( All sigh with relief )
Can we eat now?
I'm starved.
( All agreeing )
Simmer down.
There'll be no chow until
after inspection of quarters.
Get a little more elbow
grease on those shoes.
Yes, sir ma'am.
That's no way to stow socks.
You roll them like this.
That's a regulation sock roll.
That looks like a mushy bed, soldier.
Tighten that blanket.
That quarter's supposed
to jump like a spring.
Yes, ma'am.
Why?
Why?
Regulations that's why.
Well, it's not too bad
for a first inspection.
At ease.
This is like being in the army.
I wonder what the punishment is
for going over the hill.
( Bursts out laughing )
That's funny.
Well, girls, do you think
this room can stand the glove test?
What's the glove test?
That is the glove test.
Get rid of that dust.
Why don't we keep the dust
and get rid of her?
Uncle Sam had her.
Why didn't he keep her?
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Uh-oh. Something's wrong.
What makes you say that?
Because you have
that "something's wrong"
look in your eye.
Well, it's Emma.
Uh-oh, what's the matter with Emma?
Well, I know she means well, honey,
but she's awfully hard on the kids.
Oh, you mean the exercises?
Well, it's not just the exercises.
It's the room inspections
and that awful "hut-two, hut-two"
all over the place.
She's just one of those persons
that has to have everything organized.
Boy, you're not kidding.
She's organized me right
out of my own kitchen.
Oh, by the way, this is for you.
She wants you to initial it.
Yeah? What's this?
Well, it's a duty roster.
A duty roster?
Yeah. She's given the kids assignments.
There's K.P., laundry detail,
trash detail, bathroom detail.
I'm surprised she didn't say "latrine."
She did.
I had to translate for the kids.
Well, honey, there's nothing wrong
with the kids having
duties assigned to them.
You mean you approve of all this?
Well, a little discipline can't hurt.
Okay. I wonder if you'll
feel the same way
at dinner tonight.
What's going to happen
at dinner tonight?
You'll see.
Troops! In here, troops.
Come on, in here.
Grab a plate and get in line.
Form a line right around here.
No pushing.
Organization is the order of the day.
What are we eating?
Potatoes MacArthur, beef Eisenhower
and succotash pentagon.
After you've finished eating,
I want you to rinse off your plates
and pile them in the sink.
Who's got K.P. On the duty roster?
I guess I do.
Well, then you eat first.
Hut-two, hut-two.
What did she say we were having?
Succotash pentagon?
Hut-two, hut-four,
I don't like this anymore.
I've got the terrible feeling
we've all been drafted.
Dad, Mom, can we talk
to you for a minute?
Sure. What's the trouble?
What isn't the trouble?
Do we have to go in
for all that gung-ho jazz?
Especially the exercises.
Well, son, nothing wrong
with building up your body.
CAROL: And what better way
than exercising every day?
I'm glad to hear you feel
that way, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.
People don't always like
what's good for them.
Yeah, that's what I was pointing out.
Kids need exercise.
Adults, too, Mr. Brady,
if you know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think I know what you mean.
You, too, Mrs. Brady.
You've got a nice little figure there.
You wouldn't want it to go to pot.
No, I I guess I wouldn't.
Good. Then I'll expect you both
to join us tomorrow morning. Roger?
Like you said, there's nothing wrong
with building up your bodies.
What better way than
exercising every day, right?
Tomorrow morning at 0600 hours.
0600 hours?
That's that's
that'S 6:00 in the morning.
EMMA: Hut-two, three, four.
Hut-two, three, four.
Hut-two, three, four.
Make those tummies clear the floor.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Lower those backs
and keep them straight.
Hut-two, three, four.
Hut-two, three, four.
Hut-two, three, four and halt.
( All grunt )
Well, it certainly makes you feel better.
Doesn't it?
I don't know.
Right now, I can't feel anything.
All right, troops,
may I have your attention?
I'd like to make an announcement.
Tomorrow morning,
we will not be doing calisthenics.
( All cheer )
Hold it, hold it.
Instead, I have a special surprise.
Hut-two, hut-two, hut-two, come on in.
Hut-two, hut-two, hut-two,
that's good, hut-two.
Hut-two, hut-two, hut-two, hut-two.
All present and accounted for?
Hut-two, hut-two.
All right, fall out.
Hut-two, hut-two, hut-two
Oh, honey, I'm sorry I got you into this.
Why didn't you just
drop out and go home?
Are you kidding?
And face a court martial?
( Blows whistle )
Chow time!
( Groaning )
As Sergeant Emma would say
are you a-okay?
Oh, no, my "A" is far from okay.
And my "B" and "C" are the same.
You know, if Emma
weren't Alice's cousin,
I'd ship her out for overseas duty.
Yeah. Hear, hear.
( Knock at door )
Come in!
Mom? Dad?
Yeah?
On behalf of all the kids,
we'd like to put a proposition to you.
What kind of proposition?
Well, if we don't have to have Emma
the rest of the week,
we'll do all the housework.
We'll even get up at 0600 hours
and do stuff before we go to school.
And we'll come home right after school
and do work, too.
GREG: What we're trying to say is,
we'd like an honorable discharge
from Emma's Army.
Well, that's funny.
Your father and I were
just talking about that.
And?
Well, um, it's not quite that simple.
Emma is Alice's cousin
and we're on kind of delicate ground.
We wouldn't want
to hurt Alice's feelings, would we?
I guess not.
We didn't think of that.
Mmm, well, I guess
we're all stuck for the duration.
I wish we could give her
a three-day pass or something.
Yeah, that sure would help.
Hey, why not?
Mike, why couldn't we get her
to take a couple of days off?
Or even one!
That's a good idea.
Let's talk to her.
( Groans )
Oh.
Oh, just arranging these
dishes in G.I. order.
Have you ever read
the army manual on
mess hall organization?
No, I'm afraid I haven't.
Well, you should.
It's an eye-opener.
Uh, Emma, we appreciate
your working so hard,
but Mrs. Brady and I
are a little concerned about it.
Yeah, we think you've been working
just a little too hard.
Nothing wrong with hard work.
No, no, but you can overdo it.
Even in the army they gave you
three-day passes, didn't they?
Oh, sure they did, but I never took them.
You never took them.
Mr. And Mrs. Brady, I served
20 years in Uncle Sam's army.
Never goldbricked once
I'm not about to start now.
No, sir. I've got
a week's special duty here.
You're gonna get every minute of it.
Oh, Mr. Brady,
that buckle of yours is tarnishing.
I've got an army glad rag
that'll shine that right up.
We heard.
Sorry, kids.
Emma's not going to budge
until Alice returns
from her vacation.
I don't think I can stand it
till Alice gets back.
There must be something we can do.
I called you guys together
for some good news.
Marcia and I have figured out
some plans for Sergeant Emma.
ALL: Good!
All right, you two get a special mission
that's going to knock Emma for a loop.
And you two are going
to help me and Greg.
Come here.
( Talking quietly )
Think Emma's going to be scared?
Sure. Remember Alice?
She screamed,
and jumped ten feet high.
Emma will leave here as fast as she can.
Where shall we put it?
Hey, how about the waste basket?
Perfect!
Okay, Goliath, we're counting on you.
Sure was nice of Benjie
to lend us his pet mouse.
Yeah.
Ready?
Roger.
Emma's got me saying it.
Okay, go.
BOTH ( screaming ): Emma! Emma!
There's a rat in the kitchen!
It's great big! It's got huge yellow teeth.
They're probably all over the place!
Where's this one?
It's in the waste basket!
Watch out! Those teeth are horrible!
And yellow! Awful!
Ooh, it's going to get us!
Oh, what? This little fellow?
Ooh! He's going to get us!
Why, he wouldn't hurt a fly.
Remember, good soldiers
aren't afraid of anything.
He's cute.
Here, make a pet out of him.
She sure wasn't scared of a mouse.
Maybe Benjie has a skunk.
Skunk! I think we need King Kong.
EMMA: As we hit the dusty trail ♪
Hi, Emma.
Hi, troops.
As those caissons go rolling ♪
You want something?
Well, we were just wondering
why you're working so hard
if you feel so bad.
Who says I feel bad?
You're always telling us to
stand up straight like you do.
And, from the way you're bent over,
you must feel terrible.
I'm just bent over dusting.
Well, what about the dark circles?
What dark circles?
Under your eyes.
Yeah. You look kind of feverish.
Feverish?
Maybe we shouldn't have said anything.
Yeah. Forget it, Emma.
See you around.
Hi, Emma.
Hi.
Emma, are you feeling okay?
Well, sure, I'm feeling okay.
Oh, but your face is so flushed.
I thought you might be sick.
And what's the matter with your eyes?
My eyes? Why?
Well, they look kind of glazed.
Maybe she's getting the pinkeye.
Emma, now you're getting
pale as a ghost.
Pale?
You better sit down.
You look like you might faint.
Why, I never fainted in my whole life.
I think you're supposed
to put your head between your knees.
Emma, you ought to take it easy.
Go away for a couple of days' rest.
Right!
You know what's the matter with me?
It's those calisthenics.
Boy, I bet that's what it is.
Too much exercising, right?
Wrong. I've been too easy on myself.
Getting soft as a civilian.
Effective 0600 hours tomorrow,
double calisthenics.
We are really going
to shape up around here.
Over hill, over dale,
as we hit the dusty trail ♪
As those caissons go rolling along ♪
Oh, honey, honey
Mmm?
You know what time it is?
Time for Emma's exercises.
Yeah.
( Sighs )
Oh! Do you realize what today is?
Yeah. How could I forget?
Alice is coming home.
The prisoners of war are
about to be liberated.
Oh, boy.
She sure will be a sight for sore eyes
and a sore back
and sore arms and sore legs.
Oh, well, the kids can hardly wait.
Honey, why don't we give Alice
a coming-home party?
Hey, yeah, why not?
Yeah, why don't we?
I'll order a cake from the bakery
and I'll have Greg pick it up
on his way home from school.
Yeah. I'm for that.
Well, we better get a move on.
You know how Emma is
about our 0600 calisthenics.
Roger. I don't want
to get thrown in the stockade.
Hi, Mom.
Hi.
Here's the cake.
Oh, that looks delicious.
Deliciously fattening.
Yeah.
Here, let me help you.
It looks great.
Careful now.
Hey! Mind if I look, too?
Oh, well, it's just a cake, Emma.
Oh, that's a party cake
if I ever saw one.
Well, um, let me explain,
Emma. You see, it's just
Oh, you don't have
to explain, Mrs. Brady.
I understand.
You do?
Of course I do.
Today's my last day here
and you want to give me
a going-away party.
Right?
Right.
Well, troops, I never really
expected anything like this.
I want you to know
that this is the nicest thing
that's happened to me since
Well, since I got
the General Haggarty award
for my campaign,
"Make Your Barracks Beautiful."
Oh, Emma, it's really nothing.
Yes, it is something, folks.
The army's a lonely life.
You make a friend,
you get transferred away.
Big evening for me used to be going
to the P.X. for shoe polish.
I've loved every single minute
I've been here.
And you've all shaped up just great.
If it was in my power,
I'd give you all good conduct
medals with an oak leaf cluster.
Hi, everybody!
I'm back!
ALL: Alice!
Hiya!
Oh, my.
Oh, my!
What a reception!
I'll go out and come in again!
Ah, well!
Having a little celebration here?
Cousin Alice, my wonderful
platoon has made
a farewell party for old Sarge.
Oh, well, isn't that nice?
See? I told you
the Bradys were something
pretty special.
And I guess you all have discovered
that Cousin Emma's
something special, too.
Oh, she's something special all right.
You better believe it.
Well, that's great
because now I won't have to feel funny
about going away again.
We can just ask Cousin
Emma to come back.
( Whistle blowing )
( Whistle blowing )
( Whistle blowing )
( Whistle blowing )
Not again.
( Whistle tooting )
( More tooting )
( Whistle toots )
Alice, it's 6:00 in the morning.
Yeah, I know.
What are you doing with that whistle?
Emma left it for me.
She said the whole family
just loved getting up at 6:00
and exercising.
Yeah, and she left me,
as a matter of fact,
all these instructions
and a whole lot of other things.
First, calisthenics
at 0600, then mess call,
to be followed immediately
by the white glove test,
for the inspection of the quarters
If, and then only if,
everyone passes that test,
there'll be a rest
Hey, where did everybody go?
Eh?
Hey!
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
I made out the shopping list, Mrs. Brady
finished the washing, and I don't think
Alice, will you please
stop worrying, we'll be fine.
Now just have a nice vacation.
I will, I really will.
You know, it just broke my heart
saying good-bye to the children
this morning.
It's just going to seem like a year
before I see them again.
Alice, you're only going
to be gone a week.
So I'm 358 days off.
Well, they're going to miss you, too.
Well, I wouldn't go if I didn't know
you'll have a first-rate pinch hitter for me.
You're gonna love my Cousin Emma.
Oh, yeah. I'm sure we will.
Like I said, she's
efficient, well-organized
a born manager.
Oh, there she is now.
Hi, Emma.
Hi there, Alice.
My, it's good to see you.
You, too.
Emma, meet Mr. And Mrs. Brady.
Hello, Emma.
Hi, it's nice to have you with us.
We hope you'll be comfortable.
Thank you. I just hope
that I'm able to make
you people comfortable.
There are six more Bradys to meet
when they get home from school.
Good the more there are,
the better I like it.
( Car horn beeps )
Oh, that'll be Sam to
drive me to the airport.
Well, adios, aloha
arrivederci and auf wiedersehen.
Alice, now, what kind
of a good-bye is that?
When you get on an airplane nowadays,
you never know where
you're going to end up.
Bye.
You take good care
of the Bradys, Cousin Emma.
( Horn beeps )
I'm coming!
I think I can handle the job, folks.
I wasn't 20 years in
the WACs for nothing.
Mustered out as master sergeant.
Master sergeant?
Yes, Ma'am.
Helped run the mess hall
for an entire company.
That must have been a very difficult job.
Not if you're organized.
( Both shouting )
Halt!
About face.
Forward march, and close the door.
Come on, hut-two, hut-two
hut, hut, hut
move along.
Hut, hut-two, hut-two, hut-two.
It's just a question of control.
Hut-two?
( Whistle blows loudly )
( Whistle blowing )
( Whistle blowing )
( Whistle blowing )
What's happening?
I don't know.
( Whistle blows )
There it is again.
Up and at 'em, men.
Up and at who?
Move it. Out of the sack.
Hut-two, hut-two.
But it's barely light outside.
Right. Rise with the sun,
get your day's work done.
But we don't work. We go to school.
Makes no difference.
Good habits start early in life.
Do they have to start
so early in the morning?
Cut the chatter, men.
Suit up and fall out
in the yard in 15 minutes.
The yard?!
What are we going to do in the yard?
Rise and shine, girls.
Breakfast at 0800 hours.
But it's only 6:00 In the morning.
What are we supposed to do
till 0800 hours?
Calisthenics.
Calisthenics?!
Oh, no!
And when I say calisthenics,
I mean calisthenics!
Hut-two, hut-two
Hut-two, hut-two
jump tall.
Hut-two and that's all.
If that's all, I think
I'll be going back to bed.
As you were.
Never break formation until
you've been given the order.
Back, back, snap to it!
Hut, hut, hut!
We're just getting warmed up.
How come we had to come out here
to get warmed up?
Yeah.
I was warmer in bed.
Boy, she really has the kids hustling.
Do you think it might be
too much for them, Mike?
Oh, a little exercise can't hurt them.
What we're going to do now
are deep knee bends.
And I mean deep.
Got it?
Ready, set, exercise.
Hut-two, hut-two.
Heads up, chests out.
Backs straight, looking great.
This is for the birds.
Yeah. The birds.
Are you kidding?
No bird in his right mind
would do knee bends
at 6:00 in the morning.
Can she do this to us?
She's doing it, isn't she?
My knees bent okay before we started.
Hut-two, hut-two
hut-two, and that's all.
Fall out.
( All sigh with relief )
Can we eat now?
I'm starved.
( All agreeing )
Simmer down.
There'll be no chow until
after inspection of quarters.
Get a little more elbow
grease on those shoes.
Yes, sir ma'am.
That's no way to stow socks.
You roll them like this.
That's a regulation sock roll.
That looks like a mushy bed, soldier.
Tighten that blanket.
That quarter's supposed
to jump like a spring.
Yes, ma'am.
Why?
Why?
Regulations that's why.
Well, it's not too bad
for a first inspection.
At ease.
This is like being in the army.
I wonder what the punishment is
for going over the hill.
( Bursts out laughing )
That's funny.
Well, girls, do you think
this room can stand the glove test?
What's the glove test?
That is the glove test.
Get rid of that dust.
Why don't we keep the dust
and get rid of her?
Uncle Sam had her.
Why didn't he keep her?
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Uh-oh. Something's wrong.
What makes you say that?
Because you have
that "something's wrong"
look in your eye.
Well, it's Emma.
Uh-oh, what's the matter with Emma?
Well, I know she means well, honey,
but she's awfully hard on the kids.
Oh, you mean the exercises?
Well, it's not just the exercises.
It's the room inspections
and that awful "hut-two, hut-two"
all over the place.
She's just one of those persons
that has to have everything organized.
Boy, you're not kidding.
She's organized me right
out of my own kitchen.
Oh, by the way, this is for you.
She wants you to initial it.
Yeah? What's this?
Well, it's a duty roster.
A duty roster?
Yeah. She's given the kids assignments.
There's K.P., laundry detail,
trash detail, bathroom detail.
I'm surprised she didn't say "latrine."
She did.
I had to translate for the kids.
Well, honey, there's nothing wrong
with the kids having
duties assigned to them.
You mean you approve of all this?
Well, a little discipline can't hurt.
Okay. I wonder if you'll
feel the same way
at dinner tonight.
What's going to happen
at dinner tonight?
You'll see.
Troops! In here, troops.
Come on, in here.
Grab a plate and get in line.
Form a line right around here.
No pushing.
Organization is the order of the day.
What are we eating?
Potatoes MacArthur, beef Eisenhower
and succotash pentagon.
After you've finished eating,
I want you to rinse off your plates
and pile them in the sink.
Who's got K.P. On the duty roster?
I guess I do.
Well, then you eat first.
Hut-two, hut-two.
What did she say we were having?
Succotash pentagon?
Hut-two, hut-four,
I don't like this anymore.
I've got the terrible feeling
we've all been drafted.
Dad, Mom, can we talk
to you for a minute?
Sure. What's the trouble?
What isn't the trouble?
Do we have to go in
for all that gung-ho jazz?
Especially the exercises.
Well, son, nothing wrong
with building up your body.
CAROL: And what better way
than exercising every day?
I'm glad to hear you feel
that way, Mr. and Mrs. Brady.
People don't always like
what's good for them.
Yeah, that's what I was pointing out.
Kids need exercise.
Adults, too, Mr. Brady,
if you know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think I know what you mean.
You, too, Mrs. Brady.
You've got a nice little figure there.
You wouldn't want it to go to pot.
No, I I guess I wouldn't.
Good. Then I'll expect you both
to join us tomorrow morning. Roger?
Like you said, there's nothing wrong
with building up your bodies.
What better way than
exercising every day, right?
Tomorrow morning at 0600 hours.
0600 hours?
That's that's
that'S 6:00 in the morning.
EMMA: Hut-two, three, four.
Hut-two, three, four.
Hut-two, three, four.
Make those tummies clear the floor.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Lower those backs
and keep them straight.
Hut-two, three, four.
Hut-two, three, four.
Hut-two, three, four and halt.
( All grunt )
Well, it certainly makes you feel better.
Doesn't it?
I don't know.
Right now, I can't feel anything.
All right, troops,
may I have your attention?
I'd like to make an announcement.
Tomorrow morning,
we will not be doing calisthenics.
( All cheer )
Hold it, hold it.
Instead, I have a special surprise.
Hut-two, hut-two, hut-two, come on in.
Hut-two, hut-two, hut-two,
that's good, hut-two.
Hut-two, hut-two, hut-two, hut-two.
All present and accounted for?
Hut-two, hut-two.
All right, fall out.
Hut-two, hut-two, hut-two
Oh, honey, I'm sorry I got you into this.
Why didn't you just
drop out and go home?
Are you kidding?
And face a court martial?
( Blows whistle )
Chow time!
( Groaning )
As Sergeant Emma would say
are you a-okay?
Oh, no, my "A" is far from okay.
And my "B" and "C" are the same.
You know, if Emma
weren't Alice's cousin,
I'd ship her out for overseas duty.
Yeah. Hear, hear.
( Knock at door )
Come in!
Mom? Dad?
Yeah?
On behalf of all the kids,
we'd like to put a proposition to you.
What kind of proposition?
Well, if we don't have to have Emma
the rest of the week,
we'll do all the housework.
We'll even get up at 0600 hours
and do stuff before we go to school.
And we'll come home right after school
and do work, too.
GREG: What we're trying to say is,
we'd like an honorable discharge
from Emma's Army.
Well, that's funny.
Your father and I were
just talking about that.
And?
Well, um, it's not quite that simple.
Emma is Alice's cousin
and we're on kind of delicate ground.
We wouldn't want
to hurt Alice's feelings, would we?
I guess not.
We didn't think of that.
Mmm, well, I guess
we're all stuck for the duration.
I wish we could give her
a three-day pass or something.
Yeah, that sure would help.
Hey, why not?
Mike, why couldn't we get her
to take a couple of days off?
Or even one!
That's a good idea.
Let's talk to her.
( Groans )
Oh.
Oh, just arranging these
dishes in G.I. order.
Have you ever read
the army manual on
mess hall organization?
No, I'm afraid I haven't.
Well, you should.
It's an eye-opener.
Uh, Emma, we appreciate
your working so hard,
but Mrs. Brady and I
are a little concerned about it.
Yeah, we think you've been working
just a little too hard.
Nothing wrong with hard work.
No, no, but you can overdo it.
Even in the army they gave you
three-day passes, didn't they?
Oh, sure they did, but I never took them.
You never took them.
Mr. And Mrs. Brady, I served
20 years in Uncle Sam's army.
Never goldbricked once
I'm not about to start now.
No, sir. I've got
a week's special duty here.
You're gonna get every minute of it.
Oh, Mr. Brady,
that buckle of yours is tarnishing.
I've got an army glad rag
that'll shine that right up.
We heard.
Sorry, kids.
Emma's not going to budge
until Alice returns
from her vacation.
I don't think I can stand it
till Alice gets back.
There must be something we can do.
I called you guys together
for some good news.
Marcia and I have figured out
some plans for Sergeant Emma.
ALL: Good!
All right, you two get a special mission
that's going to knock Emma for a loop.
And you two are going
to help me and Greg.
Come here.
( Talking quietly )
Think Emma's going to be scared?
Sure. Remember Alice?
She screamed,
and jumped ten feet high.
Emma will leave here as fast as she can.
Where shall we put it?
Hey, how about the waste basket?
Perfect!
Okay, Goliath, we're counting on you.
Sure was nice of Benjie
to lend us his pet mouse.
Yeah.
Ready?
Roger.
Emma's got me saying it.
Okay, go.
BOTH ( screaming ): Emma! Emma!
There's a rat in the kitchen!
It's great big! It's got huge yellow teeth.
They're probably all over the place!
Where's this one?
It's in the waste basket!
Watch out! Those teeth are horrible!
And yellow! Awful!
Ooh, it's going to get us!
Oh, what? This little fellow?
Ooh! He's going to get us!
Why, he wouldn't hurt a fly.
Remember, good soldiers
aren't afraid of anything.
He's cute.
Here, make a pet out of him.
She sure wasn't scared of a mouse.
Maybe Benjie has a skunk.
Skunk! I think we need King Kong.
EMMA: As we hit the dusty trail ♪
Hi, Emma.
Hi, troops.
As those caissons go rolling ♪
You want something?
Well, we were just wondering
why you're working so hard
if you feel so bad.
Who says I feel bad?
You're always telling us to
stand up straight like you do.
And, from the way you're bent over,
you must feel terrible.
I'm just bent over dusting.
Well, what about the dark circles?
What dark circles?
Under your eyes.
Yeah. You look kind of feverish.
Feverish?
Maybe we shouldn't have said anything.
Yeah. Forget it, Emma.
See you around.
Hi, Emma.
Hi.
Emma, are you feeling okay?
Well, sure, I'm feeling okay.
Oh, but your face is so flushed.
I thought you might be sick.
And what's the matter with your eyes?
My eyes? Why?
Well, they look kind of glazed.
Maybe she's getting the pinkeye.
Emma, now you're getting
pale as a ghost.
Pale?
You better sit down.
You look like you might faint.
Why, I never fainted in my whole life.
I think you're supposed
to put your head between your knees.
Emma, you ought to take it easy.
Go away for a couple of days' rest.
Right!
You know what's the matter with me?
It's those calisthenics.
Boy, I bet that's what it is.
Too much exercising, right?
Wrong. I've been too easy on myself.
Getting soft as a civilian.
Effective 0600 hours tomorrow,
double calisthenics.
We are really going
to shape up around here.
Over hill, over dale,
as we hit the dusty trail ♪
As those caissons go rolling along ♪
Oh, honey, honey
Mmm?
You know what time it is?
Time for Emma's exercises.
Yeah.
( Sighs )
Oh! Do you realize what today is?
Yeah. How could I forget?
Alice is coming home.
The prisoners of war are
about to be liberated.
Oh, boy.
She sure will be a sight for sore eyes
and a sore back
and sore arms and sore legs.
Oh, well, the kids can hardly wait.
Honey, why don't we give Alice
a coming-home party?
Hey, yeah, why not?
Yeah, why don't we?
I'll order a cake from the bakery
and I'll have Greg pick it up
on his way home from school.
Yeah. I'm for that.
Well, we better get a move on.
You know how Emma is
about our 0600 calisthenics.
Roger. I don't want
to get thrown in the stockade.
Hi, Mom.
Hi.
Here's the cake.
Oh, that looks delicious.
Deliciously fattening.
Yeah.
Here, let me help you.
It looks great.
Careful now.
Hey! Mind if I look, too?
Oh, well, it's just a cake, Emma.
Oh, that's a party cake
if I ever saw one.
Well, um, let me explain,
Emma. You see, it's just
Oh, you don't have
to explain, Mrs. Brady.
I understand.
You do?
Of course I do.
Today's my last day here
and you want to give me
a going-away party.
Right?
Right.
Well, troops, I never really
expected anything like this.
I want you to know
that this is the nicest thing
that's happened to me since
Well, since I got
the General Haggarty award
for my campaign,
"Make Your Barracks Beautiful."
Oh, Emma, it's really nothing.
Yes, it is something, folks.
The army's a lonely life.
You make a friend,
you get transferred away.
Big evening for me used to be going
to the P.X. for shoe polish.
I've loved every single minute
I've been here.
And you've all shaped up just great.
If it was in my power,
I'd give you all good conduct
medals with an oak leaf cluster.
Hi, everybody!
I'm back!
ALL: Alice!
Hiya!
Oh, my.
Oh, my!
What a reception!
I'll go out and come in again!
Ah, well!
Having a little celebration here?
Cousin Alice, my wonderful
platoon has made
a farewell party for old Sarge.
Oh, well, isn't that nice?
See? I told you
the Bradys were something
pretty special.
And I guess you all have discovered
that Cousin Emma's
something special, too.
Oh, she's something special all right.
You better believe it.
Well, that's great
because now I won't have to feel funny
about going away again.
We can just ask Cousin
Emma to come back.
( Whistle blowing )
( Whistle blowing )
( Whistle blowing )
( Whistle blowing )
Not again.
( Whistle tooting )
( More tooting )
( Whistle toots )
Alice, it's 6:00 in the morning.
Yeah, I know.
What are you doing with that whistle?
Emma left it for me.
She said the whole family
just loved getting up at 6:00
and exercising.
Yeah, and she left me,
as a matter of fact,
all these instructions
and a whole lot of other things.
First, calisthenics
at 0600, then mess call,
to be followed immediately
by the white glove test,
for the inspection of the quarters
If, and then only if,
everyone passes that test,
there'll be a rest
Hey, where did everybody go?
Eh?
Hey!