All In The Family s03e22 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days [SIGHS.]
What's the matter, Mike? I don't know.
Something's missing.
Not enough salt? Not enough Archie.
It's too quiet around here.
Michael, don't tell me you like arguing with Daddy.
I didn't say I like it.
It's just that I'm used to it.
My body is used to it.
When Archie's here, I eat better.
Well, don't worry, Mike.
He's only working overtime tonight.
Tomorrow he'll be home at his regular time, and I'm sure he'll get in a nice argument with you.
Ma, this pot roast was delicious.
Thank you.
Oh, I'll never forget the first time I made pot roast for your father.
Only he wasn't your father then.
We was just keeping company.
I invited him to my house for dinner, and I made him pot roast, and that was the first time he ever called me "dingbat.
" Well, that's awful, even if he didn't like your cooking.
Oh, no, he loved it.
Well, why'd he call you "dingbat"? Well, in them days, Archie was too shy to call me "sweetheart" or "darling," so instead he called me his "little dingbat.
" And you know what? Ever since then, no matter how mad he says "dingbat," I always hear a little "sweetheart" in it.
That's lovely, Ma.
Hey, Ma, where'd Archie get that word from in the first place? He inherited it from his father.
What do you know? "Dingbat," the Bunker heirloom.
Get away from me, all of youse.
Hi, Daddy.
EDITH: Hello, Archie.
I don't have time for that.
I'll get your dinner.
I ain't got no time for that neither, Edith.
It's all ready.
I ain't got no time, Edith.
I just got time to get myself a cheese sandwich and a can of beer, that's all.
But it won't take long.
Edith, I'm telling you, I'm in a hurry.
I ain't even got time to go up to the toilet.
Oh.
Well, if you got to go, you better pay your little visit now.
I can wait, Edith, if only you don't talk about it.
But, Archie, you know how you are.
You'll get halfway to the subway, and you'll have to come running back.
That's how you missed Mrs.
Defendorpher's funeral.
Remember? I'm telling you, this rushing around is killing me.
Oh, why don't you skip tonight? I can't do that, Edith.
I'm way behind already.
Jeez, oh, look at this here! Every hunk of cheese in a piece of cellophane.
They'll be doing this next with sardines! I'll do it.
This job could mean an awful lot to us, this new job.
Yeah, I know, Archie, but even if you don't get it-- Don't say that, will you? Look at me, work hard all my life, and what have I got to show for it? This job could mean a thousand bucks a year extra for the two of us.
Oh, Archie, money ain't that important.
Oh Not to Rockefeller it ain't, because he's got it.
What about me here? Oh, no, Edith, a little extra dough, I can get you all them extra things that you like, you know? But, Archie, I don't need nothing.
You're gonna get them whether you need them or not! And besides it's hard work I do out there on that loading platform out in the cold all the time.
Dispatcher's job, now, there's something else.
All the dispatcher does is push a pencil across a desk all day long.
Another thing, how do I know the boss ain't going to go out there on that loading dock and replace me with a younger guy someday? Oh, Archie, that ain't gonna happen to you.
Oh, people always say that.
"That ain't gonna happen to you.
" Then the first thing, you turn around-- You know what I just tasted going down? No.
Cellophane off the cheese.
Thanks a million! I think what you're doing is wonderful, and I want you to know I'm proud of you, and Mike and Gloria will be proud of you too.
Did you tell them about this? Oh, no, no.
You did! You told them the secret, right? No, no, Archie, they don't know.
If you don't believe me, ask them.
I will.
You dingbat, you almost had me do it.
What's the big rush, Daddy? The big rush, little girl, is that I'm going bowling.
That's the rush.
Archie, don't you think you'd better pay your little visit upstairs? No, I don't want to pay the little visit upstairs.
Ma, what's going on with Daddy? Nothing.
I think it's something.
Well, he don't want to be late.
It's an important bowling tournament.
Another tournament? That's where Daddy said he was going last week.
Oh.
Well, last week, they was rained out.
Bowling, rained out? Ma, are you keeping something from us? No.
GLORIA: Come on, Ma.
Doesn't it bother you that Daddy's going out all these nights? Mm, no.
It's a nice change.
Ma Well, it's like Bette Davis used to say, "Who wants a man hanging around the house all the time, anyway? Not me.
Ha-ha, ha-ha.
" I'm going in there.
Wait a second, Gloria, wait a second.
Isn't it obvious your mother doesn't want to talk about it? She'll tell us when she's good and ready.
I can't wait till then.
Gloria! GLORIA: Come on, Michael! Ma Hi, uh, we just came in to say that we're late for the movies.
We gotta go.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
So long.
Michael, I want to find out what's going on around here.
Gloria, if your mother doesn't want to tell us, that is her privilege.
Privacy is guaranteed us by the Bill of Rights when Archie's not home.
Now, please, don't be so nosy.
Let's go.
All right, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hey, Michael, look what Daddy left under my hat, his bowling ball.
Ma! Yeah? What is it? Oh.
How could Daddy go bowling without this? Maybe he's the referee.
Ma! There's no referee in bowling.
Oh, Gloria, I'm sorry, but I promised Archie I wouldn't tell you.
But, Ma, that was before we found the bowling ball, so if you tell us something that we already know, that's not breaking a promise.
Oh, yeah.
All right, I'll tell you.
Archie didn't go bowling tonight.
We already know that, Ma.
Come on.
Gloria, you must never tell Archie I told you.
Well, you see, there's this dispatcher's job down at the plant that he wants to get.
What's that got to do with his going out nights? Oh, Archie never wanted you two to know this.
You see, he had to leave school to get a job and help his family, so he never graduated.
Oh, I see.
You see what? Archie's going back to high school.
Oh, my, I'm glad I didn't have to tell you.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Who's that, Ma? Sounds like Archie.
He left five minutes ago.
He never made it to the subway.
Archie All right, Edith, Get out of my way! I'm in a hurry.
And you, Meathead, put my bowling ball back in the clo-- What are you doing with my bowling ball? Uh Gloria gave it to me.
You told them.
EDITH: No, Archie, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
You told them the secret about me going to high school.
I can tell by the bowling ball.
Daddy, Ma didn't want to say anything, but I pried it out of her.
She shouldn't have told youse.
Besides, I think what you're doing is wonderful.
Yeah, Arch, we're all proud of you.
Aw Hey, just so you didn't graduate high school, that's nothing to be ashamed of.
As a matter of fact, that was a great thing that you did.
There are not many guys who would quit school to help support their families.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Must've been doing it unconsciously.
BOTH: That's the way you do everything.
That's right.
Don't make no more noise.
[WHISTLING "BILL BAILEY, WON'T YOU PLEASE COME HOME?".]
Hey, Ted Weems, there.
[WHISTLES END OF SONG QUICKLY.]
Listen, if I flunk my history exam, it's going to be your fault.
Can't you study someplace else? Arch, this is the only place in the house where there's enough room for all my stuff.
All right, then study.
Keep quiet.
Don't bother me, huh? I-- I'm sorry.
Hmm.
"Manifest Destiny.
" What? Nothing.
I'm talking to myself, here.
Oh.
I said, uh, Manifest Destiny.
Would you like to know what it means? Hey, Edith.
That'll be the day, I have to ask you.
Yeah? Oh, my two students.
Remember the other day, you and me was discussing Manifest Destiny? Manifest Destiny? Yeah, Manifest Destiny.
I had the meaning in my head, but it flew out, and now I can't find it no place in the book.
What did I say that it meant? Well, maybe Mike knows.
Mike, do you know what Manifest Destiny means? Yeah.
Well, what does it mean? Are you asking me a question? Your mother-in-law asked you a question.
You going to answer her or not? Sure, Ma.
Manifest Destiny was the doctrine that asserted the inevitability of United States' domination of the North American continent.
You know she can't understand language like that.
Can't you explain it to her in easy words? It means that we had the right to take over other people's territory, supposedly for their own good.
There you are, Edith.
It's what I said.
Now, do me a favor.
Get that history quiz book over there and come back and start asking me them test questions we didn't finish.
Yeah, sure, Archie.
Hurry up.
Arch, uh, when you were talking with Ma the other day about Manifest Destiny, uh, did you mention the fact that it was just another name for American imperialism? Huh? That's right.
It was just an excuse to rip off other people's land.
That's the way we stole Texas from Mexico.
Listen, subversive the U.
S.
of A.
never stole nothing from nobody.
The Mexicans was only too glad to give us Texas after we beat the hell out of them in a war.
Here it is.
Well, come on, ask me some questions.
I got no time here.
Arch, uh, do you mind if I listen to your answers? I love science fiction.
Listen, you.
Just get away from my study table, huh? Arch, I-- I have to finish this project by tomorrow.
I gotta take a test later on tonight.
Now, will you take yourself out of here? All right.
Edith, sit down and start.
Yeah, I'll sit over here, so you can't peek at the answers.
Come on, will you? Ask.
First question: When were the Articles of Peace signed? Uh, answer: The Articles of Peace were signed in, uh Gee, dates are so hard.
Why do they ask dates? I don't know.
When? Artic Articles of Peace, 1783.
All right, 17 Now, hold it, hold it.
Wait'll I get that.
Articles Peace 1783.
All right, go ahead.
Next question.
What was Columbus looking for in his expedition? Uh, in his expedition, Colum uh, Columbus was looking for a f-- A faster route to the Indies.
That's good, Archie.
Now, answer true or false.
President McKinley started the Spanish-American War despite the fact that Spain had already agreed to all our demands.
That's false.
Oh I'm sorry, Archie.
It's true.
It ain't true.
No American president never started a war over that.
That's what the book says.
Awlook at that! You see what I got to do to pass this test? I got to lie.
All right, I'll put it down, though.
McKinley All right, true.
Get it over with.
Next question.
Who said the treatment of the American Indian was a national disgrace? Treatment of the American Indian national disgrace, uh Well, uh, Geronimo? No.
Come on, it had to be some Indian that said that.
Who? President Kennedy.
Aw, that's a lie! Kennedy never said that, or maybe he said it, but he didn't mean it.
He-- He maybe said it when he was running for office.
He was trying to get the Indian vote, which he never got anyhow.
How do you know? Because, Meathead, the Indians don't vote.
Archie, the Indians were given the vote in 1924.
I ain't talking about that.
I'm saying that they don't use their vote, like a fellow told me.
They sell all their horses for booze, and then they can't ride into town.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! That ain't stupid! That's the truth! That's what the Indians do to us after all we done for them.
All we've done for them? Arch! Let me tell you something about this country and the American Indians and all we've done for them! We lied to them, we cheated them, and then we drove them off their land without paying for it! Hold it! Then what-- What are you talking about, their land? They never had no land! They couldn't read or write.
How could Sitting Bull sign a lease? All the Indians ever did was ride around scalping wagon trains.
Archie, what would you do if somebody cheated you out of your land? Well, I wouldn't scalp the guy.
I'd hire myself a lawyer.
I don't believe it! What? Where are you going? How do you deal with this lunacy? Help me! What are you yelling about? I ain't talking about the Polacks.
I'm talking about the Indians.
[SCREAMING.]
I think Gloria better quit her job and stay home and take care of that guy.
Come on, Edith, I got a lot of history to learn, so let's get on with it.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I got something for you.
What? I can't tell you.
It's a surprise.
Oh, hurry up, Edith, huh? [GROANING.]
Hiya, Daddy.
Oh, hi, there, little girl.
Aw, jeez, look at this one.
In that year, the Eye-talian, Marconi, invented radio.
Imagine them telling me a lie like that and the RCA building staring me in the face every day.
You working hard? I certainly am, little girl.
There.
What are you doing with those little pieces of paper? I'm writing down the answers to my history questions.
Oh, gee, Daddy, it looks like crib notes.
Bingo.
Are you going to use those crib notes on your exam? Certainly, I'm going to use them.
I'm going to have them right here in this pocket in case I need them.
Daddy, that's cheating! What do you mean, cheating? That ain't chea-- Cheating is when you are supposed to give something to somebody else and you don't give it.
That's cheating.
Now, me, I'm taking a test.
I'm supposed to give them the right answers.
That's what I'm going to give them.
I ain't cheating them.
But, Daddy, you're cheating yourself! No, no, I get a diploma out of it.
You're not being honest with yourself.
I certainly am, little girl.
I sat down and I asked myself a question.
I said, "Can you pass this history exam without them little pieces of paper?" And I gave myself an honest answer.
"No, you couldn't.
" What's wrong with you? You been talking to your father? Michael, do you know what Daddy's doing? He is preparing crib notes to cheat on his exam.
Well, that doesn't surprise me.
Ah, lay off me, the two of youse.
You don't understand the whole thing.
I'm up for a better job.
I ain't going to get that better job without I get my diploma.
I'm doing this for the good of the whole family.
Oh, so what you're saying is that the end justifies the means, huh? I ain't saying that, because I don't know what it is.
Archie, you're saying that it's all right for you to do something bad in order to get something that you think is good.
Well? You know, you'd make a great witness.
ARCHIE: For what? The Watergate trial.
That's the same excuse they gave.
The Watergate trial, the Watergate trial! All youse liberals are plunking on that note all the time.
You lost the election.
Why don't you shut up? Edith, bring me out the rest of my history notes.
You mean crib notes.
Clam up, you.
Here they are! Surprise! What did you do here? I pasted them-- You pasted them on there, yeah! But how am I going to use them? I can't get them off now.
Now you can study them on the subway.
Who told you to do that? Nobody.
I thought of it all by myself.
From now on, Edith, when a thought starts coming at you, duck, huh? Ma! Daddy's coming.
Michael, you better get up.
Ma, you got the letter? Yeah, right here.
I don't know if I want to be in the room when he opens the letter.
I mean, what if he failed? Well, that's the point, Michael.
If he did fail, we have to try and cheer him up.
Gloria, I don't think my being here is going to cheer him up.
I think you should both go upstairs and wait, and I'll let you know as soon as he opens it.
Good idea, good idea.
Hurry, Michael, he's coming.
What's the matter with you? Archie, this came for you today.
It's from the school.
It may be about your test.
Don't shove it at me, Edith.
Don't you want to open it? Let me take off my hat and coat first, huh? Can you do that? From the school, huh? Yeah.
Give it to me.
I guess it's the test result, all right.
Yeah.
I can't open it.
You open it for me, Edith.
Well, give me the envelope.
Yeah, here's the envelope.
Oh, my it's just like the Academy Awards.
Well, read it, will you? Who's the winner, me or the school? Archie, you are! You passed! Yeah? Let me see the paper.
Oh, Mike, Gloria, he passed! Hey, hey, I did? I did? We got a dispatcher in the family! Hey, all right! Congratulations! Way to go! [PHONE RINGS.]
That's great! I'll get it! I passed it there! See, Daddy, you did it all on your own.
You didn't even need to cheat.
That's right.
I gambled a little, though, tossing a nickel on the true-and-falsies.
Hey, Arch, it's Stretch Cunningham.
Oh, good old Stretch.
Give me the phone.
Wait'll he hears the news.
Hiya, Stretch, Archie here.
Hold it, there, hold it.
Before you talk any more, you got to show a little respect when you're talking to a high school graduate, class of '73.
Yeah, I got it.
You what? Well, when did that happen? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, goodbye, Stretch.
Uh, by the way, uh, thanks for nothing.
What's the matter, Daddy? Well, the matter is, uh, looks like I've been studying the wrong subject.
Instead of studying American History, I guess I should've been studying the theory of relativity.
What are you talking about? Relativity, Meathead.
The boss' nephew got the dispatcher's job.
Oh, Daddy.
That's too bad, Arch.
How could they do that to him? Ah, well, that's the way things are.
Jeez And here I am, stuck with a high school diploma.
Archie, here it is! Here's your diploma, all framed.
Oh, look at that.
Ain't it beautiful? Yeah.
Archie, where shall we hang it? I think you ought to hang it someplace where it'll stand out.
How about Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum? [.]
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.