Hannah Montana s03e22 Episode Script

Yeah, right.
Glasses on, he's Clark Kent.
Glasses off, he's Superman.
Like nobody would figure that out! I know, it is so obvious! How's my moustache? Perfect Man, Mamaw should've been here by now, what time does her plane get in? Don't ask me, I offered to pick her up but the woman wouldn't even give me her flight number.
You know, sometimes she can be as tight-lipped as a frog eating a peanut butter fly! Frog eating a peanut butter fly, get it? Is that a new one, dad? Yeah, I just made it up last night, you like it? Well, as long as it doesn't end up in one of my songs, I think it's brilliant.
Darlin', I know you'd love to be here to give your grandma a hug, but I've got to get you to that photo shoot.
Yeah, you're right, but what's taking her so long? Sweet Pete, the woman drove here all the way from Tennessee? How do you know it's her? Get out of the driveway, you stupid cat! Just a hunch I hope she didn't squish Fluffy! Mamaw! Oh! Don't squeeze too hard, I've been sucking down iced tea since Albuquerque.
You drove this rust bucket all the way across the country? If you're in such a hurry to risk your life, why don't you just walk into bear country wearing fish pants? Funny, I don't remember sitting on your egg for three weeks but apparently I hatched a chicken.
Burn! Up top.
I just care about you, that's all.
Oh, dad, don't worry.
Mamaw wouldn't drive anything that isn't safe.
And besides, this car's a classic, they don't make 'em like this anymore.
Probably because it's against the law! Oh, hush! I'll have you know that Loretta here drove your grandpa and me to Hoover Dam on our honeymoon took your grandpa to work for forty years and me to the hospital the day your daddy was born.
Well, almost he was in such a big hurry he popped out right there on that front seat.
Speaking of being in a hurry, I've got to get this girl to a photo shoot.
Not to worry, I will just drive you.
No! Aargh 'member you've got eight hundred miles of iced tea to take care of.
Not to mention that over-ripe bag of cherries that I bought in Barstow You know what, I'm just going to move this out of the way so I'm not blockin' the garage Well, hold on Mamaw, let's get your bags.
Maybe I should stop using Uncle Earl's homemade gas Ya' think? You get the limo out front.
Hottest styles,every shoe,every color.
Yea when your famous it can be kinda fun.
It's really you but no one ever discovers.
Who would've thought that a girl like me Would double as a superstar? You get the best of both worlds.
Chill it out,take it slow, then you rock out the show.
You get the best of both worlds.
Mix it all together and you know that It's the best of both worlds.
Hannah Montana S03E22 B-B-Bad to the Chrome I promise, Hannah'll be there tomorrow.
Well, thanks to that old clunker of yours I just had to cancel a very important photo shoot for Miley.
Well what would you like me to do? Spank Loretta on the trunk and send her to the garage without supper? I was thinking more like, shoot it, stuff it and hang it over the fireplace.
I heard that! I meant, shoot! it's great to have you here hanging out and stuff.
Fireplace? Let's face it, mom.
The steering's loose, the breaks are mushy and I've seen better transmissions on tricycles! Oh, yeah? Well at least my car keeps her spare tire in her trunk instead of hanging out over her belt, porky! I am not porky! And don't you go changing the subject.
Well, I'm sorry, I'm tired of hearing you raggin' on your birthplace.
Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go upstairs and unpack.
Wow, I think finally got it all of.
Guess I just didn't get it all out Oh, Miley sweetie, I'm so sorry you were on the wrong end of one of Loretta's car toots.
That's OK, Mamaw Soot happens.
Well, I'm glad to see that not everybody in this family blames a poor, innocent car on all of their troubles.
Yeah, of course not, I love that car! I hate that car.
She can not keep driving that thing, it's not safe.
Honey, I've been trying to get her to sell it for 20 years.
Every time I break it up all she does is tell me I'm fat.
Not one single word about how great my hair looks! Well, I think it's time to stop trying and start buying.
I'm telling you, 'Miles, she loves that car.
Yeah, and she also thought Jackson was the most beautiful baby in the world 'til I came along.
Excuse me? Come on, let's face it son, you were the first grandchild, she was ready to love about anything.
Come on, let's face it dad - you're fat.
- Hey! Come on guys, we're getting off subject here.
She'll forget all about Loretta as soon as she sees that bright, shiny new car.
New car? What's wrong with certified pre-owned, I mean it comes with all the warranties, and it's less expensive Dad! Fine Trust me, the look on her face will be priceless.
Not quite the look I was going for Where is Loretta? Well, mom, we traded her in.
For this brand new car! Yeah, that's right, this brand new beauty comes with hand-tooled leather interior.
Oohhh!! Nation-wide navigation with real time traffic.
Aarghhh But wait, there's more! Oh no there ain't.
How could you? It was her idea.
Hey, big guy.
What can I get you? I can't decide between the hot dog and the nachos.
Well, how about I put the hot dog in the nachos, throw a little jalapeno over that action, and boom! That's not-cho ordinary dog, dawg - Awesome! - I know! I 'gotta admit, the whole Mr.
Happy thing of yours is so inspiring, makes me wish I had a magical horse.
Magical horse, why? So it could kick your teeth in! oh yeah like a "magical" horse would do that.
Mine would.
and then it would poop gold coins! Anyway, since you've been working here, my profits have been up two-hundred percent.
Wait does that mean that I'm getting a raise? How can I say this so you'll understand you'll never get a raise! Never, never, EVER! It's OK.
I make a fortune in tips anyway.
Not anymore! Oh, wait, is your mom still a cop? Oh, yes Let me just get rid of these pesky fingerprints Hey, Olli-pop! Hey, Lily-pop! Happy one-hundred day-anniversary! Aargh, yeah right back at you.
You forgot, didn't you? What? No! Of course not, in fact I put a lot of thought into your gift.
Go buy yourself something nice How could you forget our special day? Really Olli-pop, how could you? I feel your pain, girlfriend! OK, listen, I'm sorry.
Happy hundred-day anniversary! Oh, just forget it! I did forget it, you got mad at me No, no, no! Don't you cutesy face me.
OK OK?! That's how you make me feel better? Well, the cutesy face didn't work, what do you want me to do? Go to the card store and look in the hundred day-anniversary section and oh, wait a second, they don't have one of those, why, because it's stupid! I'll tell you what's stupid! A hundred and one days with you! See, this is exactly why I don't have a girlfriend.
Who asked you? Wow.
I haven't seen her this upset since that Super Bowl Sunday that grandpa used her bra as a chip and dip server.
Somebody should go talk to her.
Somebody with wisdom and sensitivity.
Whew.
That leaves me out.
The boy's right, Mile.
Good luck.
Me? She's your mother! That woman'd skin my hide.
She wouldn't hit a girl.
Fine.
Not in the mood, Miley.
How'd you know it was me? Because the other two don't have the guts.
Tell me about it.
Who do you think kills all the spiders around here? Mamaw, we really are sorry.
We thought you'd love a new car.
Well, you thought wrong.
But, Loretta's just so old and run down.
Maybe to you.
But to me, that ol' girl is like part of the family.
When I get into that car, I can still smell your Grandpa's hair tonic.
I can still hear your daddy shouting "don't leave me" as I shove him out the door on his first day of kindergarten.
That car is like half of my life.
I'm sorry, Mamaw.
I just never thought of it that way.
Well, there's the problem.
None of you thought.
So, if you will excuse me, I'm gonna go take a little walk by the ocean.
Unless you Californians thought it was too old and replaced it with that fancy mineral water that tastes like you washed an orange in it.
Yeah, I understand.
Thank you very much.
So, are they gonna take the car back, Or, will me, somebody, me, have to keep it, me? Sorry you, they said they'd take it back, you, so somebody's out of luck, you.
So, great! We just gotta go down and get Loretta back.
I'd love to, but the problem is they've already sold Loretta to the junk yard.
So, we go buy her back.
I mean I wouldn't call that a problem.
Here's your car.
Now this, I call a problem.
We don't know for sure that this is Loretta.
There's only one way to find out.
Yup, Grandpa's hair tonic.
And one of Mamaw's half-eaten butterscotch candies.
This is why we usually leave him at home.
Uh-huh.
Say now, did you want this delivered or did you wanna drive it outta here? Sorry, just a little junk yard humor.
Seriously, delivery is a hundred bucks.
Kids, there's only one thing left to do You and I are going camping.
Miley, you call us when she leaves.
Thank you, chicken and chicken by-products.
You know, there's gotta be an intelligent and logical solution.
Ooh, I got it.
How about we pour some water on it until it pops up.
You know, like one of those cute little spongy dinosaur thingies? Glug, glug, glug Boosh! Let me get this straight You generally leave him at home, but you bring her? Welcome to my world.
Just face it, Miles, it's over.
All right? It's not like the time you went to Washington and I forgot to feed your goldfish so I replaced it with a look-alike and you never knew.
You flushed Scaley Joel Osment? Hey, hey Now, if you folks are lookin' to replace this car, I've got one in the back, looks just like her.
Hey, Dad, that does look like Loretta.
I don't know.
Something about it don't feel right.
Well, there he is, Robby Stewart, the porky son who broke his mamma's heart! We'll take it.
Where's the money? There's no money in here! It's been a slow day.
What're you talking about? The beach is packed.
What could possibly be keeping the people away? Excuse me, mister.
What do you want? - A hot dog? - Why? I love hot dogs.
Well, it doesn't matter what you love, because sooner or later your precious little hot dog's gonna turn on you because you forgot its stupid 100 Day-a'versary! - OK, I'll have nachos.
- They hate you, too.
Live with it.
What a freak.
What are you doing? I heard change in his pocket.
Change that should've been mine.
Snap out of it! I want Mr.
Happy back.
You know what? Mr.
Happy doesn't live in here anymore.
I quit.
You can't quit.
You need to get back here and get happy.
Rico, what's the point? What's the point? Money.
What other point is there? OK, fine.
Go! I don't need you.
I can be Mr.
Happy.
Again, who asked you? This is in way better shape than Loretta.
Yeah, what kind of junk dealer are you? Hey, I'm sorry, this is the worst I can do.
Hollywood The longer I'm here, the weirder it gets.
You know what, kids? It's all right.
A few dents, some scrapes, scratches, we'll be able to give the old rattle trap back to the old rattle trap.
She called me fat.
But what about Mamaw's seat covers and fluffy steering wheel thingy and all the other stuff? Oh, I took that all out before I crushed her.
I've got it right here.
You are a life saver.
I just like to make people happy.
That'll be fifty bucks.
Fifty bucks? Who's that making happy? Me.
Come on man, we need this stuff.
Sorry, I did not know that.
Let's call it a hundred.
Way to haggle, Porky.
Ah! There.
Now it looks just like the time I snuck out after curfew and fell all the way from the second floor window.
Landed right on the ol' keister.
Ever since then, this cheek's been just a little flatter than the other one.
Wait, so you, uh you snuck out after curfew? Did I say snuck out? I meant I was painting the side of the house.
Well, I heard a little rumor that Miley might be painting the side of the house Saturday night.
I'm just sayin'.
Now, to take care of the time Mamaw got a little too close to the town police car.
Nice! OK, I think I got everything that we need.
I've got: Grandpa's hair tonic.
And, ketchup for in-between the seats.
Now, mix it all together.
There we go.
And just a little orange soda for sticky-ing up the dash.
You know, this is comin' together a whole lot better than I thought it would.
There's something missing You're right.
It's the subtle hint of cat pee in the back seat.
I'm way ahead of ya, Daddy.
Say hello to Burt.
And just FYI, that's his second bowl of milk, so he should be ready to spring a leak any minute.
Yeah, that's brilliant, but he's not doing anything.
Well, maybe he just needs a little encouragement.
Go, Burt, go! Go, Burt, go! Go, Burt, go! Go, Burt, go! Go Burt! You know how I'm always complaining the three of us don't do enough stuff together? I'm done with that.
Rico, Rico, have you seen Oliver? Or should I say the most wonderful, beautiful, sensitive guy in the whole world? Whoa, what happened? I thought you never wanted to see him again.
Oh, that was before he wrote me this.
"Lilly, my soul, my life, my love my angel sent from heaven above without you near my heart is broken best regards, Oliver Oken.
" - Who knew he was so deep? - I know.
There he is! Run to him, child, run! Oh, Oliver, I'm so sorry! - You are? - Yes, and I forgive you.
- You do? - Yes, and I love your poem.
My poem? Yes, the beautiful poem you wrote her, expressing your love.
You? - I am so happy.
- Well, then I'm happy, too! Yeah, we are all happy! Happy, happy, happy.
Now get back to work.
OK.
I'll miss you, Ollie-pop! I'll miss you, too, Lilly-pop! Another reason I don't have a girlfriend.
Oh, get a life, people! - Mamaw! Come here! - Come on, Mamaw! What in tarnation is all the noise? Loretta! You're back! Oh, I missed you.
Sorry we tried to separate you two.
Oh, you were just doing what you thought was right even though you were wronger than tofu bacon.
I mean, really, what is the point of that stuff? She looks great, doesn't she? I mean, look at that scrape.
If that doesn't say "Loretta," I don't know what does.
Jackson.
All I'm saying is, you can't duplicate a scratch like that.
It'd take a genius.
Yep, and we don't got any of those here, so how about we go inside and have a good laugh about it, huh? I'll start Walk.
You go on ahead, son.
I just want to have a moment with my girl here.
Take all the time you need.
- Check out the dent! Ow - Let's go.
You know, don't you? Of course I do.
I really am sorry, Mamaw.
We tried to get her back.
It was just we were too late.
It's OK.
Get on in here.
Are you sure you're not mad? How can I be mad at a family that loves me so much they'd go to all this trouble to help me hold onto something I should've gotten rid of when I tossed my spandex disco pants.
- I wish I could've seen those.
- Yeah, you do.
I was foxy.
But what about all your memories? I still have those.
And now thanks to you all, I have another one.
Oh, sweetie.
You're not crying, are you? No.
It's just that cat did a good job.
Thanks for changing your mind about the car, Ma.
I'm gonna feel a whole lot better knowing you're traveling in this.
And we really are sorry about Loretta.
Oh, I know you are.
And don't you fret none.
I will always have her in my heart.
-We'll miss you, Mamaw.
-I'll miss you, too, babies.
Well, I guess I'd better hit the road.
Hey, you don't have to worry about directions.
I already programmed the GPS.
You won't need a map the whole way there.
- Oh! Bye! - Drive safe, Mamaw.
In 50 feet, turn right.
- Well, thank you, darlin'.
- In 45 feet, turn right.
- OK, I got it.
- In 40 feet, turn right.
You gonna do this all the way back to Tennessee? - In 35 feet, turn right.
- Oh, shut up! You programmed it so she couldn't turn it off, didn't you? Teach her to call me fat.