Gilligan's Island (1964) s03e23 Episode Script

1
Maybe I'd better
start finding our way back, huh?
Don't worry, skipper.
I know exactly where we are.
You do? Where are we?
We're lost.
Oh, gilligan.
Well, judging from the sky,
if we head directly east,
we'll eventually hit the beach.
Yeah, well, go on.
Unh.
Will you leave that vine alone, gilligan?
Move!
Aah! Unh!
What's wrong with you?
Y-You lead the way.
It must be some kind
of a native totem pole.
Did you ever see a meaner-looking face?
Look at that horrible one.
Yeah, that's a horrible face and
That face is mine!
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship's aground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Ah! It's a totem pole, alright.
Carved by the kupa Kai.
Kupa who? Kai.
Can't you understand English? Kupa Kai.
If that's English, I went
to the wrong school.
What is a kupa Kai?
They're a native tribe.
Look at the head on top.
It looks exactly like gilligan.
It's a little more ferocious, perhaps,
but it is an amazing likeness.
I didn't even pose for it.
That's good carving.
They must be handy with a knife.
They're handy with a knife, alright.
They're the most ferocious tribe
of headhunters in the south pacific.
The people that carved that head
they're headhunters?
That's right.
They're advertising for me?
Skipper: It looks exactly like gilligan.
Oh, that's just a coincidence, that's all.
May be a dead ringer for
one of their kings.
Don't say dead. Not while I'm alive.
Relax, gilligan.
They must have carved that
totem pole many years ago.
You really have it made
if they ever come back,
'cause you look enough
like one of those kupa kais
to be one yourself.
Hey, skipper.
How come nobody ever told
me before I look like a kupa Kai?
Because anybody that knows
what a kupa Kai looks like
isn't alive to talk about it.
I sure do look like one.
Professor said that
was just a coincidence.
Yeah, I know.
If 2 people have a face like mine,
it's not a coincidence.
That's very true, gilligan.
It would be a catastrophe.
What if that old king was my
grandfather or something?
That's the most ridiculous
thing I ever heard.
Yeah, but if that old king
on the pole is my ancestor,
that means I have
headhunters' blood in me
will you knock it off?
There is such a thing as herdity.
That's heredity.
You look like him because of heredity.
Even you think it was my ancestor.
Will you go to sleep?
You wake up and don't have your head,
don't say I didn't warn you.
So we've got a real problem.
Gilligan thinks he comes
from a long line of headhunters?
Oh, that's ridiculous!
He's the sweetest, I've known.
That may be so, Mary Ann,
he got up early to go
and stare at his ancestors.
Oh, pooh! If gilligan was a headhunter,
why would he settle
with the head he has?
Mrs. Howell, believe me,
he's really convinced he's a kupa Kai.
Oh, double pooh! Nonsense!
Lovey, don't pooh-pooh heredity
or even give it a double pooh.
After all, didn't I inherit
my financial genius from dear old dad?
That's true. All the money thurston has
he inherited from his father.
Gilligan is not a headhunter,
and we know it.
Fine, Mary Ann, but how are we
gonna convince him of that?
Oh, shh, shh! Here he comes.
Ginger: Hi, gilligan.
Would you like some breakfast?
How about some scrambled eggs?
You'd like to go fishing
this afternoon, little buddy?
Would you like to stay with Mr. Howell?
You can count $1,000 bills.
And keep the ones that are upside down.
How we gonna get gilligan's
attention away
from that totem pole?
I assure you, there's nothing like
a relaxing drive in the country
to make gilligan forget
that he's a descendant of headhunters.
Shh! Quiet.
Any time you're ready, my boy.
Any particular place, Mr. Howell?
No, just a drive in the
fresh air, you know.
[Chuckles] Anything you say.
What's the matter, gilligan?
My legs are tired.
That's alright, my boy, conserve fuel.
We can only get 30 miles to a leg.
30 miles to a leg! I made a witty one.
[Mrs. Howell laughing]
That'll make the boy forget his troubles.
Oh, darling, we mustn't say anything
that'll remind him
of those dreadful headhunters.
I pride myself on my tact.
Gilligan? I have great plans for you
after we're rescued.
Really, Mr. Howell?
Yes, with my financial genius behind you,
you're bound to get ahead.
A head?!
Be careful what you say!
I did make a faux pas.
Mr. Howell didn't mean what he said.
He was talking off the top of his head.
Head?!
Lovey! I'm so sorry, gilligan!
I apologize from the tip of my toes
to the top of my head?!
Gilligan, perhaps you'd better drive.
Yeah!
Ohh! Ohh!
Oh, dear! I do hope we're insured.
You'll have to be more careful.
Look what you've done.
Lovey, are you al
gilligan! He's over
a perfect set they match!
Hi, gilligan. Would you like to take
a nice, long walk with me in the jungle?
[Flatly] No, thanks.
How about a cool, refreshing swim?
I'll wear my polka dot bikini.
I wonder if they shrink a lot.
Then, there'd be only one dot left.
Huh?
You asked me if my bathing suit shrinks.
No, I was wondering
if those headhunters
shrink a lot of heads.
Tch. Oh, gilligan.
Look at me.
You know, they say the shortest distance
between 2 points is a straight line.
You know what I'm talking about?
No, I never was very good at math.
Oh, gilligan!
[Sighs]
Stop looking at that silly totem pole
and look at me.
Okay.
Now, what has that totem got
that I haven't got?
3 heads.
[Sighs] You win!
I tried, I really tried,
but all he thinks about are those heads.
And you just left him standing there?
Well, 2's company, 3 is a crowd.
[Sighs]
I made this boomerang for him.
I hope I can get him interested in this.
I hope that boomerang
has more "boom" in it than I had.
Gilligan?
There you are, little buddy,
I've been looking for you.
Look what I made a boomerang.
W-W-Well, come on,
you know how you had
that trouble losing things all the time?
Well, this you can't lose.
You throw it away, it comes back to you.
It's a boomerang, get it?
It comes back.
Skipper, I don't want a boomerang.
Gilligan, now, it's a lot of fun.
It takes a lot of practice
to learn how to throw one.
But, skipper, I I I
don't need a boomerang.
Well, gilligan, this isn't a toy, you know.
The natives use them to hunt with.
Do headhunters ever use them?
I suppose that they could use them
oh, well, gilligan, we're
not talking that seriously,
and besides
I never threw a boomerang.
Can I try? Yeah, try!
Watch where it goes now
'cause we gotta see where
it lands. We can't lose it.
Gilligan, you almost cut my head off!
I am a headhunter! I knew it.
I am a headhunter!
Mary Ann: Skipper!
Skipper! Professor!
Mary Ann, what is it?
Something terrible is gonna happen!
Something terrible is going to happen?
Gilligan ran past me,
and had a wild look in his eye.
And an ax in his hand. An ax?!
We better go find him.
I think he went that way.
Maybe he went that way!
Oh, never mind. Come on, professor!
Oh, he was so upset,
I don't which way he went!
We gotta find him, professor.
No telling what he'll do.
I can't believe that gilligan
is capable of violence. [Chopping]
What was that?
It sounds like it's coming from over there.
Come on, let's go!
Not capable of violence, huh?
Gilligan, what are you doing?
I'm getting rid of this totem pole.
Look what you've done!
What did I do?
You cut the head off!
He's gonna move to the
other side of the island.
He says he can't trust himself.
He's convinced he has all
the instincts of a headhunter.
Well, I'm convinced, too.
I'll never forget the look on his face
when he cut down old grandpappy.
Gilligan has no native instincts
either for headhunting or survival,
and I'm not gonna let him
live alone on the other side.
How are you going to stop him?
By literally putting my head
on the chopping block.
What do you mean?
Watch.
Gilligan, I brought you
a little going-away present.
It's a hand ax. Thought
it might come in handy
while you were out looking for trophies.
Thanks, I'm glad somebody believes
I'm a kupa Kai headhunter.
Why don't you start your
collection with my head?
Huh?
I'd consider it an honor to be your first.
What?
Professor: Well, come on, gilligan,
chop off my head.
I mean, a real kupa Kai
wouldn't turn down the offer of a head.
You couldn't do it. I'm not a headhunter.
And you're not a kupa Kai?
No, I'm a chicken, down to the bone.
You're not related to that old
king on the totem pole.
You couldn't make me
believe I was a kupa Kai
if I had to die to prove it.
Whoever do this Die!
Mashuka, great king!
Greatest headhunter of all!
Also very angry-looking.
Put that back on pole.
We find who do this!
[Whistling]
Hi, gilligan.
Oh, hi, Mary Ann.
[Coughing] Oh, the dust!
I heard you whistling.
You must be happy.
I am. I realized how silly I was
thinking I was a headhunter,
that's why I'm happy.
Well, I'm happy you're happy.
I'm happy you're happy I'm happy.
I was thinking how great
that wooden head
would look on the wall.
You don't want that
creepy thing in your room.
Yeah! When nobody's here,
I could talk to myself.
We really have to put
that head back on the pole?
Yes, because of gilligan.
For now he's forgotten
about that headhunting business,
but it would be better if he
never saw any reminders.
I guess so
don't look now, but
here are 3 big reminders
headed this way! Come on, hide!
Are they who I think they are?
Yes, they are real kupa Kai headhunters.
Hey, kupa king!
Where'd your noggin go?
Kupa king! You and I can be friends.
I just wanna take you back to my hut.
Kupa king?
Kupa king. Where'd it go?
Hey, there it is.
How'd you get up there?
Never mind. I don't want to know.
They were headed for the lagoon.
Yeah, I better warn the others.
No, wait a minute, professor.
There may be more of them.
[Rustling in bushes]
Gilligan!
Aah! Skipper!
Gilligan, it's only us!
I don't want to say anything,
but there are ghosts on the island.
Those are real kupa Kai headhunters.
Now there's good news bye!
Wait a minute! Now
we've gotta warn the others.
We'll tell the howells,
and you go find the girls.
Exactly! And above all, keep out of sight.
Don't worry, skipper. At
times like this, I'm invisible.
Eww! I've heard of mudpacks,
but this is ridiculous.
Don't knock it, honey.
In Hollywood, they charge
$25 a half hour for this.
$25? What have they
got in it, rock Hudson?
[Laughs]
Ooh, I love it! Okay.
Oh, no! The headhunters got the girls!
I can't look!
Both: Hi, gilligan!
Huh?!
What's the matter? You look like a ghost.
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong? You looked
at yourselves lately?
How can we? We're covered with mud.
We're standing in a mud bog.
I thought those headhunters
got here before I could.
Are you trying to tell us
there are real headhunters?
The skipper and the professor saw them.
Quick, get us out of here!
Oh, help! Come on, Mary Ann.
Ohh! Unh!
Wait a minute! One moment, please!
Stop waving that thing in my wife's face!
Have you no manners?
Thurston, why don't
you tell these poor souls
that we don't need any
boy scout equipment.
I know how to deal with aborigines.
One moment here
you, sir, the spokesman.
How much to let Mrs.
Howell Mrs. Tall hat
and me go free? Uh, 10,000, hmm?
Uh, 100,000 500,000
Oh, come, every man has his
price, now, what is yours?
[Speaking native language]
Sounds terribly expensive.
Oh! Yale men!
[Yelling indistinctly]
Ooh! Ow!
Thurston, I didn't know
we were asked for dinner.
I'm afraid, my dear, we are the dinner.
Can't you do anything to stop them?
No. I've even offered them seats
on the stock exchange.
And they turned you down?
Just as well. They'd probably corner
everything in the market,
especially the customers.
[Whispering] The kupa kais have got
Mr. and Mrs. Howell captive.
We've got to do something.
It would be too risky to
try to overpower them.
Of course, if we got gilligan,
it would make the sides even.
But, of course, on second thought,
it might make matters worse.
No, wait a minute, skipper, you're wrong.
Gilligan could repulse them
simply by showing his face.
Oh, come on, professor!
I mean, gilligan's no Cary Grant,
but he certainly doesn't have a face
like a Frankenstein's monster.
No, skipper, that's not what I meant.
Gilligan looks exactly like
that kupa Kai on the totem pole.
Well, what about it?
If he can convince the headhunters
he's really their dead
king brought back to life,
he can order them
to release the howells.
Hey, yeah, he can save us save us all!
You're a born kupa Kai if I ever saw one!
One look at that face,
and they're gonna know you're their king.
But I'm not a headhunter.
You convinced me of that.
But you've gotta act like one.
A dead one! How's that
gonna save the howells?
You tell the natives to
release their prisoners.
These natives are very superstitious,
so as a king, your word is law.
Then how come nobody
pays any attention to me?
Better check if the howells are alright.
Alright, but hurry it up,
because before you finish off gilligan,
they're apt to finish off the howells.
Huh? There you are!
King! [Laughs]
Now, gilligan, very briefly,
the kupa Kai words for
"free the prisoners" are
Pulu si bagumba.
Pulu si bagumba.
That's right. Now hit the words hard
and make them sound like you're mad.
Boogie loo gumbamba!
No, no! Pulu si bagumba.
Now try it again.
Pulu ba
oh, gilligan, concentrate!
The howells are in serious trouble.
Now try it again.
[Speaking native language]
Thurston, what did he say?
W-W-Well, I don't know,
it sounded like kupa Kai for
"Cheerio, old chap!"
[Speaking native language]
Both: Help! Help!
Skipper: Wait! Wait!
[Speaking native language]
The howells: Skipper! Skipper!
I'm gonna be real fair about this thing.
I'm gonna give you boys
a chance to get off the island.
There're 600 marines waiting to attack
if I'm not back in 5 minutes.
Thurston, isn't that
marvelous? 600 marines!
Oh, dear, and look! We're not
properly dressed to greet them!
Lovey, this is just a bluff.
Thurston, don't be
ridiculous. Marines never bluff!
Believe me, if you boys
know what's good for you,
you'd better get off the island right now.
You've only got about 2 minutes left,
and then you'll be finished!
Nokupa. Pulu si bagumba.
Perfect! Gilligan, that's perfect!
Good. I wonder what I said.
I'm getting worried. The
skipper hasn't come back yet.
I think we'd better go.
They're probably scared to death by now.
And I wanna see myself in a mirror.
We don't have time for that.
Well, hurry up!
Mary Ann: Gilligan!
Gilligan, come on.
Ohhh.
Professor?
Ginger? Mary Ann?
I wonder where they went.
They left without me.
[Speaking native language]
Where's gilligan?
I don't know. Hi.
Hey, what are you doing there?
Sorry we couldn't wait for you, gilligan,
but we got all tied up.
What do I do? I only
rehearsed for the howells.
Make your appearance
exactly as we planned
only tell them to release all of us.
How do I say that?
I think these vines are coming loose.
We can't wait till we get loose, gilligan,
they may kill us at any moment.
[Grunting]
Professor: Good heavens.
If they notice that head missing,
they'll come over to investigate.
I-I'll put I'll put it back up.
Well, hurry it up, gilligan,
or they'll be a lot of heads missing.
Mashuka!
[Speaking native language]
[Speaking native language]
Mashuka?
Mashuka? That's me?
Gilligan.
Me mashuka.
Pulu si
Pulu si
Pulu si Bagumba.
Pulu si bagumba.
Hey, that was pretty good.
You dead king.
Why you not speak real kupa Kai?
I've been dead so long, I forgot?
Would you
Mashuka!
We killed Burma mashuka!
You did it, little buddy.
You did it. You did it.
Like they say, skipper,
2 heads are better than one.
Yes.
You didn't bring us
out here to show us that?
Oh, gilligan, not again.
When are you gonna stop worrying
about looking like some
chap on a totem pole?
Right now, Mr. Howell.
Next time the kupa Kai show up,
you can be their chief.
Amazing likeness.
Early rodin!
Oh, to be immortalized in your own time.
Now, this is a tale of our castaways ♪
they're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone ♪no lights ♪
no motorcars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪