The Brady Bunch (1969) s03e23 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Boy, wait'll Dad finds out.
Is he going to be mad.
I'm going to finish my homework fast
so I can watch.
Me, too.
Mom, are you going to tell Dad
before dinner or after?
You kids are making
a big thing out of nothing.
Your father's not going to be upset
over something so so minor.
Mr. Brady ought to be home
any minute, Mrs. Brady.
Guess so.
I sure wish there was some way
I could help you soften the blow.
Alice, you're as bad as the kids.
Mr. Brady is not going to be upset.
Well, I hope not.
Well, after all, it was just a little accident.
Just a dented fender.
It wasn't even my fault.
Have you thought
about how you're going
to break the news?
Oh, yeah.
I'll just say,
"Hi, honey. How was your day?"
He'll say, "Fine. How was yours?"
And I'll say, "Oh, terrific.
Just a slight mishap with the car."
Then he'll say ( door opens )
You can find out what
he'll say right now
Mr. Brady just got home.
( Whistling )
Mike?
Yeah, honey.
How was your day?
Oh, great.
How do I look? Confident?
Like a turkey on Thanksgiving.
Thanks.
Hi, honey.
Hi, sweetheart.
How was everything at the office?
Fine. How was your day today?
Oh, just great.
I confirmed your golf date for Sunday,
and I found a button
that matches your sweater,
and I sewed it on,
and I put a new lightbulb in your den,
and I picked up your cleaning,
and I made your favorite
chicken and dumplings for dinner.
Honey?
Yeah?
What went wrong today?
Oh. Well, now that you mentioned it,
there was one small, tiny, minor problem.
Small, tiny, minor.
I knew you'd see it that way.
See what what way?
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Who banged up the car?
Who banged up what?
Oops.
Well, I think I'd better go have a look
at the small, tiny, minor.
Thanks a lot
big mouth.
Well, it's no big thing, but
it's not exactly small, tiny, minor, either.
Well, honey, it wasn't my fault.
I was just in the parking lot
at the supermarket and
What happened?
Well, we got in the car
and we fastened our seat belts.
And then I carefully
looked out the back window
to make sure everything was clear.
And then I started to back out.
Well, this this man across the aisle,
he started to back right out.
Then he ran into you.
Exactly. He hit me.
Well, uh, he didn't even look back.
He just barreled right out
of that parking slot.
Listen, Carol, what about
the damage to his car?
It's about the same as mine
dented fender.
Well, I'm glad nobody was hurt.
Well, me, too.
Well, we exchanged
names and addresses,
and we decided to fix our own cars
instead of making a big thing out of it.
Yeah, well, it would've
been wiser to report it,
but as long as you both agreed.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
CAROL: Hi, kids.
Hi. Hello, kids.
Wow! I bet Greg's really
going to get it for that.
What a dumb thing to do.
Greg didn't do it.
And it wasn't so dumb, either.
Hey, you kids better get ready for dinner.
Your mom has made
chicken and dumplings
for dinner tonight.
Chicken and dumplings?
That means Mom wrecked the car.
( laughing )
Ow! That's where I'm
going to put my dumplings.
I'll give you a dumpling.
Listen, Eddie, we have a problem
about tonight
I'm without wheels.
EDDIE: How come?
My mom got in an accident with the car
and smashed a taillight.
My folks are going to use my Dad's car.
How about you driving us?
EDDIE: No chance.
How about Dave?
I just love those jeans.
That kind of waist, you tie.
Yeah. Perfect.
Yeah. Perfect.
But it doesn't say
where you can buy them here.
Sandy has a pair. I could ask her.
Okay. Why don't you call her?
Okay.
EDDIE: Guess we're
wiped out tonight, Greg.
EDDIE: No offense to your mother,
but women sure are dumb drivers.
What do you mean,
women are dumb drivers?!
Hey, who's that?
Who you talking to?
EDDIE: Who's on the phone, Greg?
It sounded like Marcia.
It's Marcia, all right.
And men are even dumber drivers!
Who are you talking to?
EDDIE: No one is dumber
than a woman driver.
Are you listening, Eddie?
EDDIE: Yeah.
Well, listen to this!
Who's Eddie?
And how come you hung up on Eddie
after you told him to listen?
Listen, Eddie, I'm sure we can get this
Hang on a minute.
For the record,
that accident was not Mom's fault.
It was that dumb man driver's fault!
That was my sister, Eddie.
EDDIE: Which one?
The one you said
you wanted to ask for a date.
( Phone clicks )
Eddie? Hello? Hello? Ed?
( Doorbell rings ) Carol.
Come on, honey.
We're going to be late.
CAROL: I'm on my way.
Mr. Brady?
Yeah, that's right.
I'm Harry Duggan.
I'm the fella that had that accident
with your wife this afternoon.
Yeah, well, come on in, Mr. Duggan.
Oh, thank you. I will.
My, you have a lovely place here.
Uh, thank you.
DUGGAN: Did I catch you at a bad time?
MIKE: Well, my wife
and I are going out, yeah.
Oh, I see, well, this won't take a minute.
I mean, you and I can
settle it man to man,
if you know what I mean.
Um, no, don't think
I know what you mean.
Well, you know, women drivers.
Women drivers?
Oh, good evening, Mrs. Brady.
This won't take a second.
I borrowed a car
from a friend to get here,
and I have to get a ride back to him.
You see, my car had to be towed
from the scene of the accident to a shop.
What my wife told me,
there wasn't that much
damage done to your car.
Well, as a matter of fact,
she banged up my car pretty bad.
Pretty bad?
Yes. In fact, I have an itemized list
of the damage done to my car
and what it'll cost Mrs. Brady to fix it.
Cost me to fix it?
But we both agreed to fix our own cars.
Well, why should I agree
to a thing like that?
After all, it wasn't my fault.
Well, it certainly wasn't my fault.
Why, I think you should hear
my side of the story, Mr. Brady.
But I've already told
Mr. Brady everything.
Honey. What is your side, Mr. Duggan?
Well, you see, I was doing some
heavy marketing for my wife.
Being a woman, she's a little frail.
Excuse me, Mr. Duggan.
Frail is one thing that I am not.
Well, I'd like to get in my side of the story
without any interruptions.
Well, uh, get on with it, Mr. Duggan.
Well, I came down,
got my car, started the engine,
and checked my rear window
and saw it was clear,
and I just started to back out slowly
when, all of a sudden,
she came screaming
out of her parking place
and banged right into me.
Obviously, she just didn't look back.
But, Mike, he couldn't have looked back,
because I was moving first.
Oh, no, you didn't look back
because I was moving first.
Now, come on, Mr All right, okay, look.
This part's a standoff
but, as long as there was
the same amount of
damage done to your cars
Same amount of damage?
Are you kidding?
Here.
Read this.
"Smashed rear taillight,
"crushed fender,
"replace muffler, repaint left side
realign the frame"?
How much?
$295.11.
Of course,
there's some other minor things
that I don't mind taking care of myself.
What, refurnishing your house?
Mike, this just isn't true.
Mrs. Brady, are you
suggesting that I am lying?
And very badly, too.
Well, Mr. Brady, you're going to have
to believe one of our stories,
and I guess it'll be hers.
I see who wears the pants in this family.
Mr. Duggan, I think you better leave
before I toss you out
on the seat of yours.
Sir, are you threatening me
with bodily harm?
Yes. Out.
You haven't heard the last of this.
I'm going to sue you.
I'll see you in court!
CAROL: My pleasure!
Of all the nerve.
That-that chiseler.
MIKE: And he's obviously trying to use
the accident to get a whole lot
of other repairs done on his car.
Oh, Mike, do you think he really means it
about taking me to court?
Yeah, I think he means it all right.
Mom, Dad,
could we talk to you for a second?
We heard what you said.
Would we have to go to court, too?
Well, uh, yes. You might.
Oh, Mike, you don't really think
they'd have to go to court, do you?
Honey, they were witnesses.
That's perfectly legal.
Oh
Well, honey,
there's nothing to be afraid of.
All you have to do is tell the truth.
We do?
Of course. Especially in court.
The exact truth?
Say, listen, uh, what's going on here?
Well, before we go to court,
we think you ought to know something.
What's that?
Well, maybe the accident
was Mom's fault.
My fault?
We didn't see you look back
just like the man said.
Are you sure?
We're sure, Dad.
Sorry, Mom.
Look, uh, you two run
upstairs and go to bed.
It's your bedtime, okay?
Say good night.
BOTH: Good night.
Good night.
Gee, Mike, I don't know what to say.
Honey, now, listen,
are you sure you looked before you
Well, now wait a minute,
maybe you just think you did.
Honey, I am positive I looked back.
Well, how do you explain the kids?
I can't.
Oh, Mike, what am I going to do?
Mr. Duggan's going to take me to court,
and my own kids are going
to have to testify against me.
Those poor kids.
They must be terribly upset.
Yeah. Especially since
we've always told them
to be truthful.
Yeah.
Well, I guess there's only one thing to do
and that's give
that Mr. Duggan his $295.00.
And 11 cents.
And 11 cents.
We just couldn't
put the kids through that
making them appear in court.
Well, I agree.
It's pretty bad having your
own kids testify against you.
Well, it wouldn't exactly make the P.T.A.
nominate me Mother of the Year.
Well, I'll tell the kids in the morning.
They'll be delighted.
Do you know what makes me
absolutely furious?
That Duggan is going to think
I'm finally admitting that I was lying.
Oh, honey, don't think about it.
Let's forget all about him
and hope we never see him again.
Mike.
You don't think I'm lying, do you?
No, honey, I don't.
Mike.
( Sighs )
You do believe me, don't you?
Of course I do.
Mike.
You're not just saying that
because you're my husband, are you?
No, sweetheart, I'm not.
What's the matter?
Well, I was waiting
for you to stop me again.
BOBBY: Go away!
Come on! I got to brush my teeth, too,
you little creep!
Will you stop calling Bobby a creep.
How about Benedict Arnold?
Look, Bobby's no traitor.
He's in a bind.
Well, he shouldn't testify
against his own mother.
What else can he do?
Lots of things.
Like what?
Well, maybe he could
run away from home.
BOBBY: Leave me alone!
Go to sleep.
Might as well.
He won't let me in there.
Good night.
Good night.
'Night, creep!
Good.
I have two pillows now.
Come on, Cindy, you should be sleeping.
I know.
What's the matter?
Guess I should tell you.
Bobby and I got Mom in trouble.
What are you talking about?
The man Mom had the accident
with is going to sue her.
Sue Mom?
Bobby and I have
to be witnesses in court
'cause we were in the car.
Then I guess I'll have
to be a witness, too.
Well, how did you and
Bobby get Mom in trouble?
Because we said it was Mom's fault.
Mom's fault?!
Uh-huh.
What am I going to do?
Well, for one thing, get glasses.
Honey, there's no use
in stewing about it all night.
I'm not stewing. I'm reading.
Sweetheart, you have been
on page 124 for 30 minutes.
That's not reading. That's stewing.
( Knocking )
Come in.
Mom, I just heard
that man is going
to sue you over the accident.
Well, he was, honey,
but we're not going to court.
Why not?
Well, sweetheart, it's a little complicated.
Well, if it's because of Bobby
and Cindy, they're wrong.
It wasn't Mom's fault.
Were you in the car, too?
Yes. I saw Mom look back.
Well, now, wait a minute.
How could four of you
have been in the car
and two of you see one thing
and two of you see another?
MARCIA: I don't know.
Isn't there something you can do, Dad?
Yeah. I could get an ice bag.
I wasn't in the accident,
but I'm getting a headache.
Come on, honey, cheer up.
Your folks will figure
a way out of this somehow.
Yes, but what if they don't?
Then Bobby and I will
have to go to court.
Well, maybe not.
The judge swears at you.
No, sweetie. The judge swears you in.
That sounds just as bad.
Well, it's not just as bad.
Look, I've-I've never
been in court myself,
but I'm what you might call
an amateur expert anyway.
How come?
From watching television.
I've learned a lot from The Bold Ones
and Owen Marshall
and I expect to pass the bar
on the Perry Mason reruns.
You mean court's just like it is on TV?
Pretty much.
The judge walks in, and you stand up.
When he stands, you stand;
when he sits, you sit.
Sounds like Follow the Leader.
Yeah, well, sort of.
And then, when he calls your name
you become the witness and
you sit in the witness chair.
Is that where I have to tell the truth?
Yup. "The truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth."
Alice, if I don't sit in that
chair, can I fib a little?
Sweetie, I don't think your mother
would want you to do that.
But if Bobby and I
tell the truth, she'll lose
and go to jail for years and years.
Honey, this is just a small claims court.
There's no jury.
Your mother's not going
to have to go to jail
no matter what you say.
The judge just listens to both sides
and then he decides which
Cindy, when you finish
breakfast, get Bobby.
I want you both to come
out in the backyard.
I'm finished.
Come on, Marcia, honey.
What's up, Mrs. Brady?
We're going to find out
why four people in the same car
didn't see the same thing the same way.
How? Mr. Brady is going to re-stage
the scene of the crime.
Come on.
Okay, now, let's go through this
the way it happened at the supermarket.
And remember, I said exactly.
Okay? Okay. Okay.
Where do you want the car, Dad?
Uh, Carol, is that about right?
Yeah, I think so.
Okay, Greg, that's okay.
Now, uh, you're Mr. Duggan,
and you start backing up when I tell you.
Right, Dad.
Hey, Pete, you want
to ride along with me?
Nah. I don't want
to ride with Mr. Duggan.
Either do I.
Never mind that now, kids.
Now, come on, let's, uh,
let's get started here. Now, Carol,
tell me everything you did, exactly.
Okay. Well, first, we got into the car
and we fastened our seat belts. Right?
MARCIA: Right.
CAROL: And, um,
then I started the motor
and then I looked carefully
behind me to make sure
that everything was clear
and then I started to back out.
That's when we didn't see you look back.
Start backing, Greg!
Okay, Dad.
And don't stop until I tell you.
( Engine turns ) Hey, wait a minute.
That's when you two were
fighting about something.
Oh, yeah.
You spilled ice cream all over me.
Okay, kids, I said "exactly."
So you two go ahead, fight.
I did not spill it on you!
You did, too!
I did not!
You did! I didn't!
You did! I didn't. Listen, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I think we got something here.
Hey, hey, Dad.
You two were arguing the
whole time Dad, Dad, Dad?
Peter, not now. You two
were But, but, but Dad!
Arguing the whole time
Peter, will you?
Greg, stop!
( Tires squealing )
( Sighs )
Oh, whew. We almost had
another court case.
Yeah, Brady v. Brady.
Bobby, Cindy
were you two arguing the whole time?
Yeah, I think we were.
MIKE: Well, if you were,
how do you know whether your mother
looked back or not before the accident?
Well, maybe she did look back,
and we didn't see it.
Exactly.
And it only takes a split second
to miss something.
Maybe we missed it.
We're sorry, Mom.
Oh, that's okay, honey.
You only said what you
thought was the truth.
Well, Mr. Brady, you're
a regular Charlie Chan.
Ah, so
Honorable wife of honorable detective
hope honorable judge just as clever.
( Stately music plays )
Thank you.
Next case is Duggan v. Brady.
Will the interested parties
please step forward?
Mrs. Brady?
Yes, your Honor.
The defendant, huh?
Will Mr. Duggan please step forward?
Mrs. Brady, you may return to your seat.
The Court will grant Mr. Duggan
two minutes grace.
Mom, Dad, look.
A neck brace.
Do you believe that?
I'm surprised he doesn't
have both legs in a cast.
State your name, please.
Harry Duggan, sir.
I'm sorry I'm late, Your Honor,
but I was at the doctor's whiplash.
Yes, so it appears.
Uh, the defendant will return, please.
You understand that
I will hear both sides,
and then the Court will render
a decision. Yes, Your Honor.
The plaintiff first.
You may use the blackboard.
Well, it's rather difficult, Your Honor.
You see, I can hardly turn my head,
but I was, uh I was parked, uh,
here and, uh she was parked, uh
like that.
I had just come from the
market with my groceries.
My wife usually does the shopping, but
poor woman is bedridden.
Uh, just stick to what happened
in the parking lot, Mr. Duggan.
Yes, sir. Well, I got into my car,
and I turned my head carefully
and, uh, looked out the rear window.
Of course, I can't
turn my head now, but, uh,
I looked, and I saw it was clear,
so I started to back up very slowly
when, all of a sudden,
she came barreling out
of her parking space
and wham, bang ran right into me.
Of course, ( chuckles ) you know
how women drivers are, Your Honor.
Whether the other driver
is male or female
is not pertinent.
Except, of course, to his or her spouse.
Oh, I understand, sir.
I just meant that, uh
Have you anything to add?
Uh, have you any witnesses?
Oh, no, sir.
I just have here an itemized list
of the damages to my car.
No thanks to her, I could have been
banged up a lot worse than this.
Of course, I can't even turn my head.
Yes, you have made that
abundantly clear.
Mrs. Brady, it's your turn.
CAROL: Thank you.
Your Honor
I agree with Mr. Duggan
on only one point
we were both parked.
But I was the one who looked back
to make sure everything was clear.
He couldn't have. Otherwise,
he wouldn't have hit me.
No! You're the one that didn't
look out, because you hit me.
Oh, just a minute, Mister
Mr. Duggan, I believe
you have had your turn.
Uh children,
are you witnesses?
Oh, yes, Your Honor.
I object, Your Honor.
She probably told them what to say.
Mr. Duggan, the Court
does not need advice from you.
State your names, please.
Marcia Brady.
Robert Brady.
Cynthia Brady, Your Honor.
Now, children,
the story that your mother told
about the accident in
the parking lot is that true?
Did she turn around and carefully look
before she backed up?
Yes, Your Honor. I saw her look back.
Ah, are you sure?
Yes, sir. I'm sure.
But Cindy and I didn't
see her, Your Honor.
He spilled ice cream on my dress.
I did not.
You did, too. CAROL: Shh!
I did not.
Did, too. I did not.
Shh, kids. Did, too. I did not.
You may be seated, children.
( Clears throat )
( Both muttering )
JUDGE: The Court finds itself
with two completely conflicting accounts
of this accident.
Now, on the one hand,
Mr. Duggan states
categorically that he looked
very carefully before
he pulled his car out.
And on the other hand,
Mrs. Brady contends
the same thing.
This leaves the Court
to settle the decision
entirely on the testimony
of both the litigants.
Hey, he turned his head.
CINDY: Yeah, he turned his head.
No, I didn't. Um
I, um I just was, um
Mr. Duggan, it is the opinion of the Court
that your neck brace
was an overt attempt
to change the opinion
of this Court,
therefore beclouding your testimony.
I find in favor of the defendant.
Oh, thank you.
Wow. That was really smart, Dad.
Honorable father use honorable noodle.
Honorable mother most grateful.
Dad, can we go see
the Judge for a second?
What for?
Maybe he can decide
who spilled the ice cream.
It's mine.
It is not! It's mine!
Jan, let go.
I won't. It's my candy bar!
No, it's not! Yes, it is!
Let me settle this.
I was just in court,
so I know all about
settling things really legal.
Okay by me.
Okay.
Court will now come to order.
Whatever Judge Brady says goes.
Let me see the evidence.
( Grunts )
You say it's yours,
and she says it's hers. Right?
It's mine. I bought it yesterday.
It is not. It's mine.
I just got it at the store.
Hmm. It's a very tough case.
There's only one thing to do.
PETER: Cindy!
Cindy!