Clarkson's Farm (2021) s04e01 Episode Script

1
[rain splashing]
[grunting]
Here we go.
[grunting]
- [mooing]
- [Jeremy] No, cows, don't do that!
Get back, get back!
Do you understand?
- Get back.
- [mooing]
I'm on my own, here.
[Jeremy sighing]
- [Jeremy panting]
- [pigs squeaking]
[Jeremy] Morning, pigs.
Stop!
[pigs squeaking]
I want to make it absolutely plain
that I'm absolutely thrilled to bits
for Kaleb.
I'm not a socialist.
I want him to do well,
I want him to make money,
I want him, one day,
to be able to buy his own farm.
But
he has left me
just a little bit in the lurch.
- [man] Good evening, Coventry!
- [cheering]
Please give a huge agricultural welcome
to the farmer on tour.
All the way from Chipping Norton,
Kaleb Cooper!
[crowd cheering and clapping]
["Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac playing]
[pigs squeaking]
Stop, no! Get off.
["Don't stop" by Fleetwood Mac continues]
[Jeremy] Welcome back to Clarkson's Farm,
where things have gone a bit topsy-turvy.
How are you doing, mate? You all right?
- There we go.
- [Kaleb] There we go. Pleasure.
[Jeremy] Kaleb is now in the spotlight.
There we go, look.
[Jeremy] And I'm in the winter.
[sighing]
Outside, on the farm
[grunting]
Doing all the jobs,
on my own.
[music continues]
[Jeremy] Come on, rise and shine.
If I can get up, you can.
Come on.
Yeah, I know it's raining. Come on.
Please, come on. Please.
It's freezing cold and soaking wet.
Come on!
Come on, out!
They say that one man
should be able to run
anything up to a thousand-acre farm
on his own, and that's probably true,
if the man is competent and practical.
It's also probably true
if the farm is arable.
But this is mixed.
I've got all the crops.
And I've got pigs,
and cows,
and sheep,
and goats,
and the hens.
[soft music]
[sighing]
Egg.
Good.
Yes, I'm shovelling shit.
[panting]
[sighing]
[Jeremy] What's this?
Two and half tons of wild bird feed.
Why have Why is it
[dial tone]
[on the phone] Charlie Ireland here.
Sorry, I can't get to the phone
right now, but I'll call you back.
[Jeremy] Here we go, goats.
- [bleating]
- Ah, ah, ah!
No, fuck! One's escaped!
Two's escaped.
For fuck's sake.
Back, otherwise you're gonna be
in an Indian restaurant.
Ah, ah, ah!
[Jeremy] And sadly, Lisa wasn't around
to share the workload
because she was away on one of her thin
blonde Oxfordshire women projects,
learning how to make scent.
So you've got your top notes,
like oranges, like the bergamot,
like the lemons.
And the middles are like the roses,
the jasmins, the lavenders.
And then, you've got your patchouli,
you've got your
You've got your musks,
which are much deeper
[pigs squeaking and grunting]
[Jeremy] Come on, pigs!
Oh no! Oh, God, no!
Oh, shit. Fuck.
Fuck.
Fucking hell.
Oh, God.
They've got 20 acres ♪
And you've got 43 ♪
Now I've got
a brand-new combine harvester ♪
And I'll give you the key ♪
Come on now,
let's get together in perfect harmony ♪
I've got 20 acres
and you've got 43 ♪
[engine rumbling]
No.
Shit.
[Jeremy groaning]
[Jeremy] And there is my quest,
clearing away Kaleb's soggy hay.
[engine revving]
Up you come.
Oh, shit
No!
For fuck's sake.
- [phone ringing]
- [sighing] Bollocks.
[Jeremy] Hi, Charlie.
Yeah. I was just wondering why
we've got five bags of wild bird seed.
[Charlie] Ah! Erm
We've got to do
some supplementary feeding
under the Countryside Stewardship Scheme.
- So
- What? Feeding the birds?
[Charlie] Yeah.
What do I put it into
to make it bird feed?
- Hello?
- [line cutting off]
Hello?
- [Charlie] Hello, can you hear me?
- Yeah?
Not really
[line cutting off]
[soft music]
So, the rest of the day,
I've got to muck out the cows,
and in a little bit time,
I've got to collect more eggs.
And feed the goats,
and feed the pigs again.
And then
[chuckling]
Guess what I'm doing.
I'm gonna feed the pigs,
feed the goats, collect the eggs.
[Jeremy] And on top
of all the animal husbandry,
we were now getting to that time of year
when I'd have to start thinking
about planting the crops.
- [Jeremy] This is winter wheat.
- [Charlie] Yeah.
- The durum wheat needs doing.
- Yeah.
- Spring barley, that needs doing.
- Spring barley.
[Jeremy] And it wasn't just
the wheat and barley that needed sorting,
because the government had just announced
all the exciting new schemes
that would replace the old EU subsidies.
And as Charlie explained,
this meant I'd have to plant new crops
whose names were
a blizzard of Whitehall gobbledygook.
This,
which is all the land
around the farm shop
[Charlie] Yeah.
Is Herbal Ley SAM3.
- Which sounds like a missile.
- [Charlie] Correct.
What's a herbal ley?
- A herbal ley is a GS4.
- What?
Herbal ley is GS4.
- The sustainable farming incentive.
- That's the SFI.
- Yes.
- That covers the GS4.
That covers No. That
The SFI has a code of SAM3
for the herbal ley,
but Countryside Stewardship,
which is another scheme
- That's CSS HT.
- Yes, the higher tier,
which covers this.
So But I'm planting
It's a SAM3, but it's also a GS4.
- And it's a herbal ley.
- [Jeremy scoffs]
It is a herbal ley.
How many fucking meetings have Defra had
to come up with this?
[Jeremy] The bottom line was that
the government would give me money
so long as I didn't grow food,
only stuff that would make
the soil healthier.
So, herbal ley is a mix
of three kinda key different species.
You've got grasses,
herbs and some legumes.
The point is,
they all root at different depths.
They create a different sort of soil.
- This is "soil action", hence SAM.
- It makes the soil better.
[Charlie] Yeah. Invest in the soil,
take it out of the rotation
for a couple of years
- Yeah.
- And then you can also graze it.
I was about to say,
we can put sheep and cows on it?
- Yeah.
- So they get free food.
- Yeah.
- And the government guarantees
- £160 an acre.
- Correct.
[Jeremy] And there was more good news,
because the government had also upped
the amount they were paying me
to look after my wildflower meadows.
So they were giving us £100.
Pretty much.
Just under £100 an acre, and now,
you're gonna get £240 an acre.
[Jeremy] Bloody hell!
They're paying you properly now
for the environmental value of those.
There's loads of stats
about the reduction in area
of what are proper wildflower meadows.
Is it 80%?
In the last 100 years,
80% of Britain's wild
99%.
But we have had two wars
in that time, proper wars,
where
[officer-class accent]
"Korea wasn't a proper war.
Argentina wasn't a proper war.
Not until you're fighting Jerry
are you having a proper war."
- Erm
- [both chuckling]
That's exactly what I didn't mean.
Now, this is, I must be honest,
from my point of view, good news,
'cause this takes
all the risk out of farming.
Weather can do what it likes,
there can be a war
and it won't make any difference.
We know how much we're going to earn,
which is brilliant.
But here's the thing,
because Kaleb is presently in York,
I believe,
- on his tour
- Mm-hmm.
I've got to drill this.
- Yes, you've got to get on and drill it.
- I've got to drill it.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] So, the next morning
[sighing]
[Jeremy] Right
[Jeremy] After getting up in the dark
to feed all the animals
- [mooing]
- Here you go, cow.
[Jeremy] I loaded the hopper
with the GS4 SAM3 SFI herbal ley
and set off.
Good to be back doing tractoring.
But I do feel a bit like the pilot's out
for their first ever solo flight.
They have an engine failure,
they radio the tower,
and there's always an instructor there
who can talk them in.
I don't have
an instructor in the tower today.
It's just me.
[Jeremy] But as a bonus,
I'd no longer have to deal
with my most hated tractoring issue,
the stupid and useless scratch marker.
Absolutely no idea, here.
Simply not visible.
[Jeremy] Because I'd come up
with a new invention.
[whirring]
I'm so happy about this.
It's a water-based paint,
so it's not gonna harm the earth.
Thicken it up with flour.
Gordon Ramsay would call that lumpy.
And I'd have to agree with him, but
Here we go.
Look at that. Look at it!
It's already started to come out.
Can you see it just dribbling out gently,
exactly as I planned?
The paint will dribble down
over the brush.
The brush will then distribute
that paint onto the tyre,
which will leave a mark that I can follow
in the field.
I'm not actually gonna do any drilling.
I just want to see if this works.
Okey-dokey.
Here we go.
[Jeremy] Oh, my God!
I've done something properly and well!
I'm leaving a mark,
a mark that can actually be seen.
Yes, yes, yes.
Every farmer, I was gonna say in Britain,
but in the world
is going to look at this now and say,
"I must have that on my farm."
I am the new Jethro Tull,
and I don't mean the Jethro Tull
where he stands on one leg
and plays the flute,
that's Ian Anderson,
I mean the other Jethro Tull,
who revolutionised British agriculture
in the 18th century.
That's me now.
21st century Jethro Tull.
[upbeat music]
Now, what I'm gonna do is stick out
the traditional farming marker
Bollocks.
Which is on the other side,
for the round back
You can see how useless that is. Ready?
Where's my white line?
No.
Where the bloody hell has it gone?
Where's the bloody
I could see the paint going on the field
but it's not there now.
Oh, there it is!
There it is, I can see it,
here, when I started.
So it worked for about 40 yards.
And then it sort of didn't.
[Jeremy] And to rub salt in the wound,
the stupid metal scratcher thing
had chosen this day
to suddenly start working.
[Jeremy] For fuck's sake.
This is irritating, 'cause you can see.
Look.
The metal disk has made
a very, very clear mark.
[alarm chiming]
Oh, shit. What's it doing?
[alarm continues chiming]
Why is that beeping? Oh, God.
[short beep]
[sighing] Fuse's gone.
This tractor is getting Alzheimer's,
I fear.
Where The fuse's gone.
[engine stopping]
Because the fuse's blown,
I can't fold the flaps in.
But I can't drive back to the farm
with the flaps out,
because I can't get through a gate
or go down the road.
What I'd normally do at a time like this
is phone Kaleb
and ask him to bring the fuse up here.
Kaleb isn't here.
[sighing] Bollocks.
[grunting]
[soft music]
[panting]
New fuse.
So get that in
No, wait, hang on. Oh, God
[chuckling]
The old-fashioned disk that I need
to put back on is back at the farm.
Fuse in, fold it up, back to the farm.
Take that off, put the old one back on.
It's twenty past one.
Turns out, I'm not Jethro Tull.
I'm just a hapless fuckwit.
[rock music]
[Jeremy grunting]
Come on! There
[Jeremy] By the time I'd removed
my new invention
There we go.
[Jeremy] Rolled around in the dirt
to calibrate the drill
[Jeremy] 14, 13, 12
[Jeremy] And got back to the field,
it was almost 4 o'clock.
[Jeremy] I'm drilling.
Totally solo drilling.
No, I need my glasses to see the speed.
That's only 11 km/h.
Oh, I haven't put my thing out. Oh, shit!
I forgot my thing. Shit, shit, shit.
I forgot to put my marker thing out,
after all that.
- [alarm chiming]
- Oh, it's beeping. What the hell?
And I haven't got my markers out.
Do I have to go out to put them out?
Oh no
And then Oh, I'm rolling backwards,
now. Wait.
Do I put "Markers"?
No, that's the wrong one!
Oh, come on!
Right, I've got that out, good.
Third gear.
I think I'm good.
Oh, I put
Shit, I forgot to lower the drill!
[buttons clicking]
It won't lower.
Yes, down.
There we go, I'm drilling.
[engine stopping]
- [engine stalling]
- No.
Erm
[engine whirring]
- What?
- [engine stalling]
I've got stuck.
Ah, there's the problem.
White box has come down.
God
Yeah, get that up.
Right, now I'm going to drill it.
Now I'm drilling.
Oh, shit, the fan's not on.
Fucking hell.
God, there's a lot to think about!
According to Charlie,
the government have satellites
that will be used to make sure
I've done a good enough job here.
Well, the government satellite is going
to look down on this field
and just go, "He was drunk."
[soft music]
[Jeremy] I'd hardly done any drilling
before the winter darkness descended.
And then, the ageing Lambo
went wrong again.
Where's my dashboard lights gone?
Oh no. That's not it.
So I've no dashboard lights now.
That's the new problem, that's good.
That is pure guesswork.
I can't see the marker.
I don't know how fast I'm going
and I don't know what gear I'm in.
[sighs] Right
The next thing, of course,
is how much seed have I got, because
Was it one bag a hectare
or a bag an acre?
Oh, I don't even know.
I don't know, I'm just guessing.
[soft acoustic music]
[Jeremy] This meant I didn't know
that my hopper had become empty
and that I was now driving up and down
planting nothing at all.
And when I discovered this
and was filling it up again,
His cheerfulness arrived.
[Charlie] Hi.
How's it going?
I'm gonna be honest,
I'm having a tottering time.
- A tottering time?
- [Jeremy] A tottering time.
The fuses keep blowing in the tractor.
And I don't know how
I don't know when
I don't know anything.
Literally, I was thinking,
well, a fuse has blown,
Lisa's in London,
Kaleb's wherever the bloody hell he is,
it's now coming up for six o'clock,
and all I've drilled in a whole day
a tenth of the field?
So after four years of farming?
Yes, but critically,
only four spells of drilling.
I've only done drilling four times.
[Charlie] I'm not saying.
It's quite exposing being on your own.
This isolation is kinda
I'm thinking, while Kaleb's away,
I'm going to need a hand.
That's probably a sensible
- Particularly with
- What I'm really worried
The cash crop, the barley.
I can cock this up, it doesn't matter,
- ultimately, really.
- As much. No.
- But if I cock the barley up
- Yeah?
Would it possible for you
to go away
- Just go away?
- [chuckling] Just go away.
And see if you can find
somebody to come and give me a hand?
'Cause I'm properly struggling.
There's a couple of good agencies.
We can find temporary staff.
- Happens all the time.
- Perfect.
- [Jeremy] Okay.
- [Charlie] All right?
- [Jeremy] All right, see you later.
- Cheerio.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] A couple of days later,
there was good news,
because Charlie called
to say that a stand-in for Kaleb
would be arriving at lunchtime.
Sansa?
You've been at school, haven't you?
You've been learning how to be a dog!
She went away for a month to be trained.
Total transformation.
A month at school and she's mended.
Sansa!
Heel.
Heel, Sansa. Heel.
Heel.
No, Sansa.
You've been trained now, come on.
Heel, Sansa
Sansa!
Heel. No!
Sansa, heel.
I give in.
[Jeremy laughing]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Later,
after I had fed the animals,
finished off the GS4 drilling
and gone back to the office to deal
with the daily government paperwork,
my new helper arrived,
a young farmer called Harriet.
[Harriet] Hello.
- Hi, Jeremy. How are you? Have a seat.
- I'm all right. Are you?
- Thank you.
- Oh, brilliant.
[Jeremy] Did you have a good trip?
A good journey?
Well, kind of.
But I turned all the motorways
and toll roads off on my sat nav
so I ended up coming on B roads.
- Where have you come from?
- Derbyshire.
- [Jeremy] Flat country.
- It's not flat at all.
It is flat. Do you want coffee?
No, thanks. I don't like coffee.
Have you got tea?
No.
- I'll be all right, then.
- Honestly, I haven't got any tea.
- Sorry.
- [Harriet laughing]
No, it's so good
- So you can come and give me a hand.
- Yeah.
- Charlie says you are from a farm.
- Yeah.
It is your mum and dad's farm?
It was me grandad's farm
and then now my dad has it, yeah.
That's fantastic. I should explain.
You've seen Clarkson's Farm?
Yeah.
- Yeah Have you?
- No.
Well, I've seen You know, on YouTube,
you get them, like, short bits,
where it's, like, funny moments.
- Yeah.
- [Harriet] I've seen them.
The short
- I ain't got time to watch all that.
- Well, anyway,
- we've got this guy called Kaleb.
- Yeah.
- Kaleb has been the farm manager.
- Okay.
And now, he's gone off to be Julian
Clary, or Lenny Henry, he's gone
Do you know who Julian Clary is?
- No.
- Lenny Henry?
He's the bed man.
- What?
- The bed man.
- Bed?
- Lenny Henry does the bed advert.
[Harriet] Don't he?
I thought he did
Doesn't he do hotels?
Where he's laying on a bed?
I don't think he's advertising the beds,
he's advertising the hotel.
Oh.
Anyway, he's doing a tour around
so he's disappeared for two months.
- Who? Lenny Henry? Oh, Kaleb!
- No, Kaleb.
- Kaleb's disappeared.
- [chuckles] Oh. Okay.
- Yeah.
- And I thought, "Well, I can manage."
- Okay.
- And I'm not. I'm properly struggling.
- With what?
- Everything.
I've got myself in such a pickle 'cause
I've been not making a very good job
of drilling GS4.
- Yeah.
- You know what GS4 is?
- Yeah.
- And then when I got
It's just Don't ask. But I don't trust
myself to do the barley.
Okay.
- Would you be okay to drill it?
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] I then took Harriet
for a Diddly Squat tour.
[Jeremy] That's the tractor shed.
- [Harriet] That's full of seed and fert.
- Yeah.
[squeaking]
Sounds like your cow brush could do
with some WD. It's a bit squeaky.
- [Jeremy] The what?
- The cow brush.
- Can you hear it squeaking?
- Is that what that is?
[Harriet] Yeah.
[squeaking]
- Could you also oil the cow brush?
- Yeah, I can oil the cow brush.
- [Jeremy] Erm There's your house.
- [Harriet] My house!
[Harriet] It's a house on wheels, nice!
- [Jeremy] There's the mighty Lamborghini.
- Yeah.
It's big.
[Jeremy] Oh
[chuckles]
- It's not! It's powerful is what it is.
- Yeah.
And there's the drill on the back of it
that I keep breaking.
[Harriet] Oh, you're breaking?
- That's why I need you to get out there.
- Why is the drill covered in paint?
[Jeremy] Paint? Ah.
There's a story behind that.
[Harriet] And the floor
is covered in paint.
Yeah, there is.
[Jeremy] Right, let's go
for a spin around the farm.
- Oh! Look at that hedge!
- That isn't mine.
- [Jeremy] This is my hedge.
- [Harriet] Yes.
[Harriet] It's like
five-star, one-star.
- That is, I admit
- If this was a Lenny Henry hotel.
[Harriet] They're a bit wild.
- Have you not hedge-cut them recently?
- I don't like to hedge-cut,
because it makes more space
for the birds to live in.
I don't like neatly trimmed hedges,
it looks like Surrey.
[Harriet clicking tongue]
[Harriet] So, if you thin out
your hedges,
big birds can get in
and eat little birds,
whereas if your hedges
are nice and shaped and thick
Mm?
The big birds can't get in to eat
the little birds' eggs.
- So what you're doing is allowing
- I didn't know that.
[Jeremy] Come on, look at them.
- Look where they live.
- [Harriet] Nice piggies.
Your electric fence is arcing out,
so your batteries will be dying.
- [Jeremy] What?
- [Harriet] It's arcing out, look.
- [Jeremy] What do you mean?
- [Harriet] When it's touching grass,
or shit, in that instance,
it will arc out
and it will kill your battery.
[Jeremy] Oh
Oh, look at your screen saver. Just
Come here.
Tell me you're a farmer
without telling me you're a farmer.
Ready? [chuckles]
- That's my tractor.
- [Jeremy] Is that yours?
[Harriet] Yeah! That is a 6490.
- So have you got a boyfriend?
- Yeah.
- And he's not on there.
- No
[laughing]
[Jeremy] Next stop was one of the woods,
which I was interested in seeing
because Charlie had recently arranged
for some of its trees to be removed.
Yeah? Nice little track.
I might have a quick look at that.
Do you mind? Sorry.
- No.
- I've not seen this.
[sigh]
[Jeremy] Bleeding hell.
Christ on a bike, that's a lot of wood.
[Jeremy] That's astounding, isn't it?
Anyone would think
he'd not seen trees before.
Do you see how many trees have gone?
Look. One, two, three, four.
[Jeremy from afar] Five, six, seven
Fucking trees!
[Jeremy from afar] Eight.
I'm gonna do something with this.
Right, now, this
You see this mound here?
- It goes all the way around.
- [Harriet] Yeah.
[Jeremy] That is a Neolithic fort.
What's a "Neolithic"?
- 4,000 years old.
- Oh!
- So when the baby Jesus
- That's almost as old as you.
Yeah. When the baby Jesus came along,
that had already been there
for 2,000 years.
So it's really old.
Lenny Henry.
Yeah.
And that's the end of my history lesson.
- Lenny Henry.
- We're back to Lenny Henry.
"Lenny Henry advert"?
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] The following day,
Harriet said she wanted to get cracking
with planting the barley.
- [Jeremy] I'll load you up.
- [Harriet] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Which meant I had
to attach the forks to the telehandler
so I could fetch the seed bags.
Drive forward.
- Is that right?
- [Harriet] No.
Up a little bit. Come forward Woah!
Too much! Down.
Forward.
Up a little bit! Up
Put your boom up a tiny bit,
a tiny bit.
A bit more.
Right, stop. Drive forward.
Tilt back a bit.
- Back?
- [Harriet] Tilt back.
Those eyelashes and what she's doing
don't necessarily go together, do they?
Is that it?
[Harriet] Yeah, go get a bag.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Once she loaded the seed
[Harriet] Right.
[Jeremy] And calibrated the drill
without rolling around in the dirt
[Harriet] Okay, 220.
[Jeremy] She was ready
for her maiden voyage in the Lambo.
- [Jeremy] Have fun.
- [Harriet] Yeah.
[Jeremy] You're in a proper tractor
for the first time in your life.
[Harriet] Definitely not.
[upbeat music]
I'll change down a gear
and give her some power.
[screaming]
It's got a turning point
of a fucking aircraft.
She's round.
So fucking big.
Why do you need anything this big?
[Harriet] Okey-dokey.
Seed in, 4 K.
Sick.
Happy days!
[the upbeat music continues]
And then film this way.
- [Charlie] Hi.
- All right, Charlie?
How is it going?
- [Jeremy] Well, she's brilliant, I think.
- Good.
- [Jeremy] I mean, well found.
- Good.
I don't know what I'm looking for
to see whether she's doing it properly.
[Charlie] We'll go
and have a look out there.
There you go, that's good.
- [Charlie] Look at that!
- [Jeremy] Oh yeah!
- [Charlie] Good depth.
- [Jeremy] So that's well drilled?
[Charlie] Perfect.
- [Jeremy] I'm bloody glad we've got her.
- [Charlie] Yeah.
Also, do you know what TikTok is?
What? TikTok? I've heard of it.
- Is she
- She's a TikToker.
[pop musics over the phone]
[Jeremy] Wait a minute.
[music continues]
Oh God, she's already been TikToking.
There's you! You're here!
That's Diddly Squat, so she's already
Yeah.
[upbeat music over the phone]
[Charlie] What?
[pop music]
[pop music over the phone]
[pop music]
[pop music over the phone]
I don't really understand TikTok.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Over the next few days,
TikTok Harriet worked like a Trojan.
[Harriet] Okay.
[beeping]
[buzzing]
I hate it when hedges haven't been cut,
'cause they never look neat.
[Jeremy] And while
she was trimming the hedges,
she got to meet another member
of the Diddly Squat family.
- Hiya.
- [Gerald Cooper] Hi there.
- Harriet.
- Nice to meet you, Harriet.
You too.
He said he could get another one
on the top of there if he wanted to.
[Harriet chuckles]
It's too fast. The tractor doesn't go
slow enough for me to cut hedges.
No, it wants a higher gear.
Yeah, I was saying do the sides
right, bear down tight on top on there,
just be narrow when going over these ones
as well.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
There's no chance in the world, is there?
- No.
- No.
[Harriet] No.
[upbeat music]
Whoo!
[Jeremy] With Harriet now doing
all the usual jobs,
and a few we hadn't even thought of
A few more rows
and we'll have a clean yard.
[Jeremy] I was made redundant
from the grind
of day-to-day farming duties.
This meant I had the brain space
to address the problem of overcrowding
at the farm shop.
[customer] Thank you.
[Jeremy] Its popularity continued
to annoy both the council and the locals.
So I needed something that would tempt
some of the customers away.
[soft music]
With my thinking cap on,
I noodled away at the issue.
[Jeremy] Ah-ah.
[Jeremy] And eventually,
I had a eureka moment.
So I called Charlie in
for one of those meetings
which began with the words
he'd come to dread.
I've had a brilliant idea.
Gonna buy a pub.
But it's Like a
You're gonna buy a pub?
Yeah.
- But
- [Jeremy] Hear me out, here.
I've been thinking.
I don't want to buy a village pub.
[Charlie] Yeah.
Because the farm shop
is nowhere near a village
and the village went berserk
because of the traffic.
Don't want to have that anymore.
Don't want to fall out
with any more villagers.
Town centre pub?
Not really the farm vibe I'm looking for.
Main road pub.
- But
- Coaching inn.
What Well
Then we can take all the produce
from Diddly Squat
- Yeah.
- And sell it all in a pub.
[Charlie] Which
How do I phrase this?
"Brilliant idea, Jeremy. Well done."
- Almost. I get the theory.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
'Cause in theory,
it sounds like a really good idea.
- Yeah.
- But the reality is very different.
Do you know how many pubs
have closed since 2000?
- No.
- A third of them.
20,000 pubs.
- Since 2000?
- [Charlie] Since 2000.
- That is
- 20,000?
Yes.
That's a thousand a year.
So, you can see how tough it is
as a business.
The only pubs around here
that seem to be opening are the ones
where, frankly, nobody can afford to eat.
I've got a plan, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm going to make affordable food.
How are you going to staff it?
Staffing's a massive problem.
Yeah, plenty of those.
If all the pubs are closing,
think of how many people are out of work.
But you're going to sign up to more HR.
- What's HR?
- Human resources.
Oh, I don't have that.
You need to, to manage all those people.
We didn't have HR
when I was on the Rotherham Advertiser,
which was the last time I was employed.
So you're gonna have to
"Aw, Jeremy, I've got a problem with"
I'll tell them
to pull themselves together!
I can't How hard can it be?
If you think about it,
we've got a great many pigs, now.
Yeah.
We're really good on hens and eggs.
We've got all the usual:
bread, pasta,
we've got all of the things we need.
I mean, I cannot think of a single reason
to not do it.
It's farm to fork,
it's exactly what everyone wants.
Can British farming save itself
by saving the British pub?
Oh
[chuckles]
[Jeremy] You wait till
you see this place.
It'll blow your mind.
[Lisa] Oh, man!
It stinks!
Right, stand very still.
[Jeremy] Is this manscaping?
[Harriet] Look at that!
Can we just get back to farming?
[upbeat folk music]