Happy Days (1974) s04e01 Episode Script
Fonzie Loves Pinky
1
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪
Ready to race to you ♪
These days are ours ♪
These days are ours ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rocking and rolling all week long ♪
(saxophone solo plays over rhythmic hand claps)
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Groovin' all week with you ♪
These days are ours ♪
These days are ours ♪
These happy days ♪
Are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours ♪
! ♪
.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
and all the ships at sea.
How was that?
How many guys are trying out
for the announcer's job, Richie?
About 15, but they're all honor students.
Do you think I'll get it?
Do you know what a fat chance is?
Oh, save some roast beef for your father, dear.
He'll be home any minute.
Oh, did he get hung up at the Leopard Lodge again?
Yes, he's working very hard
being chairman of the Leopard's Demolition Derby.
So be nice to your father; He's tired.
Oh, I will, but then can I go
over to Ginny Pickalow's house?
Yes, yes, of course.
Good.
Hark, hark, the chairman of the Demolition Derby is home.
And have I got something to show you.
Yeah, congratulations, Dad.
I'll see you later, all right? Yeah, I'm happy too.
Well, I'll be on my way.
No, no, no, wait a minute.
Come on, now, everybody sit down.
I got something very big to share with you.
Right here, in this box,
is one of the highlights of my life.
Oh, let me see.
Is there a picture of you with your tummy all tucked in?
You're gonna do fat jokes in the
middle of a man's highlights?
I'm sorry.
It happens to be the publicity leaflet
for the Demolition Derby.
"The Leopard's First Annual Team Demolition Derby
"will be held next Tuesday at Pfister National Park.
"It will feature great demolition drivers
"like Arthur Fonzarelli and his partner Nookie Newman,
"and the" Dad, we know that.
Would you be patient?
Go on, Howard.
Okay. "Now, to kick off the derby",
"the Leopards present a driving
exhibition by Pinky Tuscadero,
the world's greatest female cyclist, and her Pinkettes."
Oh, she is marvelous.
I just can't wait to see her do those Poppa wheelies
and those wild jumps.
(imitates engine revving)
Dad, Fonzie and Pinky are old friends.
HOWARD: Yeah.
"All proceeds" I think Fonzie's
looking forward to seeing her.
"All proceeds" Yeah.
He got four of his T-shirts pressed.
Do you mind?
Oh, go ahead, Dad. Oh, go ahead.
This is very interesting, dear. We're waiting.
"All proceeds of the Demolition Derby go to charity.
"The entire event is sponsored
by the Milwaukee Leopard Lodge.
Chairman of the event, Leopard Howard Cunningham."
Oh, that's great.
Well, I'm going to Ginny's.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Dad.
I'll read it later, okay?
That's wonderful.
JOANIE: Oh, hope you get the job, Richie.
What later?
t
never walk out on Robert Young.
Hey, Fonz.
Need some help, Fonz?
Hey, listen, you guys,
will you please stick to the stand?
It takes you an hour to knock in one solitary nail.
I hurt my thumb.
Oh, yeah?
You want me to kiss that boo-boo?
Good evening, gentlemen, and all the ships at sea.
All right, Richie got the TV job!
Yeah, I got it! Okay!
Yeah. Great.
All right, all right, listen to this.
Flash, this is Rick Cunningham
bringing you the Demolition Derby live on WZAZ-TV.
(chuckles) Okay.
Rick?
You don't like Rick?
Is your father's name Ozzie?
Yeah, right.
Scratch Rick.
Oh, oh, Fonz, I got a message for you.
Well, bring it over here.
Pinky was over at the station,
and she said she was going to be
by later with the Pinkettes.
Oh, that's great. Thanks a lot.
Yeah oh, oh, right, right, pictures.
I got another message for you.
You're a regular little courier pigeon, aren't you?
No, no, see, they're, they're letting me
do this special feature on all the derby drivers.
I need a good picture of you.
Well, I got some pictures inside.
Well, now, it's got to be a very good one.
Hey, could this face take a bad picture?
Oh, no, I guess not.
This is Richie Cunningham
You want to get in here?
Oh (motorcycles approaching)
Hey, the Pinkettes are here already. Yeah, yeah.
Let old Malph handle this.
Okay. Do I look okay? Yeah, perfect.
Hiya, guys.
Hi. Hi, girls.
Hi. RALPH: You must be the Pinkettes, huh?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Is that Pinky's bike?
Well, it's not Blackie's.
Okay. Go ahead.
(clears throat)
Hi, girls. (Chuckles)
I'm a singer.
You're boring.
Oh, you've already met Potsie.
Hey, I love singers.
Yeah? Mm-hmm.
Hey, uh, I'm going to be singing "America the Beautiful."
Ah.
Oh, beautiful ♪
For spacious skies ♪
I've heard it. Oh.
Hi, Red.
Hi, Red. (Chuckles)
You know, uh, I'm one of
the funniest guys in the neighborhood.
Oh.
Funny guys aren't romantic.
Oh wait a minute don't go.
I'm only funny with the guys; With you, I'd be real serious.
You know, I'm a very serious driver.
Oh. (Chuckles)
I like drivers.
You do? Mm.
Well, let's talk, maybe we'll find something in common.
(giggles)
(both moan)
(snapping fingers)
(snapping rhythmically)
Hey, Fonz.
Guess who?
Hiya, Pinky.
M-wah!
Long time.
Yeah, a little too long.
Uh-huh.
How you been?
Well, not a hair out of place.
Was there ever?
How you?
(chuckles)
(snaps)
Uh
I was sort of hoping you could check out my "sickle."
(snaps)
Oh, yeah.
I'll, uh, I'll check over your "sickle."
You know, I want you to be sure and look over,
uh, the points, uh, the pistons.
Sure.
Up, down, all around.
It's a little warm in here.
(slow, mellow, rock 'n' roll melody plays)
MALE VOCALISTS: Boom, boom, boom ♪
Boom-boom-boom ♪
Waah-ah ♪
Waah-ah ♪
Wah, ah ♪
Ah, ah ♪
Doo ♪
Doo-doo, doo ♪
Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Ee-ooh ♪
Doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
Doo, doo, doo ♪
Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Doo-wah ♪
)
(rock 'n' roll playing, rhythmic clapping)
Well, you're all 16 ♪
You're all beautiful, and you're all mine. ♪
(scatting)
(music fades, applause)
Thank you.
I was supposed to be a driver, but I got hurt.
But I can play.
(plays riff)
Come on, Ralph, you're not hurt, you're just faking it.
Ah, well, we certainly are looking forward
to having you for dinner tomorrow night, Miss Tuscadero.
I mean, it's a great honor
to have the guest star
of the Demolition Derby in our home.
Well, Fonzie and I would be happy to come,
but you got to call me Pinky.
Oh, I can't wait for Tuesday
when you do those Poppa wheelies.
(imitates revving engine)
Marion, you've got to stop hanging around Fonzie.
(giggles)
You got some old lady.
(snaps) Later.
You got some old lady.
(snaps) Later.
Joanie!
Later?
RICHIE: Al, come here for a minute.
Yeah.
Come here. Listen. Okay.
It was really swell of you to throw this party
kicking off the derby and everything.
Oh, it's nothing.
I think you ought to make a little welcoming speech, huh?
No, I don't like to do that.
Oh, the gang would love to hear from you, Al.
But I'm too shy.
I'll-I'll introduce you.
(chuckles): No, don't, don't do that.
Well, okay.
Do it.
And make it humble.
Okay, right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to hear a nice round of applause for the man
who made this evening possible.
He supplied all the free pizza and the free soda pop,
so let's hear it for a nice guy Al.
(cheering, applause)
Don't. Oh, no.
Don't, don't, don't do it.
(chuckles)
Well, everybody enjoy.
Isn't Alfred cute?
Arnold is cute.
Alfred is humble. And Italian.
What's wrong, Fonz?
(all chattering)
All right, that's it.
I'm not in the derby anymore.
Why? Why? Why? What happened?
Because my partner, Nookie Newman,
just broke his leg jumping out of a motel window!
Ah, no! No!
Terrible. Well, Fonz, you know,
I'd drive, but I'm hurt, too. Yeah.
(all groaning) I am, I'm hurt, look.
All right, all right, all right.
Listen, I got to think this out.
Everybody just get out of here.
Come on, Shortcake, get out.
Oh, Fonz, I'm sorry.
Yeah, now I got to find a substitute driver.
I happen to know the perfect person
Pinky Tuscadero.
Hey, that's very nice.
I'm low, you're making a nice joke.
That's very nice.
What kind of joke? This is my shot
to be the first woman in the derby.
A woman in the derby?
I got a problem, and you're giving me silly suggestions.
Ralph, you're driving with me.
What?! ALL: Yay!
No yay. No, no yay.
Fonz, Fonz, I can't drive. I'm hurt.
Now, listen, you're faking it.
I'm going to make you famous.
Well, then, I'll hurt myself, I promise.
Somebody, hurt me!
All right, all right, look, I tell you,
you're going to drive with me, and that is it!
Now stop babbling, make some music for me, will you?
All right.
It's okay, Ralph. It's okay.
Dance.
Hey, why don't you dance with Ralph?
He's your partner.
Pinkettes, split!
Ralph?
Ralph is clumsy!
You know, it's too bad you two had to split up.
Joanie.
I hope you like tapioca, Pinky.
Oh, I love tapioca.
I haven't seen that since I was at the convent.
The convent?
Yeah.
Were you a nun?
Did they make you shave your head?
That's not a polite question.
Did they?
I wasn't a nun.
I just lived there.
Well, how come you lived in a convent?
Now, this all might be private, dear.
I'd like to know, too, Marion.
It's not so private.
You know, my mother and father split up when I was a kid.
You know, D-I-V-0-R-C-E.
Divorce.
Well, my mother couldn't handle it,
so she dropped me off at the sisters'.
Oh, that's too bad.
Nah. Are you kidding? I loved it.
But 18 years old, either you become a nun, or you leave.
You know, split. (Whistles)
It's just amazing how much you and Fonzie have in common.
Ah, forget it he wouldn't even let me in the derby.
.
I mean, you're the guest star.
You're-You're leading off the show
with your motorcycle tricks.
Not as a driver.
RICHIE: Hi, folks. We're home.
Oh, you're just in time for dessert.
Tapioca.
We'll give you some ice cream.
Dad, uh Hmm?
Will you come upstairs with me for a minute?
I haven't finished my dessert yet.
Well, you can finish it upstairs, Dad.
What are you doing?
Well, we have to talk. Talk about what?
I-I don't know. The birds and the bees.
Oh, Richard, we already had that talk.
Yeah, and you didn't learn much.
See, uh
There, uh, seems to be a little tension between us here.
Oh, you noticed?
I had a long talk
with Richie about our misunderstanding.
What did the announcer say?
Well, in between his "huh-huh-huh's"
he said that he thinks
I should let you drive in the derby, or you're going
to get into a huff, and you're going to walk out.
You know, redheads are just born geniuses.
On the other hand,
I don't think you should be in the derby.
I have spoken.
That's that.
You know, you got the prettiest eyes.
Come on now.
I don't want any more fighting here, all right?
Come on.
All right, all right. Hmm? Hmm?
You got it, you got it.
I still think you're wrong, though.
Why am I (shuddering)
Is Ralph a better driver than me?
Ralph can't find reverse.
You think when the action starts
that I will panic under pressure?
Hey, Pinky, you know I know that you're cool.
Then give me one good reason why I'm not your partner.
The Lone Ranger.
Was Tonto a girl?
Oh, I don't know.
He wore a feather.
Hey, don't you joke
about Tonto!
I'm telling you something.
There are always two guys that's right.
Batman and Robin, uh, the Green Hornet and Kato,
Even Gene Autry had a boy horse Champion!
Roy Rogers and Dale Evans!
Singers! You're giving me singers!
I'm talking about adventurers, I'm talking about heroes,
I'm talking about men
that made this country what it is today!
Do you think that I, the Fonz,
can break the tradition by putting a woman in a derby?
You know what I'm saying?
Do you know what I'm saying?
No, I do not know what you're saying!
That's because pink is fuzzing your brain!
Yeah, I ought to have it examined
for hanging around with you, boy!
Ooh! Women!
I was moving and a-groovin' whoo! ♪
We was a-reelin' with the feelin' ♪
Hah! We was a-rollin' and a-strollin' ♪
Movin' with the groovin' ♪
Splish, splash ♪
Yeah! ♪
(cheering and applause)
Thanks, Pinky.
Hey, next time let's try a fast number, huh?
Yeah.
RALPH: Richie?
Rich! Hi, Ralph.
How's your neck? Better. Listen to me.
I just saw the Mallachi brothers outside.
The Mallachi brothers?
Hey, they're great drivers.
They're favored to win the derby, you know.
You don't seem to understand.
I'm in big danger.
I know, they're mean.
Hey, we ought to get an interview with them.
The public loves violence.
Richie, you're not listening to me.
Those guys might hurt me.
Oh, look at this. This is wild.
One time in Cicero, the Mallachis destroyed 27 cars
with the famous Mallachi Crunch.
Only half the cars were actually in the derby.
I know I know all about it.
They're outside wrecking cars in the parking lot right now.
Oh, it's Rocco Mallachi!
It's Rocco Mallachi!
Hello, Roc.
Hello.
Well, will the owner of the car, license plate number.
B-4-9-3-6 please raise your hand?
Your lights are on.
That could have been my face!
Uh, Rocco? Rocco Mallachi?
I'm Richie Cunningham from WZAZ-TV, and, uh
and we'd like to do a little interview with you.
Oh, yeah, uh, just wait a second.
Wait for my brother to come, Count Mallachi.
Hey, Count Mallachi, come on in here.
Count Mallachi?
Yeah, he likes to be called Count Mallachi.
He thinks he's the Gorgeous George of demolition derbies.
I have arrived.
Let the pigeons loose!
Sorry, Count, we're out of pigeons.
How about some turkey or chicken salad?
You think I'm funny, pickle nose?
No. Have a free slice of pizza.
Or better yet, take it all.
Let me ask you something.
Why does he talk like that?
Not that there's anything wrong with it.
.
Oh, lo and behold.
It is the fair Pinky of the derriere.
Attend to me, fair maiden, and I will sing to thee
from my book of songs and sonnets.
Hey, why don't you go sing into a bucket?
(laughs)
Clever, but very dangerous.
MAN: Hi, Fonz!
WOMAN 2: Here comes Fonzie!
WOMAN: Hi, Fonzie.
Hey, Count, did you say sonnets?
Attend to me, maiden.
Sit thee down upon my fair knee.
RICHIE: All right,
we're on the air.
We're live at Arnold's,
and we're expecting an interview
with Arthur Fonzarelli at any moment now.
Here comes Fonzie.
Fonz, I'd like
Bad time for an interview, folks.
Hey Fonz, Fonz, I found a guy.
He wants to drive with you.
Not now, Malph, not now.
Ah, comrade, it has been a long time, huh?
Not long enough, Myron.
He don't like you to call him that.
.
Ah, tush, an exception for an old friend.
Mm.
Do I detect a note of ill will in the air?
Uh, someone in this room does not think
that I am good enough to drive in the derby.
Fiddle-ee-dee, thou shall drive with me.
If he keeps kissing your arm like that,
you're going to have to get a shot for rabies.
I'll ride with you, Count.
'Tis settled then.
Rocco, you're out.
I-I'm your brother.
I'll tell Mom.
We're musketeers!
You look more like mouseketeers to me.
With the little ears and everything.
Don't push it, Fonz.
'Tis better to keep a civil tongue in thy head.
You know, Myron you're a clown.
Rocco.
Excuse me.
(slow rock and roll melody plays on jukebox)
Dance, Count?
I hear minstrels.
It's the night before the derby.
Most of the combatants are out on the dance floor.
It's like the calm before the storm.
(music stops)
This could be the storm.
All right, listen up.
There is an announcement here.
The itinerary of drivers has been changed.
Pinky, you drive with me.
(crowd cheering and applauding)
Oh, thank you, Lord, thank you.
(music resumes)
No more jokes about Tonto.
Never.
You have just witnessed an historic moment.
Pinky Tuscadero has been named
to be the first woman driver in the Demolition Derby.
We'll talk to her now and see how she feels.
We'll interview that history-making couple later.
A sweetheart ♪
Sends a letter ♪
Of good-bye ♪
It's getting late.
What do you want to do now?
It's no secret ♪
All right.
Yeah, but first we've gotta give
Cunningham his interview, huh?
(sighs)
Oh great, all right, okay.
Let's go, come on, guys.
Come on, get the camera in position, okay?
All right.
Come on.
Get over here.
Okay.
All right.
This is Richie Cunningham in an exclusive interview
with Arthur Fonzarelli and Pinky Tuscadero,
and I got it for you, boy.
I stayed up all night for this thing.
Uh, tell me, Fonzie,
aren't you concerned about the Mallachi brothers?
They have a reputation
for being unscrupulous and devious.
Hey, I don't know about that; I just know they cheat.
Well, uh, aren't you worried
that the Mallachi brothers will try and do something
to keep you out of the derby?
Yeah, so I'm taking precautions.
I got my car at your house being guarded by your parents,
and this lovely young lady's car is at my garage,
being guarded by two very good personal friends.
Hey, if Pinky retires
Yeah? I could become the star
and we'll get you another Pinkette.
Why you? Well, red hair.
Yeah, they're gonna call you Reddy?
Hi, girls!
Look at this. Whoa! Call Fonzie!
Yeah. Oh, why call him?
You'll see him at the party.
What party? Are you sure?
Oh, it's a it's a big party!
It needs your sparkling personalities.
Oh! Fonzie sent me to get you.
Yeah, yeah! (Giggling)
Look, Alfred, just send Fonzie over here
as soon as you see him,
all right?
Yeah, well-well somebody wrecked Pinky's car
smashed up the whole engine.
I think it was the Mallachis.
RICHIE: They painted a big red "M"
on the side of the car.
No, no, don't tell Fonzie that.
No, just-just send him over here.
Okay.
We've gotta keep Fonzie calm. Calm?
He's gonna come in here and go berserk!
Gotta use psychology.
Very tricky psychology.
(tires squealing, engine rumbling)
Oh no, that's Fonzie!
Okay, now what do we do, Rich?
We shove all this stuff under the hood!
That's psychology?
You let me do all the talking with Fonzie.
I've handled him all the other times he's been upset.
All right, you do all the talking.
All right, yeah, put that down,
put the hood down Ralph, come on,
and just act natural, all right?
Just act nat
Holding a fan is not acting natural!
Oh, my gosh!
Lads, lads, lads.
Oh, hi, Fonz.
How are you?
Great day for the derby, huh, Fonz?
Fonzie's here, Ralph.
Hi, Fonz. You're here.
Beautiful day, huh, Fonz?
Yeah, it's a beautiful day
?
Anything. Right, everything. Anything.
Listen, now, I'm gonna get in that car, right?
So get out of the way, I want to warm up the engine.
RICHIE: There's something I gotta tell you, Fonz.
Uh
Fonze, uh, something unexpected has happened, see?
And it's important that you keep an open mind.
Do you believe in destiny?
Is this gonna be a religious talk?
It's not a religious talk.
Hey, hey, hey, this is not funny here.
This car don't start.
Well, just remember:
"To forgive is divine."
Sorry, Pinky. We're sorry.
We're sorry. We're sorry.
My two aces are blowing it.
They're going to a party with Rocco
instead of guarding my car.
What's wrong with this, Pink?
It doesn't start. Hey, Fonze, don't
don't look under that hood, okay? No. No.
Get off that hood!
Don't look under there.
No! No!
(all shouting at once)
Hey!
All right, now we all saw what just happened
and, uh, I know exactly what to do.
All right, Malph, get over here.
I want you and Potsie
to get me a gallon of pink paint.
RALPH: Right, Fonz. POTSIE: Right, Fonz.
All right, Tina, Lola, get over here.
All right now, listen
I want you to go to Pfister's Emporium,
I want you to get me a tire, standard size;
I want you to get me points and plugs, dig it?
Oh, we're sorry, Fonz, really.
Are you mad at us?
Well, what you did was wrong,
but like they say, to forgive is what?
Divine. Divine!
Thank you.
All right, Richie, get over here. Right.
I want you to tell your father
to stall the beginning of the derby for as long as he can.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna get him to disqualify the Mallachis.
No, don't disqualify 'em.
I'm gonna take care of 'em in the derby.
Fonz, I don't know if I can leave you at a time like this.
Like what? Well, you're obviously very upset.
They wrecked the car I'm
afraid you're gonna go out there,
try and get revenge Richie!
I'm gonna be just fine, will you get out of here?
Fonz, I am proud of you.
It is amazing how calm you are
under these circumstances. Hey, Richie
Richie, I asked your father to stall, not you.
Oh, you want me to go? Yeah.
I'm going, Fonz.
You think you can fix this in time for the derby?
I'll fix it.
Pretty Eyes, you're amazing.
No man alive
could have handled a disaster like this.
You know something?
You are the coolest.
Yeah. The coolest.
Yeah, I know, man, I
I am cool.
But I'm losing it!
Wait!
I got it back.
?
.
Absolutely impossible, Richard.
Do you know what you're asking of me?
Dad, you have to stall.
Look, do you want to have a derby with no Fonzie?
You're asking me, an unarmed man,
to get up in front of that Demolition Derby crowd,
people who have probably eaten raw meat for breakfast,
and say "Sorry, we have to delay the derby."
Is that the way you picture it?
Well, I thought you'd start off
by telling a few jokes.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Yeah, jokes are good. Yeah.
How about this one?
How did the moron get involved with the Demolition Derby?
I don't know, Dad. How?
His son talked him into it.
I never heard that one.
Richard, this is all your fault.
The Leopards should have had a picnic, just like always.
Now, that's fun stuff!
We had softball games and sack races.
You remember the time your mother sat
in the potato salad, huh?
That's fun stuff!
Dad, those are bygone days.
Now, come on, are you gonna stall or not?
Well, okay, I guess I've got no choice.
Oh, great. I'll try to stall.
I just hope my insurance is paid up.
Well, we'll all help you stall.
I'll lengthen my starter speech.
Marion, all you're gonna say is,
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
I'll stutter.
Why are you bringing a hair dryer?
Fonzie asked for it.
He said he'd need it against the Mallachis.
Well, I knew they were mean,
but I didn't think they'd mess up people's hair.
I'm gonna have to get over to the field.
But, Dad, listen,
I think you should tell a few jokes.
Uh, especially that one
about the nearsighted ostrich with the hat.
That one always knocks 'em dead.
Richard Yeah?
Go to the field Uh-huh?
And sit on it.
What, the nearsighted ostrich with the hat?
I don't know that one.
You never will, dear, it's a smut joke.
Mom, I'll tell you in the car.
You'll love it! You'll love it!
POTSIE: O, beautiful for spacious skies ♪
For amber waves of grain ♪
For purple mountains' majesty ♪
(feedback squeals)
Above the fruited plain ♪
America, America ♪
God shed his grace on thee ♪
And crown thy good with brotherhood ♪
From sea to shining sea. ♪
(cheering and applause)
That was Potsie Weber with "America the Beautiful."
(cheering, whistling and applause)
Hey, hey, who's gonna have some pizza?
Come on folks, be happy, be happy.
The Pinkettes have performed
for 20 minutes longer than they were supposed to,
now what am I gonna do?
You're gonna have to think of something.
You're the chairman. All right, all right.
I'll-I'll think of something.
I know what I'm gonna do.
Uh-uh, folks?
We're gonna be ready to start in-in just a few minutes.
But first, uh,
did you hear the one about the nearsighted ostrich?
Oh, Howard, not that one.
I'm desperate, Marion.
Hey, sweetie,
did you know I'm a backup driver?
I could be in the derby any minute.
So, I'll be your backup boyfriend.
Howard, you're gonna be in big trouble
if you don't stop drinking all that soda.
You get nervous and excited,
and you have to go to the bathroom all the time.
We're all gonna be in big trouble, Marion,
if Fonzie doesn't show up pretty soon.
Why do you say that?
HOWARD: That's why, Marion.
ROCCO: Hey, let's get started.
Hey you, with the tiger on your head.
It's a leopard on my head.
A tiger, no problem. Same jungle.
I just know that Fonzie's gonna show up.
Give him five more minutes,
and then I'll I'll wave the flag.
COUNT: Press on, huh?
Yeah, let's go, huh?
HOWARD: I'll be right back, Marion.
In the meantime, you pray thee for me.
RICHIE: Over here is the spot where Pinky would be
if Pinky was here.
And on this side of the ring,
the spot where Fonzie will be if he shows up.
And on this side of the ring, we have
(drumroll) Boo Boo Fox
and next to him, his partner,
a local favorite, Mad Man Mahocky.
On the other side
of the ring we have Filthy Marvin
and his partner, No Nose Quirk.
Good luck, No Nose.
(chuckles)
No Nose, Boo Boo
makes me think I got a dull name.
But, th-that's a story in itself.
Hi, girls.
I'm Ralph "the Flash" Malph.
I'm a driver here at the derby.
I guess you're pretty impressed.
They don't understand drivers.
And next, we have the diabolical Count Mallachi,
and his brother Rocco.
(booing)
Let the pigeons loose!
We have no pigeons.
RICHIE: That's the end of the introductions.
While we're waiting for some of the activities to begin,
let's go over the rules of team Demolition Derby.
Each team is made up of two cars
and their, and their drivers
uh, driving in a marked, circled area.
The object of the contest is to slam into the others' cars
until they're out of operation.
The winner is the last car that can still move.
All drivers must wear seat belts and helmets
(engine roaring, tires squealing)
(cheering)
He's here! Fonzie's here!
Yes, it's car number seven, Pinky Tuscadero,
and Arthur Fonzarelli in car number six.
He showed up, ladies and gentlemen, just as I expected.
Fonzie did it. He fixed Pinky's car.
Woo-hoo!
Pinky, it goes with your hair.
Oh, it's just beautiful!
Hey, thanks for busting up Pinky's car.
Sir Fonzo of the Milwaukee,
and his lovely maiden Pinky of the derriere.
What's a derriere? Trust me.
Let's get on with this here.
Adieu.
Now, look, Marion, are you sure
you know what you're gonna say?
Course I do: Gentlemen, start your engines.
That's perfect.
(applause, cheering)
Hey, Myron, we're ready to go.
Never let "Myron" pass thy lips,
least my fist shall smash thy face.
Right Count. Count.
Pinky, where is your helmet?
I don't like a helmet.
It's not me you know that.
Let's go.
Oh, that chick has got to learn.
You got to learn.
Now we'd like to take you to the grandstand,
where Howard Cunningham, the chairman
of the Leopard Lodge Demolition Derby,
is waiting to start the big event.
Howard?
Ladies and gentlemen,
here is your lovely starter,
Marion Cunningham.
(cheering, whooping)
(laughing nervously)
Uh
Gentlemen, start your junk!
(echoing): Oh, Howard
(engines starting)
Count. I said Count.
He can't remember Count?
And now we're ready for the derby to begin.
We'll be right back after this message.
Oh, Howard, I'm sorry.
Start your junk Marion
Well, you forget it.
Just-just-just wave the flag, huh? Okay.
Wave, wave No, no, Marion
Drop it! I'm sorry.
Let loose the pigeons.
RICHIE: With the drop of the flag, the derby begins.
(crashing, metal screeching)
All right, Pinky, that a girl, go get them!
(whooping)
(tires screeching)
Not bad, not bad.
Hey, Mom should see us now, huh?
.
Watch out, sweetheart. (Gasps)
.
PINKY: I took the hit for you, Fonz.
Why'd you do that, Pinky?
I'd do anything for you, you know that.
That a girl, Pinky, that's why I love you!
You sure they won't be hurt?
Marion, they're wearing helmets,
and they got seat belts,
and they wear padded suits.
As long as they stay in the cars,
they won't get hurt.
Oh, boy, I'll tell you, I'm in my element now.
(crashing)
I'm gonna get that guy, the Fonz.
(screaming)
Oh, that was a bad one.
How am I doing in my rear? Tell me, how am I doing?
Watch out!
Wahoo!
This is Pinky's day, honey.
(groaning)
(crashing, tires screeching)
.
Come on, Pinky!
And Pinky hits Lefty a good jolt.
She's a great driver, ladies and gentlemen.
She can do it all.
Look at them go! (Laughs)
Hey, come on.
Oh, knave, thou dare toucheth me?
I'll touch you get outta here!
(gasps)
The Mallachi Crunch in reverse.
Wow! You just saw it yourself, ladies and gentlemen.
That's the Mallachi Crunch.
Now you know why they're known
as the terrors of the demolition derby.
(tires screeching) Look out, Count, it's the Fonz!
Give 'em another shot, Fonzie!
(screaming, cheering)
Whoa! Missed him on that one.
(crowd shouting)
Come on, let's go.
All right, Count, start counting.
Well done, Sir Fonzie.
(crashing)
All right, we got 'em huh, Pinky?
(whoops) The Mallachi Crunch coming up.
Fonzie's car is stalled.
The Mallachis are set up for the Crunch.
Yeah?
(engine revving)
And now I'm not stalled.
.
!
.
(laughing): Fonzie escaped the Mallachi Crunch.
Boy, those nerds never learn, huh?
(crashing)
(cars crashing, banging loudly)
(crowd screaming)
(crashing)
.
And with that crash, flagman Potsie Weber
is on the field, waving his yellow flag.
You remember Potsie he sang "America The Beautiful."
s
.
.
(mouthing words)
There are many fascinating human interest stories
which go on behind the scenes at this derby.
We'd like to talk to Alfred of Arnold's Restaurant
and see how he feels about these delays.
You're on the air.
Hi, I'm Alfred of Arnold's.
And how do you feel about these delays?
Hi, I'm Alfred of Arnold's.
n
.
It looks like Lefty Banducci is stalled.
ROCCO: Here's some flour for you, sonny.
!
.
Is that fair?
In a demolition derby, Marion, everything is fair.
They gotta crunch again they are boring.
(groaning)
Come on, Fonzie, go!
I'm going.
Whoo!
Whoa, what a hit.
Rocco's going to try
the flour trick on Fonzie.
Fonzie, I have some fine flour for you.
,
.
That's not fair!
Oh, you little devil.
How about that, ladies and gentlemen?
Fonzie beat the Mallachis at their own game.
.
Wow!
You told me we were going to have
a nice close-up place look how far we are.
There it is, folks.
We have another break in the action.
.
ROCCO: Let's shake up that Potsie kid!
(screaming)
The flag goes up, and the contest continues.
(tires screeching)
(whooping)
Come on, Pinky!
(tires squealing, cars crashing)
We're definitely too close!
(yells)
,
ladies and gentlemen.
Fonzie and Pinky are squaring off
against the Mallachi brothers,
,
.
e
.
I'm sure the Mallachis will try and get them in a crunch.
Are you ready, sweetheart?
Because we're gonna get into this big crunch now.
Now, you keep communications open
and you protect your nose.
Hey, sweetheart,
I am serious I'm talking about the nose of your car.
You know, you've got the prettiest little eyes.
(loud smooch)
You know, you show the best taste, huh?
Are you ready?
Darling, I was born ready.
Oh, man, I like your style.
You shall take the fair maiden,
and I shall take the gallant knight.
Right!
Which one do I have?
The girl in the pink, the pink car!
I got the girl! I got the girl!
Let's go, and just be careful, huh?
I want you in one piece.
Whoo! All right, let's get 'em, huh?
All right.
x
y
.
(screaming, cheering)
Oh oh
MAN: Go get 'em!
I got the pink one!
All right, Pinky, watch him, watch him.
Hello, Pinky! Take this!
Hey!
BOTH: Come on, Pinky!
o
.
I'm on his tail, I'm on his tail.
Look out, you dirty
(laughing)
Fonzarelli just missed a close one there, folks.
Hey, look at Pinky move. All right.
Watch out for the Crunch.
I saw him, I saw him.
Whoa, there, easy!
(laughing)
All right, watch your left, watch your left.
(crowd cheering, all talking excitedly)
There she is! I got her!
(tires squealing)
I missed her. All right, I'll get her.
Whoa!
Oh, Pretty Eyes, Pretty Eyes.
I can't see those eyes through the dust.
(crashing)
(crashing) Take that!
Ah, so fun!
Oh, that was a good one.
Well done once again!
Be careful, Pinky, be careful.
I'm going back at her, Myron.
(tires squealing)
(horn honks, Pinky groans)
Oh, she took a bad hit from Rocco.
Oh, it looks like Pinky's car is stalled.
.
What are you doing, Pinky?
Fonz, I'm stuck.
Ah, fair Pinky
the Mallachi Crunch.
.
No, no, no. No!
Pinky, watch it!
(crashing)
Pinky!
(screaming) POTSIE: Come on!
Oh, I didn't know she'd be out on there. (Siren wailing)
.
.
.
.
Back off, will you? Give her some air!
(groaning) Hey, look at me, look at me.
How are you?
Oh, I'm all right it wasn't high. Yeah, yeah.
You better let the doc check you out, all right?
Oh, I wanted us to win.
Hey, don't worry about it, us will win.
(groans, gasps)
Kill 'em, winner.
Yeah, thanks.
All right, listen, you look after Pinky, huh?
I'll take care of the Mallachis, huh?
All right, you be careful with her.
All right, here, take her.
FONZIE: Easy
Easy.
,
,
.
(engine starts)
Did you see that look on Fonzie's face?
RICHIE: Fonzie is really angry!
Fonzie, are you all right?
(siren wailing)
I've never seen such determination.
Well, I just hope determination is enough,
because it's still two against one.
(engine starting)
This is for you, Pinky.
Good-bye gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rockin' and rollin' all week long ♪
These days are ours ♪
These days are ours ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪
Ready to race to you ♪
These days are ours ♪
These days are ours ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rocking and rolling all week long ♪
(saxophone solo plays over rhythmic hand claps)
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Groovin' all week with you ♪
These days are ours ♪
These days are ours ♪
These happy days ♪
Are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours ♪
! ♪
.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
and all the ships at sea.
How was that?
How many guys are trying out
for the announcer's job, Richie?
About 15, but they're all honor students.
Do you think I'll get it?
Do you know what a fat chance is?
Oh, save some roast beef for your father, dear.
He'll be home any minute.
Oh, did he get hung up at the Leopard Lodge again?
Yes, he's working very hard
being chairman of the Leopard's Demolition Derby.
So be nice to your father; He's tired.
Oh, I will, but then can I go
over to Ginny Pickalow's house?
Yes, yes, of course.
Good.
Hark, hark, the chairman of the Demolition Derby is home.
And have I got something to show you.
Yeah, congratulations, Dad.
I'll see you later, all right? Yeah, I'm happy too.
Well, I'll be on my way.
No, no, no, wait a minute.
Come on, now, everybody sit down.
I got something very big to share with you.
Right here, in this box,
is one of the highlights of my life.
Oh, let me see.
Is there a picture of you with your tummy all tucked in?
You're gonna do fat jokes in the
middle of a man's highlights?
I'm sorry.
It happens to be the publicity leaflet
for the Demolition Derby.
"The Leopard's First Annual Team Demolition Derby
"will be held next Tuesday at Pfister National Park.
"It will feature great demolition drivers
"like Arthur Fonzarelli and his partner Nookie Newman,
"and the" Dad, we know that.
Would you be patient?
Go on, Howard.
Okay. "Now, to kick off the derby",
"the Leopards present a driving
exhibition by Pinky Tuscadero,
the world's greatest female cyclist, and her Pinkettes."
Oh, she is marvelous.
I just can't wait to see her do those Poppa wheelies
and those wild jumps.
(imitates engine revving)
Dad, Fonzie and Pinky are old friends.
HOWARD: Yeah.
"All proceeds" I think Fonzie's
looking forward to seeing her.
"All proceeds" Yeah.
He got four of his T-shirts pressed.
Do you mind?
Oh, go ahead, Dad. Oh, go ahead.
This is very interesting, dear. We're waiting.
"All proceeds of the Demolition Derby go to charity.
"The entire event is sponsored
by the Milwaukee Leopard Lodge.
Chairman of the event, Leopard Howard Cunningham."
Oh, that's great.
Well, I'm going to Ginny's.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Dad.
I'll read it later, okay?
That's wonderful.
JOANIE: Oh, hope you get the job, Richie.
What later?
t
never walk out on Robert Young.
Hey, Fonz.
Need some help, Fonz?
Hey, listen, you guys,
will you please stick to the stand?
It takes you an hour to knock in one solitary nail.
I hurt my thumb.
Oh, yeah?
You want me to kiss that boo-boo?
Good evening, gentlemen, and all the ships at sea.
All right, Richie got the TV job!
Yeah, I got it! Okay!
Yeah. Great.
All right, all right, listen to this.
Flash, this is Rick Cunningham
bringing you the Demolition Derby live on WZAZ-TV.
(chuckles) Okay.
Rick?
You don't like Rick?
Is your father's name Ozzie?
Yeah, right.
Scratch Rick.
Oh, oh, Fonz, I got a message for you.
Well, bring it over here.
Pinky was over at the station,
and she said she was going to be
by later with the Pinkettes.
Oh, that's great. Thanks a lot.
Yeah oh, oh, right, right, pictures.
I got another message for you.
You're a regular little courier pigeon, aren't you?
No, no, see, they're, they're letting me
do this special feature on all the derby drivers.
I need a good picture of you.
Well, I got some pictures inside.
Well, now, it's got to be a very good one.
Hey, could this face take a bad picture?
Oh, no, I guess not.
This is Richie Cunningham
You want to get in here?
Oh (motorcycles approaching)
Hey, the Pinkettes are here already. Yeah, yeah.
Let old Malph handle this.
Okay. Do I look okay? Yeah, perfect.
Hiya, guys.
Hi. Hi, girls.
Hi. RALPH: You must be the Pinkettes, huh?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Is that Pinky's bike?
Well, it's not Blackie's.
Okay. Go ahead.
(clears throat)
Hi, girls. (Chuckles)
I'm a singer.
You're boring.
Oh, you've already met Potsie.
Hey, I love singers.
Yeah? Mm-hmm.
Hey, uh, I'm going to be singing "America the Beautiful."
Ah.
Oh, beautiful ♪
For spacious skies ♪
I've heard it. Oh.
Hi, Red.
Hi, Red. (Chuckles)
You know, uh, I'm one of
the funniest guys in the neighborhood.
Oh.
Funny guys aren't romantic.
Oh wait a minute don't go.
I'm only funny with the guys; With you, I'd be real serious.
You know, I'm a very serious driver.
Oh. (Chuckles)
I like drivers.
You do? Mm.
Well, let's talk, maybe we'll find something in common.
(giggles)
(both moan)
(snapping fingers)
(snapping rhythmically)
Hey, Fonz.
Guess who?
Hiya, Pinky.
M-wah!
Long time.
Yeah, a little too long.
Uh-huh.
How you been?
Well, not a hair out of place.
Was there ever?
How you?
(chuckles)
(snaps)
Uh
I was sort of hoping you could check out my "sickle."
(snaps)
Oh, yeah.
I'll, uh, I'll check over your "sickle."
You know, I want you to be sure and look over,
uh, the points, uh, the pistons.
Sure.
Up, down, all around.
It's a little warm in here.
(slow, mellow, rock 'n' roll melody plays)
MALE VOCALISTS: Boom, boom, boom ♪
Boom-boom-boom ♪
Waah-ah ♪
Waah-ah ♪
Wah, ah ♪
Ah, ah ♪
Doo ♪
Doo-doo, doo ♪
Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Ee-ooh ♪
Doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
Doo, doo, doo ♪
Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Doo-wah ♪
)
(rock 'n' roll playing, rhythmic clapping)
Well, you're all 16 ♪
You're all beautiful, and you're all mine. ♪
(scatting)
(music fades, applause)
Thank you.
I was supposed to be a driver, but I got hurt.
But I can play.
(plays riff)
Come on, Ralph, you're not hurt, you're just faking it.
Ah, well, we certainly are looking forward
to having you for dinner tomorrow night, Miss Tuscadero.
I mean, it's a great honor
to have the guest star
of the Demolition Derby in our home.
Well, Fonzie and I would be happy to come,
but you got to call me Pinky.
Oh, I can't wait for Tuesday
when you do those Poppa wheelies.
(imitates revving engine)
Marion, you've got to stop hanging around Fonzie.
(giggles)
You got some old lady.
(snaps) Later.
You got some old lady.
(snaps) Later.
Joanie!
Later?
RICHIE: Al, come here for a minute.
Yeah.
Come here. Listen. Okay.
It was really swell of you to throw this party
kicking off the derby and everything.
Oh, it's nothing.
I think you ought to make a little welcoming speech, huh?
No, I don't like to do that.
Oh, the gang would love to hear from you, Al.
But I'm too shy.
I'll-I'll introduce you.
(chuckles): No, don't, don't do that.
Well, okay.
Do it.
And make it humble.
Okay, right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to hear a nice round of applause for the man
who made this evening possible.
He supplied all the free pizza and the free soda pop,
so let's hear it for a nice guy Al.
(cheering, applause)
Don't. Oh, no.
Don't, don't, don't do it.
(chuckles)
Well, everybody enjoy.
Isn't Alfred cute?
Arnold is cute.
Alfred is humble. And Italian.
What's wrong, Fonz?
(all chattering)
All right, that's it.
I'm not in the derby anymore.
Why? Why? Why? What happened?
Because my partner, Nookie Newman,
just broke his leg jumping out of a motel window!
Ah, no! No!
Terrible. Well, Fonz, you know,
I'd drive, but I'm hurt, too. Yeah.
(all groaning) I am, I'm hurt, look.
All right, all right, all right.
Listen, I got to think this out.
Everybody just get out of here.
Come on, Shortcake, get out.
Oh, Fonz, I'm sorry.
Yeah, now I got to find a substitute driver.
I happen to know the perfect person
Pinky Tuscadero.
Hey, that's very nice.
I'm low, you're making a nice joke.
That's very nice.
What kind of joke? This is my shot
to be the first woman in the derby.
A woman in the derby?
I got a problem, and you're giving me silly suggestions.
Ralph, you're driving with me.
What?! ALL: Yay!
No yay. No, no yay.
Fonz, Fonz, I can't drive. I'm hurt.
Now, listen, you're faking it.
I'm going to make you famous.
Well, then, I'll hurt myself, I promise.
Somebody, hurt me!
All right, all right, look, I tell you,
you're going to drive with me, and that is it!
Now stop babbling, make some music for me, will you?
All right.
It's okay, Ralph. It's okay.
Dance.
Hey, why don't you dance with Ralph?
He's your partner.
Pinkettes, split!
Ralph?
Ralph is clumsy!
You know, it's too bad you two had to split up.
Joanie.
I hope you like tapioca, Pinky.
Oh, I love tapioca.
I haven't seen that since I was at the convent.
The convent?
Yeah.
Were you a nun?
Did they make you shave your head?
That's not a polite question.
Did they?
I wasn't a nun.
I just lived there.
Well, how come you lived in a convent?
Now, this all might be private, dear.
I'd like to know, too, Marion.
It's not so private.
You know, my mother and father split up when I was a kid.
You know, D-I-V-0-R-C-E.
Divorce.
Well, my mother couldn't handle it,
so she dropped me off at the sisters'.
Oh, that's too bad.
Nah. Are you kidding? I loved it.
But 18 years old, either you become a nun, or you leave.
You know, split. (Whistles)
It's just amazing how much you and Fonzie have in common.
Ah, forget it he wouldn't even let me in the derby.
.
I mean, you're the guest star.
You're-You're leading off the show
with your motorcycle tricks.
Not as a driver.
RICHIE: Hi, folks. We're home.
Oh, you're just in time for dessert.
Tapioca.
We'll give you some ice cream.
Dad, uh Hmm?
Will you come upstairs with me for a minute?
I haven't finished my dessert yet.
Well, you can finish it upstairs, Dad.
What are you doing?
Well, we have to talk. Talk about what?
I-I don't know. The birds and the bees.
Oh, Richard, we already had that talk.
Yeah, and you didn't learn much.
See, uh
There, uh, seems to be a little tension between us here.
Oh, you noticed?
I had a long talk
with Richie about our misunderstanding.
What did the announcer say?
Well, in between his "huh-huh-huh's"
he said that he thinks
I should let you drive in the derby, or you're going
to get into a huff, and you're going to walk out.
You know, redheads are just born geniuses.
On the other hand,
I don't think you should be in the derby.
I have spoken.
That's that.
You know, you got the prettiest eyes.
Come on now.
I don't want any more fighting here, all right?
Come on.
All right, all right. Hmm? Hmm?
You got it, you got it.
I still think you're wrong, though.
Why am I (shuddering)
Is Ralph a better driver than me?
Ralph can't find reverse.
You think when the action starts
that I will panic under pressure?
Hey, Pinky, you know I know that you're cool.
Then give me one good reason why I'm not your partner.
The Lone Ranger.
Was Tonto a girl?
Oh, I don't know.
He wore a feather.
Hey, don't you joke
about Tonto!
I'm telling you something.
There are always two guys that's right.
Batman and Robin, uh, the Green Hornet and Kato,
Even Gene Autry had a boy horse Champion!
Roy Rogers and Dale Evans!
Singers! You're giving me singers!
I'm talking about adventurers, I'm talking about heroes,
I'm talking about men
that made this country what it is today!
Do you think that I, the Fonz,
can break the tradition by putting a woman in a derby?
You know what I'm saying?
Do you know what I'm saying?
No, I do not know what you're saying!
That's because pink is fuzzing your brain!
Yeah, I ought to have it examined
for hanging around with you, boy!
Ooh! Women!
I was moving and a-groovin' whoo! ♪
We was a-reelin' with the feelin' ♪
Hah! We was a-rollin' and a-strollin' ♪
Movin' with the groovin' ♪
Splish, splash ♪
Yeah! ♪
(cheering and applause)
Thanks, Pinky.
Hey, next time let's try a fast number, huh?
Yeah.
RALPH: Richie?
Rich! Hi, Ralph.
How's your neck? Better. Listen to me.
I just saw the Mallachi brothers outside.
The Mallachi brothers?
Hey, they're great drivers.
They're favored to win the derby, you know.
You don't seem to understand.
I'm in big danger.
I know, they're mean.
Hey, we ought to get an interview with them.
The public loves violence.
Richie, you're not listening to me.
Those guys might hurt me.
Oh, look at this. This is wild.
One time in Cicero, the Mallachis destroyed 27 cars
with the famous Mallachi Crunch.
Only half the cars were actually in the derby.
I know I know all about it.
They're outside wrecking cars in the parking lot right now.
Oh, it's Rocco Mallachi!
It's Rocco Mallachi!
Hello, Roc.
Hello.
Well, will the owner of the car, license plate number.
B-4-9-3-6 please raise your hand?
Your lights are on.
That could have been my face!
Uh, Rocco? Rocco Mallachi?
I'm Richie Cunningham from WZAZ-TV, and, uh
and we'd like to do a little interview with you.
Oh, yeah, uh, just wait a second.
Wait for my brother to come, Count Mallachi.
Hey, Count Mallachi, come on in here.
Count Mallachi?
Yeah, he likes to be called Count Mallachi.
He thinks he's the Gorgeous George of demolition derbies.
I have arrived.
Let the pigeons loose!
Sorry, Count, we're out of pigeons.
How about some turkey or chicken salad?
You think I'm funny, pickle nose?
No. Have a free slice of pizza.
Or better yet, take it all.
Let me ask you something.
Why does he talk like that?
Not that there's anything wrong with it.
.
Oh, lo and behold.
It is the fair Pinky of the derriere.
Attend to me, fair maiden, and I will sing to thee
from my book of songs and sonnets.
Hey, why don't you go sing into a bucket?
(laughs)
Clever, but very dangerous.
MAN: Hi, Fonz!
WOMAN 2: Here comes Fonzie!
WOMAN: Hi, Fonzie.
Hey, Count, did you say sonnets?
Attend to me, maiden.
Sit thee down upon my fair knee.
RICHIE: All right,
we're on the air.
We're live at Arnold's,
and we're expecting an interview
with Arthur Fonzarelli at any moment now.
Here comes Fonzie.
Fonz, I'd like
Bad time for an interview, folks.
Hey Fonz, Fonz, I found a guy.
He wants to drive with you.
Not now, Malph, not now.
Ah, comrade, it has been a long time, huh?
Not long enough, Myron.
He don't like you to call him that.
.
Ah, tush, an exception for an old friend.
Mm.
Do I detect a note of ill will in the air?
Uh, someone in this room does not think
that I am good enough to drive in the derby.
Fiddle-ee-dee, thou shall drive with me.
If he keeps kissing your arm like that,
you're going to have to get a shot for rabies.
I'll ride with you, Count.
'Tis settled then.
Rocco, you're out.
I-I'm your brother.
I'll tell Mom.
We're musketeers!
You look more like mouseketeers to me.
With the little ears and everything.
Don't push it, Fonz.
'Tis better to keep a civil tongue in thy head.
You know, Myron you're a clown.
Rocco.
Excuse me.
(slow rock and roll melody plays on jukebox)
Dance, Count?
I hear minstrels.
It's the night before the derby.
Most of the combatants are out on the dance floor.
It's like the calm before the storm.
(music stops)
This could be the storm.
All right, listen up.
There is an announcement here.
The itinerary of drivers has been changed.
Pinky, you drive with me.
(crowd cheering and applauding)
Oh, thank you, Lord, thank you.
(music resumes)
No more jokes about Tonto.
Never.
You have just witnessed an historic moment.
Pinky Tuscadero has been named
to be the first woman driver in the Demolition Derby.
We'll talk to her now and see how she feels.
We'll interview that history-making couple later.
A sweetheart ♪
Sends a letter ♪
Of good-bye ♪
It's getting late.
What do you want to do now?
It's no secret ♪
All right.
Yeah, but first we've gotta give
Cunningham his interview, huh?
(sighs)
Oh great, all right, okay.
Let's go, come on, guys.
Come on, get the camera in position, okay?
All right.
Come on.
Get over here.
Okay.
All right.
This is Richie Cunningham in an exclusive interview
with Arthur Fonzarelli and Pinky Tuscadero,
and I got it for you, boy.
I stayed up all night for this thing.
Uh, tell me, Fonzie,
aren't you concerned about the Mallachi brothers?
They have a reputation
for being unscrupulous and devious.
Hey, I don't know about that; I just know they cheat.
Well, uh, aren't you worried
that the Mallachi brothers will try and do something
to keep you out of the derby?
Yeah, so I'm taking precautions.
I got my car at your house being guarded by your parents,
and this lovely young lady's car is at my garage,
being guarded by two very good personal friends.
Hey, if Pinky retires
Yeah? I could become the star
and we'll get you another Pinkette.
Why you? Well, red hair.
Yeah, they're gonna call you Reddy?
Hi, girls!
Look at this. Whoa! Call Fonzie!
Yeah. Oh, why call him?
You'll see him at the party.
What party? Are you sure?
Oh, it's a it's a big party!
It needs your sparkling personalities.
Oh! Fonzie sent me to get you.
Yeah, yeah! (Giggling)
Look, Alfred, just send Fonzie over here
as soon as you see him,
all right?
Yeah, well-well somebody wrecked Pinky's car
smashed up the whole engine.
I think it was the Mallachis.
RICHIE: They painted a big red "M"
on the side of the car.
No, no, don't tell Fonzie that.
No, just-just send him over here.
Okay.
We've gotta keep Fonzie calm. Calm?
He's gonna come in here and go berserk!
Gotta use psychology.
Very tricky psychology.
(tires squealing, engine rumbling)
Oh no, that's Fonzie!
Okay, now what do we do, Rich?
We shove all this stuff under the hood!
That's psychology?
You let me do all the talking with Fonzie.
I've handled him all the other times he's been upset.
All right, you do all the talking.
All right, yeah, put that down,
put the hood down Ralph, come on,
and just act natural, all right?
Just act nat
Holding a fan is not acting natural!
Oh, my gosh!
Lads, lads, lads.
Oh, hi, Fonz.
How are you?
Great day for the derby, huh, Fonz?
Fonzie's here, Ralph.
Hi, Fonz. You're here.
Beautiful day, huh, Fonz?
Yeah, it's a beautiful day
?
Anything. Right, everything. Anything.
Listen, now, I'm gonna get in that car, right?
So get out of the way, I want to warm up the engine.
RICHIE: There's something I gotta tell you, Fonz.
Uh
Fonze, uh, something unexpected has happened, see?
And it's important that you keep an open mind.
Do you believe in destiny?
Is this gonna be a religious talk?
It's not a religious talk.
Hey, hey, hey, this is not funny here.
This car don't start.
Well, just remember:
"To forgive is divine."
Sorry, Pinky. We're sorry.
We're sorry. We're sorry.
My two aces are blowing it.
They're going to a party with Rocco
instead of guarding my car.
What's wrong with this, Pink?
It doesn't start. Hey, Fonze, don't
don't look under that hood, okay? No. No.
Get off that hood!
Don't look under there.
No! No!
(all shouting at once)
Hey!
All right, now we all saw what just happened
and, uh, I know exactly what to do.
All right, Malph, get over here.
I want you and Potsie
to get me a gallon of pink paint.
RALPH: Right, Fonz. POTSIE: Right, Fonz.
All right, Tina, Lola, get over here.
All right now, listen
I want you to go to Pfister's Emporium,
I want you to get me a tire, standard size;
I want you to get me points and plugs, dig it?
Oh, we're sorry, Fonz, really.
Are you mad at us?
Well, what you did was wrong,
but like they say, to forgive is what?
Divine. Divine!
Thank you.
All right, Richie, get over here. Right.
I want you to tell your father
to stall the beginning of the derby for as long as he can.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna get him to disqualify the Mallachis.
No, don't disqualify 'em.
I'm gonna take care of 'em in the derby.
Fonz, I don't know if I can leave you at a time like this.
Like what? Well, you're obviously very upset.
They wrecked the car I'm
afraid you're gonna go out there,
try and get revenge Richie!
I'm gonna be just fine, will you get out of here?
Fonz, I am proud of you.
It is amazing how calm you are
under these circumstances. Hey, Richie
Richie, I asked your father to stall, not you.
Oh, you want me to go? Yeah.
I'm going, Fonz.
You think you can fix this in time for the derby?
I'll fix it.
Pretty Eyes, you're amazing.
No man alive
could have handled a disaster like this.
You know something?
You are the coolest.
Yeah. The coolest.
Yeah, I know, man, I
I am cool.
But I'm losing it!
Wait!
I got it back.
?
.
Absolutely impossible, Richard.
Do you know what you're asking of me?
Dad, you have to stall.
Look, do you want to have a derby with no Fonzie?
You're asking me, an unarmed man,
to get up in front of that Demolition Derby crowd,
people who have probably eaten raw meat for breakfast,
and say "Sorry, we have to delay the derby."
Is that the way you picture it?
Well, I thought you'd start off
by telling a few jokes.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Yeah, jokes are good. Yeah.
How about this one?
How did the moron get involved with the Demolition Derby?
I don't know, Dad. How?
His son talked him into it.
I never heard that one.
Richard, this is all your fault.
The Leopards should have had a picnic, just like always.
Now, that's fun stuff!
We had softball games and sack races.
You remember the time your mother sat
in the potato salad, huh?
That's fun stuff!
Dad, those are bygone days.
Now, come on, are you gonna stall or not?
Well, okay, I guess I've got no choice.
Oh, great. I'll try to stall.
I just hope my insurance is paid up.
Well, we'll all help you stall.
I'll lengthen my starter speech.
Marion, all you're gonna say is,
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
I'll stutter.
Why are you bringing a hair dryer?
Fonzie asked for it.
He said he'd need it against the Mallachis.
Well, I knew they were mean,
but I didn't think they'd mess up people's hair.
I'm gonna have to get over to the field.
But, Dad, listen,
I think you should tell a few jokes.
Uh, especially that one
about the nearsighted ostrich with the hat.
That one always knocks 'em dead.
Richard Yeah?
Go to the field Uh-huh?
And sit on it.
What, the nearsighted ostrich with the hat?
I don't know that one.
You never will, dear, it's a smut joke.
Mom, I'll tell you in the car.
You'll love it! You'll love it!
POTSIE: O, beautiful for spacious skies ♪
For amber waves of grain ♪
For purple mountains' majesty ♪
(feedback squeals)
Above the fruited plain ♪
America, America ♪
God shed his grace on thee ♪
And crown thy good with brotherhood ♪
From sea to shining sea. ♪
(cheering and applause)
That was Potsie Weber with "America the Beautiful."
(cheering, whistling and applause)
Hey, hey, who's gonna have some pizza?
Come on folks, be happy, be happy.
The Pinkettes have performed
for 20 minutes longer than they were supposed to,
now what am I gonna do?
You're gonna have to think of something.
You're the chairman. All right, all right.
I'll-I'll think of something.
I know what I'm gonna do.
Uh-uh, folks?
We're gonna be ready to start in-in just a few minutes.
But first, uh,
did you hear the one about the nearsighted ostrich?
Oh, Howard, not that one.
I'm desperate, Marion.
Hey, sweetie,
did you know I'm a backup driver?
I could be in the derby any minute.
So, I'll be your backup boyfriend.
Howard, you're gonna be in big trouble
if you don't stop drinking all that soda.
You get nervous and excited,
and you have to go to the bathroom all the time.
We're all gonna be in big trouble, Marion,
if Fonzie doesn't show up pretty soon.
Why do you say that?
HOWARD: That's why, Marion.
ROCCO: Hey, let's get started.
Hey you, with the tiger on your head.
It's a leopard on my head.
A tiger, no problem. Same jungle.
I just know that Fonzie's gonna show up.
Give him five more minutes,
and then I'll I'll wave the flag.
COUNT: Press on, huh?
Yeah, let's go, huh?
HOWARD: I'll be right back, Marion.
In the meantime, you pray thee for me.
RICHIE: Over here is the spot where Pinky would be
if Pinky was here.
And on this side of the ring,
the spot where Fonzie will be if he shows up.
And on this side of the ring, we have
(drumroll) Boo Boo Fox
and next to him, his partner,
a local favorite, Mad Man Mahocky.
On the other side
of the ring we have Filthy Marvin
and his partner, No Nose Quirk.
Good luck, No Nose.
(chuckles)
No Nose, Boo Boo
makes me think I got a dull name.
But, th-that's a story in itself.
Hi, girls.
I'm Ralph "the Flash" Malph.
I'm a driver here at the derby.
I guess you're pretty impressed.
They don't understand drivers.
And next, we have the diabolical Count Mallachi,
and his brother Rocco.
(booing)
Let the pigeons loose!
We have no pigeons.
RICHIE: That's the end of the introductions.
While we're waiting for some of the activities to begin,
let's go over the rules of team Demolition Derby.
Each team is made up of two cars
and their, and their drivers
uh, driving in a marked, circled area.
The object of the contest is to slam into the others' cars
until they're out of operation.
The winner is the last car that can still move.
All drivers must wear seat belts and helmets
(engine roaring, tires squealing)
(cheering)
He's here! Fonzie's here!
Yes, it's car number seven, Pinky Tuscadero,
and Arthur Fonzarelli in car number six.
He showed up, ladies and gentlemen, just as I expected.
Fonzie did it. He fixed Pinky's car.
Woo-hoo!
Pinky, it goes with your hair.
Oh, it's just beautiful!
Hey, thanks for busting up Pinky's car.
Sir Fonzo of the Milwaukee,
and his lovely maiden Pinky of the derriere.
What's a derriere? Trust me.
Let's get on with this here.
Adieu.
Now, look, Marion, are you sure
you know what you're gonna say?
Course I do: Gentlemen, start your engines.
That's perfect.
(applause, cheering)
Hey, Myron, we're ready to go.
Never let "Myron" pass thy lips,
least my fist shall smash thy face.
Right Count. Count.
Pinky, where is your helmet?
I don't like a helmet.
It's not me you know that.
Let's go.
Oh, that chick has got to learn.
You got to learn.
Now we'd like to take you to the grandstand,
where Howard Cunningham, the chairman
of the Leopard Lodge Demolition Derby,
is waiting to start the big event.
Howard?
Ladies and gentlemen,
here is your lovely starter,
Marion Cunningham.
(cheering, whooping)
(laughing nervously)
Uh
Gentlemen, start your junk!
(echoing): Oh, Howard
(engines starting)
Count. I said Count.
He can't remember Count?
And now we're ready for the derby to begin.
We'll be right back after this message.
Oh, Howard, I'm sorry.
Start your junk Marion
Well, you forget it.
Just-just-just wave the flag, huh? Okay.
Wave, wave No, no, Marion
Drop it! I'm sorry.
Let loose the pigeons.
RICHIE: With the drop of the flag, the derby begins.
(crashing, metal screeching)
All right, Pinky, that a girl, go get them!
(whooping)
(tires screeching)
Not bad, not bad.
Hey, Mom should see us now, huh?
.
Watch out, sweetheart. (Gasps)
.
PINKY: I took the hit for you, Fonz.
Why'd you do that, Pinky?
I'd do anything for you, you know that.
That a girl, Pinky, that's why I love you!
You sure they won't be hurt?
Marion, they're wearing helmets,
and they got seat belts,
and they wear padded suits.
As long as they stay in the cars,
they won't get hurt.
Oh, boy, I'll tell you, I'm in my element now.
(crashing)
I'm gonna get that guy, the Fonz.
(screaming)
Oh, that was a bad one.
How am I doing in my rear? Tell me, how am I doing?
Watch out!
Wahoo!
This is Pinky's day, honey.
(groaning)
(crashing, tires screeching)
.
Come on, Pinky!
And Pinky hits Lefty a good jolt.
She's a great driver, ladies and gentlemen.
She can do it all.
Look at them go! (Laughs)
Hey, come on.
Oh, knave, thou dare toucheth me?
I'll touch you get outta here!
(gasps)
The Mallachi Crunch in reverse.
Wow! You just saw it yourself, ladies and gentlemen.
That's the Mallachi Crunch.
Now you know why they're known
as the terrors of the demolition derby.
(tires screeching) Look out, Count, it's the Fonz!
Give 'em another shot, Fonzie!
(screaming, cheering)
Whoa! Missed him on that one.
(crowd shouting)
Come on, let's go.
All right, Count, start counting.
Well done, Sir Fonzie.
(crashing)
All right, we got 'em huh, Pinky?
(whoops) The Mallachi Crunch coming up.
Fonzie's car is stalled.
The Mallachis are set up for the Crunch.
Yeah?
(engine revving)
And now I'm not stalled.
.
!
.
(laughing): Fonzie escaped the Mallachi Crunch.
Boy, those nerds never learn, huh?
(crashing)
(cars crashing, banging loudly)
(crowd screaming)
(crashing)
.
And with that crash, flagman Potsie Weber
is on the field, waving his yellow flag.
You remember Potsie he sang "America The Beautiful."
s
.
.
(mouthing words)
There are many fascinating human interest stories
which go on behind the scenes at this derby.
We'd like to talk to Alfred of Arnold's Restaurant
and see how he feels about these delays.
You're on the air.
Hi, I'm Alfred of Arnold's.
And how do you feel about these delays?
Hi, I'm Alfred of Arnold's.
n
.
It looks like Lefty Banducci is stalled.
ROCCO: Here's some flour for you, sonny.
!
.
Is that fair?
In a demolition derby, Marion, everything is fair.
They gotta crunch again they are boring.
(groaning)
Come on, Fonzie, go!
I'm going.
Whoo!
Whoa, what a hit.
Rocco's going to try
the flour trick on Fonzie.
Fonzie, I have some fine flour for you.
,
.
That's not fair!
Oh, you little devil.
How about that, ladies and gentlemen?
Fonzie beat the Mallachis at their own game.
.
Wow!
You told me we were going to have
a nice close-up place look how far we are.
There it is, folks.
We have another break in the action.
.
ROCCO: Let's shake up that Potsie kid!
(screaming)
The flag goes up, and the contest continues.
(tires screeching)
(whooping)
Come on, Pinky!
(tires squealing, cars crashing)
We're definitely too close!
(yells)
,
ladies and gentlemen.
Fonzie and Pinky are squaring off
against the Mallachi brothers,
,
.
e
.
I'm sure the Mallachis will try and get them in a crunch.
Are you ready, sweetheart?
Because we're gonna get into this big crunch now.
Now, you keep communications open
and you protect your nose.
Hey, sweetheart,
I am serious I'm talking about the nose of your car.
You know, you've got the prettiest little eyes.
(loud smooch)
You know, you show the best taste, huh?
Are you ready?
Darling, I was born ready.
Oh, man, I like your style.
You shall take the fair maiden,
and I shall take the gallant knight.
Right!
Which one do I have?
The girl in the pink, the pink car!
I got the girl! I got the girl!
Let's go, and just be careful, huh?
I want you in one piece.
Whoo! All right, let's get 'em, huh?
All right.
x
y
.
(screaming, cheering)
Oh oh
MAN: Go get 'em!
I got the pink one!
All right, Pinky, watch him, watch him.
Hello, Pinky! Take this!
Hey!
BOTH: Come on, Pinky!
o
.
I'm on his tail, I'm on his tail.
Look out, you dirty
(laughing)
Fonzarelli just missed a close one there, folks.
Hey, look at Pinky move. All right.
Watch out for the Crunch.
I saw him, I saw him.
Whoa, there, easy!
(laughing)
All right, watch your left, watch your left.
(crowd cheering, all talking excitedly)
There she is! I got her!
(tires squealing)
I missed her. All right, I'll get her.
Whoa!
Oh, Pretty Eyes, Pretty Eyes.
I can't see those eyes through the dust.
(crashing)
(crashing) Take that!
Ah, so fun!
Oh, that was a good one.
Well done once again!
Be careful, Pinky, be careful.
I'm going back at her, Myron.
(tires squealing)
(horn honks, Pinky groans)
Oh, she took a bad hit from Rocco.
Oh, it looks like Pinky's car is stalled.
.
What are you doing, Pinky?
Fonz, I'm stuck.
Ah, fair Pinky
the Mallachi Crunch.
.
No, no, no. No!
Pinky, watch it!
(crashing)
Pinky!
(screaming) POTSIE: Come on!
Oh, I didn't know she'd be out on there. (Siren wailing)
.
.
.
.
Back off, will you? Give her some air!
(groaning) Hey, look at me, look at me.
How are you?
Oh, I'm all right it wasn't high. Yeah, yeah.
You better let the doc check you out, all right?
Oh, I wanted us to win.
Hey, don't worry about it, us will win.
(groans, gasps)
Kill 'em, winner.
Yeah, thanks.
All right, listen, you look after Pinky, huh?
I'll take care of the Mallachis, huh?
All right, you be careful with her.
All right, here, take her.
FONZIE: Easy
Easy.
,
,
.
(engine starts)
Did you see that look on Fonzie's face?
RICHIE: Fonzie is really angry!
Fonzie, are you all right?
(siren wailing)
I've never seen such determination.
Well, I just hope determination is enough,
because it's still two against one.
(engine starting)
This is for you, Pinky.
Good-bye gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rockin' and rollin' all week long ♪
These days are ours ♪
These days are ours ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪