Mandy (2019) s04e01 Episode Script

1
This programme contains some
strong language from the start.
Oh, Mandy, well, you came
and you gave without taking
But I sent you away, oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and
stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy ♪
Well, you managed to
last all of 40 minutes
in your latest job as a dog food
taster. That's a new record.
-They wanted me to eat dog food!
-You're a taster.
How else are they going to
know what it tastes like?
Get dogs to taste it.
OK, Mandy, this is only the
latest in a series of jobs
that we've found for you, which
you've not been able to hold down.
OK? So I'm afraid I'm
only left with one option.
Since you now qualify
as long-term unemployed,
I'm afraid I'm going to have to
send you on a restart scheme.
-Oh, fucking hell, no!
-Please.
The scheme is aimed to
break down the barriers
that are holding you back
from gainful employment.
OK? If you do not attend, it
will affect your benefits.
The only valid reason not to
attend is a serious health issue.
And you don't seem to have
anything wrong with you.
I mean, not
physically, anyway.
I'll do anything rather
than the restart scheme.
-I'll go back to the dog food place.
-No, they won't have you back.
They say you stole 17 tins of
Gammon And Tripe For Senior Dogs.
Not denying that, then?
Right, it's 9am on
Monday morning. OK?
I'll email you the details.
Is your email address still
MandyFarter2@Tesco.net?
I couldn't get
Carter, it were taken.
Someone else beat
me to MandyFarter1.
-But you definitely wanted Farter?
-Yes. -Yes.
OK, well, you might want to
think about changing that
to something a bit
more professional.
OK? And, in fact, while
you're making changes,
you might want to think
about the image you project
to prospective employers.
Dress for the job you want, Mandy.
I'll see you on Monday, Mandy.
-You're doing the restart scheme?
-I am.
Oh, just when I thought my life
couldn't get any sodding worse.
Dress for the job you want,
Mandy. Dress for the job you want.
MUSIC: Oh, Pretty
Woman by Roy Orbison
Pretty woman ♪
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
Are you looking for
anything in particular?
Er, yeah. How much
is this jacket?
I'm not sure you'll be
able to afford that.
How do you know
what I can afford?!
That jacket's £700.
Can you afford that?
-No, I can't, no.
-No, you see, I didn't think you could,
because of what you're
currently wearing.
This is our bargain bin. You
might find something here,
but we don't actually
cater for prostitutes.
I'm not a prozzie,
you cheeky cow!
Oh, sorry! I just assumed
you were a prostitute.
You nasty bitch!
I were going to spend
thousands in here!
SHE SOBS
OK.
OK, well, um, look, thank you to
those of you who who made
-Oh, you're in 'ere.
-Yeah.
-I'll sit here, shall I?
-Quick as you can, please.
OK, well,
welcome, everyone.
Thanks for coming along.
-So, my name is Jason.
-Jason!
SHE LAUGHS
Who knew?
I'll be helping you to navigate
job-hunting in the 21st century.
Um, first of all, let's all get
to know each other a little bit.
Um, so what I'd like you to
do is introduce yourselves,
tell us your name, and then tell us
one interesting fact about yourself.
Who'd like to go first?
My name's Raymond. And, uh
-One interesting fact about yourself.
-Um
Um
Anything.
Um
Um
-Anything at all would be
-Um
-You ever won anything?
-Um
-No, I can't think.
-Nothing?
-No? - Can't think.
-OK. Um, yeah, next.
Uh, my name is Leonard Cosgrave,
and I just got divorced.
OK. And one interesting
fact about yourself.
-There was the interesting fact.
-The divorce.
-Next. -Paul.
-Yeah.
I did eight years in the nick
for killing my geography teacher.
-OK.
-Shanked him.
In! Twist! And out!
-Right.
-Never knew what hit him.
Last time he banged
on about oxbow lakes.
Worth every year of chokey.
And I'd do it again
in a heartbeat
if some jumped-up prick tried to
tell me what to do with myself.
-Is that the sort of thing you're after?
-Yeah, that's perfect, Paul.
Um OK, who's next?
-Graham.
-Yep.
I came up with the
phrase "so near, so SPAR"
-for SPAR supermarket. -Oh.
-I didn't see a penny in royalties.
Oh, that's a shame, Graham,
but well done for coming up with
that phrase. That can't have been
easy, thinking of
a phrase. Um, next.
My name is Mei Suzuki, and
I once met Luther Vandross.
Oh, yes, that's Now,
that is an interesting fact.
He's great, isn't he? Never Too
Much is probably my favourite,
if I had to pick one.
JASON CHUCKLES
OK. Uh, yes. Next.
CLOCK TICKS
Well, we'll OK, we'll come
back We'll come back to you.
And, yeah, last but not least.
-You know who I am.
-For the group, Mandy. -Oh!
My name's Mandy Carter and I
once unblocked a drain by myself.
-OK.
-Saved myself 200 quid.
Watched a load of YouTube videos
on how to do it. Turns out
you just need a really long stick
and a cloth soaked in thick bleach.
Professional drain unblockers
don't want you to know this.
OK. Thank you, Mandy. So, um
Look, can't you just mark
me down and I can clear off?
-It's such a waste of time.
-You know that I can't, Mandy.
The only valid excuse for not
attending is a serious health issue.
OK, so now we're all introduced
a little bit, let's crack on.
So, first up, we're going
to be learning about
preparing for a job interview,
how to create a positive
first impression.
-Now, what do you think I mean by
-Eh? Eh?
-This is a bit like One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, innit?
-Sh, hey.
Sh-sh-sh.
Actually, do you
know what, Mandy?
-Maybe you'd like to be first up for the role play.
-Role play?
Oh, you mucky bugger! Are you
going to be Nurse Ratched?
Actually, Mandy, in the
email inviting you here,
you were asked to dress
as though you were attending
an important job interview.
-Yeah.
-You did receive that email? -Yeah.
So this is what you would wear to
an important job interview, is it?
-Yeah.
-OK. So who can help me tell Mandy what she might be doing wrong,
what kind of first
impression she's creating?
-Um -Yeah.
-She look like a prostitute.
-Yeah. -You fucking bitch!
-Hey, whoa! Mandy!
Now, I know it can
be quite exposing
hearing what we could do better.
But it's also how we learn.
So prostitute.
Very good. Anyone else?
-She looks cheap.
-Cheap? Yeah. Excellent.
Um, anyone else?
-Yeah. Well rough.
-Say again, sorry, Graham.
-Well rough.
-Well rough. Absolutely.
Looks like she just
isn't bothered.
Yeah, absolutely right. Like she
hasn't bothered. Anyone else?
-Disrespectful, innit? - Yeah.
-To the company. - Yeah.
And you know what
they're going to do
if they don't get the
respect they deserve!
No, but it is disrespectful,
Paul, that's right.
It suggests that Mandy couldn't
care less about the job interview,
let alone her personal hygiene.
Anyone else?
Looks dirty.
Yeah, I'll just
put dirty, I think.
But this is all really good stuff.
Anyone else got any more to add
-on how Mandy looks?
-I'm just going to go to the loo!
MUMBLING: Everyone thinks
I look like a prostitute!
-A what? -A prostitute!
-Oh! A prostitute.
Dear, dear Mandy, don't worry.
Some prostitutes are
actually very beautiful.
The high-class ones.
Maybe they think
you're one of those.
MANDY WAILS
Maybe.
Course they don't, Lola.
I don't even look like
a successful prostitute!
Oh, dear, dear. Don't cry.
If you were a prostitute, I'm
sure you would be very successful.
-Thanks, Lola. That makes me feel better.
-Mm.
Hey, how's it going with
the old injectables?
Oh, fantastic. I'm fully booked
up for the next couple of months.
I am so happy I did that
half-hour online course in Botox
-from the University of North Korea.
-It's really paid off, hasn't it?
Actually, Mandy, you
couldn't do me a favour?
I need to pick up a new
batch of injectables
but I don't want to leave the
salon in case I miss new bookings.
Please can you man the
desk? I won't be long.
-Yeah, no worries.
-Thank you, Mandy.
-What a responsibility.
-I won't be long.
SOMBRE MUSIC FROM THE APPRENTICE
I need 2,000 pallets of
acrylic nails sent ASAP.
Actually, make that 4,000 and as
much Minty Pig as you can carry.
SHOP BELL JANGLES
-Hello! - Oh, hello.
-I was just passing and I saw you do injectables.
I was wondering if
you could fit me in.
Uh, no. Sorry. We're fully booked
for the next couple of months.
Oh, that's a shame. I just
wanted to look a bit fresher.
I've got a wedding this weekend.
You look dead familiar.
Do we know each other?
-Mandy, Mandy Carter.
-Janice Brogan.
Haven't seen you since
secondary school.
It's been a long time.
What you been up to?
Well obviously, I run
a successful business now.
-It's yours?
-Yeah.
-Been here 20 years.
-Why's it called Lola's?
Because the woman who owned
it before me was called Lola,
and I haven't got round
to changing the sign yet.
-Must have been very busy.
-Yes, I have. I have, actually.
Well, I'm amazed.
We always thought you were
a right dickhead in school.
Yeah, you made that very clear.
You made my life a living hell.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
It was just banter.
-I've got mental health cos of you.
-Oh, shush. It was a long time ago.
LAUGHING: - I mean, I can
barely even remember it!
What do you do now?
Oh, I'm head of Apple UK.
-Never heard of 'em.
-Well, it's a shame you can't fit me in.
-I'm just going
-Oh, no, listen, um, as you're an old friend
and I have got a few minutes
before my next client,
I could fit you in for some
Botox. Take ten years off you.
-Oh, that's fantastic.
-Yeah. Mate's rates, 300 quid.
But my card machine's up the spout,
so it's cash only, I'm afraid.
You're very lucky, I always
carry some loose change with me.
-Take a seat over there.
-Thank you.
Ooh!
Right, just relax.
Now, you might feel
a bit of a prick.
Ah!
-Is it meant to burn?
-Yeah.
SHE WHIMPERS
-Back again.
-Fuck off!
Have you been saving up your
pennies for that jacket?
I've got the money. Don't
you worry about that.
-I'd like these, please.
-Oh.
That's £1,320.
That's a lot. What if I want
to bring something back?
No refunds, I'm afraid.
-What, not even if a button comes off?
-No refunds. That's our policy.
SHE EXHALES
Whoa, hold your
horses there a moment.
Under the Consumer
Rights Act 2015,
if an item is faulty and
it's returned within 30 days
with valid proof of purchase,
you LEGALLY have to
give a full refund.
I see. Well, can I take an
email address for the receipt?
Just give me a paper
receipt, you dirty wet wipe.
Yeah, just give her a paper
receipt - you dirty wet wipe!
Mandy Carter!
You messed up my
face with your Botox!
I look like Dr fucking Spock!
-They'll come down!
-You're a moron.
I want that 300 quid back I
gave you for the treatment.
Well, you can't have
it. I've just spent it.
-Ooh, do you have a receipt?
-No! I paid cash!
Without a receipt, it's
going to be quite difficult
for you to prove you've got
any legitimate consumer rights.
-There's not much you can do.
-Well, there's one thing I can do, Martin.
BELL DINGS
and that's why, Paul, it
probably would be a setback
to employment prospects if you
took a knife into the interview,
particularly a second interview.
That goes for all of you.
DOOR CREAKS
MUSIC: Oh, Pretty
Woman by Roy Orbison
Ah, look who's
back. Mandy Carter.
Well, I'm glad you've
returned because, as you know,
the only valid excuse for
non-attendance is, of course
Serious health issues.
Don't look like a
prozzie now, do I?
I mean, she does look
a bit like a prozzie.
Pretty woman
Walking down the street
Pretty woman
The kind I'd like to meet
Pretty woman
I don't believe you
You're not the truth
No-one could
look as good as you
Mercy!
Pretty woman,
won't you pardon me?
Pretty woman
I couldn't help but see
Pretty woman
That you look lovely as can be
Are you lonely just like me? ♪