Shoresy (2022) s04e01 Episode Script

1
(Dramatic instrumental music)
♪
(Text on screen)
(crowd cheers)
(Had2Go by Wavedash)
Ay, look, look, look, look ♪
This ain't no special track ♪
This ain't no
hot-ass mothafucka ♪
But we gon' I'ma ♪
(club music plays)
(music stops) Oh,
I like that too ♪
That's a Wait
a minute now ♪
Ha ha ha ha ♪
We might have to
rock that mothafucka ♪
(music resumes)
Now you know why ♪
I had to go, I had to go ♪
I still love you ♪
I hope you know,
I hope you know ♪
Now you know why I
had to go, I had to go ♪
I still love you ♪
I hope you, hope you,
hope you, hope you ♪
Hope you, hope you, hope you ♪
(music continues)
Now you know why I
had to go, I had to go ♪
I still love you ♪
I hope you know,
I hope you know ♪
Now you know why I
had to go, I had to go ♪
I still love you ♪
I hope you, hope
you, hope you ♪
Now you know why I
had to go, I had to go ♪
I still love you ♪
I hope you know,
I hope you know ♪
(music stops abruptly)
(Nat): The off-season.
We won the NOSHO, we
set a league record,
and then we won the country.
- Fuckin' eh.
- I see an opportunity here.
- To relax, recharge.
- To ruin everything.
- Dude, you are no fun at all.
- They haven't stopped the party
- since the tournament.
- And they ain't stoppin'
until they've drank from the cup
at every landmark in Sudbury.
Where now?
Including, but not limited to
The Beef 'N Bird.
(players cheer)
Bridge of Nations.
(honking)
And Bell Park Splash N Go.
Hey, hey, hey, Bulldogs ♪
We know the off-season is
dangerous for hockey players.
- Sluts.
- But it's summer in Sudvegas.
Let's take a break.
I'm all for enjoying everything
that comes along with winning.
Super. Moving right along.
But we've gotta keep our guys
- between the lines.
- Fuck these guys.
- Let's party.
- Half of them have gone home
for summer. That's only half
the headache. Kick back.
- You wanna be the best?
- Your work is never done.
- Yawn.
- We have a reputation
to uphold. So, your job
this summer is to
- Care take.
- Babysit?
Uphold it. Keep our
guys between the lines.
We've had some tall
orders with this gig,
but this one's the Matterhorn.
- This is Kilimanjaro.
- This is Kangchenjunga.
- Why?
- 'Cause they're obsessed
with getting invited
- to Weird Sudbury.
- The party?
(club music)
You gotta know
someone on the inside.
And they're out there
working every angle.
- What is it exactly?
- Good and weird.
People have no idea
how funky things get
in these Northern Ontario towns.
- So, what are you gonna do?
- Beer and a shot?
I mean, if you're not
gonna kick back for a sec,
after accomplishing everything
you could possibly accomplish
with this team in this country,
what's your job this summer?
Shoresy.
Life after hockey is tough.
It's an identity for these guys,
and they don't know what to do
when it's over.
He put his body on the line
for us, night in, night out,
and never complained.
Just go 'til you
can't go no more.
- Good soldier.
- But now that he can't go
for us in here, we owe it to him
to make sure he's
okay out there.
The hockey world looks
out for each other.
Let's be there for our guy.
Let's help him find his way.
Bulldog hockey, baby.
Hell yeah. Fuck yeah.
Oh, hey, that lady
from the seminar
last year called and she
wants to talk to him.
- To Shoresy?
- Yeah, Jill.
She looks like Charlize Theron.
- Where is he?
- Starting his new chapter.
(Just Like That
by Bree Runway)
Just like, just like that, ♪
yeah, we're
motherfuckin' back ♪
Just like that, yeah,
we're motherfuckin' ♪
Just like, just like that,
yeah, we're motherfuckin' back ♪
Just like that, yeah,
we're motherfuckin' ♪
Just like, just like that,
yeah, we're motherfuckin' back ♪
Just like that ♪
(Emma): Okay, smile.
Just like, just like that, ♪
yeah, we're
motherfuckin' back ♪
(Emma): Stop.
You smile like you've
got a thumb up your ass.
(Anik laughs) (Emma):
But you look gorgeous.
- Me?
- (Emma): No, her.
Merci.
(Emma): Doesn't
she look fabulous?
- Bit young, but
- (Emma): Sit.
Congratulations.
You are two-thirds
of BROdude's new
hockey show, 3-on-1,
a sports show where three
panelists discuss one topic.
How's it feel?
- (Anik speaking French)
- Don't care at all.
What sets this
sports show apart?
It's short. Quick hits.
Hockey talk that pops into
your social media feed
and hooks you in before
you can scroll down,
click away, or
watch porn instead.
That's the goal, anyway.
We will be targeting
a social media audience
with the attention
span of an iPad baby,
so don't dick around. You
will have mere seconds
to captivate
"generation impatient"
before losing them. Seconds.
But don't worry, Anik's tits
buy us at least five. Shoresy
- Or what's left of him.
- Between your dental work
and wardrobe, you're
BROdude's new $10,000 man.
- Can I dip?
- You look pretty.
- (Anik speaking French)
- What do you think?
I think you're maybe
a fuckin' idiot
if you think you got
anything going for you here
other than her tits.
Actually, Shoresy,
- you're the draw.
- Ya think?
- I do.
- Then you're maybe
- a fuckin' idiot, too.
- The two of you
will be permanent fixtures of
3-on-1. Those are your seats.
In the coming weeks,
we'll be test-driving
a few personalities
for this third seat.
See if we can't find a winner.
Who's our first experiment, Em?
Shoresy, you've built
an impressive audience
on the BROdude network
by being a complete dick
to your opponents.
Disrespectful in general.
I'd be sticking every one
of 'em in the nuts right now
- if I could.
- We thought it might be fun
to find an opponent
you would respect.
- They didn't find one?
- (Emma): We found one.
Who?
(door opens)
(Hitch): Let's get
on the go, b'ys!
- Jim.
- Yeah.
- Jim.
- Yes.
- Jim.
- Dolo, I don't think I texted
you on your birthday this
year so, happy belated, buddy.
What're ya at, missus?
Plenty o' room for everyone.
(Michaels): Welcome, aboard.
(engine starts)
Sorry, b'ys.
She's full to the brim.
We'll get ya on the way back.
(boat rumbles away)
(women laughing)
(water ripples gently)
Welcome to 3-on-1 presented
by BROdude Energy.
I'm your host Anik Archambault
with the guy you all know
as Shoresy. And with us today
is one of the great
captains of all time.
One of the most
beloved Leafs ever.
And certainly the
most respected.
Mesdames et messieurs,
Dougie Gilmour.
- Thank you for having me, Anik.
- Dougie Gilmour.
Today's topic, who is the
best fighter in hockey?
Shoresy, we'll start with you.
You should start
with Dougie Gilmour.
- I like to move clockwise.
- Shoresy, best fighter in hockey.
She should start
with Dougie Gilmour.
Why are you talking to me?
Hockey people will wanna
hear from Dougie Gilmour.
- Just "Doug" works.
- That time Marty McSorley
stuck the elbow out on ya,
I almost went through
the TV screen.
- Oh yeah?
- I said,
- "That's Dougie Gilmour."
- Well, what I hear,
- you'd elbow me the same way.
- Elbow Dougie Gilmour?
- "Doug" works.
- No. I respect you too much.
I'd stick the
elbow out on Marty.
(Emma): Cut! (bell ringing)
Say, top three NHL tough guys
of all time. You've got Marty.
This isn't the Shoresy we want.
- Was the tooth a mistake?
- (Shoresy): Bobby Probert.
- Tie Domi.
- Hockey players respect
the hierarchy. You can't
beat it out of them.
He respects Doug
Gilmour too much.
He'll always defer to him.
- Who's number one?
- Joey Kocur.
Then let's find someone
he respects less.
(water rippling)
(goose honks)
Welcome to 3-on-1 presented
by BROdude Energy.
I'm your host Anik Archambault
with the guy you all know
as Shoresy. And joining us today
is legendary fighter,
Stanley Cup Champion,
not to mention, The
Great One's protector,
mesdames and messieurs,
Marty McSorley.
- Thanks for having me, Anik.
- Today's topic,
who was the best fighter
in hockey? Shoresy?
You should start
with Mr. McSorley.
(Emma scoffs) He
threw straight
- down the pipe.
- Then I look forward
to his answer,
right after yours.
She should start
with Mr. McSorley.
You're talking to
me again, Shoresy.
I'm not on the show, remember?
Mr. McSorley threw
straight down the tube.
I don't wanna be
called Mr. McSorley.
- You don't talk to me either.
- Let's stay focused here,
- gentlemen.
- I thought you didn't
- respect Marty?
- Who said I didn't
- respect Mr
- If you don't want him talking
to you, then you
can't talk to him!
He said he'd stick the
elbow out on Marty.
- Don't talk to me either.
- That doesn't mean
- I don't respect him.
- Don't call me Mr. McSorley.
I'd stick the elbow out
on a small, disabled dog
- if it got me a W.
- I'm not your dad.
Well, ya might be,
with the hours you put
on the old workbench, eh?
Huh?
I don't know his mom.
Well, neither do I,
but if I did, I'd hope
she'd bang Marty McSorley.
Stop talking to me!
(Emma): What a flop.
(Anik): It's not a flop.
- What a bust.
- Oh, it's not a bust yet.
Well, if it is, his
dental work's coming out
- of your paycheque.
- There's gotta be a way
to get the Shoresy we want.
He's just, he's gotta feel
- like he has a seat at the table.
- This isn't a hard job.
We call action, you show
us your personality.
Well, we need someone who
will trigger his personality.
Someone who'll get him going.
Well, we started with
somebody he respects,
then somebody he respects less.
He built off his audience
teeing off on people
he doesn't respect, at all.
Maybe we shouldn't
complicate this.
Give the people what they
already know and love.
You're right, he's
our protagonist
of our panel. He's our hero.
So, let's find him a villain.
Nat?
(Shoresy): Sean Avery?
The one and only, baby.
You got Sean fuckin' Avery?
Love him or hate
him, you can't wait
- to hear what he says next.
- No, that's Don Cherry.
- This is Sean Avery.
- You're familiar with my work.
Yeah, the biggest
rat of all time.
How do you call me the
biggest rat of all time?
If it looks like a duck
and swims like a duck.
- I said rat.
- Why're you talkin' about ducks?
Never suspended once, but
the biggest rat of all time?
- You're a rat too, Shoresy.
- You guys should get along great.
Yeah, that's actually high
praise coming from me.
- Who are you again?
- Save it for the show.
You don't know what
you're doing at all, eh?
Half the people see us come on
are gonna see him and go click.
(Emma): I beg to
differ. Is everyone set?
And what are they
clickin' there, Shoresy?
- A TV from the 1950's?
- Just go, we're rolling.
Welcome to 3-on-1 presented
by BROdude Energy.
I'm Anik Archambault,
with the guy you all know
as Shoresy. And
today's guest panelist
is the man who reset the
bar for pests in hockey.
The ultimate irritator,
the infamous
- Never suspended once.
- Sean Avery.
I never get sick of
hearing my own name.
Today's topic, who is the best
fighter in hockey? Shoresy.
Yeah, definitely start with him
if it's a question
about the NHL.
I only played about 600 games.
So, let's hear from the
real grizzled vet first.
You gonna sit like
that the whole time?
- Like what?
- Like a woman.
This makes you uncomfortable?
No, what makes me uncomfortable
is you're wearing enough
cologne for 20 broads.
- It's not my cologne.
- Yeah, it's your labia.
- That's my hair product.
- It's your fallopian tubes.
But if we're talking
about hair
- We're not talking about hair.
- You're getting a little
- thin up there, Shoresy.
- Best fighter in hockey.
The front of your hair
looks like a piece of land
that juts out into a body of
water. What's that called?
- A peninsula?
- You're a fuckin'
- peninsula head.
- Yeah well, look at
- your patchy-ass beard.
- It's not patchy.
- Yeah, I've seen patchier.
- Looks like a group of islands
out in the water.
What's that called?
An archipelago?
You're an archipelago face.
Point your weird head
down to the camera.
Well, I bet you'd love for
me to point my head down.
Your hairline looks like a
hairpin turn on a racetrack.
You're a fuckin'
hairpin turn head.
- Oh.
- Oh, you're the funniest guy
- in Canada, Avery.
- I'm actually American now.
Well, of course you are,
you fuckin' border hopper.
I'm a dual citizen
living in L.A.
- Fuckin' fence rider.
- I love the U.S.
Go borrow a cup of sugar
from your neighbour,
- you get shot in the dick.
- And that's all for 3-on
a different topic than
the one we had planned,
but I doubt anyone's
complaining.
Stay tuned for more
from BROdude Energy.
Who's clickin' away from that?
- To progress.
- To provocation.
Why isn't he here for this?
- Shoresy?
- No, Bart Simpson.
- Because he doesn't care.
- Right.
- At all.
- That really bugs me.
And it's a Sudbury
Saturday Night.
He won't miss one of those.
What happens on a
Sudbury Saturday Night?
(techno dance music)
(music stops)
(Nat): They're gonna
ruin everything.
(Miig): They're
everywhere. (Nat): Where?
Including, but not limited to
(players cheer)
The Big Nickel.
Science North.
And Diamonds Gentlemen's Club.
(MC): Give it up for
Senior National Champions,
the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs!
Get these guys to behave.
(Hitch): Get us into
Weird Sudbury
And you'll never see us behave
so good as what we does.
(Nat sighs)
The woman from the
seminars called again.
The one who looks
like Charlize Theron?
She wants to talk about setting
up a mentorship program.
(Ziig): You gotta be kidding me.
- No, it's no joke, Ziig.
- I got a full rack
and now I got tens throwing
rocks at my windows
in the middle of the night.
(Miig): I like the teeth.
Sanger's gone home
for the summer,
if you wanna do
something about it.
- Nope.
- New teeth,
beard coifs, spray tan.
- Can't get used to it.
- You look like you got
- queer eyed by a blind guy.
- I got tens all over me.
- You know what it is.
- Settle down.
- Now I'm just like Goody.
- He went tubing with two tens
- on Tuesday.
- Really?
You got a tuggie on a tube?
- Yeah, Goody got a tube tuggie.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Really?
Yeah.
- That is so cool.
- Tubing's unbelievable.
- Yeah, the boys love tubing.
- Tens, eh?
- Two.
- Come find me. I'll teach ya
how to make 'em Wim
Hof. (Nat): All right!
Best team in the country.
- Yeah!
- Yes, b'y!
I'll never get sick of saying
it. (Dolo speaking French)
- Congratulations.
- Nat, seriously, thank you.
- Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
- As I've said before,
it's important to
celebrate the win.
(players cheer) To
relish the victories.
- (players): Yeah!
- To commemorate the triumphs.
- (players): Yeah! Woo!
- But there is a reasonable
amount of time to celebrate
something like this,
and I think that
you've surpassed it.
It's time to turn off the tap.
Ease up on the pressure
at the very least.
- And do what?
- And get busy doing
- Huh?
- Get busy doing
- something else, slut.
- Oh, the boys are busy.
- No, you're not.
- Oh, the boys are busy.
- With what?
- Did you not just hear me say
- Goody went tubing with two tens?
- On Tuesday.
- So?
- So, Goody got a tuggie on a tube.
What are you so busy with, Dolo?
- Getting neck on a kneeboard.
- Hitch?
- Coitus on a catamaran.
- You?
Fuckin' deep throat
on a houseboat.
- You know, I'm available.
- Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
- It's the off-season, Nat.
- (Miig): Summer in Sudvegas.
(Shoresy): Take a break
from the Bulldogs.
- Fuckin', eh.
- Ziig.
- Take a break from hockey.
- Co-sign.
- Miig!
- (Shoresy): And come out with us
and just crush beers!
(players cheer)
No!
We have spent the last two years
establishing a
glowing reputation
in the city of Sudbury.
We filled our rink
with families.
We've hosted educational
seminars for kids.
- And one webinar.
- The Bulldogs
are positive members
of this community,
and I won't have
it going to shit
with you guys acting
like idiots all summer.
Well, Natalie,
there is the matter
of Weird Sudbury.
The party?
(club music)
You gotta know
someone on the inside.
Perhaps ya does.
- What is it, exactly?
- It's good and weird.
Can we double click
on that for a second?
Michaels, you piss
me off so much more
- when we're not playing hockey.
- No!
Okay, b'ys, who wants to
get a handy in a hammock?
(players): Yeah!
Fine!
We will get you guys
into Weird Sudbury.
(players cheer)
But you have to keep it
between the lines until then.
Define between the lines.
- Okay, go have fun.
- You've earned it.
Do it.
Just don't overdo it.
Deal.
(Sean Avery): Big weekend
in Sudvegas, Shoresy?
Treat the missus to
some East Side Mario's
or what? Maybe a
little DQ drive thru?
- He's done after today, right?
- Sean? Yeah.
He served his purpose. He
got Shoresy to be Shoresy.
But we must continue evolving.
Should've stayed here for
the weekend, big fella.
- I would've taken you shopping.
- That's pretty gay, Sean.
You'da been just a weapon
of mass destruction in T.O.
Yeah, I got a full rack
and 100 DM's from tens.
So many girls Hinge
downloaded you, eh?
Take two steps and
I'm trippin' over ass.
I'm comin' out
with you, big man.
Just a couple of swingin'
dicks in the 4-1-6.
Welcome to 3-on-1 presented
by BROdude Energy.
I'm Anik Archambault
with the guy you all know
as Shoresy. And returning
to the panel today is
infamous super pest.
- Plug.
- Sean Avery.
- Hear that?
- What?
Thousands of people
hearing your name
and changing the channel.
It's a web show, Charlie Brown.
- Today's topic is concussions.
- Head trauma.
Yeah, it looks like
Sean's got face trauma.
- What does that even mean?
- It looks like someone
beat you over the
face with a shovel.
- They didn't. I'd know.
- You're a shovel face, Sean.
And how your hairline
managed to retreat
that much further
over the weekend,
- it's remarkable.
- Thanks.
If I lived above
a face that ugly,
- I'd seek higher ground too.
- Moving right along.
It's low tide on
Shoresy's beachfront.
- Head trauma in hockey.
- It's a good topic for you,
Shoresy. Concussions ended
your career recently, right?
- Correct.
- How many conky's?
Let's go through them.
That'll be fun for me.
- Let's start with the last one.
- You know,
it was the craziest
thing. I come to,
there's 20 broads standing
around me, all tens.
- I bet.
- And the one before that?
I come to, there's three
French broads mid-orgasm,
- I'm not even fully hard yet.
- Okay.
- And the one before that?
- I come to, I'm bangin'
a nine with a bunch of
dead tens on the ground
that she fought to
the death for me.
I would love to see
what a ten looks like
- in your mind, Shoresy.
- Her.
Oh, well I know
whose side I'm on.
(Shoresy): Bit young,
but (Crew): Woo-hoo!
- I told you.
- You told me.
- I was right.
- Yeah, we've really
got something here. Shoresy
Let's get some
fuckin' crab Rangoon.
- You were great today.
- Congratulations.
- You must be proud.
- Don't care at all.
- Why?
- 'Cause I'd rather be
in Sudbury gettin'
a beej on a boat.
You really don't care
about any of this.
Coming to Toronto?
Being on a TV show?
- It's a web show.
- (Shoresy): Nope.
Then why are you here?
(Shoresy): I can't
play hockey anymore.
And I'm worried about
what will happen to me
if I have a moment
to sit with that.
You're coaching with
Sanger next season.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Why not?
Because not having the option
to get out there and
do something myself
would drive me to drink.
Drinking on the bench
sounds kinda fun.
Yeah, it does.
I will convince you
to coach, Shoresy.
But for now, BROdude is
giving you an opportunity
- to stay in hockey.
- It's not hockey.
- It's what you've got.
- This is it.
You're not going into
the corners anymore.
You're not driving
hard to the net.
You're not punching anybody
in the back of the head.
You need to turn the page.
This is how you
keep contributing.
Doesn't scratch the itch.
What's your favourite
thing about it?
- About what?
- Hanukkah.
- Huh?
- Hockey, idiot.
- Winning.
- You love to win.
Well, I hate to lose.
You need to create
a scenario in this
where there's a
winner and a loser.
- How do you
- You may not care
about being on TV, but
you care if you win.
So, if the show does well,
you win. If it doesn't
I lose.
And then you'll have a
moment to sit with that.
(rhythmic music plays)
(music fades)
Look what these TV people
did to your face. Why?
- 'Cause I got a face for radio.
- You're not that ugly.
- Well, it doesn't matter.
- I got bigger fish to fry.
- Oh, do ya?
- Oh, yeah.
- Do ya really?
- I do, like crazy.
He's got a TV gig in Toronto,
- but he's got bigger fish to fry.
- I got more pressing matters.
He gets to sit and gab
with a hot French girl,
- but his mind is elsewhere.
- It's miles away.
Where? I mean,
on what, or why?
'Cause this is the summer
I close on Laura Mohr.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
What does that mean?
- More sleepovers?
- How many more sleepovers?
Like, maybe we sleepover
more than we don't.
- This is going really well.
- I know.
- Yeah?
- And I'm scared. I'm terrified.
- Shut up.
- I'm flailing on the inside.
Look, you gotta be careful
when you got kids, Shoresy.
I don't let just any
dude in. I gotta be sure.
And for me to be sure,
you've gotta be sure.
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
You just won best
team in the country.
- We.
- I'm sure you're gonna wanna
enjoy the perks that
come along with that.
It's summer in Sudvegas.
It's not fuckin'
Playa del Carmen.
I know what goes on.
It's not fuckin' Belo Horizonte.
I'm ready to take things
to the next level.
But I need to be sure
that you're sure.
So, go have fun with the
boys. See if you're sure.
What?
Even when you're slamming
the door in my face,
- I'm an absolute pile for ya.
- I know.
Even when you're
being just ruthless,
- I think you're so fuckin' hot.
- I know.
I think you're so fuckin' cool.
- You can get hotter than me.
- No, I can't.
- You have.
- No, I haven't.
- What about
- Morgan Thiel is hot.
- Have you seen her lately?
- Kelly Adamson?
If you're into body positivity.
- Erica Duncan is super hot.
- I know you banged her.
- No!
- No, she's not super hot?
- No, I never banged her.
- Why?
Because her bedroom
is fuckin' disgusting.
You didn't bang her
'cause she's messy?
You try getting hard when
it reeks like cat litter.
- (laughing)
- Summer in Sudvegas.
Are you sure you don't
want me to come inside,
- hang and fold your laundry?
- I'm serious.
Take your new look
out on the town.
I look like I got
groomed at Pet Valu.
I like everything but the tooth.
Well, broads seem
to like the tooth.
Lotta broads out there, Shoresy.
But this is the summer
I close on Laura Mohr.
We shall see.
You really think some
movie star looking mom
is just gonna come along
and say, "I want you?"
I want you.
(waiting for u by Sonan)