Ted Lasso (2020) s04e01 Episode Script

1
[BEEPING]
[TED HUMS]
[ANNOUNCER ON PA] Amy, could you
please come to the seafood department?
Amy to the seafood department.
[VOCALIZES]
Okay, we got eight cans of cat food,
eight packs of smokes,
and one coconut water.
- [SCOFFS]
- Are you sure you need
all them cigarettes, Ms. Halpern?
Don't you worry, Teddy. If I
die, the cats know what to do.
[CHUCKLES] Okay. Total's 94.09.
Hmm. [GRUNTS]
[MS. HALPERN] Eight, nine.
- Keep the change.
- I appreciate it.
And give your mom a squeeze for me.
Oh. Yeah, will do.
- Here you go, ma'am.
- Thank you.
Of course.
- Hey, Ted.
- Hmm?
Can I go on break?
Yeah. Go nuts, man.
[PA CHIMES]
[ANNOUNCER] Price check
needed on aisle seven.
Hey, Vanessa. Can you
cover me for a minute?
Hell, yeah. You do you, king.
Thanks, m'lady.
Mm-hmm.
[WHOOPS] Oh, boy.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, oh, what
a day. What a haul. Yeah.
There we go.
- You ever have this stuff?
- [STAMMERS] No.
Thirty seconds in the microwave,
it's as good as people food.
- You steal all that?
- Heck yeah. Perks of the job. Am I right?
Yeah. As a little boy, I
saw the musical, Oliver.
Then I saw Aladdin as a teenager.
Both those things made stealing look
so cool, I had to give it a shot.
Now I'm addicted to it.
Heck, I haven't paid for
razors in almost three years.
I've saved 9,000 bucks.
- Don't you worry about getting caught?
- Actually, I don't.
Nope.
Probably due to my deeply
ingrained white male privilege.
Yeah. I mean, heck, I
don't even like licorice.
[ANNOUNCER] Ted, please
report to the manager's desk.
- Ted to the manager's desk.
- Oh, snap.
Bet he saw us on the security
cameras. Hey, do me a favor.
Put all this junk back, a-as
well as the cigarettes you took,
and, uh, I'll smooth things
over with the boss. Cool?
Yeah, cool, cool. Okay.
- Hey, 'cause I can't go back to prison.
- [STAMMERS]
- Hey, how you doing?
- Hi there.
- [BABY COOS]
- I know.
Coach?
Joe Conrad? [CHUCKLES]
225 career tackles, 21 sacks,
all-American, all-conference,
and all-around good guy.
You forgot about that mule I
stole from Central Missouri.
I did, but a mule never
forgets. [CHUCKLES]
- Thought that was elephants.
- Yeah, maybe.
I can't remember. How you been, man?
I'm great, Coach. I got
married five years ago.
Been working for my father-in-law.
- We just had our first baby, Jake.
- Oh,
and here I am thinking this was
just an elaborate fanny pack.
Nice to meet you, Jake.
How you doing? [CHUCKLES]
What about you, Coach?
I heard you were over in England
coaching soccer or something.
Yeah, been there, done
that, bought the T-shirt,
and now I use it to
wash my tires. [CHUCKLES]
No, came back home a couple of years ago
to be with my little boy, Henry,
who ain't so little no more.
I'm just making up for lost time.
Making school lunches, playing
lots of Fortnite together,
trying to help him become
the best version of himself.
Just like you did for all of us.
That's kind of you to say.
There you are. Jesus.
I thought you ran off with the baby.
Sweetie, guess who this is.
The assistant manager.
- This is Coach Lasso.
- It is?
- You are?
- Yes, ma'am.
- The man you refer to as
- The greatest role model of my life.
Coach, this is my wife, Tabitha.
Hey. Nice to meet you.
Hi. A-And you work You work here?
Yes, ma'am. Yeah, well, part-time.
Though I use the employee discount
full-time 'cause, let me tell you,
it takes a buttload of PB&J
Uncrustables to have enough energy
to play video games all weekend.
- [CHUCKLES] That is awesome.
- [CHUCKLES]
That is awesome, right, baby?
I am so confused right now.
- [MANAGER] Ted, manager's desk now.
- Hmm. Uh-oh.
- Urgent. I repeat, urgent!
- They're playing my song. I gotta run.
- Really nice to meet you, Tabitha.
- Yeah.
You too, Jake. Joe, great to see you.
Maybe I'll see you on
the Battle Bus soon, huh?
Yeah. All right now.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
Baby, can I get a PlayStation?
Hey, sorry about that,
Ronnie. What's up?
Oh, Michelle called. Sounds like Henry
got in some kind of trouble at school,
and y'all got to go and talk
to the principal. [CHUCKLES]
- Okay. You mind if I duck out early?
- Sure.
Hey. Hey, Vanessa, need you to
cover for Ted this afternoon.
I got you, Daddy.
She's high as a kite, but
she's never missed a day.
Plus, the ex-wife hates her.
Yeah, I bet. Okay, I'll see you.
Hey, Ted, you want to
tell me why I saw your ass
stealing a bunch of shit
on the security cameras?
Oh, yeah, uh, sorry about that,
but [STAMMER] don't
worry. Tyler set me straight.
Won't happen again, all
right? See you next week.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
- Hi.
- Hey.
Sorry I'm late. I-I got
here as quick as I could.
- That's okay.
- Did you get a haircut?
Oh. Yeah, a couple weeks ago.
- Oh. Looks nice.
- Thanks.
- So, what's going on?
- I don't know.
- They didn't tell me anything. I don't
- Yeah.
- Oh, hi.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Thank you both so much for
coming in on such short notice.
- Of course.
- Can I offer you some tea?
- Uh, no, thank you.
- Hmm, yeah,
- I'd rather suck sweat from a horse butt
- Okay.
I mean, no, thank you.
Mr. Casey, is everything
okay with Henry?
[SIGHS]
Uh
Henry will be graduating next week,
but, here at Manning Elementary, we
don't like to pass on our problems.
A teacher found some
very disturbing, uh,
poetry in the back of Henry's
notebook. And I quote
[CLEARS THROAT]
"I got a letter from the
government the other day.
I opened and read it.
It said they were suckers."
Suckers is underlined.
- Oh, wow. Okay.
- Oh.
"They wanted me for
their army or whatever.
Picture me giving a damn, I said never."
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, I give a damn.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
I give a damn very, very much.
- Mmm. Sure.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clearly.
[CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT]
Thanks. [CHUCKLES]
Boy, oh, boy,
that was a whole lot of something
about nothing. [CHUCKLES]
How do you get to be a principal without
knowing the lyrics of Public Enemy?
I reckon most antiquated institutions
ain't too keen on encouraging folks
- to fight the power these days.
- [CHUCKLES]
Well, thank the
Honorable Elijah Muhammad
that Henry will be out
of here in two weeks.
Yeah, I think a change of scenery
will be good for the little guy.
- Yeah. [SIGHS]
- Mmm.
Okay, well, I better get back.
Yeah. How's work going, by the way?
- It's exhausting.
- Mm-hmm.
Derek put me on another
bullshit faculty committee,
and it's eating up all my time, and I
[COACH] Ready, go!
Good goal.
See you at the game tonight, Coach?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
- Um Yeah, no, I'll see you tonight.
- It's okay. Okay.
Oh, hey, remember to charge his iPad.
You hung me out to dry last time.
The only thing at zero percent should
be your doubt that it will be done.
- Okay. [CHUCKLES] Bye.
- All right.
[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[KEELEY CHUCKLES]
[VOCALIZES]
- Oh Did he not see us?
- [HIGGINS] What? Uh
[HIGGINS HUMMING] Hmm.
- Um.
- [KEELEY] Hmm.
- Should we
- [KEELEY] Uh
- [SMACKS LIPS] Yeah, maybe we
- go in?
- What?
- Oh.
- [GASPS] Oh.
- Yes.
- Rebecca and Keeley in Kansas.
- Ooh. [CHUCKLES]
Higgins in shorts. Oh, my.
I feel unleashed, Ted.
- Yeah. Get in here.
- [SHRIEKS]
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- How're y'all doing? What the heck?
- What a nice surprise.
- Hi. [CHUCKLES]
I did reach out several times actually.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
- Hey, y'all hungry?
- [GASPS] Oh, I'm starving.
- Oh, yeah.
- Well,
I could try that Kansas City barbecue
- you were always prattling on about.
- Oh, I know just the spot.
Get ready for some good
old-fashioned Midwestern hospitality.
- [BELL RINGS]
- Hi, may I help you?
[ALL GASP]
Oh, hey, sorry, Gwen,
they're from out of town.
Ted! [CHUCKLES]
- [BOTH] Ted!
- Hey, fellas!
Now did you just come in
here for a quick sniff,
or do you want the usual?
We're going to do the
usual times four, please.
You got it.
Four president's trays, please.
- [BOTH] Four president's trays, please.
- Aight.
- Oh.
- [REBECCA] Mmm.
- [HIGGINS] Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
- Mmm.
- Mmm. Oh, shit.
- [TED] Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
- Oh.
- Battle wound.
Your hero's journey has
now crossed the threshold.
[LAUGHS] I love the food in Kansas.
Yeah. Well, actually,
we're in Missouri right now.
Kansas is just right across
the street over there.
It's confusing. I know.
Hey, let's play a game.
Everybody's gotta say what they've
been up to the last couple of years.
You only get ten seconds,
and you can't say anything
about work. All right?
- Higgins, go!
- [MUMBLING]
Oh. Caught you mid-rib. That's my
bad. I'll tell you what, I'll go first,
- okay. Uh, let's see.
- Okay.
I moved back home, loving life.
Um, my mom's moving out
of my childhood home.
- That's a whole thing.
- Oh.
And, uh, oh, Henry grew a foot.
[STAMMERS] Uh, you know,
in height, not a third one.
- [BOTH] Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, all right, Higgins, you're up.
- [MUMBLING]
- Oh. Yeah, savoring every bite.
I love that. All right, keep cooking.
Quick pivot. Keeley, what do you got?
Oh, uh, designed new
uniforms for the women's team.
- No, but that's work.
- No, that's work. Shit.
- Uh, ooh, just landed a sponsor
- That's work as well.
Damn it. Yes, all right, Higgins.
- Barbara and I just booked a spa weekend.
- There you go.
Yeah, for our annual work retreat. Fuck.
- Hey, darn good try.
- Oh, my God. Hmm.
And what about you and
Roy? How y'all doing?
Yeah, we're great. Just
really, really good friends.
Mmm. How about that? Is
that how Roy sees it too?
- Mm-hmm. Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.
Okay. Yeah, no, that's
complicated. Okay.
All right. Rebecca, your turn. Come on.
Uh, Matthijs and I are happily still
in our honeymoon period thanks to,
- you know, distance, and Zoom sex.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, oh, I finally watched
Breaking Bad. Hilarious.
- And, uh Uh
- Come on, three seconds.
I've recently switched my
favorite color to green.
Mmm, and I envy your ability to change.
- Thank you.
- Oi, did that really happen?
- I don't know. I panicked.
- Oh.
All right, Higgly Wiggly. Come
on, your time to shine, baby.
Oh, oh, okay. Uh, um, um, Julie gets
more and more beautiful every day.
- [BOTH] Aw.
- My son Dana gave himself a tattoo.
We think it's a taco or-or Australia,
- we-we're not really sure.
- Hmm?
Oh. We just got heated flooring in
our bathroom at home. I'm obsessed.
Oh, ain't no better piggies than a
bunch of warm little piggies, I say.
- [LAUGHS] Yep.
- Know what I mean? Yeah. All right.
So, come on, talk to me. What the
heck are y'all doing here, huh?
[HIGGINS] Uh, okay, for a few
different reasons actually.
I'm going to the American Jazz
Museum tomorrow down on 18th and Vine.
- They've got Benny Goodman's shoes, Ted.
- Hmm. Ooh.
And tomorrow afternoon,
we're all going to watch the
KC Current football match.
Hmm.
Check out their
state-of-the-art facilities,
do some research for
Richmond's new women's team.
- Mmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Hmm.
How about that?
So, of all the ladies' soccer joints,
in all the towns, in all
the world, y'all just
happen to walk into mine, huh?
We want you to coach our women's team.
To lay the foundations
of the Richmond culture
that you created with our men.
[SCOFFS]
Hmm.
Are you trying to sabotage
this team now too, or something?
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
- [REBECCA] No, quite the opposite.
- [CHUCKLES]
Last time, I hired you
for all the wrong reasons.
This time, I absolutely want to
hire you for all the right ones.
Oh, man. Well, that's that's
a mighty kind offer, um
Let me sleep on it, yeah?
Oh. Of course.
Thank you. Okay. Hey, look,
I hate to oogie and boogie,
but little guy's gonna be home from
school, so you mind if we skedaddle?
- Absolutely.
- Okay. Great. Oh.
And-and if y'all aren't
dealing with the jet lag later,
come on and check out
Henry's soccer game.
- Yeah, we'd love to.
- Yeah.
- Good, good, good.
- Don't you mean football, Ted?
Uh, no, sir, we're
in America, my friend.
We call it soccer, and I've
got dollars in my pants,
and we use elevators to
go up to our apartments
where we poop French
fries into our diapers.
Hmm?
[CLICKS TONGUE] I'll grab
this for y'all. Come on.
- What is
- I don't know.
Come on.
[CAR HOOTS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
Hmm. [SCOFFS]
[HENRY] Dad, I'm home.
[VOICE] So you can see I've
got my stains ready to go.
Press the tip onto
the stain to release
I'm pressing I'm
- Oh, crap. I don't know what happened.
- [SIGHS]
Now it's worse than before.
[RINGING]
- [REBECCA] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
- [RINGING CONTINUES]
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
Hello, you.
Hey [SPEAKS DUTCH]
How was your flight?
Uh, yeah. Good.
Complimenten the captain.
You made great time,
especially considering you were
fighting the North American jet stream.
Oh, you know, I love it
when you talk pilot to me.
Ah, you mean when I say stuff like,
"Right now we are using maximum
thrust to compensate for the headwind."
Oh, you're going to
make me play with myself.
Hi, Rebecca.
Jelka! Hello!
Where are her friends, Papa?
Why does she have to play by herself?
- [SPEAKS DUTCH]
- Aw. [SIGHS]
[SPEAKS DUTCH]
- I'm so sorry. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES] No problem.
But hey, how did it go? Did he say yes?
Uh, Ted, uh, no. Not yet. But he will.
I think.
I hope.
[SIGHS] I don't know.
[SPEAKS DUTCH]
Uh, "You can always give up tomorrow?"
- Very good.
- Thank you.
- [KNOCKS ON DOOR]
- Oh, I've gotta go. That's Higgins.
You can tell by the
syncopated time signature.
On your way back, I hope you'll fly
at a high altitude to reduce drag
and take advantage of
the tailwind. [KISSES]
[SIGHS] Stop it.
- [SPEAKS DUTCH]
- [SPEAKS DUTCH]
Oh, what happened to you?
With the jet lag and all
the pork, I fell asleep.
Mmm. That's okay.
On the toilet.
[GROANS]
- [SIGHS] Could I have some tea?
- Mm-hmm.
All that's left in my
room is decaffeinated.
- [GROANS]
- [GROANS]
Did you hear the news?
What, about the new Hermès collection?
We have very different
TikTok algorithms.
No, the Twickenham FC
women's team has folded.
Oh.
[SIGHS]
"A well-intentioned but
unsustainable financial liability
that was draining resources
from the men's team."
This is exactly what I've
been worried about, Rebecca.
Right, yes, but it'll be
different for us somehow.
Yes, we shall succeed
where others have failed
for some unknown reason out
there, somewhere, somehow.
Well said, Leslie.
- Mmm.
- Hmm.
Regardless, I should let Keeley know.
Oh No, I'll do that.
[MUTTERS]
I don't like to squash her enthusiasm.
Mmm. I'm not sure that's possible,
but agreed. [YAWNS]
Oh, and Alice Chilton has thrown her hat
into the ring to
manage the women's team.
Coach Chilton?
I don't think she likes me very much.
Oh, it's not you. She
doesn't like anyone.
Oh, wonderful. So if Ted says no
and we can't hire a growling Rottweiler,
there's always Alice Chilton
waiting in the wings,
growling even louder.
Hmm.
- Thanks, Leslie.
- Thank you.
[YAWNS, GROANS]
[SIGHS]
Oh, fuck it!
[TED] All right, before I put on
any music, can you please remind me
of our one and only rule
about you listening to hip-hop?
I can hear all the words. I
just can't say all the words.
And allow me to now add that you can't
write down any of the words either.
- You get it.
- Yeah.
Don't worry.
Your mom and I talked about it.
We're gonna let it slide, all right?
But I will say,
as a young fellow from a generation that
is so acutely aware of keeping receipts,
- that was a fumble by you, man.
- [CHUCKLES]
Never leave a paper
trail. [CLICKS TONGUE]
Mm-hmm.
Hey, by the way, you're gonna have some
special guests at your game today.
- Really?
- Yeah,
Rebecca, Keeley and Higgins are in town.
Want to come watch you
play. How about that?
Are they just here to watch me play?
No, no.
Actually, um, well, get
this, they offered me a job.
They want me to coach
that new women's team
they got over there in Richmond.
Uh, are you gonna do it?
Mmm, no. No way, man.
No, I ain't going nowhere.
You're stuck with me,
buddy boy. [CHUCKLES]
All right, let's get you
in the zone. Here we go.
["CAN'T TRUSS IT" PLAYING]
Bass in your face,
not an eight track ♪
Gettin' it good to the wood ♪
So the people give you some
of that reactin' to the facts ♪
That I kick and it
stick and it stay around ♪
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Come on, guys! Set the tone! Wake up!
My new condo is the
perfect amount of space.
It's all seniors, but they
don't allow Fox News playing
in any of the common areas.
Plus, there's a pickleball court.
Pickleball? What's that?
Oh, it's like tiny tennis,
only much louder and
you're not allowed to move.
Oh, that'll be right up your street.
- Leslie!
- [GASPS] No, I didn't!
- Oh, here we go, here we go.
- Henry!
[TED] Nice move, Henry. There you go.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- Nice, Henry!
Come on!
- Attaboy! [CHUCKLES]
- [KEELEY] Whoo!
- Whoo!
- He is so fast!
Oh, Dottie, thanks for
letting us sit on your, uh
Wait, what are they called again?
- It's called a Tush-Cush.
- Tush-Cush.
No need to thank me.
I'm not having anyone in
my family parking their buns
on this hard metal bench.
It really is very comfortable.
Yeah, everything in
Kansas is really cushy.
No, actually, we're in Missouri
now. Kansas City, Missouri.
- Oh.
- How many cities are in this city?
[DOTTIE, TED, MICHELLE] Two.
What?
They offered you a job, didn't they?
They want me to coach the women's team.
That's amazing.
I'm not gonna do it.
- Why?
- What do you mean, why?
Ted, do you want to take that job?
No.
Oklahoma.
I don't know.
All right, Henry! Let's go, baby!
- Henry, I'm open! I'm open!
- [GROANS]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [GROANS] Don't gamble, Lasso!
- Make the easy pass. You hear me?
- [GRUNTS]
- Besler, get in for Lasso.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
[COACH] All right, Henry, you're out.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
What, are you out of your mind?
He's the best player on your team!
Mom, Mom, Mom. You
keep yelling like that,
they're gonna make you
watch from the car again.
Have a seat, Mbappé.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
Ted, why aren't you
coaching Henry's team?
Oh, I kind of realized that coaches and
dads sometimes have conflicting jobs.
Hmm.
[SIGHS]
[SCOFFS]
There you go, big guy.
- Hey, great game.
- Wish I got to play in it.
Oh, come on. You were too
good. They had to take you out.
Kids. They're kids, man.
You know, if you want, I could
always say something to Coach.
No, no. Don't do that.
Really, I I'm fine.
Okay. You got it.
Um, have a good week, all right?
I'll see you on the Battle Bus.
[CHUCKLES]
[COACH] All right, man.
I'll see you next week.
Hey, Coach, you got a sec?
Not really, Ted.
Hell, half of one then.
Look, I really appreciate what
you're trying to teach Henry.
Y'know, I used to have a player
like him always playing in cursive
when I just needed the young
fella to play in print
Ted. You're a coach,
so I know you get it.
Uh, get what?
How annoying it can be when parents
meddle in their kid's business.
Hmm, well, I'm not sure Tina
Knowles would agree with you,
but [CHUCKLES] I
hear what you're saying.
No, um Hey, have a good night, Coach.
You too, Ted.
I love jet lag. It's
like fucking time travel.
The Kansas City me is six
hours ahead of the London me,
and I've already worked out,
eaten the biggest breakfast
burrito I've ever seen in my life,
worked out a second time,
and returned all of my emails
before the shops here are even open.
Well, could you send one of your
time travel emails to yesterday me
- and tell her to wear a bib?
- [CHUCKLES]
Everything I own is
covered in barbecue sauce.
Kansas looks good on you.
Uh, unless this is fucking Missouri.
Oh! A wishing fountain.
- Oh. What?
- Hold this.
Oh, you don't really believe in
- Of course you do.
- [SIGHS]
- [SQUEALS]
- Come on then, what did you wish for?
How much is it gonna cost me?
- [CHUCKLES]
- Hey, no littering.
- What?
- Oh, officer, I'm sorry
Gotcha. [CHUCKLES] Happy
to know I still got it.
Especially after my bullshit suspension.
- Have a fantastic day, ladies. [WHISTLES]
- You too.
- He was lovely, wasn't he?
- Oh, God, I couldn't last here a week.
- Everyone's too nice.
- Mmm.
You know, when I got
my coffee this morning,
the barista tried to give
me a hug. Can you imagine?
- Ryan? Oh, he gives great hugs.
- [SIGHS]
Did you know that him and his girlfriend
just decided to open
up their relationship?
Yes, I know.
I know that his father
went back to college.
I know that his sister is bisexual.
I know everything there
is to know about Ryan.
And I know that I wish Ryan and I just
had a little more mystery between us.
Wait, "dazzle me moi"?
- [GASPS]
- Come on now.
Oh
["I DON'T WANT TO KNOW" PLAYING]
[EXCLAIMS, GRUNTS]
[PANTS] Oh, my God.
Oh.
Like disco balls for your feet.
I hope they have the other one.
Yeah, that's nice.
If it didn't have all the bits and
bobs on it. Who wears this shit?
Good morning, ladies.
- Hi.
- Hi, hello.
I'm Tammy Dineen.
So let me know if you
two life-size Barbie
dolls need a hand with anything, okay?
- Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
[SQUEALS]
[WHISPERING] She
didn't hear me, did she?
["OH, LADY BE GOOD" PLAYING]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
Is this, uh
Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT] Ooh. Hi, um, excuse me.
- Will the jazz museum be opening shortly?
- No, sir.
It's closed for a private event.
- Oh.
- The Abramowitz Bar Mitzvah.
Rumor is the parents hired
Janelle Monáe, Ariana Grande,
and, uh, someone else real tiny.
Bruno Mars?
- That's the one.
- Ah.
- You can come in here if you want.
- Uh. What's this?
Uh, it's a museum dedicated
to Black baseball players.
Oh.
Yeah, it's not for everyone.
Oh, no, no, no. I-I love Black people.
- Hmm.
- I mean, not all of them.
- Hmm.
- O-Only 'cause you can't love
all of anything, right?
I-I mean, I-I just don't
know anything about baseball.
It-It's like cricket, right?
'Cause you both use hard white balls.
You know what, I mean,
I'd love to. [CHUCKLES]
- That'd be ten dollars, please.
- Yes, of course, I am so sorry.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
[SIGHS]
Hey, uh, Dottie, the
tag here says ten bucks.
How about five? Huh?
Oh, boy. I brought that back from
Italy, gosh, 30 years ago now.
Handmade by a Vatican priest.
- I got to have it. Here's 20.
- What?
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- What are you doing?
Babe, I was doing something.
You gotta let me haggle.
Mom, Michelle and I gave you that
lamp five years ago for Mother's Day.
Well, like the man once said,
hardest part of sales is the lying.
Here's all that stuff
Henry wanted to sell.
Uh, he said he'll only take
20%. You can have the rest.
Sweet kid. I'll give him 12.
I will let him know. All
right, I should get going.
Oh [STAMMERS] actually,
will you price all this stuff
before you go? Four bucks apiece.
[SIGHS] All right, fine. Um
What
- What the heck?
- That can be yours for five dollars.
Yeah, but I gave it to you.
Ten dollars.
It was a gift from the head coach.
Oh, uh, hey. Fun fact
about this mixing bowl.
[SIGHS]
And I know the women can't
have a team plane yet,
but what about a team train?
With an ice bath and
massage tables for the team
and a fancy caboose with a bar
for the owner and her best mate.
Keeley, uh There's
something I need to tell you.
- [TAMMY] Y'all doing okay?
- I ju
Yes, she's just trying on
the suit that you got for her.
Did I get your size right,
Glamazon with pajamas on?
Uh, yes. I just I'm
just not sure it's me.
Well, like I always say,
wearing new clothes is like
a vacation for your body.
- Ooh, I like that.
- [TAMMY CHUCKLES]
Come on, get on out here
and show us what you got.
Yeah, come on, Rebecca. Let's see.
- [SIGHS, CLICKS TEETH]
- [TAMMY] Mm-hmm.
- [KEELEY GASPS]
- [EXCLAIMS] Well, consider moi dazzled.
- Oh, you look incredible.
- Yeah, no, no,
- it's-it's, uh, quite nice.
- [TAMMY] Mmm.
Oh, I love this place.
Is it all yours, Tammy?
Oh, yes, ma'am. I used the
cash from my divorce settlement.
Figured it's about
time to be my own boss.
The only thing I didn't
consider was a goddamn recession.
But luckily, a couple of summers ago,
when Taylor Swift was
performing in town,
one of her backup singers,
a wingless angel of color,
she floated in, bought an
outfit, posted it on her Insta.
We've been popping and hopping, and
gals have been shopping ever since.
Women helping women, am I right?
[GASPS]
So what do you think, Rebecca?
- Oh, God. I'll take it.
- [KEELEY] Yes!
[CHUCKLES] Looks,
brains, and good taste.
She is beautiful.
I'm obsessed. [CHUCKLES]
[GASPS]
["K.C. BLUES" PLAYING]
Satchel Paige, the biggest
star of the Negro Leagues.
Some say he is the greatest
pitcher of all time,
better than Cy Young,
Sandy Koufax, Nolan Ryan.
Well, those are certainly some names
- Mm-hmm.
- of baseball men.
[CHUCKLES] In your terms, think
Duke Ellington, John Coltrane,
and Louis Armstrong all rolled into one.
Whoa. Well, blow my top, Daddy-o.
- Uh, now you get it.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [FANS CHEERING]
- [GUIDE] See, Satchel was a showman.
He had a wild throwing style and all
these crazy names for his pitches.
The Hesitation, the Midnight
Creeper, the Dipsy-Do.
Many thought old Satch
would be the first
to break the Major League color barrier.
He wasn't.
[TV PRESENTER] Manager
Dressen thanks Hero Robinson.
[GUIDE] But he finally
got in at the age of 42.
[COMMENTATOR] And in comes
Cleveland's Satchel Paige.
[GUIDE] Oldest rookie in history,
and he was still incredible.
Yeah, the Negro Leagues were glorious.
They didn't do it for fame or fortune.
They did it because to not play
would have been unacceptable.
My favorite saying of old Satch's was,
"Ain't no man can avoid
being born average.
But there ain't no man
that got to be common."
- Hmm.
- Look around.
You see it.
[GUIDE] None of these men were common.
They're immortal.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.
[CLICKS TEETH, BLOWS]
- Oh. You're a natural. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
Thank you, Charles.
You know, their story is quite similar
to how women in England weren't
allowed to play football for years.
Mmm.
Not similar.
Sorry, uh, what happened
here, much worse.
Much, much worse.
Much, much, much, much.
I can't stop saying
much for some reason.
Is there a gift shop I can support?
[CHUCKLES] It's right over here.
So when did they start letting
women play soccer in the UK?
- Damn, that's recent as hell.
- I know, right?
And you're sure all
it needs is a battery?
That's right.
And if not, it'll still
be right twice a day.
Hmm.
Okay, Mom, I gotta go.
Oh, actually, Teddy, could you
bring the box down from your bedroom?
It was too heavy for me.
[GROANS]
Thank you, baby.
- [SIGHS]
- I love you, my big strong baby boy.
Mm-hmm.
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]
- [SIGHS]
- Thanks, honey.
You remember when Dad used
to take me to his work?
Oh, of course. You loved it.
Yeah.
Every time I went up there,
folks would get so excited,
treat me like I won a
contest or something.
[CHUCKLES]
Let me raid the vending machine
or race around on those fancy
office chairs they had up there.
Talking about what a great guy Dad
was. You know just it was fun.
Yeah.
Hey, why don't you ever
ask me about my job?
I mean, no one does, you know?
Not you. Not Michelle, Henry.
Well, I'm sure I have.
- I've
- Mom.
Well. If you don't care
about it, why should I?
Whoa.
Teddy Bear.
You didn't love going
to work with your father
'cause of how it made you feel.
You loved being around
how his job made him feel.
It's good for a boy to see his
father do something he loves.
[SIGHS] Hmm.
Take the job.
For crying out loud, Mom.
You tell me that my son needs
me, so I've got to come home.
Now you're telling me I should go back?
What the heck am I supposed
to do, split myself in half?
You'll figure it out.
Oh, hey, that is pure silk from India.
A personal gift from Mr. Yul Brynner.
["BE" PLAYING]
There's no way around
it You piss me off ♪
There's no sense about
it I've heard enough ♪
Just let me be ♪
As you may know, CPKC is the first
privately funded stadium in the world
built solely for
professional women's soccer.
- Hmm.
- Love that blazer, by the way.
Oh, thank you. It's a Dazzle Me Moi.
- [GROANS] Tammy's incredible.
- Hmm.
- [PERSON] Hi, Katie.
- Hi.
[GASPS] Ooh, I think we
should build our own stadium.
I think we should play a match first.
Right, yeah, of course.
Yep, I know, yeah.
Hey, Katie. A bunch
of questions for you.
It's like walking around Wonka's
chocolate factory with Veruca Salt.
I want a stadium now.
Well, the women's team
does need our support.
'Cause ain't none of those
women are common, Rebecca.
- What are you wearing?
- What are you wearing?
Hmm. Good point.
[TED] Hmm.
You okay, Ted?
Yeah, just running some laps
up here in the old noggin.
I dig this fit. You look like
Mookie from Do the Right Thing.
- Ooh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Come on! Bring it on, yes!
[CHEERING]
Oh, my God! [SIGHS]
[REBECCA CHEERS]
The energy here is incredible. Whoo!
Yes-a! [CHEERS]
- Bye, Ted.
- Bye.
I love Kansas City.
- Yeah.
- Great to see how the sausage is made.
You're the sausage.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
This is one of my see
you soon hugs, yeah?
[CHUCKLES]
My goodbye hugs last for days.
- Oh, I remember.
- Good.
[KEELEY] Hello.
Hey. Mr. Higgins.
- Ted, I'm gonna miss you.
- Hmm.
And I'm going to miss
the hot Midwestern air
flowing through my leg hair.
The air's gonna miss them calves.
- [CHUCKLES] Ah, man.
- [CHUCKLES] Take good care.
Oh boy, that's a lot of food.
- Don't look at me. It's hers.
- Hmm.
I hope you left some for the rest of us.
Well, what can I say, Ted?
Kansas City barbecue's changed me.
Hmm. Well, if you eat all that food,
you're gonna change the
toilet on that plane.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
And, hey, I'm sorry you
came out all this way
to not get the answer
you're looking for.
I can't take the job. I got
to stay put. This is home.
You know, sometimes home
is just a state of mind.
Just a little something
to remember me by.
[CHUCKLES]
- Thanks, boss.
- Hmm.
Bye, Ted. God bless you.
You better hurry or
you'll miss that plane.
It's my fucking plane, Ted.
It's not going anywhere.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we
were doing Casablanca here.
- Never seen it.
- Oh.
- Never will. Hmm.
- Good for you.
["KANSAS CITY" PLAYING]
- [ATTENDANT] Ms. Welton, welcome aboard.
- [REBECCA] Thank you so much.
I listen to you time and time again ♪
While you tell me just what's right ♪
And you tell me a
thousand things a day ♪
Then sleep somewhere's
else in the night ♪
I'm going back to Kansas City ♪
And I love you dear ♪
But just how long ♪
Can I keep singing
the same old song? ♪
And I love you dear ♪
But just how long ♪
Can I keep singing
the same old song? ♪
I'm going back to Kansas City ♪
And I love you dear ♪
But just how long ♪
Can I keep singing
the same old song? ♪
I'm going back to Kansas City ♪
[SIGHS]
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
[TYPING]
[SIGHS]
Come on, man.
[PHONE CHIMES]
[CHUCKLES]
[PHONE CHIMES]
[SIGHS]
Hmm.
Mmm, nope.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]