Animal Control (2023) s04e02 Episode Script

1
Your dad sent you
a letter to the office.
Oh, please, let it be
his death certificate.
Oh, wow. Your dad still
gets the actual newspaper.
- Being old must run in your family.
- Huh?
"You made the paper again. Dad."
That's really sweet.
No, it's psychological warfare.
Every time I'm in the paper
for something embarrassing,
he sends a clipping.
Frank, did you leave a panini on?
Does Picasso leave
a painting unfinished?
- [ALARM WHOOPING]
- Fire! Fire!
All officers must commence
emergency evacuation protocol.
[EMILY] Fire!
Mush! Come on, mush!
It's peein'!
It's peein'!
Move, jackass!
[DONKEY BRAYS]
We got so many doves from
The Amazing Donald's estate.
It's too bad The Amazing Donald
couldn't make heart disease disappear.
Hand me those reptile bags.
But I need these for the snakes, man.
You got pockets.
- [SNAKES HISS]
- Oh my God.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
Oh my God, oh my God. Oh my God.
Dozen birds coming through!
That was so awesome!
You guys gotta try this!
That's good.
Keep it movin', people.
And time!
I flew.
For one glorious moment,
I could take to the skies.
Great job, everybody.
If that had been a real fire,
all animals would've survived.
- [SNAKES HISSING]
- This was a drill?!
[VOCALIZING]
[EMILY] Okay.
Today is the grand opening
of our annex kennels.
We are expecting lots of VIPs.
Would I have liked a little
bit more time to get our
sea legs as the newly merged precinct?
Yeah, absolutely.
So, I'm gonna need all
hands on deck to get this done.
Can I get an "Ahoy"? [LAUGHS]
The only thing that makes this
merger tolerable is knowing that
someday the sun will explode
and destroy the entire planet.
- Ahoy!
- Ahoy.
Thank you! So, Victoria and Daisy,
I need you two on dog detail.
I want all adoptable
pooches looking their best.
That means scrubbed, sheared and sexy.
- Sexy?
- [EMILY] Well, no one
listens to me until I
say something awkward.
Now, who wants to do balloon arches?
Affirmative. Everyone knows
I handle all things balloons.
They called me "The
Looner" back in the two-three.
My man has legit mylar skills.
Sold. Templeton's doing the arches.
Yeah. I'll need two
experienced officers.
I can give you Shred and Patel.
[TEMPLETON] Sure.
The Butterfinger brothers?
- Dang it!
- [TEMPLETON] I can smack 'em
- [SNORING]
- back into shape.
[RADIO STATIC]
Sorry, I nodded off. What happened?
So far, I'm supportive of this plan
and my lack of involvement in it.
Frank, you can either
tag in and help Templeton,
or you can pick up Roman.
Who, may I remind you, is our sponsor?
He requested a limo service,
but given our budget,
the limo service
it's one of our trucks.
That's like asking me which grandparent
I wanna get a lap dance from.
I guess Templeton?
Perfect. You can
moisten my balloon tips.
I'm out. I'll pick up Roman.
Just remember, it's
his face on the flyers
and his signature on the check,
so get him here in one piece.
I promise nothing.
I have to moisten his balloon tips?
S-slow down, baby, what do
you mean it's school policy?
We have to invite the entire class?
Well, no. Of course.
Baby, I'm gonna handle it.
Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
Do me a favor, if I choke on this bagel,
just don't resuscitate me.
Buddy, I've seen you take
down a burrito in two bites.
There's no way a bagel's taking you out.
- [SHRED] What's up?
- My kid's birthday party.
Supposed to be him and
a weird kid named Tom
in the living room playing board games.
- [SHRED] Mm-hmm.
- Now I have to feed 35 kids.
- 35?!
- 35 kids!
Dude, that's like two bounce houses.
Maybe I can get my kid canceled.
Just gotta find out what a
nine-year-old finds offensive.
[LAUGHS]
[PATEL] Okay. Okay.
Yogurt time! Oh
I didn't know you were here.
I can come back later.
No, no, no, no, it's totally okay.
This is everybody's kitchen,
it's the people's kitchen.
Right. I know, I just, I
I just don't want things to be weird.
It's not weird, we're just
two coworkers that know
what the inside of each
other's mouths tastes like.
Yeah, we were friends before.
There's no reason why we
can't keep things platonic.
Platonic is a great word for us.
- Yeah!
- Also, really good movie.
Are you sure you're not
thinking of the movie Platoon?
- I am thinking of Platoon.
- Mm-hmm.
But it's about army
buddies that work together
with no romantic feelings,
so it-it kind of applies.
That is us for the next few months.
Maybe my toast will be done by then.
[LAUGHS]
I do have to push it down.
Like our feelings. [LAUGHS]
Ah
I'm gonna take my yo to go.
- [LAUGHS]
- Fo'sho
[VICTORIA] Hey!
Hey. Thank you so much
for rolling with the
punches and helping Daisy.
This might be a good
opportunity for you two to bond.
You know, make it fun.
Bitches washing bitches.
I don't think I've ever heard
you actually curse before.
Yeah, I hated it when I
practiced it in my office,
and I hated it now.
The thing with Daisy, I
don't think she loves me.
[WHISPERS] What?
Yeah, whenever I walk
into a room, she just shouts
"Nope!"
- Oh
- Yeah.
- Maybe it's like no!
- Yeah
You know what? I'll give it a go.
But only because I
don't want that bald spot
- to get any bigger.
- Yeah, I have been stress plucking again,
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
So yeah.
[DOOR OPENING]
Good lord.
get mad, get mad
I'm a VIP ♪
Trip. Please trip.
Can you step outside of
the vehicle, sir, please?
[LAUGHS] No, I'm just kidding.
No, but seriously, I'll be driving.
You steal that uniform
from a Build-A-Bear?
No, Emily swore me in
as an honorary officer,
which is why I'm allowed to drive.
So move over.
You have two seating options.
Passenger side or center console.
Emily, Frank won't let me drive.
[EMILY] Frank, be
nice and let him drive.
When'd you call Emily?
Before I left the house. Scooch.
[SIGHS]
[FRANK] I can't believe. I
should've chosen Templeton.
You might want to adjust
the mirrors and the seat.
A joke about my stature.
Sorry we can't all be blessed with
Frankenstein's height and personality.
It's a big vehicle. You
need clear lines of sight.
All I see is a Sulky Sally about to have
- the ride of his life.
- Okay.
[EMILY] Stay in the truck, Frank.
[ROMAN CHUCKLES]
Thanks for taking over the wheel
while I make some content.
Oh, I wouldn't wanna deprive the public
of their daily garbage.
What up, Romaniacs?
[IMITATES DOG BARKING]
Animal Control officer
Roman Park is in the heezy.
Along with my driver,
Frank Shaw. Say hi, Frank.
I do not consent to being recorded.
I'm being held against my will.
[FAKE LAUGHTER]
[DISPATCH] All available units.
Dangerous dog reported
on Fourth and Madrona.
Respond ASAP.
Sergeant Park responding. On it.
N-no. No, no. We are not on it.
We're not by it, we're
not goin' anywhere near it.
[DISPATCH] It's your call, Sergeant.
N-n-he is not a sergeant.
Thanks, darlin'. We'll take it.
Duty calls. Like and subscribe.
Bark!
[IMITATES DOG BARKING]
Wrong shape.
Uneven distribution.
Terrible spiral.
I almost lost my fingertips
tying these balloons off.
Oh, your poor little pinky winky?
Man up!
Where the hell's Patel?
Honey, I'm on it. I found
this great party store.
Tons of stuff.
Kids like tomato juice, right?
[PATEL] Mmm!
Nice of you to make an appearance.
You know there's two types
of people in the world, right?
There's workers and
then there's shirkers,
and all I see are two
shirkers right here.
It's just party decorations, bro.
You need to relax.
[HIGH PITCHED] Yeah, dude. Chill, bro.
[LAUGHS] I'm sorry.
You know, helium's a
dwindling natural resource
and this is how you plan to waste it?
[AIR HISSES]
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- Oh, my
- Dude, you really
- I'm so sorry.
- You sprayed me. I
- I'm so [MUMBLING]
- I gotta go change.
- You're not excused.
You're not excused!
Seriously? Permission
granted for dismissal.
- Ah oop!
- Oh
[STUTTERS]
Is, uh, tomato juice.
Uh, yeah. [LAUGHS] Well, It's
- Yeah, that's
- [LAUGHS]
Well, as you were.
Galloping gremlins.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm good.
Yeah. It's okay.
Look at us.
Two bitches washin' bitches.
This is a male dog,
and I don't like being called a bitch.
For the record, I
called us both bitches.
- It wasn't specific
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't hear you 'cause
I'm trying to work.
Generally, we point
the hairdryer at the dog.
Oh, yes. Right.
Yeah.
Poor little dog.
- Hey.
- [VICTORIA] Hey.
[DAISY] Hey. How are you two doing?
- So good.
- Just peachy.
Having so much fun.
I love that.
It's a huge day today, right?
- [DAISY] Huge.
- It's huge.
- It's it's
- [VICTORIA] Stop plucking.
Great.
Frank Shaw limo service,
transporting morons since 9AM.
[EMILY] Hi, Frank. I'm not
micromanaging you at all.
I'm just making sure
that Roman is still alive.
He is alive and kicking,
mostly because his feet
can't reach the floor mats.
We decided to take a call.
Frank, that man is our sugar daddy.
Do not let him get mauled.
Don't worry, I told him
to stay inside the truck.
- [TRUCK DOOR CLOSES]
- Oh. Gotta go.
[STUTTERING] Don't! No, d
- [BARKING]
- Hi!
- Roman! No, no.
- Relax, Frank.
I've built an empire
breaking unbreakable dogs.
Quiet-ah!
[ROMAN] See? And this
is why I have a pear orchard
and you're relegated
to being my chauffeur.
I actually chose to drive
your fun-sized body around.
Shockingly, it was better
than the other option.
But I thought you ran this precinct.
Boy, how the mighty
- [GROWLS AND BARKS]
- Oh!
Oh my God! [YELLS]
[ROMAN] Make it stop!
Frank! Help me!
[SCREAMS] Help me!
- Oh, Roman, this is great.
- Help me!
Just one more time, beg for your life.
Yeah, I wanna get a
close-up of your face.
- [SQUEALING]
- Yeah. There it is.
Okay. I've finished another cluster.
[PATEL] You're doing
great, almost there.
Glad to hear you guys
are finally paying the arch
the respect it deserves.
You did this to me.
One more push!
[GROANS]
[PATEL] It's a blue!
Here. Hold him, Daddy.
It's a blue. Congratulations.
- Get out!
- Whoa.
I'll finish the keystone
grouping myself.
Get out!
Done.
What's taking you so long?
I'm, like, five dogs ahead of you.
Yeah, you keep
cherry-picking all the lap dogs.
From what I've heard,
your lap could use a break.
Okay. What the hell is
your problem with me?
You wanna know what
my problem is with you?
- It's why I asked.
- You did Templeton dirty.
Wait. Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you referring to
when he stalked me?
- He's not stalking
- Yeah.
And then he sent me
weird New Zealand gifts.
Those gifts were thoughtful
and background-specific.
- He's a total creep!
- He is layered.
[IMITATES CAT MEOW]
Drip, drip! You Wetty Betty's doing
my calendar idea?
What do you need, Iced-T?
This precinct continues to disappoint.
My unit sapped the helium
tank doing wacky bits.
You know what? I'm gonna
go get some, because
I think they sell some a
long way away from here.
Yeah, sure, like I'm gonna
trust you with a noble gas.
You're probably gonna
huff it out of a sock.
The thing is
your insults aren't landing
because your uniform shirt
is tucked into your underwear.
- And your breath smells.
- Why don't you go with her?
I'm gonna go back to the arch and finish
doing these units orally.
Your bagpiping skills have
saved yet another party.
Oh, I know.
Bettany?
- Bettany!
- Hey.
You okay?
Yep, yep.
Are your pants caught on that hook?
A little bit. A little bit, yeah.
I was organizing the leashes and yeah
my belt loop got snagged
when I reached up to, um,
get that basket.
Yeah, okay, well, let me help you down.
No, no, no, no! I'm fine. That's fine.
Okay.
Actually, my toes are going numb, so
Yeah. Here I just I gotta grab.
- Okay.
- Sorry.
- Oh.
- Here.
I feel like we keep getting
caught in moments that are
Yes. I I agree.
- Of all the days. Right?
- Yeah.
Sorry. So, I'm I'm gonna
get back to erecting
I uh blowing.
No! Sorry. Uh
Arch.
Yeah, that's-that's good
'cause this is a place of work.
So let's, uh, let's all-
let's all get back to work.
[ROMAN SOBS] Help me!
You wanna see how a real
animal control officer does it?
[DOG CONTINUES BARKING]
- Yeah
- But this has been really fun.
Ta-da!
[DOG BARKING]
Bon appétit.
[DOG SNARLS]
All right, here we go. Easy oven mitt.
Good job, girl.
We did it!
Whoo!
All right, do you wanna
skip the embarrassing part
where I ask you if you
need help getting down?
No, I got it.
[ROMAN GROANS]
[ROMAN] Uh-huh.
Oh
I caught my belly on a wiper.
Okay, girl.
We're taking the highway. Come on.
No, I caught my belly
on a wiper. I'm serious.
You wanna get something
to eat on the way?
Help me. Help me.
Is there any chance
you did that old-man thing
and forgot to record?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I got it.
Oh. Flashlight's on. Hold on.
People look up to me, Frank.
If that leaks, thousands of dog owners
will abandon my training methods.
Oh, no, no, no. It won't leak.
I'm gonna post it intentionally.
Well, it doesn't matter.
At least he'll get a laugh out of it.
Oh, who?
Nobody. Just my dad.
He thinks I'm a freakin' joke.
If he wants to confirm that,
I can send him the video.
I've always been the
black sheep of the family.
All my brothers are multi-hyphenates.
Like engineer-professor.
Doctor-researcher.
Yeah, well, so are
you. Virgin-leprechaun.
I've been bedded.
You can't relate to any
of this because dads love
strapping, dim brutes like you.
Just to be clear, you're
still asking me for a favor.
Just go ahead and post it.
Or don't post it.
It doesn't matter. I don't care. It
My earliest memory is my father.
I had an in utero-recollection.
- Ah! Okay.
- It was how to
Stop it. Stop. I'll delete it.
I just gotta watch it one more time.
[ROMAN] Help me! [SQUEALS]
- [SQUEALING CONTINUES]
- [SIGHS]
[SHRED] We got a man
down here! We got a man down!
I found him like this.
Whoa, hey, you all right, buddy?
You're a little grayer than usual.
That arch is filled
with my life force
I gotta get it outside.
- Otherwise
- Easy.
How will people know
where the entrance is?
Okay. I can't do it.
Oh, boy.
It's all too much. This whole thing.
One minute I'm at the two-three
playing ping-pong with the boys,
thinking I'm gonna retire there,
and then I'm reassigned.
New place, new people. I'm
just supposed to start over?
- I'm almost 40 years old.
- That's really tough, man.
No, there's no way we're the same age.
I'm just ramblin'.
My oxygen levels have plummeted.
My vision's
blurred. You guys are
kinda backlit right now, like
two angels.
Hey, you know, we do fun
stuff here at the two-two, right?
You know, we actually,
we hang out at the rooftop
on Fridays and, you know,
we play cornhole, drink beers.
- It's super fun.
- Yeah, you could bring your friends.
We could have, like, a tournament.
We'd destroy you, but
That'd be fun, I'd like that.
- Good!
- Yeah.
Okay. Tremors just
they're going away.
- And the vision's coming back.
- Nice.
Let's get 'er outside, horse me.
There you go, all right.
He's back!
I can't believe Templeton
made you babysit me.
Is he blackmailing
you? Because I can help.
Do you know I got my cousin
out of Scientology using only wigs.
It's not like that.
Last year, I went
through a messy divorce.
It got very contentious.
I don't know your
ex, but I side with him.
I didn't say it was a him.
Oh. Really?
Okay, it was a him.
And he left me.
And then all of a sudden
I was a single mom
working a full-time job.
And Templeton saw
that I was struggling and
he wanted to help, so he
sent groceries to the house.
Not once, but every week.
Grooming 101.
Most kidnappers are someone you know.
And he never took credit for it.
The deliveries were
anonymous, but I know it was him
because he always included
my favorite truck snack,
those little bags of wet olives.
[SIGHS] Templeton is a good man.
Wet olives?
That's the saddest part of your story.
Hey.
Got Templeton's helium.
There's extra in case you
wanna mess with his tires.
You might want to take
it easy on Templeton.
What is happening today?
I know it's weird, but
he was talking to us,
and instead of wanting to fight or flee,
I just I wanted to hug him.
Ew, did you do it?
No, of course not, but the
fact that I even wanted to
Yeah, he was acting like a human.
Maybe he's
just a dick and not a total dick.
Okay, everybody. Gather up!
[EMILY] I know everyone's really busy.
Can we just gather round?
We are T-minus five
to the opening, and the mayor is here.
Good time to bring up
the city's homelessness?
No, not the day, not the place, Frank.
Whew! Does anyone have any last words
before we go wow Seattle?
- I do.
- You oh.
- Where my boys at?
- [EMILY] Okay.
Ah! There they are.
- Us?
- If I could combine two people
into one person,
the world would say I was insane.
Not for playing God.
But for using my gifts
to create such extreme
uselessness!
[SHOCKED GROUP REACTIONS]
Victoria, you were late with my helium.
And you should be ashamed of yourself
for bullying a female officer.
- But I am a female
- Quiet.
Frank, you've probably
disappointed me somehow.
[TEMPLETON] Emily.
All of this reflects poorly
on your leadership skills.
[SHOCKED GROUP REACTIONS]
[SHRED] Templeton,
what just happened, man?
- That is where I draw the line.
- Yeah, no, you don't get
[OVERLAPPING ARGUING]
He's trying to help y'all out.
I am feeling better and
better about choosing Roman.
[WHISTLE BLOWS] [OVERLAPPING ARGUING]
Enough!
My attempts to integrate this precinct
into a cohesive unit
have just, they have failed.
So, thank you for putting
me in the awkward position of
being pro-segregation.
So, here's what we are going to do.
Put on some fake smiles
and pretend to be one happy work family.
Okay?
I said fake smiles.
Hello to our community,
and our special guests,
and welcome to the
Northwest Seattle division
of Animal Control's grand
opening of the Roman Park park.
We did do several workshops of the name,
and that is gonna be the name.
Our deepest thanks go out
to Roman Park, whose generosity
has allowed us to build this
Oh my god.
Thank you so much, Emily,
for that amazing introduction.
- I wasn't
- I haven't prepared anything.
- American humorist Josh Billings.
- Oh, okay.
Said, "A dog is the only
thing on Earth that loves you
"more than he loves himself".
These workers at Animal
Control are incredible!
Whoop-whoop!
They honestly don't get
the recognition they deserve.
Which is why I have a surprise for you.
Emily.
A tug, please.
[APPLAUSE]
It's so real.
Look at that slob.
Oh, wait, that's me!
- [FRANK] What the hell?
- [LAUGHS]
Emily, it looks like you're
cupping Shred's acorns.
Oh. Uh um
[FRANK] Park, what is wrong with you?
Don't you know you're not supposed
to make fun of fatsos anymore?
Ah, Templeton here did me a solid
and gave me a picture of
you from your academy days
for inspo.
How dare you show the
world how I see myself?
Of course your dad hates you.
Do you really think a
dad could hate this face?
No, he loves me.
We just spent the weekend
together at Seattle Kite Fest.
I read simple beasts
for a living, Frank,
and I tell you, you
reek of daddy issues.
There's gotta be a way
to recover lost footage.
Flashlight's on!
[EMILY] Freeze, balloon bandit!
[LAUGHS] Wait, but really
What what are you doing?
Uh, I'm just, uh, you know.
- Excuse.
- Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Are those the missing
cupcakes and the solo cups?
Patel, our city councilman
had to drink out of
a dog bowl this afternoon.
I'm runnin' a little low on cash, so
I decided to borrow some
supplies for Danny's birthday party.
Okay well, happy birthday, Danny, but
- Thank you.
- Why didn't you just come to me?
Well, it's embarrassing.
Okay, what about this?
We have been looking to add
a community outreach officer
at the precinct.
Yeah. It'd be an extra
five bucks an hour.
Will you throw in a company car?
I will not, but I could give you
a special lanyard for your ID.
I could give that to
Danny for his birthday.
- I think he'd like it.
- Let's just make it six more bucks an hour.
- Deal.
- 'Kay.
I really appreciate you
taking care of me, boss.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Just watch behind me
'cause I can't see much.
Good night, Emily.
Oh, hey.
Night, Shred.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- [EMILY] Oh, um
- Um, do you wanna go, or?
- You-you can go.
- Yeah?
- Oh, it's [LAUGHS]
Ah all right.
[MUSIC SWELLS]
Ooh ♪
I'm sweetly bitten ♪
Left completely smitten by you ♪
[FRANK] A nice end to a bad day.
All right, you're home.
Frank.
That was so
Fun! Oh my god!
I burned you.
You burned me.
We got in a crate.
Till next time. Right, man?
I don't ever wanna see you again.
Yeah! I know. I'm tired too.
But wanna hear a song about it?
- Nope.
- Yeah, I do too.
Okay. Right. Come on. Stick around.
[SINGING] Frank and I had fun today. ♪
Nothing beats the jokes
and the games we play. ♪
Frank and I had fun today.