Clarkson's Farm (2021) s04e02 Episode Script

1
[theme music playing]
[birds chipping]
[soft orchestral music]
[Jeremy] It was now late February.
Charlie and I were now
both busy looking for pubs.
And as for the chuckle brother,
he was still on his nationwide tour.
[upbeat music]
[laughter]
[crowd applauding]
[metallic thud]
[orchestral music]
Thankfully, Harriet was still around.
Today, building new pig pens
in preparation for the boar I'd hired
to make some new piglets.
And, with that done,
I turned up
with the farm's perfume manufacturer.
[Lisa] Where's the boar?
Not you, not you.
Harriet's bringing him down.
And then,
he's going to service these three.
These are the ones we gave birth
to in March.
They're nearly one!
We can't get Ajax back,
you know, the boar from last year?
- Obviously not 'cause that's their daddy.
- Exactly, he's their dad.
So we've got a new one
and he's called Josca.
- And he's on his way now.
- Josca.
[Jeremy] He's going
to service these three,
but we've got to get a move on,
or he has.
We can have none of that
"Oh, I can't get it in" behaviour.
Because if we want Christmas hams,
which we do
[Lisa] Yeah.
And we're already at the end of February,
and it's three months, three weeks
and three days of pregnancy.
So I want him out of that,
"porkscrew" deployed,
and ready for docking procedures.
[Lisa] Hey, Harriet. Morning.
[Harriet] I've brought you a pig!
[Lisa] Oh, you're big enough.
- Hello, Josca.
- [Harriet] He's nice.
- [Jeremy] Is he bigger than the last
- [Lisa] Yes, he is.
- [Jeremy] Bigger than Ajax? He is.
- [Lisa] Yes.
[Harriet] Come on, piggy piggy!
Down we go, piggy!
- [Lisa] Now there's a bit of food.
- [Jeremy] Come on, Josca.
[Lisa] I don't want to distract him
from the ladies.
[Harriet] Yeah.
[pigs oinking]
[Jeremy] This is what I want to see.
Come on, Josca.
[French accent] Let's have some action.
[Harriet with a French accent]
Let's have some "bébés".
[Lisa] He's frothing.
[Jeremy] This is a one-night stand
we're looking for here, mate.
Come on, hurry up, quicker.
Get on with it.
Rotters Nightclub, Doncaster, 1978:
keep that in your mind.
So I'm just So, let me just
You reckon these are the girls?
Look on the bums
and you can see the little
[whispering] Clitoris. Clitoris.
You can't! They don't have clitorises.
Hey! I promise you, they do.
Pigs have clitorises?!
I didn't know that this morning.
There has been no morning in the last
63 years that I've known that.
- [Harriet] The little flicky bit?
- [Lisa] Yeah?
That's the clitoris.
And he says you can't see it
- They all have them. Look at this one!
- Oh Jesus!
He can't find it either, I can tell you.
[Harriet laughing]
[Jeremy] Why do they? Do they?
I thought humans
Do you not know
what a clitoris looks like?
[Jeremy] I know, I do.
Have you never found one?
[all laughing]
- I know human girls have them.
- You've never seen one? All animals
- They don't.
- It's the start of the vagina, love.
Yes, they do! Look, look, look, this one!
You can see the flick, the flick.
- [Lisa] See? It's a little bean.
- [Harriet] "A little bean"!
[Harriet laughing]
- [Jeremy] I can't!
- [Harriet] You can!
[Lisa] It looks like a little Oh.
[Jeremy] To be honest, biology wasn't
the main thing on my mind with the pigs.
My worry, along with all
the other pig farmers in the area,
such as Richard and Vanessa
[Vanessa] Hi, Jeremy.
Good to see you.
- [Jeremy] Well
- Not good, is it.
[Jeremy] was that the local abattoir
had just shut down.
It's a very sad day
for all local farmers.
I did some research last night.
There are now only 49 local abattoirs
left in the whole country.
There were a hundred small abattoirs
in 2007.
Then it was 60, and now there's 49.
And they say that by 2030,
there won't be any.
The legislation from the government
on abattoirs changes
every five minutes.
Makes it virtually impossible
to run an abattoir.
[Vanessa] Yes.
So all that farm-to-fork, you know,
the government's gone, "Yes, farm"
[Vanessa] It's utterly crazy.
Nobody local can buy our pork,
nobody local can buy any local pork,
because we can't get it
slaughtered locally, now.
All our pigs are now in one basket,
so to speak,
and going to the supermarket.
- But that's totally
- Yeah, but who's slaughtering them?
They go on a three-hour lorry trip.
So you just put yours
on a huge great lorry
which goes off
to an industrial slaughterhouse?
[Vanessa] Exactly.
But when you've already got
I've got 39 ready to go next week.
Yeah, the cost of the lorry
and the washing-out, that is just
[Jeremy] Exactly,
it's all just too expensive.
Oh, I don't know what to do. I've got
to work out something for next week,
'cause they're all ready to go.
- [Vanessa] Good luck.
- [Richard] Yeah, good luck.
[Jeremy] Because my pig enterprise
was quite small,
there was no way I could afford
to hire my own lorry
to go to a far-away abattoir.
However,
I had to put that problem
on the back burner,
because I needed to show Lisa
a pub I'd found.
[Lisa] Have you got a business plan?
[Jeremy] Yeah.
You know an Irish pub, I'm not sure
it's the same now, but it used to be
Well, you tell me actually,
'cause you're Irish.
In Ireland, it seemed to me to be a pub
and then on the other side,
you had like a village shop.
[Lisa] Oh, yeah!
The reason why they did that is 'cause
all the men would get paid on a Friday,
and the wife would go:
"Would you get some bread and butter?"
And he'd go off with all his wages,
go to the pub,
and drink it all and come home
absolutely smashed and
[Jeremy] And not buy
the bread and butter.
No, forget everything.
So half of the pub was a little shop.
And as soon as the man went in,
the barman would take his shopping list,
pack it all up,
take the money out and then give him
the rest of the money to drink away.
And as he was leaving, he'd leave
As the man was stumbling out,
and he'd put the bag in his hand and say:
"Take that back to your wife, now."
[Jeremy] That is my business plan.
If we have a pub and a shop
in the same place.
- Probably a butcher shop as well.
- [Lisa] A butcher shop would be great!
I know. So you can then go
You can go to the pub
and also do your weekly shop.
'Cause at the moment, people go
and buy petrol and do their weekly shop
in the supermarket at the petrol station.
How much
How can civilisation have reached a point
where you buy your food
from a petrol station?
You should buy it from a pub.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] The only problem with my plan
is that in the UK,
if you want to put a shop in a pub,
the government's pub police
say that it must be listed
by the planning police
as a Class E establishment.
Welcome, everyone, to the free world.
[Jeremy] You wait till you see
this place.
- It will blow your mind.
- Ouh!
[Jeremy] The main-road
Class E pub I'd found
was in Bourton-on-the-Water
[soft music]
The most visited tourist town
in the Cotswolds.
[soft music continues]
It was called The Coach & Horses.
And like so many pubs in the area,
it was going to ruin.
It's 400 years old. It's fantastic.
[Lisa] Wow.
And it's shut.
It keeps going bankrupt.
Nobody has been able to make it work
as a business for donkey's years.
- Why?
- I don't know. It doesn't make any sense.
Look at it. Look at it.
That is a stone roof.
It's not slate, it's stone.
[Lisa] Wow.
And you don't just get the pub.
You get this,
which is presently, I think,
five bedrooms.
- [Lisa] Wow!
- Airbnb rooms.
- They look amazing.
- You get all this.
And follow me.
Look what else.
You get this
and you make a lovely garden.
And this.
[Lisa] Wow! That's a huge space.
- [Jeremy] Old stone barn there.
- Yeah?
There's a stone barn there
with a wooden front,
look, all with stone roofs.
So you get the pub.
You get that stone barn
with the stone roof.
This stone barn
Butcher shop.
[Lisa] I love that!
[Jeremy] Your shop,
your Diddly Squat shop.
[Lisa] Amazing.
With those lovely big windows.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- Yeah, lovely.
- For less
- Yeah?
Than the price
of a three-bedroom bungalow
ten miles from Birmingham,
or a two-bedroom flat.
- Stop it!
- Two-bedroom flat in a suburb of London.
Stop the lights! How is that possible?
- Because pubs, they're just so cheap.
- Yeah.
They're so cheap.
[Lisa] Wow!
I mean, hello! I have done well.
[Lisa] I think I might agree with you.
- Anyway, do you want to see inside now?
- [Lisa] I'm so excited.
[Jeremy] First, though,
we had to get past
the barrage of welcoming signs.
[Jeremy] I can see why it closed.
I've never ever been into a pub
that says "fuck off"
more clearly than this one does.
- [Lisa] Urgh!
- What do you mean "urgh"?
[Lisa] Oh my God, there's something.
I don't know if it's
- [Jeremy] What is it?
- Look.
- It's like it's really big
- [Jeremy] Oh, it's a sluggy thing!
[Lisa] It's not a slug.
It's bigger than a slug.
- [Jeremy] Oh, it is a slug.
- It's got babies. That's disgusting.
- So you come in.
- Yeah?
You've got the low beams.
You've got the fireplace. A cosy bar.
[Lisa] Oh God.
It's just so badly laid out.
Well, apart from the staircase
going through the bar.
Now, why they run it through the bar,
I don't know.
That is a drawback.
Oh. Oh.
- This has changed since I was last
- [Lisa] This doesn't look very
Oh!
Oh, Jesus.
Now, I've gotta be honest,
when I first looked round,
that hadn't fallen down.
But now
[Lisa] Oh my God, look, that's rotten.
That is totally rotten.
[Jeremy] You're so negative.
[Lisa] I mean
Lovely light fittings.
You know it was
an Indian restaurant until
Well, its most recent incarnation
was as an Indian restaurant.
I think it's a fixer upper.
[Lisa] For fuck's sake, Jeremy!
- [Jeremy] What's the matter?
- Has that been in a fire?
[Jeremy] Well, yes, it has been in a fire
because that's the point of it.
It stinks! There has been a fire in here,
you know that?
- No wonder it
- [Jeremy laughing]
- [Jeremy] What I love
- Is that what smells?
Everybody's business goes
There is a moment when you're in business
and then you're not in business.
They were cooking this at that
precise moment and it's still there.
It's a saag aloo, I believe. It's
[Lisa] Oh, God.
You'd think, "Well, I'll just wash this
pan up, then I'll go out of business."
But they were just going:
"I'm just making the saag aloo."
"You're out of business."
[Jeremy chuckling]
[Lisa] Does upstairs get better?
[whispering] She's not going to be very
pleased when she sees what's up there.
[Lisa] Oh, my God.
[chuckling]
Jeremy!
The carpets have seen better days,
I will admit.
[Lisa] I mean
[Jeremy] Don't stand still too long
because you'll stick to the floor.
[Lisa] Urgh!
Urgh!
Man!
That is bad! They've Urgh!
[Jeremy] Look, "Fire exit".
It's just on a wall!
[Lisa] Which way? This way or that way?
- [Jeremy] It just says
- "Fire exit".
- [Jeremy] "Fire exit"!
- Run.
[Jeremy] No arrow.
And then, it was decorated
by the laziest man
in the universe, okay?
"Go in there
and give that a lick of paint."
So he got to this little
"No Smoking" sign
[both laughing]
and just thought:
"I could take that off the wall.
Or, I'll just paint over it."
What is this?
[loudspeaker] Attention.
Please do not interfere
with this alarm or any of its sensors.
To prevent
security officers arriving shortly
[Jeremy] What the fuck is that?
[loudspeaker]
put your key on the light.
[alarm whirring]
[Lisa] Oh, you've done it now,
haven't you?
[Lisa] See, I think what we can do
[Jeremy] I haven't got
We've got a key.
[Lisa] Look, why don't you just throw it
out the window?
[Jeremy] No, no, no, don't do that,
this is not ours.
- [alarm stops]
- [Jeremy] Oh!
It's not a very good burglar alarm
if it goes off after ten seconds, is it?
[Jeremy] Finally, we reached the attic,
where even I will admit
there was a bit of a problem.
I think of all the things
I've seen so far, this is the scariest.
Because, look,
this is obviously a supporting beam,
and somebody has just cut it
so they can get through there.
[Lisa] What? How?
[Lisa] Where was the?
How did they enter?
[Jeremy] If that beam still existed,
you wouldn't be able
to get to this huge door
- [Lisa] Yeah, but
- Into this bedroom.
- Is it actually meant to be a door here?
- [Jeremy] Yes, they've carpeted it.
This door, I'm fairly confident,
wouldn't pass muster
with the building inspector.
[Lisa] What have you done?
What have you done?
"What have I done?" It's a good question!
- [Jeremy] What have I done?
- What have you done? You fucking eejit!
[Jeremy] With the guided tour complete,
Lisa was very moderate in her judgement.
The only thing that would help
this shithole is a wrecking ball.
It's not a shithole!
Well, so far,
I haven't seen anything redeeming.
The outside's nice.
- The outside's lovely.
- [Jeremy] Exactly.
I judge a book by its cover.
If it's got, like, a speedboat
and a girl in a bikini on it
and some Nazi gold, I'll buy the book.
[Jeremy] Also, I had one ace up my sleeve
that would hopefully convince her.
Now, the best thing,
this isn't in Oxfordshire.
This is Gloucestershire.
So it's not
West Oxfordshire District Council!
[soft music]
[Jeremy] While I was trying
to win Lisa over,
the farm was alive
to the sound of a very busy Harriet.
[upbeat music]
The one thing that wasn't getting
any TikTok treatment, though,
was my Lamborghini,
which, with its ever-growing list
of age-related problems,
was starting to properly annoy her.
The splitters on the gear stick
are broken!
That's broken.
That's broken.
[engine whirring]
Pull, pull.
- [tractor beeping]
- Come on!
And it throws up a fault signal
every two minutes.
[tractor beeping]
Argh!
- [tractor beeping]
- [groaning]
- And again!
- [beeping]
And again!
[beeping continues]
Argh! Fucking thing!
[Jeremy] Unfortunately for me,
I ran into her in the middle
of all this frustration.
[Harriet] Can you help me
lift the bonnet?
[Jeremy] What's the matter with it?
[Harriet sighs] Error codes.
Brakes don't work.
Now I can't get the PTO to start
to put that down on the floor.
How do you lift the bonnet up?
Do you know?
There's a catch on the front,
a black button.
You need to press that button
and then push it up. There, look.
- [Jeremy] There?
- Yeah. Push it in.
And then push it up.
No, that's not it.
[Jeremy panting]
I can't.
It's everything else No, no, hold on.
That's not releasing it.
You try. And I'll lift it up
if you can get that in.
[Harriet] Yeah, go.
[Jeremy] I knew you'd be able to do that.
Now I'm embarrassed.
[Harriet] Okay.
So just tell me again,
what is the problem?
Error code 18.
"Hydraulic circuit signal not valid.
The control unit detects a discrepancy
between the oil pressure reading
and the operating status
of the transmission."
Erm
Yes.
And then, the PTO won't start.
Obviously I know this.
Which is the PTO button?
On this console on your right.
You mean these?
[Harriet] Yeah. So that's your Auto PTO
and that's your Start PTO.
I think it must be a sensor,
like a pressure sensor somewhere.
[Harriet sighs]
Actually, while we're here,
shall we lift the hedge cutter up
and trim your eyebrows?
- What?
- The hedge cutter?
- What's the matter with my eyebrows?
- Are you kidding?
I'm not surprised you can't see anything.
Says she with two caterpillars
crawling out of her eyelids.
Well, I know, take it from me.
But they literally come halfway
down your eyelids!
I'm just What are you on about?
They are long.
[Jeremy muttering]
Well, I've never known anyone say
that my eyebrows are wrong.
They're a million other things
you could say are wrong but
- [Jeremy sighs]
- [Harriet] That's better.
- What's the matter with them?
- [Harriet] They are long.
- Have you got any scissors, then?
- [Harriet] Yeah, I've got some scissors.
Go on, then.
- Is this your TikTok equipment?
- [Harriet] Here, you hold this.
- What is it?
- [Harriet laughing] It's a brush.
Right, stand very still.
Is this manscaping?
[Harriet] Yeah, I do this to my dad.
Beautiful.
Okay, sir.
- Look at that! Shall we brush them?
- No!
[both laughing]
- Can we just get back to farming?
- Yeah, let's go to farm now.
So, the brakes aren't working.
I want to check
that it's got brake fluid in it.
So we need to find the break reservoir.
Honestly, Kaleb and I looked.
We had to ring somebody up
and they didn't know.
No one knows where the brake reservoir is
on this thing.
- I can remember this from four years
- [Harriet] What's this?
- [Jeremy] What?
- What's this?
[Jeremy] Have you found it?
- Yeah.
- [Jeremy] What?
Oh, it's got brake fluid in it.
The brakes are just shagged, then.
[Jeremy] All right, Gerald?
- Hello.
- [Gerald] Hello, Harriet.
You made a good job of the hedge,
considering the tractor you had to use.
[Jeremy] Hang on a minute.
I distinctly remember when I used
- this tractor and this machine
- [Gerald] Yeah?
- on the same hedge two years ago?
- [Gerald] Yeah?
You said it was all my fault
that it had gone wrong.
But now
Well, you didn't know how to do that
at the time properly, did you?
You just went along
with itself going like this.
You got a great big
Took 'em down as low as that.
We sat there
drinking the old champagne together.
You left one great mud heap
on the bottom of the grass!
Takes practise, hedge cutting, big time.
If you start big stuff like this
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
I actually thought, genuinely
If you do the whole farm,
they're more natural there
than they are in the garden.
They got the old love match,
haven't they?
You know, they go too fast
[voice fading out]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] After what may or may not
have been a ticking-off from Gerald,
it was a relief
to get back to The Coach & Horses.
[Alan] So this would have been an open
fire, wouldn't it, back in its day?
Fucking great logs thrown on there.
[Jeremy] Convinced my instincts
were right,
I'd already put an offer in.
And now, Alan the builder had come over
to see what work would be necessary.
We're gonna knock this thing down,
ain't we? This half penny.
- [Jeremy] Oh, it's a beauty.
- [Alan] You love it? You love it?
- She's a beauty!
- [Alan] Ain't that ever?
[Jeremy] So just give us a list of what
you think is going to be a big problem.
I don't see a big problem.
- What?
- No, I don't see a big problem.
There's lots of little jobs,
but there's not a big problem.
Not a big problem here.
I can't see no damp.
And we can't move this staircase
that goes through the bar?
Well, we can, but we'll have to put
Yeah, it's just accumulation, innit?
If you're gonna spend 400,000 to 500,000,
we don't need to move the stairs, do we,
for another two thousand.
Sorry, what did you just say?
"If I'm gonna spend"?
About 400,000, 500,000, 450,000.
- 450,000?
- Yeah.
You know my language with 450,000!
- [Jeremy] 450,000?
- Yeah!
- 450,000?
- [Alan] To 500,000. A 50,000 contingency.
500,000, I know what that is.
Is there another way of saying that?
Yeah, well, there is,
but, yeah, no, there's not.
450,000 with a 50,000 contingency.
[both laughing]
It's English! That's the Cotswold talk!
[Jeremy] The words are!
- [Alan] Yes!
- The words are!
- [Alan] So, let's have a
- Hold on. Just a minute.
You reckon you could get this operational
for 450,000
- with a £50,000 contingency?
- Leaving a fifty thousand Yes.
I'm gonna be honest with you,
really honest with you.
I was expecting your number
to be bigger than that.
It's normal, ain't it? It's a normal
Cotswold old building needs a renovation.
Nothing deeply wrong with it.
It's just there's a lot of work.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Outside, we discussed
what we'd need to do
to make it into a restaurant
and a shop as well.
What are we doing about planning,
then, or building regs?
Well, I reckon
- I talked to Neil, the planning man.
- Yeah?
- What Neil says we need is a pre-app.
- Yeah.
- Pre-application, I think it's.
- Yeah.
- So, but he said it can be very rough.
- Yeah, yeah, definitely.
It can just be, "We want to take
this bit down and replace it with this,
here's an aerial view of the site."
What do we come under? What council?
Are we Witney
- [Jeremy] Cotswolds!
- It's Cotswolds, yeah.
- It's not West Oxfordshire!
- [Alan] Cool, yeah.
But if we do the pre-app,
get them to say:
"That looks like a good idea."
We go for it.
He said Cotswolds' a way different animal
to West Oxfordshire.
- [Jeremy] He really rates them.
- We've gotta get into them, then.
Yeah, he just says it's a good council.
So that's great.
[Alan] To be honest,
it's all in good nick, ain't it?
- That finial on the end
- [Jeremy] That's not what Lisa said!
No, but
[both laughing]
We'll put her right!
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Given that the
pre-application plans were a priority,
my next meeting was with Annie and Scott,
the couple who run the burger van
at the farm shop,
to get their advice
on how the pub should be laid out.
Our urgent problem is,
if we wanna catch the summer,
which we do,
we've gotta get the plans in.
The average rule of thumb is between
1.7 and 1.9 square metres per cover.
1.7 to 1.9 [voice fading out]
[Annie] If the goal is to do
food from the farm,
you need to maximise
the number of tables you've got.
[Scott] Which you will need
a decent-sized kitchen for.
[Jeremy] We're thinking
of pulling all this down.
- [Scott] Right.
- We'll put one of those glass boxes up.
Lovely.
[Jeremy] And this will be a restaurant
as well,
if the plans go as we want them to.
[voice fading out]
[country music]
[Jeremy] With the layout
eventually sorted,
I now had to wait
for the plans to be drawn up.
This meant I could get back to farming.
So, Harriet and I went
to the mushroom bunker to restock.
They take how long to grow?
- Two weeks and then they should be
- [Harriet] Two weeks?
- sprouting.
- That's a quick turnaround.
[Jeremy] Oh, yeah.
And then it's all hands on deck.
There's no time for any other farming
once these start growing.
- [Harriet chuckles]
- [Jeremy] There isn't!
[Harriet] Yeah, right!
[sighing]
Lisa would love
to have been helping us today
but she's working on a new scent,
which she's calling Silage.
Well, actually, she's calling it
[in French accent] "Silage".
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Having restocked the mushrooms,
we had to deal
with Charlie's wild bird seed.
And the drive back to the yard was,
for me,
extremely and unexpectedly enlightening.
[Jeremy] So, on TikTok,
there's a lot of young farmers.
- [Harriet] There is.
- And all of you just dance.
I don't dance!
[Jeremy] Well, you play music.
[Harriet] Yeah, I Yeah.
But the whole reason
I started on TikTok was because
I was showing me
It was literally just a video of me
just driving a tractor, rapping.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- Erm
And it was more so to show, you know,
that why can't girls do
the exact same that the lads can do.
[Jeremy] But is that what's going on?
Girls just going, "Look, we can do this"?
[Harriet] Well, yeah,
for the most part of it.
There's less girls than there is lads.
There's a lot of lads that, you know,
are on it and showing it.
But that's why I think girls
need to go and do it,
because why can't they do it?
[Jeremy] If you're sitting on a tractor
all day long,
it's quite lonely.
[Harriet] Yeah, it is very lonely
sitting on a tractor all the time.
[Jeremy] But if you do that, in some way,
- you're connecting with other people.
- Yeah, I think so.
[Jeremy] So it doesn't feel like
you're out there all alone all day long.
[Harriet] And, to be fair,
for the majority of it,
people are really nice
and comment and say, like,
you know, "get on that
a girl's doing this" and la-de-da.
And it makes you feel a bit
- [Jeremy] Better.
- Yeah.
I know everybody talks
about "mental health".
I used to call it "being unhappy".
But apparently it's "mental health" now.
But it's bad in farming, so.
[Harriet] It's absolutely awful
in farming, yeah.
In our local young farmers,
there's been quite a few lads
that have taken their own lives.
- You're kidding?
- [Harriet] No.
- [Jeremy] You knew people?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Jeremy] Because they can't get on
in farming?
[Harriet] Well, that, and the fact
that it's such a lonely thing.
And the fact that they never have
any money because
- [Jeremy] Well, they're farmers.
- They're farmers.
They never have the money
to do anything they want.
And, like, all we do is work, work, work.
And it's not very often
that we go away and get a holiday,
one, because we don't have
the money for it,
two, because we don't have time to do it.
So it's just It's lonely.
But, yeah, no, it is a massive thing,
mental health in farming.
Hopefully,
TikTok helps a bit and brings
[Jeremy] It puts you in touch with other
people who are in the same boat as you.
- [Harriet] Yeah, for sure.
- And then somebody goes:
"It's pointless sitting there
doing that silly dance."
And of course it is pointless
if you're
[Harriet] If you're the Grinch.
[Jeremy] Well, I don't know
what the "grinch" is. But, yes.
[both chuckling]
So the bird seeds
at the back of this barn.
Yeah. Are you ready?
[Jeremy] What for?
Are you ready?
[Jeremy] What the fuck is that?
That is the best bit of kit
you will ever see.
Look at this and that!
[Jeremy] I know, I know,
but where's it come from?
Chandlers.
- [Jeremy] What?
- Chandlers.
[Jeremy] What's that?
It's a dealer.
So you've borrowed this on a trial loan?
[Harriet] Yeah. Demo.
- Yeah.
- [Harriet] Don't you love it?
Look at the exhaust pipe.
That's like out of a metro.
[Harriet] Well, why do we need that?
[Jeremy] Because it's a proper engine.
Do you know how many horsepower this is?
Oh, no, not enough. What is it?
- [Harriet] 155.
- Christ, that's [scoffs]
That is perfect.
Can I just ask, why have you got it in?
Because we need it for spraying.
Why don't you use that for spraying?
'Cause the sprayer
isn't compatible with it.
- What?
- The hydraulic flow rate on that
will pump too much oil into the sprayer
and it'll just break the sprayer.
So your sprayer doesn't actually fit
on that tractor.
Well, how does Kaleb do it?
[Harriet] On his tractor.
Oh, so he's using Oh.
- No, never fit, never will.
- [Jeremy] Oh
And you like
Massey Ferguson. They're my tractors.
[Jeremy] Poor old Lamborghini. He's going
to be feeling a little bit put out by
[Harriet] Well, I bet it looks
It just looks poor, doesn't it, now.
[Jeremy] You've only got
two buttons here. That's not enough.
- What?
- [Jeremy] Well, I've got four.
[Harriet] Well
No, that's the link arms.
Why would you have
four buttons for the link arms?
Up and down.
You can actually push out your hitch
from the other side.
- You can move the hitch with?
- You can, yeah. You push.
You know when you're in there
and you say,
"Oh, push it out"
and "I can't see anything"?
You can actually do that from down here.
Okay, so it's got that one feature.
No, it's got multiple more.
[Harriet] Sorry, Lamborghini.
The rep this morning said:
"See if Jeremy wants to buy it!"
And I was like, "erm"
"See if Jeremy wants to"
Why would I buy that?
Where does it say "Lamborghini" on it?
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Despite my loyalty
to Lamborghini,
I was secretly intrigued.
So, when Harriet went off
to kill some slugs
[Jeremy panting]
I sneaked the Massey out
for a quick test-drive.
[engine revving]
Christ, it's got brakes.
A turning circle
Mirrors I can see out of.
I've got to be honest
[mumbling] it's quite
easy to drive, this.
It's a lot easier than the Lamborghini.
[Jeremy] Even though I was feeling
desperately unfaithful to the Lambo,
my head was being turned.
It's got an iPad in it!
[Jeremy] But, since the Massey was
the only modern tractor I'd ever driven,
I decided to be thorough
and test-drive some others as well.
[tense music]
Before I could do any of that, though,
I had to attend an important meeting
at Gloucestershire County Council
to talk to their highways people
about how we could deal
with the possible traffic issues
at the pub.
- How do you do? Neil Warner.
- Pete Bungard.
- [Neil] Good to meet you.
- Hello, Pete. Charlie.
- [Pete] Hello, Charlie.
- Jeremy Clarkson.
- How are you?
- Pete Bungard.
[Jeremy] And Charlie and I were
accompanied by our planning expert,
Neil.
Context, I suppose.
It's an existing restaurant, pub
I think most recently
an Indian restaurant,
so the purpose of the pre-application
with Cotswold is to talk about
how we bring this pub,
which has been through
eight different operators
in the past ten years,
bring it back to life,
make it a viable business
and an asset for Bourton-on-the-Water.
So this is why we're coming to you guys,
because obviously the highways
is an important bit to talk about
and it's getting that bit right.
[Jeremy] Given my experience
of council meetings in the past,
my hopes were not exactly high.
knowledge as to where
we might go with the site.
[Jeremy] However
So, we're pro-development,
we're pro-tourism.
And the Highway Authority's job
is to try and say yes.
You know, our starting point is
we hope we can accommodate
the consequences of this.
If not, we'll suggest ways
you could make it safer.
We're really,
really keen to work with you,
understand what it is
that you want to achieve,
understand some of your experiences
from your previous endeavours
at Diddly Squat,
and to see whether or not
we can take some of that learning
and make sure that we can
mitigate or avoid some of those issues
on what is, on the face of it,
a very exciting investment opportunity
that links in very much
[Jeremy] The meeting continued
in this vein
to a very promising conclusion.
[Charlie] It was very nice to meet you.
Thank you. Thanks a lot.
Hopefully that was useful.
[Charlie] It was very good, yes.
Very good.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] And the following day,
there was more good news
because we'd finally found a way
of transporting the pigs to slaughter.
[Jeremy] Charlie has found a farmer
- near Banbury.
- [Lisa] Right.
[Jeremy] And he's organised a lorry
to go round all the farms
with animals that need slaughtering,
and it's sort of going round picking
them up and then takes them there.
And it's only a hundred quid.
[Lisa] That's incredible.
It's like the school run.
[Lisa] Animal-farm school run.
- [Harriet] Hey yup!
- [Jeremy] Morning.
[Harriet] Morning, morning!
[upbeat music]
Piggies! Come on! [Harriet whistles]
- Come on!
- [Lisa] Come on, piggies!
- Here we go. Come on, boys.
- [Harriet] Come on!
[Harriet screaming]
[Harriet] How many have we got there?
- [Jeremy] Is that ten?
- [Lisa] Ten.
[Jeremy] Lovely job.
[Jeremy] With the pigs loaded up,
we scooted over to the yard
to wait for the school bus.
[Jeremy] Bloody Nora!
- That's a big wagon.
- [Charlie] That's the biggest school bus.
[Jeremy] That is a school bus
right there.
Morning.
- [woman] Morning.
- [Jeremy] How are you?
- [woman] Good. How are you?
- [Jeremy] Good.
[Lisa] So, do you take cows, pigs,
- sheep, everything?
- [woman] Yeah.
- [Lisa] Is that a double-decker?
- [woman] Yeah.
Wow.
- [woman] Come on, then! Up, up!
- [Harriet whistling]
[Jeremy] Bye, pigs.
[both shooing]
[Jeremy] You saved our bacon, not theirs.
Thank you very much.
[Jeremy] Movement order
for the pig police.
Thank you. See you soon.
[Jeremy] It's a bloody good idea.
The Volvo XC90.
- School-run lorry.
- Of the livestock world!
It is! The XC90 of the livestock world!
Exactly right!
[woman] We'll see you again.
Thank you, guys.
[Jeremy] Take care.
[jazz music]
[owl hooting]
[jazz music continues]
[overlapping conversations]
[Jeremy] A couple of days later,
I suggested to Lisa that we should go
to our local pub for a date night.
So that I could romantically explain
the plans for my pub.
[record scratching]
So, here it is.
It's a pre-planning-application thing.
It just says to the council:
"This is what we've got in mind,
just so you know."
That's all it says. So here's the pub.
That's that.
You put a glass wall here,
a glass wall there, roof.
So in the wintertime it will be freezing
and in the summer it will be boiling.
Well, no. I know you're from Ireland,
but over here we have something
called central heating
and air conditioning.
And then, the kitchen is here.
And then, you come through here,
or through that,
into the drinking bit.
There's nothing that makes you feel,
"Oh, God, it's all a bit posh, this."
It's all very straightforward,
down-to-earth.
- Good food.
- Yeah.
No frills.
Horse brasses, definitely having those.
I'd love a bit
of patterned carpet somewhere.
With a big sign at the back
saying "Doncaster Rovers".
- [Lisa] Patterned carpet?
- Yeah, squirly-whirly.
The only reason they had patterned carpet
is when people vomited on them,
it wouldn't show.
We're not having patterned carpet.
- Anyway, that's the plan.
- [Lisa] Okay.
[Jeremy] And I want to make a pub
with really good food
from British farmers,
so we're supporting British farmers,
that isn't expensive.
I'm gonna pay proper money
for their produce.
And then,
I have to somehow work out a way
of making this the cheapest-to-run pub
ever.
You could hire convicts.
But if I close my eyes I can see it.
I hear you, I hear you,
but I just think it's a great idea,
but you need to do some homework,
especially when you have to spend money.
- I know.
- You're not the best at spending money.
So that's all going to be a shock.
But, if we stay here
and get massively pissed,
it won't seem quite so daunting.
[Jeremy] Sadly, though,
we had to go home for an early night.
Because the following morning,
we had the big tractor test.
Sad day.
I mean, it's 20
So it's
12, 13 years old.
[Lisa] I think it should have retired
a couple of years ago.
[Jeremy] It's just the brakes never work.
- They don't.
- It blows fuses all the time.
- [Lisa] It does.
- We paid forty thousand for this one
five years ago?
That's been really good.
For forty grand, that's been amazing.
I know, and everybody laughed at me
when I said I've spent £40,000.
"You've spent £40,000 on a Lamborghini?"
That's phenomenally cheap!
You know that Massey Ferguson
- that Harriet's borrowing?
- Yeah, it's very sweet.
Do you know how much that costs?
160,000.
- Wow.
- 160,000.
- That's a lot.
- But anyway.
So I'm going to look.
If this is a Lamborghini
[Lisa] Yes?
I've decided to have a look
at the "Golf" range of tractors.
- Think of it in terms of underwear.
- Hm-mm.
This is Agent Provocateur.
I'm gonna look at the Bridget Jones
beige, big pants tractors.
[upbeat music]
Oh, look.
[Jeremy] At that moment,
Bridget Jones
came trundling up the drive.
It's green, so it's a John Deere.
Take a guess how much.
[Lisa] For this little thing?
- [Jeremy] £223,000.
- Wow!
[Lisa] Morning, John.
- [Jeremy] John Deere!
- Morning!
Do you know an interesting thing
about John Deere?
[Lisa] I don't.
- I do.
- [Lisa] Do you?
He never saw a tractor in his life.
Did you know that?
- Yeah, that's true!
- It's a true fact.
[engine revving]
[Jeremy] It's only got four cylinders.
[Lisa] Well, how many cylinders
do you need, though?
[Jeremy] Well, eight, usually.
[Lisa] Uh-oh, we've got a delivery.
[Jeremy] Who's this? What's
Oh, it's another tractor.
[Lisa] Why would you get more than one?
[Jeremy] I've got them all. All of them.
[Lisa] What's "all of them"?
[Jeremy] Eight.
[Lisa] Eight coming today? Eight?
Ah, Jesus. What have you done?
You didn't realise they were gonna come
on trailers, did you?
Eejit.
God's sake.
[Jeremy] Sensing the mood,
I hid
in the nearest tractor I could find,
which was a Fendt.
What the bloody hell?
- What do they all do?
- [salesman] All very simple.
- You can make them do
- It's not!
whatever you want to do!
Oh, you can choose what each button does?
[salesman] Yeah, you can assign anything,
anywhere, to suit the job you're doing.
Oh, you've got some more coming.
Oh no, I have, yes.
Oh, shit, I've really overdone this,
haven't I?
[salesman moaning]
[Lisa] Ah, Jesus.
Can you make it down there?
The new model of this one
now does 65 MPH.
[softly] Does it really?
[Lisa] Oi! Out!
- Now! And sort this calamity.
- Excuse me.
- [Lisa] Excuse me, sir.
- [salesman] You're needed.
It's International Women's Day tomorrow.
She's practising.
International Women's Day!
It doesn't matter who!
The fucking eejit male!
[salesman] Easiest one
to get in and out of.
That is actually rather good, isn't it?
[salesman moaning]
Can you make it down?
[driver] I won't get round.
You won't get round? Okay.
[Jeremy] With the chaos growing,
I immediately hid in another tractor cab.
This is the Italian tractor
you should have bought.
- [Jeremy] Oh, it's Italian?
- [salesman] Italian, yes.
Made in northern Italy.
Family-owned firm.
- We build 22,500 tractors a year.
- [Lisa] Oi!
Move it!
[Jeremy] Sorry. Shut the door.
It's a good-looking tractor, this.
You can tell the Italians have had
Oh, my giddy aunt.
Oh no, that's Harriet.
[Harriet] Oh. My. God.
Shit!
Jesus Christ!
[Jeremy] I thought you'd be like
a kid in a Barbie shop.
- [Harriet] What have you done?
- [Jeremy] Well, I got them all in,
which was,
I think with hindsight, a mistake.
How do you test-drive a tractor?
Well, put machinery on it.
[Lisa] For a week.
For a week!
We can't do that, we've got a day.
[Harriet] What are you gonna do
with them all?
[Jeremy] I don't know.
[Jeremy] The only solution
I could think of
was to allow myself to be engulfed
in a tidal wave of sales patter.
57 K semi-power shift.
All of the gear, engine and transmission
is all colour coded in orange.
Anything yellow's your PTO.
Anything blue is to do
with your hydraulics.
But instead of 1 to 4,
they're colour-coded
blue, orange, green and grey.
So in one hand, you can have 27 controls
if you really wanted.
[salesman moaning]
Dual-clutch technology,
like a racing car.
There's two clutches:
an odd clutch and an even clutch.
So if you just put your foot down,
it'll work its way up from B1
all the way to D5.
And if you're really interested,
that gives you two more sets
of those nine controls.
[salesman moaning]
So you've got a wheel on,
like, a hydraulic ram.
So you fire hydraulic oil into the ram
and it will push the ram up,
extend it or retract it,
depending on which way
you send oil to it.
I didn't understand any of that.
[Jeremy] An hour later, though,
I was more bewildered than ever.
[epic music]
So, I came up with a plan
to help me sort the wheat from the chaff.
I'm gonna test one feature,
the one feature which has driven me
mental in the Lamborghini,
the trailer hitch,
which is
this.
Now, you'd imagine
you'd push a button, it would come out,
hook onto whatever
you're trying to attach,
and then you push a button,
and it goes back in again.
But it never works like that.
One of them will have
a trailer-hitch system that works.
If the trailer-hitch system works,
- or works in a way that I can work it
- [Lisa] Yes.
It's likely everything else works.
Nice. So you want something
that speaks your language.
[Jeremy] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Once all the tractors
and drivers were lined up,
I took charge
of giving them their instructions.
Hello?
[loudspeaker] Olé, Olé, Olé, Olé
We are the champions ♪
[siren]
Jesus Christ!
- Does it actually work?
- Where's the thing?
[Jeremy on speaker]
Right, sorry about that, everybody.
We're going to do
a tow-hitch release test.
First I want Hang on a minute.
Have they got to get
What about their arms?
So, arms start on the floor.
[Jeremy on speaker] Arms start
on the floor.
- [Harriet on speaker] Yeah.
- [Jeremy on speaker] And?
Hitches out and down and then stop.
[Jeremy on speaker] No, they've
gotta start with their hitches in.
[Harriet on speaker] Yeah,
so arms on the floor. Lift your arms up.
Release your hitch.
Drop your hitch down.
[Jeremy on speaker]
It's the first to get their hitch out.
And down.
- [Jeremy on speaker] And down?
- Yeah.
[Jeremy on speaker] First to get
your hitch out and down, okay?
Except for the Fastrac
'cause that can't go out.
[on speaker] Except for the F What?
The Fastrac can't go out.
It can only go down.
[on speaker] Apart from the Fastrac.
JCB, you can only go down.
[Lisa] Out.
[Harriet and Jeremy] Down.
[Lisa] Down.
[Jeremy] With the rules
clearly explained,
we then broke out the stopwatch.
[Jeremy on speaker] Ready, steady, go.
[engine revving]
[Jeremy] Oh, here it comes.
And
- Stop.
- [Harriet on speaker] 13.6.
[speaker] Right, Mr Case.
[epic music]
14.57.
[Harriet] Oh!
[epic music continues]
[Jeremy on speaker] Go!
[engine revving]
[Harriet] That is fast arms.
[Jeremy] They are!
[Harriet] It's still gotta go down.
[epic music continues]
- 19!
- [Jeremy] 19 on the John Deere.
[Jeremy on speaker] Right. Valtra.
Fastest finger first.
[Jeremy on speaker] Go.
Look, you see?
- [Jeremy stuttering]
- [Harriet laughing]
My case rests.
It's not just me
that can't ever bloody do this.
- [Harriet] Ah, there we go.
- [Jeremy] Finally. And then
[Harriet] Nearly, nearly!
[Jeremy] Stop.
- Four days
- [Harriet laughing]
eleven hours.
[tense music]
[Jeremy on speaker] Right.
New Holland. Go.
- [Harriet] Oh, this is quick!
- [Jeremy] Bloody quick.
Stop.
[Harriet] 12.04.
[Jeremy] The New Holland
remained unbeaten.
And the test had given me
a top three from which to choose.
The Case,
the Fendt
and the New Holland.
[tense music]
Making that choice, though,
was filling me with absolute dread.
[tense music continues]
[upbeat music]
- Who Wants to Be a Millionaire suit.
- [Neil] That's it.
I wish I'd called and checked
on the dress code earlier.
[both chuckling]
[Jeremy] Today was definitely
a suit-wearing day,
because Neil the planning guy and I
had to meet with another local authority,
Cotswold District Council,
to talk about my planning application.
But, given how things had gone
with the Highways people,
the mood was good.
- I've made some notes.
- [Neil] Yeah?
[Jeremy] And we're looking for what?
We're looking for them to be helpful,
to say yes to things,
- rather than a West-Oxfordshire no.
- Yeah.
[Neil] Yeah, just have some agreement
that they're going to work with us,
and they think it's a good idea,
which it clearly is, isn't it, so.
[Jeremy] Well, yeah.
[Jeremy] The Cotswold Council
wouldn't allow us to film the meeting,
so we had to cut cameras at this point.
But afterwards,
Charlie, Neil and I met up in a café
to discuss how it had gone.
Okay, guys, come on. I mean, I'm
I'm just I cannot believe
we're back where we started from.
I have to tell the ladies and gentlemen
what's happened.
I genuinely looked for a pub
out of West Oxfordshire
to get away
from West Oxfordshire District Council.
Turn up at the meeting,
and who should be sitting there, on Zoom,
but Phil Shaw, our nemesis
from West Oxfordshire District Council,
who's also the planning officer
for over here in Gloucestershire.
And we had a man from Bourton Council,
and he just didn't have
a single positive thing to say,
not one single positive thing.
He was very concerned, wasn't he,
about his residents.
"Well, people are going to come
to your pub. They're going to come."
I know they are,
that's the point of a pub.
I wrote down the positives and
[Jeremy] Oh, well, that's a short list.
Yeah! Well, there were some.
They did accept I mean, the pub's had
eight owners in twelve years.
The guy said
it's just not doing very well.
Eight owners in twelve years, all failed.
We come along,
we'll make a success of it.
"Oh, that's what we're worried about."
That is genuinely
what they're worried about, because:
"Oh, you'll bring a lot of people."
- [Jeremy] Well, that's good.
- They said "theme park".
"You're gonna open a theme park." No,
it's a pub with a restaurant and a shop.
Disneyland does not have
butcher shops in it, as far as I know.
No.
[Jeremy] I honestly believed,
because it is an existing pub
and because it will eventually crumble,
'cause nobody's gonna buy it
apart from us,
they would bite our hands off.
But I'm filled with gloom after that.
I want to get this open by
- the August Bank Holiday weekend.
- [Neil] Hmm.
There's going to be nothing smooth about
this planning application, is there?
I think it might be time to have
a bit of a rethink.
- [upbeat music]
- [Jeremy] No, Lisa.
When was the last time you gave birth
to anything? Shut up.
[Harriet laughing]
[man] It has a good flow to it.
[Lisa] Very, very charming.
[Jeremy] You're back!
[Kaleb] You all right?
I had to get someone to help me.
You'll meet Harriet. You'll like her.
[upbeat music]