Mandy (2019) s04e02 Episode Script
Mad Mandy: Fury Road
1
This programme contains
strong language.
Oh, Mandy, well, you came
and you gave without taking
But I sent you away, oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and
stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy ♪
Well, well, well. Mandy Carter.
Wonderful to see you again.
So you did get my invitation?
Invitation? It's hardly a cheese
and fucking wine evening, is it?
It's not what I
call an invitation!
There's no RSV-fucking-P.
It's a brown envelope with the words
"Important, do not throw away" on it
and a letter that says I
have to attend an interview
or my benefits might be
affected, in big black letters!
Not exactly an invite to the
Governor's fucking Ball, is it?!
But yet here I am.
Have I missed the vol-au-vents, or
is the butler bringing those round?
OK, Mandy, as you know,
I have a statutory duty
to check on the status of
long-term benefits claimants
to see if there's something
that is preventing them
from achieving success in
the national job marketplace.
-Or whether they're just taking the mickey.
-And No.
And whether we need to devise a
get-back-to-work plan for them.
Yeah, yeah, I've got a
get-back-to-work plan for YOU!
Why don't YOU get back to work
instead of calling me in
here every week and making me
-Miss Bridge Of Lies with Ross Kemp?
-I don't know what that is.
I just don't see why we
have to keep up this fiasco.
Unless
-What?
-Unless you like me coming in here.
-Oh, God. - Is that it?
-No. - No? - No.
Do you think you might stand a
chance with little old Mandy Carter,
-yeah, is that it?
-No, Mandy, that's That's not a thing.
-Isn't it?
-No.
Isn't it?
-No.
-Sometimes it's like I can feel those little beady eyes
of yours burning into me
mentally undressing me.
-You're doing it now.
-No. I'm not.
And that's a very serious
accusation, actually, Mandy.
And it's legally incumbent
upon me to ask whether or not
-you'd like to register a formal complaint.
-Nah.
I mean, you're only
human, aren't you?
And I can't be bothered
with all the forms.
But it all goes in up 'ere,
for when the time is right
and BBC News want to get out of the
house and investigate some perverts
who don't work in the building.
Come on, then, let's
get this over with.
Right. OK, well, looking at your
recent employment history, Mandy
I mean, what happened
with the waitressing job?
That was an
up-market restaurant.
I had to pull a lot of
strings to get you that.
And you lasted all
of 23 minutes.
Apparently there was an incident
with a bottle of champagne.
CORK POPS
Agh!
I've only ever seen
champagne in the Formula 1.
-I thought that was how you served it.
-One man lost an eye.
I mean, this is serious, Mandy.
Not to mention the
dry-cleaning bill
had to be paid for
out of your earnings,
meaning that, incredibly, you
actually have less money now
than when you started the job.
I mean, what's it going to take
for you to find something that
you can actually stick with?
Can you drive?
-Why?
-Why? Because it would increase the amount of jobs
-you can apply for, wouldn't it?
-Oh
-So can you drive?
-Oh, um a bit.
-What does that mean?
-Well, I've had a few lessons a few years back,
but my instructors were all
absolute tools, the lot of them.
-But you did have some lessons?
-Yeah. 200 or 300.
-200 or 300?
-Yeah.
Not one of life's
natural drivers.
-Right. OK. So, do you have a licence?
-No.
Right. Well, that rules out a
lot of jobs, then, doesn't it?
-Well, like what?
-Like Like Think about it.
Like a delivery driver.
Like taxi driver.
Driver. Mobile library.
-There's an ice-cream van job going.
-Ice cream?
Why didn't you just say that
straight off? I'll get my licence.
Oh, OK. Good. There's a really
good place I can recommend, local.
They can get anyone passed
within three weeks, they claim.
-Three weeks? -Yeah.
-That job might be gone by then.
-It probably will.
-Oh!
Leave it with me.
SHOP BELL JANGLES
Mandy? What are you doing?
We don't want books in here.
They are totally at odds
with the happy-go-lucky vibe
-I'm trying to create.
-Been to the library.
Got out all the books they had
on how to pass your driving test.
Highway Code, How To
Pass Your Driving Test,
Driving Test For Dummies,
Driving Miss Daisy,
Confessions Of A
Driving Instructor.
You are really going
to learn to drive?
Complete idiots do it.
How hard can it be?
What is that on
your arm? Tattoos?
Oh, no. It's, uh, braking
distances. I've got my theory later.
Good luck, Mandy!
-Would you like me to test you on road signs?
-No need.
Got 'em all up my legs.
Could do with a lift to
the test centre, though.
Could be the last lift
you ever have to give me.
-Name?
-Mandy Carter.
-Is there anywhere I can get a cuppa soup while I wait?
-I'm afraid not.
-Have you got anything to put in a locker?
-Locker?
Why do I need a locker?
I'm here for a test,
not 20 lengths of breast stroke.
You have to put your
things into a locker
just to make sure
you can't cheat.
-I've got nothing.
-OK, well, great. Then you just need to be checked.
-Checked? - Let me have a little look at your ears, please.
-Ears? Why?
Some people try to put earpieces
in so that a friend can help them.
-Dirty cheats.
-Yes.
Yeah, people like that should
be banned from the roads.
Ears.
Now just roll up your
sleeves and trousers, please.
SHE GULPS
Sleeves and Why?
You're not going to believe
this, but some people actually
try and write the answers
up their arms and legs.
ALL LAUGH
Uh-oh, Mandy!
-How are you feeling?
-Not too great, actually.
-Think I better go home.
-Oh, God, that's a crying shame.
-You're going to have to get booked in for another time.
-Yeah.
OK, well, no rush. You just leave
whenever you're feeling better.
I'm going to head
back to reception.
Oh, hang on. Um, cos
I just wanted to ask,
um how long does the
test actually take?
Really good question.
It's about an hour.
-About an hour? - Mm.
-Right. So, what, that's, like, 60
-minutes - Yeah.
-..then? - Yeah.
-Yeah, it's about that.
-Yeah, all right, thanks for the tea, bye.
Congratulations, Mandy. I'm pleased
to say you passed your theory.
That's good, cos I've already
put in for my main test.
-It's tomorrow. Hope the examiner's not too pernickety.
-Uh-huh.
-Mandy Carter, ready for your test?
-Yeah. -Follow me, please.
Well, you passed
the eyesight test.
Yeah, seeing's no problem. Got
these big eyes like boiled eggs.
Please pull away when
it is safe to do so.
What are you writing?
When you went to pull away, you
didn't look all the way around.
I did.
-Not all the way.
-I'm not a fucking owl, am I?
-What are you writing now?
-None of your business.
Well, it is my fucking business.
"Very rude"?! You're
very fucking rude!
That's it! I'm
terminating the test!
Oh, no, please! Please! I'm sorry,
I overreacted. I'm sorry. I'm
I'm, uh perimenopausal
and I've got ADHD.
OK, I understand. I'll
give you one last chance.
Let's start again. Please pull
away when it is safe to do so.
On to the first
section of the test.
Let's try an emergency
stop when I
Oh!
-Not yet!
-You said "emergency stop"!
Not yet. When I bang my
clipboard on the dashboard.
Well, you did bang your
clipboard on the dashboard!
Please pull away when
it is safe to do so.
And we're off.
I'd forgotten how much
fun driving can be.
Is this a 50mph zone?
20, Miss Carter. Slow down.
TYRES SQUEAL
What is wrong with you? I said
you need to go much slower.
All right, keep your hair on!
-Oh! You're an idiot!
-How fucking dare you?!
I told you, you
need too slow down.
All right! I mixed up the
brake with the accelerator!
I beg your fucking pardon!
It's my first test!
I'm not Nigel Mansell or
the fucking Stig, am I?!
Keep your eyes on the road!
-What are you doing?
-You were drifting! -I'll drift you!
Turn those off!
MUSIC PLAYS
-That's the radio.
-Yeah, well, I can see that now, can't I?
-Keep your eyes on the road!
-Don't you fucking touch me!
-You are going to kill us!
-Get off!
Stop the car! Stop the car!
Right. Get out! I'll
drive from here.
Good riddance.
Ah! Stop! My coat!
SHE YELLS
MUSIC DROWNS OUT YELLING
Help! Somebody!
SHE YELLS
MUSIC DROWNS OUT YELLING
Please, please, please,
please, I'm begging you!
MUSIC OFF
Oh, fucking hell.
What's happened to you?
-You look awful.
-You tried to kill me.
Sorry about that.
Let's start again.
You're getting
blood on the seat.
I think there's some
wet wipes in there.
You are a lunatic!
Argh! Get off!
Get off!
You fucking idiot! Get back!
SHE SCREAMS
Get back!
I can't breathe!
Get off!
Oh!
CAR ALARM WAILS
Is that the end of the
test? Have I passed?
I never want to
see you ever again.
So congratulations,
Mandy Carter!
Yes!
MUSICAL JINGLE PLAYS
Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?
Oh, fuck me. What now?
Oh! What?
-Can I have a 99?
-Please!
-Can I have a 99, please?
-That's better.
Oh
Run out of ice cream. Do
you still want the flake?
Yes, please.
Run out of flakes. Do
you still want the cone?
-Yes, please.
-There you go.
There's no ice cream in this.
That's £1.50, please.
MUSICAL JINGLE PLAYS
This programme contains
strong language.
Oh, Mandy, well, you came
and you gave without taking
But I sent you away, oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and
stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy ♪
Well, well, well. Mandy Carter.
Wonderful to see you again.
So you did get my invitation?
Invitation? It's hardly a cheese
and fucking wine evening, is it?
It's not what I
call an invitation!
There's no RSV-fucking-P.
It's a brown envelope with the words
"Important, do not throw away" on it
and a letter that says I
have to attend an interview
or my benefits might be
affected, in big black letters!
Not exactly an invite to the
Governor's fucking Ball, is it?!
But yet here I am.
Have I missed the vol-au-vents, or
is the butler bringing those round?
OK, Mandy, as you know,
I have a statutory duty
to check on the status of
long-term benefits claimants
to see if there's something
that is preventing them
from achieving success in
the national job marketplace.
-Or whether they're just taking the mickey.
-And No.
And whether we need to devise a
get-back-to-work plan for them.
Yeah, yeah, I've got a
get-back-to-work plan for YOU!
Why don't YOU get back to work
instead of calling me in
here every week and making me
-Miss Bridge Of Lies with Ross Kemp?
-I don't know what that is.
I just don't see why we
have to keep up this fiasco.
Unless
-What?
-Unless you like me coming in here.
-Oh, God. - Is that it?
-No. - No? - No.
Do you think you might stand a
chance with little old Mandy Carter,
-yeah, is that it?
-No, Mandy, that's That's not a thing.
-Isn't it?
-No.
Isn't it?
-No.
-Sometimes it's like I can feel those little beady eyes
of yours burning into me
mentally undressing me.
-You're doing it now.
-No. I'm not.
And that's a very serious
accusation, actually, Mandy.
And it's legally incumbent
upon me to ask whether or not
-you'd like to register a formal complaint.
-Nah.
I mean, you're only
human, aren't you?
And I can't be bothered
with all the forms.
But it all goes in up 'ere,
for when the time is right
and BBC News want to get out of the
house and investigate some perverts
who don't work in the building.
Come on, then, let's
get this over with.
Right. OK, well, looking at your
recent employment history, Mandy
I mean, what happened
with the waitressing job?
That was an
up-market restaurant.
I had to pull a lot of
strings to get you that.
And you lasted all
of 23 minutes.
Apparently there was an incident
with a bottle of champagne.
CORK POPS
Agh!
I've only ever seen
champagne in the Formula 1.
-I thought that was how you served it.
-One man lost an eye.
I mean, this is serious, Mandy.
Not to mention the
dry-cleaning bill
had to be paid for
out of your earnings,
meaning that, incredibly, you
actually have less money now
than when you started the job.
I mean, what's it going to take
for you to find something that
you can actually stick with?
Can you drive?
-Why?
-Why? Because it would increase the amount of jobs
-you can apply for, wouldn't it?
-Oh
-So can you drive?
-Oh, um a bit.
-What does that mean?
-Well, I've had a few lessons a few years back,
but my instructors were all
absolute tools, the lot of them.
-But you did have some lessons?
-Yeah. 200 or 300.
-200 or 300?
-Yeah.
Not one of life's
natural drivers.
-Right. OK. So, do you have a licence?
-No.
Right. Well, that rules out a
lot of jobs, then, doesn't it?
-Well, like what?
-Like Like Think about it.
Like a delivery driver.
Like taxi driver.
Driver. Mobile library.
-There's an ice-cream van job going.
-Ice cream?
Why didn't you just say that
straight off? I'll get my licence.
Oh, OK. Good. There's a really
good place I can recommend, local.
They can get anyone passed
within three weeks, they claim.
-Three weeks? -Yeah.
-That job might be gone by then.
-It probably will.
-Oh!
Leave it with me.
SHOP BELL JANGLES
Mandy? What are you doing?
We don't want books in here.
They are totally at odds
with the happy-go-lucky vibe
-I'm trying to create.
-Been to the library.
Got out all the books they had
on how to pass your driving test.
Highway Code, How To
Pass Your Driving Test,
Driving Test For Dummies,
Driving Miss Daisy,
Confessions Of A
Driving Instructor.
You are really going
to learn to drive?
Complete idiots do it.
How hard can it be?
What is that on
your arm? Tattoos?
Oh, no. It's, uh, braking
distances. I've got my theory later.
Good luck, Mandy!
-Would you like me to test you on road signs?
-No need.
Got 'em all up my legs.
Could do with a lift to
the test centre, though.
Could be the last lift
you ever have to give me.
-Name?
-Mandy Carter.
-Is there anywhere I can get a cuppa soup while I wait?
-I'm afraid not.
-Have you got anything to put in a locker?
-Locker?
Why do I need a locker?
I'm here for a test,
not 20 lengths of breast stroke.
You have to put your
things into a locker
just to make sure
you can't cheat.
-I've got nothing.
-OK, well, great. Then you just need to be checked.
-Checked? - Let me have a little look at your ears, please.
-Ears? Why?
Some people try to put earpieces
in so that a friend can help them.
-Dirty cheats.
-Yes.
Yeah, people like that should
be banned from the roads.
Ears.
Now just roll up your
sleeves and trousers, please.
SHE GULPS
Sleeves and Why?
You're not going to believe
this, but some people actually
try and write the answers
up their arms and legs.
ALL LAUGH
Uh-oh, Mandy!
-How are you feeling?
-Not too great, actually.
-Think I better go home.
-Oh, God, that's a crying shame.
-You're going to have to get booked in for another time.
-Yeah.
OK, well, no rush. You just leave
whenever you're feeling better.
I'm going to head
back to reception.
Oh, hang on. Um, cos
I just wanted to ask,
um how long does the
test actually take?
Really good question.
It's about an hour.
-About an hour? - Mm.
-Right. So, what, that's, like, 60
-minutes - Yeah.
-..then? - Yeah.
-Yeah, it's about that.
-Yeah, all right, thanks for the tea, bye.
Congratulations, Mandy. I'm pleased
to say you passed your theory.
That's good, cos I've already
put in for my main test.
-It's tomorrow. Hope the examiner's not too pernickety.
-Uh-huh.
-Mandy Carter, ready for your test?
-Yeah. -Follow me, please.
Well, you passed
the eyesight test.
Yeah, seeing's no problem. Got
these big eyes like boiled eggs.
Please pull away when
it is safe to do so.
What are you writing?
When you went to pull away, you
didn't look all the way around.
I did.
-Not all the way.
-I'm not a fucking owl, am I?
-What are you writing now?
-None of your business.
Well, it is my fucking business.
"Very rude"?! You're
very fucking rude!
That's it! I'm
terminating the test!
Oh, no, please! Please! I'm sorry,
I overreacted. I'm sorry. I'm
I'm, uh perimenopausal
and I've got ADHD.
OK, I understand. I'll
give you one last chance.
Let's start again. Please pull
away when it is safe to do so.
On to the first
section of the test.
Let's try an emergency
stop when I
Oh!
-Not yet!
-You said "emergency stop"!
Not yet. When I bang my
clipboard on the dashboard.
Well, you did bang your
clipboard on the dashboard!
Please pull away when
it is safe to do so.
And we're off.
I'd forgotten how much
fun driving can be.
Is this a 50mph zone?
20, Miss Carter. Slow down.
TYRES SQUEAL
What is wrong with you? I said
you need to go much slower.
All right, keep your hair on!
-Oh! You're an idiot!
-How fucking dare you?!
I told you, you
need too slow down.
All right! I mixed up the
brake with the accelerator!
I beg your fucking pardon!
It's my first test!
I'm not Nigel Mansell or
the fucking Stig, am I?!
Keep your eyes on the road!
-What are you doing?
-You were drifting! -I'll drift you!
Turn those off!
MUSIC PLAYS
-That's the radio.
-Yeah, well, I can see that now, can't I?
-Keep your eyes on the road!
-Don't you fucking touch me!
-You are going to kill us!
-Get off!
Stop the car! Stop the car!
Right. Get out! I'll
drive from here.
Good riddance.
Ah! Stop! My coat!
SHE YELLS
MUSIC DROWNS OUT YELLING
Help! Somebody!
SHE YELLS
MUSIC DROWNS OUT YELLING
Please, please, please,
please, I'm begging you!
MUSIC OFF
Oh, fucking hell.
What's happened to you?
-You look awful.
-You tried to kill me.
Sorry about that.
Let's start again.
You're getting
blood on the seat.
I think there's some
wet wipes in there.
You are a lunatic!
Argh! Get off!
Get off!
You fucking idiot! Get back!
SHE SCREAMS
Get back!
I can't breathe!
Get off!
Oh!
CAR ALARM WAILS
Is that the end of the
test? Have I passed?
I never want to
see you ever again.
So congratulations,
Mandy Carter!
Yes!
MUSICAL JINGLE PLAYS
Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?
Oh, fuck me. What now?
Oh! What?
-Can I have a 99?
-Please!
-Can I have a 99, please?
-That's better.
Oh
Run out of ice cream. Do
you still want the flake?
Yes, please.
Run out of flakes. Do
you still want the cone?
-Yes, please.
-There you go.
There's no ice cream in this.
That's £1.50, please.
MUSICAL JINGLE PLAYS