Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) s04e02 Episode Script

1
Ha-ha-ha!
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to Mrs Brown's Boys!
She's Mrs Brown
Agnes
That's Mrs Brown
Agnes
Our Mrs Brown. ♪
A-L-I-V-E, enter.
Wrong again, you bastard.
What do you mean, there's no V in it?
There has to be a vowel!
Hello there!
Cathy introduced me
to this feckin' Wordle.
Oh, God.
I'm going to bust that phone
before the end of the day.
And the words they use,
they're made up! Fickititious.
Yesterday's word was "trite".
What does that even mean, "trite"?
Mind you, I got it half right.
Yeah, I typed "shite".
Hi, Agnes. Oh, hello, Winnie.
Good morning.
Or could I say good afternoon?
What time do you call this?
Oh, I'm sorry, pet.
I was doing me Wordle.
I don't want to talk
about that game any more.
How many guesses did it take you?
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't blame you.
It was very hard today, wasn't it?
Why do you do that, Winnie?
I say I don't want to talk
about something
and you just carry on regardingless.
I!
I know the words are in there.
Get them out.
I was really happy when I got it.
The line, is that it?
Yeah. Yeah.
How did you get it?
I didn't even get three letters.
Oh, well, you know what they say,
Agnes.
A bird in the hand makes
it hard to blow your nose.
No, Winnie, I don't know,
because nobody feckin' says that.
What was the answer, then?
Oh, well, I can't tell you that,
Agnes, it would ruin the fun.
Fun?! Do I look like I'm having fun?!
I nearly had an aneurysm
because of it.
You want tea?
Yes, thank you.
Is that it? Is that the word,
"thank"?
No. Then why did you pretend it was?
I didn't. I just said thank you.
No, no, Winnie, you didn't say
thank you -
you didn't say, "Thank YOU."
You said, "THANK you."
What am I doing? I don't care. Hmm.
Here, Agnes, the new family
are moving into number 85 today.
Oh. I seen the family coming
and going.
G-O-I-N-G
That's it! "Going", is that the word?
Agnes, what's wrong with you?
Nothing. Just stop using five-letter
words, will you?
How are you, Mrs McGoogan?
Good morning, Mammy.
Good morning, chicken.
Did you get your Wordle, Cathy?
Please, can we change the subject?
Agnes bored.
I thought you loved it.
Loved it?!
How can I love something
that just tortures me?
It's like having
A daughter like Sharon.
That's not what I was going to say,
Winnie,
but do go on, give us the gossip.
Sharon's stomping around the house
like a bear with his
horns caught in the fence.
Bears don't have
Oh, it doesn't matter.
What's wrong with her?
Let me guess.
She did it again, did she?
She mistook her curling tongs for the
diddly-diddly her-hildy doo-do.
Bring-ding-ding-ding,
bring-ding-ding!
Mammy! Please.
Bring-ding-ding-ding Mammy!
Bring
Winnie, that's not like Sharon.
What's wrong with her?
Well, she's in a mood, Cathy,
because she can't do the date thing
with Father Damien.
Oh, no. She was so excited for it.
What happened?
Well, she can't get anybody
to cover the bar.
Oh, that's crap.
Hello?!
Father Damien dating
Sharon McGoogan?!
Am I the only one that sees
a situation here?
No, it's not them dating.
Father Damien is organising a speed
dating night for charity in Foley's.
And what, pray tell, is speed dating?
I mean, your father was fast,
you know?
Mammy!
It's where you meet loads of people
on the same night.
Oh, an orgy.
No, it's nothing to do with whales.
With speed dating, you meet
all sorts of different people,
but it's really quick.
As soon as you finish
with one person,
you rush to meet with someone else.
Oh, like dogging.
I-I I believe. I read it
in a magazine somewhere.
For God's sake,
why do I waste my time?
I'll go call in and check on Sharon.
Oh, thanks, Cathy, love.
Look, Dermot, talk to Barbara.
Come on, Betty.
It's not up to me.
I only joined Barbara in the salon
to handle the social media.
I want that contract.
What part of "talk to Barbara"
did you not hear?
What are you, her bodyguard?
Get out of the way. Agh!
Ma, tell him to let me go.
Come on, you big baby,
calling your mammy.
Mark! I'm going to count to three.
And?
And then I'm going to count to six.
How are you, Ma? Oh, I'm grand.
I'm just enjoying the peace
and fucking quiet here.
What's going on?
These two clowns are annoying Betty.
We're trying to help.
Come on, Mark. Let's just go home
and have a cuppa in peace.
You all right, Dermot? I'm grand.
Aah! Don't touch me.
Dermot, why are you annoying
Betty like that?
Wash and Blow are looking to hire
a company to help attract customers.
Barbara wants us to make
a presentation.
Oh, that's good. No, Mammy. Not good.
I shouldn't have to make
a presentation, Ma.
Me brother owns the salon.
So what? That doesn't
entitle you to anything.
Nothing. Dermot,
if you want a business,
you have to go about it
the right way.
Put the work in. Put the work in.
Fine.
Did you get your Wordle, Buster?
Will you stop it, Winnie?
Why would Buster be doing Wordle?
A-G-I-L-E. Agile.
You got it! Well done, Buster.
Yes. Well fuckin' done.
What are they taking out of
the truck now?
I think it's called a futon.
You know, it's like a pouffe.
Oh, something you put your "foot on".
They're expensive, Agnes.
They must have a few bob, so.
Well, if they're calling
their pouffe a futon,
I bet they're full of shit.
Here, what's that, Agnes?
It looks like a grandfather clock.
Or a coffin!
What's this? Jesus, Cathy!
You frightened the
shyness out of me.
What are you two up to?
Well, the new family are moving into
number 85, and they have a futon.
Which is none of our business.
Now, let's get back to the kitchen
and not be so nosy. Right.
They have a load of cushions.
Cushions? What kind of?
I'm just kidding!
You bitch.
I'd better be off, Agnes.
If I hear anything about
the new family, I'll let you know.
OK, Winnie.
I'm off too, Mammy.
See you later. See you, Cathy.
It'll be nice to have new people
in the street.
We haven't had anybody new in the
street since - oh, 2003.
That's 20 years.
Or if you're watching
this on repeat, pick a year.
The last family that lived
there were the Houlihans.
Lovely family, very close.
They liked to stick together.
Yeah. They're all in prison now.
Excuse me.
Do you want the Wordle solution?
Feck off.
No. That's seven letters.
Do you know what else
is seven letters?
Funeral.
Yours!
Yeah? Oh, for fuck's sake.
Hello, Father. Do come in.
Actually, I was just visiting
your new neighbour
and I was hoping
to introduce her to you.
Well, drop her round any time.
Good. Come along, Mrs Flanagan.
Oh, now? Oh
Do come in.
What a lovely home you have.
Thank you very much.
Mrs Brown, this is Mrs Flanagan.
Birdie Flanagan.
Everyone calls me Birdie.
That's nice.
Mrs Agnes Brown.
Everyone calls me Mrs Brown.
Agnes is it, so?
Hope the kettle's boiling.
I'd love a cuppa.
Me throat is as dry
as a jockey's crotch.
That woman has no manners,
and she's so arrogant.
Yes. You two will get along
just fine.
I'll be off, then.
So he says Yeah?
"Are you a virgin?"
Oh! I just nodded me head.
I hadn't the heart to tell him
I was banging like the toilet door
on the Isle of Man ferry!
Oh, my God!
I can't believe you knew
"The Hammer" Murphy. Knew him?!
He was the father to me first child!
Your husband? No. Just a fling.
Get it where you can, I say!
Oh, you're a gas.
Oh, Winnie. Winnie, come in.
Birdie Flanagan, meet me
longest friend, Winnie McGoogan.
She doesn't look too long to me!
I see what you mean!
Winnie, sit down and have
a cup of tea.
Birdie's in my chair.
Well, sit down over there!
You're all right.
I have stuff to be doing, anyway.
Methinks Winnie is a bit whiny!
Yeah!
Listen, I'd better go myself
and unpack.
No, stay where you are.
Yeah I'll let myself out.
OK! See you, Agnes. Bye!
Hello there.
Birdie Flanagan -
and Birdie must fly.
I can't see her
getting off the ground.
What the hell was that?
New neighbour. Funny lady.
I think we're going to get on.
Well, she's not shy, anyway.
No, she's not.
Are you heading out, Cathy?
Yeah. Foley's.
Bit early to be drinking.
I'm not drinking. I offered
to cover the bar for Sharon
for the date night Oh.
..so she's training me in.
Really? I thought you'd be going to
the date night yourself,
try and get yourself a man.
I was, but then I thought,
what's the point?
It'll just be full of locals.
Yeah, and you've had all them.
No, they just wouldn't be my type.
Oh, you have a type?
What's it, pick and mix, is it?
No. Sharon really wanted to go,
so I'm giving it a miss so she can.
Well, you're very good to do
that for her -
but I don't want you
bursting into tears now
when some hunk walks into the bar.
I'll take my chances, Mammy.
And if you hear of any single people
looking for a ticket for the
date night, give them that.
Oh!
I'm single.
Yeah, right. As if you'd be going.
I might. Winnie said she was going.
She's helping Father Damien -
she's working at it.
So is Dermot. Dermot is not single.
Dermot is the compere. Mm.
You can't go, Mammy.
It's just not right.
Yeah, well Actually, just give me
me ticket back.
No, no, no, no.
It's my ticket now.
Mammy. Cathy.
All right! You've had your fun!
Now give me me ticket!
If you want it, come and get it.
This is not over.
Oh, Jesus.
What's going on?
Dermot wants to show Barbara
something.
I can read lips.
Very nice.
So I'll just jump in
when I see you struggling?
No, because you won't
see me struggling.
What did he say?
Going to start juggling.
Oh, that'll be fun.
What's that?
Oh, it's a stopwatch.
I'm in charge of the timing at
Father Damien's date night thingy.
Just practising.
OK, well, leave the
presentation to me.
So, what? I just stand here?
No - stand there,
so they can see the sign.
And look smart.
You need to make this quick, Dermot.
I'll be done in a flash.
He says he's going to do a flash.
Oh, I hope he waxed his scrotum.
A quick pitch.
He says she's a sick bitch.
Oh, she is. Starting from now.
Will you stop?
Pick up the pace, Dermot.
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.
Every salon out there is offering
the same thing -
haircuts, hair colour, blow-dry.
The question is, how do you
stand out from the crowd?
What? He says something
about a blowjob in a crowd.
Oh, she'd be well into that, now.
You tell me, Dermot.
To be competitive, you need to
offer customers
something they can't get
anywhere else.
And how do we do that?
A complimentary ten-minute facial.
We're not beauticians.
You don't need to be.
I've been importing these.
What's them?
Condoms.
Extra large.
Well, he is his father's son.
28 seconds gone, Dermo.
You offer a free facial with every
blow-dry, and before you know it,
the customers will be queuing
up outside the door.
I can't make head nor tail of this.
Where do they come from?
North Korea.
Did you know they're the world
leaders in facial skincare?
Did you also know that North Koreans
are shorter than South Koreans?
Really? That's mad!
With our help, you can expect
to see a 30% rise in Time's up!
Sorry.
Sorry, Dermot,
but I can't see it working.
Oh! Um
Stand over there.
Bit more.
Look smart.
OK, and go.
Anyone that buys a ticket for the
speed dating night in Foley's
gets a 20% discount pamper
package from Wash and Blow.
That way, you get to see if there's
a market for this kind of thing -
and if there is, we get the contract
to handle the promotion.
All rights are reserved by
Wash and Blow
and its partner company
D&B promotions.
May cause death,
please consult your doctor.
Stop. Yes!
You've got yourselves a deal.
She's offering Dermot a feel.
OK. So, here's everyone's job.
Cathy, you're working the bar.
Dermo, you're our compere.
Buster is timing
and switchover bell.
So far, we don't have anyone
to do security.
Do we even need security?
It's Foley's.
We know everyone that'll be there.
No, Cathy, I advertised
this event on social media.
People from all over Dublin
have bought tickets.
I thought it was just locals.
Oh, no.
There's loads of outsiders coming.
We've two firemen from Phibsborough,
a rugby player from Swords -
all kinds.
Mammy!
You don't even like rugby.
I want me ticket back.
Oh, where is it? Where did I put it?
Wait a minute. Hold on.
Oh, look at that.
I'll get it.
Why don't you do security, Father?
Oh, no. I'll be far too busy.
Oh, yeah? Doing what?
I'll be doing the Lord's work,
Mrs McGoogan.
I bet Agnes will be busy, too.
Chatting to her new pal, Birdie.
I beg your pardon, Winnie? Nothing.
You all know our new neighbour,
Mrs Flanagan.
Hello, all. Hiya, Birdie.
What is all that?
Are we going to have a party?
Oh, Jesus!
No, we're arranging things
for the speed date night.
Oh, Cathy, you'll do well at that.
I wish - I've to cover the bar
for my friend Sharon.
Well, I was a barmaid.
If you like,
I'll cover for you, love.
Would you, Birdie?
That'd be great!
Cup of tea.
You're a star, Birdie!
Isn't she just wonderful?
Oh, hello, everyone.
Hello, son. What about Mark?
Mark could do security.
Ha! He couldn't put a butt out.
What was that? Actually, Father,
now that I think of it,
Mark wouldn't be a bad shout.
Great.
Mark will man the door.
What's that now?
You're going to be our security
guard for the date night tonight.
Like a bouncer?
And, Mark, no ticket means no entry.
No exceptions. You got it.
Hey!
No ticket, no entry, pilgrim.
Very good.
Marilyn Monroe. Y Very good.
Er, Dermo?
There's a problem at the salon.
What is it? I don't know, but Betty
called and she sounded flustered.
"Whaa, whaa, whaa! Whaa! Whaa!"
That's the way she sounds
all the time.
Cathy, we'd better get over there.
I can't, Mammy.
I've to open Foley's in 20 minutes
and prepare Birdie
for the date night.
Winnie, come on. You come with me.
Oh, now I exist?
Winnie! Coming.
They can't be gone off.
I got them in 2018.
They should be nice and creamy.
Do these look creamy to you?!
I'm going to kill you two.
I'm just a distributor.
He's the importer.
I can't get it off, Mrs Brown!
Well, never mind you -
what about those poor bastards
in there?
They're all here to get their
hair done for the date night.
What are we going to do?
OK, first of all, we need a plan.
I'll put the kettle on.
No, you won't, Winnie. No.
Winnie, you take
the two girls out the back
and see if you can
get that stuff off.
You two
Feck off, just go. Go.
Terribly sorry to keep you ladies -
just a little bit
of a technical hitch.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
What are you going to do?
I'm going to buy you time.
Go.
Yeah, I hear you. I hear you.
OK, let me have a look.
Yeah
Hold on, I'll take it
Oh, that is really put on, isn't it?
Not cooked yet.
Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.
Look at that, it's really -
now that's coming on nicely.
Yes. Yes, I hear you.
Well, I don't usually cut,
really, but
OK, I'll give it a go.
Agnes, it's peeling off.
Oh, great stuff, Winnie, well done.
Hey, listen, hurry up, will you?
Because this one's getting impatient.
Right.
Oh
Oh Oh!
Yes, I hear you. I hear you.
Yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, Shirley Temple.
I got you, I got you.
We got most of it off. Good.
Go back inside and help Winnie -
and when you come back out
she needs her eyebrows done.
Yes, I'm coming.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
What did you do to Hillary's hair?!
Hillary? Yeah!
That's Hillary Nicholson?
Yeah.
Winnie!
Come on. We're out of here.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
Get out of the way!
I fucking told you!
Get out of the way. Excuse me.
Mark, love, do your mother
a favour, will you?
Let me in early, get a nice seat.
Doors open eight o'clock.
Seriously, love.
Ma. Stay behind the rope, please.
What is this, a fanny convention?
- Where's all the men?
- Yeah!
Ah, calm down, ladies.
Winnie's letting the men
in the back door.
Oh, not for the first time, Winnie!
Oh, now you're pushing!
I'm first. Whatever's left
they can share amongst themselves.
OK. Have your tickets ready
for inspection - and your IDs.
That's my son.
He's a charmer, isn't he?
The number on the ticket
is your table number.
Number one. Good girl. Thank you.
Thank you, son. There you go.
Ahem. Tickets, please.
I don't need a ticket. It's my bar.
Not tonight it's not.
If you don't have a ticket,
stand back from the door, please.
Tickets. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Pint of cider, Cathy.
Would "please" be too much to ask?
Oh make it snappy.
I'll get that, Cathy. You get
out there and get yourself a man.
Agnes.
Oh, hello, Hillary.
I will never, ever set foot inside
that salon for as long as I live.
Wait, now It's about to start,
maybe you should
I have never, ever
been so embarrassed.
Oh, come on. You must have been.
Just look at what they did to me!
I have never seen you
looking so well!
Oh!
In a moment, the men will enter
through that door
and take a seat at a table -
on hearing this sound
the men will then move
to the next table
to begin the next date.
- Do you understand the rules?
- Yes!
Now, are you ready? Yes!
Are you steady? Yes!
Dermot, if I don't see an army
of penises
coming in that door very soon,
I will shove that microphone
up your
Let's get it on!
Dermot! Dermot, I don't have one.
Where's my date? I don't have a date.
Relax, Ma. He's coming.
Oh, hello there.
Oh, hello!
Do be sitting down. Merci.
Oh Bonjour, madame.
Oh!
Je m'appelle Franc.
It's warm in here, isn't it?
Oh
Winnie! Winnie!
He's French.
Get condoms.
Je m'appelly Je m'appelly Agnes.
Or, as they say in French
Agnes.
No, no, no!
That was too short! No!
I have to go now. No, no, no, no.
You stay where you are.
Dermot, stewards' inquiry.
That wasn't long enough.
I don't know if I'm coming or going.
You stay where you are, love,
and I'll make that decision for you.
We are moving on. No, no.
Dermot, stop the clock.
I want this one.
Mammy, you're making a scene.
Oh, Cathy, I want you
to meet your new daddy.
He's going to call you Nicole,
I want you to call him Papa.
Come, Franc.
Let me introduce myself.
No, no. Excuse me.
Excuse me!
Please let the men move
swiftly to the next table, Mammy.
Ugh.
Oh, hey, Sharon.
I think the tables are all full.
Get up.
Up!
Well, hello there, acrobat.
Buy a girl a drink?
I'm not an acrobat.
Not yet, baby. Not yet.
Now, Agnes, I picked this one
just for you.
You can feck off.
Buster, Buster.
Ring the bell.
Nope.
Hello. I'm Roger. What's your name?
Agnes.
Buster. Ring the fucking bell.
Hello. I'm Roger. What's your name?
OK, mine is broken.
Can we get him rebooted? Hello?!
Ring the fucking bell, Buster!
Oh, what a pity. It's all over.
How sad. Bye-bye.
Oh, that wasn't very long.
I've had births that felt shorter.
Mammy.
Go away, Cathy!
Mammy, Roger wants
to ask you something.
What?
Can I get your number?
Oh, all right. Here.
Now fuck off.
Now, where's that French toast?
I want a nibble.
Hey! Hey!
Back off. Back off!
That's my one!
I wouldn't be able for
all that dating shite.
No. If I had to start all over
again, I'd just give up.
I'd live with my best friend. You.
Or Birdie.
What, Winnie?
Well, you two seemed to be
all over each other.
I'm just trying to be nice
to a new neighbour.
You should get to know her.
Birdie is fun, she's nice -
and she's smart.
Well, I'm fun and I'm nice
and I'm smart.
Oh, Winnie, don't exaggerate.
I'm only joking!
That was a waste of time.
Oh. I don't know, Cathy,
there was a few men who left happy
with a phone number.
Yeah, all the same number -
Sharon's. Sharon's. Yeah!
I just popped in to say goodnight.
Goodnight, Birdie.
Did you see anything there
to float your boat?
Oh, no. I'm done with men.
Seven sons. They keep me busy.
Seven sons?! Mm.
God, their father must be proud.
Fathers. What?
Seven fathers.
You're kidding me! No.
In the old neighbourhood,
they used to call me Seven Rides
For Seven Brothers!
I'll see you tonight.
Hang on, Birdie. I'll walk you home.
Oh, I'd like that, Winnie.
Well, goodnight, then, Mammy.
Oh, you off to bed, Cathy?
Er, no.
One of the guys I met
wanted me to go to a nightclub,
so I'm just going for an hour or so.
Oh, did I see him there at all?
Hello there.
Are you ready, ma cherie?
Oh, just coming, Franc.
Night-night, Mammy.
Goodnight, madame.
Franc the planc.
He's too old for me, anyway.
Well, it's been a hell of a week.
Father Damien's date night was chaos,
but he raised 200 euro for charity -
and Sharon McGoogan's going
to be very busy
for the next couple of weeks.
So some good came out of it!
And despite all the trouble that
Dermot caused for Barbara and Betty,
he got the contract.
Well, he's family.
Blood is thicker than water -
and nothing is thicker than Buster.
You know, Birdie is lovely
but she's not Winnie.
I'm sure Birdie's going to be
a nice friend, but
Winnie is special.
Old friends are best.
And Winnie is my best friend.
And old.
Goodnight, Winnie.
And goodnight to you.
Say hello to the queen
of Dublin town
As the best mum of all
she wears the crown
Mother hen watching all her chicks
Sassy old lady full of tricks
It's a safe bet she'd never
let life get her down
She's Mrs Brown Agnes
That's Mrs Brown Agnes
Our Mrs Brown. ♪