Ted Lasso (2020) s04e02 Episode Script
Curiouser and Curiouser!
1
["HONKY CAT" PLAYING]
[GROANS]
[SIGHS]
Oh, good morning.
Today on the show, we'll meet the
winners of our UK's
Ugliest Home contest.
Oh, yeah, also making a new
recipe with popular online chef, Momo,
who also happens
to be a chimpanzee.
[HAMMOND] Now, I wonder if he's gonna
make something with bananas in it.
- [O'LEARY] Banana bread maybe.
- [HAMMOND] Or maybe banana pancake.
Oh, man.
- Morning, Mae.
- Morning, Ted.
Hey, thanks again for the
accommodations upstairs.
They're perfect and convenient.
Stay as long as you like 'cause
the only other renters I get
either have little yapping dogs
or cocaine habits. [CHUCKLES]
Both are a pain in the
arse at 4:00 in the morning.
And after they check out,
there's shit everywhere.
Yeah. What do we got here?
Something to set you up for the day.
Oh, that's mighty kind of you, but
I'm not really a morning beer person.
It's Guinness. That's a full meal.
Hmm. Still.
- But I'll see you later, all right?
- [CHUCKLES]
Bit early for my second
of the day, but fuck it.
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[JACKHAMMERING]
I guess nothing stays the same.
[WORKER 1] Okay.
A little bit to the right.
- Welcome back, Coach.
- Thank you, sir.
Too bad you're coaching a
bunch of girls, you wanker.
I guess some things do stay the same.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Come in.
[HIGGINS GROANING]
- [CHUCKLES]
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Morning, Leslie.
- Hello, Rebecca.
[REBECCA] Hmm.
- Hmm. Ooh. [GASPS]
- [GRUNTS, PANTS] For you.
Tell me you didn't write
a novel in your downtime.
[CHUCKLES] What downtime, Rebecca?
No, with the Twickenham FC
women's team going under,
I felt compelled to commission
a more extensive analysis
of our women's team viability.
"Knox and Sullivan's strategic assessment
of the short and long-term viability
of professional women's
football in London,
TW2 7BU prepared for Leslie R "
Hmm. " Higgins on
behalf of AFC Richmond."
Crikey, that's a bit
of a mouthful, isn't it?
Oh, I agree. So for short,
I think we should call it the
KSSASLVPWFLTPLRHBAR report.
I think we just call it The
Higgins Report, shall we?
Oh, I'm flattered.
Hmm. So, uh, what's the gist of it then?
I haven't read it yet.
I spent the entire evening
memorizing the acronym,
but I will read it all and give
you a summary the moment I'm done.
Perfect. Thank you.
Oh, and who's that for?
- Keeley.
- Oh.
Let's just see what
it's all about first,
shall we, before
bothering Keeley with it?
Oh, of course.
[GROANS]
Oh, and Coach Chilton is outside.
She requested to have a word with you.
Oh, good Lord, that
little ray of sunshine.
- Right. Let her in.
- Ah.
Ooh.
[HIGGINS] Oh!
- [REBECCA SIGHS]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
Good morning, Coach Chilton.
Based on what?
May I sit?
[STAMMERS] Hmm.
Sorry, may I may I sit over there?
- [STAMMERS]
- Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Miss Welton, I know we haven't had much
interaction over the last few months,
but I wanted to thank you
for giving me the opportunity
to be part of Richmond's
first women's team.
Oh, you've been absolutely
fantastic. Hasn't she, Leslie?
Oh, yes. And all under
budget, may I add.
Unlike the men's team.
Coach Kent's alternative milk
budget alone is frankly unreasonable.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [HIGGINS CHUCKLES]
[CLICKS TONGUE]
So what can I help you with?
I'm resigning.
Oh.
When I came here to help build
this team from the ground up,
I was hoping it would
lead to something bigger.
And even though I initially agreed
to stay on as assistant manager
after being passed over,
I've now come to realize that I have
higher aspirations for myself than that.
So I will take this week to help
with the new manager's transition.
I will prepare a list of
candidates for the new assistant,
and my last day will be Friday.
All I ask for is a
letter of recommendation.
Of course.
And obviously if there's
anything I can help you with,
then please don't hesitate to ask.
[EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Actually, yeah, I do have a question.
Did you ever consider me for head coach?
- No.
- Hmm.
- Did you consider any woman?
- No.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- [GURGLES]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
[STAMMERS] She said what?
That I'm some woman-hating monster.
That I'm not a feminist.
- [GASPS]
- She didn't say any of that.
Oh, don't be daft, Leslie.
It was implied.
Implication is everything!
Thank you!
And clearly you are a feminist
because you just started
a badass women's team
- Right.
- and you'll do whatever it takes
and spend whatever it takes
to make sure it's successful, right?
- Exactly.
- Plus, you didn't just hire any man.
You rehired Ted fucking Lasso.
My middle name is actually
pronounced frickin'.
- [GASPS] Ted!
- Ted.
- Hey. [CHUCKLES] Hello, sir.
- [CHUCKLES]
[SNIFFS]
- Hmm?
- Is that what I think it is?
Yes, ma'am.
- Gates barbecue.
- [CHUCKLES]
And a one-time special installment
of Brisket with the Boss.
Oh, Ted, you don't seriously
think I can eat smoked meat at
- nine o'clock in the morning, do you?
- Actually I do.
- Oh, it's got a little fork. [GASPS]
- [KEELEY GASPS]
Are Henry and Michelle all settled?
They get here next week, actually. Yeah.
Thanks for all your help
setting that up, boss.
Anytime.
Oh, Ted, I can't believe
you're here! I'm so excited.
Hey, you know
what I'm excited about?
Getting to meet the lady
that put this sucker together.
- Look at that. [CHUCKLES]
- What is that?
It's a full dossier on all
the players from the women's team.
The attention to detail in
this thing would make da Vinci blush.
Yeah, I can't wait to work
with this Coach Chilton.
Ted, we have some bad news.
No, we have good news.
- Coach Chilton resigned this morning.
- Oh.
It's fine. You could always
get Coach Beard to fill her spot.
He's under contract
with the men's team.
And I think it'd be good to
have a woman on staff, you know?
Yeah, that's what
I was thinking earlier.
I just want to say it might be for
the best that Coach Chilton is leaving.
- Why?
- Why?
- Well, um, she
- [INHALES]
- She's somewhat
- She's Uh
Can be a bit, uh
- [STAMMERING]
- Who does she remind me of?
- It's a bit like, um
- [STAMMERING]
- [KEELEY] I don't know. [STAMMERS]
- Oh, just say it.
She's an absolute
Seaward.
Caroline Seaward.
Head physio for the women's team.
But I'm not just
here for the players.
I'm here for you as well.
- Oh, okay.
- Whatever problems you might be having
- as a middle-aged man, I got you.
- Great.
[WHISPERS] Including bum stuff.
Complete confidentiality.
[INHALES SHARPLY]
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
All right, thank you. [CHUCKLES]
Nice to meet you, Caroline.
- [MUTTERS]
- Yeah. Oh, yeah, you can't talk.
No, I got the key. [CHUCKLES]
[ROY] All right,
I'm bored, last question.
[JOURNALISTS]
Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy.
[ROY] Oi, for fuck's sake, shut up.
You. Paddington fucking Bear.
[REPORTER]
Oh, I didn't think you'd call on me.
Thank you. Excuse me. My question is
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[ROY] What the fuck are you doing?
[CHUCKLES]
Welcome back.
[TED] Thank you.
How's that knee holding up?
Oh, fine.
Why the fuck would something
we use so fucking much
be held together by ligaments
the size of rubber bands?
Hmm. I always figured God
started up top, you know,
working really hard on the
brains and heart and stuff,
but once he got past our privates,
he just started phoning it in.
Hmm. It's good to see you.
You too.
Come on.
[GROANS]
Oh, looks like y'all did
a little redecorating, huh?
Oh, this is recent.
Beard wanted to be alone.
Between you coming back and
the whole thing with Jane,
I think he's all fucked in the head.
- Yeah.
- [GROANS]
[GROANS]
What about you? How are you doing?
- Great.
- You and Keeley?
Uh, she said y'all have become
really, really good friends.
[STAMMERS] Her words, not mine.
- She said really twice?
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, let me ask you something.
What's the buzz with, uh, my
now former assistant coach,
this, uh, Alice Chilton gal?
She quit?
Like the mighty oak tree's
foliage on a breezy October day.
Fucking hell, a simple
yes would suffice.
- Yeah.
- Most people think she's rude as shit.
I think she's hilarious.
- [CHUCKLING]
- But she's good. That's too bad.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
So, you want Beard back then?
No, hey, come on. That's between y'all.
[ROY] Hmm.
It's really good to see you, Coach.
You too, Coach.
Jesus fucking Christ.
You're being very strange.
[FOOTBALL PLAYERS CHATTERING, LAUGHING]
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
[CHILTON CLEARS THROAT]
Hey. I'm Ted Lasso.
You must be Coach Chilton.
I heard a lot about you.
Let me guess. You heard I was rude,
difficult to work with, a real bitch.
Yeah. It's nice to meet you. [CHUCKLES]
And, hey, I want to thank you for all
your work on this bad boy right here.
Tell you what, I ain't
studied something so hard
since the liner notes of Licensed to Ill
by the Beastie Boys. [CHUCKLES]
I don't know what any of that means.
Oh. Well, then, allow me to
be the first to encourage you
to fight for your right to party.
But until then, I look
forward to working with you.
[INHALES] Uh, actually I just resigned.
- My last day is Friday.
- Oh, right. Right, right, right.
Well, I look forward to
working with you till Friday.
I'm gonna go say hi to the team.
Uh Oi. Oi, oi, oi.
No, no, no, no. Oi. No, no.
Oi. You can't just go in there.
I've got to make sure they're decent.
Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. [CHUCKLES]
[FOOTBALL PLAYERS CHATTERING]
[DOOR CLOSES]
-
- All right.
[TED] Whoa.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Boy, y'all don't have a lot of wiggle
room in here, do you? [CHUCKLES]
The only space available to
us was the academy locker room.
We're just happy to be here, Coach.
Oh. [KISSING]
- Yeah, fuck off. Yeah? Fuck off.
- [PLAYERS LAUGH]
Wait, wait, so hold on. Do
y'all have to share this room?
Only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
And every other Saturday.
Uh, but on Tuesdays and Thursdays we
get to keep our toiletries overnight.
Oh, okay. So there are showers?
- Uh, there's one shower.
- And one toilet.
And a urinal, which I-I actually
prefer to use now 'cause, you know,
taking a piss in a slight
squat, it's good for the core.
[PLAYERS LAUGH]
[CHUCKLING] Gotcha.
- Okay, um, well, I, uh
- Knock, knock. Hi, guys.
[ALL] Hey.
- Um, Ted, the press are ready for you.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, okay. Uh, hey,
real nice meeting y'all.
And I'll see you out on the pitch, okay?
[PLAYERS] See you.
Oh, uh, I'm Ted, by the way.
[PLAYERS CHUCKLING]
Okay.
Hey, real quick. Uh
The locker room, it's a little, um
- What's the word I'm looking for?
- It's shit.
Well, I do have some ideas of
- how to make it better.
- [TED] Great.
It doesn't matter what color
you paint it, it's still shit.
Yeah, as my dad said,
"You can polish a turd,
but all you're left with is a smaller
turd and a rag that smells like dookie."
Welcome to second
division women's football.
Mm-hmm. Uh, hey, speaking
of which, you know,
Coach here knows a lot more
about this team than I do.
Maybe she could come do the
press conference with me.
No. No, my last day is Friday.
Oh, I don't think it'll last that long.
[LAUGHS, CLEARS THROAT]
- She's a hoot. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Great.
- Hi, guys!
- Ooh.
So, I just wanted to
say something quickly.
I'm just gonna say something
if that's all right.
- Of course.
- Just a few words, okay?
Good morning, everyone.
Welcome, welcome.
So just quickly, uh,
I just wanted to say how
honored I am to have founded
the first ever women's
team here at AFC Richmond.
- [WHOOPS]
- [REBECCA] Aha.
Yes, because it is long overdue,
as I believe women are just as
capable and compelling as men,
not just in sport, but in
every way, including coaching.
And I will always show all of my
support to all women in all times,
in all ways, again.
- Yes?
- Does that include Ghislaine Maxwell?
[MUTTERS] Not her, of course.
- What about Eva Braun?
- Well, obviously not.
- Cruella de Vil?
- Oh, come on, she's not even real.
Let's keep it You know?
So, uh, thank you so much.
The future is female! [LAUGHS]
So without further ado, please welcome
the manager of our women's team,
who just happens to be a man, Ted Lasso.
- [REPORTERS CHEER]
- [REBECCA] Yes.
[TED] Yeah. Okay. Okay.
Howdy, folks. Great to be back.
Um, well, I'm not sure if you have
any questions for me, but I'd be
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]
- Oh, okay. Yeah, love the enthusiasm.
Uh, yeah. Hey, Marcus. Why
don't you go and kick us off?
- Coach, welcome back.
- Thank you.
What are your thoughts on the season
opener against Liverpool this weekend?
- Oh, the men's opener?
- Yeah.
Uh, well, I mean, Liverpool
is always tough, you know?
And I gotta assume that Coach
Kent has got the fellas ready to rock.
Uh, yeah, hey, Gary.
Yeah, do you think
the Greyhounds will get
back in the Champions
League this season?
- The men's team?
- [SCOFFS] Yeah.
Well, I mean, any opportunity is
a good opportunity in sports, uh,
but truth be told, I'm not really
all up to speed on
the men's side of things
as the bulk of my preparation
has been all about the lady
Greyhounds here at AFC Richmond.
Um, all right, let's see. Who else?
Oh, hey. New guy.
- Hmm.
- Hey, I love your hat.
Oh, thank you.
What are your thoughts on
Jamie Tartt leaving Richmond
to play at Barcelona this season?
Are you fucking
Yeah, I mean, never easy
to say goodbye to a player,
but I think he's gonna
do bueno. Yeah? [CHUCKLES]
I'd love to answer some questions
about the women's team, if y'all got any.
Oh, yeah, Sarah, what do you got?
Hey, Ted.
- My question is about player salaries.
- Hmm, great.
- Do you think the men are underpaid?
- Oh, boy.
[WISTFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Ted's doing his presser.
You don't wanna go watch your boyfriend?
[SCOFFS]
Okay.
[PLAYERS CLAMORING]
Who says you can't go home again?
I don't like riddles.
Oh, no, it was a
[STAMMERS] Doesn't matter.
Okay, let's see what we got, huh?
I'm here if you need. Here if you need.
Here if you need.
[APPLAUSE]
Ooh, that was a nice turn. Who's she?
That's Josie Gordon.
Hmm, she played striker
at Watford last season.
Led them in goals, progressive passes,
and her expected goal rate
per game was .78. [CHUCKLES]
All from your dossier.
I'm actually impressed.
Oh, come on now.
You wrote the tune. I'm just singing it.
[CHUCKLES]
[GOALKEEPER] That's mine! That's mine!
[PLAYERS GROAN]
[ALL CLAMORING]
Those must be the sisters you mentioned.
Or not.
That's Mady and Margy.
They've been a couple
since training camp.
Oh. Yeah, you don't get a
lot of that in men's football.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Not that you know of.
[TED] Hmm.
[GROANS] You're a real fucking
dickhead. You know that?
Rather be a dickhead than a turnip.
[SCOFFS] I'm not a turnip.
You're a turnip.
Those are the sisters.
Twins, actually. Niamh and Siobhan.
Oh, our left and right
center-back defenders.
You just said I was a
dickhead. Now I'm a turnip.
- Which one is it, you fucking twat?
- Yeah, good one, big man. Clown.
- You Ow!
- [GRUNTING]
- [NIAMH] Pig.
- [SIOBHAN] Fuck off!
Well, I see what you meant when you
said that what they lack in athleticism,
they make up for in aggressiveness.
- [PLAYER] You can take her, Siobhan!
- Exactly.
- Get off!
- Stop touching me, weirdo.
[NIAMH] Fuck you.
[PLAYER] Come on. Leave it, girls.
Run! No time. No time. Run!
[GRUNTS]
[WHISTLES] Heck of a save there.
That's gotta be Katie Quinn, yeah?
Correct, but everyone calls her Boots.
Oh, that wasn't in the dossier.
Why would it be?
[EXCLAIMS]
- Boring!
- [TED] Her stats are off the charts.
Yeah, but none of the
big clubs will touch her.
Hmm, why is that?
She won't wear gloves.
[TED] Interesting. I wonder
what the story is there, huh?
Don't know. She's a goalie, isn't she?
They're all batshit.
[EXCLAIMS]
Come on!
Yes, any book by bell hooks.
Wonderful. Would you be
able to hold 'em for me?
No, I don't want to use Amazon.
What kind of business model is this?
Uh, look, I will be there in 20 minutes.
Thank you so much. Bye-bye.
Christ.
- Hello, Rebecca.
- Oh.
Right. You know, Roy,
now that Ted's back, you
really don't have to do this.
I don't mind.
I'm excited about this new recipe.
Better for your macros.
No sugar. High protein.
And instead of using
butter, I used beef tallow.
Wow. [STUTTERS]
Who knew a biscuit could
be so healthy and so heavy?
- Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES]
Roy, what's your
definition of a feminist?
Oh, I know this joke.
- Uh, two lesbians
- [KEELEY] Rebecca, I need to
Ooh. Hi, Roy.
Keeley.
Rebecca, I need £300,000 to build a new
locker room for the
women's team, please.
Fuck no.
Even though I support women,
and I believe they can be
anything they set their minds to,
a new locker room is not in the budget.
But a budget isn't a real thing.
- It's just a made-up
number. - Exactly.
[MUTTERS] It absolutely is a real thing.
That someone made up.
Fine, then.
- I want the men's locker room.
- Fuck no!
Well, if no one's gonna budge,
then I'm just gonna have to go ahead
and take the visitors' locker room.
- Fine by me.
- I don't fucking care.
- Fantastic!
- Hmm.
Now, if you'll both excuse me, I
need to go and pick up some books
from a shop that hopefully won't be
out of business by the time I get there.
- Well done.
- Why?
The old "bait and switch"
on the locker rooms,
that was always your plan, wasn't it?
- Maybe.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [JEREMY] Hey, Ted.
- [TED] Hey, fellas.
- Can't believe you're back.
- Yeah, but coaching a women's team.
- How are the girls? Slow?
- Boring?
Has their cycle synced yet?
Isn't nature amazing?
All right now, you three,
give the man some space.
[TED] All right now.
What's this?
From Mr. Gladstone.
Who?
Right.
[CHUCKLES]
You, uh, get some new sunglasses?
No, I don't want people
to see us together,
so I'm in disguise.
It's good. Yeah.
Would be nice to see your
eyes though, you know.
[SIGHS]
How was your first day?
For a sport that asks you
to be light on your feet,
women's football sure does seem
to have a lot of weight around it.
Lack of resources.
Underwhelming media coverage.
Subpar pay.
It's a tougher gig all around.
Only people in it are truly
in it for the love of the game.
Kinda like coaching college
kids again then, yeah?
Not really. Those guys get paid more.
Yeah.
So, how's Alice?
Coach Chilton? Uh, yeah,
she's, uh, she's good.
- Good. Good, good, good.
- Hmm.
I-I mean, she can be kinda
[VOCALIZES]
- She is kinda [VOCALIZES]
- Hmm.
But you can be kinda
[BOTH VOCALIZING, CHUCKLING]
You know I can't ask you to leave him.
No.
I know.
I'm with Roy now.
And he's very good to me.
I'm happy to hear that.
And I mean, come on, this doesn't
have to be weird, you know?
[STAMMERS] We can still hang out.
I'd like that.
Y-You wanna talk about what
happened with you and Jane?
- I gotta go.
- [CHAIR SCRAPES]
[GROANS]
[HAMMOND] Good morning
and happy Tuesday.
On today's show, we're turning
our studio into a taco fiesta.
Yummy.
[O'LEARY] And we'll be joined by
eight-year-old prodigy, Poppy Thompson,
who will share with
us what's being called
definitive proof that God doesn't exist.
- Leslie.
- [SNORES]
Good news. I am a feminist.
- Oh, good.
- Listen to this.
"To understand feminism, it implies one
has to necessarily understand sexism."
[GULPS] Yeah. [BREATHES DEEPLY]
Have you not finished that yet?
Oh, uh [STAMMERS]
Do you ever fall asleep
when you're reading, wake up,
and you've lost your place and
you have to start a chapter again?
No.
Hmm.
Uh
[PLAYERS CLAMORING]
[SUSPICIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Stay tight! Stay tight!
- No shots. No shots. Give Boots!
- [GRUNTS]
[TED] Yeah. So what
all we know about Boots?
- It's in the dossier.
- [STAMMERS] No, I know.
The stats are great, but
I mean, what's her story?
- Her story?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, 'cause most athletes I know
are always looking for every
single little advantage.
So, you know, you got a
goalkeeper not using gloves.
That's a lot like a
gravedigger using a spoon
or a cereal enthusiast using a shovel.
Neither one's effective.
So, what? You're after her
origin story, like Batman?
Oh, you like Batman, huh?
- No, he's a fascist.
- Hmm.
I just know that every middle-aged
man is obsessed with Batman.
Yeah, that's true. Probably
'cause of all the wearable tech.
I got to get to the bottom of this.
All right, you just interrupt
training to go do that.
Hey, Boots.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
Hey, so what's going on?
You ain't ever wear gloves?
Well, I didn't as a kid, but then
the academy made me wear them.
Uh-huh. And what? Made things worse?
No, it worked.
It just felt like someone
else was making the saves.
You know, I couldn't
feel the ball anymore.
I get that. Yeah, but d-don't it sting?
Fuck yeah. But the sting
is everything, isn't it?
What's the point in life if
you're not feeling it all?
No, I'm no masochist, Coach,
but when I go to the
dentist, no novocaine.
I don't drink. I don't use oven mitts.
You know, if someone offers
me earplugs at a concert,
I pop them right in my mouth
and eat them like candy.
You could just put them in your pocket.
[CHUCKLES]
Let me ask you,
do you prefer with a condom or without?
[TED] Hmm.
Well, I'ma go back.
Okay.
- [EXHALES HEAVILY]
- So, what's her story?
[CLICKS TONGUE] You were right.
Goalies are nuts.
Oh, yeah.
[ELECTRIC BUZZING]
- Hi.
- It's gonna keep doing that.
Oh, I thought I was
going mad. [CHUCKLES]
That's the point.
All of these benches have one
side shorter than the other.
Why would you do that?
I booby-trapped it.
Loads of teams do it to fuck
with visiting teams' heads.
Higher hooks make the
players feel shorter,
hotter temperatures make them sleepy.
It's a respectable, long-standing
tradition in football.
[KEELEY] Hmm.
But that shit's child's play.
I wanna make the visitors feel
like they're fucking hallucinating.
[ELECTRIC BUZZING CONTINUES]
- [RAT CHITTERS]
- [SCREAMS]
It's a rat! Rat! Oh [INHALES SHARPLY]
That's Jonathan.
He's trained to run back and
forth when the lights are on.
Did you train a rat?
I didn't.
He was the understudy rat
in that fucking endless Harry Potter
play I had to sit through with Phoebe.
[SIGHS]
[INHALES SHARPLY] This is in the way.
It's a problem for me
because I would really
like Ted to be able
to address all the
players on a match day,
and this is very much in the way.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's why I put it there.
[PIN SQUEAKING]
Catch.
You know, you didn't have to do this.
You could have sent the
kit man or something.
No.
No one can know my secrets.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
That was pathetic. Run it again.
- And please try to look alive, Siobhan.
- Whoa.
Nice fucking try, you soggy biscuit.
How did you know she was there?
Which one of the twins do
you think was born first?
Who cares?
Well, in my experience, twins do.
I went to middle school with these
two fellas, Hank and Howie Rassmussen.
Identical as all hell except
for their temperaments.
See, Howie had this big
old chip on his shoulder
'cause Hank was born like
20 minutes before him.
So growing up, anything that Hank
did, Howie had to do it better.
Whatever this is, I don't like it.
I'm talking school, ping-pong,
skipping stones, whatever it was,
Howie was always a step ahead.
Kept on through their entire lives, all
the way through Hank becoming a doctor
to Howie going to prison for burning
down his twin
brother's abortion clinic.
- What is your point?
- I think Siobhan's older.
Well, their stories are irrelevant
to their play on the pitch.
Yeah, maybe.
I just like figuring out
what makes folks tick.
Hey, what about you?
You got any siblings?
Oh, my God, enough. Listen, I
am only here for three more days.
- I do not need to do
- [JOSIE SCREAMS]
[CHILTON] Oh. Oh.
[JOSIE] Fucking hell! [SCREAMS]
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
- Fucking hell!
- Right. Lie back.
- Okay, Josie? Hey. Josie.
- My knee! It's not all right.
- It's all right. You'll be all right.
- It's fucked!
I got you. Josie, I got you. Hold tight.
My knee is fucked!
- It's gonna be fine.
- It's over. It's over.
Just breathe. Can we
get the basket over here?
You'll be all right. Look at me.
- You are gonna play. I promise you.
- No, I can't.
- It's fucking gone.
- Try not to move. All right?
Basket's nearly here, all right?
We're gonna get you into it.
I'm gonna go with her to the hospital,
- if that's okay?
- Yeah, no, of course, yeah.
- [BREATHES SHAKILY]
- It's all right, mate.
- You're gonna be fine. I'm here.
- Okay.
[CHILTON] We're in this together, yeah?
I'm here with you.
Okay, I took the gum
out of the showerheads
and I fixed the fuses so the
lights won't flicker anymore.
Just gotta get rid of this.
- That's it then?
- No, not quite.
[GASPS]
[GRUNTS]
Thank you, Roy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey.
- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.
I'm afraid that I'm losing someone.
I thought we had something,
but their heart is with another.
- Beard?
- Yep.
What would you do?
I think keeping two people
apart who belong together is bad.
Not just for them, but for everybody.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
You know this is the first time we've
been alone together in three years.
We are not alone.
[SQUEAKING]
Thanks again, Roy.
[MUSIC ENDS]
I read an amazing Eleanor Roosevelt
quote this morning, Higgins.
"No one can make you feel
inferior without your consent."
Oh, that's beautiful, Rebecca.
Well, I didn't come up
with it. I just read it.
[GASPS]
You all right?
Yeah. Yeah.
What was that quote, Rebecca?
Oh, shut up, Leslie.
Make sure that woman
finds her replacement.
And finish that report.
[SIGHS, MUMBLES]
Why are you still here?
Well, I just wanted an
update on how Josie's doing.
- She tore her ACL.
- [SIGHS]
- Poor kid.
- I've seen my fair share.
It's devastating, every time.
- [TED] Hmm.
- She'll be out for the season.
[TED CLICKS TONGUE]
[SIGHS]
Well, hey, I appreciate you
looking after her like that.
All right, now.
She was our starting striker, you know.
Oh.
You said "our." [CHUCKLES]
I-I'm just messing with you.
[CHUCKLES]
Your last day is Friday, I know.
See you in the morning, Coach.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
-
[HAMMOND] Good morning,
and happy Friday.
We made it through another week.
[O'LEARY] On today's show, do you ever
wish your weekend could last forever?
Well, one man tried that
using AI, and now he's dead.
[SIGHS] There's nothing I can eat here.
Mother, what are you talking about?
We've eaten here a million times.
Yes, but I'm thinking
of becoming a vegan.
Or Jewish.
And all I know is that I
want to eat less cheese.
Mother, am I a feminist?
I hope not.
I raised you better than that.
Why?
Some woman at work accused me
of not being supportive of women.
Oh, that just reeks of jealousy.
It's very unattractive.
[SERVER] Hello.
I'd like something that tastes
of cheese, but isn't cheese.
Mother, why don't you
just eat less cheese?
I don't want to do some fad diet.
I want to do this for a higher purpose.
We're gonna need another minute.
You know what, w-why don't
you just fire this jealous hag?
No, I'm not gonna do that.
Besides, she already quit.
Today's her last day.
Well, if I have any advice to give
you, it's that women are monsters.
Men showed us the way,
and we perfected the model.
You know that's not far
off a bell hooks quote.
Careful, Mother, you
might be a feminist.
Oh, don't say that.
You'll ruin my appetite.
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
I think we should call it.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
All right, ladies, great first week.
I'll see you all on Monday.
Actually, hold on.
Let's go this way.
Come on.
Right this way.
Lady Greyhounds, your new digs.
- [PLAYERS GASP]
- Yes!
- These lockers are fucking class!
- [PLAYERS CLAMOR]
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
Oh, yours already smells like arse.
Well, luckily you won't be able to
smell it after I take a shit in yours.
Oh, my God. Unlimited tampons.
- Banging.
- [MARGY] Fuck, yeah! Free tampons.
[CHATTERING, LAUGHING CONTINUES]
Am I allowed to drill holes in that?
Oh, yeah, do whatever you want.
Uh, hey, no more having to move your
stuff in and out either. All right?
And this is all courtesy
of one Miss Keeley Jones.
So next time you see her in the hallway,
make sure you give
her a high five, yeah.
[ALL CHEERING]
Wanna see the new coach's office?
Oi.
There's eight fucking showers in here.
- [PLAYERS CLAMORING]
- [NIAMH CHUCKLES]
Hey.
You're being released.
Why?
You've violated the AFC Richmond bylaws.
What section?
Comportment and manners, section
6, subsection B, which reads
"In the confines of
match regulated gameplay,
all coaching staff must respect the
judgment of referees and officials
and refrain from derogatory
comments and insinuations"?
You once said under your breath to an
official at Villa Park, "Wrong call."
After you called him a stupid
bloody fucking wanking knob.
So you remember.
Whose head you were going
to rip off his body
What you did was a serious offense
and then use his skull as a toilet.
against the Richmond men's team.
[GASPS]
Other Richmond teams may
have different policies.
You're right.
I was out of line.
Mm-hmm.
Hi, ladies, thanks for coming.
I'll be right with you.
- [CHILTON SNIFFLES, CLEARS THROAT]
- Hmm.
Uh, here are the candidates' résumés.
Oh, great. Thank you for doing that.
And actually, you know what, I
got a little something for you.
It's a going-away gift.
Hopefully you can use
it wherever you land.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, no problem.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
- [TED SIGHS]
- What's wrong?
Nothing. No, I just had to
send all them ladies home.
I already found my assistant coach.
Who?
Well, she's from Lewisham,
you know, working-class family.
Was a skinny little
whiz kid of a midfielder
over there at the Arsenal Academy.
Known for her work ethic and being a
real B-I-T-C-H to the older players.
We're talking captain material,
you know, a superstar in the making.
Until at 22, she tears
the ACL in her left knee.
Spent the whole year doing rehab.
First game back, tears the other one.
Two years after that,
tears the left one again.
Bringing her playing career
to an end right then and there.
But ain't no way that's
the end of her story.
'Cause anybody strong
enough to go through all that
and, well, hell, smart enough
to put together all this
and not only loves the sport of football
but also, as I've seen with my own eyes,
can care deeply for the
women that play it
Shoot.
Now there's a coach.
And I got a hunch that
story's just getting started.
Uh, hey, look.
I know your heart was
set on the top job.
And I sincerely hope you get
everything you want and deserve.
But until then,
will you please stick
around and help me out?
- Coach, I
- Now hold on.
Before you answer, I just want
to give you some time alone.
Let you think about it.
All right?
So, I'm gonna go stand
over here in the corner.
And, uh, I'll give you
five whole seconds, yeah?
You just go ahead and take your time.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Okay, those last few were a little quick.
I know, I got excited.
[CHUCKLES]
So what you think?
Yeah.
Yes. I'll stay.
It better not be shit.
Well, if it is, welcome to second
division women's football, right?
[CHUCKLES]
Now, can I get your gift back please?
- You want it back?
- Yeah, man.
That was a going away gift.
You ain't going nowhere.
Come on now. Cough it up. Let's go.
Okay.
- Thank you.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
I'm back, baby!
[CHEERING, LAUGHING]
[SIGHS]
[KNOCKING]
- [EXHALES]
- [HIGGINS CHUCKLES]
I finally finished it.
- [SIGHS]
- And?
And my eyeballs are still sweating.
No, I meant, and what does it say?
[CLEARS THROAT] Right.
Well [SIGHS]
It indicates a low chance
of long-term viability
for our women's team.
Adding that if the
investment is unsuccessful,
it could potentially deal a significant
blow to our men's program as well.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
What would you do if you were me?
[CHUCKLES]
Well, you know, my mum used to say
that strong women
stand up for themselves
and stronger women stand up for others.
[REBECCA SIGHS]
Thank you, Leslie.
Now, if you don't mind
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'm gonna set this on fire,
dump its ashes into the Thames,
and let us never speak of
its existence ever again.
[INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Hello.
- Oh, Coach Lasso just left.
Uh, no, it's you I wanted to see.
Here's the letter of
recommendation you asked for.
Oh, you really didn't have to do this
There was actually something else
I needed to talk to you about.
When you questioned why I hadn't
considered a female head coach,
I have to admit I was shocked.
Defensive, in fact.
I thought, "Who the fuck does this
young woman think she's talking to?"
- Miss Welton
- No, no, I'm not done.
I also thought, "Does she have
a clue what I've gone through
to even create a space where she
thinks she can critique me like that?"
- Miss Welton
- Then I thought, "Have I lost touch?
Have I forgotten how to
keep pushing forward?"
Perhaps being pro-women
is something broader than
it was when I was your age.
And so I thank you for calling me out.
I'm just sorry you won't
be here to see the results.
- Miss Welton
- Let me finish, Alice.
So, while I do appreciate
the self-discovery
that your inquiry has led me towards,
might I strongly suggest that the
next time you have something so helpful
to say to someone,
perhaps you could show a teeny-tiny bit
more empathy and a little less judgment.
Am I clear?
Good.
Now what was it you wanted to tell me?
Ted offered me the job of
assistant coach, and I've accepted.
Wow, yeah.
Yes! That's great.
- Hmm.
- That's excellent.
[WHOOPS]
Now we're cookin'.
[GASPS] Go, Greyhound
Lady Greyhounds. Go, Lady Greyhounds.
[WHOOPS, CHUCKLES]
[CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS]
I bet it was far more enticing
getting that job offer from a man.
That was a joke.
Oh, I know.
It was very funny.
["SISTERS ARE DOIN' I
FOR THEMSELVES" PLAYING]
Right.
["HONKY CAT" PLAYING]
[GROANS]
[SIGHS]
Oh, good morning.
Today on the show, we'll meet the
winners of our UK's
Ugliest Home contest.
Oh, yeah, also making a new
recipe with popular online chef, Momo,
who also happens
to be a chimpanzee.
[HAMMOND] Now, I wonder if he's gonna
make something with bananas in it.
- [O'LEARY] Banana bread maybe.
- [HAMMOND] Or maybe banana pancake.
Oh, man.
- Morning, Mae.
- Morning, Ted.
Hey, thanks again for the
accommodations upstairs.
They're perfect and convenient.
Stay as long as you like 'cause
the only other renters I get
either have little yapping dogs
or cocaine habits. [CHUCKLES]
Both are a pain in the
arse at 4:00 in the morning.
And after they check out,
there's shit everywhere.
Yeah. What do we got here?
Something to set you up for the day.
Oh, that's mighty kind of you, but
I'm not really a morning beer person.
It's Guinness. That's a full meal.
Hmm. Still.
- But I'll see you later, all right?
- [CHUCKLES]
Bit early for my second
of the day, but fuck it.
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[JACKHAMMERING]
I guess nothing stays the same.
[WORKER 1] Okay.
A little bit to the right.
- Welcome back, Coach.
- Thank you, sir.
Too bad you're coaching a
bunch of girls, you wanker.
I guess some things do stay the same.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Come in.
[HIGGINS GROANING]
- [CHUCKLES]
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Morning, Leslie.
- Hello, Rebecca.
[REBECCA] Hmm.
- Hmm. Ooh. [GASPS]
- [GRUNTS, PANTS] For you.
Tell me you didn't write
a novel in your downtime.
[CHUCKLES] What downtime, Rebecca?
No, with the Twickenham FC
women's team going under,
I felt compelled to commission
a more extensive analysis
of our women's team viability.
"Knox and Sullivan's strategic assessment
of the short and long-term viability
of professional women's
football in London,
TW2 7BU prepared for Leslie R "
Hmm. " Higgins on
behalf of AFC Richmond."
Crikey, that's a bit
of a mouthful, isn't it?
Oh, I agree. So for short,
I think we should call it the
KSSASLVPWFLTPLRHBAR report.
I think we just call it The
Higgins Report, shall we?
Oh, I'm flattered.
Hmm. So, uh, what's the gist of it then?
I haven't read it yet.
I spent the entire evening
memorizing the acronym,
but I will read it all and give
you a summary the moment I'm done.
Perfect. Thank you.
Oh, and who's that for?
- Keeley.
- Oh.
Let's just see what
it's all about first,
shall we, before
bothering Keeley with it?
Oh, of course.
[GROANS]
Oh, and Coach Chilton is outside.
She requested to have a word with you.
Oh, good Lord, that
little ray of sunshine.
- Right. Let her in.
- Ah.
Ooh.
[HIGGINS] Oh!
- [REBECCA SIGHS]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
Good morning, Coach Chilton.
Based on what?
May I sit?
[STAMMERS] Hmm.
Sorry, may I may I sit over there?
- [STAMMERS]
- Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Miss Welton, I know we haven't had much
interaction over the last few months,
but I wanted to thank you
for giving me the opportunity
to be part of Richmond's
first women's team.
Oh, you've been absolutely
fantastic. Hasn't she, Leslie?
Oh, yes. And all under
budget, may I add.
Unlike the men's team.
Coach Kent's alternative milk
budget alone is frankly unreasonable.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [HIGGINS CHUCKLES]
[CLICKS TONGUE]
So what can I help you with?
I'm resigning.
Oh.
When I came here to help build
this team from the ground up,
I was hoping it would
lead to something bigger.
And even though I initially agreed
to stay on as assistant manager
after being passed over,
I've now come to realize that I have
higher aspirations for myself than that.
So I will take this week to help
with the new manager's transition.
I will prepare a list of
candidates for the new assistant,
and my last day will be Friday.
All I ask for is a
letter of recommendation.
Of course.
And obviously if there's
anything I can help you with,
then please don't hesitate to ask.
[EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Actually, yeah, I do have a question.
Did you ever consider me for head coach?
- No.
- Hmm.
- Did you consider any woman?
- No.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- [GURGLES]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
[STAMMERS] She said what?
That I'm some woman-hating monster.
That I'm not a feminist.
- [GASPS]
- She didn't say any of that.
Oh, don't be daft, Leslie.
It was implied.
Implication is everything!
Thank you!
And clearly you are a feminist
because you just started
a badass women's team
- Right.
- and you'll do whatever it takes
and spend whatever it takes
to make sure it's successful, right?
- Exactly.
- Plus, you didn't just hire any man.
You rehired Ted fucking Lasso.
My middle name is actually
pronounced frickin'.
- [GASPS] Ted!
- Ted.
- Hey. [CHUCKLES] Hello, sir.
- [CHUCKLES]
[SNIFFS]
- Hmm?
- Is that what I think it is?
Yes, ma'am.
- Gates barbecue.
- [CHUCKLES]
And a one-time special installment
of Brisket with the Boss.
Oh, Ted, you don't seriously
think I can eat smoked meat at
- nine o'clock in the morning, do you?
- Actually I do.
- Oh, it's got a little fork. [GASPS]
- [KEELEY GASPS]
Are Henry and Michelle all settled?
They get here next week, actually. Yeah.
Thanks for all your help
setting that up, boss.
Anytime.
Oh, Ted, I can't believe
you're here! I'm so excited.
Hey, you know
what I'm excited about?
Getting to meet the lady
that put this sucker together.
- Look at that. [CHUCKLES]
- What is that?
It's a full dossier on all
the players from the women's team.
The attention to detail in
this thing would make da Vinci blush.
Yeah, I can't wait to work
with this Coach Chilton.
Ted, we have some bad news.
No, we have good news.
- Coach Chilton resigned this morning.
- Oh.
It's fine. You could always
get Coach Beard to fill her spot.
He's under contract
with the men's team.
And I think it'd be good to
have a woman on staff, you know?
Yeah, that's what
I was thinking earlier.
I just want to say it might be for
the best that Coach Chilton is leaving.
- Why?
- Why?
- Well, um, she
- [INHALES]
- She's somewhat
- She's Uh
Can be a bit, uh
- [STAMMERING]
- Who does she remind me of?
- It's a bit like, um
- [STAMMERING]
- [KEELEY] I don't know. [STAMMERS]
- Oh, just say it.
She's an absolute
Seaward.
Caroline Seaward.
Head physio for the women's team.
But I'm not just
here for the players.
I'm here for you as well.
- Oh, okay.
- Whatever problems you might be having
- as a middle-aged man, I got you.
- Great.
[WHISPERS] Including bum stuff.
Complete confidentiality.
[INHALES SHARPLY]
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
All right, thank you. [CHUCKLES]
Nice to meet you, Caroline.
- [MUTTERS]
- Yeah. Oh, yeah, you can't talk.
No, I got the key. [CHUCKLES]
[ROY] All right,
I'm bored, last question.
[JOURNALISTS]
Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy.
[ROY] Oi, for fuck's sake, shut up.
You. Paddington fucking Bear.
[REPORTER]
Oh, I didn't think you'd call on me.
Thank you. Excuse me. My question is
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[ROY] What the fuck are you doing?
[CHUCKLES]
Welcome back.
[TED] Thank you.
How's that knee holding up?
Oh, fine.
Why the fuck would something
we use so fucking much
be held together by ligaments
the size of rubber bands?
Hmm. I always figured God
started up top, you know,
working really hard on the
brains and heart and stuff,
but once he got past our privates,
he just started phoning it in.
Hmm. It's good to see you.
You too.
Come on.
[GROANS]
Oh, looks like y'all did
a little redecorating, huh?
Oh, this is recent.
Beard wanted to be alone.
Between you coming back and
the whole thing with Jane,
I think he's all fucked in the head.
- Yeah.
- [GROANS]
[GROANS]
What about you? How are you doing?
- Great.
- You and Keeley?
Uh, she said y'all have become
really, really good friends.
[STAMMERS] Her words, not mine.
- She said really twice?
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, let me ask you something.
What's the buzz with, uh, my
now former assistant coach,
this, uh, Alice Chilton gal?
She quit?
Like the mighty oak tree's
foliage on a breezy October day.
Fucking hell, a simple
yes would suffice.
- Yeah.
- Most people think she's rude as shit.
I think she's hilarious.
- [CHUCKLING]
- But she's good. That's too bad.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
So, you want Beard back then?
No, hey, come on. That's between y'all.
[ROY] Hmm.
It's really good to see you, Coach.
You too, Coach.
Jesus fucking Christ.
You're being very strange.
[FOOTBALL PLAYERS CHATTERING, LAUGHING]
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
[CHILTON CLEARS THROAT]
Hey. I'm Ted Lasso.
You must be Coach Chilton.
I heard a lot about you.
Let me guess. You heard I was rude,
difficult to work with, a real bitch.
Yeah. It's nice to meet you. [CHUCKLES]
And, hey, I want to thank you for all
your work on this bad boy right here.
Tell you what, I ain't
studied something so hard
since the liner notes of Licensed to Ill
by the Beastie Boys. [CHUCKLES]
I don't know what any of that means.
Oh. Well, then, allow me to
be the first to encourage you
to fight for your right to party.
But until then, I look
forward to working with you.
[INHALES] Uh, actually I just resigned.
- My last day is Friday.
- Oh, right. Right, right, right.
Well, I look forward to
working with you till Friday.
I'm gonna go say hi to the team.
Uh Oi. Oi, oi, oi.
No, no, no, no. Oi. No, no.
Oi. You can't just go in there.
I've got to make sure they're decent.
Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. [CHUCKLES]
[FOOTBALL PLAYERS CHATTERING]
[DOOR CLOSES]
-
- All right.
[TED] Whoa.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Boy, y'all don't have a lot of wiggle
room in here, do you? [CHUCKLES]
The only space available to
us was the academy locker room.
We're just happy to be here, Coach.
Oh. [KISSING]
- Yeah, fuck off. Yeah? Fuck off.
- [PLAYERS LAUGH]
Wait, wait, so hold on. Do
y'all have to share this room?
Only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
And every other Saturday.
Uh, but on Tuesdays and Thursdays we
get to keep our toiletries overnight.
Oh, okay. So there are showers?
- Uh, there's one shower.
- And one toilet.
And a urinal, which I-I actually
prefer to use now 'cause, you know,
taking a piss in a slight
squat, it's good for the core.
[PLAYERS LAUGH]
[CHUCKLING] Gotcha.
- Okay, um, well, I, uh
- Knock, knock. Hi, guys.
[ALL] Hey.
- Um, Ted, the press are ready for you.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, okay. Uh, hey,
real nice meeting y'all.
And I'll see you out on the pitch, okay?
[PLAYERS] See you.
Oh, uh, I'm Ted, by the way.
[PLAYERS CHUCKLING]
Okay.
Hey, real quick. Uh
The locker room, it's a little, um
- What's the word I'm looking for?
- It's shit.
Well, I do have some ideas of
- how to make it better.
- [TED] Great.
It doesn't matter what color
you paint it, it's still shit.
Yeah, as my dad said,
"You can polish a turd,
but all you're left with is a smaller
turd and a rag that smells like dookie."
Welcome to second
division women's football.
Mm-hmm. Uh, hey, speaking
of which, you know,
Coach here knows a lot more
about this team than I do.
Maybe she could come do the
press conference with me.
No. No, my last day is Friday.
Oh, I don't think it'll last that long.
[LAUGHS, CLEARS THROAT]
- She's a hoot. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Great.
- Hi, guys!
- Ooh.
So, I just wanted to
say something quickly.
I'm just gonna say something
if that's all right.
- Of course.
- Just a few words, okay?
Good morning, everyone.
Welcome, welcome.
So just quickly, uh,
I just wanted to say how
honored I am to have founded
the first ever women's
team here at AFC Richmond.
- [WHOOPS]
- [REBECCA] Aha.
Yes, because it is long overdue,
as I believe women are just as
capable and compelling as men,
not just in sport, but in
every way, including coaching.
And I will always show all of my
support to all women in all times,
in all ways, again.
- Yes?
- Does that include Ghislaine Maxwell?
[MUTTERS] Not her, of course.
- What about Eva Braun?
- Well, obviously not.
- Cruella de Vil?
- Oh, come on, she's not even real.
Let's keep it You know?
So, uh, thank you so much.
The future is female! [LAUGHS]
So without further ado, please welcome
the manager of our women's team,
who just happens to be a man, Ted Lasso.
- [REPORTERS CHEER]
- [REBECCA] Yes.
[TED] Yeah. Okay. Okay.
Howdy, folks. Great to be back.
Um, well, I'm not sure if you have
any questions for me, but I'd be
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]
- Oh, okay. Yeah, love the enthusiasm.
Uh, yeah. Hey, Marcus. Why
don't you go and kick us off?
- Coach, welcome back.
- Thank you.
What are your thoughts on the season
opener against Liverpool this weekend?
- Oh, the men's opener?
- Yeah.
Uh, well, I mean, Liverpool
is always tough, you know?
And I gotta assume that Coach
Kent has got the fellas ready to rock.
Uh, yeah, hey, Gary.
Yeah, do you think
the Greyhounds will get
back in the Champions
League this season?
- The men's team?
- [SCOFFS] Yeah.
Well, I mean, any opportunity is
a good opportunity in sports, uh,
but truth be told, I'm not really
all up to speed on
the men's side of things
as the bulk of my preparation
has been all about the lady
Greyhounds here at AFC Richmond.
Um, all right, let's see. Who else?
Oh, hey. New guy.
- Hmm.
- Hey, I love your hat.
Oh, thank you.
What are your thoughts on
Jamie Tartt leaving Richmond
to play at Barcelona this season?
Are you fucking
Yeah, I mean, never easy
to say goodbye to a player,
but I think he's gonna
do bueno. Yeah? [CHUCKLES]
I'd love to answer some questions
about the women's team, if y'all got any.
Oh, yeah, Sarah, what do you got?
Hey, Ted.
- My question is about player salaries.
- Hmm, great.
- Do you think the men are underpaid?
- Oh, boy.
[WISTFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Ted's doing his presser.
You don't wanna go watch your boyfriend?
[SCOFFS]
Okay.
[PLAYERS CLAMORING]
Who says you can't go home again?
I don't like riddles.
Oh, no, it was a
[STAMMERS] Doesn't matter.
Okay, let's see what we got, huh?
I'm here if you need. Here if you need.
Here if you need.
[APPLAUSE]
Ooh, that was a nice turn. Who's she?
That's Josie Gordon.
Hmm, she played striker
at Watford last season.
Led them in goals, progressive passes,
and her expected goal rate
per game was .78. [CHUCKLES]
All from your dossier.
I'm actually impressed.
Oh, come on now.
You wrote the tune. I'm just singing it.
[CHUCKLES]
[GOALKEEPER] That's mine! That's mine!
[PLAYERS GROAN]
[ALL CLAMORING]
Those must be the sisters you mentioned.
Or not.
That's Mady and Margy.
They've been a couple
since training camp.
Oh. Yeah, you don't get a
lot of that in men's football.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Not that you know of.
[TED] Hmm.
[GROANS] You're a real fucking
dickhead. You know that?
Rather be a dickhead than a turnip.
[SCOFFS] I'm not a turnip.
You're a turnip.
Those are the sisters.
Twins, actually. Niamh and Siobhan.
Oh, our left and right
center-back defenders.
You just said I was a
dickhead. Now I'm a turnip.
- Which one is it, you fucking twat?
- Yeah, good one, big man. Clown.
- You Ow!
- [GRUNTING]
- [NIAMH] Pig.
- [SIOBHAN] Fuck off!
Well, I see what you meant when you
said that what they lack in athleticism,
they make up for in aggressiveness.
- [PLAYER] You can take her, Siobhan!
- Exactly.
- Get off!
- Stop touching me, weirdo.
[NIAMH] Fuck you.
[PLAYER] Come on. Leave it, girls.
Run! No time. No time. Run!
[GRUNTS]
[WHISTLES] Heck of a save there.
That's gotta be Katie Quinn, yeah?
Correct, but everyone calls her Boots.
Oh, that wasn't in the dossier.
Why would it be?
[EXCLAIMS]
- Boring!
- [TED] Her stats are off the charts.
Yeah, but none of the
big clubs will touch her.
Hmm, why is that?
She won't wear gloves.
[TED] Interesting. I wonder
what the story is there, huh?
Don't know. She's a goalie, isn't she?
They're all batshit.
[EXCLAIMS]
Come on!
Yes, any book by bell hooks.
Wonderful. Would you be
able to hold 'em for me?
No, I don't want to use Amazon.
What kind of business model is this?
Uh, look, I will be there in 20 minutes.
Thank you so much. Bye-bye.
Christ.
- Hello, Rebecca.
- Oh.
Right. You know, Roy,
now that Ted's back, you
really don't have to do this.
I don't mind.
I'm excited about this new recipe.
Better for your macros.
No sugar. High protein.
And instead of using
butter, I used beef tallow.
Wow. [STUTTERS]
Who knew a biscuit could
be so healthy and so heavy?
- Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES]
Roy, what's your
definition of a feminist?
Oh, I know this joke.
- Uh, two lesbians
- [KEELEY] Rebecca, I need to
Ooh. Hi, Roy.
Keeley.
Rebecca, I need £300,000 to build a new
locker room for the
women's team, please.
Fuck no.
Even though I support women,
and I believe they can be
anything they set their minds to,
a new locker room is not in the budget.
But a budget isn't a real thing.
- It's just a made-up
number. - Exactly.
[MUTTERS] It absolutely is a real thing.
That someone made up.
Fine, then.
- I want the men's locker room.
- Fuck no!
Well, if no one's gonna budge,
then I'm just gonna have to go ahead
and take the visitors' locker room.
- Fine by me.
- I don't fucking care.
- Fantastic!
- Hmm.
Now, if you'll both excuse me, I
need to go and pick up some books
from a shop that hopefully won't be
out of business by the time I get there.
- Well done.
- Why?
The old "bait and switch"
on the locker rooms,
that was always your plan, wasn't it?
- Maybe.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [JEREMY] Hey, Ted.
- [TED] Hey, fellas.
- Can't believe you're back.
- Yeah, but coaching a women's team.
- How are the girls? Slow?
- Boring?
Has their cycle synced yet?
Isn't nature amazing?
All right now, you three,
give the man some space.
[TED] All right now.
What's this?
From Mr. Gladstone.
Who?
Right.
[CHUCKLES]
You, uh, get some new sunglasses?
No, I don't want people
to see us together,
so I'm in disguise.
It's good. Yeah.
Would be nice to see your
eyes though, you know.
[SIGHS]
How was your first day?
For a sport that asks you
to be light on your feet,
women's football sure does seem
to have a lot of weight around it.
Lack of resources.
Underwhelming media coverage.
Subpar pay.
It's a tougher gig all around.
Only people in it are truly
in it for the love of the game.
Kinda like coaching college
kids again then, yeah?
Not really. Those guys get paid more.
Yeah.
So, how's Alice?
Coach Chilton? Uh, yeah,
she's, uh, she's good.
- Good. Good, good, good.
- Hmm.
I-I mean, she can be kinda
[VOCALIZES]
- She is kinda [VOCALIZES]
- Hmm.
But you can be kinda
[BOTH VOCALIZING, CHUCKLING]
You know I can't ask you to leave him.
No.
I know.
I'm with Roy now.
And he's very good to me.
I'm happy to hear that.
And I mean, come on, this doesn't
have to be weird, you know?
[STAMMERS] We can still hang out.
I'd like that.
Y-You wanna talk about what
happened with you and Jane?
- I gotta go.
- [CHAIR SCRAPES]
[GROANS]
[HAMMOND] Good morning
and happy Tuesday.
On today's show, we're turning
our studio into a taco fiesta.
Yummy.
[O'LEARY] And we'll be joined by
eight-year-old prodigy, Poppy Thompson,
who will share with
us what's being called
definitive proof that God doesn't exist.
- Leslie.
- [SNORES]
Good news. I am a feminist.
- Oh, good.
- Listen to this.
"To understand feminism, it implies one
has to necessarily understand sexism."
[GULPS] Yeah. [BREATHES DEEPLY]
Have you not finished that yet?
Oh, uh [STAMMERS]
Do you ever fall asleep
when you're reading, wake up,
and you've lost your place and
you have to start a chapter again?
No.
Hmm.
Uh
[PLAYERS CLAMORING]
[SUSPICIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Stay tight! Stay tight!
- No shots. No shots. Give Boots!
- [GRUNTS]
[TED] Yeah. So what
all we know about Boots?
- It's in the dossier.
- [STAMMERS] No, I know.
The stats are great, but
I mean, what's her story?
- Her story?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, 'cause most athletes I know
are always looking for every
single little advantage.
So, you know, you got a
goalkeeper not using gloves.
That's a lot like a
gravedigger using a spoon
or a cereal enthusiast using a shovel.
Neither one's effective.
So, what? You're after her
origin story, like Batman?
Oh, you like Batman, huh?
- No, he's a fascist.
- Hmm.
I just know that every middle-aged
man is obsessed with Batman.
Yeah, that's true. Probably
'cause of all the wearable tech.
I got to get to the bottom of this.
All right, you just interrupt
training to go do that.
Hey, Boots.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
Hey, so what's going on?
You ain't ever wear gloves?
Well, I didn't as a kid, but then
the academy made me wear them.
Uh-huh. And what? Made things worse?
No, it worked.
It just felt like someone
else was making the saves.
You know, I couldn't
feel the ball anymore.
I get that. Yeah, but d-don't it sting?
Fuck yeah. But the sting
is everything, isn't it?
What's the point in life if
you're not feeling it all?
No, I'm no masochist, Coach,
but when I go to the
dentist, no novocaine.
I don't drink. I don't use oven mitts.
You know, if someone offers
me earplugs at a concert,
I pop them right in my mouth
and eat them like candy.
You could just put them in your pocket.
[CHUCKLES]
Let me ask you,
do you prefer with a condom or without?
[TED] Hmm.
Well, I'ma go back.
Okay.
- [EXHALES HEAVILY]
- So, what's her story?
[CLICKS TONGUE] You were right.
Goalies are nuts.
Oh, yeah.
[ELECTRIC BUZZING]
- Hi.
- It's gonna keep doing that.
Oh, I thought I was
going mad. [CHUCKLES]
That's the point.
All of these benches have one
side shorter than the other.
Why would you do that?
I booby-trapped it.
Loads of teams do it to fuck
with visiting teams' heads.
Higher hooks make the
players feel shorter,
hotter temperatures make them sleepy.
It's a respectable, long-standing
tradition in football.
[KEELEY] Hmm.
But that shit's child's play.
I wanna make the visitors feel
like they're fucking hallucinating.
[ELECTRIC BUZZING CONTINUES]
- [RAT CHITTERS]
- [SCREAMS]
It's a rat! Rat! Oh [INHALES SHARPLY]
That's Jonathan.
He's trained to run back and
forth when the lights are on.
Did you train a rat?
I didn't.
He was the understudy rat
in that fucking endless Harry Potter
play I had to sit through with Phoebe.
[SIGHS]
[INHALES SHARPLY] This is in the way.
It's a problem for me
because I would really
like Ted to be able
to address all the
players on a match day,
and this is very much in the way.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's why I put it there.
[PIN SQUEAKING]
Catch.
You know, you didn't have to do this.
You could have sent the
kit man or something.
No.
No one can know my secrets.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
That was pathetic. Run it again.
- And please try to look alive, Siobhan.
- Whoa.
Nice fucking try, you soggy biscuit.
How did you know she was there?
Which one of the twins do
you think was born first?
Who cares?
Well, in my experience, twins do.
I went to middle school with these
two fellas, Hank and Howie Rassmussen.
Identical as all hell except
for their temperaments.
See, Howie had this big
old chip on his shoulder
'cause Hank was born like
20 minutes before him.
So growing up, anything that Hank
did, Howie had to do it better.
Whatever this is, I don't like it.
I'm talking school, ping-pong,
skipping stones, whatever it was,
Howie was always a step ahead.
Kept on through their entire lives, all
the way through Hank becoming a doctor
to Howie going to prison for burning
down his twin
brother's abortion clinic.
- What is your point?
- I think Siobhan's older.
Well, their stories are irrelevant
to their play on the pitch.
Yeah, maybe.
I just like figuring out
what makes folks tick.
Hey, what about you?
You got any siblings?
Oh, my God, enough. Listen, I
am only here for three more days.
- I do not need to do
- [JOSIE SCREAMS]
[CHILTON] Oh. Oh.
[JOSIE] Fucking hell! [SCREAMS]
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
- Fucking hell!
- Right. Lie back.
- Okay, Josie? Hey. Josie.
- My knee! It's not all right.
- It's all right. You'll be all right.
- It's fucked!
I got you. Josie, I got you. Hold tight.
My knee is fucked!
- It's gonna be fine.
- It's over. It's over.
Just breathe. Can we
get the basket over here?
You'll be all right. Look at me.
- You are gonna play. I promise you.
- No, I can't.
- It's fucking gone.
- Try not to move. All right?
Basket's nearly here, all right?
We're gonna get you into it.
I'm gonna go with her to the hospital,
- if that's okay?
- Yeah, no, of course, yeah.
- [BREATHES SHAKILY]
- It's all right, mate.
- You're gonna be fine. I'm here.
- Okay.
[CHILTON] We're in this together, yeah?
I'm here with you.
Okay, I took the gum
out of the showerheads
and I fixed the fuses so the
lights won't flicker anymore.
Just gotta get rid of this.
- That's it then?
- No, not quite.
[GASPS]
[GRUNTS]
Thank you, Roy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey.
- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.
I'm afraid that I'm losing someone.
I thought we had something,
but their heart is with another.
- Beard?
- Yep.
What would you do?
I think keeping two people
apart who belong together is bad.
Not just for them, but for everybody.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
You know this is the first time we've
been alone together in three years.
We are not alone.
[SQUEAKING]
Thanks again, Roy.
[MUSIC ENDS]
I read an amazing Eleanor Roosevelt
quote this morning, Higgins.
"No one can make you feel
inferior without your consent."
Oh, that's beautiful, Rebecca.
Well, I didn't come up
with it. I just read it.
[GASPS]
You all right?
Yeah. Yeah.
What was that quote, Rebecca?
Oh, shut up, Leslie.
Make sure that woman
finds her replacement.
And finish that report.
[SIGHS, MUMBLES]
Why are you still here?
Well, I just wanted an
update on how Josie's doing.
- She tore her ACL.
- [SIGHS]
- Poor kid.
- I've seen my fair share.
It's devastating, every time.
- [TED] Hmm.
- She'll be out for the season.
[TED CLICKS TONGUE]
[SIGHS]
Well, hey, I appreciate you
looking after her like that.
All right, now.
She was our starting striker, you know.
Oh.
You said "our." [CHUCKLES]
I-I'm just messing with you.
[CHUCKLES]
Your last day is Friday, I know.
See you in the morning, Coach.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
-
[HAMMOND] Good morning,
and happy Friday.
We made it through another week.
[O'LEARY] On today's show, do you ever
wish your weekend could last forever?
Well, one man tried that
using AI, and now he's dead.
[SIGHS] There's nothing I can eat here.
Mother, what are you talking about?
We've eaten here a million times.
Yes, but I'm thinking
of becoming a vegan.
Or Jewish.
And all I know is that I
want to eat less cheese.
Mother, am I a feminist?
I hope not.
I raised you better than that.
Why?
Some woman at work accused me
of not being supportive of women.
Oh, that just reeks of jealousy.
It's very unattractive.
[SERVER] Hello.
I'd like something that tastes
of cheese, but isn't cheese.
Mother, why don't you
just eat less cheese?
I don't want to do some fad diet.
I want to do this for a higher purpose.
We're gonna need another minute.
You know what, w-why don't
you just fire this jealous hag?
No, I'm not gonna do that.
Besides, she already quit.
Today's her last day.
Well, if I have any advice to give
you, it's that women are monsters.
Men showed us the way,
and we perfected the model.
You know that's not far
off a bell hooks quote.
Careful, Mother, you
might be a feminist.
Oh, don't say that.
You'll ruin my appetite.
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
I think we should call it.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
All right, ladies, great first week.
I'll see you all on Monday.
Actually, hold on.
Let's go this way.
Come on.
Right this way.
Lady Greyhounds, your new digs.
- [PLAYERS GASP]
- Yes!
- These lockers are fucking class!
- [PLAYERS CLAMOR]
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
Oh, yours already smells like arse.
Well, luckily you won't be able to
smell it after I take a shit in yours.
Oh, my God. Unlimited tampons.
- Banging.
- [MARGY] Fuck, yeah! Free tampons.
[CHATTERING, LAUGHING CONTINUES]
Am I allowed to drill holes in that?
Oh, yeah, do whatever you want.
Uh, hey, no more having to move your
stuff in and out either. All right?
And this is all courtesy
of one Miss Keeley Jones.
So next time you see her in the hallway,
make sure you give
her a high five, yeah.
[ALL CHEERING]
Wanna see the new coach's office?
Oi.
There's eight fucking showers in here.
- [PLAYERS CLAMORING]
- [NIAMH CHUCKLES]
Hey.
You're being released.
Why?
You've violated the AFC Richmond bylaws.
What section?
Comportment and manners, section
6, subsection B, which reads
"In the confines of
match regulated gameplay,
all coaching staff must respect the
judgment of referees and officials
and refrain from derogatory
comments and insinuations"?
You once said under your breath to an
official at Villa Park, "Wrong call."
After you called him a stupid
bloody fucking wanking knob.
So you remember.
Whose head you were going
to rip off his body
What you did was a serious offense
and then use his skull as a toilet.
against the Richmond men's team.
[GASPS]
Other Richmond teams may
have different policies.
You're right.
I was out of line.
Mm-hmm.
Hi, ladies, thanks for coming.
I'll be right with you.
- [CHILTON SNIFFLES, CLEARS THROAT]
- Hmm.
Uh, here are the candidates' résumés.
Oh, great. Thank you for doing that.
And actually, you know what, I
got a little something for you.
It's a going-away gift.
Hopefully you can use
it wherever you land.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, no problem.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
- [TED SIGHS]
- What's wrong?
Nothing. No, I just had to
send all them ladies home.
I already found my assistant coach.
Who?
Well, she's from Lewisham,
you know, working-class family.
Was a skinny little
whiz kid of a midfielder
over there at the Arsenal Academy.
Known for her work ethic and being a
real B-I-T-C-H to the older players.
We're talking captain material,
you know, a superstar in the making.
Until at 22, she tears
the ACL in her left knee.
Spent the whole year doing rehab.
First game back, tears the other one.
Two years after that,
tears the left one again.
Bringing her playing career
to an end right then and there.
But ain't no way that's
the end of her story.
'Cause anybody strong
enough to go through all that
and, well, hell, smart enough
to put together all this
and not only loves the sport of football
but also, as I've seen with my own eyes,
can care deeply for the
women that play it
Shoot.
Now there's a coach.
And I got a hunch that
story's just getting started.
Uh, hey, look.
I know your heart was
set on the top job.
And I sincerely hope you get
everything you want and deserve.
But until then,
will you please stick
around and help me out?
- Coach, I
- Now hold on.
Before you answer, I just want
to give you some time alone.
Let you think about it.
All right?
So, I'm gonna go stand
over here in the corner.
And, uh, I'll give you
five whole seconds, yeah?
You just go ahead and take your time.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Okay, those last few were a little quick.
I know, I got excited.
[CHUCKLES]
So what you think?
Yeah.
Yes. I'll stay.
It better not be shit.
Well, if it is, welcome to second
division women's football, right?
[CHUCKLES]
Now, can I get your gift back please?
- You want it back?
- Yeah, man.
That was a going away gift.
You ain't going nowhere.
Come on now. Cough it up. Let's go.
Okay.
- Thank you.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
I'm back, baby!
[CHEERING, LAUGHING]
[SIGHS]
[KNOCKING]
- [EXHALES]
- [HIGGINS CHUCKLES]
I finally finished it.
- [SIGHS]
- And?
And my eyeballs are still sweating.
No, I meant, and what does it say?
[CLEARS THROAT] Right.
Well [SIGHS]
It indicates a low chance
of long-term viability
for our women's team.
Adding that if the
investment is unsuccessful,
it could potentially deal a significant
blow to our men's program as well.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
What would you do if you were me?
[CHUCKLES]
Well, you know, my mum used to say
that strong women
stand up for themselves
and stronger women stand up for others.
[REBECCA SIGHS]
Thank you, Leslie.
Now, if you don't mind
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'm gonna set this on fire,
dump its ashes into the Thames,
and let us never speak of
its existence ever again.
[INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Hello.
- Oh, Coach Lasso just left.
Uh, no, it's you I wanted to see.
Here's the letter of
recommendation you asked for.
Oh, you really didn't have to do this
There was actually something else
I needed to talk to you about.
When you questioned why I hadn't
considered a female head coach,
I have to admit I was shocked.
Defensive, in fact.
I thought, "Who the fuck does this
young woman think she's talking to?"
- Miss Welton
- No, no, I'm not done.
I also thought, "Does she have
a clue what I've gone through
to even create a space where she
thinks she can critique me like that?"
- Miss Welton
- Then I thought, "Have I lost touch?
Have I forgotten how to
keep pushing forward?"
Perhaps being pro-women
is something broader than
it was when I was your age.
And so I thank you for calling me out.
I'm just sorry you won't
be here to see the results.
- Miss Welton
- Let me finish, Alice.
So, while I do appreciate
the self-discovery
that your inquiry has led me towards,
might I strongly suggest that the
next time you have something so helpful
to say to someone,
perhaps you could show a teeny-tiny bit
more empathy and a little less judgment.
Am I clear?
Good.
Now what was it you wanted to tell me?
Ted offered me the job of
assistant coach, and I've accepted.
Wow, yeah.
Yes! That's great.
- Hmm.
- That's excellent.
[WHOOPS]
Now we're cookin'.
[GASPS] Go, Greyhound
Lady Greyhounds. Go, Lady Greyhounds.
[WHOOPS, CHUCKLES]
[CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS]
I bet it was far more enticing
getting that job offer from a man.
That was a joke.
Oh, I know.
It was very funny.
["SISTERS ARE DOIN' I
FOR THEMSELVES" PLAYING]
Right.