Brassic (2019) s04e03 Episode Script

White Rabbit
Ooh
Jesus. Fucking hell.
I forgot you were there.
Yes, dude, listen to this one.
In Switzerland, if you have a guinea
pig, it has to have a pal with it.
In Switzerland, if you have a guinea
pig, it has to have a pal with it.
Can't be on its own because
they're social animals, you see?
They get lonely, so it's illegal
to keep one on its tod.
They get lonely, so it's illegal
to keep one on its tod.
No, it's a nice gesture,
but doesn't exactly exonerate
the Nazi-banking cunts, does it?
Wonder if one of them guinea pigs
could ever be like me.
Wonder if one of them guinea pigs
could ever be like me.
Just bit of an antisocial pig.
You know,
who doesn't wanna be around
all the other guinea pigs
24-fucking-7, for God sake.
24-fucking-7, for God sake.
What, because of
youryour social whatnot?
You're a bad doctor.
You're a bad doctor.
Excellent doctor -
got my diploma to prove it.
Where the fucks my diploma?!
Where the fucks my diploma?!
Adyan Khan. What? Adyan Khan, man.
He's a fucking patient.
Adyan Khan?
Yes, he's nicked it.
He sold it to Unit John
who owns the chippy.
Fucking boss-eyed little twat.
Fucking boss-eyed little twat.
Right, Vinnie, standard procedure
is to address the root cause
of the anxiety.
So what's making you anxious?
of the anxiety.
So what's making you anxious?
A fucking million things are making
me - Just tell me one of them.
Alright. Everything's just
everything's so expensive.
I'm just not even enjoying myself.
everything's so expensive.
I'm just not even enjoying myself.
Yeah, no, I've got nothing.
Give me something else?
Erm Alright.
Perfect example - going camping
tonight with my knobhead mates.
Perfect example - going camping
tonight with my knobhead mates.
We're in middle of fucking nowhere.
This is not a treat for me,
you know what I mean? I'm just
a fucking walking contradiction.
I'm lonely, yet I can't stand
being with people. They
I'm lonely, yet I can't stand
being with people. They
Well, maybe the fresh air
will do you good? Fantastic.
Thank God you're here.
Thank God you're here.
Fucking fresh air. Listen to this.
This'll cheer you up.
Is that Adyan Khan?
Hi, Adyan, it's Dr Chris here.
Adyan, there's no easy way
of saying this, really,
but your tests have come back.
Let me put it this way. I wouldn't
bother booking a holiday next year.
Let me put it this way. I wouldn't
bother booking a holiday next year.
You'll get in some shit for that.
I think you'd better come in.
Alright, bye.
Money
# The best things in life
Are free #
But how? How did he manage to fuck
up a job working a stop-and-go sign?
Ah, it was just the pressure
just got to him.
Ah, it was just the pressure
just got to him.
He got confused, and now Francis
is after skinning him alive.
He's a very sensitive fella,
now, so just mind you
what you'll be saying to him, like.
What's this?
what you'll be saying to him, like.
What's this?
Cardi's lost that job I got him with
my uncle on the roadworks. Fuck.
Your Uncle Francis is an absol-
Shh Hey up, man.
You alright, love? Yeah.
Do you want a drink? No.
You alright, love? Yeah.
Do you want a drink? No.
What time do you call this?
I said 2:00pm.
Hey. It is not my fault.
It's bloody chaos
down that big posh school, man.
Huge crash down by the roadworks.
down that big posh school, man.
Huge crash down by the roadworks.
Absolute nightmare. You should've
seen it - massive pile-up
with a hearse
and the whole funeral procession.
Coffin came out of the back
and everything.
Coffin came out of the back
and everything.
I've heard that school
has got a sushi chef.
What? I fucking hate that school
with a passion, do you know that?
The kids there are all cunts.
It's an absolute piss-take.
The kids there are all cunts.
It's an absolute piss-take.
The community centre gets pushed
back on every grant we apply for -
them twats get sushi chefs.
We all ready to go camping, then?
Where's all your gear?
We're not coming.
Why not?
I'd rather get a UTI.
Why not?
I'd rather get a UTI.
It's gonna be the usual mayhem
with you lot.
It fucking ain't gonna be
the usual mayhem with us lot.
It's gonna be magical,
and it's gonna be whimsical.
These Boots Are Made For Walkin'
These Boots Are Made For Walkin'
Bring it on. Laugh it up,
you rancid bunch of dickheads.
Bring it on. Laugh it up,
you rancid bunch of dickheads.
Well, at least one of us
is prepared for the wilderness
and her many, many challenges.
You look like Ray Mears crapped out
a Borrower, you cunt. Where's Ashley?
You look like Ray Mears crapped out
a Borrower, you cunt. Where's Ashley?
Having a poo. Having a poo?
Are you wearing that, love? Yeah.
What the fuck are you lot up to?
So, it's replacement work
on the power grid.
So, it's replacement work
on the power grid.
They're upgrading the cables
or something.
# And now someone else
Is getting all your best
# These boots are made for walkin'
# And that's just what they'll do
# One of these days, these boots
Are gonna walk all over you #
# One of these days, these boots
Are gonna walk all over you #
Fuck!
So within that one-hour window,
they cut the power to the area,
OK, they replace the cables,
and then they restore the power.
OK, they replace the cables,
and then they restore the power.
Oi? Oi. All within an hour? All
within an hour All within an hour.
Fucking giggling about? You look like
you're fixing to do a job, you lot.
What's going on?
Fucking giggling about? You look like
you're fixing to do a job, you lot.
What's going on?
Big posh school is getting its power
cut off tonight for an hour.
No CCTV, no alarms, nothing.
Who's fucking robbing it, you lot?
Thinking about it.
I just I thought you were
bang against all that kind of shit.
Thieving, yeah, I am, generally.
Thieving, yeah, I am, generally.
But this is
redistribution of wealth.
Yeah, alright, but it's just
that's an ambitious job, that.
Wait till we come back. What for?
that's an ambitious job, that.
Wait till we come back. What for?
Well, we're professionals thieves,
aren't we?
That there is a bit of a stretch,
now. 'Professional!'
I just don't want you to get fucking
nicked, do you know what I mean?
I just don't want you to get fucking
nicked, do you know what I mean?
The reality is you lot
are more likely
to get in shit camping
than we are robbing that place.
How do you figure that out,
smiling dickhead? We will see!
How do you figure that out,
smiling dickhead? We will see!
Yes, we will see. We will see.
Yes, we will see.
We will see. I'll fucking see.
I've got one word for you -
Keithy McBride.
It's fucking two words!
Keithy McBride.
It's fucking two words!
He's a prick.
Let's do it, lads.
Fucking hell Where
the fuck's Ashley?
He's still pooing.
# You gotta go where you wanna go
# Do what you wanna do
# Do what you wanna do
# You don't understand that it #
Failure to prepare
is preparing to fail.
You mark my words,
I'm a man who does not fail.
Is that a Cubs thing, or what?
Is it fuck a fucking Cubs thing,
Ashley. Cubs
are a bunch of slags and poseurs.
A real man sets his own challenges.
are a bunch of slags and poseurs.
A real man sets his own challenges.
Didn't you get kicked out of Cubs,
Tommo? Yes, he got kicked out.
I left the Cubs of my own accord.
I left the Cubs of my own accord.
Yeah. After they told you
to fuck clean off, you did.
What did they do that for?
Fucking pushed Marie Bennett into
an electric fence. She went flying.
Anyway, by that point,
I'd outgrown the Cubs, thank you.
Anyway, by that point,
I'd outgrown the Cubs, thank you.
You didn't outgrow
that bloody uniform, did you?
Fucking hell! Vin?
Fucking hell! Vin?
Oh. Fuck my arse.
Right, come on.
Right, come on.
Oh. Here we go.
Oi, oi, oi.
The fucking hell's wrong with this
now? It'll be the carburettor.
It'll be the carb You don't
know about carburettors. I do.
It'll be the carb You don't
know about carburettors. I do.
Come on, JJ, what is it?
What's that?
It's the thingthe
TheThe little door.
Fuel tank? Correct, and what
does the fuel tank smell of?
Fuel tank? Correct, and what
does the fuel tank smell of?
Cars?
- Fuel.
- Ah, Petrol! It's petrol.
Correct. It smells of petrol.
Correct. It smells of petrol.
Fuck me, that a diesel engine!
Correct answer cos some dickhead has
put petrol in inside of it. Argh!
Correct answer cos some dickhead has
put petrol in inside of it. Argh!
You've fucking ruined that now,
you dickend.
You put petrol in a diesel van? You
said put twenty quid in. Of diesel.
Isn't diesel just a nickname for
petrol? What does that even mean?!
Isn't diesel just a nickname for
petrol? What does that even mean?!
What's the difference
between petrol and diesel?
There's a fucking big difference,
Cardi! What?
You know
fucking different names and that.
You know
fucking different names and that.
Yeah. Different! Different smell..
Smell different.
They make them perform differently
or in this case, just not at all!
They make them perform differently
or in this case, just not at all!
It's to do with the combustion
within the engine. Thank you.
Honestly, stop and go,
diesel, petrol.
I can't keep up
with all these fucking terms!
I can't keep up
with all these fucking terms!
Right, it's at least four miles
back to that petrol station,
then we'll have to wait
for a tow truck. However
if we cut across these fields
and up that hill,
we can get to the hiking trail.
That leads to Stenner Bluff -
two hours, and we're where
we want to be. Oh, my God!
We pick up the van tomorrow. How's
about that? Everybody on board?
Follow me, dickheads.
Follow me, dickheads.
Dickhead.
Come on.
Dickhead.
Come on.
I'm alright! Dickheads. Alright.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Cardi.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Cardi.
- Oh, shite. Fuck.
- Carol. Keep going.
Keep fucking going. Jesus Christ.
Carol! Carol!
Keep fucking going. Jesus Christ.
Carol! Carol!
Roll down the window. Roll it down.
Roll it down.
Oh, how's it going?
You see what that idiot boy of yours
done? A hearse! A fucking hearse.
You see what that idiot boy of yours
done? A hearse! A fucking hearse.
I tell ya, he's gonna need
a fucking hearse when I sees him.
Oh, Jesus, no,
the situation, so it is,
absolutely devastated,
Francis, yeah. Where is he?
absolutely devastated,
Francis, yeah. Where is he?
Ah, he's off now with the lads,
camping - a few pints, you know?
Fucking camping?!
He gets to go camping,
and I have to tidy away
all this shite?
Mm. A stop-go sign.
That's all he had to do!
Mm. A stop-go sign.
That's all he had to do!
Stop and go. How did he fuck up that
so bad? Do you know what, Francis?
How's it even possible?
I don't know, but listen to me, now,
How's it even possible?
I don't know, but listen to me, now,
I think it was all just a bit
too much for him, you know?
Come here. Do you want to buy
that stop-go sign back off him?
Because I don't think he'll get much
use of it now. I'll tell you
Because I don't think he'll get much
use of it now. I'll tell you
I'm gonna shove that stop-go sign
up his fucking hole sideways
when I sees him!
Hours behind we are,
because of him. Hours!
Ask him how far behind exactly.
Ask him how far behind exactly.
In terms of when the power's
gonna be shut down, like,
what time will that be now?
We've put it back till 8:00pm
cos of that gaybag.
Oh, is that definite?
cos of that gaybag.
Oh, is that definite?
Yeah, 8:00pm. And it'll be off
for an hour, will it? Aye.
OK, so. Smashing. You
mind how you go, won't you? See you.
OK, so. Smashing. You
mind how you go, won't you? See you.
Who put out the flaming bollards?!
I told you,
you lazy sons of bitches!
Fucking
Fucking
Tommo, can you take a turn
carrying food for a bit, mate?
No can do, sweetheart.
As I've told you before,
I'm a man
who sets his own challenges.
I'm a man
who sets his own challenges.
So I am on a foraging mission,
living exclusively off the land.
- Take these, for example.
- Tom. Tommy.
Don'tDon't just eat
a random fucking bush,
Don'tDon't just eat
a random fucking bush,
just cos to prove a point.
You know what I mean?
Could be anything. That, right,
is what the supermarkets
want you to think. Yeah?
Nature provides everything we need.
These are perfectly harmless, yeah?
Nature provides everything we need.
These are perfectly harmless, yeah?
But you've been conditioned to think
the only things you can eat
are fucking processed shit
wrapped in single-use plastic.
are fucking processed shit
wrapped in single-use plastic.
Oh, you di
you didn't have to do that.
Do you know what I mean?
Just got to go, organic, yeah?
Do you know what I mean?
Just got to go, organic, yeah?
Mm. Good, are they?
Erm They are actually, yeah.
Might have another one.
Don't have another. Mate.
You're just trying to prove a point
on a random bush.
It's even better, that one. How is
it better? How have they improved?
It's even better, that one. How is
it better? How have they improved?
Just gonnawash it down.
Knock it back with a bit of
Yeah, knock it down
with a fucking load of cocaine.
Yeah, knock it down
with a fucking load of cocaine.
That's what survivalists do!
That's how erm
D-D-D-Dylan! Fuck!
Woo! Woo-hoo!
Dylan, why do you have
to fucking whoop like an American?
Dylan, why do you have
to fucking whoop like an American?
You're gonna be paranoid
in five minutes,
doing everyone's fucking head in.
What are you on about?
He is referencing the time
when you barricaded yourself
He is referencing the time
when you barricaded yourself
into the fucking toilets
at Harley's thing.
Are you still on about that?
No, there was something
something up with the gear.
The fucking club, man, was intense.
something up with the gear.
The fucking club, man, was intense.
A club? It were a christening,
you fucking idiot!
Was it? Yes, a community centre.
Yes, community centre christening.
Fuckingwhat does it matter? We're
out in nature now. Come on! Woo!
Fuckingwhat does it matter? We're
out in nature now. Come on! Woo!
You're gonna be miserable. Don't tell
me any of your fucking woes now.
Seriously.
Seriously.
Lads,
enough fucking daydreaming
Fox one in position. Over.
Fox two in position. They're
about to cut the power. Over.
Fox two in position. They're
about to cut the power. Over.
Fox three in position. Over.
Fox three,
what's with the pram? Over.
It's my cover.
I'm a foreign au pair working here
locally for a very wealthy couple
I'm a foreign au pair working here
locally for a very wealthy couple
who've been working away
for ten years in Hong Kong.
Ouch! Over.
A hearse.
That's the funniest thing
I've ever fucking heard. You guys.
Fucking hell. How you getting on,
love, you alright?
Fucking hell. How you getting on,
love, you alright?
You having a good time? Oh it's
bloody brilliant fun. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. We're having a good 'un.
No incidents to report yet?
No, notnot yet anyway.
No-one's done anything stupid?
No, notnot yet anyway.
No-one's done anything stupid?
No. No
Hey, get off. Get off!
Fucking dickhead. Yes.
About nine quid's worth, that. And
the van got there alright, did it?
About nine quid's worth, that. And
the van got there alright, did it?
Yeah.
Ah, that's funny, that,
because JJ texted Sugar
saying the van broke down.
because JJ texted Sugar
saying the van broke down.
Come on. Come on.
Fuck off.
He'll be winding her up -
you know what he's like.
Oh, hang on, hang on.
Oh, hang on, hang on.
Dylan's just posted a picture
of him and Tommo.
'Hashtag camping bros.'
And there seems to be a lot
of white powder round their noses.
And there seems to be a lot
of white powder round their noses.
Dylan on drugs.
You are in for a night of it, you
are. Listen, he's not had that much.
You are in for a night of it, you
are. Listen, he's not had that much.
He'll be fucking fine. Well,
I hope you're prepared to babysit.
Because let's be honest,
it ain't gonna end well, is it? Oi.
You stop worrying about mine -
you just worry about your own job.
You stop worrying about mine -
you just worry about your own job.
Now, like I said to ya,
when things inevitably go wrong,
just do what you can
to not to bury anyone alive.
That ain't gonna get old, is it?
Alright, well, have fun
looking after your coked-up mate
who can't handle his drugs. Bye-bye!
who can't handle his drugs. Bye-bye!
Fuck! Fuck!
Dickheads. What's the fucking deal?
Why are you all texting
the fucking girl Shit!
Power's cut.
Alright, foxes. Let's go.
Go. Go. Go.
Fuck!
Where the fuck is she?
Ooh.
Jesus, Carol. Where the fuck are ya?
Oh, come on.
We're cutting it fine. Shit!
Where is she? What's she doing?
I don't know. I don't - Carol!
Where is she? What's she doing?
I don't know. I don't - Carol!
Carol!
They're fucking
triple-quilted, like!
Come on, run!
Come on, run!
I've never felt anything like it
in my fucking life, girls.
I've never felt anything like it
in my fucking life, girls.
No alarm.
No alarm!
No alarm!
I'm gonna phone Vinnie.
I'm gonna phone Vinnie.
I'm gonna phone Cardi.
I'm gonna phone Cardi.
Oh
What? What?
Oh
What? What?
- Oh, shit.
- You alright, love?
Tell me you didn't.
Oh, fuck.
I think I dropped it
when I was using the toilet.
I think I dropped it
when I was using the toilet.
No!
Fuck sake, Carol!
Yeah, I dropped my phone, I did.
I dropped my phone.
Hang on. Can they trace that phone
back to you, though?
Er The photo!
Er The photo!
There's a photo of all three of us
posing with
the frigging security guard.
Don't be thick, Sugar.
Fuck sake. Fuck.
Don't be thick, Sugar.
Fuck sake. Fuck.
Get me the crowbar.
How do you not know that?
Everyone around here knows that.
Knows what?
Everyone around here knows that.
Knows what?
Knows about the Lawler
Hunting Party. What the fuck?
Social media slags. Myspacing and -
ASH: Are you serious?
So you're not winding me up?
It's a fact, dude.
So you're not winding me up?
It's a fact, dude.
It happened in them woods
down there. What happened?
- The Lawler Hunting Party.
- They all disappeared.
Six people went hunting in them
woods down there, and then
Six people went hunting in them
woods down there, and then
vanished into thin air. They found
one lad naked and disorientated.
Ashley, sweetheart,
don't be getting upset about it.
Ashley, sweetheart,
don't be getting upset about it.
It's just a fucking wives' tale.
It's not, it's a historical fact.
There's a display
about it in the library. Library.
Alright, listen to this, yeah?
There's a display
about it in the library. Library.
Alright, listen to this, yeah?
Winter of 1927,
the group were last seen
entering the woods upon the hill.
Villagers reported hearing
screams in the night
coming from the vicinity
in the weeks that followed.
coming from the vicinity
in the weeks that followed.
Two weeks later, on February 12th,
20-year-old apprentice gamekeeper
Thomas Dylan
was found clinging to the branch
of an ancient tree
was found clinging to the branch
of an ancient tree
in a catatonic state.
Well, we've all been there,
haven't we?
Jesus Christ.
He remained that way
and was held in an asylum
He remained that way
and was held in an asylum
until his death in the 1950s!
Isn't this also close enough
to where
Adyan Khan was chased
by that pigman?
Adyan Khan was chased
by that pigman?
What's a pigman?
Well, maybe
It'll be a pig with a man's head,
won't it? No, no.
It's the body of a man
with the head of a pig.
It's the body of a man
with the head of a pig.
No, no, no,
cos I heard he also had
the nipples.
the nipples.
Dude Now
Now you see what you do
You've really
fucking made him cry there.
This is you, Dylan.
Has he had more cocaine, this wanker?
This is you, Dylan.
Has he had more cocaine, this wanker?
No. Yeah, he has. Get
your fucking shit together right now.
Break time's over.
I'll take the food, man.
Oi, stop texting the fucking girls.
I'll take the food, man.
Oi, stop texting the fucking girls.
Is it much further?
I'm really tired.
As the crow flies, Stenner Bluff
is about a mile in that direction.
As the crow flies, Stenner Bluff
is about a mile in that direction.
Through them woods?
Yes, through them woods.
Are they the woods
JJ was talking about
with the Hunting Party and that?
Oh, no, that's a classic
horror film mistake that, lads.
Oh, no, that's a classic
horror film mistake that, lads.
Yeah, guys, wait. We can't be
taking the piss out of them woods.
Listen, we just got to stick
to the straight paths.
No-one is taking the piss out
of the fucking woods.
No-one is taking the piss out
of the fucking woods.
We're supposed to be
having a good time, boys. Right.
All those who are not gonna shit
their pants in the fucking woods,
follow me. They're just woods.
They're just woods.
follow me. They're just woods.
They're just woods.
Come on.
Tom? You look like shit, dude.
Are you alright?
Tom? You look like shit, dude.
Are you alright?
No, no, no.
I am absolutely fine, thank you.
Tom? Hey. Shh, shh.
Tom? Hey. Shh, shh.
Did you hear that?
What?
Exactly. It's like
the whole place is dead
like a tomb.
No, don't Please. Don't, man.
like a tomb.
No, don't Please. Don't, man.
Hey. Hey. Hey! Do you hear that?
Yeah.
It's like whispers in the trees
or something. Whispering trees?
It's like whispers in the trees
or something. Whispering trees?
Did you not hear it? No, no,
I think I did that time. Yeah, no.
I heard it. It were like whispers,
weren't it, Dyl? Dyldo! Oi!
I heard it. It were like whispers,
weren't it, Dyl? Dyldo! Oi!
Are you fucking frightening
all them lads? You know Ashley's
sensitive with paranoid bullshit.
It's alright. Sorry.
Fuck.
It's alright. Sorry.
Fuck.
Does my head in. Tom?
- Dyl?
- Huh?
You alright? Yeah. How many nipples
does a male pig have?
What?
Oh, gross, dude. Tommy, 'fess up.
You've got diarrhoea, bruv.
Have I fuck. I'm foraging, aren't I?
You are not foraging.
Have I fuck. I'm foraging, aren't I?
You are not foraging.
You had all them fucking berries
we begged you not to eat.
Now you've poisoned yourself.
You've got terrible diarrhoea!
- No, I haven't.
- I'm foragah!
- No, I haven't.
- I'm foragah!
Ooh. I'm telling you,
I saw something. Oi!
It was a robed figure.
What are them twats doing?
What are them twats doing?
Oh, God.
Ooh.
- Ow. Watch out.
- Shh. Quiet.
It's not me - Carol keeps
sticking her arse in my face.
I think you'll find it's you
sticking your face in my arse.
I think you'll find it's you
sticking your face in my arse.
It's your own fault, Carol. Argh!
Fuck!
Now, how much longer are we gonna be
trekking on like knobheads for?
I dunno how that map's helping you.
Vinnie. Vinnie.
I dunno how that map's helping you.
Vinnie. Vinnie.
It is very complicated, right?
I have to triangulate stars
Well, what's the compass for, so?
The compass, thank you for asking,
is for finding the sun and stars
and that, in't it?
Fuck off, you dickhead!
Dude Dyl.
Yeah.
What was the name
of that lad you said they found
What was the name
of that lad you said they found
'clinging to the branches
of an ancient tree'?
- Thomas Dylan.
- Thomas Dylan! Oh, my God!
This could be the actual tree
where they found him!
This could be the actual tree
where they found him!
It's definitely the tree.
Don't wind each other.
It's just a tree.
Dude! Argh!
What you doing?
Dude! Argh!
What you doing?
What's it look like I'm doing?
I'm having a slash.
Tommo, you mustn't piss on magic.
Cos some lad wanked himself into
a coma in it hundred years ago?
Cos some lad wanked himself into
a coma in it hundred years ago?
Oh, I'm very scared. Ooh!
I'm fucking shitting myself.
Nice one, Tommo.
You probably just put
a fucking curse on all of us!
So will you please
just get us out of here?
So will you please
just get us out of here?
What the fuck is this?
What is that?
This is a map of North Korea!
Thomas?!
No. No. No. Hang on. Hang on.
Before you get upset, right, I
Before you get upset, right, I
..I had to set myself
a personal challenge. What the fuck?
A personal challenge
to survive in the wilderness
A personal challenge
to survive in the wilderness
..without any provisions
or the assistance of a map.
Oh, Jesus. Oh.
What the fuck!
Oh, Jesus. Oh.
What the fuck!
Hey. Hey. Hey. Behave yourselves.
You have led us in the middle of
this flipping murder forest
You have led us in the middle of
this flipping murder forest
with no idea of where we are going
or how we're gonna fucking get out!
I've got an idea.
Don't you worry,
sweetheart, because
we must follow the compass. Ha ha!
we must follow the compass. Ha ha!
Navigationally, we must continue
in that direction.
Follow me!
Come here,
Shiticus Maximus Decimus Meridius
with your fucking map of North Korea.
with your fucking map of North Korea.
- Absolute worst day out ever.
- Should have put me in charge.
Why has he got a map of North Korea?
# If you go down in the woods today
# You're sure of a big surprise
# If you go down in the woods today
# If you go down in the woods today
# You'd better go in disguise
# For every bear that ever there was
# Will gather there
For certain because #
# Will gather there
For certain because #
You are so bad-tempered dude.
You are bad tempered!
No, you. Settle down.
You are bad tempered!
No, you. Settle down.
Wanker.
Not long now, lads,
we'll be out of these woods.
Hang on a minute, man.
We've defin We've been here.
Without question, we've been here.
No, no, no.
All terrain looks similar
to the untrained eye.
All terrain looks similar
to the untrained eye.
Oh, fuck me, it's one of
Tommo's coke bags. No, no, no, no.
That's not one of my
It's not one of my coke bags, no!
It says Dylan on the fucking tree!
It says Dylan on the fucking tree!
Oh, my God, we've been
going round in circles, Thomas!
It's a different tree.
It's got to be!
We've been going in a straight line.
It's got to be a different tree.
It's the same one, you clown.
We've been going in a straight line.
It's got to be a different tree.
It's the same one, you clown.
It's called us back. It's cursed!
It's not fucking cursed, Dylan. It's
a fucking tree. Fuck you, Tommo.
It's not fucking cursed, Dylan. It's
a fucking tree. Fuck you, Tommo.
You've fucking lied to us, now we're
gonna die here! I don't like this.
I knew I shouldn't have come,
dickhead. Lads, lads. Lads.
We may perhaps
We may perhaps
have found ourselves
in a little bit of a tight spot.
But now is not the time
to dissolve into petty bickering
But now is not the time
to dissolve into petty bickering
about who may
or may not be to blame.
No-one's bickering -
we all agree you're to blame. You.
Without question.
It's like that, is it?
Without question.
It's like that, is it?
Well, how's about this for an idea,
then? Find your own fucking way out.
Yeah? Anyone who wants to survive
these woods, follow me.
Tom. Don't sulk off, man.
Fuck yourself, mate!
Oh, Christ. Thomas!
Let him go.
Wanker.
Let him go.
Wanker.
Come on. Oi. Get away from the tree,
come on.
Tom? Tom?
Tom? Tom?
Oh, fuck!
Where'd he go?
He's just vanished.
Fuck.
Vinnie I think we should just
pitch camp here for the night.
Vinnie I think we should just
pitch camp here for the night.
- Right? Get a fire going.
- Set out first light.
Let's just face facts here
for a minute.
We're just a little bit
lost in the woods here, lads.
We're just a little bit
lost in the woods here, lads.
We're lost in the woods.
Jesus Christ. Help us!
We're lost in the woods.
Jesus Christ. Help us!
Help! Argh! Help us right now.
Oi! You.
Give over. You did this.
Sit down for a fucking minute,
will you? Have a minute!
Sit down! Convalesce. Now
Sit down! Convalesce. Now
Dude, we cannot stay here,
in these woods, at night. Why not?
Fuck this. Call the woodland police,
tell them to come and get us.
Fuck this. Call the woodland police,
tell them to come and get us.
Now, hang on a minute, that is
a good idea. Try and find the number
for the woodland po That's not
a fucking thing. I'm phoning Carol.
How would the po -
I'm phoning Carol! Don't
How would the po -
I'm phoning Carol! Don't
Tell her we're having a good time.
Tell her. No fucking signal.
Oh, my God.
I ain't got no signal either.
I've got no fucking signal. Well,
that's the idea. I burnt my eyebrow.
I've got no fucking signal. Well,
that's the idea. I burnt my eyebrow.
He's burnt his eyebrow. Just fucking
chill out, man, for fuck sake.
Can we all just calm the fuck down?
Can we all just calm the fuck down?
Right, Sugar, you stay up here in
case we need pulling up, yeah? OK.
Right, Sugar, you stay up here in
case we need pulling up, yeah? OK.
Are you calling it?
Yes, Carol, I'm calling it, yeah.
I'll go check the jacks.
Yes. Quick. Quick. Quick.
Fucking hell.
Fucking hell.
I am gonna check over there.
Oh, shit. Motion sensor.
Don't move.
Hey, hey, hey!
I've seen things in them woods.
What things? Hidden figures. Figures
in the trees. Figures in robes.
What things? Hidden figures. Figures
in the trees. Figures in robes.
Masks. Figures.
They're dressed like monks.
Monkeys in masks!
Oh, fuck! What the hell was that?
Sounded like a tree falling over.
Dude, trees don't just fall over.
Absolutely, they do.
It's a very tree-ish thing
Absolutely, they do.
It's a very tree-ish thing
to do, actually.
What could make a tree fall over?
A bunch of monks!
Fuck me, that's it. Shut the fuck up!
A bunch of monks!
Fuck me, that's it. Shut the fuck up!
You're frightening the shit
out of each other.
There aren't fucking monks
pushing over trees! There's no curse.
There's definitely not a man
with the head of a pig
There's definitely not a man
with the head of a pig
and fucking giant nips. It's just us
and a load of fucking trees.
And don't text the fucking girls.
And don't text the fucking girls.
Stop trying. If they find out
we're having a shit time,
I lose the fucking thing with Erin.
Where are you going?! I'm going
finding the phantom shitter!
Fucking out here somewhere. Frodo!
- Who?
- Shit. Vin.
- Who?
- Shit. Vin.
What the fuck is happening
with him today?
This is a bit like Squid Game,
in't it, Erin?
Jesus.
Sugar, I need to move.
I'm getting cramp.
Sugar, I need to move.
I'm getting cramp.
OK. Just move very, very gradually
OK. Just move very, very gradually
so they won't register you.
OK.
Thomas?! Thomas!
Tom?! Tommy?!
Come on, dude.
Fuck!
Fuck!
Tom? Tom, I'm serious, man.
Come on, stop fucking around, dude.
It's pitch black.
Tom?
Tom?
Dude, come on,
stop fucking about, you f
Oh, thank fuck.
Keep going, you're getting closer.
That's it, you are nearly here.
Keep going, you're getting closer.
That's it, you are nearly here.
Keep coming.
It was only
on the floor of the jacks!
It was only
on the floor of the jacks!
Shit!
Fucking hell! Come on.
Bloody thing.
Bloody thing.
Behave yourself.
You're hurting me hole.
Oh, fuck! Jesus Christ.
Oh, fuck. Fucking hell. Thomas?!
Oh, fuck. Fucking hell. Thomas?!
# I put a spell on you
Christ
managed to shite his own pants off.
Impressive!
managed to shite his own pants off.
Impressive!
# Because you're mine
# Stop the things you do
Alright, there we are.
Alright, there we are.
# What's up?
# I ain't lying
Oh, fuck! Shit!
Oh! Ow!
# Oh, yeah! #
You don't have to skulk out there.
Come, take a seat if you like.
Sorry.
I didn't
I just didn't want to make you jump.
I ergone camping
with my dickhead mates, ended up
I ergone camping
with my dickhead mates, ended up
getting a bit lost myself, so
Aren't we all?
Have a seat. Oh, thanks ever so
much, man. You are a bloody angel.
Have a seat. Oh, thanks ever so
much, man. You are a bloody angel.
Go on, Tommo. Here you go.
Pull yourself together, lad.
You're a big boy. It's just nature.
Trees, more trees, leaves
and mulch. Nothing weird
about that whatsouh.
and mulch. Nothing weird
about that whatsouh.
Fuck.
Maybe what you saw
wasn't a monk. OK?
Maybe what you saw
wasn't a monk. OK?
What else could it be?
I dunno. A nun?
Dyl? The monk
Dyl? The monk
did he have any friends with him?
Eh?
Were they carrying torches?
Eh?
Fuck!
Fuck!
Don't leave me!
It's fucking monks!
I'm just
I don't think I'm good at being
around people is all, you know?
I know it sounds fucking daft.
Let me see if I've got this right.
Let me see if I've got this right.
You find it hard
being around people
..so you go off
and live in the woods.
But living alone
makes you feel lonely.
But living alone
makes you feel lonely.
So you try and dip your toe back in
every once in a while
..do normal things normal people do.
..do normal things normal people do.
But doing these things
make you feel like an imposter.
It makes you miserable.
That about right?
That about right?
Yeah.
Hmm. Well, you're wrong.
Eh?
You're wrong.
Eh?
You're wrong.
Your thinking's off.
Is it?
Yeah. You're comparing yourself
to people who you don't want to be.
Yeah. You're comparing yourself
to people who you don't want to be.
Yeah.
Fucking hell, yeah. I do that.
But that doesn't make you weird.
What it makes you
What it makes you
..is a success.
Because it makes you the master
of your own destiny, man, like me.
Because it makes you the master
of your own destiny, man, like me.
You and me, we're not like the rest
of the trees in the forest.
We'rebeautiful anomalies
of nature
We'rebeautiful anomalies
of nature
..like them trees you see growing
out the side of some chimney
on a derelict factory -
despite all the damage.
on a derelict factory -
despite all the damage.
How you are
is not some sort of handicap.
It's a gift.
is not some sort of handicap.
It's a gift.
Don't waste your life
caring what other people
think about you.
caring what other people
think about you.
The only thing that matters
..is being honest with yourself.
..is being honest with yourself.
Knowing you are
a decent human being.
I fucking really needed that.
I fucking really needed that.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, sorry.
Right.
Better go
and find them knobheads, eh?
Pleasure to meet you, Vincent.
On you go.
Pleasure to meet you, Vincent.
On you go.
Don't be a stranger.
Quick. Quick.
- Here.
- I'm up. I'm up.
Oh, fuck! Argh!
What the bloody hell was that?
Come on, quick!
What the bloody hell was that?
Come on, quick!
Bloody hell.
I knew this was a bad idea.
It was your fucking idea.
The last lot who tried
to rob this place got 18 months.
The last lot who tried
to rob this place got 18 months.
It's classed as a charity here.
Judges take a very dim view
of people who rob charities.
Judges take a very dim view
of people who rob charities.
However
an all-female crew.
an all-female crew.
To be honest,
I think it's way overdue
if you ask me.
You know, I'm a big fan of women.
You know, I'm a big fan of women.
And feminists. All of that.
Got all the hashtags.
Look, you give it a bloody good go,
you should be
really proud of yourselves.
you should be
really proud of yourselves.
I don't want this to put you off
trying anything like this again
in the future.
However,
I need you put everything back
just as you found it. But I need you
to do it in the next five minutes,
just as you found it. But I need you
to do it in the next five minutes,
or I'm calling the cops. Chop chop.
Fuck sake.
Fuck sake.
Shit.
Shit! Fuck me.
Tom?
Tom?
Tom? Thomas? T
Vincent?
Thomas.
Are you alright?
Are you alright?
No, I'm not alright.
There's monks after me, and
I did, in fact,
I have terrible diarrhoea.
I did, in fact,
I have terrible diarrhoea.
Can I borrow your joggers?
Listen to me. Yeah. You've eaten
a load of poisonous berries. Yeah.
Done too much cocaine.
You've ended up
Done too much cocaine.
You've ended up
fucking shitting yourself senseless,
you daft cunt.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah. Yeah.
Robed figures in the middle
of the fucking woods. Jesu-
Oh, fucking shit!
Get the fuck down. Get down!
Oh, fucking shit!
Get the fuck down. Get down!
Torch. Torch, dude!
Oh, shit. Mind.
Now do you believe me?
Now do you believe me?
Yes, I do.
We need to get the fuck out of here.
Oh, shit! Woodlice.
Brotherhood of
the Hood. Brotherhood of the Hood.
Brotherhood of
the Hood. Brotherhood of the Hood.
Brotherhood of the Hood.
Brotherhood of the Hood.
Shh. Quiet.
- Jesus Christ.
- Lads, what the fuck is that?!
- Jesus Christ.
- Lads, what the fuck is that?!
Fuck sake. Dude.
Holy shit.
Dude, what are they doing
with that guy?
They're putting him in
They're gonna fucking set fire
They're gonna sacrifice that man.
Right now. Listen to me.
I have to help. Vinnie.
Right now. Listen to me.
I have to help. Vinnie.
I'm right behind ya.
Right on my back.
I love you, man.
Right, let's go. Let's do it.
Brotherhood of
the Hood. Brotherhood of the Hood.
Brotherhood of
the Hood. Brotherhood of the Hood.
Oi. Oi. Oi. Stop it.
Stop what you're doing!
Argh, you fuckers. Oi. Oi. Oi.
Stop it. Stop what you're doing.
Argh, you fuckers. Oi. Oi. Oi.
Stop it. Stop what you're doing.
Stop what you are fucking doing
right now.
Someone just check on that
guy there. I'm worried about him.
What the fuck!
What the fuck!
Tommo! You were supposed
to come down with me, man.
Sorry. Lost me confidence.
Sabotage
Dyl!
Dyl!
Shit!
Dylan! Dylan, settle down a little
bit. You've had too much cocaine.
Dylan! Dylan, settle down a little
bit. You've had too much cocaine.
Where are your trousers? I had to
give 'em to Tom - he shat himself.
Now, everyone, just fucking back off.
It's alright, lad. Back off, fucker.
It's alright, lad. Back off, fucker.
It's alright. It's alright, lad.
What's happening?
It's alright.
You're safe now.
Who are you? What do you mean?
We're fucking here to save ya.
Who are you? What do you mean?
We're fucking here to save ya.
Get you away from all these fuckwits.
Yeah, what for?
What do you mean, 'What for'?
Is this still part of it?
Part of fucking what?
The ceremony?
Part of fucking what?
The ceremony?
No! We are rescuers.
We've come to rescue you.
The non-believers have broken
the Brotherhood's sacred circle!
The non-believers have broken
the Brotherhood's sacred circle!
- They must not That's Shirley.
- Shirley? Shirley!
No No, I know not
of who you speak.
It fucking well is him!
It fucking well is him!
Why wouldn't Jimbo be here as well?
I'm filming it all.
I told you I'd expose you, didn't I?
You bunch of fucking nonces.
You bunch of fucking nonces.
You can shove that camera up your
arse, you. Fuck me, that's Bishop.
Just a bit of fun! Bit of fun?
Like burning people in the woods?
We're not burning anybody? No!
It's more of a ceremonial thing.
We're not burning anybody? No!
It's more of a ceremonial thing.
It was.
What the fuck is going on? Jimbo!
The Brotherhood of the Hood.
Brotherhood of
the hood. Brotherhood of the hood.
Brotherhood of
the hood. Brotherhood of the hood.
The BrothBroth What?
Yeah, I know, it's a shit name,
for a shit so-called secret society
full of local fucking nutters.
for a shit so-called secret society
full of local fucking nutters.
Businessmen. And women
and non-binary individuals.
We're very progressive! Yes,
and women and non-binary individuals
who enjoy the iconography
of the occult,
but also have a shared interest in
Hawley's local business community.
Captains of industry in the greater
Hawley area is how I'd describe us -
Captains of industry in the greater
Hawley area is how I'd describe us -
not that we're allowed
to tell anyone,
being a secret society and all.
So it's Masons
who can't get into Masons?
So it's Masons
who can't get into Masons?
No. Nothing like the Masons.
Perverts, the lot of them. Ah, yeah.
But cramming weird nymph-men
into fucking wicker yoga balls
But cramming weird nymph-men
into fucking wicker yoga balls
It's supposed to be an egg. It's not
an egg, is it? It's perfectly round.
Graham was in charge
of weaving that. Well, I'm not
a professional weaver, am I?
Graham was in charge
of weaving that. Well, I'm not
a professional weaver, am I?
I'm a patissier.
Eight months that took.
And not one of you said,
'Well done, Graham, great job'.
Well done, Graham.
Hang on.
Right, so am I in or not, then?
Hang on.
Right, so am I in or not, then?
No, Geoff. Unfortunately,
the circle has been broken,
which means that you must
be forsaken by the Brotherhood
and can never subsequently
be inducted.
and can never subsequently
be inducted.
Fucking bollocks, that is.
This is exactly what you wanted,
isn't it Graham? He's been trying
to stop me from joining
ever since I opened a sandwich shop
next to his cake shop.
ever since I opened a sandwich shop
next to his cake shop.
It's a patisserie,
thank you very much. I don't know
what you're talking about.
Yeah, you tell 'em, Geoff.
These lot have been
ripping the piss out of you.
Yeah, you tell 'em, Geoff.
These lot have been
ripping the piss out of you.
'Half-eaten yogurt,'
one of 'em called ya.
One of 'em said you looked like
an anorexic sperm
trying to fertilise
a fucking wicker egg.
Fuck this for a game of soldiers.
Ash, come on, get your shit together.
Fuck this for a game of soldiers.
Ash, come on, get your shit together.
Hey, bit of a disappointment in the
woods tonight, weren't it, eh, lads?
You caused all this, you.
What were you doing in the woods
with a camera anyway, you perv?
You caused all this, you.
What were you doing in the woods
with a camera anyway, you perv?
Masons wouldn't have ya. Amateurs.
Go bum a cow, Farmer Giles.
Hey, are we alright, lads?
Come on, give us a smile.
Hey, are we alright, lads?
Come on, give us a smile.
You're on telly. Here we go.
We'll get back to you in due course
if your application's successful.
Take that dick off your head and
fuck off. Fucking hell, calm down.
Take that dick off your head and
fuck off. Fucking hell, calm down.
Jim, leave Shirley's cult alone now.
Fuck off home.
Hey, I'm documenting these cults.
Knobhead.
Knobhead.
Give it a shove. Come on.
- How did you get on?
- Honestly
from start to finish,
it's just been such good fun.
from start to finish,
it's just been such good fun.
We never justnever get time
to chill out a bit.
We're always on the move
doing a fucking job, you know?
Geoff? What are you doing, Geoff?
Geoff? What are you doing, Geoff?
- Hey, get away from that egg.
- I told you.
I warned you, didn't I?
You bunch of shithouses.
Geoff, come on, son!
Geoff, come on, son!
Fuck you, Graham, fuck you and
your pretentious fucking patisserie.
You're a fucking baker
in a cake shop. That's all you are!
You're a fucking baker
in a cake shop. That's all you are!
Get back to your sandwiches,
you fucking moron!
Did you hear any of that shit?
Yeah.
It's been fucking awful. Like
It's been fucking awful. Like
the worst fucking night,
I swear to God Hey, hey!
I've had an epiphany, though.
I realise I've just gotta stop
I've gotta try and stop giving a shit
what people fucking think of me.
I've gotta try and stop giving a shit
what people fucking think of me.
I'm just
I am, I'm just a shouty
shouty nightmare.
Intense, frustrated twat of a man.
Intense, frustrated twat of a man.
But I'm lucky. You know, I've been
blessed with this group of mates.
I mean, I'm looking at 'em now.
Fuck me, they're useless.
I mean, I'm looking at 'em now.
Fuck me, they're useless.
Tommo ate berries and shat himself.
..happiest hole
in fucking England, there.
Oh, just beautiful.
Oh, just beautiful.
I wouldn't change it
for the world, you know?
Yeah, I hear what you're saying.
Yeah, I hear what you're saying.
What?! Have a what?
Have a fucking
Cancel your plans and dress
flamboyantly. Have I overdone it?
What kind of man has a maze?
Welcome.
It's my special exotic animal zoo.
This calls for a top-up. Oh.
It's my special exotic animal zoo.
This calls for a top-up. Oh.
We're stuck in the fucking maze.
Let's keep this strictly business.
Violated in an exotic zoo.
Man, woman or tiny plastic foetus
covered in fucking weird hair,
we're in it together.
covered in fucking weird hair,
we're in it together.
# ..so much trouble in my mind
# I got so much trouble in my mind
# I got so much trouble in my mind
# I got so much trouble in my mind
# I got an eight-hour job
# I got an eight-hour job
# And every day
My work, it gets so hard #
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