Mandy (2019) s04e03 Episode Script
Wormhole
1
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came and
you gave without taking
But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and
stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy ♪
-You wanted to see me?
-Take a seat, Mandy.
Mandy, how long have you been
working at the call centre now?
Oh, quite a while now.
About three hours?
Three-and-a half maybe,
if you don't count lunch?
Look, is this about me getting
into a fight with my supervisor?
Because he started it.
Said I wasn't allowed to
smoke if I'm on the phone.
But I can't think of anything
to say if I'm not smoking.
It's nothing to do with that.
Mandy, do you know what
message always plays
just before a call is answered?
Er, "Your call is
important to us",
"but we're experiencing
unexpectedly high call volumes,
"so please visit
the website instead,
"because we don't want
to hire any more staff"?
No, after that.
"Calls may be recorded
for training purposes."
Oh, yeah, but, I mean, you
don't actually do that.
I mean, who'd want to listen
back to all those calls?
I do.
You record it on
cassettes still?
It's much better audio
quality than digital.
And once I've listened,
I can use it to make
a mix tape for a friend.
This is you at 10.15am today.
ON TAPE: - But it's been six weeks
now, can't I just get a refund?
You can take your
fucking refund,
shove it up your
shit pipe, mate.
He was chancing
his arm! Scammer.
I was saving the company money.
This is you at 10.55am.
No. No, you can't talk to my
manager, you fucking bell end.
11.10am.
You shit-for-brains wanker.
Knob off, you dick.
Refund? Get fucked!
Oh, I'm not listening
to this, you knobhead.
You're a fucking moron, mate.
Go on, off you piss.
TAPE RECORDER CLICKS OFF
What have you got to
say for yourself Mandy?
Well, firstly, can I say
that I'm very touched
and extremely honoured that
you've chosen tapes of me
to use for training others.
It's probably the first time
in my life I've been used as
some sort of
educational role model.
Also, do I get some sort of bonus
for providing these training tapes?
These are going to be used
for training purposes, Mandy.
For training people
what NOT to say.
-Eh?!
-Mandy, you're fired.
Effective immediately.
I'm going to need your
badge and your gun.
Sorry, I-I mean, I'm going to
need your headset and your key fob
to the gender-neutral toilets.
Aren't you meant to give me
two weeks' notice or something?
Oh, no, Mandy. No, you've brought
the call centre into disrepute,
so I can fire you immediately
without notice, or payment,
or HR sticking their
nervous little beaks in.
I'd ring up and complain, but
I know I'd never get through!
Goodbye, Mandy.
Not paying me?
All right. I'm
takin' this, then.
COMPUTER CHIMES
Windows 95.
That's exciting.
Come on. Why's it
not doing anything?
SHOP BELL JANGLES
Mandy! What are you doing here?
-Shouldn't you be at the call centre?
-Got let go.
They have to make hard
choices in the ever-worsening
global economic situation.
They always start with the
little people, don't they?
Did they give you
any sort of pay-out?
No. I got a computer out of it.
But it just sits there,
not doing anything.
I mean, I can do that myself.
Have you connected
it to the internet?
-The what?
-The internet.
The information super motorway?
The W-W-W-W-W-dot?
The wide, wide world web?
With it, you can do all sorts
of things with a computer.
You can watch old TV
clips, rate plumbers,
say if people are hot or not.
Ha! The world is
your Oyster card.
How do I do that?
You need to get band-broad.
The faster, the better.
Sounds complicated.
Other people seem to manage it.
You just call the
band-broad people.
All right. I'll
see what I can do.
-I'm off now, Lola. See you later.
-Thank you, my dear.
BABY FUSSES
-God bless you.
-Thank you.
-Eh-heh. -Who were that?
-Suzy.
I've rented the flat
upstairs to her on Airbnb.
That's another thing you
can do on the internet.
Poor girl and her new baby.
Nowhere else would take her.
So, now I can charge her
a fortune for her rent.
Can you believe it, Mandy?
I have reinvented myself
into a mum landlord!
Don't you need certificates
to rent a place out?
Get all your electrics checked
by the council, or summat?
No, you don't need to bother
with anything like that.
Not on the internet.
There are no rules on the net.
I've just kitted out the
place out with a few things
that I bought from eBay.
Very cheap.
I'm sure they're all
in very good condition.
SHE CHUCKLES
ELECTRICAL SPARKING
HOLD MUZAK PLAYS OVER PHONE
Hello? How can I help?
Erm, hello.
-Er, I'd like to sign up for your band-broad, please.
-OK.
Let me just see if there are any
packages available in your area.
If you could give me your
postcode, and then
Hang, on is that you
from the call centre?
Is Is that Mandy Carter?
-Oh! I'm not dealing with that prick.
-Not dealing with that fucking idiot.
SHE SIGHS
See what I can do.
The Smiths?
That's them from next door.
Let's put my old password in.
"Password."
All right, let's
try "password"
but the O is a zero.
Oh, fuck me! They are crafty.
What they trying to hide?
DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE
Excuse me? Mr Smith?
What's the name of your dog?
-Bobby!
-Thank you.
B-O-B-B-Y.
Oh, fuck me! They are devious.
What about "Bobby"
but, again, the O is a zero?
Yes! We're in!
Now, to take a drive down
the information hyper-subway.
Bonanza.
BONANZA THEME PLAYS
Yes
He's generating speed
with his back legs,
and his balance is good!
You're not getting
any younger, are you?
Kim and Khloe take India.
Was I meant to be a
princess, or what?!
Pavements remain very dangerous.
It's a glimpse into the
centre of the Earth.
Realising it's not
worth the risk
But behind the public
facade of Royal duty
was a hidden secret life
of marital betrayal.
What do all these
people have in common?
Well, all of them hide
a dark and cold secret
just beneath their
artificial skin.
Four teenagers and
a 12-year-old
I don't know what I'm seeing
here, but it's just insane.
Covid-19 strain
- Get the - BLEEP - outta here!
- I will go!
She's a human!
Is it any wonder people
are afraid of technology?
VOICES OVERLAP
Only Kim K can make construction
materials look cool
VOICES STOP
SHE SOBS
SHOP BELL JANGLES
Mandy! Are you OK?
You look very pale.
Went down a wormhole
last night, Lola.
You're thin, Mandy, but I
didn't think you could fit
-down a worm's hole.
-An internet wormhole!
I spent all night
on social media,
comparing myself
to Kim Kardashians.
Now I feel worthless
about my body image.
I blame the internet.
I now have very low self-esteem.
I didn't even know what
self-esteem was until yesterday -
I had to Google it.
You can't go comparing yourself
to Kim Kardashian, Mandy.
It doesn't make sense.
You'll never be as good as her.
No. No, I'll never
be as good as her,
with her dream life all built
on hard work and talent.
But I can try and
look more like her.
I'm going to get
plastic surgery, Lole.
It's the only thing that
might make me feel any better.
I'm going to get bum implants.
Implants?! Ah!
They can be very
expensive, Mandy.
Especially if you get
both bum cheeks done.
Well, I won't walk around with one
fat cheek and one thin one, am I?
What'll that do for
me low self-esteem?
A good implant can cost £20,000.
Even I would charge 10,000.
And that is mate's rates.
And cutting corners.
There must be a cheaper way.
Er, 'scuse me?
-I-Is this 117 B-Back
-Yes, that's it.
So, do you want shish or doner?
Or we have very nice
chicken? Very nice.
Oh, no, I'm not here to eat.
I thought this was a
plastic surgery clinic?
I'm here for bum implants.
-Yes! You must be Mandy.
-Yeah.
Ah, yes, we have
been expecting you.
-Let me give these a quick clean before the procedure, OK?
-Yeah.
Come through. Come,
Mandy, come, come, come.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT HE COUGHS
COUGH ECHOES
Oh! Hold on.
-Help? -No.
-OK.
This way.
So how big you want bum?
The bigger, the better, really.
Erm, at least as big as Kim
Kardashian's, if not bigger.
-You like Kim Kardash?
-Yeah.
You know she has all
her work done here?
-Really? Kim came here?
-Yes!
We have her photo
here, look. Look, look.
-What else did she have done?
-Everything.
She had everything done.
Her tits, bum, er,
teeth, lips, everything.
Maybe I'll get me
lips done, as well.
We do the bum first, then
I'll throw in the lips. OK?
-Done.
-Any garlic sauce with that?
-What?
-Ah, sorry.
-Habit. -Oh.
-OK.
Sit down. OK?
Lie back.
Relax.
You are in the hands
of a professional.
-The other
-Oh, yeah.
This is the bum.
MUSIC: Milkshake by Kelis
My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard
And they're like,
it's better than yours
Damn right, it's
better than yours
I could teach you
but I'd have to charge
My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard
And they're like,
it's better than yours
Damn right, it's
better than yours
I could teach you
but I'd have to charge
I know you want it
The thing that makes me
What the guys
go crazy for ♪
SHOP BELL JANGLES
Mandy! You are back!
How was Istanbul?
It is filled with
history there, isn't it?
-So romantic.
-Romantic?
It were mainly men spitting.
But the good news is,
I got me arse done.
What do you think?
Take that, Kim Kardashian!
Got me lips done, too.
Two-for-one - get one lip
done, get the other lip free.
Er It looks a
little bit sore.
Said they'd settle down
after a couple of months.
Well, let me take a closer
look at this famous bum.
Whoa! It is big.
Very big!
Is it getting bigger?
No! This is as big as
they said it could be,
otherwise it'd rupture and I'd
never be able to sit down again.
Imagine having to spend
your whole life standing up.
It'd be like being a
Beefeater, or summat.
No, it's definitely
getting bigger.
The bigger, the
better, eh, Lole?
Er, I don't think
that is true, Mandy.
Look, go and lay down.
I want to inspect
your bum implants.
Ah. Mandy?
What did they use in the
implant? Silicone or saline?
Oh, nothing like that.
-What, then?
-Fat.
-What?!
-Lamb fat, from the kebab meat.
They keep a load of it
in old ice-cream tubs.
That is not very
hygienic, Mandy!
It's like something out of Gordon
Ramsay's Nightmare Kitchens.
I said no at first, cos I'm
trying to be vegetarian,
but they said it wasn't
like I was eating the stuff,
and that it was natural -
unlike these man-made implants.
Mandy, there is definitely
something wrong with your bum.
I think there's an infection.
But what I can do for you,
Mandy, for a small fee,
because we are best friends,
is to drain the abscess with
a hot needle and take
away the infection.
Get the pus out.
-Would you like me to do that for you, Mandy?
-Yes, please, Lola!
OK.
Let me just go and get one of the
needles I use for the ear-piercing.
This might hurt a little bit.
MUFFLED SCREAM
Ah. I haven't done it yet!
That wasn't me!
- MUFFLED: - Help!
It's coming from outside!
Fire!
Help! Fire!
-What happened?!
-The lamp caught on fire!
The smoke-detector
didn't go off!
-Smoke-detector?
-What smoke-detector? -Please!
Save my baby, please!
BABY WAILS
I'm not a very good catch!
They used to call me
Butterfingers at school!
-Which is a form of micro aggression.
-Please!
Don't worry! I know
exactly what to do.
Suzy!
Throw your baby onto my arse!
It will have a very
gentle landing.
It's stuffed with
rancid lamb fat.
Do it, Suzy!
It might be your only hope!
Don't worry, I won't charge
you for the damage in the flat.
Do it!
Wait!
If we're going to do it, at
least let us get it on camera.
We can monetize this
any way it goes.
-Come on, Suzy!
-Do it, Suzy!
Do it, Suzy!
-Do it!
-Ah!
Ah! Got you!
Well done, Mandy!
Although it's disgusting,
your bum has saved a
little girl's life.
And that's done wonders
for my self-esteem!
And look! The video
has already gone viral!
I've broken the internet!
I'm bigger than Kim!
-Me next!
-No!
Agh!
Look at that booty
Show me the booty
Gimme the booty,
I want the booty
Back up the booty
I need the booty
I like the booty
Oh, what a booty
Shakin' that booty
I saw the booty
I want the booty
Lord, what a booty
Bring on the booty
Give up the booty
Lovin' the booty, round booty
Down for the booty
I want the booty
Huntin' the booty
Chasin' the booty
Casin' the booty
Gettin' the booty
Beautiful booty, smokin' booty
Talk to the booty, more booty
Fine booty ♪
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came and
you gave without taking
But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and
stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy ♪
-You wanted to see me?
-Take a seat, Mandy.
Mandy, how long have you been
working at the call centre now?
Oh, quite a while now.
About three hours?
Three-and-a half maybe,
if you don't count lunch?
Look, is this about me getting
into a fight with my supervisor?
Because he started it.
Said I wasn't allowed to
smoke if I'm on the phone.
But I can't think of anything
to say if I'm not smoking.
It's nothing to do with that.
Mandy, do you know what
message always plays
just before a call is answered?
Er, "Your call is
important to us",
"but we're experiencing
unexpectedly high call volumes,
"so please visit
the website instead,
"because we don't want
to hire any more staff"?
No, after that.
"Calls may be recorded
for training purposes."
Oh, yeah, but, I mean, you
don't actually do that.
I mean, who'd want to listen
back to all those calls?
I do.
You record it on
cassettes still?
It's much better audio
quality than digital.
And once I've listened,
I can use it to make
a mix tape for a friend.
This is you at 10.15am today.
ON TAPE: - But it's been six weeks
now, can't I just get a refund?
You can take your
fucking refund,
shove it up your
shit pipe, mate.
He was chancing
his arm! Scammer.
I was saving the company money.
This is you at 10.55am.
No. No, you can't talk to my
manager, you fucking bell end.
11.10am.
You shit-for-brains wanker.
Knob off, you dick.
Refund? Get fucked!
Oh, I'm not listening
to this, you knobhead.
You're a fucking moron, mate.
Go on, off you piss.
TAPE RECORDER CLICKS OFF
What have you got to
say for yourself Mandy?
Well, firstly, can I say
that I'm very touched
and extremely honoured that
you've chosen tapes of me
to use for training others.
It's probably the first time
in my life I've been used as
some sort of
educational role model.
Also, do I get some sort of bonus
for providing these training tapes?
These are going to be used
for training purposes, Mandy.
For training people
what NOT to say.
-Eh?!
-Mandy, you're fired.
Effective immediately.
I'm going to need your
badge and your gun.
Sorry, I-I mean, I'm going to
need your headset and your key fob
to the gender-neutral toilets.
Aren't you meant to give me
two weeks' notice or something?
Oh, no, Mandy. No, you've brought
the call centre into disrepute,
so I can fire you immediately
without notice, or payment,
or HR sticking their
nervous little beaks in.
I'd ring up and complain, but
I know I'd never get through!
Goodbye, Mandy.
Not paying me?
All right. I'm
takin' this, then.
COMPUTER CHIMES
Windows 95.
That's exciting.
Come on. Why's it
not doing anything?
SHOP BELL JANGLES
Mandy! What are you doing here?
-Shouldn't you be at the call centre?
-Got let go.
They have to make hard
choices in the ever-worsening
global economic situation.
They always start with the
little people, don't they?
Did they give you
any sort of pay-out?
No. I got a computer out of it.
But it just sits there,
not doing anything.
I mean, I can do that myself.
Have you connected
it to the internet?
-The what?
-The internet.
The information super motorway?
The W-W-W-W-W-dot?
The wide, wide world web?
With it, you can do all sorts
of things with a computer.
You can watch old TV
clips, rate plumbers,
say if people are hot or not.
Ha! The world is
your Oyster card.
How do I do that?
You need to get band-broad.
The faster, the better.
Sounds complicated.
Other people seem to manage it.
You just call the
band-broad people.
All right. I'll
see what I can do.
-I'm off now, Lola. See you later.
-Thank you, my dear.
BABY FUSSES
-God bless you.
-Thank you.
-Eh-heh. -Who were that?
-Suzy.
I've rented the flat
upstairs to her on Airbnb.
That's another thing you
can do on the internet.
Poor girl and her new baby.
Nowhere else would take her.
So, now I can charge her
a fortune for her rent.
Can you believe it, Mandy?
I have reinvented myself
into a mum landlord!
Don't you need certificates
to rent a place out?
Get all your electrics checked
by the council, or summat?
No, you don't need to bother
with anything like that.
Not on the internet.
There are no rules on the net.
I've just kitted out the
place out with a few things
that I bought from eBay.
Very cheap.
I'm sure they're all
in very good condition.
SHE CHUCKLES
ELECTRICAL SPARKING
HOLD MUZAK PLAYS OVER PHONE
Hello? How can I help?
Erm, hello.
-Er, I'd like to sign up for your band-broad, please.
-OK.
Let me just see if there are any
packages available in your area.
If you could give me your
postcode, and then
Hang, on is that you
from the call centre?
Is Is that Mandy Carter?
-Oh! I'm not dealing with that prick.
-Not dealing with that fucking idiot.
SHE SIGHS
See what I can do.
The Smiths?
That's them from next door.
Let's put my old password in.
"Password."
All right, let's
try "password"
but the O is a zero.
Oh, fuck me! They are crafty.
What they trying to hide?
DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE
Excuse me? Mr Smith?
What's the name of your dog?
-Bobby!
-Thank you.
B-O-B-B-Y.
Oh, fuck me! They are devious.
What about "Bobby"
but, again, the O is a zero?
Yes! We're in!
Now, to take a drive down
the information hyper-subway.
Bonanza.
BONANZA THEME PLAYS
Yes
He's generating speed
with his back legs,
and his balance is good!
You're not getting
any younger, are you?
Kim and Khloe take India.
Was I meant to be a
princess, or what?!
Pavements remain very dangerous.
It's a glimpse into the
centre of the Earth.
Realising it's not
worth the risk
But behind the public
facade of Royal duty
was a hidden secret life
of marital betrayal.
What do all these
people have in common?
Well, all of them hide
a dark and cold secret
just beneath their
artificial skin.
Four teenagers and
a 12-year-old
I don't know what I'm seeing
here, but it's just insane.
Covid-19 strain
- Get the - BLEEP - outta here!
- I will go!
She's a human!
Is it any wonder people
are afraid of technology?
VOICES OVERLAP
Only Kim K can make construction
materials look cool
VOICES STOP
SHE SOBS
SHOP BELL JANGLES
Mandy! Are you OK?
You look very pale.
Went down a wormhole
last night, Lola.
You're thin, Mandy, but I
didn't think you could fit
-down a worm's hole.
-An internet wormhole!
I spent all night
on social media,
comparing myself
to Kim Kardashians.
Now I feel worthless
about my body image.
I blame the internet.
I now have very low self-esteem.
I didn't even know what
self-esteem was until yesterday -
I had to Google it.
You can't go comparing yourself
to Kim Kardashian, Mandy.
It doesn't make sense.
You'll never be as good as her.
No. No, I'll never
be as good as her,
with her dream life all built
on hard work and talent.
But I can try and
look more like her.
I'm going to get
plastic surgery, Lole.
It's the only thing that
might make me feel any better.
I'm going to get bum implants.
Implants?! Ah!
They can be very
expensive, Mandy.
Especially if you get
both bum cheeks done.
Well, I won't walk around with one
fat cheek and one thin one, am I?
What'll that do for
me low self-esteem?
A good implant can cost £20,000.
Even I would charge 10,000.
And that is mate's rates.
And cutting corners.
There must be a cheaper way.
Er, 'scuse me?
-I-Is this 117 B-Back
-Yes, that's it.
So, do you want shish or doner?
Or we have very nice
chicken? Very nice.
Oh, no, I'm not here to eat.
I thought this was a
plastic surgery clinic?
I'm here for bum implants.
-Yes! You must be Mandy.
-Yeah.
Ah, yes, we have
been expecting you.
-Let me give these a quick clean before the procedure, OK?
-Yeah.
Come through. Come,
Mandy, come, come, come.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT HE COUGHS
COUGH ECHOES
Oh! Hold on.
-Help? -No.
-OK.
This way.
So how big you want bum?
The bigger, the better, really.
Erm, at least as big as Kim
Kardashian's, if not bigger.
-You like Kim Kardash?
-Yeah.
You know she has all
her work done here?
-Really? Kim came here?
-Yes!
We have her photo
here, look. Look, look.
-What else did she have done?
-Everything.
She had everything done.
Her tits, bum, er,
teeth, lips, everything.
Maybe I'll get me
lips done, as well.
We do the bum first, then
I'll throw in the lips. OK?
-Done.
-Any garlic sauce with that?
-What?
-Ah, sorry.
-Habit. -Oh.
-OK.
Sit down. OK?
Lie back.
Relax.
You are in the hands
of a professional.
-The other
-Oh, yeah.
This is the bum.
MUSIC: Milkshake by Kelis
My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard
And they're like,
it's better than yours
Damn right, it's
better than yours
I could teach you
but I'd have to charge
My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard
And they're like,
it's better than yours
Damn right, it's
better than yours
I could teach you
but I'd have to charge
I know you want it
The thing that makes me
What the guys
go crazy for ♪
SHOP BELL JANGLES
Mandy! You are back!
How was Istanbul?
It is filled with
history there, isn't it?
-So romantic.
-Romantic?
It were mainly men spitting.
But the good news is,
I got me arse done.
What do you think?
Take that, Kim Kardashian!
Got me lips done, too.
Two-for-one - get one lip
done, get the other lip free.
Er It looks a
little bit sore.
Said they'd settle down
after a couple of months.
Well, let me take a closer
look at this famous bum.
Whoa! It is big.
Very big!
Is it getting bigger?
No! This is as big as
they said it could be,
otherwise it'd rupture and I'd
never be able to sit down again.
Imagine having to spend
your whole life standing up.
It'd be like being a
Beefeater, or summat.
No, it's definitely
getting bigger.
The bigger, the
better, eh, Lole?
Er, I don't think
that is true, Mandy.
Look, go and lay down.
I want to inspect
your bum implants.
Ah. Mandy?
What did they use in the
implant? Silicone or saline?
Oh, nothing like that.
-What, then?
-Fat.
-What?!
-Lamb fat, from the kebab meat.
They keep a load of it
in old ice-cream tubs.
That is not very
hygienic, Mandy!
It's like something out of Gordon
Ramsay's Nightmare Kitchens.
I said no at first, cos I'm
trying to be vegetarian,
but they said it wasn't
like I was eating the stuff,
and that it was natural -
unlike these man-made implants.
Mandy, there is definitely
something wrong with your bum.
I think there's an infection.
But what I can do for you,
Mandy, for a small fee,
because we are best friends,
is to drain the abscess with
a hot needle and take
away the infection.
Get the pus out.
-Would you like me to do that for you, Mandy?
-Yes, please, Lola!
OK.
Let me just go and get one of the
needles I use for the ear-piercing.
This might hurt a little bit.
MUFFLED SCREAM
Ah. I haven't done it yet!
That wasn't me!
- MUFFLED: - Help!
It's coming from outside!
Fire!
Help! Fire!
-What happened?!
-The lamp caught on fire!
The smoke-detector
didn't go off!
-Smoke-detector?
-What smoke-detector? -Please!
Save my baby, please!
BABY WAILS
I'm not a very good catch!
They used to call me
Butterfingers at school!
-Which is a form of micro aggression.
-Please!
Don't worry! I know
exactly what to do.
Suzy!
Throw your baby onto my arse!
It will have a very
gentle landing.
It's stuffed with
rancid lamb fat.
Do it, Suzy!
It might be your only hope!
Don't worry, I won't charge
you for the damage in the flat.
Do it!
Wait!
If we're going to do it, at
least let us get it on camera.
We can monetize this
any way it goes.
-Come on, Suzy!
-Do it, Suzy!
Do it, Suzy!
-Do it!
-Ah!
Ah! Got you!
Well done, Mandy!
Although it's disgusting,
your bum has saved a
little girl's life.
And that's done wonders
for my self-esteem!
And look! The video
has already gone viral!
I've broken the internet!
I'm bigger than Kim!
-Me next!
-No!
Agh!
Look at that booty
Show me the booty
Gimme the booty,
I want the booty
Back up the booty
I need the booty
I like the booty
Oh, what a booty
Shakin' that booty
I saw the booty
I want the booty
Lord, what a booty
Bring on the booty
Give up the booty
Lovin' the booty, round booty
Down for the booty
I want the booty
Huntin' the booty
Chasin' the booty
Casin' the booty
Gettin' the booty
Beautiful booty, smokin' booty
Talk to the booty, more booty
Fine booty ♪