Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) s04e03 Episode Script

1
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
She's Mrs Brown
Agnes
That's Mrs Brown
Agnus
Our Mrs Brown ♪
Oh, hello.
Thanks for dropping in again.
Well, it's been some week.
All done, Mrs Brown.
Oh. So what's the news, Doctor?
To be honest,
Grandad is in tip-top shape.
I haven't seen him this well
in a long time.
So you've no good buckin' news?
Oh!
I saw this, and I thought to myself,
"I know someone who'd like this."
Thank you, Dr Flynn.
Just leave it over there
with the others.
Oh
Mrs Brown, the clinic could do
with a lick of paint
Goodbye, Doctor.
Goodbye, Mrs Brown.
It's been a very weird week
Hello, Mrs Brown.
Hello, Father Damien.
Hello, son. Hiya, Mammy.
I brought Damien round as you said
you'd something for him.
Yes. Father Damien, you were
saying that there's the leak
in the church roof.
That's right, Mrs Brown.
And I was hoping you might give me
something for it. Of course I will.
Here you go.
Now, put it directly under the leak
and make sure it doesn't overflow.
But I thought you might give
us a donation Come on, Damien.
See you, Mammy. See you, love.
Well, as I said,
it's been a weird week.
You know, money does
strange things to people.
Not to me.
No, I've all the money I need
for the rest of me life
if I die on Friday.
No, they say that money
makes the world go round.
I think it does more than that.
I think it makes it spin -
and spin so fast that
people get money-dizzy.
The events of the last week,
they've proved that to me.
Make yourself comfortable
and I'll explain.
It started last week.
It was the first night of
Foley's Foreign Food Festival.
I'm not a fan of foreign food.
I prefer Irish food, like spaghetti
bollock-naked or pizza.
It didn't stop Birdie.
Oh
Oh, sweet Jesus, Winnie.
It's very spicy, Agnes.
I can barely feel me tongue!
Don't say anything to Sharon.
You'll only hurt her feelings.
Feelings? Plural? She has two?
You have barely touched
your food, Mrs Brown.
No, Chef Aly.
It's very filling.
You think? It's too spicy, isn't it?
Oh, no!
Chef Aly, if anything,
it's not spicy enough.
More spice! More spice!
All right, Birdie?
Oh, it's lovely, Sharon.
Thanks very much.
What about you, Mammy?
It's It's really tasty, Sharon.
What are you serving tomorrow night?
Wednesday's wurst.
Worse that this shi er, stuff?
You can count me out.
Wurst. It's a German sausage.
Oh, that'd be right
up your street, Birdie.
You love a good sausage!
The bigger, the better.
You're hilarious, Mrs Brown. Yeah!
Dessert will be served shortly.
Why doesn't she just
serve normal food?
Come on, let's go home.
We can get Chinese on the way home.
We're not leaving, Agnes!
Did yous do the Lotto?
15 million tomorrow night.
What's she saying?
I haven't a buckin' clue.
Who's talking to Cathy at the bar?
She looks familiar.
Not to me.
Who likes tequila?
Who likes tequila?
Well, if it isn't Speedy Gonzales
and his brother Hugo Chavez!
How are yous?
Are yous enjoying the food?
Well, apart from
the third-degree burns, yes.
Nothing to do with us, Ma.
We're just promoting it.
Yeah. I'm waiting the tables
and taking bookings
and cleaning the freakin' glasses.
All right, Buster.
I get it. But we need the work.
Yeah. Well, I'm just
telling you, Dermo,
as soon as our numbers hit, I'm out.
Numbers? What numbers?
Our Lotto syndicate for tonight's
big jackpot draw. Oh
15 million euro jackpot.
I'll have a piece of that action.
Put me name down, Dermo.
And me, please.
If you're not in,
you can't win.
on this buckin' episode.
Sorry.
It's not my fault, Agnes.
It's the food.
It's very 'picy.
Then stop buckin' eating it!
It's all-you-can-eat!
That's an advert,
not a buckin' challenge!
Are you buying into the syndicate,
Ma? Ha-ha! With you two? No!
That hurt, Mrs Brown.
Mucho oucho.
You're all right, lads.
I will buy my own lottery ticket.
Thank you very much.
Fair enough, Ma.
But don't come crying to us
when we're on the front page
of the paper
collecting our millions.
Why would you do that -
be on the front page of the
newspaper announcing to the world
that you've come into money?
Oh, God. 15 million euro.
Ohh!
What would yous do if you won?
Buy a Lan Langerbeanie.
A Langerbeanie sports car?! Hmm.
We'd have a great laugh watching
you trying to fucking get into that!
And you better buy a tin-opener
so we can get you out!
What about you, Agnes?
I'd buy an acre of willies
and walk around in me bare feet.
Seriously, Agnes.
Seriously?
Oh Do you know what?
I'd buy nothing.
And I'd go nowhere.
And, most importantly,
I would tell no-one.
Except me.
I mean, you'd tell me
if you won, wouldn't you?
Of course, Winnie,
if that makes you feel better.
Dessert is served.
Help yourselves.
What is it? Ice cream.
Oh, Winnie, get me some.
What kind of shenanigans is this?
Foley's Festival of Foreign Food.
Foley's Festival of Salmonella!
And lottery fever's in the air.
People are losing their mind
over it.
Birdie is spending it before
she even bought a ticket.
Mind you, with the price of gas
and electricity at the moment,
15 million won't go far.
Oh, thanks, Winnie.
This looks OK, doesn't it?
What flavour do you think it is?
I don't care.
As long as it's cold. Yeah.
Oh, it's fucking spicy.
Good God. You think
that was hot going down
It was like a blowtorch in there.
Mammy!
Are you up? I'm here. Aw, Mammy.
Cathy?
I've got a surprise for you.
A surprise?
You know I don't like surprises
Close your eyes! What?!
Trust me, Mammy.
You'll like this one.
Go on, close your eyes. OK. OK.
Look who it is!
Who are you?
For God's sake, Mammy, it's Anita!
Anita? Oh, my God.
Why didn't you say so?
Anita!
Yeah
My God. Well, well, well.
Anita!
You haven't a clue
who it is, do you?
Not a fucking clue. No.
Don't worry about it, Mrs Brown.
It's been a long time.
Oh, you're American.
Oh, I'm Irish.
I just sound American because my
family emigrated in the '80s.
That's a clue!
It's not a great clue.
Half the country emigrated
in the '80s.
Anita's back to give a lecture
at Trinity College.
Oh. She's a genealogist.
Well, there's your stroke of luck.
I have a rash and it just comes
right round the back.
Mammy!
That's a gynaecologist.
Yeah, I knew that. I knew that.
You haven't changed one bit,
Mrs Brown.
You're still hilarious.
You're still
buckin' drunk.
Come on, Mammy.
You must remember the Luttrell
family? Our old neighbours?
Yes, Jimmy and Margaret.
Oh, God.
You know, your father
and mother were alcoholics,
but they threw the best parties.
Did they? Yes!
Cathy was conceived at one.
Come on.
Anita, come on, we're leaving.
No, no, no way.
No. Sorry, babe.
I'm going nowhere
until I've heard this story.
It was fancy dress.
I think the theme was odd couples.
I was
Am I boring you?
I went as Slutty Bo Peep,
and your father
went as Frankenstein.
Oh, you should have seen him.
Cathy, he couldn't
see through that mask.
I ambushed him in the bathroom.
I gave a good seeing-to.
And then, nine months later,
you were born.
Sober.
That's mortifying, Mammy.
Wait a minute.
I think I've seen
a home video of that party.
Oh, no, you wouldn't. There was
no cameras around in the '50s.
'70s!
No, no, I did see it, Mrs Brown.
Dad had a I think
it was called a Super 8
and one year, for his birthday,
we got all his footage digitised,
and I remember seeing
the crazy costumes.
That's a great present,
Mammy, isn't it?
Cathy, I want an air-fryer.
Anything other than that
will be a disappointment.
Oh, let me see.
Mom is the bionic woman
and Dad
Actually, now I remember my dad,
he was also dressed as Frankenstein.
You're kidding me!
I remember the green mask
and those things in his neck.
What are they called? Bolts!
Yeah.
Bolts!
Two Frankensteins.
What are the chances?
Yeah, what a coincidence.
What a coincidence.
So, Cathy, when do you
want to do the test?
Tomorrow. Test? What test?
Anita helps people
trace their ancestry.
Oh. So she's going
to do a DNA test on me.
Why?
So I can find out where I came from.
You came from Finglas
and my froufrou.
But the DNA test will tell me
Oh, that'll be my Uber.
Come on, I'll walk you out. OK.
Oh Goodnight, Mrs Brown.
Yeah, goodnight, Anita.
I know what you're thinking.
I even thought it myself
for a couple of seconds,
but I remember that party
like it was yesterday,
and I remember the costumes.
Yeah. Redser didn't have bolts.
Ha-ha!
No. When I got him in the bathroom,
I remember
I was up against the sink.
My arse was in the sink.
He was there going,
"Ey, ey, ey, ey!"
"Ooh, ooh, ooh."
I was, "Oh! Oh, Bo Peep!
Oh, Bo Peep!"
"Oh, I'm Bo Peep, be a sheep."
He's going, "Baa! Baa! Baa!"
So I tried to hold onto him,
you know, and I couldn't get a grip
round his neck,
so I just held onto the bo
Oh, shite.
So the next day, I got out
all my old photo albums.
I know there's photographs
in here somewhere.
Where are you, Agnes?
I'm in here, Winnie.
Our syndicate didn't win the Lotto.
I hardly expected it.
But we were close, Agnes.
How many numbers did you have?
I don't know.
Well, then, how do you know
you came close?
Because it was won here, Agnes.
Somebody in Finglas hit the jackpot,
and you can't get
closer than that. Hmm.
Is there something wrong, love?
Winnie, I'm going
to tell you something.
And it's big. Ohh.
I mean, ma-has-sive.
What? But you have to promise me
you won't tell anyone.
Cross me heart, Agnes.
That was your nipple, but!
Remember the other night
in Foley's?
Yeah. We were talking,
and you asked me
Oh, my God!
Winnie, I haven't
buckin' told you yet.
But I remember
what we were talking about.
You won the Lotto!
Yeah, Winnie, I won the Lotto.
Will you sit down and listen?
I can't believe it, Agnes!
Are you OK, Grandad?
Uh-huh. Fine
Winnie, go in the kitchen.
Can I help you?
I'm I'm OK.
You're them!
You're the local
that hit the jackpot!
Winnie, there's 90,000 people
living in Finglas.
It could have been anybody
between Ballymun Avenue
and the Tolka Valley.
But it was you!
Winnie! Winnie
Calm down.
I did not win the lottery.
OK.
It wasn't me.
I know.
You did that wink thing again.
Did I? Yes!
Winnie, who won the lottery?
Well, not you anyway.
Good girl.
Will you stop it?
How are yous? Hello, Mark.
Well, did you hear?
Someone in Finglas won the Lotto.
Yeah, we heard.
Any idea who it was?
Calm down, Mark.
There are 9 million people
in Finglas.
It could have been anyone
from Ballymun Valley
to Tolka Avenue River.
Not just your mammy.
For fuck's sake.
Are you OK, Ma?
You look a bit stressed.
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
We'll see you down Foley's
later on, Mrs Brown.
Come on, Mark.
Let's go and see who won it.
See you down there, Betty.
I'm sure I have photographs
from that night.
Hiya, Mammy.
Hello, love. Hi. Hello, Anita.
Will we do it now, Anita?
Now's as good a time as any.
And do what? My DNA test.
Cathy, I've been thinking about
that. I'm not sure it's a good idea.
You know, there's people end up
in prison because of their DNA.
Those people committed crimes,
Mammy, or murdered someone.
I think I'm safe.
What about that phase you went
through when you were sleepwalking?
If you're anything like your mother,
God knows what you got up to
that night.
Seriously, if you're unsure
about this, Cathy No, I'm not.
Don't mind me mother, Anita.
It's my DNA, and I'm doing it.
OK, I'm going in.
And we're done. That was easy.
All I need to do now is run the test
and put it into the computer,
and we'll know exactly where
you came from.
I'm excited.
It's exciting, Mammy, isn't it?
Yeah. It's just so
fucking exciting. Yeah.
I think a little bit of wee
came out.
You'd think the DNA
was worrisome enough.
I don't know where it started,
but by the time I got to Foley's,
I was apparently a millionaire.
I've just heard the news
about your mother.
Who told you, Mrs Nicholson?
It's all over the town, darling.
I can't believe it.
She's richer than me.
Well, we're still trying to
figure out if it's even true.
Hang on, Father.
Who's your source, Father Damien?
I can't say.
Don't give us that crap, Father.
We need a name.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Eyes up here, Father!
Now - name.
What happens in the confessional
stays in the confessional.
Unless it's about my mother
winning the Lotto.
Well, I have to tell you that.
I mean, come on, lads.
15 million is 15 million.
I'm sure if it was true,
she'd be in shock.
I don't want her getting stressed,
do yous hear me?
She wouldn't be able for it.
You're right, love.
We should all agree to say
nothing
until she decides
to tell us herself.
And then I'll go down
and help her cash the cheque.
Dermo! Buster! Customers.
SCHNELL! SCHNELL!
Winnie, get the drinks in.
Hiya, Ma. Hello, son.
You deserve it, Ma. Every bit of it.
I'm not having a main course.
I might just have dessert.
Oh, well, why don't you try the
millionaire's cheesecake, Mrs Brown?
It'd be too rich for me, Buster.
I doubt that, Mrs Brown.
Winnie, do you notice everybody
being strange?
No, I don't know.
Where's the cider?
Them days are gone, Agnes.
Winnie, how many times have I got
to tell you -
I did not win the fucking lottery.
Hiya, Mammy.
Hello, boys. How are you getting
on in the new parish, love?
Good. Still getting settled.
It's different being over on the
south side. Yeah, I believe you.
You know, Damien was just saying
he's having a problem in the church.
Yes, Mrs Brown.
The church roof is leaking.
I might have to do a fundraiser.
Oh, well, if you were doing one,
let me know.
I'd like to make a donation.
Thanks, Mammy.
My pleasure, love.
Hello, darlings.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Hello.
What are we celebrating?
Well, Sharon asked
us to test this
for French Friday.
Oh
I'll fucking kill you.
I'll fucking kill you.
For a moment there,
I thought you'd won the jackpot.
You're a gas, Hillary!
Aren't I? Yeah, hilarious.
Well, I better be off.
It's a big day tomorrow.
Captain's day at the golf club.
Oh. Safe home.
Don't let the door hit you
on the arse on the way out.
You should come. What?
To the Captain's day.
You should come. Me? Play golf?
I've never swung a racket
in me life.
Nonsense. I'll drop by tomorrow
and pick you up.
No, no.
I haven't even got the gear.
She's gone.
I've no balls, even.
You'll have to hire somebody
to manage your finances -
you know, with the Lotto money.
Winnie, I did not win the lottery.
And don't even dream about buckin'
winking. Really, Agnes? Really!
Then what was all that
secrecy about earlier?
Winnie, remember the other night
that girl that was
talking to Cathy at the bar?
Yes. That's Anita Luttrell.
I knew I recognised her.
Well, do you remember her parents,
Jimmy and Margaret Luttrell?
Oh, yeah!
Oh, they threw great parties,
Agnes. Didn't they?
Do you remember that night when
you were in the hot tub
and you asked this fella
to go down? Winnie! Winnie!
One sexual explosion at a time.
Winnie, there's a chance,
a very good chance Mm-hm?
that Redser may not be the sire
of my only female offspring.
Who?
Cathy!
Oh, no!
I think I shagged
the wrong Frankenstein.
Stretch out your forearms.
Yes. And get your backside out
and your chest down.
My chest is always buckin' down.
And then you want to
bend your knees
Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK.
And tuck your chin in. Yeah, yeah.
And then you lock your wrists.
Hillary, I'm not a buckin'
contortionist.
And swing.
OK.
I think that was good.
What do you think?
Yes, well
Let's just get you into your outfit.
Can I not go as I am?
Absolutely not!
Hi, Hillary. Oh!
Hello.
This is Anita,
an old neighbour of ours.
Hillary is Dermot's mother-in-law.
Nice to meet you.
Where's Mammy?
Oh, she's just getting changed
for the club.
You're bringing my mother
to the golf club?
Considering her change in
circumstances,
I thought it might be wise for her
to have a few like-minded people
around her.
What change of circumstance?
Oh, darling, don't you know?
Your mother's won the lottery!
Hillary, if my mother
gets a line at the bingo,
the whole world knows about it.
Trust me -
if she'd won the lottery,
I would have heard about it by now.
She's not rich?
Not financially.
But I thought
Excuse me.
Tiger Woods, eat your heart out!
Wait, wait.
That bitch was going to
take me golfing.
I even bought me own gum shield.
Golf is the last thing
you need to be thinking about.
What's that? My DNA report.
Oh
That's all you have to say, Mammy?
Why didn't you tell me?
Or did you even know yourself?
Cathy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to sleep with Anita's father.
I swear to God, I didn't.
You slept with my father?!
By accident.
Completely accident. I didn't know
there was two Frankensteins.
Cathy, you have to believe me.
You HAVE to believe me.
I do believe you.
You must You what?!
Well
You didn't sleep with
Jimmy Luttrell, Mammy.
Don't tell me
it was some other gobshite?
It was
It was Daddy.
Thank God.
Anita's mother sent the video.
I was going to show it to you
tonight.
Oh. I was wrong, Mrs Brown.
My dad WAS dressed as Frankenstein,
but just not at that party.
Oh, thank God.
It was a completely different party.
Oh!
with a hot tub in it.
Mammy, what my test result
revealed is
Yeah?
I'm a direct descendant
from the High Kings of Ireland.
How could you not tell me that?
I didn't fuckin' know, did I?
Well, you know now, thanks to Anita.
Thank you, Anita.
My pleasure, Mrs Brown.
And, by the way,
why does everyone in Finglas
think you won the lottery?
Oh, that's Winnie. You reckon?
Yeah, I'd bet me life on it.
I love you, Agnes.
Or maybe not.
Grandad, you mouth, you!
Telling everybody
I won the lottery. Get out!
You know, you could have
a lot of fun with that, Mammy.
No, I I couldn't.
Or could I?
Where is that fucking voice
coming from?
Dr Flynn, are you sure
that one pedigree horse
will be enough for you?
Oh, plenty, Mrs Brown. Thank you.
Dr Flynn - pedigree horse
and a hair transplant.
Sharon, let me just recap.
Sharon, you want a live-in
manservant and a latex jumpsuit.
Buster, you want, er, water skis
and directions
to a lake with a slope.
Dermot wants a villa in Spain
and surgery to take
that mole off your penis. OK.
OK. Oh, look, my glass is empty.
I'll get it for you. No
Cider! All right.
There'll be hell to pay
when they find out.
But in the meantime, I'm going
to milk this for all it's worth.
Slainte!
I've got a whole week of it
so far, and lots of gifts.
But the important thing
for me in it all
is that Redser is Cathy's father.
The rest of the kids -
I'm not so sure.
Oh, and whoever it is out there
that IS from Finglas
and won the lottery,
I hope you needed it.
I hope the arse was falling
out of your trousers.
I hope it changed your life and
and all your dreams come true.
As for me, I don't need a lottery.
I have my family.
Goodnight.
Say hello to the queen of
Dublin Town
As the best mum of all
she wears the crown
Mother hen watching all her chicks
A sassy old lady full of tricks
It's a safe bet she'd never
let life get her down
She's Mrs Brown Agnes
That's Mrs Brown Agnes
Our Mrs Brown ♪