Resident Alien (2021) s04e03 Episode Script
Ties That Bind
1
Previously on "Resident Alien"
This is bad.
Mantids are very dangerous.
Maybe the Greys placed
some kind of inhibitor
in you to stop you
from accessing your powers.
We can't let our guard down.
Not till we catch Joseph.
Should we let Mike and Liv catch him?
No. If they find Joseph
first, we will never get
the information we need
about our baby.
Hi, Peter.
I didn't know you were
bringing company.
Peter's proof that aliens are real.
Son of a bitch. I believe in aliens.
Greys separated out
Harry's alien particles
and left the rest.
Before Bruce died,
he told me the one thing
I could trade to the Greys
is the technology of my people,
powerful enough
to destroy my home planet.
That will get me my alien energy back,
and I know where to find it.
[CHANTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]
[ALL CHANTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]
[SPEAKING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]
The old ones say the
spirit we carry within us
is the spirit given to us
by the star people.
This symbol tells us
when the star people
will come back to visit.
We draw these stories
to remind us who we are
and where we come from.
"The stories we tell today
are woven into all of us.
And we carry them with us forever."
[ALL CHANTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]
[BROWN BIRD'S "BILGEWATER"]
[LAID-BACK ACOUSTIC STRUMMING]
♪
My dad's dad and his dad's dad
actually, my entire family has been
in the time travel portal
business for generations.
Except for my cousin Rex.
He's an actuary,
which would make 97.3333
Storytelling is a way to take someone
to some place they have never been,
a way to travel through time.
Dale's stories make me wish
I could return to a time
before I was even born.
Now, my mother,
that's a whole different story.
[SIGHS]
She died.
Uh, that's it. That's the story.
- Wow. I'm sorry.
- Wow, I am heartbroken.
At this rate, I will also be dead
before I can retrieve
my alien device from 1970
and trade it with the Greys
to get my alien energy back.
And the Greys will
probably use that device
to destroy my home planet.
But nobody needs to know that.
Some stories are better not told.
Don't rush me.
Going back to a specific time
requires finesse,
and I am an artiste.
Well, I am a doctor who
left the clinic early
'cause I thought
you'd be finished by now.
Your slow work
has put the health
of an entire town at risk.
[SCOFFS AND CHUCKLES] Has it?
What's that supposed to mean?
Dude, without your big alien brain,
you're just a guy
handing lollipops to kids.
Yeah, last week,
you wrote a prescription
for an apple a day.
Has that girl been sick since? No.
As a matter of fact, I'm
Still getting headaches.
So how does this
time travel thing work?
You go back in time and step
on a butterfly or whatever,
and do you come back and, like,
monkeys are in charge?
Ha-ha. That is not how portals work.
If I went back 50 years
and ran into ten-year-old Asta
and cut off her toe, she would
not suddenly lose her toe now.
Do you think I'm 60?
What?
When you go to the past,
a new reality branches off,
creating a parallel universe.
Oh, hang on.
I think I have some
brochures somewhere.
[CHUCKLES]
Hmm. "So you wanna time travel?"
Warning: Traversing
the space-time continuum
"may cause serious side effects,
"including incontinence,
rectal bleeding,
or a prolonged and painful erection."
All right, so it's not all bad.
Let's do this.
[LAUGHS]
You're not going.
Hey, I made this thing happen.
Dale only answered Harry's call
because he has a crush on me.
It's true.
I wouldn't be here
if it weren't so electric
between me and the red menace.
Harry, tell her she can't go.
- You can go.
- Uh?
Because you are courageous,
and you are not afraid to die.
And it will be helpful to me
to have someone to hide behind
in case I get shot at.
You're not going.
Nobody is going anywhere
until I finish this.
Now give me some space.
I'll have you back to 1870 in no time.
[GROANS] Then I'm gonna need a day.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
This is Operation Manticide.
The praying mantis has
several natural predators,
bats, spiders, and birds.
We don't have time to collect
enough bats and spiders,
and I'm afraid of birds
since one got into my bedroom,
so instead, I developed
a weapons-grade manticide
with neem oil,
which is a natural pesticide.
- And also good for dandruff.
- [DOOR OPENS]
What are you doing?
It's 3:00.
I started the Alien Club Meeting.
You can't start without me.
I'm the one who started this club
when you went away for school.
I'm the leader.
Then maybe show up on time.
I was busy alien tracking
because I'm the alien tracker.
And I found a fresh pile
of animal bones
out by the Grady turnoff.
I thought the Mantid
only killed humans.
You told them about the Mantid?
You weren't here.
You're lucky I didn't revoke
your alien club privileges.
You're lucky you can't.
Because I'm the president.
You're the secretary.
Hello, I'm Max, your president.
I've seen this alien Mantid,
and I tased him,
which saved the world.
We need to attack again,
so if you all want to be heroes
and not losers holding homemade
salad dressing, join me.
I want to be a hero.
Did I mention that
the Mantid eats people's heads?
[TENSE MUSIC]
So follow Max
and enjoy having no head.
S-Sorry, Max.
I like my head.
Our heads are safe.
We can wear cool helmets.
The Patience county
sheriff's department
was called to the copper Ridge motel
after the grisly discovery
of a headless John Doe.
I'm here with manager Judy Cooper.
This must be difficult for you.
Isn't this the second death
at your hotel in the past year?
Yeah.
There was a third guy
who broke his neck
diving into the hot tub,
but he's still sort of alive.
So the floater was better.
This one was messy. [CHUCKLES]
But, um, our top-notch staff
cleaned it very well.
That's Collette.
She's, like, a really good cleaner.
She has, like, OC-DC, so
um, so
Come out to the copper Ridge,
where all our rooms have locks now.
I'm Margo Keen reporting
with live 16 KVKC.
Ooh, we're also running
prom night specials.
Lose it here and save.
Hey.
Could only find
a handful of pre-1970s coins,
but this is like $10,000
in today's money.
This is a bad idea.
Relax, it's just time travel.
You don't hear anything wrong
with that sentence?
Ok, $5,000.
Wait, which sentence?
Would you stop?
Why do you do this?
You always just jump on to
whatever thing's the fastest.
Yeah, that's why I spent my childhood
going 100 miles an hour
down mountains.
Every nerve in your body is screaming.
Yeah, they're screaming,
"stop trying to kill me."
See? [SNAPS FINGERS]
- You get it.
- [SIGHS] I don't get it.
Well, you got it from Joseph, who
- [SCOFFS]
- Is half-alien, might I add.
I'm just saying
maybe I'm not the only one
looking for some excitement.
I was
Trying to save her life.
Yeah, carpe
Damn, girl.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
Ok, yes, it's one thing
to save her life.
I just don't want to
make sleeping with hybrid aliens
and kidnapping our friend's
baby and time travel the norm.
I'll be fine.
It's 1970. How rough could it be?
It was one of the most
tumultuous and stressful years
in our country's history.
Yeah, but
I'll look good.
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]
Nice.
Lookin' good.
♪
I'm gonna need some new threads.
♪
[SNIFFLES]
Ok, we're just north
of the lighthouse.
The device dropped near here
somewhere from my people's spaceship
at exactly 7:04 P.M. last night.
You seem pretty confident
for somebody walking on a beach
from 50 years ago.
The details of the mission
that put that device on this beach
are known by all of my people.
The pilot that missed his target,
he was tortured and killed.
Jesus. Overreact much?
It was so sad.
But you know,
we sing a commemorative song
every year on this day
in Screaming Ted's memory.
[SINGS IN HIS LANGUAGE] ♪
[SCREAMS]
[SINGS IN HIS LANGUAGE] ♪
[SCREAMS]
[SINGS IN HIS LANGUAGE] ♪
[SCREAMS]
[CHUCKLES]
That's touching.
Well, it's better
if you understood my language,
because the chorus rhymes
the date of his failure
with "dissected alive."
Seems like a weird rhyme.
Son of a bitch.
Morning, Jen.
Yoo-hoo.
Son of a bitch.
Sorry, I need to go and say hi
to my friends.
What the hell are you two doing here?
I came for that.
Thank you for cleaning
the sand off of it.
I'll take it now and go home.
Oh, no. It's mine.
So you and Asta can just
go back to your time portal now.
Actually, I, um I'm D'arcy.
Ah. He never mentioned you.
So if you'll excuse me, I have
a shift at the lobster shack.
Never mentioned me? Not once?
No, that is not accurate.
I always called you
Asta's useless appendage.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
How did it go in Braddock?
- It went great.
- Yeah?
The alien implant is gone.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, it, uh it looked
like a little piece of glass.
I told the doctor that
I was in a car accident
when I was a kid.
- Oh, good thinking.
- Yeah.
So now that we know that
our baby is here,
you know, and not
in outer space somewhere,
what do you what do you
think about telling Liv?
Oh, honey, we still can't.
She'd have to report it.
Well, then, you know,
I I won't tell deputy Liv.
I'll tell friend Liv.
Oh, honey, that's very clever.
But she would have to tell Mike.
Yeah, but
but Liv believes in aliens.
She might actually believe us.
It doesn't matter if Liv believes.
Got it.
Mike is never going
to take her seriously.
[SIGHS]
That guy does not believe in aliens.
I think an alien
might be doing these killings.
Wait, you're saying
you believe in aliens?
I've been looking
at all this evidence.
Joseph might be behind
these headless murders.
Now, if that's true, you were right.
Then you're saying
you believe in aliens.
You just said it.
What do you want, a damn parade?
I don't have time for this nonsense
with Joseph out there on the loose
and a one-legged cyborg man
stuck in a cave.
No. You saw one.
You believe, and I need
you to say it out loud.
This is so exciting.
[PHONE KEYPAD CLICKING]
[PHONE DINGS]
[SIGHS]
[GASPS]
Now delete that, Deputy.
Yep. It never happened.
Delete that.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Are you dancing?
I see your shadow through the door.
♪
[BABY WHINING]
Boy, you're fussy today.
[BABY COOING]
Hey, it's Kate.
Sorry I haven't gotten those
environmental reports to you.
I've been dealing with some stuff.
But I promise to get them
to you in the next day or two.
Hey, it's Kate. [BABY SQUEALS]
Sorry I haven't gotten those
environmental reports to you.
I've been dealing with some stuff,
but I promise to get them
to you in the next day or two.
[BABY LAUGHS]
[BABY SQUEALING EXCITEDLY]
[TENSE MUSIC]
[BABY CRYING]
♪
[BABY SQUEALS, LAUGHS]
♪
[BUTTONS BEEPING]
♪
Where did you get the baby?
As I recall, the deal was
no questions asked.
I am a lawyer
and an officer of the court,
so you should think twice
before you perjure yourself.
Do the baby's parents
know where she is?
I object.
This isn't a courtroom.
You're the one that
started using law words.
You know you can't lie to me.
Remember first grade,
when I made you tell me the truth
about holding hands
with Charlie Hamilton?
That wasn't fair.
You did that thing
where you look into my eyes
like you can see my soul.
Well, as your cousin who
can see inside your soul,
I need you to just give me
a simple yes or no.
Is that Kate's baby?
[TENSE MUSIC]
Yes, but that is all I can say.
And Kate doesn't
even know where she is.
Which is not as bad as it sounds,
but that is all I can say.
Please don't look inside me.
Please?
♪
Ok, fine. Yes, it's Kate's baby.
And she was taken by aliens
and then we were on a spaceship,
which is actually inside the moon.
And and and Joseph,
the deputy, is also an alien
who likes to play doctor
and nurse in the bedroom,
except I'm the doctor
and he's the nurse.
Happy now?
I'm sorry, what?
Ok, so you saved the earth
three times.
Maybe four?
Um, after the first,
it's easy to lose track.
It's all just so, like, whoa.
Yeah.
Whoa. [CHUCKLES]
Also, there's something else.
This might be hard to believe, but
There is an alien who
lives in Patience.
You mean Harry?
You knew?
Easy guess.
I mean, if anyone's an alien,
it's either Harry
or that guy Coco from the bookstore.
I should have told you.
It was just it was all too much.
I mean, it's not safe
to be part of any of this,
and I didn't want you to get hurt.
It's ok. You're telling me now.
That's all that matters.
We are cousins.
We have that special bond and
we tell each other everything.
And don't worry, I'm not
I'm not going to tell anyone.
It's our secret.
Well, my dad knows. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Of yeah, that's
- yeah.
- That's really good. That's good.
- Yeah.
You know, the three of us,
we're going to figure this out
together.
D'arcy knows, too.
Ok.
And Max and Sahar.
And maybe some of their friends.
I'm feeling less special.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry
I never told you.
It was just too dangerous,
and I don't know.
Knowing that we're not alone
in the universe,
it sounds comforting, but it also
can feel like
not being alone in the house.
- Scary.
- A little bit.
Do you remember
that comic book, "Sky,"
that we used to read
all the time as kids?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, I loved that comic.
We made t-shirts
of the hand with paint.
Yeah.
Our people have
been passing down this story
for hundreds of years,
generation through generation.
And someday, we're going
to tell it to our kids.
Yeah.
We are a part
of something much bigger.
And you,
you are the sum of everyone
who has come before you.
You are formidable.
You are everything.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
You are everything.
- I know.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS] Please get out.
No way.
These prices are insane.
Lobster dinner, 3 bucks?
And with your discount
ok, I'll take two of those.
And I will have the alien device.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Lady, a little service here?
[SCOFFS] This guy.
Hey, hoss, maybe calm down.
Have one of these
50 cent beers? Is this a joke?
Oh, my God, ok.
Round for everybody on me.
Please take it easy.
I need this job.
Didn't you need to go diarrhea?
Ah.
Yes, that's right.
Time travel.
Brutal on the ol' plumbing.
I need to go
[CLICKS TONGUE] Pee out of my butt.
You're disgusting.
♪
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
You can't have it.
- I need it.
- For what?
To save my father's life.
- I know what I saw.
- Look at the damn photos.
Oh, we have.
Could have been a weather balloon.
The agents who made him
feel like he was crazy
and ruined his life will
be at his house in an hour.
If these people are your problem,
then give me the device
and I will crush their heads in
with it before I leave.
That would do nothing.
They'd just send more.
I saw that alien device fall
on the beach when I was a kid,
but I was too scared to say anything.
It's proof that what he saw is real.
When the agents leave,
I will give it to him,
and he will finally know the truth.
Well, I need it.
The Greys stole my
what you would call my
life force, my alien energy.
And I need to trade the Greys
the device to get it back.
What are the Greys
planning to do with it?
They will obliterate my planet.
It sounds worse than it is.
[SIGHS]
I've been here for two years.
I came back to spend time
with my father.
Just a couple of months,
just enough to have a proper goodbye.
As far as he knew, I was just
a new lady in town named Jen.
But now, we're friends.
So last night, when your
people's spaceship flew over,
I realized that I can fix this.
[SNAPS FINGERS] Waitress.
[LIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
♪
Yes, sir. Ok.
I checked the back room,
looked in every purse
and all I found were aqua net,
cigarettes, lots of cigarettes.
So many cigarettes.
My God, how are there still people?
But no alien device.
I will check her car.
And you stay here and
babysit General Fish Hands.
- Why do you get to do it?
- Because it is my turn.
And also, I am not good at chitting,
and I'm even worse at chatting.
Ok, all right, you can do it.
But first, I'm just going to go
grab you a piece of this
dirty, unwrapped 1970s
hard candy by the door here.
Don't you son of a bitch.
[UPBEAT TWANGY GUITAR MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
♪
Oh, hello, you two.
I wanted to introduce you
to FBI agent Jules Gardner.
This is sheriff Mike
- Explode. Ignite.
- [CLAPS HANDS]
Both: Patience School is dynamite.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Ok.
Liv Baker, it's been forever.
They stopped doing that cheer.
You can't say dynamite
in a school gym anymore.
Huh.
I didn't know
you went to Patience High.
Best years of my life.
Wow, Jules Gardner.
Ben Hawthorne,
sitting in the Mayor's office.
You know, I don't, uh
I don't think
I've seen you since prom.
Remember?
You, uh, stole my girlfriend.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, right.
Well, I was drunk
and your date was a lesbian.
Yeah, maybe for, like, a night.
We dated for six years.
Hey, didn't you throw up
in the photo booth?
- On the snack table.
- Snack table.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Welcome back to Patience.
- I'm Sheriff Mike Thompson.
- Hi, yeah.
Lena told me all about you
as soon as I came on board.
I called in Agent Gardner to
assist us in the investigation.
She lives in Jessup,
and the Colorado Field Office
was just assigned the case.
Oh, good.
I mean, I'm not sure
we need outside help
on this one, but ok.
It's protocol in situations like this.
She's a Behavioral Analyst,
and she works out of the
Field Office in the Springs.
Wow, that is so cool.
She also received a shield of bravery,
so I think we are in very good hands.
[CHUCKLES] Sounds like we are.
So the murders.
I worked up a profile.
This has serial killer
written all over it.
You're going to want to order
a town-wide curfew for now
to keep everyone safe.
Yeah, well, I'm
I'm way ahead of you.
I hold regular self-defense classes,
so I'm teaching everyone
in town to protect themselves.
You do?
Well, I'm I'm not sure that
we have the budget for that.
Don't need a budget.
Do it right here in the town hall.
When?
The usual night.
You never show up.
I would, but I never have
anything imaginary to wear.
My point is, I'm in the process
of turning every citizen in
this town into a lethal weapon.
Well, it sounds like
we have all the bases covered.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm sure we'll catch
whoever it is in no time.
Should have known.
Eat a couple of human heads,
cops start swarming,
and soon, every loser in town
has a crime podcast.
I guess it's not that bad.
Mix it up a little.
Eat a few wild animals
while things calm down.
When we were young, we'd eat
anything with a pulse.
Nobody talked about carbs
or protein intake.
Suppertime.
[SNARLING]
[HARD ROCK MUSIC]
♪
Is this ok?
[JABBERS]
- No, it's not scary.
- [DOOR BELL JINGLES]
[CHIRPING]
Oh.
Hi, Max. Catch the Mantid yet?
Do you mean have
I saved the world again yet?
No.
[JABBERING]
Now, if you'll excuse me,
apparently, Bridget is afraid
of cartoon vampires.
[LIGHT FUNKY MUSIC]
♪
What's the problem here, little lady?
Hey. [LAUGHS]
Well [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, I'm a little lady.
And I'm just so silly.
You know, it's no-bra night
at the war protest,
and I've done locked myself
out of my car.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Well, let me see what I can do.
All right.
Far out.
- There you go.
- Groovy.
What did you say your name was?
I should, uh, take it for my report.
Oh, yeah.
The name's Carol Brady.
Uh, husband's Mike. He's an architect.
Just us and our six kids
and I think the housekeeper
maybe lives with us?
Like the TV show?
Is that on TV?
Already?
[LAUGHS] I'm just joking.
Uh, my real name is Meredith Grey.
I'm a surgeon.
Just need your name.
Outta sight.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
All right, all right.
Give peace a chance.
Jesus.
Found it.
[LAUGHS]
I win.
♪
You know, Max, if you want to help
Max?
Bridget.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
[SIGHS] Oh, no.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, get into it. Uh.
Get into it. A big one right there.
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh, wow. All right.
Good job, Marie. Good job, everybody.
Give her a hand. Right? [APPLAUSE]
Nice job.
Who wants to go next?
Judy, you want to give it a shot?
- Come on.
- Yes, sensei Mike.
[CHUCKLES]
You don't have to call me that.
Yes, my lord.
[CHUCKLES] You don't have
to call me that either.
Just remember,
most of your attackers
will be men, all right?
So you're going to want
to go strong into the groin.
All right? Strong into the groin.
Trust me, it still hurts
even if you're a girl.
I fell out of a tree when I was eight.
Took a tree limb right in the beef.
[CHUCKLING] Ok.
Ok, Judy, thank you.
Let's, uh let's give it a try.
All right.
Let's show 'em how it's done.
Here you go.
- Yee-ah!
- Oh, wow.
I see why you got the GI now.
- Hiyah!
- Oh, ok.
- Ow.
- All right. Very good.
This is called the windmill.
- Yeah!
- Oh.
Ah.
So, how's that whole
weird Joseph thing going?
You said that he's back in town?
Oh, I didn't say that.
Some guy wearing a mask
whose breath smelled very bad
told me that.
He probably hadn't eaten in a while.
Sometimes that would do that.
So what's what's, um, going on
with that crazy thing anyway?
I can't really involve you.
You should leave it up
to the professionals.
Well, I'm the Mayor,
so I'm obviously a professional.
If snipping ribbons with
fake giant scissors counts.
Oh, those aren't fake. They cut.
Ask Charlie Jones about his ear.
Doesn't make sense to loop you in
since you don't know anything.
Oh, don't I?
Let's just say I have experience
with certain things I cannot discuss.
- Experienced?
- Mm-hmm.
Like alien experience?
I knew it.
Kate has been abducted by aliens.
Just tell me.
Wow, you went right to no.
What? [LAUGHS] No way.
That's that's crazy.
Slander, you know.
Get out of here with that. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHING] Ok, all right. Good job.
She got fists of steel.
All right, who else wants to try?
Anybody?
I'll go.
Oh, all right. Come on up, Kate.
- All right.
- Go, Kate. Hey.
You know what?
Let's change it up a little bit here.
Do me a favor. Turn around.
- Oh.
- Yeah? Ok.
You're out there.
You're minding your own business.
And you don't hear nothing.
And then all of a sudden, bam.
Something's got you.
[GRUNTING]
Please
give me my baby.
No.
Right by your neck.
Now, what you gonna do?
No. I said no.
- Jesus
- no.
- All right.
- No.
- You're doing it.
- No. No. No.
No. No. No.
- Stop, stop.
- No. No. No.
It's ok, it's ok. It's ok.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I'm starting to remember.
♪
Ms. Twelvetrees, I need your help.
I'm in the middle of something, Sahar.
You're organizing lollipops.
Yeah, you want the right flavor,
you're going to thank me.
Max took Bridget.
I think he's trying
to catch the Mantid.
Jesus.
Uh, hold on one second.
Seriously?
Ok, look. I can't
leave anything half-done.
It's a problem.
Ok.
In the vastness of the cosmos,
decisions are rarely simple.
To save myself,
I must destroy my own kind.
Yes, my people will be annihilated,
but they will not care because
they do not have emotions.
They are very lucky that way.
Hold on.
Uh, are we sure this device
is safe to take to the portal?
It is safe.
Remember the banana.
What what if this thing
jams the system or whatever?
W-Why don't we tie a rope to it,
we'll go through, get home,
and then pull the thing in after us?
Your tiny red brain
is working so hard.
This is not a banana.
This is a Pleiadian gamma cluster.
It can monitor tides, currents,
water temperature,
the salinity of trillions
of gallons of water at once.
This device
is incomprehensibly complex.
- This is a rock.
- What?
Son of a bitch.
She tricked us.
Mostly you.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Ok, Dad. Here we go.
♪
I was so sure I saw it.
The
Thing.
UFO.
You did.
I saw it too.
What if I said I could give you proof?
I already have proof.
My daughter took a dozen pictures.
Look at them.
It was just a weather balloon.
Come on, Jen.
This is the United States government.
They know what they're talking about.
I
[JAZZY MUSIC]
♪
I don't know what is wrong with me.
Nothing is wrong with you.
Here.
Not a photo.
Real.
It fell out of the ship. I saw it.
♪
Fell off a satellite?
Some kid's science project.
I don't know.
You listen to me.
This is what they do.
They mess with your head.
They make you doubt your own eyes.
It's how people end up thinking
the moon landing was fake.
- They do?
- Oh, not yet.
It doesn't matter.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
You know what makes this even worse?
I told Henry
down at the Elks about it.
♪
So stupid.
Now it's all around town.
Went to get my paper this morning.
Neighbors just staring at me.
Forget everyone else.
Believe what you know is true.
I don't know what's true.
Not anymore.
♪
You should go now.
♪
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Thanks for fixing Peter's legs.
I didn't realize I was
putting them on backwards.
Been walking around like an ostrich.
It's not such a bad thing.
An ostrich will kick
the stuffing out of a cheetah.
Hold on. I just need to use
the little girl's room.
Go ahead.
[IMITATING TRUMPET TOOTING]
I'm mouth-trumpeting,
because I'm peeing,
and I don't want you to hear me pee.
Then trumpet a different song then,
'cause that one's going
to get stuck in my head
and then every time I hear it,
I'm going to think about you pee
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
[GROWLS]
I know what you mean
about the trumpeting.
I got sick once during
our high school production
of "Meet Me In St. Louis,"
and now, every time I hear
clang, clang, clang
sir?
It's a a bug.
You you saw a bug?
What kind of bug?
Big.
A big thing.
A g a giant thing, like,
8, 9 feet tall.
Like a like a
like a giant cricket.
Cricket?
Wait.
W-Was it more like a praying mantis?
Yes. Like that.
Oh, my God.
It was a Mantid alien.
You saw another alien.
And not just any alien,
one of the rarest aliens
in the universe.
Oh, man.
Everyone gets to see an alien but me.
I'm never peeing again.
♪
Ok, we wait for the milkman.
And then you jump him
and strip him of his uniform,
put on the uniform,
knock on the door, seduce the father,
ply him with milks and cheeses,
get weird with it,
but keep his
this plan really hinges
on his attraction to milkmen.
[CHUCKLING]
Who isn't attracted to milkmen?
Uh
whatever you idiots
were planning, forget it.
I failed.
My father is going to die,
so this is all yours.
Ok, goodbye.
Wait, wait.
What happened?
I thought I could save him.
Thought I could change the future.
[SIGHS] I spent my whole life
hating my younger self
because she didn't do enough.
Maybe it's time to forgive her.
Because I failed him, too.
Ok, goodbye.
Ok, hold on. Jesus.
Look, that sucks.
But maybe you weren't meant
to come back
and change things, right?
Why why don't you come back
with us?
No. I'm staying.
Well, I'm not.
I will wait for you at the portal.
[SIGHS]
I don't get it.
Why stay here?
You're just a waitress.
You could go back
to where you're admiral
of the space army or whatever.
I don't really
know what your job was, sorry.
I'm staying for her.
That little girl is
going to need somebody.
Her father wouldn't listen,
not even to his own daughter.
Yeah, but you're not.
What?
His daughter.
I mean, not here, not to him.
You're just Jen
from the Lobster Shack.
Maybe you should let her try.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
♪
Look, I gotta go.
He is a Hundo P not waiting for me.
Hey.
Did Harry ever tell you
what he's really planning
to use that device for?
♪
Oh, hi, Ms. McCallister.
That was one of my favorite
books when I was your age.
Everyone gave me baby books,
but my dad knew that
I was capable of more.
You saw that UFO, didn't you?
I I don't know.
I know you think that if you
tell your dad what you saw
that he might not believe you,
that things might never
be the same between you again.
How did you know that?
I was once a little girl too.
Lots of people will try
to take away your voice.
But you always have to tell the truth.
I know that you are very strong.
And right now,
you can share your strength
with your dad so that he
believes he saw what he saw.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
♪
Do you think you could
do that for both of us?
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
Dad?
I saw it too.
You did?
I believe you.
Oh, thank you, honey, for believing.
♪
Are you sure this is the right way?
Yes. Max said he found
some animal carcasses
near the Grady property.
[TENSE MUSIC]
Yup, here I am,
Max, just a normal unsupervised kid
in the woods alone at night,
who can see aliens.
I hope there's no monsters around.
I'm really helpless.
[SNARLING]
[SCREAMS]
Hey, stupid.
Looks like company's coming.
[GROWLS]
[CHITTERING]
- Oh!
- Lame catchphrase.
Here's mine.
Let me go.
[GROWLS]
[TRILLS]
Ow! Wait a minute.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[CHIRPING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[LAUGHS]
[GRUNTING]
What the hell?
Gross.
Huh?
Oh, hey, guys.
- You seen Harry?
- [COOS]
[SQUAWKS]
Why didn't you tell me
I was helping you destroy your people?
I think you would not have helped.
No, I wouldn't have. Good call.
I'm doing it to kill the Mantid,
to save earth, your planet.
Yeah, right.
One day as a human,
and you care so much
about the people of earth.
Yes.
You can't lie to a liar.
Look at me.
- Harry.
- Leave me alone.
I have to do this.
Yeah, to get your alien energy back.
Yes.
Ok, fine.
I need it back. I have to have it.
I am weak in this human body.
I am vulnerable. I am frightened.
Welcome to the club.
I'm nothing now.
You should understand.
You were an Olympic athlete.
What if you had a chance
to get that back?
Yeah, yeah.
I'd be tempted.
But not if it was going
to kill everyone on earth.
And if I was in that situation,
I would
I would want a friend
to talk me out of it.
I do not want you
to talk me out of it.
I don't want to feel like this.
I do not want to feel
like I am nothing.
I think you'll feel more
like nothing if you do this.
These are your people.
You can't just wipe 'em out.
But I will be me again.
But only you.
No one else in your race.
No connection.
Just floating at the end of nothing.
[SIGHS]
[GENTLE MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
Sometimes beings are forced
to acknowledge their history.
♪
[GRUNTS]
♪
And to recognize that
they are not separate from it,
but that it lives inside of them.
♪
Yeah, your cards are bad.
There's a couple of cards there.
Sometimes they get
to rewrite their history.
Take that one. I don't even need it.
I don't want that one.
I want I want this one over here.
Sometimes they avoid it entirely.
[CHUCKLES]
I spent my whole life
hating my younger self,
because she didn't do enough.
Maybe it's time to forgive her.
♪
You screwed everything up.
♪
[DOOR BELL JINGLES]
♪
Oh, hey, there's D'arcy.
♪
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Please. Give me my baby.
Hon, you okay?
She was there.
What?
[GASPS]
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
My history is one of being
a strong, proud alien,
and I chose to preserve that.
Now my story is
I am a human.
And a lactose-intolerant human.
But as humans like to say,
and I still do not know why,
it is what it is.
And I'm sure it will not be as bad.
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
Foot cramp. Foot cramp.
Ah, ah. [GROANS]
Honey, I'm home.
Heather.
I want you to meet your kids.
[ALL CHIRPING]
It's a shocking reveal ♪
And sometimes, our history
comes home to roost.
Oh.
sync & corrections awaqeded
The love in your voice
leaves me with a choice ♪
but I'm scared to cross ♪
can't decide for my life ♪
where my love resides ♪
got me weak in the knees ♪
and the pain still sings ♪
Previously on "Resident Alien"
This is bad.
Mantids are very dangerous.
Maybe the Greys placed
some kind of inhibitor
in you to stop you
from accessing your powers.
We can't let our guard down.
Not till we catch Joseph.
Should we let Mike and Liv catch him?
No. If they find Joseph
first, we will never get
the information we need
about our baby.
Hi, Peter.
I didn't know you were
bringing company.
Peter's proof that aliens are real.
Son of a bitch. I believe in aliens.
Greys separated out
Harry's alien particles
and left the rest.
Before Bruce died,
he told me the one thing
I could trade to the Greys
is the technology of my people,
powerful enough
to destroy my home planet.
That will get me my alien energy back,
and I know where to find it.
[CHANTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]
[ALL CHANTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]
[SPEAKING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]
The old ones say the
spirit we carry within us
is the spirit given to us
by the star people.
This symbol tells us
when the star people
will come back to visit.
We draw these stories
to remind us who we are
and where we come from.
"The stories we tell today
are woven into all of us.
And we carry them with us forever."
[ALL CHANTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]
[BROWN BIRD'S "BILGEWATER"]
[LAID-BACK ACOUSTIC STRUMMING]
♪
My dad's dad and his dad's dad
actually, my entire family has been
in the time travel portal
business for generations.
Except for my cousin Rex.
He's an actuary,
which would make 97.3333
Storytelling is a way to take someone
to some place they have never been,
a way to travel through time.
Dale's stories make me wish
I could return to a time
before I was even born.
Now, my mother,
that's a whole different story.
[SIGHS]
She died.
Uh, that's it. That's the story.
- Wow. I'm sorry.
- Wow, I am heartbroken.
At this rate, I will also be dead
before I can retrieve
my alien device from 1970
and trade it with the Greys
to get my alien energy back.
And the Greys will
probably use that device
to destroy my home planet.
But nobody needs to know that.
Some stories are better not told.
Don't rush me.
Going back to a specific time
requires finesse,
and I am an artiste.
Well, I am a doctor who
left the clinic early
'cause I thought
you'd be finished by now.
Your slow work
has put the health
of an entire town at risk.
[SCOFFS AND CHUCKLES] Has it?
What's that supposed to mean?
Dude, without your big alien brain,
you're just a guy
handing lollipops to kids.
Yeah, last week,
you wrote a prescription
for an apple a day.
Has that girl been sick since? No.
As a matter of fact, I'm
Still getting headaches.
So how does this
time travel thing work?
You go back in time and step
on a butterfly or whatever,
and do you come back and, like,
monkeys are in charge?
Ha-ha. That is not how portals work.
If I went back 50 years
and ran into ten-year-old Asta
and cut off her toe, she would
not suddenly lose her toe now.
Do you think I'm 60?
What?
When you go to the past,
a new reality branches off,
creating a parallel universe.
Oh, hang on.
I think I have some
brochures somewhere.
[CHUCKLES]
Hmm. "So you wanna time travel?"
Warning: Traversing
the space-time continuum
"may cause serious side effects,
"including incontinence,
rectal bleeding,
or a prolonged and painful erection."
All right, so it's not all bad.
Let's do this.
[LAUGHS]
You're not going.
Hey, I made this thing happen.
Dale only answered Harry's call
because he has a crush on me.
It's true.
I wouldn't be here
if it weren't so electric
between me and the red menace.
Harry, tell her she can't go.
- You can go.
- Uh?
Because you are courageous,
and you are not afraid to die.
And it will be helpful to me
to have someone to hide behind
in case I get shot at.
You're not going.
Nobody is going anywhere
until I finish this.
Now give me some space.
I'll have you back to 1870 in no time.
[GROANS] Then I'm gonna need a day.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
This is Operation Manticide.
The praying mantis has
several natural predators,
bats, spiders, and birds.
We don't have time to collect
enough bats and spiders,
and I'm afraid of birds
since one got into my bedroom,
so instead, I developed
a weapons-grade manticide
with neem oil,
which is a natural pesticide.
- And also good for dandruff.
- [DOOR OPENS]
What are you doing?
It's 3:00.
I started the Alien Club Meeting.
You can't start without me.
I'm the one who started this club
when you went away for school.
I'm the leader.
Then maybe show up on time.
I was busy alien tracking
because I'm the alien tracker.
And I found a fresh pile
of animal bones
out by the Grady turnoff.
I thought the Mantid
only killed humans.
You told them about the Mantid?
You weren't here.
You're lucky I didn't revoke
your alien club privileges.
You're lucky you can't.
Because I'm the president.
You're the secretary.
Hello, I'm Max, your president.
I've seen this alien Mantid,
and I tased him,
which saved the world.
We need to attack again,
so if you all want to be heroes
and not losers holding homemade
salad dressing, join me.
I want to be a hero.
Did I mention that
the Mantid eats people's heads?
[TENSE MUSIC]
So follow Max
and enjoy having no head.
S-Sorry, Max.
I like my head.
Our heads are safe.
We can wear cool helmets.
The Patience county
sheriff's department
was called to the copper Ridge motel
after the grisly discovery
of a headless John Doe.
I'm here with manager Judy Cooper.
This must be difficult for you.
Isn't this the second death
at your hotel in the past year?
Yeah.
There was a third guy
who broke his neck
diving into the hot tub,
but he's still sort of alive.
So the floater was better.
This one was messy. [CHUCKLES]
But, um, our top-notch staff
cleaned it very well.
That's Collette.
She's, like, a really good cleaner.
She has, like, OC-DC, so
um, so
Come out to the copper Ridge,
where all our rooms have locks now.
I'm Margo Keen reporting
with live 16 KVKC.
Ooh, we're also running
prom night specials.
Lose it here and save.
Hey.
Could only find
a handful of pre-1970s coins,
but this is like $10,000
in today's money.
This is a bad idea.
Relax, it's just time travel.
You don't hear anything wrong
with that sentence?
Ok, $5,000.
Wait, which sentence?
Would you stop?
Why do you do this?
You always just jump on to
whatever thing's the fastest.
Yeah, that's why I spent my childhood
going 100 miles an hour
down mountains.
Every nerve in your body is screaming.
Yeah, they're screaming,
"stop trying to kill me."
See? [SNAPS FINGERS]
- You get it.
- [SIGHS] I don't get it.
Well, you got it from Joseph, who
- [SCOFFS]
- Is half-alien, might I add.
I'm just saying
maybe I'm not the only one
looking for some excitement.
I was
Trying to save her life.
Yeah, carpe
Damn, girl.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
Ok, yes, it's one thing
to save her life.
I just don't want to
make sleeping with hybrid aliens
and kidnapping our friend's
baby and time travel the norm.
I'll be fine.
It's 1970. How rough could it be?
It was one of the most
tumultuous and stressful years
in our country's history.
Yeah, but
I'll look good.
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]
Nice.
Lookin' good.
♪
I'm gonna need some new threads.
♪
[SNIFFLES]
Ok, we're just north
of the lighthouse.
The device dropped near here
somewhere from my people's spaceship
at exactly 7:04 P.M. last night.
You seem pretty confident
for somebody walking on a beach
from 50 years ago.
The details of the mission
that put that device on this beach
are known by all of my people.
The pilot that missed his target,
he was tortured and killed.
Jesus. Overreact much?
It was so sad.
But you know,
we sing a commemorative song
every year on this day
in Screaming Ted's memory.
[SINGS IN HIS LANGUAGE] ♪
[SCREAMS]
[SINGS IN HIS LANGUAGE] ♪
[SCREAMS]
[SINGS IN HIS LANGUAGE] ♪
[SCREAMS]
[CHUCKLES]
That's touching.
Well, it's better
if you understood my language,
because the chorus rhymes
the date of his failure
with "dissected alive."
Seems like a weird rhyme.
Son of a bitch.
Morning, Jen.
Yoo-hoo.
Son of a bitch.
Sorry, I need to go and say hi
to my friends.
What the hell are you two doing here?
I came for that.
Thank you for cleaning
the sand off of it.
I'll take it now and go home.
Oh, no. It's mine.
So you and Asta can just
go back to your time portal now.
Actually, I, um I'm D'arcy.
Ah. He never mentioned you.
So if you'll excuse me, I have
a shift at the lobster shack.
Never mentioned me? Not once?
No, that is not accurate.
I always called you
Asta's useless appendage.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
How did it go in Braddock?
- It went great.
- Yeah?
The alien implant is gone.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, it, uh it looked
like a little piece of glass.
I told the doctor that
I was in a car accident
when I was a kid.
- Oh, good thinking.
- Yeah.
So now that we know that
our baby is here,
you know, and not
in outer space somewhere,
what do you what do you
think about telling Liv?
Oh, honey, we still can't.
She'd have to report it.
Well, then, you know,
I I won't tell deputy Liv.
I'll tell friend Liv.
Oh, honey, that's very clever.
But she would have to tell Mike.
Yeah, but
but Liv believes in aliens.
She might actually believe us.
It doesn't matter if Liv believes.
Got it.
Mike is never going
to take her seriously.
[SIGHS]
That guy does not believe in aliens.
I think an alien
might be doing these killings.
Wait, you're saying
you believe in aliens?
I've been looking
at all this evidence.
Joseph might be behind
these headless murders.
Now, if that's true, you were right.
Then you're saying
you believe in aliens.
You just said it.
What do you want, a damn parade?
I don't have time for this nonsense
with Joseph out there on the loose
and a one-legged cyborg man
stuck in a cave.
No. You saw one.
You believe, and I need
you to say it out loud.
This is so exciting.
[PHONE KEYPAD CLICKING]
[PHONE DINGS]
[SIGHS]
[GASPS]
Now delete that, Deputy.
Yep. It never happened.
Delete that.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Are you dancing?
I see your shadow through the door.
♪
[BABY WHINING]
Boy, you're fussy today.
[BABY COOING]
Hey, it's Kate.
Sorry I haven't gotten those
environmental reports to you.
I've been dealing with some stuff.
But I promise to get them
to you in the next day or two.
Hey, it's Kate. [BABY SQUEALS]
Sorry I haven't gotten those
environmental reports to you.
I've been dealing with some stuff,
but I promise to get them
to you in the next day or two.
[BABY LAUGHS]
[BABY SQUEALING EXCITEDLY]
[TENSE MUSIC]
[BABY CRYING]
♪
[BABY SQUEALS, LAUGHS]
♪
[BUTTONS BEEPING]
♪
Where did you get the baby?
As I recall, the deal was
no questions asked.
I am a lawyer
and an officer of the court,
so you should think twice
before you perjure yourself.
Do the baby's parents
know where she is?
I object.
This isn't a courtroom.
You're the one that
started using law words.
You know you can't lie to me.
Remember first grade,
when I made you tell me the truth
about holding hands
with Charlie Hamilton?
That wasn't fair.
You did that thing
where you look into my eyes
like you can see my soul.
Well, as your cousin who
can see inside your soul,
I need you to just give me
a simple yes or no.
Is that Kate's baby?
[TENSE MUSIC]
Yes, but that is all I can say.
And Kate doesn't
even know where she is.
Which is not as bad as it sounds,
but that is all I can say.
Please don't look inside me.
Please?
♪
Ok, fine. Yes, it's Kate's baby.
And she was taken by aliens
and then we were on a spaceship,
which is actually inside the moon.
And and and Joseph,
the deputy, is also an alien
who likes to play doctor
and nurse in the bedroom,
except I'm the doctor
and he's the nurse.
Happy now?
I'm sorry, what?
Ok, so you saved the earth
three times.
Maybe four?
Um, after the first,
it's easy to lose track.
It's all just so, like, whoa.
Yeah.
Whoa. [CHUCKLES]
Also, there's something else.
This might be hard to believe, but
There is an alien who
lives in Patience.
You mean Harry?
You knew?
Easy guess.
I mean, if anyone's an alien,
it's either Harry
or that guy Coco from the bookstore.
I should have told you.
It was just it was all too much.
I mean, it's not safe
to be part of any of this,
and I didn't want you to get hurt.
It's ok. You're telling me now.
That's all that matters.
We are cousins.
We have that special bond and
we tell each other everything.
And don't worry, I'm not
I'm not going to tell anyone.
It's our secret.
Well, my dad knows. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Of yeah, that's
- yeah.
- That's really good. That's good.
- Yeah.
You know, the three of us,
we're going to figure this out
together.
D'arcy knows, too.
Ok.
And Max and Sahar.
And maybe some of their friends.
I'm feeling less special.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry
I never told you.
It was just too dangerous,
and I don't know.
Knowing that we're not alone
in the universe,
it sounds comforting, but it also
can feel like
not being alone in the house.
- Scary.
- A little bit.
Do you remember
that comic book, "Sky,"
that we used to read
all the time as kids?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, I loved that comic.
We made t-shirts
of the hand with paint.
Yeah.
Our people have
been passing down this story
for hundreds of years,
generation through generation.
And someday, we're going
to tell it to our kids.
Yeah.
We are a part
of something much bigger.
And you,
you are the sum of everyone
who has come before you.
You are formidable.
You are everything.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
You are everything.
- I know.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS] Please get out.
No way.
These prices are insane.
Lobster dinner, 3 bucks?
And with your discount
ok, I'll take two of those.
And I will have the alien device.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Lady, a little service here?
[SCOFFS] This guy.
Hey, hoss, maybe calm down.
Have one of these
50 cent beers? Is this a joke?
Oh, my God, ok.
Round for everybody on me.
Please take it easy.
I need this job.
Didn't you need to go diarrhea?
Ah.
Yes, that's right.
Time travel.
Brutal on the ol' plumbing.
I need to go
[CLICKS TONGUE] Pee out of my butt.
You're disgusting.
♪
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
You can't have it.
- I need it.
- For what?
To save my father's life.
- I know what I saw.
- Look at the damn photos.
Oh, we have.
Could have been a weather balloon.
The agents who made him
feel like he was crazy
and ruined his life will
be at his house in an hour.
If these people are your problem,
then give me the device
and I will crush their heads in
with it before I leave.
That would do nothing.
They'd just send more.
I saw that alien device fall
on the beach when I was a kid,
but I was too scared to say anything.
It's proof that what he saw is real.
When the agents leave,
I will give it to him,
and he will finally know the truth.
Well, I need it.
The Greys stole my
what you would call my
life force, my alien energy.
And I need to trade the Greys
the device to get it back.
What are the Greys
planning to do with it?
They will obliterate my planet.
It sounds worse than it is.
[SIGHS]
I've been here for two years.
I came back to spend time
with my father.
Just a couple of months,
just enough to have a proper goodbye.
As far as he knew, I was just
a new lady in town named Jen.
But now, we're friends.
So last night, when your
people's spaceship flew over,
I realized that I can fix this.
[SNAPS FINGERS] Waitress.
[LIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
♪
Yes, sir. Ok.
I checked the back room,
looked in every purse
and all I found were aqua net,
cigarettes, lots of cigarettes.
So many cigarettes.
My God, how are there still people?
But no alien device.
I will check her car.
And you stay here and
babysit General Fish Hands.
- Why do you get to do it?
- Because it is my turn.
And also, I am not good at chitting,
and I'm even worse at chatting.
Ok, all right, you can do it.
But first, I'm just going to go
grab you a piece of this
dirty, unwrapped 1970s
hard candy by the door here.
Don't you son of a bitch.
[UPBEAT TWANGY GUITAR MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
♪
Oh, hello, you two.
I wanted to introduce you
to FBI agent Jules Gardner.
This is sheriff Mike
- Explode. Ignite.
- [CLAPS HANDS]
Both: Patience School is dynamite.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Ok.
Liv Baker, it's been forever.
They stopped doing that cheer.
You can't say dynamite
in a school gym anymore.
Huh.
I didn't know
you went to Patience High.
Best years of my life.
Wow, Jules Gardner.
Ben Hawthorne,
sitting in the Mayor's office.
You know, I don't, uh
I don't think
I've seen you since prom.
Remember?
You, uh, stole my girlfriend.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, right.
Well, I was drunk
and your date was a lesbian.
Yeah, maybe for, like, a night.
We dated for six years.
Hey, didn't you throw up
in the photo booth?
- On the snack table.
- Snack table.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Welcome back to Patience.
- I'm Sheriff Mike Thompson.
- Hi, yeah.
Lena told me all about you
as soon as I came on board.
I called in Agent Gardner to
assist us in the investigation.
She lives in Jessup,
and the Colorado Field Office
was just assigned the case.
Oh, good.
I mean, I'm not sure
we need outside help
on this one, but ok.
It's protocol in situations like this.
She's a Behavioral Analyst,
and she works out of the
Field Office in the Springs.
Wow, that is so cool.
She also received a shield of bravery,
so I think we are in very good hands.
[CHUCKLES] Sounds like we are.
So the murders.
I worked up a profile.
This has serial killer
written all over it.
You're going to want to order
a town-wide curfew for now
to keep everyone safe.
Yeah, well, I'm
I'm way ahead of you.
I hold regular self-defense classes,
so I'm teaching everyone
in town to protect themselves.
You do?
Well, I'm I'm not sure that
we have the budget for that.
Don't need a budget.
Do it right here in the town hall.
When?
The usual night.
You never show up.
I would, but I never have
anything imaginary to wear.
My point is, I'm in the process
of turning every citizen in
this town into a lethal weapon.
Well, it sounds like
we have all the bases covered.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm sure we'll catch
whoever it is in no time.
Should have known.
Eat a couple of human heads,
cops start swarming,
and soon, every loser in town
has a crime podcast.
I guess it's not that bad.
Mix it up a little.
Eat a few wild animals
while things calm down.
When we were young, we'd eat
anything with a pulse.
Nobody talked about carbs
or protein intake.
Suppertime.
[SNARLING]
[HARD ROCK MUSIC]
♪
Is this ok?
[JABBERS]
- No, it's not scary.
- [DOOR BELL JINGLES]
[CHIRPING]
Oh.
Hi, Max. Catch the Mantid yet?
Do you mean have
I saved the world again yet?
No.
[JABBERING]
Now, if you'll excuse me,
apparently, Bridget is afraid
of cartoon vampires.
[LIGHT FUNKY MUSIC]
♪
What's the problem here, little lady?
Hey. [LAUGHS]
Well [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, I'm a little lady.
And I'm just so silly.
You know, it's no-bra night
at the war protest,
and I've done locked myself
out of my car.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Well, let me see what I can do.
All right.
Far out.
- There you go.
- Groovy.
What did you say your name was?
I should, uh, take it for my report.
Oh, yeah.
The name's Carol Brady.
Uh, husband's Mike. He's an architect.
Just us and our six kids
and I think the housekeeper
maybe lives with us?
Like the TV show?
Is that on TV?
Already?
[LAUGHS] I'm just joking.
Uh, my real name is Meredith Grey.
I'm a surgeon.
Just need your name.
Outta sight.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
All right, all right.
Give peace a chance.
Jesus.
Found it.
[LAUGHS]
I win.
♪
You know, Max, if you want to help
Max?
Bridget.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
[SIGHS] Oh, no.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, get into it. Uh.
Get into it. A big one right there.
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh, wow. All right.
Good job, Marie. Good job, everybody.
Give her a hand. Right? [APPLAUSE]
Nice job.
Who wants to go next?
Judy, you want to give it a shot?
- Come on.
- Yes, sensei Mike.
[CHUCKLES]
You don't have to call me that.
Yes, my lord.
[CHUCKLES] You don't have
to call me that either.
Just remember,
most of your attackers
will be men, all right?
So you're going to want
to go strong into the groin.
All right? Strong into the groin.
Trust me, it still hurts
even if you're a girl.
I fell out of a tree when I was eight.
Took a tree limb right in the beef.
[CHUCKLING] Ok.
Ok, Judy, thank you.
Let's, uh let's give it a try.
All right.
Let's show 'em how it's done.
Here you go.
- Yee-ah!
- Oh, wow.
I see why you got the GI now.
- Hiyah!
- Oh, ok.
- Ow.
- All right. Very good.
This is called the windmill.
- Yeah!
- Oh.
Ah.
So, how's that whole
weird Joseph thing going?
You said that he's back in town?
Oh, I didn't say that.
Some guy wearing a mask
whose breath smelled very bad
told me that.
He probably hadn't eaten in a while.
Sometimes that would do that.
So what's what's, um, going on
with that crazy thing anyway?
I can't really involve you.
You should leave it up
to the professionals.
Well, I'm the Mayor,
so I'm obviously a professional.
If snipping ribbons with
fake giant scissors counts.
Oh, those aren't fake. They cut.
Ask Charlie Jones about his ear.
Doesn't make sense to loop you in
since you don't know anything.
Oh, don't I?
Let's just say I have experience
with certain things I cannot discuss.
- Experienced?
- Mm-hmm.
Like alien experience?
I knew it.
Kate has been abducted by aliens.
Just tell me.
Wow, you went right to no.
What? [LAUGHS] No way.
That's that's crazy.
Slander, you know.
Get out of here with that. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHING] Ok, all right. Good job.
She got fists of steel.
All right, who else wants to try?
Anybody?
I'll go.
Oh, all right. Come on up, Kate.
- All right.
- Go, Kate. Hey.
You know what?
Let's change it up a little bit here.
Do me a favor. Turn around.
- Oh.
- Yeah? Ok.
You're out there.
You're minding your own business.
And you don't hear nothing.
And then all of a sudden, bam.
Something's got you.
[GRUNTING]
Please
give me my baby.
No.
Right by your neck.
Now, what you gonna do?
No. I said no.
- Jesus
- no.
- All right.
- No.
- You're doing it.
- No. No. No.
No. No. No.
- Stop, stop.
- No. No. No.
It's ok, it's ok. It's ok.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I'm starting to remember.
♪
Ms. Twelvetrees, I need your help.
I'm in the middle of something, Sahar.
You're organizing lollipops.
Yeah, you want the right flavor,
you're going to thank me.
Max took Bridget.
I think he's trying
to catch the Mantid.
Jesus.
Uh, hold on one second.
Seriously?
Ok, look. I can't
leave anything half-done.
It's a problem.
Ok.
In the vastness of the cosmos,
decisions are rarely simple.
To save myself,
I must destroy my own kind.
Yes, my people will be annihilated,
but they will not care because
they do not have emotions.
They are very lucky that way.
Hold on.
Uh, are we sure this device
is safe to take to the portal?
It is safe.
Remember the banana.
What what if this thing
jams the system or whatever?
W-Why don't we tie a rope to it,
we'll go through, get home,
and then pull the thing in after us?
Your tiny red brain
is working so hard.
This is not a banana.
This is a Pleiadian gamma cluster.
It can monitor tides, currents,
water temperature,
the salinity of trillions
of gallons of water at once.
This device
is incomprehensibly complex.
- This is a rock.
- What?
Son of a bitch.
She tricked us.
Mostly you.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Ok, Dad. Here we go.
♪
I was so sure I saw it.
The
Thing.
UFO.
You did.
I saw it too.
What if I said I could give you proof?
I already have proof.
My daughter took a dozen pictures.
Look at them.
It was just a weather balloon.
Come on, Jen.
This is the United States government.
They know what they're talking about.
I
[JAZZY MUSIC]
♪
I don't know what is wrong with me.
Nothing is wrong with you.
Here.
Not a photo.
Real.
It fell out of the ship. I saw it.
♪
Fell off a satellite?
Some kid's science project.
I don't know.
You listen to me.
This is what they do.
They mess with your head.
They make you doubt your own eyes.
It's how people end up thinking
the moon landing was fake.
- They do?
- Oh, not yet.
It doesn't matter.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
You know what makes this even worse?
I told Henry
down at the Elks about it.
♪
So stupid.
Now it's all around town.
Went to get my paper this morning.
Neighbors just staring at me.
Forget everyone else.
Believe what you know is true.
I don't know what's true.
Not anymore.
♪
You should go now.
♪
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Thanks for fixing Peter's legs.
I didn't realize I was
putting them on backwards.
Been walking around like an ostrich.
It's not such a bad thing.
An ostrich will kick
the stuffing out of a cheetah.
Hold on. I just need to use
the little girl's room.
Go ahead.
[IMITATING TRUMPET TOOTING]
I'm mouth-trumpeting,
because I'm peeing,
and I don't want you to hear me pee.
Then trumpet a different song then,
'cause that one's going
to get stuck in my head
and then every time I hear it,
I'm going to think about you pee
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
[GROWLS]
I know what you mean
about the trumpeting.
I got sick once during
our high school production
of "Meet Me In St. Louis,"
and now, every time I hear
clang, clang, clang
sir?
It's a a bug.
You you saw a bug?
What kind of bug?
Big.
A big thing.
A g a giant thing, like,
8, 9 feet tall.
Like a like a
like a giant cricket.
Cricket?
Wait.
W-Was it more like a praying mantis?
Yes. Like that.
Oh, my God.
It was a Mantid alien.
You saw another alien.
And not just any alien,
one of the rarest aliens
in the universe.
Oh, man.
Everyone gets to see an alien but me.
I'm never peeing again.
♪
Ok, we wait for the milkman.
And then you jump him
and strip him of his uniform,
put on the uniform,
knock on the door, seduce the father,
ply him with milks and cheeses,
get weird with it,
but keep his
this plan really hinges
on his attraction to milkmen.
[CHUCKLING]
Who isn't attracted to milkmen?
Uh
whatever you idiots
were planning, forget it.
I failed.
My father is going to die,
so this is all yours.
Ok, goodbye.
Wait, wait.
What happened?
I thought I could save him.
Thought I could change the future.
[SIGHS] I spent my whole life
hating my younger self
because she didn't do enough.
Maybe it's time to forgive her.
Because I failed him, too.
Ok, goodbye.
Ok, hold on. Jesus.
Look, that sucks.
But maybe you weren't meant
to come back
and change things, right?
Why why don't you come back
with us?
No. I'm staying.
Well, I'm not.
I will wait for you at the portal.
[SIGHS]
I don't get it.
Why stay here?
You're just a waitress.
You could go back
to where you're admiral
of the space army or whatever.
I don't really
know what your job was, sorry.
I'm staying for her.
That little girl is
going to need somebody.
Her father wouldn't listen,
not even to his own daughter.
Yeah, but you're not.
What?
His daughter.
I mean, not here, not to him.
You're just Jen
from the Lobster Shack.
Maybe you should let her try.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
♪
Look, I gotta go.
He is a Hundo P not waiting for me.
Hey.
Did Harry ever tell you
what he's really planning
to use that device for?
♪
Oh, hi, Ms. McCallister.
That was one of my favorite
books when I was your age.
Everyone gave me baby books,
but my dad knew that
I was capable of more.
You saw that UFO, didn't you?
I I don't know.
I know you think that if you
tell your dad what you saw
that he might not believe you,
that things might never
be the same between you again.
How did you know that?
I was once a little girl too.
Lots of people will try
to take away your voice.
But you always have to tell the truth.
I know that you are very strong.
And right now,
you can share your strength
with your dad so that he
believes he saw what he saw.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
♪
Do you think you could
do that for both of us?
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
Dad?
I saw it too.
You did?
I believe you.
Oh, thank you, honey, for believing.
♪
Are you sure this is the right way?
Yes. Max said he found
some animal carcasses
near the Grady property.
[TENSE MUSIC]
Yup, here I am,
Max, just a normal unsupervised kid
in the woods alone at night,
who can see aliens.
I hope there's no monsters around.
I'm really helpless.
[SNARLING]
[SCREAMS]
Hey, stupid.
Looks like company's coming.
[GROWLS]
[CHITTERING]
- Oh!
- Lame catchphrase.
Here's mine.
Let me go.
[GROWLS]
[TRILLS]
Ow! Wait a minute.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[CHIRPING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[LAUGHS]
[GRUNTING]
What the hell?
Gross.
Huh?
Oh, hey, guys.
- You seen Harry?
- [COOS]
[SQUAWKS]
Why didn't you tell me
I was helping you destroy your people?
I think you would not have helped.
No, I wouldn't have. Good call.
I'm doing it to kill the Mantid,
to save earth, your planet.
Yeah, right.
One day as a human,
and you care so much
about the people of earth.
Yes.
You can't lie to a liar.
Look at me.
- Harry.
- Leave me alone.
I have to do this.
Yeah, to get your alien energy back.
Yes.
Ok, fine.
I need it back. I have to have it.
I am weak in this human body.
I am vulnerable. I am frightened.
Welcome to the club.
I'm nothing now.
You should understand.
You were an Olympic athlete.
What if you had a chance
to get that back?
Yeah, yeah.
I'd be tempted.
But not if it was going
to kill everyone on earth.
And if I was in that situation,
I would
I would want a friend
to talk me out of it.
I do not want you
to talk me out of it.
I don't want to feel like this.
I do not want to feel
like I am nothing.
I think you'll feel more
like nothing if you do this.
These are your people.
You can't just wipe 'em out.
But I will be me again.
But only you.
No one else in your race.
No connection.
Just floating at the end of nothing.
[SIGHS]
[GENTLE MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
Sometimes beings are forced
to acknowledge their history.
♪
[GRUNTS]
♪
And to recognize that
they are not separate from it,
but that it lives inside of them.
♪
Yeah, your cards are bad.
There's a couple of cards there.
Sometimes they get
to rewrite their history.
Take that one. I don't even need it.
I don't want that one.
I want I want this one over here.
Sometimes they avoid it entirely.
[CHUCKLES]
I spent my whole life
hating my younger self,
because she didn't do enough.
Maybe it's time to forgive her.
♪
You screwed everything up.
♪
[DOOR BELL JINGLES]
♪
Oh, hey, there's D'arcy.
♪
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Please. Give me my baby.
Hon, you okay?
She was there.
What?
[GASPS]
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
My history is one of being
a strong, proud alien,
and I chose to preserve that.
Now my story is
I am a human.
And a lactose-intolerant human.
But as humans like to say,
and I still do not know why,
it is what it is.
And I'm sure it will not be as bad.
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
Foot cramp. Foot cramp.
Ah, ah. [GROANS]
Honey, I'm home.
Heather.
I want you to meet your kids.
[ALL CHIRPING]
It's a shocking reveal ♪
And sometimes, our history
comes home to roost.
Oh.
sync & corrections awaqeded
The love in your voice
leaves me with a choice ♪
but I'm scared to cross ♪
can't decide for my life ♪
where my love resides ♪
got me weak in the knees ♪
and the pain still sings ♪