Shoresy (2022) s04e03 Episode Script
The Itch
1
The following program is
rated 18 plus and contains
scenes with coarse
language and mature themes.
Viewer discretion is advised.
How's it going with the pineapple pals?
Yeah, sure-sy.
Can I be a cum-clot companion?
Sure wish I had a green apple amigo
growing up.
I'd love to be cherry-traps with ya.
I know a young guy who could really use a
cranberry comrade.
You and me could have been papaya
partners.
Yeah, can girls be mulberry maids too,
or how does it work?
If my buddy wants in, should he wax his
eyebrows now, or can he do that later?
It's good to know if I
really want to make a
difference, I can join
the strawberry sidekicks.
I mean, someone's got to teach him to
exfoliate before applying self-tanner, right?
Think you'll ever find work as fulfilling
as being a star fruit friend?
I won't lie to you, Liam.
I'm having trouble finding my way around
the world.
I'm finding something as fulfilling as
hockey.
Oh yeah?
Yeah, but your mum offered up a threesome
with Cory's mum, so I'll give it a try.
I don't care.
I'll try anything right now.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
Fuck you, Liam.
I was really loving how affectionate your
mum was the other night, till I realized
she was just wiping her Dorito hands on
me.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
Fuck you, Cory.
Ask your mum why it feels like I'm pissing
Vic's VapoRub.
I didn't sign up for this.
Oh man, I can't believe it, Liam.
Last night I said no to sex, and your mum
called me a homophobic slur.
Shut up.
Yeah, I was so mad when
I dropped her off, I didn't
even wait to make sure
she got inside safely.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
Hey, Cory, did I tell you I'm ghostwriting
your mum's autobiography?
It's called How I Went From a Cold Hard
Ten to a Type Two Candidate.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
Fuck you, Liam.
I thought I'd seen everything,
but that was before I saw your mum rip a
fart off the bathtub floor while having a
sit-down shower.
Oh my god, Cory, your mum's so mean.
When I told her she needs to start
speaking my love language, she said that's
the single gayest thing I've ever heard in
my life.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
Fuck you, Liam.
I got in your mum's bed and she's such a
fucking pig.
There were two snails in there.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
Fuck you, Liam.
Last night your mum belched in my face.
I was so grossed out I couldn't even make
it to the toilet.
Just gooned one into the sink.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
Fuck you, Cory.
Your mum's mitt's so dank it's got
earwigs.
I thought it couldn't get any worse than
Liam's mum's bedbugs, but your mum had a
pubic hair so long I thought it was a
centipede.
Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, tell that to your mum, Liam.
The only time she shuts up is when she's
going to Mouthtown on my tush.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
For what?
For letting this all go to shit.
Me?
Yeah.
What?
Oh my god.
Fuck you, too.
For what?
Because you got us doing so much shit I
haven't gotten tubing all week.
I started the Blueberry Buddies program
under the assumption you would be leading it.
But oh no.
Sure-sy's on TV now.
He's under the bright lights.
He's on the big screen.
Look, I know this is
supposed to be serious, but
if you keep talking like
that I'm going to laugh.
This is life after hockey for you.
You're trying some new shit and I'm here
to support.
But while you're in
the big city getting your
makeup done, they're
back here fucking up.
Who?
The boys.
And the bi's.
The boy bi's.
What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Let's start with the bi's.
What?
Which ones are they again?
Oh my god.
The Bulldogs.
Right.
Hold up.
Know what the Bulldogs are doing with
their Blueberry Buddies?
Skating the shit out of them.
They're fucking their moms.
Are they?
Yes.
So?
So they're, they're moms.
Are they ugly?
This just nose-dived so fast.
No.
I wish I was a nose-dive.
I wish I was doving into a tube.
And the boys?
The Lakers.
The ones propellering their dicks around?
Helicoptering.
Why don't you ask them what they wore to
their toxic masculinity seminar?
Toxic masculinity seminar?
Toxic masculinity seminar.
Well it can't be any worse than the
Blueberry Buddies shirts.
Alright, so everybody listen up here now.
Madison.
Him?
Mason.
What's your name again?
Jack.
Short for Jackson.
Doesn't matter.
The shirts.
Our teammate Dubois faked mental illness
to get out of the condition.
So he wore the shirts to the toxic
masculinity seminar to call him out on it.
Yeah, let's start from the beginning here.
If we're starting from the beginning,
what is toxic masculinity should come
before what is a toxic masculinity
seminar?
Michael, let's control your guy.
Shut the fuck up, Caleb.
Toxic masculinity is like cultural pressure
for men and boys to act tough and secure.
Alright.
No.
That's not alright.
Why don't you want to act tough and
secure?
Because it leads to aggression and
dominance.
And homophobia.
Whoa!
Just kidding.
And homophobia.
Yeah.
That escalated quickly, boys.
Toxic masculinity is also rooted in
anti-femininity.
What's that mean?
He's not saying it right.
It's anti-fenonymity.
Anti-femininity.
Anti-femininity?
Anti-femininity.
What's it mean?
Well, as it pertains to toxic masculinity.
Don't act like a girl.
What?
What do the boys do if they don't want to
be toxic then?
Act like a girl.
That's pretty much it.
Is wearing matching shirts to the seminar
not early enough?
It's what's on the shirts.
Yeah.
Okay, that's gotta be girly enough.
Our buddy Dubois said
that he had bad mental
health because he didn't
want to go to the skate.
But we all know he's fine.
How do you know he's fine?
Because he was tubing on Long Lake with his
girlfriend while we were getting skated.
She's ugly too.
He's tubing.
Yeah, he put it on TikTok.
So I took the logo for
the Lakers, changed it
to Fakers, and then we
put his name on the back.
And then we all wore the shirts to the
toxic masculinity seminar.
Because we all know he's fine.
He's a diver.
Who cares?
This defiant act was deemed toxically
masculine.
At our toxic masculinity seminar.
Few broads on the TikTok too.
All ugly.
But in fairness, we've all done it before.
Don't what, ba?
What Dubois did and decided
poor mental health to go
to school or work or other
things we don't want to do.
You can say mental health and get anything
you want, really.
Really?
Got Dubois at the front of the line.
That's fucked up.
We are human after all.
Okay, so they round you all up.
They say you're not being a guy right
because you're not being a girl enough?
That's pretty much it.
And then your parents say, what the fuck's
going on here?
The denial of toxic masculinity in itself
is toxically masculine.
Fucking Putin, bomb us now, eh?
With respect to those
suffering from mental illness,
you can save yourself the
helicopter next time, Jackson.
Yeah, I know.
Just say you're sad about something like
Dubois.
Straight to the front of the line.
Carter.
He's Carter.
No, he isn't.
Yes, I am.
What's your name again?
Bad news.
No.
Only good news.
Give me some good news.
Korn's knee high by the 4th of July.
What's the bad news?
The boys were out shit-faced again.
Where?
Everywhere.
Including, but not limited to
The townhouse.
Wagon Wheel Ranch.
And Northern Ontario Railroad Museum.
For fuck's sakes!
Whoa.
I'd love if something went right this
off-season.
Key word.
Off-season.
That's two words.
Mm, that's one hyphenated word.
What else can go wrong?
Our reputation is going to shatter.
It's going to be shit.
Arguably gone.
The kids are choppering their dicks
around.
Helicoptering.
And the Blueberry Bulldogs are banging the
Blueberry Buddies' mom!
Shh!
You want them to hear you a peppy panini?
You're right.
Sorry.
This cannot get out.
They're fucking the moms?
Yeah.
Toute la gangue?
Yes.
The Blueberry Bulldogs are fucking the
mothers of their Blueberry Buddies.
These superfanning
to make a point can be
useful, but we should be
cautious not to overuse.
Are you exclusive?
Je sais pas trop.
Are you?
No.
We've never had a chat.
You?
He's not my boyfriend, but I definitely
wish he wasn't banging somebody else.
Are you banging somebody else?
Well That's none
of anybody's business.
Are you?
Un peu.
You?
Only like one guy.
You're sure?
Yeah.
T'es sûr?
Yes.
They're banging their Blueberry Buddies'
moms?
Thanks for dropping the hard F there.
I appreciate it.
It's my hang-up, not yours.
I'm still classy of you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's one time, grade four.
Actually, never mind.
Let's go knocking.
I made you!
You're fucking nothing without me!
What do you want?
I want to see how things work at Bro Dude.
Where's my lanyard?
What?
My lanyard.
What's a lanyard?
Every other TV Huh?
Every other TV studio gives you a lanyard.
Okay.
Shows the kind of rinky-dink station you
work for.
Uh-huh.
You're straight Mickey Mouse.
Yeah.
Strong identification's important.
It's a courtesy to the security team.
Okay.
Wearing a lanyard's the least you could do
for those guys.
All right.
It's the least you could do for those
guys.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up's stressful enough.
Know how hard those guys work?
No.
Yeah.
Right.
Don't expect you to think about the little
guys.
Grab me a coffee.
Shorty.
Caffeinated?
Not yet.
Grab me one, too.
That's the boss.
Joey Jordan.
Sudbury Kid Support Report.
Hi.
Combined social media following of nearly
1,200.
Currently between ages.
Who wants a lanyard?
No, I don't.
Fine.
Sure.
If you got one, I'll take it.
Can we chat?
Hey, feel free to jam right here.
I'm like a fly on the wall.
Last week was a real doozy.
Out of the frying pan and into the fire,
but you held your own in tough company.
You must be proud.
Don't care at all.
Since last week was so heavy, I thought
we'd keep things light today.
Just you and Anique.
Show's called Three on One.
It's just a name.
No.
You'll need a third man.
Wouldn't make sense.
Shorty.
Who cares?
I'm not known to appear
on camera without a
contract in place, but
you're in a real mess here.
I'll play ball.
Where's the makeup girl?
Who are you again?
Sudbury Talent Show.
Second runner-up.
I'll need the hair girl, too.
I'm not putting her on TV.
It's a web show.
Where's the wardrobe girl?
Shorty.
Who cares?
Welcome to Three on One, presented by Bro
Dude Energy.
I'm your host, Anique Archambault,
with the guy you all know as Shorzy.
And joining us today is a young man you
may not know.
They will soon.
They will soon.
From the Sud Better talk.
From the Sudbury Kidsport Report,
Jordan Jory.
What?
It's Jory Jordan.
What?
It's Jory Jordan.
No one cares.
Oh.
Not much between the ears.
That's why they call her All Boobs
Archambault.
Hey.
Let's keep it moving.
Honest mistake.
Yeah, sure.
Shut up.
My mom didn't give me this fine name of
Cornish origin so big boobs could bungle it.
It's wrong on your lanyard, too.
Oh, this is going great.
Yeah.
Thanks to the fumbled intro from Anique
Archambault.
All right.
What are we doing?
What are we talking about?
Today, we're going to rate the drip.
Rate the dip?
The drip.
What's the drip?
The fit, Shorzy.
The clothing.
Well, rate the dip is actually a really
good topic for hockey, but
You like a little lip dinger?
Just a big lip boomer.
Today, we're going to rate the players'
pregame style.
Their what?
What they wear to the rink.
Their clothes.
Their drip.
Just stick with the preferred lingo.
It's a branding thing, you fucking idiot.
We're going to talk about their clothes?
Oui, monsieur.
And up first is No.
No what?
Not doing it.
Don't fuck this up, asshole.
I'm not doing it.
Come on, Shorzy.
We're in the content game.
We're a hockey show.
Why are we talking about clothes?
The clo Huh?
The clothing of people who play sports.
I don't want to talk about clothes.
You want to get choked out on the world
wide web?
I'm not going to talk about clothes.
Shorzy, fine.
Sold out.
TV land, you got to move on the fly.
We can still save the bet.
Cut.
Quick, bring in the wardrobe girl,
who for some reason is a guy.
You already cut.
That was a disaster.
That was a disaster.
That was a disaster.
Let's get into some hard bar.
How old are you?
Don't be a pussy.
At least the boss got to see a real host
up there.
Got to think the clock's ticking for
Airhead Archambault.
Yeah.
I hearken back to the
hundreds of hours I've logged
for these chops and
she's up there eyeballing it.
At least you got your lanyard.
It's not even laminated.
Shut up.
I've seen more professionalism at a rub
and tug.
I don't care.
You don't care about what?
About any of it.
Are you serious?
No.
No?
No, I don't care about any of it.
I would kill to be I just
finished playing Senior Wales.
I play real shit hockey.
I ref a beer league.
Why am I on TV arguing with Sean Avery?
It's a web show.
Trying to be an expert on women's hockey.
You ever heard of Presley-Norby?
Now they got me talking about hockey
player clothes.
If you're seriously interested in a Rate
the Dip segment, I'll produce it.
We'll bootstrap it.
I don't care about any of this.
We'll put it in the baby pile.
You must really miss playing right about
now, eh?
It's the last thing in the world I wanna
be doing right now.
34 degrees and we're going into the ring.
Better change your attitude, Caleb.
Big action.
Big summer bag skate here, boys.
Big hot summer skate on deck here,
now!
You see Maria Mercier's tubing on Ramsay?
Maybe.
No, you're the only one who checks her story
every five minutes, you fucking lurker.
Tubing's so sick.
Didn't get the invite, eh, Jackie?
She probably found out you don't shower
after you exercise.
It's a real possibility.
This sucks.
This is where you check your attitude,
Caleb.
At the door.
I feel bad for them.
The game is changing.
It's about so many other things now.
Yeah, like anti-femimimity?
Anti-femininity?
I don't know, like toxic masculinity and
all that other stuff.
What other stuff?
Heteronormativity, acts of othering.
Hetero what's othering?
Never mind, don't say it.
I'm gonna blow my fucking head off.
What did they preach when you were a kid?
Don't hit from behind.
They used to just put the Timbits jerseys
on them and let them go.
Shit's gotten weird.
Just let the kids play.
Well, I don't know if anybody wants to
play in the middle of summer.
Yeah, no, you'd rather talk about it on
Bro Dude.
I don't know if I would.
Oh.
Yeah.
Couldn't scratch the itch.
That's why you should coach,
Schwarzenegger.
No.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
You don't know how I'm wired.
Oh, I think I know better than just about
anybody.
Like to just stand there and watch the
game.
Like to see the play happening and not
have the option to react to it.
To know I have zero effect on the game
whatsoever.
TV is where you have zero effect on the
game.
Why do you think you hate it?
With coaching, you're still boots on the
ground.
You're right there.
You can speak your reactions.
You can inspire.
I don't know if I can inspire.
Give your balls a tug.
No.
If it's not blades under my feet and
lumber in my hands.
Coach, Schwarzenegger, next season.
You don't listen to me.
And you work too much.
I've got an
It's so good I can't
That's all I want to do Ever
ending song of love for you Are you in
bed?
It's kind of late.
Well, then you shouldn't just be answering
your door all willy nilly.
I can see you on the doorbell camera.
Does that record?
Huh?
Yeah.
You've for sure seen me pick my nose out
here.
No, but I've seen you snot rocket like
some fucking Bushman.
That's disgusting.
What's up?
Well, you know, I was
just thinking about how
you told me I should hang
out with the guys more.
And I was thinking it might be because
Because you're scared.
That's what you were just thinking?
And I want you to know I get that.
I'm scared.
Damn it, I'm scared too, Laura.
What am I afraid of?
That you can't stop yourself from banging
me for a bit.
I'd bang you right here if I wanted to.
Well, it's so hot.
Even more because I know you're rolling
tape on it.
But you want to know something?
For sure.
I can go a long time without banging.
You're such a broad for saying that.
How are you doing with it?
Seriously, like, so bad.
Give your balls a tug.
What do I got to do?
Run a marathon.
I'll run you the best marathon you've ever
seen.
Okay, go.
You've never seen a marathon run so good.
I can't even focus right now.
Your eyebrows are so fucked up.
Did you cut them?
Bro dude did.
But after bro dude, you didn't cut your
eyebrows.
No.
You didn't cut your eyebrows?
No.
You didn't cut your eyebrows?
Well, fucking once.
Okay, come in.
I got to fix this.
Oh, okay.
Make sure you don't want to take your
shirt off again.
Yup.
Walk up the stairs seductively.
Remember that?
Yup.
All right.
Well, you've definitely been more
hospitable.
I'm not wearing a bra.
You're making it worse.
I don't think you're going back to bro
dude.
I don't know where to go.
Go where you need it.
Doesn't scratch the itch.
Well, you're done playing.
You can do anything you want.
That was kind of exciting.
I don't know what I want to do.
I know.
That's what I like about you.
Okay, you're done.
Go hit the bar with the boys.
I'm going to bed.
Why do you want to do this?
I want to see what you're made of.
I've been lost for a minute.
Don't see it when you're in it.
Show me what you're made of.
Well, hope has its beginning.
When I see my people running.
Get your shit off.
Let's go.
Where?
I found a place where I belong.
Summer in South Vegas or what?
It's anything but hockey.
Can we go now?
Yeah, so thanks for bringing me here and
putting me on TV.
It's a web show.
And for thinking I'm so entertaining and
likeable.
Never said likeable.
Come back anytime you're in the city.
Door's always open.
I'm haggard.
Worth it?
Yeah.
Beats the cold-ass, dry-ass rink.
I think I'm gonna kick back for a while.
Summer in South Vegas, baby.
You're right.
Too much hockey is a good way to stop
enjoying hockey.
That's what's up.
But Zeke said that.
Yo!
Yo!
There's a fire to put out.
The boys whirly-birding their dicks around
again?
Helicoptering?
No.
Were they drinking from the cup this time?
Including, but not limited to
Sudbury Cartways.
The original deluxe location.
And Canada's largest mural.
What's happening with Weird Sudbury?
Take a break.
A deal's a deal.
They're barely holding up their end of it.
Let's get that sorted, then it's summer in
South Vegas, home free.
Good news about that, actually.
There's a prospect party that happens
first.
So weird.
Good and weird.
And we're in.
Nice work, Zeke.
Wait, what's the bad news?
The gyms have gone rogue.
We're going to New York City forум.
They've got a good new suite.
We're going to the Barney's.
And you're going to the bar?
Of course, we have a meet and greet.
Can we practice the sound of the chair?
Sure.
All right.
Start it off and then we'll get back to
work.
And if you're coming up with a suggestion,
we'll get back to you.
And you too, pal.
All right.
The following program is
rated 18 plus and contains
scenes with coarse
language and mature themes.
Viewer discretion is advised.
How's it going with the pineapple pals?
Yeah, sure-sy.
Can I be a cum-clot companion?
Sure wish I had a green apple amigo
growing up.
I'd love to be cherry-traps with ya.
I know a young guy who could really use a
cranberry comrade.
You and me could have been papaya
partners.
Yeah, can girls be mulberry maids too,
or how does it work?
If my buddy wants in, should he wax his
eyebrows now, or can he do that later?
It's good to know if I
really want to make a
difference, I can join
the strawberry sidekicks.
I mean, someone's got to teach him to
exfoliate before applying self-tanner, right?
Think you'll ever find work as fulfilling
as being a star fruit friend?
I won't lie to you, Liam.
I'm having trouble finding my way around
the world.
I'm finding something as fulfilling as
hockey.
Oh yeah?
Yeah, but your mum offered up a threesome
with Cory's mum, so I'll give it a try.
I don't care.
I'll try anything right now.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
Fuck you, Liam.
I was really loving how affectionate your
mum was the other night, till I realized
she was just wiping her Dorito hands on
me.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
Fuck you, Cory.
Ask your mum why it feels like I'm pissing
Vic's VapoRub.
I didn't sign up for this.
Oh man, I can't believe it, Liam.
Last night I said no to sex, and your mum
called me a homophobic slur.
Shut up.
Yeah, I was so mad when
I dropped her off, I didn't
even wait to make sure
she got inside safely.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
Hey, Cory, did I tell you I'm ghostwriting
your mum's autobiography?
It's called How I Went From a Cold Hard
Ten to a Type Two Candidate.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
Fuck you, Liam.
I thought I'd seen everything,
but that was before I saw your mum rip a
fart off the bathtub floor while having a
sit-down shower.
Oh my god, Cory, your mum's so mean.
When I told her she needs to start
speaking my love language, she said that's
the single gayest thing I've ever heard in
my life.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
Fuck you, Liam.
I got in your mum's bed and she's such a
fucking pig.
There were two snails in there.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
Fuck you, Liam.
Last night your mum belched in my face.
I was so grossed out I couldn't even make
it to the toilet.
Just gooned one into the sink.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
Fuck you, Cory.
Your mum's mitt's so dank it's got
earwigs.
I thought it couldn't get any worse than
Liam's mum's bedbugs, but your mum had a
pubic hair so long I thought it was a
centipede.
Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, tell that to your mum, Liam.
The only time she shuts up is when she's
going to Mouthtown on my tush.
Fuck you, sure-sy.
For what?
For letting this all go to shit.
Me?
Yeah.
What?
Oh my god.
Fuck you, too.
For what?
Because you got us doing so much shit I
haven't gotten tubing all week.
I started the Blueberry Buddies program
under the assumption you would be leading it.
But oh no.
Sure-sy's on TV now.
He's under the bright lights.
He's on the big screen.
Look, I know this is
supposed to be serious, but
if you keep talking like
that I'm going to laugh.
This is life after hockey for you.
You're trying some new shit and I'm here
to support.
But while you're in
the big city getting your
makeup done, they're
back here fucking up.
Who?
The boys.
And the bi's.
The boy bi's.
What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Let's start with the bi's.
What?
Which ones are they again?
Oh my god.
The Bulldogs.
Right.
Hold up.
Know what the Bulldogs are doing with
their Blueberry Buddies?
Skating the shit out of them.
They're fucking their moms.
Are they?
Yes.
So?
So they're, they're moms.
Are they ugly?
This just nose-dived so fast.
No.
I wish I was a nose-dive.
I wish I was doving into a tube.
And the boys?
The Lakers.
The ones propellering their dicks around?
Helicoptering.
Why don't you ask them what they wore to
their toxic masculinity seminar?
Toxic masculinity seminar?
Toxic masculinity seminar.
Well it can't be any worse than the
Blueberry Buddies shirts.
Alright, so everybody listen up here now.
Madison.
Him?
Mason.
What's your name again?
Jack.
Short for Jackson.
Doesn't matter.
The shirts.
Our teammate Dubois faked mental illness
to get out of the condition.
So he wore the shirts to the toxic
masculinity seminar to call him out on it.
Yeah, let's start from the beginning here.
If we're starting from the beginning,
what is toxic masculinity should come
before what is a toxic masculinity
seminar?
Michael, let's control your guy.
Shut the fuck up, Caleb.
Toxic masculinity is like cultural pressure
for men and boys to act tough and secure.
Alright.
No.
That's not alright.
Why don't you want to act tough and
secure?
Because it leads to aggression and
dominance.
And homophobia.
Whoa!
Just kidding.
And homophobia.
Yeah.
That escalated quickly, boys.
Toxic masculinity is also rooted in
anti-femininity.
What's that mean?
He's not saying it right.
It's anti-fenonymity.
Anti-femininity.
Anti-femininity?
Anti-femininity.
What's it mean?
Well, as it pertains to toxic masculinity.
Don't act like a girl.
What?
What do the boys do if they don't want to
be toxic then?
Act like a girl.
That's pretty much it.
Is wearing matching shirts to the seminar
not early enough?
It's what's on the shirts.
Yeah.
Okay, that's gotta be girly enough.
Our buddy Dubois said
that he had bad mental
health because he didn't
want to go to the skate.
But we all know he's fine.
How do you know he's fine?
Because he was tubing on Long Lake with his
girlfriend while we were getting skated.
She's ugly too.
He's tubing.
Yeah, he put it on TikTok.
So I took the logo for
the Lakers, changed it
to Fakers, and then we
put his name on the back.
And then we all wore the shirts to the
toxic masculinity seminar.
Because we all know he's fine.
He's a diver.
Who cares?
This defiant act was deemed toxically
masculine.
At our toxic masculinity seminar.
Few broads on the TikTok too.
All ugly.
But in fairness, we've all done it before.
Don't what, ba?
What Dubois did and decided
poor mental health to go
to school or work or other
things we don't want to do.
You can say mental health and get anything
you want, really.
Really?
Got Dubois at the front of the line.
That's fucked up.
We are human after all.
Okay, so they round you all up.
They say you're not being a guy right
because you're not being a girl enough?
That's pretty much it.
And then your parents say, what the fuck's
going on here?
The denial of toxic masculinity in itself
is toxically masculine.
Fucking Putin, bomb us now, eh?
With respect to those
suffering from mental illness,
you can save yourself the
helicopter next time, Jackson.
Yeah, I know.
Just say you're sad about something like
Dubois.
Straight to the front of the line.
Carter.
He's Carter.
No, he isn't.
Yes, I am.
What's your name again?
Bad news.
No.
Only good news.
Give me some good news.
Korn's knee high by the 4th of July.
What's the bad news?
The boys were out shit-faced again.
Where?
Everywhere.
Including, but not limited to
The townhouse.
Wagon Wheel Ranch.
And Northern Ontario Railroad Museum.
For fuck's sakes!
Whoa.
I'd love if something went right this
off-season.
Key word.
Off-season.
That's two words.
Mm, that's one hyphenated word.
What else can go wrong?
Our reputation is going to shatter.
It's going to be shit.
Arguably gone.
The kids are choppering their dicks
around.
Helicoptering.
And the Blueberry Bulldogs are banging the
Blueberry Buddies' mom!
Shh!
You want them to hear you a peppy panini?
You're right.
Sorry.
This cannot get out.
They're fucking the moms?
Yeah.
Toute la gangue?
Yes.
The Blueberry Bulldogs are fucking the
mothers of their Blueberry Buddies.
These superfanning
to make a point can be
useful, but we should be
cautious not to overuse.
Are you exclusive?
Je sais pas trop.
Are you?
No.
We've never had a chat.
You?
He's not my boyfriend, but I definitely
wish he wasn't banging somebody else.
Are you banging somebody else?
Well That's none
of anybody's business.
Are you?
Un peu.
You?
Only like one guy.
You're sure?
Yeah.
T'es sûr?
Yes.
They're banging their Blueberry Buddies'
moms?
Thanks for dropping the hard F there.
I appreciate it.
It's my hang-up, not yours.
I'm still classy of you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's one time, grade four.
Actually, never mind.
Let's go knocking.
I made you!
You're fucking nothing without me!
What do you want?
I want to see how things work at Bro Dude.
Where's my lanyard?
What?
My lanyard.
What's a lanyard?
Every other TV Huh?
Every other TV studio gives you a lanyard.
Okay.
Shows the kind of rinky-dink station you
work for.
Uh-huh.
You're straight Mickey Mouse.
Yeah.
Strong identification's important.
It's a courtesy to the security team.
Okay.
Wearing a lanyard's the least you could do
for those guys.
All right.
It's the least you could do for those
guys.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up's stressful enough.
Know how hard those guys work?
No.
Yeah.
Right.
Don't expect you to think about the little
guys.
Grab me a coffee.
Shorty.
Caffeinated?
Not yet.
Grab me one, too.
That's the boss.
Joey Jordan.
Sudbury Kid Support Report.
Hi.
Combined social media following of nearly
1,200.
Currently between ages.
Who wants a lanyard?
No, I don't.
Fine.
Sure.
If you got one, I'll take it.
Can we chat?
Hey, feel free to jam right here.
I'm like a fly on the wall.
Last week was a real doozy.
Out of the frying pan and into the fire,
but you held your own in tough company.
You must be proud.
Don't care at all.
Since last week was so heavy, I thought
we'd keep things light today.
Just you and Anique.
Show's called Three on One.
It's just a name.
No.
You'll need a third man.
Wouldn't make sense.
Shorty.
Who cares?
I'm not known to appear
on camera without a
contract in place, but
you're in a real mess here.
I'll play ball.
Where's the makeup girl?
Who are you again?
Sudbury Talent Show.
Second runner-up.
I'll need the hair girl, too.
I'm not putting her on TV.
It's a web show.
Where's the wardrobe girl?
Shorty.
Who cares?
Welcome to Three on One, presented by Bro
Dude Energy.
I'm your host, Anique Archambault,
with the guy you all know as Shorzy.
And joining us today is a young man you
may not know.
They will soon.
They will soon.
From the Sud Better talk.
From the Sudbury Kidsport Report,
Jordan Jory.
What?
It's Jory Jordan.
What?
It's Jory Jordan.
No one cares.
Oh.
Not much between the ears.
That's why they call her All Boobs
Archambault.
Hey.
Let's keep it moving.
Honest mistake.
Yeah, sure.
Shut up.
My mom didn't give me this fine name of
Cornish origin so big boobs could bungle it.
It's wrong on your lanyard, too.
Oh, this is going great.
Yeah.
Thanks to the fumbled intro from Anique
Archambault.
All right.
What are we doing?
What are we talking about?
Today, we're going to rate the drip.
Rate the dip?
The drip.
What's the drip?
The fit, Shorzy.
The clothing.
Well, rate the dip is actually a really
good topic for hockey, but
You like a little lip dinger?
Just a big lip boomer.
Today, we're going to rate the players'
pregame style.
Their what?
What they wear to the rink.
Their clothes.
Their drip.
Just stick with the preferred lingo.
It's a branding thing, you fucking idiot.
We're going to talk about their clothes?
Oui, monsieur.
And up first is No.
No what?
Not doing it.
Don't fuck this up, asshole.
I'm not doing it.
Come on, Shorzy.
We're in the content game.
We're a hockey show.
Why are we talking about clothes?
The clo Huh?
The clothing of people who play sports.
I don't want to talk about clothes.
You want to get choked out on the world
wide web?
I'm not going to talk about clothes.
Shorzy, fine.
Sold out.
TV land, you got to move on the fly.
We can still save the bet.
Cut.
Quick, bring in the wardrobe girl,
who for some reason is a guy.
You already cut.
That was a disaster.
That was a disaster.
That was a disaster.
Let's get into some hard bar.
How old are you?
Don't be a pussy.
At least the boss got to see a real host
up there.
Got to think the clock's ticking for
Airhead Archambault.
Yeah.
I hearken back to the
hundreds of hours I've logged
for these chops and
she's up there eyeballing it.
At least you got your lanyard.
It's not even laminated.
Shut up.
I've seen more professionalism at a rub
and tug.
I don't care.
You don't care about what?
About any of it.
Are you serious?
No.
No?
No, I don't care about any of it.
I would kill to be I just
finished playing Senior Wales.
I play real shit hockey.
I ref a beer league.
Why am I on TV arguing with Sean Avery?
It's a web show.
Trying to be an expert on women's hockey.
You ever heard of Presley-Norby?
Now they got me talking about hockey
player clothes.
If you're seriously interested in a Rate
the Dip segment, I'll produce it.
We'll bootstrap it.
I don't care about any of this.
We'll put it in the baby pile.
You must really miss playing right about
now, eh?
It's the last thing in the world I wanna
be doing right now.
34 degrees and we're going into the ring.
Better change your attitude, Caleb.
Big action.
Big summer bag skate here, boys.
Big hot summer skate on deck here,
now!
You see Maria Mercier's tubing on Ramsay?
Maybe.
No, you're the only one who checks her story
every five minutes, you fucking lurker.
Tubing's so sick.
Didn't get the invite, eh, Jackie?
She probably found out you don't shower
after you exercise.
It's a real possibility.
This sucks.
This is where you check your attitude,
Caleb.
At the door.
I feel bad for them.
The game is changing.
It's about so many other things now.
Yeah, like anti-femimimity?
Anti-femininity?
I don't know, like toxic masculinity and
all that other stuff.
What other stuff?
Heteronormativity, acts of othering.
Hetero what's othering?
Never mind, don't say it.
I'm gonna blow my fucking head off.
What did they preach when you were a kid?
Don't hit from behind.
They used to just put the Timbits jerseys
on them and let them go.
Shit's gotten weird.
Just let the kids play.
Well, I don't know if anybody wants to
play in the middle of summer.
Yeah, no, you'd rather talk about it on
Bro Dude.
I don't know if I would.
Oh.
Yeah.
Couldn't scratch the itch.
That's why you should coach,
Schwarzenegger.
No.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
You don't know how I'm wired.
Oh, I think I know better than just about
anybody.
Like to just stand there and watch the
game.
Like to see the play happening and not
have the option to react to it.
To know I have zero effect on the game
whatsoever.
TV is where you have zero effect on the
game.
Why do you think you hate it?
With coaching, you're still boots on the
ground.
You're right there.
You can speak your reactions.
You can inspire.
I don't know if I can inspire.
Give your balls a tug.
No.
If it's not blades under my feet and
lumber in my hands.
Coach, Schwarzenegger, next season.
You don't listen to me.
And you work too much.
I've got an
It's so good I can't
That's all I want to do Ever
ending song of love for you Are you in
bed?
It's kind of late.
Well, then you shouldn't just be answering
your door all willy nilly.
I can see you on the doorbell camera.
Does that record?
Huh?
Yeah.
You've for sure seen me pick my nose out
here.
No, but I've seen you snot rocket like
some fucking Bushman.
That's disgusting.
What's up?
Well, you know, I was
just thinking about how
you told me I should hang
out with the guys more.
And I was thinking it might be because
Because you're scared.
That's what you were just thinking?
And I want you to know I get that.
I'm scared.
Damn it, I'm scared too, Laura.
What am I afraid of?
That you can't stop yourself from banging
me for a bit.
I'd bang you right here if I wanted to.
Well, it's so hot.
Even more because I know you're rolling
tape on it.
But you want to know something?
For sure.
I can go a long time without banging.
You're such a broad for saying that.
How are you doing with it?
Seriously, like, so bad.
Give your balls a tug.
What do I got to do?
Run a marathon.
I'll run you the best marathon you've ever
seen.
Okay, go.
You've never seen a marathon run so good.
I can't even focus right now.
Your eyebrows are so fucked up.
Did you cut them?
Bro dude did.
But after bro dude, you didn't cut your
eyebrows.
No.
You didn't cut your eyebrows?
No.
You didn't cut your eyebrows?
Well, fucking once.
Okay, come in.
I got to fix this.
Oh, okay.
Make sure you don't want to take your
shirt off again.
Yup.
Walk up the stairs seductively.
Remember that?
Yup.
All right.
Well, you've definitely been more
hospitable.
I'm not wearing a bra.
You're making it worse.
I don't think you're going back to bro
dude.
I don't know where to go.
Go where you need it.
Doesn't scratch the itch.
Well, you're done playing.
You can do anything you want.
That was kind of exciting.
I don't know what I want to do.
I know.
That's what I like about you.
Okay, you're done.
Go hit the bar with the boys.
I'm going to bed.
Why do you want to do this?
I want to see what you're made of.
I've been lost for a minute.
Don't see it when you're in it.
Show me what you're made of.
Well, hope has its beginning.
When I see my people running.
Get your shit off.
Let's go.
Where?
I found a place where I belong.
Summer in South Vegas or what?
It's anything but hockey.
Can we go now?
Yeah, so thanks for bringing me here and
putting me on TV.
It's a web show.
And for thinking I'm so entertaining and
likeable.
Never said likeable.
Come back anytime you're in the city.
Door's always open.
I'm haggard.
Worth it?
Yeah.
Beats the cold-ass, dry-ass rink.
I think I'm gonna kick back for a while.
Summer in South Vegas, baby.
You're right.
Too much hockey is a good way to stop
enjoying hockey.
That's what's up.
But Zeke said that.
Yo!
Yo!
There's a fire to put out.
The boys whirly-birding their dicks around
again?
Helicoptering?
No.
Were they drinking from the cup this time?
Including, but not limited to
Sudbury Cartways.
The original deluxe location.
And Canada's largest mural.
What's happening with Weird Sudbury?
Take a break.
A deal's a deal.
They're barely holding up their end of it.
Let's get that sorted, then it's summer in
South Vegas, home free.
Good news about that, actually.
There's a prospect party that happens
first.
So weird.
Good and weird.
And we're in.
Nice work, Zeke.
Wait, what's the bad news?
The gyms have gone rogue.
We're going to New York City forум.
They've got a good new suite.
We're going to the Barney's.
And you're going to the bar?
Of course, we have a meet and greet.
Can we practice the sound of the chair?
Sure.
All right.
Start it off and then we'll get back to
work.
And if you're coming up with a suggestion,
we'll get back to you.
And you too, pal.
All right.