Ted Lasso (2020) s04e03 Episode Script

1
Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! [INHALES]
Fuck!
[WHIMPERS, INHALES]
I can't believe I'm pregnant.
Congratulations.
- It's our first team baby.
- How about that?
The only thing we care about
is your health and happiness.
Well, this is a fucking disaster.
First game is on Saturday, and
we are now down to zero strikers.
Yeah, well, at least it's a friendly.
What the heck?
There we go. Okay.
Let's think about this.
Come on. Uh, all right.
- Alice, do you know anybody?
- Yeah. But no.
Ooh, I'm intrigued. Go on.
Well, I played with this striker,
Gemma, who would be great.
- Great!
- But she quit a couple of years ago
- to study law.
- I object.
Plus she'd never play for Richmond.
Oh, okay. Well, how about
you give her a shout anyway.
See what's what, you
know? It's worth a shot.
Fine, yeah, but we'd have better
luck getting players off the street.
- Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
- Ooh.
Now that's an interesting idea.
- You're talking about open tryouts.
- Oh, I was joking.
Maybe we'll find a janitor
who's a mathematical genius.
Yeah. Or a, uh, coal miner's
son who's a ballet prodigy.
Or a Susan Boyle.
Nice.
What's a Susan Boyle?
Is that what British
folks call skin tags?
[STAMMERS] It's a
I have to look up your references,
you have to look up mine.
Fair, fair. Okay. Sounds
like we're doing open tryouts.
I'll let Rebecca know.
- [CHILTON] What [STAMMERS] No
- Great idea, Coach.
Well, I [STAMMERS] I-I was joking.
I-I was joking!
- [EXHALES] Oh, Ted.
- Yep.
What are you doing down there?
Oh, just reminding myself
about the value of knocking.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- [TED] Wait.
Is that the man, the myth, the Matthijs?
- Mmm!
- [CHUCKLES]
Captain, you are clear
for landing a big old hug.
- Come here, man.
- Oh! [LAUGHS]
- I warned you he lacks boundaries.
- Oh, boy.
What brings you to AFC Richmond?
Well, I just landed and
thought it would be fun
to come and have sex
in Rebecca's office,
and then you crashed into the door.
- Oh, yeah.
- I warned you he was blunt.
Oh, I love blunt people.
They're like those
maps at shopping malls.
You always know exactly where you stand.
[CHUCKLES] Right, Ted. What do you need?
Oh, yeah. We're down
a couple of players,
so we'd love to have open tryouts.
Just hoping to find
some undiscovered talent.
- Oh, like a Susan Boyle.
- What the
[STAMMERS] Open tryouts?
That seems a bit silly.
Well, it was Coach Chilton's idea.
And I love it. Let's do it.
- Okay. Yeah, absolutely.
- Thank you so much.
- Matthijs. I didn't know you were coming.
- Hello.
No one will be at this rate.
Keeley, what do you need?
I want everything to be perfect
for the match this Saturday.
- Yep.
- So I'm thinking rally towels
- like they do in the US.
- Ooh.
Yeah, imagine the fans waving red
and blue towels in celebration.
- Oh, it's priceless.
- How priceless?
- £4,000.
- No.
Well, I may have purchased
them with my own money,
hoping you would say yes.
Right, you know the old saying,
"It's the hope that
has you down £4,000"?
- No.
- [MOUTHING] Nope.
Who's excited for the
shareholders' meeting tonight?
- No. Right, we're done.
- Oh. Okay.
- Thank you so much. Bye-bye.
- Okay.
- Good to see you, Matthijs.
- Yeah, nice to meet ya, Matthijs.
- Ground control to Major Hunk.
- Oh, shut up.
- [TED GRUNTS]
- [SIGHS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Good evening, and welcome
to the first AFC Richmond
Shareholders' Meeting of the season.
- [CHEERING]
- [HIGGINS] Welcome back.
Great to see you all again,
especially the Milk sisters.
Where would we be without you?
Starting us off is our
Richmond men's coach
to give us an in-depth
peek at the team. Roy Kent.
- [CHEERING]
- [FAN 1] He's here! He's here!
- [WHOOPING]
- Roy Kent! Roy Kent!
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
Two wins, one loss, played
like shit in all of them.
We'll see what fucking happens.
Ooh! [CHUCKLES]
Concise as always.
- Any questions for Coach Kent?
- [CLAMORING]
[GROWLS]
[GROANS] You. Fucking Marty McFly.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Uh, yeah, Roy. I was just wondering
What did you fucking call me?
Uh, sorry, uh, Coach Kent.
What?
[CLEARS THROAT] Uh, your
contract ends this season.
Have you given any thought
about your future at Richmond?
Have I given it any thought?
Yeah.
Have you given any
thought about the fact
that it's none of your fucking business?
[CROWD CHUCKLING, MURMURING]
Anyone else?
Great.
Uh, okay. I guess that's all.
And now for the first time
in Richmond football history,
we will be discussing
the Richmond women's team.
[APPLAUDING, CHATTERING]
[APPLAUDING ENDS]
Uh [STAMMERS] Where-where
are you going, Ed?
We-We're not done yet.
- Hello, hello? Yeah, is this mic on?
- Oi.
[WHISTLES] Sit down!
Thank you.
Up first, we have our
Chief Marketing Officer,
- Keeley Jones.
- [APPLAUSE]
- Thank you.
- [WOLF WHISTLES]
[CROWD MEMBERS LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLES] Hello, Richmond.
This has been three years in the
making, and we are finally here.
The Lady Greyhounds. [WHOOPS]
- [WHOOPS]
- [WHOOPS]
[YAWNS]
And we are going to be kicking
things off this Saturday
with a friendly against
Hayes and Yeading.
Who fucking cares?
[LAUGHING]
Shut it.
I care.
And I'm sure that a lot
of you in this room do too,
which is why I would like
you to be the first to know
our sponsor for the
men's team, Pinter & Sons,
is also sponsoring the
women's team this year.
- Won't be around past a year.
- [SNICKERS]
I disagree. I actually
think with your support
that this could be the
beginning of an amazing legacy.
That's not what the report said.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Report? I'm sorry, I
don't know What report?
[FAN 2] The one that's
going around online.
Clearly you're not on
the Richmond subreddit.
[CHUCKLES] I'm not, no.
And, um, I assure you,
no one on this stage knows
anything about a report.
Then why does it have his name on it?
- [CROWD MURMURING]
- Uh.
[GAGS]
Um, yes, that one.
I haven't had the time to read
it through line by line yet.
This is amateur. We're trying to take
the men's team to the Champions League.
- What are we wasting money on this for?
- [CLAMORING]
The ladies' league is
exactly why Jamie Tartt left.
[CLAMORING CONTINUES]
Richmond women deserve to be here.
[CLAMORING CONTINUES]
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Right. Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. [SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SENDING TONE CHIMES]
[PHONE CHIMES]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
- [LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS]
- [GASPS] Susan Boyle!
- Huh?
- You slept through our dinner plans.
What?
Mattie, I'm so sorry.
[STAMMERS, SIGHS] I can't
get anything right tonight.
Oh, it's okay. I made a new reservation
for an early dinner tomorrow.
- Oh, that's nice.
- And I had to
'cause the waiter
doesn't think you exist.
Which is actually better than the truth
that I got stood up by my girlfriend.
My real girlfriend.
Sorry.
But don't worry, I'll make it up to you.
- Wait, I'm the one that fucked up.
- Oh, I know.
But I'll make it up to you.
[HENRY] Ugh, this is
impossible. I can't get it!
[TED] I got you, bud.
Okay, here we go.
Here, turn and face me.
I'm gonna be your mirror. Okay?
Here, pop that up first. Like that.
Why do we have to wear uniforms anyways?
Well, wearing a uniform can help
create a sense of community and pride,
like you're a part of
something bigger than yourself.
It's the same reason why teams
wear uniforms, right, yeah?
And I think the other
part is that it, uh,
helps y'all kids not focus
on things like social status
and, uh, appearances and whatnot.
But then how do uniforms
cancel out stuff like, uh,
height and bone structure
and generational wealth?
Mm-hmm. No, I hear what you're
saying. It's a good question,
but, you know, if you're gonna
start pulling that string,
heck, they also stifle creativity,
self-expression and individuality.
- Hmm.
- But y'all do look so darn cute.
[TED CHUCKLES]
Stop slowing down. My knee's fine.
I know it bugs you in the morning.
I told you my friend's a specialist.
She'll see you whenever you want.
Both of you leave me alone.
You should be worrying
about your first day
and why you're dressed like that.
Who's your principal? Elton John?
It's Sir Elton John.
And I did this myself.
It's called pizzazz, Uncle Roy.
And considering your
wardrobe, you could use some.
It's called minimalism, Phoebe.
He's been dressing like he's part
of the Mission Impossible franchise
since he was about 14.
- Yeah.
- Well,
I made these for you for your
match on Saturday. For good luck.
They've got fucking sparkles.
And I love them so much.
Thank you, Phoebe.
You should see what I'm
wearing to the Richmond match.
My football team's having a sleepover,
- and we're all making our own shirts.
- Oh. Are you coming to Manchester?
No. The Richmond match in Richmond.
Oh, you mean the women's match.
Both teams are Richmond.
I know. It's just when
someone says Richmond,
they're usually referring to the team
that's existed for over a century.
- Uh-oh.
- And what's that supposed to mean?
Hey, look who it is.
- Morning.
- Hi, Ted.
- Hi, Henry.
- Phoebe.
- Hi.
- I like your tie.
- Oh, thank you. Tied it myself.
- Cool.
If you need any help
today, just find me.
I kicked three boys in the
balls in primary school,
so I'm kind of untouchable.
Oh. N-Nice.
- Bye, Mum.
- Bye.
- Bye, Coach.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Bye, Roy.
- [GRUNTS]
- Come on, Henry.
- Bye, Dad.
See ya, big guy.
- So, Roy, what's the square footage like?
- What?
Of the doghouse that
Phoebe's got you in.
- That's right. Well done.
- Ah.
- Fuck off.
- Thank you.
["LADIES FIRST" PLAYING]
[GRUNTS]
[PLAYERS CLAMORING]
Oh, I'll get it, I'll get it.
[EXCLAIMING]
Well done, Gemma.
- [CLAMORING]
- Give me. Give me.
[PLAYER] Go, Gemma!
[PLAYERS EXCLAIMING]
[CHILTON CLEARS THROAT]
[MUSIC ENDS]
- See you.
- Catch you later.
- Next week. Bye, guys.
- Bye.
[KNOCKS AT DOOR]
Did you see my email?
Uh, no, not yet.
Oh, bollocks.
I was hoping you had so I wouldn't
have to tell you in person.
Pinter & Sons are pulling their
sponsorship of the women's team.
What?
Apparently the shareholders' meeting
spooked members of their board.
- Good morning.
- [SOFTLY] Fuck's sake.
- [NORMAL] Hi. Morning.
- Is everything okay?
Yes. We were just saying how
sorry we are, um, about last night.
And, um, by way of an apology
for not telling you about
the Higgins report
- It's not called that.
- we wondered if this would suffice.
Ooh!
[SIGHS]
- Thank you.
- Mmm.
Do you have the receipt?
- Oh. Don't you like it?
- I love it.
I'm gonna reimburse myself
for the rally towels that
you said no to yesterday.
- Well played.
- So I read the full report last night.
In one night?
It was right. Starting a
women's football team is a risk,
but what that report did not
take into consideration was us.
Us and the Richmond Way.
We can do this.
But everything has to be perfect,
and we need to do this together.
So please, no more secrets.
I need you to tell me everything, okay?
Pinter & Sons are
pulling their sponsorship.
Why would you fucking tell me that?
[SHOW TUNES MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC ENDS]
Name?
Name.
Uh, Lizzie Davis.
Or Elizabeth Davis or, uh, Lizzie.
- Which is it?
- Lizzie.
- Position?
- I'm a center back.
Hello.
Yeah, sorry. Um
This was a-a spontaneous decision
for me, and I couldn't get childcare.
So here we are.
[CLICKS TONGUE] My mom was a bartender.
Used to take me to work
with her all the time.
Told me shot glasses were kids' cups.
Good luck.
Name?
Thank you for the opportunity
to play for you today.
My name is Maria Rojas,
and I am from Guadalajara.
Rojas as in "Dani Rojas"?
Sí. He's my brother.
He taught me everything I know.
Good luck.
Thank you.
[CHUCKLING] Whoo! Go figure.
Step right up, step right up. Hi.
So, Elaine Pinter is no-nonsense,
but I know how to handle her.
You just need to be
assertive and direct.
- [ELAINE] Good afternoon, Rebecca.
- Elaine, hello. I'm calling because I
[ELAINE] No "how are
you?" Just jump right in.
Is that how people do business
these days, void of civility?
Apologies. [STAMMERS] H-How are you?
[ELAINE] No need to placate me.
I assume you're calling because you
heard I'm reconsidering the sponsorship.
Yes, and we both feel that
would be a huge mistake.
[ELAINE] Sorry, who's talking?
This is Keeley Jones,
Chief Marketing Officer.
[ELAINE] Rebecca, I do think these
things are best discussed in person,
one-on-one.
I'm in the office till 5:00.
- [CALL ENDS]
- [SCOFFS]
Oh, shit. Shit, I screwed that up.
No, no, no, we're all in this
together. I can handle her.
These CEOs are a peculiar breed.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Um,
where are the offices?
Canary Wharf.
Oh, fuck me!
You're never gonna see me again.
[SIGHS]
- [SIGHS]
- [SIGHS]
[CHILTON] This is useless.
We're never gonna find
anyone decent this way.
I got to say, Coach,
you're being a little tough on
something that was your idea.
It wasn't an idea. It was a joke.
Yeah, well, shoot, I bet all sorts
of good ideas start out as jokes.
You've got to think the
first fella that ate an egg
was just doing it to make
his buddies laugh, right?
What?
Okay, this is everybody, uh,
including a late surprise entry
who might solve all of our problems.
An ace in the hole.
- Wait.
- Uh-huh.
- Is she?
- Uh-huh.
- 'Cause he was
- [VOCALIZES]
- And we need Plus the hair?
- [LAUGHING]
- Yes! [LAUGHS]
- Uh, which one is she?
- Yes, Jessie. [CHUCKLING]
- Never mind.
[CHUCKLES]
- [TRAINEE 1] Let's go. We can do it.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Whoo!
- [TRAINEE 2] Yeah. Go.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Office is looking great.
Thank you. It looks good, right?
I always loved that article.
Hmm.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Listen, uh,
they were some real
fuck-knuckle bellends last night.
[CHUCKLES]
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm good, thanks.
I'm a woman perpetually online,
so a bunch of men saying mean
things to me is nothing new.
Well, these are your fans now.
You gotta make 'em happy.
Why?
- I was making a joke. I was just
- [PHONE RINGING]
Oh, s [STAMMERS] I really
should take this, sorry.
- Yeah.
- Hello.
- This is her. Yes, I saw your quote.
- [GROANS] Fuck.
I just have some questions.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Come on in, y'all!
That's it, gather round.
Gather ye rosebuds.
All right. First things first, I
wanna thank y'all for coming out.
You know, I know we got
folks from all over the place.
Anybody here local? Anybody
from Richmond? Okay, great, good.
Hey, Shannon. Good to see you.
- You too, Ted.
- [TED] All right now.
Okay, well, here's the skinny, okay?
We're looking for two players,
a couple of diamonds in the rough
that got the right stuff.
All you gotta do today is play hard,
have fun, we'll see what's what.
- Is that cool?
- [TRAINEES] Yes!
Okay, great. Everybody
line up on the sideline.
- Touchline.
- Touchline.
Holy moly. Pretty big turnout, yeah?
- [COACH BEARD] Yeah.
- [TED] This might take a while.
No, it won't. [CLEARS THROAT]
Right. Down and back as fast as you can!
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Oh. Oh, boy.
Ooh, fit to run.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
They're dropping like flies.
- [COACH BEARD] Forty-six.
- [TRAINEE PANTING]
Oh, here we go.
- That was close.
- You were.
- [TRAINEES PANTING, GROANING]
- Okay. Hmm.
Yeah, no. I see what you mean. Hmm.
- You're right, that makes things easier.
- Nope. [STAMMERS]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [GRUNTING]
- Oh, my God.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[COACH BEARD] Forty-two.
- [GRUNTS]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
Go home, love.
[GRUNTING]
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Buckle your seat belts.
[TRAINEES MURMURING]
Oh.
- [COACH BEARD] Oh, that's just nerves.
- Right, yeah.
That's okay. Give it
another crack, Maria!
- [GRUNTING]
- [TED] Ooh. Okay.
Well, I fear the apple may have
fallen a bit too far from the old tree.
And right off a cliff
into the depths of hell.
- Maria!
- Yes?
Um, you said your brother
taught you everything he knows.
Sí. Cooking, photography,
software engineering.
You name it, I know it.
Football. Did he teach you football?
Nope, it's my first time. [CHUCKLES]
But football is life.
No, dumb-dumb.
Life is so much more than football.
- So true.
- [CHUCKLES]
Not as catchy, but true.
- Come in.
- Ms. Jones, good afternoon.
I just wanna say that
everything's absolutely fine.
Oh, no, June, what is it?
Nothing. Just a little
bump in the road is all.
- A hiccup, really.
- June.
I'm sorry, I find it hard
telling people bad news.
It's okay. Come here.
You can always tell me.
Okay.
The kits for the match this Saturday
haven't arrived yet,
and I tried calling,
but the man on the phone
was being less than helpful.
Fuck.
[STAMMERS] Well, I wouldn't
categorize that as a hiccup.
Um, it's gonna be okay.
Yeah, 'cause we're a team, and
I am gonna take care of this.
And that's why I love
having you as a mentor.
- Oh.
- You know,
I'd love to have coffee and
pick your brain sometime.
What an interesting time to ask that.
Yeah.
Mister?
- Hi.
- Are you strong?
Am I strong?
I mean, mentally or physically?
Kind of depends on the quality
of sleep I had the night before.
Oh, yeah, I can help you out here.
Sure. [GRUNTS]
Taxes.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Hmm. Who the hell is that?
Yours, Niamh. Press,
press, press! What
Mind your own man, yeah? You prick!
- Don't fucking come for me like that.
- Get off.
- Here we go again. Uh-oh.
- Jesus.
Twin fight, yes! Come on!
- Hit her very hard in her face!
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
- Don't you get in my face.
- Time's up. Niamh, shush.
- Niamh, you should've pressed.
- Ha!
- And Siobhan Uh-uh. Don't do it.
- But
You shouldn't be yelling at her when
you're supposed to be defending
- What Exactly
- Uh-uh-uh, no, stop.
- Just stop! Just shut up. Stop.
- Okay. Yeah.
[LIZZIE] Let's work as twins.
Let's work as a team, okay?
Interesting.
[LIZZIE] Good? Okay, crack on.
- Know your jobs. No. Uh-uh-uh!
- Don't be shouting at me next time, yeah?
Yeah, okay.
[PLAYER] Here, here, here, here.
- No. No.
- [SIGHS]
Wait, no, hold-hold on.
Let's just keep an eye on her.
Thank you.
- Elaine.
- Rebecca.
Oh, your granddaughters look beautiful.
That's my grandson on the far right.
Oh, so it is.
My apologies. [CHUCKLES]
You know, Pinter & Sons,
I've always wondered, any relation
to the playwright, Harold Pinter?
No.
No, I didn't think so.
Rebecca, we're happy to continue
sponsoring the men's team,
but I have my concerns about
the now apparent animosity
towards your women's team.
Animosity?
You people bankroll wars.
Wars are profitable.
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
All right, so what are we doing?
Two names left on the list
that haven't been crossed out.
Okay.
[COACH BEARD] Lizzie, by far the
best player but not a striker.
And Shannon, not the best
player and not a striker.
Boy. Life is just full of
tough choices, ain't it?
- Hmm.
- Yeah. Okay.
Those in favor of Shannon?
Okay, interesting. All right.
Uh, what about Lizzie?
All right. Mm-hmm.
Hey, Lizzie. You got a sec?
Yeah.
Hey, you just stay there,
okay? Just stay there.
I'll be two seconds. Good boy.
[TED CLEARS THROAT]
Hiya.
I just wanted to say that I really
appreciate you considering me,
and I found that really fun, even
if it was just for an afternoon.
Yeah, well, get ready to
have a whole bunch more fun
'cause we'd love to
have you on the team.
- No.
- Yep.
- No.
- Yep.
- [LIZZIE] Really?
- Yes.
Practice is tomorrow at 8:00.
No kids.
Welcome to Richmond.
All right, thank you.
Did you make it?
Yeah, I did. Isn't that cool?
[CHUCKLES] Oh, God. You
nearly knocked me over.
Should we go home? Yeah.
Come on. Let's go.
Last shot for Shannon.
She's just not ready yet, Coach.
Yeah, and women's
football is not a charity.
Right, okay.
All right, well, I'll,
uh I'll let her know.
Shannon.
And you know, it's better
if she hears it from him.
He's good at this stuff.
Not like me.
I've broken a lot of hearts out there.
[CHUCKLES]
- [SHANNON] Thank you, thank you.
- What?
- [SHANNON] Seriously, thank you.
- [TED] Thank you.
- Seriously. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES] I won't
let you down. I won't.
Welcome to Richmond!
[SHANNON CHUCKLES]
She won't let you down.
We still don't have a striker.
Yeah, okay, we'll find one.
What, uh What about what's her name?
- Gemma.
- Yeah, Gemma. What'd she say?
- She wouldn't even talk to me.
- So not no.
Well, only way to know if it's a
no, is if we go get a no, so we know.
- What?
- You two are going on a field trip.
- Yep, tomorrow morning.
- [MOUTHING] Fuck.
Oh, come on, it's worth a shot.
Besides, second time's a charm.
It's "third time's a charm."
Yeah, we don't have that kinda time.
I hear your concerns and
I understand them, I do,
but what the report doesn't
include is what I believe
that this team,
given a chance, could be truly great.
We don't invest in chance.
But that's what sport is.
That's what life is, isn't
it? A series of chances.
The chance for you to run this company,
a chance for you to start a family.
We took a chance creating this team.
[STAMMERS] Yes, for little girls to see
amazing athletic women doing
incredible things on the pitch,
but equally important, so that
little boys, just like your grandson,
can grow up in a world where
they don't know any different.
And to do that,
we need to be given a chance.
By you.
[SMACKS LIPS]
I was wrong about Brexit.
[SIGHS]
I'll make a call.
- Thank you.
- And thank you
- for coming all the way down here.
- [CHUCKLES]
- I know it's a long haul
- Hmm.
but it's that level of
professionalism and personalization
that this world is in
desperate need of. Yes?
Oh, I couldn't agree more.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Oh, sorry.
Oh, fuck a fucking duck!
I understand.
Um
I'll have a quick dinner
here and I'll see you at home.
My girlfriend had a work emergency.
Ah, of course.
- Um, this one's on me, sir.
- Oh. Thank you.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
[TED] All right, first day
at school. Give me your rose.
[HENRY] My rose? Uh
Probably that all the kids sound like
they're straight out of Paddington.
Mm-hmm. And your thorn?
Um School.
- Yeah, that makes sense.
- Mm-hmm.
Since your dad won't allow
a Coke on school nights,
I thought I'd refill
your chips for free.
- Thank you, Mae.
- [MAE CHUCKLES]
Hey, Mae. Are you gonna show
the match here on Saturday?
Oh, yeah. We'll just have to stream it
'cause it's not on regular telly.
- Hmm.
- But I won't be here.
- Why not?
- I'll be at the match.
I've got a season ticket.
[CHUCKLES]
This is the most exciting thing
that's happened in my entire
fucking life.
I can hear the words, I
just can't say the words.
- Exactly. Welcome to pub life.
- Yeah. Mmm.
[SIGHS] Can I just say again
how sorry I am about last night?
Oh, that would be appropriate.
But the silver lining, my waiter
told me to meet his sister.
He tried to set you up on a date?
No, his sister's a therapist.
Right. Listen.
It's just that I'm used to us being a
Friday, Saturday, Sunday kind of couple,
not a Monday to Thursday.
I understand,
but if you'd rather not have me
here so you can focus, that is okay.
No, I love having you here.
Would you let me make it up to you?
Let's have a romantic dinner tonight.
I checked. They only
have a 2:00 p.m. lunch.
Well, I think that a 2:00 p.m. lunch
is more romantic than a dinner.
I'll make myself free.
- [HUMMING]
- [DRUMS NAILS ON COUNTER]
You are very persuasive.
- What the fuck are you doing here?
- [SHUSHES]
[WHISPERS] Hi. I'm Ted Lasso, coach
of the AFC Richmond women's team.
May we join you?
[CHILTON CLEARS THROAT]
We want you to join the team.
Alice, I owe you nothing.
But, Ted, you do seem delightful.
And you're probably making this
one's life hell at the minute,
which I would love to see,
because she's the reason I quit
playing football in the first place.
Did she tell you that?
Well, this one's not much for stories.
Wasn't even sure she knew my name
the whole time we played together.
She usually just called me "lazy cow."
That's because you were a lazy cow.
Would a lazy cow study
to become a lawyer?
No way. Cow on a laptop?
There'd be typos all over the
place regardless of its work ethic.
[STUDENT SHUSHES]
I'm not gonna lie.
It's nice to be wanted.
- Not worth being singled out every day.
- [SCOFFS]
Everything I do being picked apart.
Oh, my God, always the victim.
I was not just hard on
you, I was hard on everyone.
You're just the one who quit.
Oh, do you know what? I knew
this was a waste of time.
- [SCOFFS] I rest my case.
- Hmm.
You can move on to the
next person on your list.
That's gonna be tough.
We're looking for a great striker.
I asked Coach if she knew any.
You were her whole list.
But, hey, it's nice to meet you.
You should come see a game sometime.
- [GROANS, SIGHS]
- [SHUSHES]
Fuck off.
[BELL RINGS]
[NORMAL] Hello, how are you?
[GROANS, CLEARS THROAT]
Cool. Well, I am here to pick
up a very important package.
- It's a really big box of
- Every package is important.
Yes, of course.
Tracking number?
- It is 13788, then JFKN.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS] It's, uh, out for delivery.
Uh No, I
When I called earlier,
I was told that it wasn't
gonna be sent out for delivery
because I was coming
to pick it up myself.
[SIGHS] Who did you
speak to? Was it Derek?
I don't know.
Sounds like you spoke to Derek.
Okay, well, uh I would like
to speak to Derek now, please.
He's not here.
You know what? I will wait for Derek.
While you're waiting, could you
take part in this customer
satisfaction survey?
Oh, you really don't want
me to do that right now.
- Hey, Keeley, I just
- I don't know where the kits are, Roy.
You what?
I just drove two fucking
hours to a shipping facility,
only to find out that the kits
are on a truck coming here,
even though I told Derek
not to put them on the truck.
- What did Derek do?
- Put them on a truck?
He put them on the fucking truck!
Are they here? No, of course not.
And I've just ruined our first match!
It's okay. It doesn't really
matter. It's just a friendly.
O-Oh, just a friendly?
Just a friendly?
Women don't get friendlies, Roy.
We either succeed or
we fail. That is it.
And that stupid report says that
we're gonna fail, that I'm gonna fail.
You're not gonna fail.
You're Keeley Jones, Woman on Top.
Vanity Fair said so.
Fuck that article.
Fuck.
[PHONE CHIMING]
[REBECCA] Ooh, right.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
- Oh, my God.
- [CRYING]
[SIGHS]
[GROANS]
[MUMBLES IN DUTCH]
Ah, yes. Great question. Thanks, Sarah.
So, hearsay evidence is not
admissible in a criminal trial.
However, there are circumstances
where it could be considered admissible.
For example, when admission of evidence
is in the best interest of justice.
For example, a witness is unavailable,
whether they died or
are out of the country,
or fear for their safety.
For example, records kept during
the normal course of trade or business.
For example, invoices.
Account statements.
For example [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
[HOPEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
For example
Gemma, where are you going?
Uh [STAMMERS]
Bye.
Okay.
Sorry, uh, where was I?
- For example.
- Yeah, that's great. Thanks, Sarah.
For example
[COMMENTATOR] A new day in Richmond
brings the dawn of a new era as AFC
Richmond women prepare for their debut.
It's a moment that's
been years in the making.
This is a club that well knows
you can't rush things when
you need them to be perfect.
[KEELEY] Please, please,
please, please, please.
[VEHICLE APPROACHES]
[GASPS]
[SIGHS]
[GASPS] Oh, my God, I can't
believe that you're actually here.
- Are you Miss Keeley Jones?
- Yes, that is me.
Wait, I recognize you.
Woman on Top, yeah?
- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]
I fucking love Vanity Fair.
Fell off a bit when Graydon Carter left,
but hey, at least they've still
got the Proust Questionnaire.
[CHUCKLES] One sec.
[CHUCKLES] Hmm.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
[CHUCKLING]
[LAUGHING]
Is something wrong?
No, this is amazing. Thank you.
[LAUGHING]
- Have a good day.
- Yeah, yeah.
- [LAUGHS] Oh, my God.
- [PHONE RINGING]
Hello, Roy!
Oh, hey. Uh, I was just
calling to wish you luck today.
Wow! That is so nice of you. Thank you.
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, great.
AFC Richmond women are about to play
their first ever game
without their kits,
so everyone's gonna
think this team is a joke,
but most of them already
do, so it's not a big deal.
Anything I can do?
You could go back in time and steal
the identity of a man named Derek
who works at the shipping facility and
make sure my packages get to me on time.
Although, that is not the most
responsible use of time travel, is it?
You should go back and
encourage Hitler's art teacher
to be more supportive of him.
And then if you feel like
swinging by 2025 on your way home
and dealing with the Derek thing,
I mean, you would be my
hero through all the time.
So yeah, I'll see you
in the future. Thank you.
Fuck.
Yo, game day. Come on.
- Hey, buddy, you okay?
- Yeah,
I'm just finally watching
this Susan Boyle audition.
She's the most talented woman on earth.
[SIGHS] So true.
Hey, Gemma. What you doing here?
I'd like to play on the
team. If you still want me.
Well, that works out great,
'cause we still do. Right, y'all?
Welcome aboard.
You quit law school?
No. I'm gonna do both.
One foot in, one foot out.
Well, hey, if it works
for the hokey pokey.
Hey, June!
Uh, June, this right here is
Gemma Jay, our new striker.
Backup striker.
And she's gonna be joining us today.
Can we get her a kit, please? Make
sure she's all suited and booted?
Of course. Wait.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
- Okay.
- Gemma, you can follow me.
We'll see how long she
lasts before she quits.
Well, now, Coach, I feel
compelled to remind you that
you quit on my first week.
Uh, no, I resigned actually.
It's very different.
Yeah, and flatulence is
just a fancy word for fart,
but they both stink.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Solid comeback.
Hi, how are you? Um, I need
22 female football kits.
Like 45 minutes?
I am being very serious.
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, shit.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Phoebe, what are you doing here?
Uncle Roy said you
needed reinforcements.
[ALL] Hi!
Hey. [CHUCKLES]
Good afternoon and welcome to Milk Park.
I'm Rebecca Lowe here with former
European Championship winner, Jill Scott
coming to you live on the Internet
as we prepare for the
debut of AFC Richmond Women
against the visiting Hayes and
Yeading in this historic friendly.
It's a momentous occasion, and
the stadium is throbbing palpably.
A moment so grand, it could
only be captured by streaming.
- So, Matthijs, how's your trip been?
- Leslie
Well, my lady stood me up
three days in a row for dinner.
A waiter thinks I am pathetic,
but it has not rained.
- So that's good. That's great.
- [SIGHS]
Yes, I had an ex who
enjoyed being humiliated too.
He used to dress up as a
baby and clean my toilet.
- Yeah.
- Mmm.
[SNICKERING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Nice kits. You dig
'em out a rubbish bin?
Yeah, the same one your mom left you
in after you fell out of her arse.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Let's fucking go!
[LOWE] And here come Richmond
- in, um
- Whoo!
unexpectedly unique new kits.
[JILL] You won't see me
judging a book by its cover,
no matter how blindingly
bedazzled that cover may be.
They're perfect.
Of course, real uniforms
would have been better,
more professional. Mm-hmm.
[BOOTS] Push.
[LOWE] Well, the pizzazz
of the Richmond kits
has been the only exciting thing
that's happened in the match so far,
and there's not much game time left.
[JILL] They should have handed
out triple espresso shots
with the rally towels today.
[LOWE] Of course,
Richmond have just lost
one striker to an ACL and one to a baby.
So, this moribund
attack is not surprising.
Push. Push.
Do we have to go to
all the women's games?
[GASPS, SIGHS]
I mean, we're holding them defensively,
but how many shots on goal we have?
- Zero.
- Why does it feel like less?
[PLAYERS CLAMORING]
Put Gemma in.
Huh?
Worth a shot.
Worth a shot.
Hey, Gemma, you're going in for 23.
- Uh, warm up.
- Nah, I'm good.
- Nice to be young.
- Yeah, and stupid.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- And entering the game for Richmond, um
Uh, I don't have this
person listed on my notes.
A mysterious interloper,
shrouded in the beguiling
intrigue of anonymity.
[LOWE] Well, watching
Richmond's number 47 for a bit,
we may have a speedster
on our hands, Jill.
[JILL] Whoever she is, she's quick.
[CHEERING]
Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!
[LOWE] And they've done it.
Richmond have won their debut game,
1-0 with a stunning goal
by whatever her name is.
[CHUCKLING]
Hey, Gemma, my verdict is: Great goal.
Thanks, Coach.
Oh.
Next time, follow your shot.
- Well done, Gemma.
- Great game.
- Smashed it.
- [PLAYERS CLAMORING]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
- Hi.
- Congrats on the match.
Thank you. Not that it matters.
- It was just a friendly, right?
- Hmm
Listen, I, uh
I'm sorry for adding to
your stress this week.
That's okay. I'm sorry for
being cuckoo bananas all week.
Were you? I didn't notice.
[CHUCKLES]
- What's that?
- Oh, I, uh, commissioned my own report
on the sustainability
of women's football,
something-something and
something-something-something in Richmond.
I thought you might like
to take a look sometime.
Hmm.
Thank you.
- Have a good night.
- Yeah, you too, Roy.
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
Is it just yourself this evening, or
Oh, no, um, someone's
joining me. Thank you.
[PHONE RINGS]
- Hello.
- Where are you?
What do you mean where? I'm at
the restaurant. Where are you
[CALL ENDS]
Hello.
I'm sorry, I just had to make sure
you were actually here
before showing my face again.
- Mmm.
- [SIGHS]
Oh, look, she exists.
Told you she's real. You can touch her.
[CHUCKLES]
Poor chap. Had to hire
a whore to save face.
Oh.
["I DREAMED A DREAM" PLAYING]