Clarkson's Farm (2021) s04e04 Episode Script

1
[theme music playing]
[birds chirping]
[Jeremy] Ta-da!
[Jeremy laughing]
Check it out!
It's a Lamborghini again!
[country music]
[Jeremy] Clearly,
Kaleb needed some convincing.
So, I hit him with a couple of numbers.
7.8 litres.
Horsepower?
- 340 horsepower.
- Holy shit!
Not 270 in the old Lamborghini.
[mumbling] 340.
It was ploughing, the other day,
taught me the lesson.
I was struggling
with only 270 horsepower.
[Jeremy] I then followed up
with the numbers that really matter.
All those tractors I looked at the other
day, those medium-sized tractors
- Yeah?
- They were all around
a 120, 180, kind of on the farm.
Yeah?
- 85?
- 85,000. I was
- A sixteen plate?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- 85,000?
- 85,000.
- [Jeremy] Yorkshire haggling!
- That's a bargain.
- [Kaleb] It's fucking huge!
- [Jeremy] It is.
- [Kaleb] Like
- When you're up there,
you can eyeball people
in the International Space Station.
They're coming past you going: "All
right, Jeremy?" "Yeah. How's things?"
[panting]
[Jeremy] He likes my tractor!
[rock music]
You have GPS on this? Yeah, you do!
- [Jeremy] Yeah, it has GPS.
- Holy shit.
That GPS there is worth
ten grand on its own.
[Jeremy] Let us go.
[rock music continues]
You've got front suspension on that,
look. This is gonna be comfy.
So you can alter your front suspension.
Well, you could in the old one.
- But it didn't ever really work, did it?
- Not really.
- No, never. Never!
- [Kaleb laughing]
[rock music continues]
[Jeremy] I fucking love this tractor.
- It's nice, isn't it?
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] More than that,
I was hoping that with its extra power,
it'd be the answer to our prayers,
and we'd be able to get the durum
wheat field ploughed and planted
before Charlie's deadline.
[Kaleb] Come back a little bit more.
You've gotta get over that way.
[Jeremy] The next day, however,
when we put it to work
[Kaleb] Whoa.
[Jeremy] we did encounter a problem
with the layout of the cab.
Every single control in here
is different to my old tractor.
[machine whirring]
[Kaleb] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
For fuck's sake.
You have to float it.
[Jeremy] Erm
I don't know what that is.
I don't know what that is.
I don't know what they do.
Urgh.
Oh.
I don't know.
You're literally useless.
When you float it, it releases
the pressure out of that pipe
- Ah.
- Into your tank. Got it?
Yeah.
I still don't know which button it is.
- [Kaleb] No, no, wait! Wait!
- [metallic thud]
[Jeremy] Oh, shitting hell.
What's it just fallen off?
The plough has now
fallen over completely to one side.
I don't know if it's bent something
or broke something. Who knows.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Eager to rescue the situation,
I went off to get the telehandler.
- [Kaleb] Don't damage the furrows.
- No, I'm not going to.
[Kaleb] Pull your boom in.
Pull your boom in.
Go closer to the machine.
[music continues]
[Kaleb] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, stop!
[telehandler beeping]
It won't lift it like that.
It's too heavy.
[Jeremy] It's beeping at me.
What have I pushed?
[Kaleb] No, no, what you've done
is the machine is now in the Safety Mode.
We're saying to you:
"Look, we're locking you out
of everything
because your back wheels
are off the floor."
So what you've basically done
this morning:
you've woke up,
you've come and helped me on the farm,
you fucked one machine
and got it into that position,
and then you've got the telehandler
now stuck in the yard again
in the air so therefore it's going:
"Safety feature: no."
[music resumes]
[Jeremy] Eventually,
using farmyard physics,
Kaleb partially solved the problem.
- [Jeremy] Well, now it can't fall.
- [Kaleb] Right.
[Jeremy] And then, after taking charge
of the Lambo's controls
[Jeremy] The plough is upright.
We're basically
where we should have been two hours ago.
[music continues]
[Jeremy] We then headed off to the field
where we needed to plant
our durum pasta wheat
as quickly as possible
Pick up where we left off last time,
which was
here.
[Jeremy] And crossed our fingers
in the hope that my new Lambo
would have enough oomph
to plough the wet soil.
Give it some.
[engine revving]
Jesus, it's got some power.
Oh yeah. Fucking hell.
[Jeremy] I mean,
the old Lambo was really struggling.
This is like cruising.
[Kaleb] Holy moly.
That's unbelievable!
[rock music]
That's a five-tonne plough on the back.
I can barely feel it.
- [Kaleb laughing]
- Pulling it uphill!
Uphill, on a field that has been
rained on solidly for six months.
[Jeremy] Kaleb then followed behind,
using a power harrow
to make the ploughed field
ready for planting.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] We'll have this field
ploughed in an hour?
And then we put the durum wheat in it
using my new marker system.
Bish, bash, bosh, pasta on its way.
I know one of the things you're
marked for in ploughing competitions
is the straightness of your lines.
I'd probably get a one for this.
Maybe a nothing.
[soft orchestral music]
[Jeremy] My ploughing
may not have been very good,
but the local wildlife
didn't seem to mind.
Look at the red kites there.
There's loads of them.
[soft orchestral music continues]
[Jeremy] Oh, there's an absolute squadron
of red kites now.
Look at this. Wow.
[soft orchestral music continues]
I've never seen so many.
[soft orchestral music continues]
It's so nice to be farmering again
in blue skies!
[Jeremy] An hour or so later,
we were indeed ready to start phase two.
That to me looks good.
That looks like the sort of thing
you'd plant seeds into.
[Jeremy] To do the planting,
we would use the old Lambo,
which I'd fitted with
my new-and-improved paint-marker system.
- Here's your tank of white paint, okay?
- [Kale] Yeah.
[Jeremy] And there's your battery.
And you've got two pumps,
left and right, okay?
[Kaleb] Got you, yeah.
This pumps paint down that tube
all the way to the end of the marker.
Wait till I advertise this
in Farmer's Weekly.
Even Mr Sugar, whatever he is,
Lord Sugar,
he'll be looking at this going:
"Why did I waste my time with Amstrad?
I should have done this."
And you are aware
this has already been invented?
- 'Cause you're saying you invented it.
- It hasn't been invented.
It has.
- What do you mean "it's been invented"?
- There's a foam marker.
Instead of paint it does foam.
So it leaves a mark of foam.
There's a company
that's invented it already!
Well, it's been invented again now.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] As it happened,
the resident cynic
was soon eating his words.
His invention's working!
Look at this! [Jeremy chuckling]
And not just for like five feet
but forever. Look, look.
Oh, I am so thrilled.
[soft music continues]
[Jeremy] So, we got
the durum wheat planted.
And then, there was more good news.
Because I'd finally found a pub.
[Jeremy] It's literally on the A40.
So traffic-wise, we're not gonna
be causing any problems at all.
[Lisa] Okey-dokey.
[Jeremy] Before putting in an offer,
though,
I thought I'd better get Lisa's approval.
It's quite a lot more
than the Coach & Horses was going to be,
but I think you'll agree
there's a lot more to it.
[Lisa] Well, that won't be difficult,
will it?
[Jeremy] Yeah, I mean, there's a few
things I wouldn't mind changing round,
but you could go in here
and start operating tomorrow.
Whoa!
- So that saves a lot of time.
- [Lisa] Definitely.
- And a lot of money.
- [Lisa] Yes.
Anyway,
I've managed to negotiate a price.
And we're just doing all, you know,
the legal searches
and all the things you have to do
before you buy a property.
So, that's all happening.
But I just wanted you to see it,
obviously,
before I sign on the dotted line.
- [Lisa] Good idea.
- Yes.
[Jeremy] Look.
- Windmill Restaurant.
- [Lisa] Oh, wow.
- Literally on the A40.
- [Jeremy] It is literally on the A40.
So you get your own roundabout.
And then here's the drive.
It's like arriving at Balmoral. Look.
- [Lisa] Haven't done that myself.
- You drive through the woods.
- [Lisa] Lovely old trees.
- This is the drive.
- This is all car parking.
- [Lisa] Wow.
And there it is. Ta-da!
- [Lisa] Beautiful stone building.
- Yep.
- Isn't that amazing?
- [Lisa] Oh, look at that.
And now, behold the view that it has.
[Lisa] That is extraordinary.
That's so pretty.
[car door slamming]
[Jeremy] The land goes
All that scrubland in there
- is part of it.
- [Lisa] Yeah?
[Jeremy] So all that.
- All of this.
- [Lisa] Beautiful.
[Jeremy] And those are all our woods,
or will be.
[Lisa] Wow!
[Jeremy] Inside,
Lisa continued to be impressed.
[Lisa gasps]
[Jeremy chuckling]
[Lisa] Oh, sweet holy mother of Jesus.
[Jeremy] I think
our quest is at an end, isn't it?
[Lisa] Whoa! This is so lovely.
Every single pub we've looked at
you bang your head
when you go to the lavatory.
Even Andy Cato could walk around
in here and not hit his head.
You could swing 25,000 cats in here.
[Jeremy] I know. This is huge.
Dining area's huge.
This is completely perfect
for what we want to do.
[Lisa] It doesn't look that big
from the outside.
- [Jeremy] You're nowhere near finished.
- The size of it!
[Lisa] Oh my God, it goes on!
Whoa! It's like a big gallery.
Look at these original
[Jeremy] Yeah.
Those are the original oak beams.
[Lisa] Amazing.
I mean, look,
it even has a therapist couch,
- if you're having a bad day!
- Well, I call it a chaise longue.
- [Lisa chuckling]
- It's just stunning.
[Lisa] Whoa!
And these are proper old flagstones.
[Jeremy] It's 15th century.
[Lisa] Will you show me the kitchens,
please?
It's fairly sizeable, again!
- [Jeremy] All relatively new equipment.
- Yes, it is!
- A back kitchen. Good.
- [Jeremy] A back kitchen.
So there's dishwashers.
I mean, the kit's not that manky.
- It's like all less than five years' old.
- [Lisa] Extraordinary.
No, everything, it's
[mumbling]
it's all included in the price.
The extraction system,
that's very expensive.
- Look at you! You've done a thing!
- [Jeremy] I'm quite proud of this.
Well, we have looked
at five hundred pubs.
[Lisa] I I know.
[Jeremy] Back outside, there was
another treat in store for Lisa.
Look, back here, there's outbuildings.
Shop could go there.
[Lisa] That looks like
it has my name on it.
I really can't see
anything wrong with it.
There must be a catch, Jeremy.
I can't find one.
I mean, the lawyers are looking, but
I can't find one.
- I like it, Jeremy. Don't fuck it up.
- [Jeremy chuckling]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] With Lisa's cheerful
encouragement ringing in my ears,
we went back to the farm.
And later that day,
we went to check on the pigs,
who'd suddenly decided
to vandalise all the trees.
Look.
[Lisa gasps]
Look at the damage they're doing.
- [Lisa] Look at this.
- How the fuck have they done this?
[Lisa] This looks fresh.
[Jeremy] What are we going to do
about this? That's really devastated.
[Lisa] Oh, look, you can
Oh, the sap. That's dead.
- All the sap is just going to come out.
- [Jeremy] That tree is toast.
[Lisa] Gerald's going to be so upset.
[Jeremy] I know, Gerald planted
all these trees 60 years ago.
I've just seen down here.
Ruined, ruined,
- ruined, ruined, ruined.
- [Lisa in German] Scheisse.
We didn't think about that, did we?
[Jeremy] No. We have to rethink
this woodland pig strategy, I fear.
- [Lisa] Oh, these are the boys.
- Yeah.
[Lisa] Look, all the little saplings
coming up. He's just getting one now.
[Jeremy] To be honest, the boys aren't
doing half as much damage as the girls.
It's like girls' lavatories.
They're always more vandalised
than boys' lavatories.
[Lisa] How do you know?
[Jeremy] Well, in my mind they are.
If you state a fact like that,
it is a fact.
[Jeremy]
We then reached the piglet enclosure.
- Here they come.
- [Lisa] They've got so big!
[Jeremy] And almost immediately,
we spotted a problem.
But hang on.
Look.
- Jesus Christ.
- [Lisa gasping] That's so tiny!
[Jeremy] Really tiny.
[Lisa] Oh, look!
That is the cutest little thing.
- But I'm not sure
- [Jeremy] I mean, look at it.
- Look, there he is.
- I know.
[Jeremy] His little ears!
[Lisa] What shall we call it?
[Jeremy] Richard.
[Lisa] Hamm
- Is it a boy?
- Richard Ham.
- [Lisa] I prefer!
- It's little!
[Lisa] The mini one! I think we
Look, he's trying desperately to fit in!
"I can come along here."
- [Lisa] He doesn't
- "I can cope. I can keep up."
Here we go, he's trying to sneak in.
"Yeah, I might have a bit of food
since I'm here.
Here we go, nobody's looking.
No, I'm not bothered, actually.
I'm not hungry.
Nah, I wanted to go there."
[Lisa chuckling]
[Lisa] It's so sweet, though.
[Jeremy] Here comes Richard Ham.
No, 'cause he's now going:
"Don't do this.
They're all going to think I'm little."
[Lisa softly] It's okay.
[pig squealing]
[Jeremy] Look how feisty he's become.
He's properly got
That is Richard Hammond
if you spill his pint.
[mumbling like an upset Richard Hammond]
[squealing]
[Jeremy] All levity aside, though,
we were worried that if he didn't grow,
he'd be bullied.
[Jeremy] We have to be realistic.
The others are all growing
at the correct rate.
That one, you know,
if he stays that small,
he's going to get rejected.
[Lisa] Let's see how it goes
for another
- How much longer are these here?
- [Jeremy] Oh, we've got them a while.
- So we can see how he grows up.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
Sansa!
Sansa!
Look how obedient she is
when she's on her own.
Ready? Watch this.
Good dog, good dog.
And sit.
Sit.
Stay.
- Stay, stay.
- [Lisa] Jeremy?
Hang on, I'm just in the middle
of a very important Sit.
Stay.
Come here.
And heel. [cry of pain]
[Jeremy grunting]
[panting]
That was right in.
Do you wanna lie down?
Ooh. You know the pain when it goes
You won't, but it goes right up.
Yeah, that happens
every time we have a period.
And we cope with this.
[sighing]
[sighing]
[Jeremy] While my plums
were convalescing
- ["Sunshine Superman" by Donovan]
- Sunshine came softly ♪
[Jeremy] the month of May arrived.
Could've tripped out easy but ♪
I've a-changed my way ♪
It'll take time, I know it ♪
But in a while ♪
[Jeremy] And that meant
it was time for Kaleb and I
to see if the GS4
had finally started to grow.
'Cause I made my mind up
You're going to be mine ♪
Realistically, if it has failed,
- and Charlie's pretty convinced it has
- No, yeah, I'm
I'm pretty sure this has failed,
my friend, unfortunately.
[Jeremy] Annoyingly,
this meant I'd have to buy more seed
and plant it all over again.
But, there was one upside.
[Jeremy] Hey! If I've gotta
drill it again
- I can use my new sat nav.
- Yeah.
'Cause that means you don't need markers,
- do you, with sat nav?
- No.
[Jeremy] The Lambo's sat nav would
steer me in perfectly straight lines
up and down the field.
And obviously,
the combination of my motoring knowledge
and Kaleb's farming brain
meant we'd have it all set up in a jiffy.
- Right.
- Right, there you go: sat nav.
Speed and position?
[Kaleb] Yeah, click that.
Erm
[Kaleb] Enable.
Why is it not?
- [Jeremy] It's not enabling.
- No.
Master switch disabled.
Everything's disabled.
[Kaleb] And it won't enable.
[Jeremy] Is there no one we can ring up?
- [man on phone] Hello?
- Hi, mate, it's Kaleb.
I'm just trying
to set this GPS system up.
Everything's saying "disabled".
Right at the very top of the screen,
there are
some little symbols on the screen.
- [Kaleb] Yeah?
- Right at the very top, very top.
[Jeremy] It's a good job
I'm not a fighter pilot.
[Kaleb] Green dot.
Yeah, that's us, yeah, got it.
[alarm beeping]
Easy Steer alarm.
[Jeremy] "Activate the switch."
Which switch?
Is it a button or the rocker switch?
[Kaleb] Just press it down quickly.
Hold that button.
Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold.
Do I need to push it down
the other way then?
'Cause I've got at the moment
like the cross thing down.
- The cross thing is down?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
But it should be
down towards the window down, it will be.
[Kaleb] "Towards the window down"?
[voice fading out]
- Can I have the phone for two secs?
- [Kaleb] There you go, you have it.
[Jeremy] Sorry, mate, it's Jeremy.
So I've got a blue switch.
One has got a steering wheel
with a lightning bolt next to it.
One's got a steering wheel
with a lightning bolt and a line through.
[man on phone] So that's the power supply
to the electrical steering bar
that does all the steering.
What you're trying to do,
you're actually turning on the electrical
orbital unit underneath the screen.
So when you press
the Auto button on the screen
and it tells you
"Steering controller detected,"
it's not detecting
the steering controller.
The average age of a farmer
is 62 years old.
How the fuck do you teach them this?
[Jeremy] It's telling us
to activate a switch.
There must be another switch.
[man on phone] I'm afraid there isn't.
Erm, there seems to be an error.
- Is there an error somewhere?
- [man on phone] Yeah.
Right at this second in time
we're not going to do anything
without somebody coming to see it.
[Jeremy] I was looking forward
to doing sat nav.
Yeah. All right then.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] With the sat nav out of action,
we had to go back to the olden days
and deploy my paint marker.
[Jeremy] Right, just go, Jeremy, go.
Eight miles per hour.
Shit, that's only six.
Oh, shit,
I've got the speed limiter's on.
What button do I push
to turn the speed limiter off?
[Kaleb on radio] What do you mean?
[Jeremy] Well,
it won't let me go any faster than this.
[Kaleb on radio] What happens
if you push your joystick forward?
[Jeremy] No, nothing.
I think this tractor is
massively too complicated.
[Kaleb on radio] I've just noticed
something as well on the drill.
If I was looking from where I am now,
I reckon you've got a flat tyre
on that drill, my friend.
- [Jeremy] It's flat as a pancake.
- Is it?
[Jeremy] Yeah.
Why don't I just go to bed
and write today off and just say:
"Okay, today never happened."
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Given that this wasn't
a job for Kwik Fit,
I had to go back to the yard
and try and get the wheel off myself.
Well, you can't get a spanner in.
[sighing]
How do you [panting]
Right.
So. Oh, you can't get a handle in.
The wheel's too little
to get a handle in.
[panting] Right.
Right, you little bugger.
[drill whirring]
Oh, I can't do it. My neck. Ow, fuck.
[panting]
Hang on. That's an extender thing.
For fuck's sake.
I fucking hate manual labour.
I properly do.
Oh.
Is that turning?
It's turning.
Holy shit!
How have I done that?
[sighing]
[panting with relief]
- [Kaleb] All right?
- Dude!
[Jeremy] Kaleb then rolled the wheel
over to a tub of water
to find out where the puncture was.
[Jeremy] I filled the bucket.
Oh, my fucking God.
- What?
- [Kaleb] We got the bucket filled up,
I wheeled it over,
it hit the bucket and split it.
- [Jeremy] You're joking?
- [Kaleb laughing]
- What is going on today?
- [Jeremy] It's today, honestly.
[Kaleb laughing]
[Kaleb] I'm in disbelief!
[Jeremy] I mean, honestly,
it's everything today.
[country music]
[Jeremy] By the time we'd found the leak,
repaired the hole
and got back to the field,
it was well into the afternoon.
But, at least,
we could finally start planting.
[Jeremy] And I'm going. Here I go.
[engine sputtering]
[tractor beeping]
What the bloody hell was that?
- [tractor beeping]
- Is the handbrake on?
[engine sputtering]
[tractor beeping]
What the bloody hell have I pushed?
I haven't touched anything.
What the hell is that?
[Kaleb] What's up?
- [engine creaking]
- Oh, fuck.
Shit.
That sounds expensive.
This is fucked.
- This is
- Oh, now look who's here.
Oh, he hasn't seen this tractor either,
has he?
- Oh, God, that'll be good.
- [Kaleb] Oh, yeah.
[chuckling] The first time he sees it
and it's gonna blow up!
I'll just tell him it's fine.
[Charlie] Hi.
[Jeremy] All right, Charlie?
[Kaleb] All right?
What's this?
[Jeremy] My new tractor.
Well, I say "new tractor"
No, no, but why have you got it?
Ignore the fact that
[Jeremy] The silver one
kept breaking down.
So I bought this newer one,
which is much more powerful and bigger.
And guess what?
It's broken down.
[Kaleb] I think the gearbox
is shagged on it.
[sighing] But
Okay,
so you just went ahead and bought this?
- How many hours has it done?
- 500.
- [Kaleb] 3,000.
- I meant 3,000.
But you haven't heard how much it was.
- [Charlie stuttering]
- Guess how much 340 horsepower cost.
So you got 340 horsepower,
GPS, it's all working, etc.
How much do you reckon he paid for it?
I almost don't want
to enter the conversation
in fear that I might justify
this decision.
- [Jeremy] 80,000.
- Far too much.
- What?
- [Charlie] The fact is
you could have got, you know,
something appropriate for that price.
[Jeremy] Come on, it looks fantastic.
[Charlie] No, it doesn't.
We're trying to run an efficient farm.
Yeah, no.
Please allow me to have a tractor I like.
Please.
Well, I don't have any choice.
You've bought it.
Anyway, the problem is, it sounds like
that the rear axle's full of gravel
and the engine is running on pebbles.
[Charlie] What warranty
did you get with it?
[Kaleb] There's no warranty.
It's second-hand, mate.
- [Jeremy] It's second-hand.
- [Kaleb] It's a sixteen plate.
You can get warranty on second-hand
tractors. You know that, Kaleb.
Yeah, I know. He didn't ask me!
You got me in trouble now.
You said it was a good tractor.
[Kaleb] I mean, good for the value.
In terms of the one that you've got,
you've got 270 horsepower. This is 340.
- We don't need 340.
- I agree. I'm on your side.
I'm on your side.
Yes, it's a shit tractor.
- It's not shit.
- [Kaleb] Despite the Lamborghini badge,
it's incredibly shit.
- And you've got to spend
- It's just broken. It's not shit.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] My tractor would now be out
of action until the mechanic came round.
But one thing that did impress Charlie
was the pub I was planning to buy.
[Charlie] It's really cool, isn't it?
[Jeremy] And during
the Diddly Squat look-around,
Kaleb was equally smitten.
[Kaleb] This is like
the most beautiful pub I've ever been in.
You go in the Red Lion at Chippy
too much!
[all laughing]
- Is there an upstairs? Can I go up?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
[Kaleb] This is amazing.
It's an old wagon wheel, isn't it?
- [Jeremy] Look, there he is.
- That's an old wagon wheel.
- [Jeremy] It is a wagon wheel.
- See!
[Jeremy] I love a wagon wheel.
And we can get
some horse brasses and we're away.
[Kaleb] Can I have
my dart board over here?
[Jeremy] You remember Tom Hanks in Big?
Where do you want your trampoline?
[Jeremy] That evening, in our own local,
I shared my thoughts
about what I wanted to do with the pub
once I took possession.
You know upstairs there, yeah?
I want to put a farmers' clubhouse in.
Good idea.
'Cause you know, we came here,
and we met up with those farmers?
You said to me, ordinarily,
they would have been at home.
- Yeah. Or sat in the office.
- [Jeremy] You know, moping.
[Jeremy] Worrying, yeah.
But because we all came to the pub
and had a pint,
you kind of laughed about your problems
rather than worried about them.
And that got me thinking.
If we put a farmers' clubhouse
in the right-hand side upstairs,
and you put darts, bar billiards
and a little farmers' bar up there
Can I please have my own
Can I be the leader of the dart team?
- You can be the leader of the darts team.
- Yes!
- Can I be in your darts team?
- [Kaleb] No.
Anyway, and the idea is: go down there,
we'll give you a free pint.
And you can sit and talk
to other farmers about the problems.
It's a great idea.
Is that a good idea?
Yeah.
Are you allowed to give away free pints?
I knew you'd say something wrong with it.
I looked into it. And no, you're not
allowed to give away free pints.
But I'd long to go to court
and be charged with it.
Is there a grey area
around who's a farmer?
Yeah.
Somebody said that to me the other day.
"How will you know
that someone's a farmer?"
Anyone's a bit doubtful, you go,
"Glyphosate is what?"
- And if they don't know!
- If they don't know!
Anyone: "I don't know that."
"You're not a farmer. Get out."
When you say about farmers
who just bring
the mud on their Wellington
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
- You know what I mean?
- [Kaleb] You should do that.
[Gerald] It wouldn't look very smart
within a week or two, would it?
Young farmers,
if we go into a pub together,
they made us take our boots off outside.
- Really?
- Yeah. We should do it.
- And you don't mind doing it?
- No. We understand.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Oh, also, the carvery's coming back.
That'll be good. I love a carvery.
[Gerald] That's good, you can't beat a
And it's gonna be a proper carvery,
isn't it, from like proper farmers.
It used to say, apparently,
outside The Windmill,
it used to say: "Probably
the best carvery in Oxfordshire."
[Gerald] I mean, the turkey was nearly as
fat as what he is. You know what I mean?
[all laughing but Kaleb]
Don't you fucking laugh.
[laughing]
I won a T-shirt once for a 48-ouncer.
- Oh, we should do that!
- [Charlie] A kilo of steak?
We should do that, the eating challenges.
- We're not doing eating challenges.
- [Charlie] Is it worth
having a few events, like getting
a health and safety person round
- What the fuck? What are you thinking?
- Fucking hell!
[Charlie] No, 'cause it's
And there's the mood just gone!
No, let's not get
a health and safety person.
They come round
and then all of a sudden
[Jeremy] What? I'm gonna say to
the local farmers: "Come to this fun pub
- for a health and safety lecture"?
- [Charlie] No, just a topical thing
[voice fading out]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Back in pig world,
it was now time
to send another batch off to slaughter.
So, on a beautiful spring morning,
Kaleb and I headed to the woods
to round them up
for the next school-bus run.
[Jeremy] Hey, what do you think
of my hat?
- [Kaleb] "USS Hornet"?
- Yeah.
- [Kaleb] What is it?
- Apollo 11.
- [Kaleb] What's that?
- Apollo 11?
- [Kaleb] Apollo?
- You know what Apollo 11 is.
- What? A plane?
- [Jeremy] No.
Please tell me
you know what Apollo 11 is.
[Kaleb] The band?
[Jeremy] Have you heard
of Neil Armstrong?
- [Kaleb] Is he an actor?
- No.
He's the first man to walk on the Moon.
But he went in Apollo 11.
- The spaceship.
- [Kaleb] That's the spaceship? Right.
[Jeremy] Yeah. And it landed
- back in the sea.
- Mmh-mmh.
And then, they were picked up
by helicopter from the USS Hornet,
which is an aircraft carrier.
[Kaleb] Right.
And this was a cap that was introduced
to commemorate that.
- Them returning to Earth.
- [Kaleb] Okay.
And Woody Harrelson gave it to me
last Saturday night.
- [Kaleb] Who's that?
- Woody Harrelson.
You must Oh, Kaleb.
- Do you want to put the food in there?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
I'm gonna try and get 'em in
by feeding them in there.
Come on then, piggies!
[Kaleb grunting]
[Jeremy] Come on, pigbies!
[Kaleb] Piggies! Come on then!
- Come on, piggies! Come on, piggies!
- [Jeremy] In you go.
[Kaleb] One more!
Jeremy, shut the door! Shut the door!
[Jeremy] All right, Larry Grayson.
[Kaleb] Two, four, six,
eight, ten, eleven.
Aw, fucking hell!
[Kaleb screaming] Fuck!
[Jeremy] This tree is really irritating.
[Kaleb] Argh! Urgh! Argh!
[Kaleb] Could someone please undo the
Argh!
[Jeremy] Right, we've got eleven pigs
and Kaleb.
[Kaleb] Don't open the bottom one.
Argh! For fuck's sake!
Stop! Argh!
[Jeremy] Before heading off,
I introduced Kaleb to Richard Ham.
Richard? Come out.
[Jeremy] Wondering if the size of him
would bring out paternal instincts.
There he is, look.
[Kaleb] Oh no.
Shitting hell.
Look at him.
[Kaleb] There's obviously
something wrong with him.
[Jeremy] Well, look at him,
he's a micro pig.
- [Kaleb] Never seen that before.
- You've never seen it?
- I've never seen like
- You've never seen one that small?
[Kaleb] No. It's just not grown.
[Jeremy] Do you think he's ever going
to grow or is he just going to be
No, I think he'll stay quite small.
I think he will grow a bit.
[Jeremy] Do you think he's deliberately
staying small so we can't kill him?
[chuckling]
- 'Cause it is an interesting dilemma.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
It's expensive to keep him.
'Cause you've gotta feed him.
Actually,
he's eating more than the others.
We're feeding him special rations.
- And it's really expensive to kill him.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
We'd have to pay £30
for him to be slaughtered.
[Kaleb] And you'd probably get
four sausages!
[Jeremy] Yes, exactly.
We're not keeping him.
What else can we do? We can't kill him.
We'd have to castrate him, then,
if you want to keep him.
- You don't want to breed from that.
- [Jeremy] No.
Do you know how they do that?
Have you ever seen a pig be castrated?
I once worked on a farm.
Got this pig.
She said: "Kaleb, hold this pig.
"We're gonna take the testicles out."
I said: "Yeah, all right."
So I hold the pig. They give it
an anaesthetic in the back end.
We left it five minutes.
"All right, pick it back up."
So I pick it back up like this.
Back towards me, belly that way.
She gets a knife.
She cuts two incisions,
small incisions, in the testicle,
you know, each sack.
- In the scrotum?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
Then guess what she did?
I swear on my life now.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
She got her mouth
over the two testicles
and pulled them out with her mouth.
I swear on my life!
[Jeremy] Did she spit them out?
- Yeah, she spat them out.
- [Jeremy] She didn't swallow them?
[Kaleb] No, no, no. Dog ate them after.
[Jeremy] Oh, my God.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Back at the yard,
Jess, the school-run driver,
was already there,
with her XC-90
parked next to our latest building site.
[Jeremy] Now, we should explain
to the ladies and gentlemen,
we are having to build a new barn,
a grain-storage barn, because
we've now got
so many different types of wheat.
[Kaleb] Yeah,
we needed to keep them all separate.
We used to grow wheat,
barley and oilseed rape.
- [Kaleb] And that's it.
- Now we've got durum wheat,
spelt wheat, milling wheat, er
- [Kaleb] The spring barley.
- Spring barley.
[Jeremy] Given the weather,
Jess wanted to get the pigs loaded up
as quickly as possible.
I hate reversing
when there's a lorry driver there
'cause they look at you
like there's something wrong with you.
- [Jess] Morning.
- [Kaleb] All right?
- [Jeremy] How are you?
- [Jess] A bit damp.
[Jeremy] Oh, just a bit.
[Kaleb] Some would say a little bit.
[Jeremy] Anyway,
why don't you look over there
while I just back this trailer up?
- [Kaleb chuckling]
- Do you want me to do it for you?
- [Jeremy] No!
- [Kaleb and Jess laughing]
[Jess] That is some God-awful angle,
isn't it?
That's gone wrong.
At what point do we help?
Or do we just?
We leave him another five,
ten minutes, I think.
[Jess] That's fine.
We just bill him
for the time we stood here.
No, that's really wrong now.
- [Jess] Nah.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jess] Fucked it.
[Jeremy] I can't see anything.
[Jess] What do you mean you can't?
You've got mirrors!
[Jeremy] Yeah, but look.
It's all fogged up.
- What are you doing?
- [Kaleb] Just Just, erm
He'll do anything to drive my car.
[Jess chuckling]
[country music]
[Jess] Yeah.
- [Kaleb] Go on then, up you get.
- [Jess] Come in pigs.
[Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Bye, pigs.
[Kaleb] I'm so wet.
[Jeremy] I know,
but there's just a mark of respect.
That is sad again.
[sad music]
[Jeremy] With the pigs gone
and the rain still falling,
I headed to the office,
because the lawyer
handling the purchase of the pub
had sent me the result of his searches.
Look at this documentation I've got.
[Jeremy] And after an hour
of reading through the documents,
I discovered there was an issue.
It turns out that
all of the garden, sort of lawned area,
and the woods
is designated by the council
as a picnic site.
Which is sort of fine in my head because,
people don't have picnics anymore.
But would you buy a house
if you thought that the garden
was designated by the council
as a picnic area?
Nobody's actually going to come
and have a picnic there
but they could.
[Jeremy] As I dug further
into the reports,
this picnic issue
became rather blurred and confusing.
So I rang my lawyer, Richard,
to see if he could clear things up.
[Richard on phone] Hi, Jeremy.
I keep reading in these documents
that a previous owner,
and I'm going back to the nineties now,
talks of problems with the picnic site.
[Richard on phone] Yes. Erm
That possibly is why, erm,
previous owners have looked at
seeking an amendment
or to get the agreement released.
Er, because I think it attracted some
unwanted and antisocial behaviour.
What sort of unwanted and antiso
What, Hell's Angels?
[Richard] Er, well, possibly that.
And also some behaviours that might
put you off eating your picnic.
- Erm
- [Lisa] Is this?
Hold on.
Sorry, Lisa's just walked in, so
Is this in the pub that we
There were some public lavatories there?
[Richard] Yes, there were
some public lavatories there.
So were the problems centred around
activities in the public lavatories?
[Richard] Erm yes.
We have happened across erm
some quite interesting photographs
which capture
certain graffiti, erm, and some
- Ah!
- [Richard] And some goings on.
I've just found the photographs
in one of these documents.
So they drilled holes
from cubicle to cubicle?
- Yeah, they had.
- [Richard] Yeah,
I don't think that was
to improve ventilation necessarily.
[Jeremy laughing]
[Jeremy] Yeah, righty-ho. Erm
"The cubicles themselves were full
of graffiti, strewn with pornography,
and again faeces and urine."
So, this is how the picnic site
was being treated.
So I can now see why the previous owner
applied to have the picnic site
disallowed?
Is that the right word, do you think?
[Richard] Yes, they sought
to have that released.
Unsuccessfully? Or successfully?
- And it was unsuccessful?
- [Richard] Yes.
So the council said it had
to be kept open as a
picnic and cottaging site?
[Richard] Er, I think
it was as a picnic site.
But they knew
that this doggery was happening, yes?
[Richard] Er, there was
quite a lot of evidence, yes.
[Jeremy] So, in terms of black and white,
it is definitely a picnic site.
There's nothing we can do
to stop people coming on
and dogging and?
[Richard] Erm, there isn't as such, no.
Okay.
[Jeremy] It was possible, of course, that
these activities were no longer going on.
And after Alan explained
that the public lavatories
had been pulled down years ago,
my hopes were high.
So this is where the lavatories were?
[Alan] Yeah, the "A40 Bum Club",
that was called.
Yeah, that's where it all happened.
All sorts of things went on there.
They had to knock it down.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Sadly, though, on subsequent
visits over the coming days,
I kept finding evidence to the contrary.
[sighing]
Fucking hell, honestly.
[moaning with disgust]
[Jeremy] And on the road sign
outside the pub,
there was even more of a clue.
I then went through
the lawyer's report with Charlie,
starting with
the infamous public lavatories.
[Jeremy] They left
gentlemen magazines lying around.
[Charlie] God.
This was pre-mobile telephone numbers,
so they wrote their home phone numbers
and addresses on the wall, saying:
"I'm looking for a good time",
and so on and so forth.
So the landowner
then went back to the council,
as I understand it, and said:
"Actually, this picnic site
isn't really being used
as a picnic site.
Can we please get rid of it?"
And the council said no.
So, the lavatories
seem to have been demolished
without planning permission.
Because it does state
that there should be provision of
Yeah, so people then
started going into
[Charlie] Well, but that's what it says.
- The Windmill itself.
- [Charlie] Yes.
[Jeremy] But, the pub and the car park,
as far as I can determine,
are not part of the picnic site.
[Charlie stuttering]
[Jeremy] So if they come here saying:
"Please can I use your lavatories
because we rather spoiled the ones
out there dogging and cottaging",
you can say no.
I don't think you can.
- I think there's some wording in
- What?
One of the agreements that says if
the lavatories are not provided out here,
the owner-operator of the restaurant
must provide facilities.
It's in one of the documents
very clearly.
[Jeremy] But
It's the perfect site.
I can see that.
And now this bloody picnic site.
Of all the damn things.
Oh
[upbeat rock music]
[Kaleb] Why is it going so fast?
Why are we going a million?
[Jeremy] I want to take our cows
and mate them with a bigger bull.
- [groaning]
- [Kaleb screaming]
[Jeremy] No!
We have some pretty significant news.
Here we go.
[upbeat rock music]