Happy Days (1974) s04e04 Episode Script

1
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪
Ready to race to you ♪
These days are ours ♪
These days are ours ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪
Rocking and rolling all week long ♪
(organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps)
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Groovin' all week with you ♪
These days are ours ♪
These days are ours ♪
These happy days ♪
Are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours ♪
! ♪
("Bird Dog" by The Everly Brothers playing)
Hey, bird dog, you're on the wrong trail ♪
.
Leave my lovely dove alone ♪
POTSIE: Hey, there's Lori Glass.
RICHIE: Have you got something going with Lori Glass?
Well, I helped her in biology, and she loves me.
Who are you trying to kid, Potsie?
He drew a chart of the digestive system for her,
and she said, "Thank you."
No, she's hot for me.
We looked at medical books together.
Hey, cool it, cool it.
Here she comes.
LORI: Potsie.
Yeah?
Mr. Higgins really liked the chart.
He especially liked the way you followed the jujube
all the way through the large intestine.
(chuckles)
It was nothing.
LORI: Say, how are you
at drawing the reproductive system?
Can't you get arrested for that?
(Lori chuckles)
LORI: I know you'll do it
just terrific.
Yeah.
(chuckles)
Are you kissing my girl?
Oh, no.
Uh, she was just thanking me for helping her.
Right guys? RICHIE: Yeah, right.
Oh, yeah, yeah, he was helping her with reproduction.
(screams)
Well, I-I meant biology.
You're dead. Careful, this is my lucky shirt.
Bernie.
Hey, will you tell him that he's innocent?
I don't want to get involved.
All right, come on, listen, it's-it's no problem, really.
He's just
I just hope for your sake that you're helping my good friend
up to his feet here.
Who are you?
Hey, what are you, from out of town?
I'm taking him outside to bust his head in,
unless you want to go in his place, big mouth.
Big mouth?
All right, look, look, it's all a misunderstanding.
He was just trying to help your girl
with homework, and that's all.
Is that true?
Yes.
Why didn't you say so?
(hoarse): I tried.
What's the matter with your voice?
(hoarse): I'm scared.
Hey, uh, Bernard.
Bernie.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Bernard, I thought that we had a rendezvous outside.
It's settled, Fonz.
Hey, I'll tell you when it's settled.
Let's go, Bernie.
Hey, what are we fighting for?
We don't even know each other.
Hey, you know me.
I'm big mouth!
But it's a mistake.
Hey, I heard "big mouth" loud and clear,
and now, Mr. Tourist, I am gonna
show you the parking lot upside down!
Come on, everybody, we're gonna see a fight!
(cheering)
Come on, come on!
Come on, Fonz!
Where'd everybody go?
Was the place condemned?
There's a fight outside.
Oh, no.
Are they beating up my cook again?
No, it's Fonzie again.
Oh, Fonzie again.
Way to go, Fonz! That was great!
All right!
Fonz, that fight was so short,
it was hardly worth going outside.
Yeah, that's 'cause I save my energy
for the better things in life.
Plant one right there. You, too, right here.
All right.
We'll continue this frivolity some other time, girls.
Later.
Cunningham, you missed a spectacular fight.
Oh, yeah?
I was just looking for a good college to go to.
Yeah, it was one of my more economical fights.
Short and sweet, dig it?
Purdue is a nice campus, tree-lined.
Why do they call themselves Boilermakers?
What are you talking about?
I just saved Potso's life.
I am a hero.
Hero?
Yeah.
(chuckles)
Don't ha-ha-ha-ha me.
Now, come on, there's something bugging you.
What are you not saying here?
Fonz.
Yeah?
You didn't have to have that fight,
because Bernie backed down.
Are you saying the Fonz provokes fights?
You did the same thing this morning in the bakery.
He fights in bakeries?
All right, come on, a guy knocked over
my bag of sweet rolls.
He apologized.
He even offered to buy you jelly doughnuts.
Then you tried to stuff the guy in the bread slicer.
The bread slicer?
I just tried to scare him.
It wasn't even plugged in.
Okay, all right, be funny, do what you want to do.
Ohio State Buckeyes.
All right, will you stop with the Ohio State?
Now, are you saying there is something wrong with me?
Well, no, I'm just
I think that you've been getting in a lot of fights, Fonz.
Yeah? And I just think that you
Yeah, I think there's something wrong with you.
(nasally): All right, now look what you're doing, Fonz.
You're hurting my nose.
I'm very disappointed in you, Fonzie.
You're disappointed?
Well, let me ask you one small question.
What?
Who cares?
(nasally): I care.
Are you still sulking about your allowance?
Now, look, I told you, we got to start saving money.
Your brother's gonna be going to college soon.
You know it's gonna cost me $700 a year?
Dad, I'm 14 years old.
I can't live off 50 cents a week allowance.
You should see what I have to sit with
just to get a free Coke.
I wonder what she does for a milkshake.
Look what Arthur
brought us this morning.
Jelly doughnuts for dessert.
Oh, yeah, I don't want any.
Why is he angry?
He gets a dollar a week.
You know, Fonzie beat up a guy for those doughnuts.
That's what I'm gonna have to do soon.
You be quiet, Joanie.
Arthur got in another fight?
Two today.
Well, now, I can't enjoy these doughnuts anymore.
I can.
All right, just ignore me, just ignore me.
Cunningham, I got to talk to you in private, huh?
You gonna grab my nose?
No, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna grab your nose.
I want to talk to you about my little problem, all right?
Is it about the two fights you had today?
Hey, Cunningham, what are you, a town crier?
No, Arthur.
Uh, now, if this fighting thing is a problem,
you can tell us about it.
I mean, we're family.
Well, if he's family, what's his allowance?
Joanie.
Now, never mind, Arthur.
Come and tell us your problem.
Go right ahead, Fonz.
It-it, look, it's a very simple, it's just that, you know,
I'm-I'm walking down the street,
and, uh, so, tha oh, uh, uh,
so I'm coming down the street and-and, you know, and I-I
so I have to go around the corner or something like that,
you know, and
So are-are you following me so far? You know.
Do you understand what I'm saying to you?
You didn't say anything.
That's 'cause I can't.
I can't talk in front of certain people.
Let's go.
Now I'm standing here alone!
I didn't mean that.
Guys, come back here.
I'm talking about the ladies,
I can't talk in front of the ladies.
I mean, the thing is that I'm getting tense.
I mean, I-I don't know what's happening to me.
I just want to hit all of a sudden.
That's not me, that's not the Fonz, the Fonz don't hit.
What am I supposed to do?
Dad, what should he do?
Oh, well, it's, uh, it's perfectly clear, Fonzie.
I mean, you just can't go around picking fights with people
and beating them up.
Violence is dangerous!
There's only one thing you can do.
FONZIE: Yeah?
You got to snap out of it.
Snap out of it?
That's it?
Snap out of it?
No, no. See, that was just the first part of it.
He's gonna tell you more.
You're gonna tell him more, aren't you, Dad?
No, that was it.
Well, Dad, come on, "Snap out of it" is a little weak.
Well, that's what they used to tell us in the Army,
"Snap out of it, soldier."
MARION: Howard, tell him about your problem.
That was a family matter, Marion.
Well, you just made him spill his guts.
Go ahead, Howard.
Well, okay.
I'll tell you something, Fonzie, a long time ago,
I-I had this, this terrible problem
where I, I just couldn't get enough to eat.
No matter what I did, I could not get enough food.
And then, one day, I met the man who helped me.
A farmer.
I'm not gonna tell this story.
Howard, now, Howard.
Howard went to a psychologist,
and he helped him to stop eating.
He did, huh?
(chuckles)
Yes, you should have seen Howard then.
He w I've got pictures.
Do you want to see them?
He was such a jumbo!
Marion!
Well, they're-they're packed away upstairs.
Nobody will ever see them.
I'll burn them.
Is Fonzie really going to a psychologist?
You know, he's the first person
I ever knew that went to one.
Well, it's a good thing to do if you need help.
Are they gonna put him in a straitjacket?
Aaayyh! Aaayyh! Aaayyh! Aaayyh!
Hey, she's just a child, Fonz, just a child.
All right, yeah, yeah, yeah, just a child, just a child.
Now, listen,
I think you should give this guy a try.
I mean, if you go to him,
and he doesn't help you, what have you lost?
But you've had eight fights this week.
All right, all right, I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
You're gonna go see this doctor, you're gonna tell him
it's your problem, and you're gonna come
and tell me what he says to do.
You really believe I can go in there with this face
and tell somebody I beat people up?
No. No.
All right, I'm going, I'm going.
You make an appointment, all right?
I'll let this guy, uh, mess around with my temper.
But just remember, I ain't gonna let him
mess around with the good stuff!
Whoa!
?
.
Fonzie.
Would you like to, uh, lie down on the couch?
Oh.
Uh, now, Richie told me on the phone
that lately you've been having trouble
with, uh, street fighting.
Lately, there's been a lot of violence in your life.
Yeah, that's right, so just give me
a pill, I'll be on my way, right?
I'm afraid it's not that simple.
Hey, I know that; That was just a joke!
There was a smile on my face when I said it!
Are you gonna hit me?
No, I'm not gonna hit you.
Good.
Now, look, Fonzie, what's the problem?
I'm a psychologist; You can say anything to me.
I don't like your suit.
Well, that's a start.
Do you have a girlfriend? No.
No girlfriend.
I see.
Uh, don't touch that, please.
Uh, you know, I like to spread myself
kind of out, you know how it is?
I don't like to I see.
Uh, don't water that, please.
So you go out with more than one girlfriend?
Yeah.
No peeking, please.
Well, you're a picky little fellow, aren't you?
You know, it always used to confuse me to go out
with, uh, two or three girls at one time.
You ought to try juggling 150.
(chuckling): What?
150 girlfriends?
Yeah, that's what I just said, isn't it?
And you believe that?
Yeah, I believe that.
You just asked me a question, I gave you an answer.
Why don't you lie down on the couch?
Hey, now, wait a minute.
You asked me a question, I told you the truth.
All right, all right, all right.
Maybe 200 I didn't take inventory this week.
I see.
And what is the reason
for this marvelous success with women?
I'm the Fonz.
That's it, you're the Fonz?
That's right, I snap my fingers, girls come running.
You know whoa!
That's very interesting.
Fonzie, would you step outside for a moment?
I'd like to talk to Richie, and, uh,
if you don't mind, don't touch anything.
Hey, Cunningham, front and center.
This guy wants to talk to you,
and, uh, watch the couch, very strange.
You know, uh, you got your friend here just in time.
He's a loony bird.
Well, it's all that fighting.
Fighting nothing, it's girls.
Do you know he thinks
that he's got 150 girlfriends?
150?
Yeah, well, that's about right.
And you believe it?
You're caught up in his fantasy.
You think, when he snaps his fingers, girls come running?
Well, yeah, he can do that.
You're not helping at all.
Miss Franklin get off that desk!
Control yourself, what are you doing?
Hey now, Doc, take it easy.
Take it easy, huh?
She's a very friendly chick.
How did you do that?
Well, I just tried to tell you.
But I've never been able to get anywhere with her.
I've wined her, I've dined her, I gave her a job.
She can't type, file or answer the phone.
You know, I've even
I've even tried to be a father figure to her.
Can can you teach me to (snapping fingers)
.
Problems? What problems?
If you can get Miss Franklin
to do that No, look, we came here
to talk about Fonzie's fighting.
Fighting? That's no problem, I'll give you a pill.
Oh, come on, Fonz, let's go. Now, look, all we have to do
is find an outlet for your hostility.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It won't take any time at all.
Now, look, about my bill
Hey, now, go easy on me, I'm a working man.
Uh, I'll work something out.
I'll help you, and you'll teach me to
(snapping fingers)
Well, first of all, it ain't like this,
and second of all, it only works for me, huh?
(snaps) Whoa!
Yes? I was just practicing later.
ality ♪
ality ♪
ality ♪
ality ♪
ality ♪
ality ♪
?
Well, he told him to, uh, to build birdhouses.
What are you talking about?
Why would he tell the Fonz to build birdhouses?
He's supposed to get out his
his pent up hostilities that way.
You see, he used to get out his tension
by doing a lot of body work at the garage,
but business has been slow lately,
so the doctor told him that he's gonna
have to find something else to hit.
He's gonna catch birds and beat them up?
No, hammering, hammering!
He hammers when he builds birdhouses.
It's psychology.
You guys will learn about it
when you go to college.
Hi, guys. Joanie.
Joanie, what are you doing with Fonzie's jacket?
He gave it to me.
You look really cute,
like Leo Gorcey with freckles.
(laughing)
Sit on it, Ralph.
Gosh, the Fonz gave away his jacket.
He must be in pretty bad shape.
All right, let's go, girls.
Let's go, very gently, very gently.
I should be in that bad of shape.
What are you girls hanging around for?
We got more birdhouses to deliver, let's go.
A little dignity, let's walk it out here,
Walk it out.
Hey Fonz, that that's
that's a nice shirt you got on.
Oh, yeah, blue, see, very peaceful, very peaceful.
There he is.
The guy with the funny blue shirt on.
That's the guy who beat you up? Yeah.
The guy playing with the dollhouse?
He looked a lot tougher with his leather jacket on.
Uh, they couldn't possibly be talking about me.
Well, I think they are, but just remember: Control.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, the Fonz is in control.
Yeah, you.
I'm Butch.
Hi, Butch.
Bernie's brother.
I've come to settle the score.
Oh, no, no, I don't think that's necessary.
You see, look, I apologize for busting up Bernie here.
I lost a little control there.
How about if I make you a birdhouse, huh?
What color do you want?
This is what I think of your birdhouse.
Fonz.
Oh, oh, it's all right.
I just got a pinched nerve.
(suppressed growling)
I am in control.
No, I don't think we're gonna discuss this right now
since we seem to be a little hot under the collar.
And besides that, I got a date with the Polaski twins.
I made them a set of matching birdhouses.
(groans)
(Fonzie groaning)
Mr. C,
I got this down to a science.
I can build a birdhouse in five minutes.
I want to talk to you. Watch this.
You can talk to me while I'm hammering, all right?
Wait! Not on my table. Marion
Keep going, I can't hear you. No, no,
I want to talk to you about these bird things.
Talk it up, talk it up. Wait a minute!
I want to talk to you about these blasted birdhouses!
Why is he yelling at me?
Oh, Howard, you're just upset
about all the hammering.
Would you like to go upstairs?
I'm not in the mood, Marion.
I'm going out and get a paper.
But, Howard, I have a chicken in the oven.
Let him get his own paper.
Now, what's up with big H?
Oh, it's just that Howard and I
are very worried about you. Why is that?
Well, it-it's not like you to (banging)
Stay up in your room for a whole week.
I've done that before.
Not alone.
Hey, true, huh?
Hey, what is Alfred's birdhouse doing here?
Oh, he sent it over to be fixed.
You see that, I told you he'd like it, huh?
'Cause he knew you were afraid to his place.
Afraid? Is that what everybody's saying afraid?
Yeah, 'cause those guys chased you out last week.
Chased? Well, I'll just go right down there
and fix it in front of him.
Hey, Fonz, you gonna pound those guys?
Hey, hey, hey, Shortcake,
there is no reason to fight.
You can talk your way out of any fight.
You know what the key is? Control.
You know, Joanie, you look really cute in my jacket,
but there is a, uh, spot on my sleeve
which I'm sure that you will clean.
There is a spot on the sleeve of my jacket.
I am in control.
Everything is in control.
There's a spot on my jacket.
FONZIE: Okay, now, that's
gonna hold it right there, see that?
Great.
You know, I think I'm making a lot
of people uncomfortable here today.
Well, you just got to understand
that people aren't used to seeing the Fonz
under complete control.
Hey, I can dig that.
Yeah. Hey, okay.
Hey, look who's here.
Oh, hi, Butch, hi, Bernie.
Huh, huh, huh?
Building any dollhouses lately?
Uh I'm going up, Cunningham.
Come on down, Fonz. Okay, I'm coming down.
I'm coming down. You're doing good.
I never thought I'd see him again.
They must have given him the day off
at the chicken coop. (Chuckling)
(clucking like a chicken)
BUTCH: Aw
Look at his little dollhouse.
Aw.
Show us how you play.
Cunningham?
It's just talk, Fonz.
It's just talk, it's just talk. Yeah.
Hey, dollhouse man, while you're sitting there,
why don't you shine my shoes?
(Fonzie groaning)
Fonz!
I-I-I'm just going for a walk.
I'm just going for a walk, Richie.
I'll tell you when you can leave.
Uh, Richie, uh?
Get him.
Yeah. (Snaps fingers)
Shortcake!
Whoa, am I sorry you touched me!
'Cause, you know, when I get touched,
I feel like pounding,
I feel like like hitting,
I feel like ripping, you know, like
Now, that could have been your head, gentlemen.
Now, that's the guy I was talking about.
What are you getting so hot about?
You apologized.
Yeah, yeah, I apologized.
Get over here, get over here.
BUTCH: We apologized.
You apologized.
We were only kidding.
Oh, yeah, well, I wasn't kidding.
Just hold your ground.
I am not going to hurt them.
I am not hurting them, I am in control.
(shouts)
Just kidding, just kidding, huh?
All right, all right, what?
Can we go now?
Yeah, you can go now.
Hey.
Why don't you run?
(crowd cheering)
I want to talk to you for a minute, Cunningham.
I was in perfect control.
You know, that was your fault.
You went bananas over there
with "Get him," you understand?
Well, yeah, but I wouldn't want
people to push you around.
I'm not too crazy about that,
either, let me tell you.
I mean, the guy got physical, right?
And you had to draw the line.
I drew it pretty well, huh?
Yeah. Yeah.
And then, you let them off the hook.
You proved that talking is better than punching.
That's 'cause I'm ahead of my time, Cunningham.
Right.
And Fonz? Yeah?
That's why I was proud of you.
Oh, you're proud now.
Well, that's different than disappointed, ain't it?
All right, I'm okay now, right? Yeah.
No more shrinks,
no more birdhouses.
Well, maybe I'll just fix this one, you know?
Oh, yeah, I'll help you carry it home.
What has she got in my pockets here?
Lipstick, compact, what is this?
Oh. (Chuckling)
She put taffy in your pocket, too.
Cunningham, the taffy is mine.
Hey, Shortcake!
ALFRED: All right, everybody out.
We're closing, closing up. (Disappointed groans)
FONZIE: Hey, Alfred, Alfred, what is the rush?
Oh, hey, Fonz, stick around a little bit, will you?
I want to talk to you.
Okay, good night.
Hey, uh, come on Fonz, the girls are in a hurry.
Yeah, right, I'll be right there.
Wait for me, right?
Look, Fonz,
listen, I I want to thank you
for setting me up with Choo Choo.
It was my pleasure I figured
you'd like her better than a birdhouse.
Well, no, the birdhouse was nice.
Yeah, wasn't it?
Not as nice as
FONZIE: Hey, I can dig it.
I can dig it. Hey, Fonz,
would you give me a few tips?
Oh, yeah, come here, Alfred.
To start off, start dancing with her.
It gets her blood up, you know what I mean?
ALFRED: All right, yeah.
Hey, Fonz, would you mind hurrying up?
She's blowing in my ear,
and we're not even to the car yet.
Control, Cunningham, control.
Let me tell you, this is no time for control.
Look at that.
My teacher is in a rush, huh?
All right, hey, hey, hey.
Come on, man, this dance is on me.
(blows air)
I'm walkin', yes, indeed All right.
I'm a-talkin' about you and me ♪
And I'm hopin' that you'll come back to me ♪
I'm lonely as I can be ♪
I'm waitin' for your company ♪
I'm hopin' that you'll come back to me ♪
Whatcha gonna do when the well runs dry? ♪
You're gonna run away and hide ♪
Oh, boy, I hope you're Italian!
I'm walkin', yes, indeed ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These are such happy days ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rockin' and rollin' all week long ♪
These days are ours ♪
These days are ours ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪