Mandy (2019) s04e04 Episode Script
Mand on the Run
1
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came and
you gave without taking
But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and
stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
Ey, Lola, some dickhead's gone
and bred a strain of giant bees.
I'll bet it was a man.
Of course it was a man!
Women haven't got time to
breed a strain of giant bees.
We're too busy.
Did you hear about the Banksy?
The what?
Banksy. The artist.
He has done another very
clever satirical painting
on the side of the library.
What do they look like?
Well, he'll do things
like two policemen kissing
or a very big mouse
holding a balloon.
Very clever.
Everyone is talking about it.
I hope he does another one
on the front of the salon.
They will bring so
much money to the area.
How?
Well, hopefully, when people
visit to see the Banksy,
they will come in and get
some acrylic tips put on -
-make a day of it.
-Oh, right.
Might go and see it.
-See if I can squeeze it in before the Jobcentre.
-Mm-hm.
MUSIC: Fool's Gold
by The Stone Roses
Hey, Lee!
Lee!
Sorry, Mandy. Noise-cancelling.
-Where are you off to?
-Going to go and look at a painting.
That doesn't sound like you.
No, well, I'm at a
bit of a loose end.
-Not working, then?
-I'm not good at anything.
-What are you up to?
-This and that.
I've got to go away
for a while tomorrow.
-Oh, what, holiday is it?
-Sort of.
The thing is, I've got
no-one to water me plants.
-You wouldn't be up for doing it?
-Oh, I don't know.
All's you got to do
is let yourself in
and water the plants.
Hang out, watch TV
while you're there.
I've got a big screen.
-How big?
-65 inch. 4K.
I'll do it.
And there'd be a few
quid in it for you.
-Sounds right up my street.
-Great.
Come back to mine, I'll
give you the spare key.
Forget the painting.
-But I've never seen a Banky.
-I have.
Essentially, they all
look the fucking same.
Here you go.
I'll leave some
instructions in the hall.
The main thing is,
DON'T LET THEM DIE!
Or we'll both be in
a lot of trouble.
What sort of trouble?
Oh, nothing. Forget about it.
But DON'T LET THEM DIE.
Here you go.
Ta. Have a nice holiday,
Lee, I'll see you soon.
Cheers, Mandy. I will.
Er, I'll text you when
I'm coming back, yeah?
-Yeah. See ya.
-All right.
OK, here we are.
Have you ever worked in a
fish and chip shop before?
No.
Well,
they say - no experience required,
they'll train you up on the job.
Mm, lucky old me.
Shall I give them a ring?
-Do what you like.
-Oh, my G
I'll give them a ring, then.
Honestly, your attitude
absolutely stinks.
Oh, hi. Is that Le Chippery?
Oh. No, I don't want
to order anything.
No, no. God, no.
No, I'm just I'm
calling from the Jobcentre.
Yeah, I've got
someone here who is
extremely interested in
your trainee position.
Oh. OK! Great!
Um, yeah, no problem.
Fantastic! I'll pass it on.
Well, Mandy, it's
your lucky day.
They're absolutely desperate.
They say you don't need to
interview for the position.
You just turn up tonight at 6pm.
OK? It's minimum wage,
but you do get all the
green chips you can eat.
Mm-hm. I thought
you'd like that.
FRONT DOOR CLOSES
SHE READS ALOUD
Bloody hell, he
likes it hot in here.
He must have forgotten to
turn the thermostat off.
MUSIC: Zoo Be Zoo Be
Zoo by Sophia Loren
Zoo be zoo be zoo
Zoo be zoo be zoo
Zoo be zoo be zoo
Zoo be zoo, zoo be zoo
Means that I love you!
Zoo be zoo be zoo
Zoo be zoo be zoo
Zoo be zoo be zoo Zoo
be zoo, zoo be zoo ♪
Fuck me,
he loves his plants.
Here's a simple
idea for you ♪
MUSIC: Naked In The
Rain by Blue Pearl
I'm in over my head
Fire fills me, hot and red
Raging like a blood red sun
Fire fuel led by deeds undone
Burning and I just can't wait
to give a helping hand to fate
Change this crazy world
around First we gotta cool down
Take me dancing
naked in the rain
Feel it washing
over me, Oh, oh ♪
SHE COUGHS
Join me dancing ♪
Uh
Turn that down.
Save him a fortune.
JINGLE PLAYS
TV: - Let's see how
the Red team is doing.
Sue and Jeff think
this toasting fork
They'll never get 60 quid for
for that lamp!
SHE CHUCKLES
Look at the fucking state of it!
SHE SIGHS SOFTLY
It's back to the drawing
board for the Red team,
which they think will
net them a tasty £300.
MUSIC: Pointless Theme Tune
Thank you very much. Hello,
I'm Alexander Armstrong,
and welcome to Pointless.
Pointless?! How long
have I been asleep for?
Oh, fuck me, I'm late.
-Are you from Jobcentre?
-Yeah.
-You are late!
-I know, sorry, I fell asleep.
You work in chip shop before?
No, but I've spent a
lot of time in them.
You know? And sometimes,
if I can't afford chips,
I'll just come in and look at
the saveloys under the hot lamp.
This is for you.
Oh, you fucking!
This is your first and
ONLY training session.
Pay attention!
You do chips. I do fish.
Chips easy.
Fish hard.
- I - do fish. Understand?
Yeah, yeah, I understand.
See this?
-Chips.
-Chips.
See this?
-Hot fat.
-Hot fat.
200 degrees. Put chips in.
Wait!
-Take chips out.
-Take chips out.
Easy.
You think even YOU can do it?
Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yeah.
I do fish. MUCH harder.
Very skilled job.
This fish batter
-SCREAMS: - Do not touch!
-Agh!
-Oh!
-You good at chips,
you learn fish in maybe four
five years. Understand?
Yeah, I understand, it's a
long-term career. I get it.
So now, it's going to
get very busy here.
-Is it?
-I'll go get fish from freezer.
YOU, make chips. Make chips!
SIZZLING
What?! What is happening here?
You let chips burn!
You just stand there!
What is the meaning of this?!
You burn many chips - that
comes out of your pay.
You must pay attention!
You are stupid lady!
You fucking bitch!
Agh!
SIZZLING AND SCREAMING
Er, two cod and chips, please.
Can you wait 15
minutes for the chips?
Mm.
Interview at Radcliffe
Police Station.
For the purpose of the tape,
those present - DCI Shaun Lambert,
DS Colin Butler
and Mandy Carter.
You can't smoke in here, Mandy.
What about Sharon Stone? She
smoked in HER police interview.
And she wasn't
wearing any pants.
I always wear 'em.
You never know when you
might get run over by a tram.
Or arrested.
Mandy, do you know
why you're here?
What is it this time?
Doing a job for the cash
and not telling the social
while billionaires fiddle their
books to avoid paying tax?
Grievous bodily harm.
And supplying cannabis.
What?! I've done neither.
Remember this? Mm?
Mrs Tanaka at Le Chippery?
You know what we
could do you for -
battery!
HE CHUCKLES
Do you get it? Ba
-Not now, Colin.
-Sorry.
Do you recognise that woman?
Yeah, but she was a nutjob,
she pushed me too far.
Have you not got a
legal representative
that's supposed to
be here for you?
They said they'd send me a lawyer
but no-one's turned up yet.
Look, let's just get
on with it, shall we?
Knowing you lot, you'll
fit me up anyway.
Do yourself a favour, sweetheart,
and get yourself a lawyer!
A good one.
Yeah. DS Butler's
got a good point.
Maybe we should just give him
a few more minutes to get here.
CLATTER
-Sorry I'm late.
-For the purpose of the tape,
the suspect's lawyer has
just entered the room
on an e-scooter.
You know those things are
illegal on public highways?
And pavements.
Of course I know. I'm
a lawyer, aren't I?
Anyway, I'm not
on the pavement -
I'm inside the room.
-Hello, I'm Mark. I'm your legal representative.
-Mm.
Move over, OJ, I've got
my own fucking Dream Team.
Just say "no comment"
to everything,
like they do on the television.
What are the charges
against my client?
Grievous bodily harm
and supplying cannabis.
Bloody hell.
I normally do parking.
Do you recognise this man?
Yeah, that's my mate, Lee.
Yeah, well, your mate
is wanted by Interpol
for supplying cannabis.
Any idea where he is?
Said he had to go
away for a while.
He will be going away for a
while if WE catch up with him.
A LONG while!
There is a way out of
this for you, Mandy.
We can make you a deal.
You let us know when
Lee's back in the country,
and we'll get you a reduced
sentence on the cannabis charge.
And we'll even turn a blind
eye on that chip shop incident.
Deadly ASSAULT and vinegar!
-Colin, not now.
-Sorry.
What do you think?
No comment.
BELL DINGS
How did it go at court?
-Eh?
-I said, how did it go at court?
Oh, I have to do
community service.
I've already started.
They've given me a jet-washer
and I have to get all the chewing
gum and muck off the streets.
I quite like it.
How much do you have to do?
100 hours.
That's not much for a
drugs charge, is it?
No, well,
I had a good lawyer.
Hey, these these vegetarian
sausage rolls from Werzel's
are incredible. You wouldn't
know it wasn't meat.
Oh, 'ello! Look who it is.
Suspect is approaching
the property.
OH, SWEET JESUS!
Suspect is now
inside the property.
Suspect is on foot.
Mandy, what the
hell have you done?!
Go, go, go!
Ring me back as soon as
you get this message!
Lee Smith, you're under arrest -
possession of cannabis plants
with the intent to supply!
Intent to supply?
Supply what? Dead plants?
Oh thank you, Mandy Carter.
MUSIC: Naked In The
Rain by Blue Pearl
Oh, fucking hell,
that looks awful.
Soon have that shit off.
In over my head ♪
- SHOUTING: - It's a Banksy!
Fire fills me,
hot and red ♪
SHOUTING
Raging like a
blood red sun ♪
SHOUTING
Fire fuel led
by deeds undone. ♪
-Get her down! Someone get her down!
-Bloody idiot!
SHOUTING AND PROTESTING
What?!
Oh.
I got that graffiti off.
As an apology, cos of your face.
Is that job still going?
Mandy Carter,
I HATE YOU!
Aimer toujours le meme homme
C'est des histoires a la gomme
L'amour mon vieux
c'est tout com me
Du bubble, bubble gum. ♪
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came and
you gave without taking
But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and
stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
Ey, Lola, some dickhead's gone
and bred a strain of giant bees.
I'll bet it was a man.
Of course it was a man!
Women haven't got time to
breed a strain of giant bees.
We're too busy.
Did you hear about the Banksy?
The what?
Banksy. The artist.
He has done another very
clever satirical painting
on the side of the library.
What do they look like?
Well, he'll do things
like two policemen kissing
or a very big mouse
holding a balloon.
Very clever.
Everyone is talking about it.
I hope he does another one
on the front of the salon.
They will bring so
much money to the area.
How?
Well, hopefully, when people
visit to see the Banksy,
they will come in and get
some acrylic tips put on -
-make a day of it.
-Oh, right.
Might go and see it.
-See if I can squeeze it in before the Jobcentre.
-Mm-hm.
MUSIC: Fool's Gold
by The Stone Roses
Hey, Lee!
Lee!
Sorry, Mandy. Noise-cancelling.
-Where are you off to?
-Going to go and look at a painting.
That doesn't sound like you.
No, well, I'm at a
bit of a loose end.
-Not working, then?
-I'm not good at anything.
-What are you up to?
-This and that.
I've got to go away
for a while tomorrow.
-Oh, what, holiday is it?
-Sort of.
The thing is, I've got
no-one to water me plants.
-You wouldn't be up for doing it?
-Oh, I don't know.
All's you got to do
is let yourself in
and water the plants.
Hang out, watch TV
while you're there.
I've got a big screen.
-How big?
-65 inch. 4K.
I'll do it.
And there'd be a few
quid in it for you.
-Sounds right up my street.
-Great.
Come back to mine, I'll
give you the spare key.
Forget the painting.
-But I've never seen a Banky.
-I have.
Essentially, they all
look the fucking same.
Here you go.
I'll leave some
instructions in the hall.
The main thing is,
DON'T LET THEM DIE!
Or we'll both be in
a lot of trouble.
What sort of trouble?
Oh, nothing. Forget about it.
But DON'T LET THEM DIE.
Here you go.
Ta. Have a nice holiday,
Lee, I'll see you soon.
Cheers, Mandy. I will.
Er, I'll text you when
I'm coming back, yeah?
-Yeah. See ya.
-All right.
OK, here we are.
Have you ever worked in a
fish and chip shop before?
No.
Well,
they say - no experience required,
they'll train you up on the job.
Mm, lucky old me.
Shall I give them a ring?
-Do what you like.
-Oh, my G
I'll give them a ring, then.
Honestly, your attitude
absolutely stinks.
Oh, hi. Is that Le Chippery?
Oh. No, I don't want
to order anything.
No, no. God, no.
No, I'm just I'm
calling from the Jobcentre.
Yeah, I've got
someone here who is
extremely interested in
your trainee position.
Oh. OK! Great!
Um, yeah, no problem.
Fantastic! I'll pass it on.
Well, Mandy, it's
your lucky day.
They're absolutely desperate.
They say you don't need to
interview for the position.
You just turn up tonight at 6pm.
OK? It's minimum wage,
but you do get all the
green chips you can eat.
Mm-hm. I thought
you'd like that.
FRONT DOOR CLOSES
SHE READS ALOUD
Bloody hell, he
likes it hot in here.
He must have forgotten to
turn the thermostat off.
MUSIC: Zoo Be Zoo Be
Zoo by Sophia Loren
Zoo be zoo be zoo
Zoo be zoo be zoo
Zoo be zoo be zoo
Zoo be zoo, zoo be zoo
Means that I love you!
Zoo be zoo be zoo
Zoo be zoo be zoo
Zoo be zoo be zoo Zoo
be zoo, zoo be zoo ♪
Fuck me,
he loves his plants.
Here's a simple
idea for you ♪
MUSIC: Naked In The
Rain by Blue Pearl
I'm in over my head
Fire fills me, hot and red
Raging like a blood red sun
Fire fuel led by deeds undone
Burning and I just can't wait
to give a helping hand to fate
Change this crazy world
around First we gotta cool down
Take me dancing
naked in the rain
Feel it washing
over me, Oh, oh ♪
SHE COUGHS
Join me dancing ♪
Uh
Turn that down.
Save him a fortune.
JINGLE PLAYS
TV: - Let's see how
the Red team is doing.
Sue and Jeff think
this toasting fork
They'll never get 60 quid for
for that lamp!
SHE CHUCKLES
Look at the fucking state of it!
SHE SIGHS SOFTLY
It's back to the drawing
board for the Red team,
which they think will
net them a tasty £300.
MUSIC: Pointless Theme Tune
Thank you very much. Hello,
I'm Alexander Armstrong,
and welcome to Pointless.
Pointless?! How long
have I been asleep for?
Oh, fuck me, I'm late.
-Are you from Jobcentre?
-Yeah.
-You are late!
-I know, sorry, I fell asleep.
You work in chip shop before?
No, but I've spent a
lot of time in them.
You know? And sometimes,
if I can't afford chips,
I'll just come in and look at
the saveloys under the hot lamp.
This is for you.
Oh, you fucking!
This is your first and
ONLY training session.
Pay attention!
You do chips. I do fish.
Chips easy.
Fish hard.
- I - do fish. Understand?
Yeah, yeah, I understand.
See this?
-Chips.
-Chips.
See this?
-Hot fat.
-Hot fat.
200 degrees. Put chips in.
Wait!
-Take chips out.
-Take chips out.
Easy.
You think even YOU can do it?
Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yeah.
I do fish. MUCH harder.
Very skilled job.
This fish batter
-SCREAMS: - Do not touch!
-Agh!
-Oh!
-You good at chips,
you learn fish in maybe four
five years. Understand?
Yeah, I understand, it's a
long-term career. I get it.
So now, it's going to
get very busy here.
-Is it?
-I'll go get fish from freezer.
YOU, make chips. Make chips!
SIZZLING
What?! What is happening here?
You let chips burn!
You just stand there!
What is the meaning of this?!
You burn many chips - that
comes out of your pay.
You must pay attention!
You are stupid lady!
You fucking bitch!
Agh!
SIZZLING AND SCREAMING
Er, two cod and chips, please.
Can you wait 15
minutes for the chips?
Mm.
Interview at Radcliffe
Police Station.
For the purpose of the tape,
those present - DCI Shaun Lambert,
DS Colin Butler
and Mandy Carter.
You can't smoke in here, Mandy.
What about Sharon Stone? She
smoked in HER police interview.
And she wasn't
wearing any pants.
I always wear 'em.
You never know when you
might get run over by a tram.
Or arrested.
Mandy, do you know
why you're here?
What is it this time?
Doing a job for the cash
and not telling the social
while billionaires fiddle their
books to avoid paying tax?
Grievous bodily harm.
And supplying cannabis.
What?! I've done neither.
Remember this? Mm?
Mrs Tanaka at Le Chippery?
You know what we
could do you for -
battery!
HE CHUCKLES
Do you get it? Ba
-Not now, Colin.
-Sorry.
Do you recognise that woman?
Yeah, but she was a nutjob,
she pushed me too far.
Have you not got a
legal representative
that's supposed to
be here for you?
They said they'd send me a lawyer
but no-one's turned up yet.
Look, let's just get
on with it, shall we?
Knowing you lot, you'll
fit me up anyway.
Do yourself a favour, sweetheart,
and get yourself a lawyer!
A good one.
Yeah. DS Butler's
got a good point.
Maybe we should just give him
a few more minutes to get here.
CLATTER
-Sorry I'm late.
-For the purpose of the tape,
the suspect's lawyer has
just entered the room
on an e-scooter.
You know those things are
illegal on public highways?
And pavements.
Of course I know. I'm
a lawyer, aren't I?
Anyway, I'm not
on the pavement -
I'm inside the room.
-Hello, I'm Mark. I'm your legal representative.
-Mm.
Move over, OJ, I've got
my own fucking Dream Team.
Just say "no comment"
to everything,
like they do on the television.
What are the charges
against my client?
Grievous bodily harm
and supplying cannabis.
Bloody hell.
I normally do parking.
Do you recognise this man?
Yeah, that's my mate, Lee.
Yeah, well, your mate
is wanted by Interpol
for supplying cannabis.
Any idea where he is?
Said he had to go
away for a while.
He will be going away for a
while if WE catch up with him.
A LONG while!
There is a way out of
this for you, Mandy.
We can make you a deal.
You let us know when
Lee's back in the country,
and we'll get you a reduced
sentence on the cannabis charge.
And we'll even turn a blind
eye on that chip shop incident.
Deadly ASSAULT and vinegar!
-Colin, not now.
-Sorry.
What do you think?
No comment.
BELL DINGS
How did it go at court?
-Eh?
-I said, how did it go at court?
Oh, I have to do
community service.
I've already started.
They've given me a jet-washer
and I have to get all the chewing
gum and muck off the streets.
I quite like it.
How much do you have to do?
100 hours.
That's not much for a
drugs charge, is it?
No, well,
I had a good lawyer.
Hey, these these vegetarian
sausage rolls from Werzel's
are incredible. You wouldn't
know it wasn't meat.
Oh, 'ello! Look who it is.
Suspect is approaching
the property.
OH, SWEET JESUS!
Suspect is now
inside the property.
Suspect is on foot.
Mandy, what the
hell have you done?!
Go, go, go!
Ring me back as soon as
you get this message!
Lee Smith, you're under arrest -
possession of cannabis plants
with the intent to supply!
Intent to supply?
Supply what? Dead plants?
Oh thank you, Mandy Carter.
MUSIC: Naked In The
Rain by Blue Pearl
Oh, fucking hell,
that looks awful.
Soon have that shit off.
In over my head ♪
- SHOUTING: - It's a Banksy!
Fire fills me,
hot and red ♪
SHOUTING
Raging like a
blood red sun ♪
SHOUTING
Fire fuel led
by deeds undone. ♪
-Get her down! Someone get her down!
-Bloody idiot!
SHOUTING AND PROTESTING
What?!
Oh.
I got that graffiti off.
As an apology, cos of your face.
Is that job still going?
Mandy Carter,
I HATE YOU!
Aimer toujours le meme homme
C'est des histoires a la gomme
L'amour mon vieux
c'est tout com me
Du bubble, bubble gum. ♪