Ted Lasso (2020) s04e04 Episode Script

1
[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[TRENT] Thank you for
coming. How have you been?
[SHARON] Good. Happy to be here.
- [TRENT] Lovely. Ready to roll?
- [SHARON] Yes.
You're listening to Through
the Laces with Trent Crimm
presented by our friends at Grady
Locks: Hair care for the silver fox.
Use code "Trenty-twenty" to
get 20% off your first order.
Yes, yes, yes. I'm here
with Dr. Sharon Fieldstone,
professor of sports psychology
at Loughborough University.
And she's here to talk
about her new book,
Unlocking the I in Team: The
Psychology Behind Team Building.
- Dr. Fieldstone.
- Mr. Crimm.
[CHUCKLES] Sharon, it's
good to have you here.
I'd like to start with a phrase that you
return to several times in your book,
"Lose the dressing room, lose the team."
I actually invoke that same phrase
in my book, The Richmond Way,
out now in paperback.
- I haven't read your book.
- Okay.
- I'll send you home with a signed copy.
- [CHUCKLES]
Anyway, "Lose the dressing
room, lose the team."
Could you expand on that for us, please?
Successful teams are happy teams,
and happy teams have coaches
that establish a culture
of communication and trust.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[SHARON] The majority of that
work happens in the dressing room.
- [CHATTER CONTINUES]
- What do you think's going on in there?
They're probably showering
and getting dressed.
Uh-huh. Yeah. No, that's true.
I gotta say, Coach,
I don't like not being able to
walk into a ladies' locker room
whenever I feel like it.
And that's something you
should never say out loud again.
Yeah, I felt that the second after
I heard the word "ladies"
come spitting out my mouth.
Yikes. That sounded
worse than the last one.
- Yeah, man.
- I just mean,
I used to be able to walk
into any part of this building.
And I don't love being made to feel
like I'm now violating the lady parts.
What the heck is going on with me?
- You okay, Coach?
- I don't know.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Oh, thank God.
Sorry, uh, Boots wanted to shower right
away to wash the blood off her hands,
and then she took forever to air dry.
Hmm.
Hey, hey, hey, congrats
on the win, y'all!
[ALL CHEERING]
All right. Now this means that we are
still undefeated after four matches.
- With only two wins.
- And two draws against lesser teams.
Yeah, but undefeated is undefeated.
But I appreciate that aspect
of y'all's personality.
But, um uh, great defense today.
Let's give it up for Lizzie
and the twins helping Boots
- get her first clean sheet of the season.
- [CHEERING]
[CHEERING STOPS]
And, uh, hey, what about Gemma
- and that killer header for the win, huh?
- [WHOOPING]
Go, Gemma. Go, Gemma. Go, Gemma.
Sorry, I'm a little hard of hearing
ever since I went to the Eras Tour
and sat next to a group
of overzealous girl dads.
- Come on. Give it up for Gemma.
- [CHEERING]
Yeah, let's make their
heads even bigger.
And how about our, uh, midfielders
giving their all out there, yeah.
[SCATTERED CHEERING]
Uh, okay, hey, thank
you all for your effort.
And we'll see each and every
one of you on Monday fun day.
- Great.
- [CHEERING]
[TED GROANS]
- Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [CHAIR CREAKS]
- Why does it keep doing that?
Okay. Look, I don't know
what's going on in there,
- but it's a problem.
- It's a big problem.
- It's cliques.
- Hmm?
- You never had cliques in the men's team?
- Not really.
- No, we-we had factions.
- You know, posses, maybe.
Yeah, that's the same
thing. Those are cliques.
- Oh, okay. All right.
- Hmm. Huh.
How do you think these
cliques are divided though?
Well, it looks to me like it's
currently by attackers, defenders,
and midfielders, but that
can change out of nowhere.
Makes sense. Attackers think defenders
are cautious and lack creativity.
And defenders think attackers are
opportunistic and lack discipline.
Meanwhile midfielders are the
people-pleasers caught in the middle.
- Exactly.
- Okay, wait, slow down.
Just explain that to me again, please.
Let me break it down in one of your
little stories you love so much.
- Oh.
- So the three cliques
are like the three main
characters in Harry Potter.
- Ouch.
- Oof. Coach already knows this,
but Harry Potter is
one of my blind spots.
Mate, you don't know Harry Potter?
My little boy got into Percy
Jackson, and we never looked back.
It's okay. I'll translate.
Carry on with your wizarding jag.
So the attackers are like
the character Harry Potter.
Who's like Ferris Bueller.
'Cause they create exciting moments,
but can be a little selfish at times?
- Boom.
- Your defenders are like Ron Weasley.
- Hmm.
- Who's a total Cameron Frye.
'Cause they're protective and loyal,
but they also skew
anxious and risk-avoidant.
And then the midfielders
are like Hermione Granger.
The great Sloane Peterson.
'Cause they are logical and seek balance
and despite their quiet leadership
can feel underserved by
the narrative at times.
- Okay, got it. Wonderful.
- Oh, hey,
just out of curiosity,
amongst the three of us
who do y'all think is the attacker?
Mm-hmm. And who's the defender?
And who's a midfielder?
Interesting. Okay. All
right. So this is good.
We don't have a problem.
We just got cliques.
- Yes, but
- Cliques are a huge problem.
Hmm.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
[CHATTERING]
I'm so glad we're here.
- Hmm.
- It's really quite inspiring, isn't it?
- Yes, a mere £2,000 a head
- Yeah.
to have lunch with the same people
you'd never voluntarily
choose to spend time with.
- Good afternoon.
- [SCOFFS]
It is my sincere pleasure to
introduce our keynote speaker.
She is managing partner
at Scorpio Sports,
which is one of the first major
funds to invest exclusively
in women's professional athletics.
She is also my dear friend.
Ladies and gentlemen, Zelda Southport.
Thank you. Thank you very
much, Hugo. Thank you.
You know, it's a shame that the
repercussions of the patriarchy
stopped men from wearing bronzer.
Wow. You all look like
ghosts in this light.
[LAUGHTER]
[SHRIEKS]
Not you, Hugo. You just look dead.
Ah, hello, you very important people.
Your money keeps women's
football in England afloat. Bravo.
[CHEERING]
Bravo. Bravo. But
I wonder what would happen if you
actually cared about women's football,
beyond the great press
and the occasional
reputation-laundering, you know?
Uh, oh, Hugo, Hugo, by the way,
how's the corruption case going?
- [GUEST MURMURING]
- Huh?
Yeah, I hope that
those prats at Interpol
come down from their
high horses, don't you?
[GUESTS MURMURING]
[KEELEY GIGGLES]
But back to you pale, chinless wonders.
I-I'm just wondering
what it would be like
if you actually went
to the women's games?
- [KEELEY] Mm-hmm.
- If you knew their names,
and yeah, not just the
cute little blonde ones,
but if you put your fucking hearts
where your fake allyship currently is.
[ATTENDEE SCOFFS]
Well, if you're interested in what
I have to say, I will be at the bar.
But if you're not interested,
then could you just order
your drinks at the table,
because I just hate waiting in lines.
See ya.
- Whoo! Yes!
- Ooh.
We'll break early for lunch.
- Come on.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
We have to talk to her. The
whole point in us being here
is to talk to people who have
done what we're trying to do.
Right. I've spent far too much
time with rich, angry women.
- I mean, I used to be one.
- Rebecca, please.
- [SIGHS]
- Please, please, please, please.
- Fine. Yeah. Okay.
- Come on.
[CLEARS THROAT] Excuse us.
- Now. Ooh.
- Yes.
Ms. Southport, hi. Um,
this is Rebecca Welton.
- She owns AFC Richmond Women's.
- Hello.
And I'm Keeley Jones, CMO.
We really loved your speech.
- [CHUCKLES] Oh, thank you.
- [REBECCA] Yeah.
Yeah, I remember reading about
your divorce and thinking,
"That woman's ex is nearly
as fucked-up as mine."
- [CHUCKLES] Well
- Mm-hmm.
we don't need to
be defined by our exes.
I don't mind being defined by mine,
'cause I invented the banana clip.
[GASPS]
And my back-then much
more business-savvy ex,
he patented it in his own name,
divorces me,
and then he made millions.
And that really pissed me off,
so I invented the claw clip.
- [GASPS] Oh.
- Yeah. Have you got a claw?
- I do. Right here.
- She's got a claw.
- [KEELEY] Yeah.
- Everyone's got a claw.
And now nobody gives a shit
about the banana clip, do they?
- [KEELEY] No.
- Nope.
So never underestimate
the power of anger as fuel.
- Right?
- Ooh.
[SIGHS] Hmm.
So I assume you want my advice
- about your women's football team, yeah?
- Yeah.
Let me know if you want
to set up a meeting.
Absolutely. What are you
doing right after this?
Easy, tiger. Uh, I'll
have my office call you.
- Yeah.
- All right, that sounds good.
Okay.
Hugo, you really do look terrible.
- Do you think she'd sign my clip?
- Possibly.
Now, when I think of cliques,
I think of teenage girls and
not professional athletes.
Well, in my experience, professional
athletes and teenage girls
can act, at times, quite similar,
but cliques are just a way to find
a community in a stressful environment.
[TED] Would you look at that.
They're all playing together
pretty well, if you ask me.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
All right, y'all, five-minute
water break. Let's go.
[CHATTERING]
See, sometimes you got to let these
things heal themselves on their own.
To quote Rachel Carson,
"There is something infinitely healing
in the repeated refrains of nature."
Exactly. Nature should
be healing itself.
Like, when a worm loses its
tail it'll just grow another one.
- That's right.
- Mm-hmm.
- But isn't a worm all tail?
- Ooh, that's a good question.
Yeah, footballers are not worms.
[SIGHS]
And we met this badass
woman, Zelda Southport.
She bankrolls all these
women's teams across the world.
She has two football teams in Europe,
a WNBA, a professional
ice hockey team, rugby.
And she is financing the West End run
of all-female Glengarry Glen Ross.
She does have to arm-wrestle
David Mamet for the rights,
but I have all confidence that she
What?
Nothing. It's just
I fucking love when you're excited.
Yeah, I am excited.
Has it been long enough yet?
Am I allowed to ask?
Keeley, I heard you
met the Zelda Southport.
Did you know she had a post-punk
band in the early '80s called Seizure?
Bit of a Slits derivative, but
they had some really catchy tunes.
You know that Deliveroo ad with the
wiener dog on the back of the motorbike?
I'm coming to you quickly,
so quickly Woof, woof ♪
That's a Seizure song.
- Sorry, did I interrupt something?
- Roy wants us to try again.
Try what?
Oh, oh! I'm going.
No, no, stay.
- I don't think you're ready.
- What the fuck do you mean I'm not ready?
I mean, how many women have you
dated in the past three years?
None.
You haven't slept with
anyone in three years?
Oh, I've slept with loads of
people. I thought you said "dated."
- I don't mind stepping away.
- No, it's all right.
- Why haven't you dated any other women?
- 'Cause I want you.
Yeah, for now.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You've slept with all these women,
but you haven't actually
committed to getting to know them.
Really see who they are or
let them see who you are.
No, instead you've put me
on this fucking pedestal.
And it is high up here, man, and
my heart is afraid of heights.
- I'm gonna leave you two alone.
- No, you're not going anywhere.
Okay, so what, you want me to
go on a bunch of proper dates
- with women who aren't you?
- I want you to be sure.
- Okay, great. How many dates?
- The number is not the point, Roy.
- Five dates?
- Five could work. It could be more.
- Twenty dates?
- Ooh, that's too many dates.
- Ten dates then.
- Ten is a good number.
Okay, great. Ten it is.
- Higgins, you can keep track.
- I don't want to do that.
- It's okay.
- No, we don't mind.
You go and have fun on
all those dates, yeah?
I will.
And you be careful up
there on your pedestal.
Promise.
I should call my wife.
So in The Richmond Way,
which you've not read, which is fine,
although I do hear it is a quick read,
I talk about the
unexpected team building
that comes out of team movie nights.
Yes, but movie nights aren't
really social, are they?
You sit next to your
teammate, you don't speak.
If someone speaks, somebody shushes you.
One of the many reasons why I
prefer to watch movies on my phone.
With cliques, the idea
is to create a space
where the different
factions can interact.
- Hey, Coach.
- Hmm?
Don't forget, this is the week we find
out who we're playing in the FA Cup.
Yeah, okay, but first we got
to break up these cliques, huh?
What do they do in the movies?
In Mean Girls, Regina
George gets hit by a bus.
Double-decker would kill
someone. That's a pass.
In Heathers, Veronica
murders all the Heathers.
Also a pass. What happens in Lost Boys?
In Lost Boys, the vampire clique
gets broken up by stakes to the heart.
Yeah. I'll tell you what though,
it's the lack of adult supervision in
that movie that's the real antagonist.
- Amen.
- We ain't got a Mean Girl or a Heather
or a dreamboat of a vampire
with a dangling earring
- on our team.
- Love a dangler.
I've been suffering with
so much FOBOLR these days
"Fear of being outside
the locker room." Nice.
that I forgot the two quickest ways
to bring a group of people together:
A common enemy, or a common goal.
Or better yet, one of each.
It's happening. I'm
relaunching the pub quiz.
Relaunching? Why did you
shut it down the first time?
Turns out all the answer
sheets I downloaded were wrong.
- Every single question.
- Hmm.
Got into a bit of legal hot water.
But now the NDA has expired, we're back.
My time to shine, baby.
Mae, this fella right
here, he's a pub quiz whiz.
Best in the biz. No bullshiz.
He's won trivia nights
all around the world.
Whoa. All around the world?
- How many continents is that, Mae?
- Oh. Still 29, is it?
[ALL LAUGHING]
You three are banned from quiz
nights until further notice.
- Oh, dang it.
- Oh. [GROANS]
Now I can only go to one of the
other thousand quiz nights in this town.
- [CHUCKLING]
- What are you smiling about, Coach?
It's gonna be a bloodbath.
["BE HAPPY" PLAYING]
- Thank you for a nice night.
- Fancy a nightcap back at mine?
Um, I've got training
in the morning, so
Welcome to Bones and Honey.
London's oldest members' club.
Are you not leaving?
No.
Well, then
- Good night.
- Good night then.
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [SIGHS]
- Roy?
- Oh, Greta? Nice to meet you.
- Wow.
- How are you doing?
- Wow. It's really you.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, have a seat.
I hope you weren't waiting too long.
No, not at all.
Back so soon.
What can I get you?
Uh, G and T would be lovely.
- Great.
- And let me guess, espresso martini?
Yes, please.
I'll add that to your tab,
which you didn't close.
Thank you.
- Naughty.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Are you looking for someone?
- Oh, yeah.
- I'm meeting Roy Kent.
- Hmm. [CHUCKLES]
- Hold one second.
- Okay.
Hi. Sorry to interrupt,
but you have someone waiting
for you at the end of the bar.
Oh.
I'm sorry. That's a, uh, friend
of mine who's bad at time.
As in she's early for a drink,
because you're dating us
both on the same night?
- Yes.
- [CLICKS TONGUE] Great.
- I'm gonna go now. Mmm.
- Understood.
[GRETA SCOFFS]
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
Wow. Three dates in one night.
Not the record, but pretty good.
Hang on. Are you saying those
last two count as full dates?
You bought the girl a drink, and
you and the other one had some form
of gesticular intercourse, I guess.
- So, yeah. Martini's on me.
- Thank you.
Gemma Jay promotional jumpers.
Authorized.
- Oh, great. Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, she's quickly
becoming a fan favorite.
Ooh, also, when should we
set up a meeting with Zelda?
About that [CLICKS TONGUE] uh
I'm not entirely sure that
she's quite the right fit for us.
What? She has access to, like,
a quarter of a billion dollars
and she talks shit. How's
she not the right fit?
Oh, well, I appreciate that she's
very successful at what she does,
but Zelda Southport
isn't even her real name.
- It's Carol Dring.
- So?
It's probably her stage name from
back in the punk days or something.
Well, speaking of which,
do you know that back in
the day she was arrested
for threatening a club owner
with a pair of butter knives?
No, but both you and I
have things from our past
that a lot of people could judge
us for without the full context.
- Oh
- I'm confused.
What What are you trying to say?
I'm just saying, we can't be naive and
jump into business
with everyone we meet.
I'm not being naive.
Oh, I don't mean you.
- I just mean that we need to be
- You know what? It's fine. It's okay.
I have to go call Derek and put the
order in for those new jumpers ASAP.
Okay.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [SIGHS]
Well done.
[TRENT] And what happens
if cliques aren't broken up?
[SHARON] Well, resentment
festers, a fight breaks out,
a team could fall apart.
- I should go in there.
- No, you definitely should not.
Well, where's Coach then?
I don't know. I don't
have an Alice tracker.
- [PLAYERS ARGUING]
- I mean, come on, man.
What if there's an intruder in there?
Then 22 professional
athletes will take him down.
- [PLAYER SHOUTS] Get the fuck off me!
- Okay, come on.
[ARGUING CONTINUES]
[TED] All right. Hey! Hey,
hey, hey! Is everybody okay?
I said, is everyone safe?
- Yeah. Of course.
- [TED] Okay.
- [PLAYER] God.
- [TED] Are you all decent?
- Do you mean wearing clothes?
- Yes, I mean, are you not naked?
Yeah, we're all decent.
Okay, good. Now I'm gonna
take this off, all right?
- Yes.
- Okay, here it goes.
Okay. All right. Oh, hi.
Uh, what the hell is
going on in here, huh?
Y'all sound like a bunch
of overzealous girl dads
fighting over friendship bracelets.
- I'll tell you what happened.
- Please.
Niamh's disgusting socks
- were in my area.
- Her area?
- [ALL ARGUING]
- Oi! Oi! It's not about the socks.
- Good. What's it about then?
- Okay, it's because Gemma is still mad
that Siobhan didn't swap
shirt numbers with her,
- like a fucking psycho.
- Like a psycho.
- Four's my lucky number.
- Here's your four.
- Hmm!
- Fucking arsehole.
Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me?
Hey, Coach, we didn't do anything
and they just started attacking us.
- [ALL ARGUING]
- They're so defensive.
- I understand. Okay.
- We just got
caught in the middle of this shit.
Which is exactly why Mady
shouldn't have to deal
- with Niamh's disgusting socks.
- [ALL ARGUING]
- [GROANS]
- [LIZZIE] Oh, my God!
We're all having a lot
of big feelings right now.
- That's clear.
- Piss off, Lizzie.
We're not one of your fucking kids.
- Ooh!
- [WHISTLES]
Oh, I know you're not, my darling.
Because if you were one of my kids,
I would spank your arse so fucking hard
that your crack'd turn sideways.
- How's that?
- [WHOOPING]
Okay, okay. That's enough. Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, that's enough. Okay?
We're gonna change the way we do
things around here starting right now,
'cause fun time is over.
All right? Practice tomorrow, canceled.
- What? You can't do that.
- That's right.
I can do that. I'm the
coach and I just did it.
It's done, okay?
Instead, we're all gonna go
to a pub and do trivia night.
- Got it? That's right.
- [ALL EXCLAIM]
And guess what? It is mandatory
and y'all don't get to
pick whose team you're on.
- [ALL GROANING]
- That's my job.
[GROANING]
Yes. Hush your butts.
I don't wanna hear it.
That is what's happening, okay?
So later tonight each and every one
of you will get a Partiful invite,
or maybe even earlier,
if one of y'all show me how to
do that kind of thing on my phone,
'cause I don't know how to
download apps in this dang country.
Have I made myself clear?
[ALL] Yes.
- Good.
- What do you think you're doing?
Oh, I can explain
It was his idea. I didn't
want anything to do with it
I leave you for two minutes.
- I was like, "We should wait for Alice"
- I made sure everybody was decent
- like John Wayne
- [HUSHES]
- In his defense, there were screams
- I don't want to hear it.
- [BOOTS] Are we having a team meeting?
- Ah, no, d-don't turn around.
- [TED] What?
- Don't turn around.
Get out. If you turn around,
I'll fucking kill you.
- I will. I mean it. I will
- Are we in trouble?
Get out. Get out. Don't turn around.
Even when you get in
there, don't turn around.
- Boots!
- [PLAYERS CHEERING, WHOOPING]
["HIDEAWAY" PLAYING]
Should we get another round?
No.
The woman I want to be with
told me I had to date ten women,
and that is the only reason
I'm on a date with you.
You're lovely,
and I've really enjoyed learning
about your journey with sleep apnea.
And if the circumstances
were any different,
I'd want to get another
round and take you home,
CPAP machine and all.
I do know this makes me a dickhead.
And I am sorry.
I'll take a burger, medium-rare,
and a nice bottle of wine.
Absolutely, I'll order at the bar.
[SIGHS]
Well, five dates in two days.
Speed isn't considered
a virtue in dating.
Yeah, all right. Calm
down. It's only been four.
I'm counting this.
Oh.
[MUSIC FADES]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- Good luck tonight.
- Don't need it. [SIGHS]
Okay. Terri, Evellyn, Paris, Margy.
I realize you're not the brightest
bunch, but I believe in you guys.
- Gemma, shut the fuck up.
- [TERRI, EVELLYN] Wow.
- Got your quiz sheets? Great.
- [PATRON] Yeah, I've got 'em.
Shocker, the attackers only
thinking about themselves.
Guess we'll get our own beers.
- [SHANNON] Mmm.
- All right.
- You want one, keeper?
- No, thanks, I don't drink.
I once passed out on a
train, woke up in Chelmsford,
ended up working at a
castle for three months.
- Is that why you don't drink?
- What? I'm just telling a story.
- [CHUCKLES]
- What?
Right, team name.
- Oh, I defer.
- Whatever you got.
So, Coach, you gonna hold back with
the full force of your talent tonight?
Let other folks have a shot? [CHUCKLES]
Sorry. Silly question.
- Cheers, cheers.
- Hmm, cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Go on, say something different
- Okay,
vote for your favorite team name.
- We have got "Ice Cream Pants."
- Yep.
- "Truss Issues."
- "Truss Issues." Yeah.
We've got "Kate
Middleton's Body Double."
- [MADY] Mmm.
- Hmm.
Youse are all fucking cowards.
- Did you know that?
- Finally, we've got "Wagapapa."
- No, not going to vote for your own? No?
- Sounded stupid when you said it.
Great. Well, I'll just
fucking come up with it then.
[RINGS BELL]
[MAE] Okay!
Welcome to the relaunch of
the Crown and Anchor pub quiz.
[ALL CHEERING]
We'll go for five rounds,
ten questions a round.
The category for the first round is
general knowledge.
- That's not a category.
- You're not a category.
Question one: What is the
world's smallest country?
- That's the
- [SHUSHING]
[SOFTLY] That's the one
[WHISPERING]
- Okay, uh, let's think about
- Vatican City.
- We don't have to.
- Oh, yeah.
Question two: Lewis Carroll wrote
this poem in a nonsense language,
about the [GRUFFLY]
killing of a monster.
- Uh, so
- Jabberwocky.
- Don't bother.
- How do I spell that?
J-A-B Shall I do it?
- What the fuck?
- [COACH BEARD] It's faster.
Sometimes you got to ride the
horse in the direction it's facing.
In this instance, the horse is a
genius at a very specific thing,
and we are riding its
coattails, you know?
Speaking of which, did y'all
get the Beach Boys over here?
What?
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Come in.
Hi.
Hi.
Can we talk?
- Always.
- Not here.
["NO HARD FEELINGS" PLAYING]
And after three rounds, we have
a three-way tie for second place.
- If I Were A Richmond.
- [CHUCKLES] Cheers.
- There Will Be Brians.
- Come on!
And We Can't Think Of A Name.
- Come on, tell 'em.
- Best friendship. Boom.
[MAE] Each with 22 points.
Oh.
[MAE] But in a commanding lead,
and a perfect score of 30,
- Flying Coach.
- [TED WHOOPS]
- No way.
- Of course it is.
- Oh. Big surprise.
- Classic.
Now's the time to fill what's
empty and empty what's full.
See you in five.
I'm gonna head to the loo.
- Oh.
- You know what I'm talking about.
Y'all let me know if I can get
you anything while I'm in there.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Ah. Gross.
Excuse me.
All I do is win, win,
win No matter what ♪
Got money on my mind
I can never get enough ♪
And every time I step
up in the building ♪
Everybody ha ♪
[ALL CHEERING]
- Soda for you.
- Thank you.
- It's all right.
- Slainte.
- Bless you.
- Cheers.
But it's not just the jumper pattern
'cause look, if you look here,
- her right hand is literally blurry.
- [GABRIELLE SPEAKS FRENCH]
What if it's not a body
double, but a clone?
[CHUCKLES] Or-Or a secret twin!
Oh, that's like The Parent
Trap, innit? It's like
- I fucking love that movie!
- Oh!
Cheers to Paris's surprising
knowledge on Russian literature.
- [SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
- [ALL CHEER]
Let's go.
[CUSTOMER] Oi, oi, oi.
We know who you are. You're
a bunch of footballers.
- Well, girl footballers.
- [LAUGHING]
- What's the difference?
- Your speed, your stamina
- Quality of play. Uh
- Your tits.
[LAUGHING]
That's all right. I
don't think me and my tits
would enjoy your speed,
stamina or quality either.
- [PLAYERS LAUGH, WHOOP]
- [LIZZIE] Have that, you bellend.
Shut your mouth.
- I'll come and smack your bottom.
- Who are ya? Who are ya? Who are ya?
So I watched that Ferris
Bueller film last night.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah,
and when it finished, I
immediately rewatched it.
And I watched it again this morning.
Wow, what'd you think?
- I fucking hated it.
- Hmm.
I felt really sad for his sister.
Yeah, no, I get that. Hey, Coach
[MELANCHOLY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
[TED, DISTORTED] Coach? Everything okay?
- [SNAPS FINGERS]
- Blink if you can understand me.
[BELL RINGS]
- [MAE] Back at it with round four.
- Uh-oh.
["WILD IN THE STREETS" PLAYS]
[BOTH MOANING]
[GASPS] Yeah.
- Oh! Fuck!
- [MUSIC STOPS]
Wait, did you just
- No, it's my fucking knee. Fuck.
- [BODY THUDS]
- Fuck. Fuck.
- [PANTING] Oh. Oh.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck.
- Um, d-do you do you need help?
- No, I'm good.
- Okay.
Fuck.
- I'm-I'm gonna get back to work then.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Cheers.
- Fuck.
- ["WILD IN THE STREETS" RESUMES]
[MUSIC ENDS]
I never really cared about
football until I met Roy.
Mmm.
But you wanna know what made me love it?
You.
Getting to sit and go through all the
wild ups and downs of
this sport together.
[REBECCA CHUCKLES]
I know I don't always
do things the right way.
Asking for stadiums and team
trains and cryotherapy chambers.
You haven't asked for
a cryotherapy chamber.
- Oh, I will.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
Please know it's because I am so excited
to be building something with my
best friend from the ground up.
[SIGHS] I'm sorry that you must
always feel I'm telling you no.
- [SIGHS]
- That is okay too,
- because every time you tell me no
- Hmm.
it forces me to think of a
different way of getting things done,
and it's always better. Always.
If we keep encouraging
each other like this,
in a couple of years, we're
not gonna be sitting here.
We're gonna be at Nelson Road.
A couple of years?
I'd give it a year.
[REBECCA CHUCKLES]
[BOTH GASPING]
Jesus Christ!
Oh, that's really cool, isn't it?
We're gonna do that on Saturday right
after the girls come out of the tunnel.
Oh!
- I love it.
- Yeah.
I think the smoke could have a
cooler tone though, don't you?
Kenneth?
Can we do it again but
add some more blue, please?
You got it, Keeley.
Oh, just a heads-up, this next
one's got a bit of a boom to it.
Got it off a mate of mine
who does pyro for Maiden.
Oh, yeah!
[BELL CHIMING]
[MAE] And after five rounds of play
and a stunning fall from
grace by Flying Coach,
we have a tie.
Your final two teams are:
We Can't Think of a Name.
- [CHEERING] Fuck yes!
- Come on! Yeah! That's how you do it!
And There Will Be Brians.
[ALL] Yes!
You're not just bad at football! ♪
- I said
- Mae.
La-la-la-la! La-la-la-la!
- Shut the fuck up.
- Argh, you dickheads.
Sudden death round.
The category is children's books.
Fuck yes!
Good luck knowing anything about
kids' books, you dickless dweebs.
Well, I'm Irish-Catholic with 40 nieces
and nephews all below the age of seven.
And I'm an assistant librarian.
And I'm learning to read again
after a serious head pineapple.
He means head injury.
And I think we're gonna be just fine.
In the book Goodnight Moon,
name five things the little
rabbit says "goodnight" to.
Nope. I don't like books
where animals can speak.
Right, right, right.
Listen, listen. Kittens.
- Okay.
- Yeah. Mouse.
- No fucking way.
- Fucking cow jumps over the moon.
Okay, okay, two more, two more.
Okay, yeah.
- Bears.
- Okay, okay.
- Cool.
- Last one is
You've got this. Yes.
[ALL MUTTERING]
- There's one more.
- Nah, you've got it.
- It's in there. I feel it. I feel it.
- Come on. Come on.
- Come on, come on.
- You can, you can. I can feel it in you.
Come on, Lizzie, think. We've
got to beat these pricks.
Don't just do it for
us. Do it for your kids.
For Richmond. For women.
Can you just shut the fuck up? Hush.
- Hush.
- [GASPS]
[WHISPERING] Old lady whispering hush.
- Fucking yes!
- [CHATTERING]
Yes!
- No fucking way.
- [MUTTERING]
Erin, this is my brother, Roy.
Roy, this is my friend Dr. Beaumont.
She's doing this as a favor, so be nice.
Oh, and don't worry, I've already
told her how you re-injured yourself,
so you don't have to watch
her stifle her laughter.
I can't make any promises though.
Okay, I'll be outside. Love you. Bye.
Look, I-I don't know what
she told you, but she's a liar
and she makes things up. Cheers.
Right. Pop that on, and then
just step behind the curtain.
- Take off all your clothes and any metal.
- [GROANS] Fuck.
Thank you.
So, how long have you been having
problems with this knee then?
[GROANS]
I don't know. About
five years, off and on.
- [GROANS]
- How off, how on?
On. Always.
- Right. How are you managing the pain?
- [GROANS] Ibuprofen.
And how many ibuprofen
are you taking a day?
Sometimes two. Sometimes two handfuls.
Well, why the hell haven't
you had this looked at before?
'Cause I'm fucking fine. How many
fucking questions do you have?
Just one.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Did you seriously wear
those socks on a date?
- That's two questions.
- That's fair.
Come on, let's get
you in the noisy tube.
[BELL RINGS]
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have our results.
And with five correct answers,
the winners are
- We Can't Think of a Name!
- [ALL CHEERING]
Yay!
Yes! Fucking dickheads!
Yes.
You're not just shit at trivia!
You're not just shit at trivia! ♪
- You fucking cheated.
- I what?
I saw you. You told
her the fucking answers.
Have a day off, you fucking twat.
[LAUGHS]
Oi! You all right?
- Oi, dickhead, what'd you do that for?
- You're just a rat bastard!
Shannon, can I, um, have your beer?
Yeah, but I thought you don't drink.
I don't.
[ALL YELLING]
[ALL] Oh!
[SHRIEKS]
- [ALL SHOUTING]
- ["IT'S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT" PLAYING]
Oh, hell.
[MUSIC ENDS]
- Oh, no!
- What?
- The women's team have been arrested.
- They've what?
Yep. They're being held
at Richmond station.
- We need to get down there right now.
- Wait, I've got to tell Ted.
- No, no, no, he's been arrested too.
- What the fuck?
Oh, my God, we've got to get down
there. He's not gonna last the night.
- I know.
- Oh, my God!
[SCREAMS] Jesus fucking Christ!
- Too much?
- Yeah, maybe just a hair.
["OH YEAH" PLAYING]
[ALL WHOOPING]
[MUSIC ENDS]
How about that?
Ted Lasso, you're my hero. [SCOFFS]
- There he is. What happened to you, man?
- [SIGHS]
This.
Wow. Okay.
But hey, in, uh, better news,
our, uh, separate little
cliques have become, uh
What do you call it? A giant
cluster clique, I guess?
It's called a team, Coach.
Right, a team.
[OFFICER] Okay, ladies,
settle down, settle down.
Right.
Beard. Lasso. You two are out.
Hmm.
Okay, um
Hey, really nice meeting
you fellas. And, uh,
you should come check
out a match sometime.
Watch our gals beat someone else's ass.
Ooh.
- [COACH BEARD] We bad.
- That's right. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
When do you think we can start
having sex with each other in here?
We will have your results
in the next couple of days.
This is such a fucking waste of time.
I just need to ice it.
Ice. Brilliant. Let me get the
Nobel committee on the phone.
Until then, I recommend that
any random hookups happen
in the horizontal position
until the swelling goes down.
In your knee or your ego.
- I mean, he's fun, isn't he?
- Yeah, he's a blast.
- Uh, thank you, pal.
- You owe me.
Well done, Roy.
Who the fuck does she think she is?
What the fuck is her fucking problem?
How the fuck do I get her phone number?
[TRENT] And when the cliques
are finally dissolved?
[SHARON] When a team gets along,
when they truly care about one another,
nothing is out of reach.
That chemistry can take them
wherever they want to go.
And if they attempt to bring charges,
I will remind you of
Beckford v. R, AC 130,
- okay?
- [SIGHS]
"A man who is about to be attacked
does not have to wait for
his assailant to strike.
- Certain circumstances "
- My babe, don't worry,
nobody's pressing charges. No
one's gonna show up on any record.
I've handled it.
Wait, who are you?
Me?
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
I go by many names.
I just don't remember 'em doing
that much paperwork on Miami Vice.
- [REBECCA] Ted.
- Hey, boss.
What's going on? How are you all out?
Great questions. You
know, I got one for you.
- Who is Zelda Southport?
- Why?
- Well, I just, um
- There you are.
- [KEELEY] Hi.
- Is this your doing?
The team out on bail?
Don't worry, it didn't cost a cent.
The Chief Constable, he's an old friend.
He used to buy heroin from my drummer,
- and he owes me a favor
- [TED] Mm-hmm.
because I know that he
buys his coke from him now.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God, you're a legend.
- Thank you so much, Zelda.
- [LAUGHS]
- Yes, thank you.
- May I trouble you for his number?
Hey, Higgins. What's going on?
Leslie, you didn't
need to get out of bed.
We've got everything covered.
I was up anyway,
watching the FA Cup draw.
- Who did we draw?
- Chelsea.
- [GASPS] Home or away?
- Home.
Great. All right. And Chelsea are
[BOTH] Really fucking good.
They're the best team
in the country, Coach.
Okay, well, then, this
should be fun. All right.
Uh, hey, y'all. Guess what?
We're playing Chelsea in the
next round of the FA Cup at home.
[CHUCKLES]
Fuck yeah!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
Let's get a photo with
the future Cup winners!
[ALL CHEERING]
Here! I'll take the picture here!
I'll take it for them.
Oh, you're a good-looking
lot. Ready? Football!
- Ooh, a photo like that
- Oh, that's great.
could make a lot of waves,
- don't you think? Mmm.
- [KEELEY] Mmm.
Uh, I'm gonna get out of here,
guys, 'cause I really hate the filth.
- [CHUCKLES] Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
Hey, listen up. Lady Greyhounds.
I know it's late.
I know you're weary. I know
your plans don't include me,
but we are all gonna head back to Mae's
and help her clean up
tonight, okay? All right?
- No, I don't really want to do that.
- We're happy to drive you all back.
I appreciate that, man, but these
gals are all gonna run there,
- all right, 'cause there's gotta be
- Run?
some repercussions
to tonight's shenanigans.
Tell you what, the coaches will
take a ride though, all right?
Okay, come on now, off we go. Let's go.
Right, come on then,
let's fucking do it.
Come on. Do it. Come on,
it's what he said. Ready?
We're Richmond till we die
We're Richmond till we die ♪
We know we are, we're sure we
are We're Richmond till we die ♪
- Hey, hey!
- We're Richmond till we die ♪
We're Richmond till we
die We know we are ♪
- Yes, sir. Yeah, you show us the way.
- Thank you.
Zelda's right.
We need to convert tonight into
something real, something big.
- Hmm.
- Like a feature in The Guardian?
No. We're gonna sell out Nelson Road.
[REBECCA] Oh, Keeley. But
Yes. Absolutely. Yes, we are.
[KEELEY] Yes! [CHUCKLES]
Thanks, guys. Take care.
[CLEARS THROAT]
- Ah. You have time for a drink?
- Yes.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Wow. Ted and the Richmond
women's team have been arrested.
- How on earth could that have happened?
- It doesn't matter if you know
why Ted does what he does.
What matters is that he knows.
Okay, that's a direct
quote from my book.
I knew it. I knew you'd read it.
I haven't read your
book. I listened to it.
Are we getting a drink?
I haven't got all night.
After you.
["U.N.I.T.Y." PLAYING]