Animal Control (2023) s04e05 Episode Script

1
Thanks to a string
of missed shots in the
field, and because shame
builds character, maggot,
I shall now retrain you
in the art of the net gun.
Meet your target.
This is safe, right?
We'll know soon.
Officers, take aim.
Release the target!
It's not your friend, it's a toddler
being chased by a timber wolf.
- [FRANK] Fire!
- [GUN FIRES]
Did you even have your
eyes open for that shot?
Fail!
[DAISY] Oh!
I can't do it.
I can't shoot my boy.
Your boy just killed a mother of three.
- Fail!
- Oh.
Wait for it.
- Gotcha.
- [GUN CLICKS]
Did you jam my gun?
Always check your cartridge.
Fail!
You have brought shame
to the name of Colin Brown.
Come on, guys.
Inventor of the net gun.
- [GUN FIRES]
- [FRANK STRUGGLES]
[GROANING]
[DAISY CHUCKLES]
Fixed the cartridge.
Sir. Lunch, anybody?
I could go for some Thai.
All these nets have me craving seafood.
Your training worked.
She hit you on the first shot.
Wait, are you guys going
with Thai or seafood?!
Seafood, they say
Shut up, maggot! Sorry.
- Sorry, you want me to help you up?
- Yeah. Can you help me?
[VOCALIZING]
Okay. Next up, we have a personal
announcement from Daisy.
Oh, yes.
Do not use the quilted toilet paper.
I bring that from home.
It is not my fault that Seattle
can only afford one-ply.
- Thank you.
- [EMILY] Thank you, Daisy.
Yeah, duly noted.
Oh are we starting on time?
Yeah, just like we do every morning.
Wait, so this this is
the morning meeting?
Man, having a job is crazy.
Parker, did you use our
gym to do some squatting?
We hear you're good at that.
Nah, Big Cat. Today was chest and arms.
See, with Parker, your
sarcasm doesn't break through.
It's like somebody
throwing darts at a tank.
Ting! Ting! Ting! Ting!
Did you guys choreograph
an anti-sarcasm dance?
Parker, you really fine,
but you are distracting.
And my boss has the floor right now, so.
Understood. My apologies. I
gotta get out of here anyways.
- Bye.
- Ooh, you taste salty.
It's like like kissing a potato chip.
- [PARKER] Ah!
- That's nasty.
- Yuck.
- And next up,
as a thank you to Frank
for returning their horse last month.
Rutton Ranch House
sent him this gift certificate
for a free couple's sunset horse ride.
Romantic and free? That's
my kinda date, Big Cat.
Oh, I'm shutting that nickname down.
Are you sure? 'Cause it's good.
Oh, if it's available, I call it.
I'm Big Cat now. Frank, if I
may. When was the last time
that you went on an actual date?
It's hard to keep track of those things.
Yeah, it's three months by my count.
You said you were taking
time to work on yourself.
That long of a dry spell,
I'll bet he's working on himself.
- Hey-oh!
- Hey-oh!
That's so fun. Um,
so this gift certificate
expires at the end
of the month, which is
that, oh that's today.
Cool idea. Give it to
me, and I'll take Parker.
Doesn't he get enough free stuff?
I mean, he walked outta
here in my gym shorts.
It's tonight. That's a tight timetable.
Even for me. For you, impossible.
There's just no way.
Insulting challenge accepted.
[VICTORIA] You know what? Fine.
Find a filly by 5:00,
or the free ride is mine.
Shake on it.
- Shake my
- Oh! Oh
Dry spell's making a lotta sense.
Hey, Community Outreach Officer.
First official event
tonight. Very exciting.
I figured, why do a neutering event
when you can do a neutering experience?
- Mmm
- Right?
Dr. Green does the surgery.
I pour the wine.
That's why I called it
the Sip and Snip.
- Yeah.
- Love that.
Yeah, it's very ambitious.
DJ's ready, food trucks are ready.
- It's
- Food trucks.
- So so multiple.
- Yep.
Mmm. Maybe I should just
stay tonight and help out.
Aren't you the one who gave an entire
PowerPoint presentation
about how you were gonna
delegate more after the merger?
That was a PowerPoint
and this is real life.
Okay, so in that case,
maybe I'll just send you
a text update every 20 minutes.
The way I make Danny do on sleepovers.
That would be great. Would you?
- You were joking.
- Mmm.
As was I. I trust you, obviously.
- Hey!
- Hey.
Thanks for volunteering to help out
at the Sip and Snip tonight.
Yeah, totally.
Uh, but you know what
would be even better?
I'm not spying on Patel for you.
You have to! This whole
thing is shaping up to be
- a real poop show.
- No. No way!
Patel's in double thumbs-up mode.
He's got this. Look at him.
See?
It's not a big deal. Just
turn on your body camera,
let it roll, and then
I'll watch the live feed
from another room.
Okay, look, I don't usually
bring up the HR stuff
with our relationship, but right now,
you're wading into a very gray area.
Okay.
You know, it's kinda hot
when you set boundaries.
- Really?
- Say it again.
Very gray area.
Okay! Okay.
Oh, I'm sure they would
delay the sunset ride
for you, Heather.
Well, anywho, what
time do you get off work?
9:30? That's ridiculous.
Let me talk to your boss.
- [CALL ENDS]
- Hello?
- Hello?
- Let's look at the bright side.
At least that lady remembered you.
The first woman remembered me.
She just couldn't remember from what.
You're like a batter
in a slump, brother.
You know, you're in your
head. You're overthinking it.
Yeah, well, that's what
regular thinking looks like
to an under-thinker.
Now, there he is!
See, the sarcastic guy doesn't
care what anybody thinks.
That's the guy who's gonna get a date.
I'm not taking you on the horse ride.
The more you push me
away, the more it makes me
wanna come and getcha.
[PARTY MUSIC PLAYS]
Daisy. Hey.
Can you get me another
box of wine, please?
Daisy.
- Oh. Uh.
- Hey.
You have something more important
than Barbra Streisand's life story?
Do you know she used
a water bottle as a doll?
Okay. I'm sorry.
I thought you were here to help.
Oh, no, I'm here to
butter up Emily so I can
ask for more vacation
days for my cruise.
Uh, listen, Big Cat.
Hey!
Either you help me, or I tell Emily.
That was a good use of the nickname,
but bad use of the ultimatum.
I just have to tell Emily
that you can't handle this.
Oh. Well.
- Well, you boxed me in.
- Yes.
Can you just make
sure people are filling out
- the sign-in sheet?
- Hell no!
Actually, yes.
Because there might be
some single hotties in here
and you already know they're
thoughtful about birth control.
Yeah, whatever.
Okay.
Dr. Green!
You ready to slice
'em and dice 'em, bro?
Ready? I already started and get this.
One of those dogs had
a tumor in his testicles.
- Nice.
- You're saving lives, bro.
Hey, can you put that in
an email to my parents?
[PATEL LAUGHS]
Oh
Put that in an email, for real.
- Please, I'm being serious.
- Yeah.
Hey! What the heck is this?
[PATEL] We've talked
about this a million times
Boss?
Hi! Hey. I was, uh
checking my makeup in the good light.
[EMILY CHUCKLES]
Okay, fine. I was spying
on the Sip and Snip.
I have a problem.
Okay, that's it. You're coming
with me to Tai Chi class.
It'll get your mind off of things.
- Come on.
- Tai Chi? Uh.
- Yes.
- Oh, okay. Yeah.
No, it's-it's probably for the best.
Um, I think the guys in the motor pool
thought I was gonna jump.
Okay. Come on.
I know the CDC says
we're not supposed to
snuggle these girls,
but, boy, is it tempting.
Sorry about him, he
got dropped on his head.
By me. Later today.
I needed a laugh.
Jokes are free, the rest
comes outta your taxes.
Oh, so technically, you're my employee.
I have 4.2 million bosses
as of the latest census.
I'm a very busy man.
Well, thanks for making
the time for little old me.
Absolutely.
[CHICKENS CLUCKING]
What's wrong with your face?
I'm probably just having a reaction
to that sparkling repartee.
I'm not gonna ask out
a woman that we just
helped out on a
call. It's inappropriate.
I don't think there's anything
wrong with dating people
you meet through work.
I mean, everybody's so
concerned about power dynamics
and making people uncomfortable.
You know what makes me uncomfortable?
Policing the heart, brother.
I'll ask her out.
Because the clock is ticking,
and I refuse to debase myself
by asking the ranch for an extension.
Approach is good.
Let's just hope he
doesn't want it too bad.
Oh, and she's laughing.
Oh, and he's walking back.
He didn't overstay his welcome. Yes!
Not gonna break stride
because it wouldn't look cool.
Going straight to the truck.
But I need you to get
her number, I forgot to ask.
He's back.
[SHRED] So, the doctor's name is
- Excuse me.
- Is Dr
- Come here.
- Yeah.
Uh, we we have a situation.
So, remember that stray French bulldog
we picked up yesterday?
We just neutered it.
Boom! Add it to my total.
Turns out it's not a
stray, it's a prize-winning
breeder dog and, uh,
its owner just showed up.
- [PATEL] Oh, God.
- Okay, I just Googled it.
French bulldog breeders
get $8,000 a puppy.
There's four to five dogs per litter.
That's that's like
Okay, baby, you're straining.
Just know it's a lotta money.
You really screwed
us on this one, Patel.
You were in charge
of the check-ins, right?
- You dropped the ball.
- But you are in charge of me.
- You dropped two balls.
- 'Cause you're the leader.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop!
The bigger thing is that
Emily's gonna lose her mind
when she hears it.
But no one's gonna hear about
this unless someone narks on us.
You gonna nark on us, buddy?
Don't threaten my boy.
But no one can hear
about this, sweetie, okay?
Hey, again, just given
our slight age difference,
it feels odd when you mother me.
- Listen, we need an idea.
- Yes.
What if we say that the vet
found a suspicious growth?
Had to operate to save the dog's life.
I kinda like this idea.
What? Guys.
Faking dog tumors? That's
what we're on right now?
- That's what we're on.
- Dog tumors?
I know, I know, he's
right. We can't do that.
Without Dr. Green's help.
Coming up on 5:00 PM.
You strike out?
Does that answer your question?
My date is running a little bit late.
In fact, I'm gonna send her another pin.
Oh my god, Frank. There's so many texts.
You got stood up, partner.
No! No. She's a farmer.
There's no service out there.
Yep. It's over.
Man, this place has it all.
Gym. Shower. Wine bar.
I might never leave.
I have a fun idea for us.
I love fun and your ideas.
Sunset horseback ride
at Rutton Ranch tonight.
Hmm. Blah.
Why are you making those noises?
Yeah, it's not like she
asked you to get a job.
I just don't vibe with the
idea of riding animals.
It doesn't seem cool.
What about the three
animals in that meatball?
Come on, I used to ride
all the time back home.
Those horses never complained.
I don't know, I just can't.
You know, but I don't
want you to miss out.
So why don't you take
Frank? He's already got
the cool boots and everything.
I mean, the gift voucher
would just go to waste, so
Which technically means I
just scored a date, so I win.
And by the way, I will be quoting
the movie Tombstone throughout the ride.
I don't know what that is.
Parker, you like Tombstone?
I love pizza.
Emily.
This is my instructor,
Sifu Gary.
Oh, it sounded like
you said Seafood Gary,
but that can't be right.
Is-is that right?
Sifu is like a title, like teacher.
Mmm.
- Welcome to our class.
- Thanks.
Bettany's here every week,
right there in the front row.
Took me a while to get up
there. I started in the back.
Then Diane got carpal tunnel
and I saw my opening. [LAUGHS]
Oh, um
Oh, um, Boss, there's
no phones in class.
It's a pretty strict policy.
Oh, totally. That
yeah, that makes sense.
Um maybe we should have Sifu Gary
hold your phone until class is over.
- Oh.
- I'd be happy to.
- Sure.
- And your Apple Watch.
Okay.
Yup. And your tablet.
- Oh, wow.
- Both of 'em.
Okay, just take the whole bag.
Oh, my gosh.
I haven't seen that much denim
since we trapped that possum
at the Yellowstone viewing party.
Wait, they're coming
over. They're coming over.
Howdy, partners.
- Hi.
- Howdy.
Wow, you guys are
adorable. Are you twins?
Oh, we're married.
Hmm, didn't say no to being twins.
I'm Paul, this is Sapphire.
[VICTORIA] Stop it!
- I'm Paul.
- And I'm Sapphire.
Oh, you're kidding!
We're kidding. That
was that was not true.
Gotta keep an eye on you two.
Whoo!
Paul, get a photo of me
fake drinking out of the water trough.
- Absolutely.
- Yes, Paul!
Whoo! Oh my god, so fun.
Wow, Paul and Sapphire definitely met
at a strip club, huh?
Maybe, but Paul's a terrible stage name.
Rise. Breathe in.
Sink. Breathe out.
Rise. Breathe in.
Sink. Breathe out.
Rise. Breathe in.
Sink. Breathe out.
- [KEYBOARD TAPS, CALL DIALS]
- Rise. Breathe in.
- Bettany?
- [EMILY] Hey, it's me.
I'm on Bettany's phone. How's it going
at the Sip and Snip?
Sink, breathe out.
Uh
Fine.
Wait. You paused.
Why did you pause?
Are you serious?
I'm sorry, I had to check
in. It's been, like, an hour.
- It's been nowhere near an hour.
- Bettany
We're holding the moon, not our phones.
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
It's just that we were
Maybe it would be best if
both of you excused yourselves.
Diane.
Why don't you come
back to the front row?
Enjoy your time in the sun, Diane.
It never lasts.
[EMILY] I am so sorry.
Dr. Green.
My guy! [LAUGHS]
Listen, hey, you remember that
dog with the suspicious growth?
Yeah. That was that was gnarly.
Yeah, super gnar.
Listen, I got this dog
owner been hassling me.
You wouldn't mind saying it's
that dog that had the growth?
Oh, you want me to lie.
Big time.
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
Well, I'd be risking
my license, so no.
Bro. Uh okay.
I guess the dogs aren't
the only ones around here
without balls.
Big Cat, Shred. Let's bounce.
- [DAISY] No balls.
- [SHRED] Sorry.
So, do all Americans grow
up wanting to be cowboys,
or is that just a stereotype?
I had Old West bedsheets.
Cowboys fighting
other characters.
Do all New Zealanders grow
up wanting to be Americans?
Until they meet people
like Paul and Sapphire.
What do you think
they're doing right now?
Probably finding out how much
denim chafes if you get it wet.
[VICTORIA LAUGHS]
This is so fun.
Parker never dunks on people with me.
Sometimes I worry that he's
too pure for my black heart.
Well, opposites attract.
Except in nature and
most healthy relationships.
Oh, shut up.
This is so pretty!
- [CHUCKLES]
- [PHONE BUZZES]
[VICTORIA] Must feel good
to be up past your bedtime.
Yeah. It is.
[EMILY] Can we talk yet?
Or are you still afraid you'll
say something you regret?
I'm okay.
I am so sorry that I got you
moved out of the front row.
I know today was kind of a disaster.
I just, I need to figure
out this delegating thing.
You're going bald, Boss.
I know, I did start plucking again.
Is it bad?
It's not awesome.
- Mmhmm.
- Since this merger,
you've been burning it at both ends.
You can't keep up.
And if that means you
gotta delegate some things,
put Patel in charge of an event,
so be it.
But you gotta let it go.
Totally. Yeah.
I have no idea how to do that.
Sifu Gary says it all
starts with the breath.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
[BOTH EXHALE]
Everything's okay.
Patel's got this.
Miss Davenport, thank
you for your patience.
I'm so sorry we had to neuter your dog.
I still don't understand.
For any and all questions,
I'm gonna have to direct you
to our resident veterinarian.
- Doctor, um
- B-Cat.
- Dr. B-Cat.
- Best in the business.
So, during a routine
examination, we unfortunately
found that your dog's
dangulus testiculus was,
in layman's terms, totally jacked up.
- Dangulus testiculus?
- Mm-hmm.
I don't know what the
hell's going on here,
but I'm calling my lawyer.
Uh, Officer Taylor
recently passed the bar.
He's our in-house counsel. He can
Uh yes.
But right now I'm mostly
focused on maritime law.
Mar what?
That's not my dog.
- Huh?
- This is precinct 12, right?
No, this is 22.
[LAUGHS] Okay.
I'm in the wrong place.
Oh! Thank God.
I mean, as a doctor,
you would hate to do a neuter wrong.
That would suck. [NERVOUS LAUGH] Wow!
I'm gonna leave, but
I know you're all lying,
and it's really messed up.
Oh, yeah, we know.
We are not good people.
- Oh. Oh, thank you.
- Wow.
I was just trying to help my friends.
How 'bout that?
This cat's got nine lives, baby.
Yo, Derek!
Let's spin it!
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
- Oh. Oh.
- Ooh!
[PATEL BARKS]
So what now?
It gets darker, and then stars come out.
Have you never seen a sunset before?
You know, this is, uh
- What?
- Strangely
It was really
- [PARKER] Victoria!
- Like
Victoria! Hey, it's me.
Is that Parker?
Hey. V! It's me!
Victoria! Hey, Babe.
[VICTORIA] Are you
being chased by coyotes?
What is happening?
I ran here, I couldn't
let the sun go down
on my shameful behavior.
We met you while you
were living in our friend's attic,
so you gotta be more specific.
Valid.
Okay, I lied earlier.
The real of it is, is that
I'm actually really scared of horses.
You should've told me that.
Even though it's really
childish and embarrassing.
Even standing this
close to this huge beast
- is terrifying.
- That's okay.
Mostly because of the teeth.
But if my girl wants to go on a ride
then I wanna do that with her.
Stop.
Take my horse.
Are you sure?
Yeah. Ranch House is close,
and you guys have almost
20 seconds of sunset left.
Come on.
[PARKER] Thanks.
Okay. Just, like
I would've gotten here sooner
but I ran into this couple
that was just talkin' my ear off.
Paul and Sapphire.
It was like running into the human form
of a sneeze that hasn't come.
- Baby.
- What?
That was kinda snarky.
Let's go. Babe, what else
do you hate about them?
I don't wanna judge,
but sorta everything.
Yeah, they were awful. Awful people.
Ladies!
[LAUGHS] Welcome!
Party's, uh,
winding down, but it
was a thorough success.
- Wow. Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
And there were no incidents?
No, we just, uh
ran a little low on
crudité, so that was dicey.
So, I'm just wondering then
what this text message means.
- Maybe you can help me.
- Sure.
Uh I'm doing what I can to stop it,
but Patel is committing medical fraud.
Frowny face.
You narked on me, bro?!
I didn't nark on you, bro!
It was me.
- Big Cat.
- [PATEL] What?
But it was your idea to be the fake vet!
[DAISY] That is disappointing.
You are diabolical. [GASPS]
This is about the emu, isn't it?
No! This is about me
taking this job seriously.
My biggest flaw is that I work too hard,
and some might say
that I need a vacation.
But that's not what tonight is about.
Tonight is about these dogs
and their nuts.
Thank you, Daisy. You have done
- Oh, you're not
- such good work, you can go.
It's always about the
emu, you son of a bitch.
You heard that, right?
We all heard that?
- Is that
- She's obviously lying.
But I think it is important to reward
narking and punish those who don't.
- Which is why the two of you.
- No.
Will spend all next
week scraping the floors
of the rabbit pens.
Wait, wait, no. Sorry. Time out.
It just really doesn't
seem fair because
Okay, well, that'll be all.
Bro.
Just breathe, Boss. Just breathe.
Yeah, we're not doing that anymore.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Looks like we all had
a rough night, huh?
Turns out you should
break in a pair of boots
before walking across
three miles of scrub brush.
You blew off the ride with Bonnie?
I did. Broke her heart
before she broke mine.
I'm a complicated man.
Don't get too close to me.
Well
here's to getting back on the horse.
Metaphorically and literally.
Oh, and, uh
Burn these.
It's too late in the
game for an extra hobby.
- Okay.
- Hey, you don't have to do it now. Just
You wanna have a drink?
- Make it quick.
- Okay.
- [FRANK SIGHS]
- [SHRED BURPS]
Um
Right.
Okay.
What the hell?
Occupied.
Parker, what are you doing?
Only thing this place
was missing was a sauna.
Not anymore.
No, the only thing this place is missing
is a lock you can't pick.
You need to shut this down!
- Actually
- What?
She's got bacterial dermatitis.
So, steam's really good for her skin.
Steam is good for our skin.
Us and them. You and me.
We're not so different, are we, lizard?
You're a real weirdo, huh?