Clarkson's Farm (2021) s04e05 Episode Script

1
[theme music playing]
[birds chirping]
[pigs grunting]
[creaking]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] It was now the middle of May
and although everything appeared
to be wonderful at Diddly Squat Farm,
my dream of buying a pub and getting it
open by the August Bank Holiday
was slipping away.
My office looked like the war room
from Winston Churchill's bunker.
[Jeremy] There's the Coach & Horses.
[Jeremy] But instead
of Nazi tank divisions,
my walls were plastered
with photographs of local hostelries
that were up for sale.
[Jeremy sighs]
There's something wrong with all of them.
Erm, oh yeah, there's The Quiet Woman.
Not really a pub.
It's not really what I want. That!
The Boxing Hare, is slightly too small.
Merrymouth, slightly too big.
Where else are we?
Duke at Clifton's got access problems
and another pub that isn't quite as good
as The Windmill.
But would I spend what
is a very considerable amount of money
on a dogging site?
I'll say, "Come on, families.
Come and enjoy this farm-fresh food.
Excuse that couple
in the Austin Maestro there."
It's so annoying.
If we could get
West Oxfordshire District Council
to lose the picnic site, declassify it,
that's perfect.
But it's
West Oxfordshire District Council.
[Jeremy sighs]
[Jeremy] Reluctantly,
I asked Charlie to find more options
["Heart Full of Soul"
by The Yardbirds playing]
And spent the next couple of days
doing farmering jobs.
Sick at heart and lonely ♪
Deep in dark despair ♪
Thinking one thought only ♪
"Where is she? Tell me, where?" ♪
[Jeremy] What you're saying
is because the bonnet is electric
- and the handbrake is electric
- Yeah.
- There has to be a secondary battery?
- Yes.
- [Jeremy] And that's what went wrong?
- [mechanic] That's what went wrong.
[Jeremy] Most of the chores
were pretty routine
But, at this time of year,
there's always one
I really look forward to.
[cows mooing]
[Jeremy] Today is the day!
Cows, you're going out.
It's been winter,
winter, winter, winter, winter,
winter, winter, summer.
- I know, amazing.
- No spring.
- Missed spring.
- Summer!
- In you go.
- [Lisa] Get in.
[Kaleb] Get on.
[Jeremy] Today is Freedom Day!
[soft music playing]
[Jeremy] God, it's just
Look how beautiful everything looks.
[Lisa] I know. It's perfect.
Just makes me happy to live in England.
[Jeremy] Look at that. Look at this.
Now, what's interesting is
Kaleb was saying if we don't get them out
there like now, these cows,
this grass will be too long for them,
which I can't understand at all.
I don't know how grass could be too long.
G-Dog!
[Jeremy] Always nice to see
the G-Dog out and about.
- [Jeremy] Right, are we ready?
- I sure am.
Right, cows.
Come on, be excited.
It makes me happy when you're excited.
- Hey-up!
- You're out, you're out. Look at that!
[Lisa chuckling]
Beautiful.
- [cows chomping]
- Oh, that sound!
- Listen, listen.
- [chomping continues]
[Jeremy] Well, they may not have
danced and run around,
but that's quite satisfying.
[Jeremy] Back at the yard
[Kaleb] Straight. Straight.
Whoa!
[Jeremy] I asked Kaleb
to explain the grass issue.
'Cause I still don't understand
why they won't eat long grass.
No, it's basically the sheep like it
like this long.
Cows like it like this so they can get
their tongue round it
and pull it out
and get the most nutrition out of it.
If it gets to here,
the plant nutrition is down here.
The top is bulking to get to seed,
and there's no nutrition in that really.
And the cow knows, if that makes sense.
Well, that is, honestly,
they're properly into it.
[Kaleb] Hey, hey, hey, hey!
[Jeremy] With the last
of the cows freed
- And there they are!
- [cows mooing]
[Jeremy] We moved on
to releasing the goats
[goats bleating]
Who first needed a bit of a lecture.
Now, what we're going to do, instead of
using an electric fence to keep you in,
we're going to fit each of you
with an electrical collar.
And then, if you go near the end
of the boundary I've prescribed,
you'll receive an audible warning
that you are approaching the boundary.
And if you continue to persist
with your escape attempt,
you will receive an electric shock.
So I suggest when you get
your audible warning, you turn around
and head back into the area
that I have prescribed.
- [goats bleating]
- Are you with me?
[Jeremy] That went well.
[goats bleating]
Whoa!
[Jeremy] Now, stand still.
- [Jeremy] Have you managed to get one on?
- [Lisa] Yep.
Don't eat my shirt. Don't eat my shirt.
[Jeremy] With the collars fitted,
we headed off to the goat field
and on the way, I gave Lisa a TED talk
about how they worked.
- They detect a satellite.
- Yeah?
And then I tell the satellite
where their field is.
And if they stray
outside those boundaries, they get an
[Jeremy] Oh, shit.
That's the tree that's been planted.
Right where I need to go.
[softly] Fucking hell.
- [Lisa] What tree?
- [Jeremy] You know Jill?
[Lisa] Oh, yes.
Okay, just to explain.
There's one of our neighbours who
[Lisa] Two lovely flat-coat labs.
She's lovely. She had two lovely
labradors and was in a mobility scooter.
And she came up and down
the footpath every day
I don't know, four times a day.
One of her dogs died and she said,
"Would it be okay if I buried it in
on your farm, 'cause it loved it there?"
And I said yes. And she wanted
to plant a tree, which she has done
exactly in
Oh, fuck.
[Jeremy] That's in a really bad
Oh, the goats are going to eat the tree.
They're going to eat the tree.
[Lisa] Jesus, Jeremy.
[Jeremy] Bollocks.
They teach you maths
and science and algebra at school.
They don't teach you what to do
when somebody has buried
their dog on your farm,
and you need to move
the dog's gravestone.
Hmm
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Right now, though,
I needed all my brain power
to make the goat collars work.
Because, I had to download an app
that allowed the solar-powered collars
to speak to the satellite.
And then, draw up the lines
of their invisible perimeter fence.
[Jeremy] We're gonna put
the satellite line across there.
- Yeah?
- [Lisa] Yeah.
[Jeremy] And, just as I finished
battling through all that,
Lizzie the goat lady arrived.
- [Jeremy] Hi, Lizzie.
- [Lisa] Hi, Lizzie.
- [Lizzie] Hi, how are you?
- [Lisa] Have you heard of these fences?
I've heard of them. I've not
actually been able to use them before.
So it will be really interesting
to see how it goes.
- Do you not use them?
- [Lizzie] No, no.
We need a guinea pig,
which is what you guys are doing.
Yes, exactly.
I mean, I am interested in
'cause I don't believe in apps,
and I don't believe in satellites.
[Lizzie] Yeah. We'll soon find out
what it does, I guess.
[Lisa and Jeremy] Yeah.
[Lizzie] You know what they're like,
they're so inquisitive.
- [Lisa] Curious, yeah.
- [Lizzie] They don't stay still for long.
- [Jeremy] Here we go, look.
- [Lizzie] There you go.
That must be beeping now.
Can you hear it?
- [musical beep]
- There you go.
[musical beep]
[Lisa] That sound is gonna drive me nuts.
It's like a really creepy ice-cream
machine with a clown driving it.
[Jeremy and Lizzie laughing]
- [Lisa] Well, hang on, hang on.
- [Lizzie] He hasn't been shocked.
- [Lisa] He has!
- [Lizzie] There we go. He has.
- [Lizzie] He's come back.
- [Lisa] Didn't like it.
[Jeremy] No way! Wow.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] With the goats now
safely hemmed in by Elon Musk
and the cows dining on fresh,
sweet grass,
I felt happy about our morning's work.
But the mood then soured
Because I received a call
from the Merchant of Doom,
saying he needed an urgent meeting.
We have some pretty significant news.
Here we go.
[Charlie] The Windmill.
You know, after we met the other day,
Neil and I had a chat. So Neil just
This is Neil Warner,
the planning advisor that we have.
Neil then phoned
West Oxfordshire District Council.
They said we could get rid
of that agreement
that allows people
to come and picnic there.
- West Oxfordshire District Council
- Yeah.
Have said we can get rid
of the picnic site?
Have said they're happy
to get rid of the agreement, yeah.
- [Charlie] It's I know.
- Do they know it's me?
[Charlie] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They said
In fact, they were quite funny.
They said, "We don't wanna meet him.
What do you want?"
What? Just in a phone call,
they just went, "We'll get rid of it"?
[Charlie] They are drafting
the paperwork.
What?
I know. It's amazing, isn't it?
What I'm sorry.
We've had four years
of them saying no to everything.
And now we ask for something
that's actually quite contentious,
and they go, "Yeah, that's fine."
Er I mean
I mean, I know it's a dogging site
and they don't want
Well, it's quite renowned, isn't it,
even within West Oxfordshire.
So they're very happy to
Fucking hell.
- So we can go ahead and buy that now.
- Yeah.
- Charlie, this is fantastic news.
- I know, I know.
It is really positive.
Now I think
You know I was concerned that you
were buying this,
The Windmill, the pub. There's lots of
We'd have had to have put in
public lavatories.
- Public lavatories.
- With holes drilled
already in the cubicles
for the gentlemen.
I wouldn't have advised that.
Oh, man.
I said to Lisa, when we were letting
the cows out this morning, I said,
"I just know today's going
to be a good day."
But at no point did I think
it would be this good.
It's good. I mean
That is
Honestly, I'm just I'm staggered.
[soft folk music]
[Jeremy] Leaving Charlie
to get on with the pub paperwork,
I turned my attention back to the soil,
because, with my new Lambo
now running smoothly,
I could have yet another crack
at my most jinxed crop.
[Jeremy] So now, for the third time,
I'm going to attempt
to drill this infernal GS4,
which,
as I've mentioned in the past, is, erm
well, it can be used
to feed sheeps and cows
but is mainly used
to put nitrogen into the soil.
[Jeremy] At the GS4 field,
I met up with the farm manager,
so that we Well, he could activate
the mended sat nav.
[chiming]
- That is your button to engage your GPS.
- Yeah.
[Kaleb] Okay? But for now, we're gonna go
into this little one here.
- Client's name? Clarkson's Farm.
- Me!
- I've made you a little bit of a
- Yes! Diddly Squat!
Field name: Taylor's. That's wrong.
Yeah, it is wrong. So click it.
[Jeremy] I have to tell it
what field I'm in?
- [Kaleb] Yes.
- Does it know what shape this field is?
Not at the moment, 'cause we haven't done
the outside, we haven't drilled it once.
- But then it'll learn?
- Yeah, it'll learn.
So if we come back next year and drill it
again, it'll go, "Oh, I know where I am"?
- Yeah.
- Wooh!
[Kaleb] Yeah. So, what we've gotta do
is drop your drill down.
[Kaleb] Right, yeah.
- So, this is now self-steering?
- Yeah.
[Kaleb] Just drive forward.
Hit the one, yeah.
[Kaleb] And when that button goes white,
press it.
Any minute Now.
And then hit that. Hit that! Hit that!
Oh! Why has it suddenly roared off?
Why are we going a million?
- Why is it going so fast?
- What have you done?
[Kaleb] Hit
Hit that little red button.
- What red button?
- [Kaleb] Don't touch the steering wheel!
- What fucking button?
- [both laughing]
[Kaleb] Oh, fuck!
- Why is it going at 150 mph?
- [Kaleb] I don't know!
[Kaleb] Stop the tractor!
[chuckling] What the fuck?
- [engine stopping]
- [Kaleb chuckling]
[Jeremy] What the fuck was that
all about? It was terrifying!
[Kaleb] I was scared as well
'cause I'm in your cab!
This is why
You know these people who buy Teslas
and then drive down the motorway
watching a movie?
- And then they wonder why they crash.
- They crash!
Modern technology doesn't work.
[Jeremy] I then realised that actually
it was me that didn't work
because I still had
the cruise control set at 31 mph
from the road journey up here.
[chuckling] Yes, go to twelve.
[Jeremy] Twelve.
Shall we just pretend that didn't happen
- and go back over there and do it again?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
[rumbling]
- [beeping]
- [Kaleb] Steering engage.
And now it'll steer for you.
- I'm not going in a straight line, look.
- Yeah, look, it's steering you.
- Look, it's doing it.
- The steering wheel isn't moving.
[Kaleb] No, the steering wheel don't move
but it controls it down on the axle.
[Jeremy] What?
So the steering wheel
is no longer connected?
[Kaleb] Yeah, it is. It just steers it
down on the axle down there.
[Jeremy] Bloody hell, that's clever.
[Kaleb] Three, two, one: lift it up.
There we go. Well done.
Turn yourself around,
until your tractor is lined
with that line there.
[rumbling]
[Kaleb] Okay. Drop your drill down.
Right, drive forwards.
Don't touch the steering wheel at all.
Gently drive forward.
And when that button goes white,
press it.
Any minute Now.
Watch the steering wheel.
[Jeremy] Oh my God, look,
it's gone on the next line.
[Kaleb] And it'll match up dead straight
without even using the "earywigs",
as you call them.
[soft rock music]
So I can literally just sit here
like this and I look at that.
[Kaleb] Yeah, as long as you remember
that my tractor's just there.
- [Kaleb] Don't hit it.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Charlie arrived just as Kaleb
decided I was ready to fly solo.
[Kaleb] Hello, friend.
[Jeremy] System engaged.
[Kaleb] There you go,
look, it's steering it.
[Jeremy] Right, I think
I've got the hang of this.
No more comedy errors at Diddly Squat.
You'll have to watch Countryfile now
if you want a laugh.
Ha-haa!
I feel really proud.
It's a proud moment, isn't it?
Well, it will if it grows.
[Jeremy] For the answer to that,
we'd have to wait a few more weeks.
[soft folk music]
[Jeremy] So I turned my attention
to a problem that needed sorting out
in the next few days.
As it now seemed likely I'd get the pub,
I needed to increase
my meat supply which meant
buying a bull.
- [Jeremy] And now we're seeing
- [Charlie] Now we're seeing Ben Wilson.
[Jeremy] And on that front,
I'd had rather a good idea.
[Jeremy] I want to take
our pedigree Shorthorn cows
and mate them with a bigger bull,
so that we get a bigger animal
and therefore more meat
to sell in the restaurant.
That's my thinking.
- [Charlie] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] Here's the thing.
- We've got a very expensive herd.
- [Charlie] Yeah.
They are Mercedes-Benz of cows,
are they not?
- [Charlie] They're very nice. Very good.
- Okay, they're lovely.
But, I couldn't tell the difference
between pedigree beef
- [Charlie] Yeah.
- And not-pedigree beef.
Yeah I agree with that.
What we've gotta do
is try and produce something that
[Jeremy] I want good,
homegrown, local meat.
But it doesn't necessarily have to come
from a Mercedes cow.
[Jeremy] I'm thinking, like a Kia cow.
Kia cows are good.
[Jeremy] Kias are good cars. I mean,
there's nothing wrong with them.
[Jeremy] As we arrived at the bull farm,
I asked a question
that I probably
should have thought of earlier.
[Jeremy] Can I just ask,
how much is a bull?
[Charlie] Here?
Four or five thousand pounds.
- [Jeremy] No!
- [Charlie] Yeah.
[Charlie] You've come to the most
expens You want to create a Kia cow.
Well, you've come to the Bentley garage
to get one.
So what we're doing is we're crossing
a Bentley with a Mercedes.
[Charlie] To get a Kia.
[Jeremy] The bull farmer, Oliver Reed,
showed us the young bulls
that were for sale.
[farmer] These are anything
between 18-month and 2-year-old.
- [Jeremy] These are now ready?
- [farmer] These are ready for
- [Jeremy] So we'd have one of these?
- [farmer] Yeah.
[Jeremy] But, before we got down
to business,
he showed me what my purchase
would look like
when fully grown.
[Jeremy] Holy shit! Jesus!
[bull sighing]
That is a unit.
[farmer] He's just over 1,200 kilos.
So he's about one ton,
and then he's got
a quarter of a ton of nut sack.
- [Charlie] And is he quite docile?
- [farmer] Ah, yeah.
He's quiet.
I'm not sure I'd say,
"Who are you looking at?" to him.
- [Charlie] Do you wanna lead him round?
- [farmer] Do you want to walk him?
[mooing]
- [bull sighing]
- Okay.
But, I mean, the thing is,
he weighs a ton and a half.
It's like pulling an oil tanker.
[bull snorting]
Don't snort like that. Yeah,
I hate the Spanish as well, don't worry.
I've never been to a bull fight.
How does that sound?
- [bull sighing]
- God strewth, you're big.
Ah! You're so big.
- [mooing]
- [Jeremy] Wow.
It's like being
in the presence of greatness.
Even you're standing slightly
gobsmacked, aren't you?
I'm
I mean, standing in front of him,
he's absolutely enormous.
[Jeremy] And also magnificent.
[Charlie] He's Yeah.
Right, take him back
to his parking space.
[chuckling]
[Jeremy] We then went back
to the youngsters to choose one to buy.
[farmer] Are you wanting one for breeding
females or one for breeding beef?
- [Charlie] Beef.
- Beefs.
- [Jeremy] Which one? That one?
- [farmer] Endgame.
- [Jeremy] Endgame?
- [farmer] Yeah.
He's not as heavy but he's wider.
He's the same right through.
[Jeremy] So he's the widest one?
And he's younger. He's one of
the youngest ones in the pen as well, so.
[Jeremy] Oh, he's great.
How much is Endgame?
[farmer] Six and a half.
- You said that it wouldn't be that much.
- I did say it wouldn't be that much.
What number did you say?
I said about 30% less than that.
Oh.
This is good. We're trying to get money
out of a Scotsman.
We're taking the smallest one Maybe.
Er, the better one, in my opinion.
[Jeremy] It would be
the best thing on the farm.
Better even than my new tractor.
- [farmer] What kind's your new tractor?
- A Lambo.
[farmer] Oh.
You wanna go for Fendts.
Well, Kaleb's got a Fendt.
He doesn't like it.
Oh.
Do you know Kaleb was laughing
at your fencing?
- He was what?
- The fencing you put up for your pigs.
Yeah.
He put gates in across the road there.
He put the posts in upside down.
I'm sorry, just say that again,
only much louder.
He put gates in across the road,
but he put the post in upside down.
[Jeremy] Oh
- Kaleb Cooper came to do a job.
- [farmer] Yeah.
And this little farmer
put the posts in upside down.
[laughing]
The great thing is we all know that.
- And I'm gonna keep that in my pocket.
- [farmer] Yeah?
And one day,
when he's least expecting it,
I'm gonna bring it out of my pocket.
Okay, er, what I don't want is
to pay for any errors by other people.
No, well, no,
I'm gonna lean over this fence
and you two
'cause I'm not very good at this.
- I get in a muddle when I'm negotiating.
- We're
Ugh!
So sort of think five?
I know that 6,000, 6,500 pounds
is a ridiculously large amount of money
for a brontosaurus.
But, he will be a conveyor belt.
He will produce burgers and steaks
and joints of beef,
you know, for years.
[farmer] Minimum's five and a half,
six, I'd say.
[Charlie] That's a lot of beef
you've gotta sell.
Five?
I tell you what I'll do.
I'll do him for five and a half,
if I can get some space penises
and bee juice when I deliver him.
I will. You're done.
[farmer and Jeremy laughing]
[Charlie] We'd got five in it but you
Oh, so, have I come to soon?
Shit, I've bollocksed the negotiation.
I've just shook on
- Were you still negotiating?
- I was still going.
- Oh, it wasn't working anyway.
- [laughing]
- But you're delivering?
- Yeah.
- You'll deliver him?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Jeremy] You're coming to Diddly Squat,
Endgame.
[mooing]
I am so excited.
Good.
[soft rock music]
[Jeremy] Having bought
an enormous animal,
I went back to the farm
to see one of our smallest.
And explained to Lisa my plan
for improving the quality of his life.
[Jeremy] I've had to put Richard Ham
in with the girls 'cause he was being
bullied something rotten with the boys.
- [Jeremy] So I put him with the girls.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
[Jeremy] They do seem to be nicer to him.
[Lisa] Well, aren't they
his sisters and cousins?
- Aren't they gonna be very nice to him?
- Some of them are, yeah.
- [Jeremy] He is a very, very sweet pig!
- [Lisa] He's so dinky!
[Jeremy] Richard Ham? Richard Ham?
This is called targeted pig feeding.
Ready?
[Lisa] No, he can Ooh.
[Jeremy] No, no. Watch, watch.
Come on, Richard Ham.
[Lisa] No, he's missed every one.
It's behind you.
[Jeremy] Oh, he has, every single one.
He nearly got one.
There was one right under him.
No, he's just trodden on it.
- [Lisa laughing]
- [Jeremy] Oh, Richard Ham!
[Jeremy]
Look, he hasn't had one single morsel!
- Yes! I think he got one!
- [squeaking]
- [Lisa] Oh no! And she's attacking him.
- [Jeremy] Oh no, they're bullying him.
[Lisa] Oh, they are mean too.
Food is food, huh?
[Jeremy] Targeted feeding
is quite difficult.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Determined not to be defeated,
I returned the next day
[Jeremy] I'm going to see Richard.
[Jeremy] Having come up
with a more ambitious solution.
[music fading]
[Jeremy] Right. Richard Ham.
Look what I have brought you.
The government
The British government allows you
to eat this, Richard Ham. Here.
Richard Ham?
Richard Ham!
Come on. You're never gonna get bigger
if you don't eat food.
What about a juicy carrot?
What do you think of this? Richard?
- [metal rattling]
- [pig grunting]
I build him a pen,
where he's protected from his bigger,
bullying sisters and cousins,
and it's full of tasty morsels,
and he escapes.
[Jeremy] Richard?
Richard, look, a carrot.
I'm gonna throw it to you.
There you are.
And your sisters have eaten it.
Richard!
Would you like a potato?
Come on, Richard, please.
You're even more annoying
than your namesake.
[grunting]
[soft orchestral music]
[Jeremy] Operation Feed Richard Ham
would clearly need more thought,
but that would have to wait.
Because the next morning,
we all had to assemble
for the arrival of my new bull.
- [Jeremy] Ready? Lisa?
- [Lisa] Oh!
You've got a black beauty there.
- [Jeremy] Here he comes.
- [Kaleb] Shh-shh.
Awesome, isn't he?
[Lisa] Aw! Look! He's quite small.
- [Jeremy] He is a baby.
- [Lisa] He's a baby?
- [Lisa] I didn't know. What's his name?
- [Jeremy] Endgame!
[Lisa] Er, what are we gonna call him
for short?
[Jeremy] Endgame!
[Lisa] Hello, Endgame!
I mean, it's sort of Front on,
he just looks amazing, doesn't he?
[huffing]
[Jeremy] On the farm front,
everything was ticking along fairly well.
Endgame would have
a few settling-in days in the shed
before we released him
into the cow field.
And even though the weather
had been a nightmare,
we had managed to plant all the crops.
And there was another Diddly Squat
project bubbling along nicely.
Lisa's new range of perfumes and scents.
That is nice. That really suits you.
- Oh! I like that! Be careful of that.
- Is it for girls or men?
That, er, it's ambidextrous.
- What?
- [Lisa] Ambidextrous.
- You mean unisex?
- [Lisa] You can't use that word anymore.
You can.
Ambidextrous means left or right-handed.
So ambidextrous says
it's all manner of things.
Unisex means you can identify
as whatever the bloody hell you like
when you wear it.
- I don't
- You can't have
Ambidextrous doesn't mean that.
You may as well write
"cauliflower" on it.
And also, can I just ask,
how many Diddly Squat ingredients
have you got in here?
- Oh, loads.
- No, come on, be honest. How many?
[Lisa] Loads, look.
All of these here. Right
- Erm, vanilla: we don't do.
- [Jeremy] No.
Erm, bergamot: we don't do either.
Orange oil is sweet.
- [Jeremy] We don't do.
- [Lisa] These are the ones we don't do.
- Everything else is really good.
- No, you don't Lisa
[soft folk music]
[Jeremy] The following day,
I was supposed to help Kaleb
send another batch of pigs
off to the abattoir..
- [Kaleb] Come on, boss man.
- [man] Go on, pig.
- [Kaleb] Come on, piggie.
- [man] Go on.
[Jeremy] But instead,
Lisa had me back on perfume duty.
Well, I don't know where's the nozzle.
[Jeremy] This time,
testing out a brand-new prototype
she'd called "Wet".
- Hold on.
- It's beautiful once you put it on.
- Ogh
- It's the first spray.
- It's horrible.
- It's not, it's just the first spray.
But it shouldn't be like that.
- Well, what's gone wrong?
- I don't know.
That smells exactly the same
as the tank in my Range Rover.
- AdBlue or whatever it is.
- [Lisa] Well, steady on.
- That's not right.
- [Jeremy] All right, K?
- Morning.
- Hey, have you managed to load those two?
Is the one that's not lame gone?
[Kaleb] Yeah, so the two boys have gone,
the one that was lame.
And then the ten girls.
- [Lisa] Aw, sweethearts.
- So ten girls.
- [Kaleb] They all went.
- Two boys.
- Yeah.
- Brilliant.
Erm, so there's 13 in total.
I found a pig
up at the top in the quarry.
- You didn't take my pig?
- Hey?
That's Pigmilly. No! That's my pet pig.
You didn't take Pigmilly?
I mean, you said there was Pigmilly.
I thought Pigmilly was still down there.
Oh, she was really sweet.
Well, she's on the trailer now.
[Jeremy] To be honest, we are running
a farm here, not a petting zoo.
I just wanted her to eat,
and the others wouldn't let her eat.
[Kaleb] Oh, she was fat
by the time she went, don't worry.
- It's okay.
- You should've said.
I'm on Kaleb's side on this one,
I'm sorry.
That's why I didn't say anything because
you would have just taken her to market.
- [barking]
- Dogs, be quiet!
- [Lisa] Oh, that's my horn.
- What horn?
All my deer horns you asked for.
I've sourced them.
- What? Deer horns?
- [Lisa] Yes!
I've not asked for any deer horns.
[Jeremy] Whether I had or not,
moments later, there they were.
- I didn't ask for deer horns.
- You
We were talking about things
we can use from the farm.
You said you only want things
from the farm in the shop.
Fallow deer, from the farm.
- And that comes from the farm?
- Well, no, this one doesn't. But
[laughing]
Not that particular fallow deer!
But aren't they beautiful?
Does it come from within 16 miles?
Oh, it's been very close to 16 miles.
In its day.
Aren't they gorgeous? And look.
It looks like a fucking moose horn.
- No, it's fallow deer.
- Yeah, that is a caribou.
- [laughing]
- And this
- Look.
- It's sixteen miles in Canada!
They're treats.
- That's rather beautiful.
- [Jeremy] Right, so we've got antlers,
and you've got to go back to the drawing
board slightly on your "Wet", I think.
- [Lisa] On the "Wet", yeah.
- [Kaleb] Oh, does it smell bad?
- It really smells of ethanol.
- Ethanol. But it settles down.
Once you have it on it settles down.
Yeah, but nobody's
In a shop that people will go in
- Oh, fuck.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Something's gone wrong with that.
- [Kaleb coughing]
[soft folk music]
[Jeremy] Whilst I'd been buying bulls,
feeding Richard Ham and testing perfumes,
such is the life of a farmer,
the surveyors
had been looking at the pub.
And soon,
Charlie arrived with their report.
[Charlie] We've got the full survey back,
'cause that's only half of it.
[Jeremy] What?
Yep
It's quite Yeah.
[Charlie] It's quite full on.
How close are we now, do you think,
to buying it?
Er, hopefully we're gonna exchange
at the end of the week.
- Hours, then. 48 hours away.
- [Charlie] Yeah.
And now, suddenly,
I've got this "New Testament".
- [Charlie] Oh yes.
- What have they suddenly found?
They've come up with the fact that, er,
the roof,
er, is a liability.
And they've put
150,000 pounds on that to repair it.
- 150,000 pounds?
- [Charlie] Yeah.
- We need to spend on the roof?
- Well, I think we just
Is your happiness hoover on?
There's an issue
potentially with the loos,
depending on how many people we have,
which they
So what do they say we need to do
with the lavatories?
Reposition them, sort it out.
They think that's up to 100,000 pounds.
What? For a lavatory?
Is it gonna be
like one of those Japanese lavatory
that wipes your bottom for you?
Nah.
- There's more.
- Asbestos. Yeah, blah, blah, blah.
Fire hazard.
Wood is a fire hazard?
- Wood is a fire hazard.
- No, I won't have that.
- The Equality Act?
- [Charlie] There we go: Equality Act.
I knew you'd pick up on that one.
"There is currently no designated
accessible parking spaces
at the property."
Designated for whom?
Er, I think what they mean
is for, er, disabled parking.
Oh, I thought "equality" was "race".
- Equality's everything, isn't it?
- [Jeremy] Oh, is it? I dunno.
Can we cut to the chase?
So they're saying
100,000 for the lavatories
and 150,000 for the roof.
All surveys are bollocks
'cause they all say,
"This house is falling down."
Well, this one didn't.
This said, "This pub is falling down."
[laughing]
You're not funny.
But no, they do.
They just say, "This building,
whatever it is, is falling down
and will definitely fall down
in ten minutes."
Because then,
if it does fall down
in ten minutes, you can't sue them.
- This is just them covering their arses.
- Well
So this can really just be
put this in the bin.
I'll just put it in a file.
I've got a file.
Right. I must get on. Thanks, Charlie.
[soft music playing]
[Jeremy] Having dealt with that meeting
with my usual attention to detail,
I checked in on Alan,
who was busy cladding
my new barn in handsome Cotswold stone.
- All right?
- [Jeremy] Good to see you.
- [Alan] Doing all right?
- [Jeremy] Yeah, that's looking brilliant.
[Jeremy] And I took the opportunity
to ask him about something
that had always puzzled me.
So look, when you build
a big wall, a long wall like this.
The big stones,
now they're called jumpers, hey?
[Alan] Yes.
And I always say to you,
"That's lovely jumpers."
But I don't know what they're for.
What it is. Right.
Say we're coming along here,
with twos, twos and twos.
Put a jumper in, then you can put
a four and three the other side of it.
So three twos are sixes,
so you can use two threes to make six.
But if you put a jumper in
you can change course.
If I'm running
Let's say I'm running a six inch
and I wanna put
an eight inch the other side,
you've gotta have something
in the middle so you can break it.
And it bounces us up. So
Yeah, you can't do that with a line,
can we?
What?
[Jeremy] With the jumper function
fully explained,
I asked Kaleb and Charlie
to help me load Endgame
so he could go off
to meet his new lady friends.
There. That is exactly right.
Ready?
For them to say, "That's exactly right."
- Can you come back a bit?
- Oh, fuck.
[Jeremy chuckling]
[mooing]
[Charlie] Okay, that's good.
Bull control.
Gandalf is coming back out.
[Kaleb] Do you wanna hold the gate?
Do you wanna hold that?
[Jeremy] I assumed this would be easy.
And it was
not.
- [Kaleb] Yeah?
- [Jeremy] Come on, Endgame.
[mooing]
[mooing loudly]
- [Kaleb] Oh!
- [Jeremy] Whoa!
[Kaleb grunting]
- [Kaleb] Oh!
- [Jeremy] Yeah
[bull mooing loudly]
- [Kaleb] Oh! Fuck that!
- No.
[Kaleb] No!
- [Kaleb chuckling]
- I'm now shitting myself.
[Jeremy] I think We need some
Yeah, that's
- I don't want him to do that again.
- [mooing]
Because I've never been to a bull fight,
and I never want to go to one.
[Kaleb laughing]
[Kaleb] We'll have to let him calm down
for a minute.
Jesus Christ, that is a big animal.
Phew.
- [Jeremy] Any of you want any danger pay?
- It's okay!
[Jeremy laughing]
[Jeremy] 'Cause when he starts
doing that
- I see him Wow.
- [indistinct]
- [mooing]
- And he's only a baby.
[Jeremy] Ten minutes later,
when he had indeed calmed down
[Kaleb] Good lad. Walk on.
[Jeremy] We finally enticed him
into the trailer.
- [Kaleb] Go on, bud.
- [Jeremy] Go on, Endgame. Good boy!
[bull mooing]
[Jeremy] And then, down at the field
where the girl cows lived,
with the film crew bravely positioned
on the other side of the fence,
we prepared to let him out.
[bull mooing loudly]
I think he's What if he's gay?
Look, the fact is, he's young, isn't he?
- What if he's gay?
- He might be.
- We'll love him just the same.
- It's 2024.
Yes, I know. But I won't
'cause he's cost us 6,000 pounds.
If he's gay
- Do you get gay cows?
- Er, yeah!
[Charlie] We'll get 8,000 pounds
worth of beef burger out of him.
- [Kaleb] Ready?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Here he comes.
Come on, Endgame.
He's gone the wrong way.
[mooing loudly]
Endgame?
It's a pretty good reaction, isn't it?
[Jeremy] No, no,
it's a hopeless reaction.
[Charlie] Well, no, he's just calm
and he's just having a look round.
[Jeremy] Seven ladies.
They're not even bothered.
[Kaleb] They're not.
[Jeremy] Ooh, hello.
[Kaleb chuckling]
Now he's realised the freedom!
- [Jeremy] He's free. He likes that.
- [Kaleb] Look at the girls!
- [Jeremy] Hello, they've spotted him.
- [Charlie] They've all turned round!
[Jeremy] They've spotted him.
Oh, look, he's off.
- [Kaleb chukling]
- [Jeremy] Ooh! Look at that!
- [cows mooing]
- [Jeremy laughs]
[Jeremy] What a noise.
Oh, they're chasing him!
- [Charlie] Yep!
- [all laughing]
[Kaleb chuckling] Nope!
[Jeremy] Why are they chasing him?
[Kaleb] Come on here. Come on here!
Come on here!
[Jeremy] No, bollocks to that!
[mooing]
Everybody knows sex is needed
but they don't know how to have it.
He is a bit like a teenager, though,
isn't he?
- Because he is a young
- [Jeremy] Well, they all are.
So they are running around
like a debutantes' ball.
[Jeremy] Come on, Endgame.
Let's have a look at you in action.
Oh no! It's the wrong way round!
Wrong way round!
[Kaleb laughing]
Why did a cow mount the bull?
[Jeremy] Wrong way round again. Wrong.
[Kaleb] She might be on heat, look.
She might be on heat.
But she's the one
that's trying to mount him.
[Jeremy] Is that "Hashtag MeToo" this?
It is, isn't it, a bit?
What is "MeToo"?
- [Jeremy] You know what that is.
- I don't.
[Jeremy] "Hashtag MeToo"?
Please tell me you've heard of that?
- Is that a porn site or something?
- No!
- [Charlie] No, it's kind of the opposite.
- It's the exact opposite of that.
I don't understand. There's no point
me even talking 'cause
[Charlie] Ooh! It's the wrong way again.
[soft music playing]
[Jeremy] That night I didn't sleep.
I was worried about the pub.
So the next morning,
before signing on the dotted line,
I decided I should talk to various mates
who'd bought pubs in the past
to make sure
I wasn't making a big mistake.
[doorbell chiming]
[Jeremy] Morning. Is that you?
[Jeremy] And I started with a chap
who's been a dear friend for decades.
So have you got any advice?
People steal stuff from pubs.
Every publican will tell you.
They'll nick the salt-and-pepper pots.
They'll nick knives and forks.
They might even nick plates.
They'll nick any art they can rip off
the walls.
Obviously drink driving's an issue.
In the countryside.
In the countryside.
And that's why you want it kind of
In some central hub somewhere,
erm, where there are just a mass
of people so they can walk home,
or they can easily get taxis home.
No, it's nowhere near
any building of any sort.
The nearest village is five miles away.
[James Blunt]
Right. Maybe, if you're lucky,
maybe they'll relax
the drink-driving laws.
You look at it, and it looks
like you're making fifty grand a week,
and then it transpires
you're losing ten grand a week.
And then the staffing issue.
Well, you
know, staffing, it's so tricky nowadays
'cause people just don't wanna work
those kinds of hours, it's hard work.
Normally they're kind of almost
overseas labourers.
So again, as long as Brexit doesn't go
through, you're gonna be fine as well.
[James May] Erm, energy costs.
Staff costs.
Ingredients costs.
Building maintenance costs.
Insurance costs. Accountancy costs.
Er, lawn-keeping costs.
Re-thatching costs in my case.
Re-gravelling costs.
Mending-the-car-park costs.
Hiring-the-staff costs,
if I haven't said that already
[Jeremy] The next day,
after this avalanche
of naysaying about pub ownership,
I made a big decision.
You know what this flower is?
It's mine.
This tree?
Mine.
That plant pot?
Mine.
That pub?
It's mine!
These are the keys!
[chuckling] I bought it!
[soft orchestral music playing]
[Jeremy] The reason I was so happy
is that now I had the pub,
I could put the farmers' cooperative
back together.
[soft orchestral music continues playing]
And this time it would be
bigger and better.
Instead of buying what we need
to operate the pub
from butchers and wine merchants
and wholesalers,
we buy everything from the field
to benefit the farmer
rather than the wholesalers.
That will be good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
British-grown stuff.
We could import everything
from the four corners of the planet
but we're not gonna do that.
We're not having coffee
and we're not having Coca Cola.
If it's not grown and reared
in Britain, we're not selling it.
If we get into a system of like,
for example you supply January, Feb
You supply, you know, May.
- [Kaleb] Do you see what I mean?
- Yeah.
- So you do the lorry and the asparagus.
- Yeah.
- You do the sheeps and the turkeys.
- The turkeys, yeah.
Cream, milk.
- Yeah.
- [together] Pigs.
- You can do beef and lambs, can't you?
- Yeah.
Potatoes, soft fruit, strawberries,
raspberries, redcurrants, blackcurrants,
blackberries, asparagus, artichokes.
- Rhubarb? Do you do rhubarb?
- We do a bit of rhubarb.
Beef, lamb, geese, turkeys.
What about tomatoes?
We do tomatoes, yeah.
- [Charlie] You do tomatoes?
- Yeah.
- Did I do your bailing last year?
- You did, yeah.
Yeah. I haven't been paid for that yet.
- Haven't you?
- No.
[laughing]
[Jeremy] Well, I think
this is looking good.
Finally, we can actually
put this together.
We've actually got somewhere.
Yes!
[soft orchestral music continues playing]
[soft orchestral music ends]
[rock music]