Hacks (2021) s04e05 Episode Script
Clickable Face
1
All right, who would like to start?
Oh, yes.
Face card not declined.
She looks gag-a-tron sickening.
What did he just say about me?
Oh, no, it's a compliment.
It means you look good.
Oh.
Uh, who else?
- Yeah?
- So funny.
I love when she roasts celebrities.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God, I would love it
if Deborah Vance roasted me.
[LAUGHS] What would she even say?
- Tiny Q-tip head.
- Oh!
Can't see her legs behind the desk.
- Wow.
- OK.
She's got amazing
legs. I want to see them.
- Put a star next to that one.
- Mm.
She looks like an old Lolita.
"Old Lolita"? That's just a woman.
I like when she's funny,
but I don't like when
she's trying to be funny.
- You know what I mean?
- OK.
Shut up.
- Anyone else?
- Her hair.
What about it?
I don't know, that it's short.
I-I don't like that it's, like, up.
- Ah, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, wait.
It's, like, too up.
Like, that where bird lay egg.
"Too up"? What does that mean?
- A bird's nest.
- Yeah, like a bird's nest.
- OK, we want it down.
- Yeah.
Y'all need to get a grip.
How a woman wears her hair
is none of our business.
Thank you.
That's between her and her husband.
OK, OK, now it's my turn to
give feedback on all of you.
- Deborah.
- No.
- First of all, Mr. Jowls
- Deborah!
- [SCREAMING]
- Yeah yeah, you!
You with the jowls!
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
It sounds a lot like Deborah Vance.
That sounds like Deborah Vance.
OK, so the ratings of the first
few episodes were fantastic.
New host, first female host
we got the curiosity bump.
But now we've dropped to fourth place.
So Mark here from Data
is gonna walk us through
exactly what's going on, yeah?
The top line is, men of
all ages love Deborah.
You're overperforming with males
in pretty much every field.
Well, like I've always
said, data imitates life.
[GIGGLES] America loves
their MILFs and GILFs.
- Kayla
- Actually, that's correct.
In pornography searches,
the terms "MILF,"
which stands for "mom I'd like to eff,"
and "mature" account for
almost twice as many searches
as for younger demographics.
- He means teens.
- Yes.
So she's right to note the correlation.
Understood, but it is
best not to encourage her.
[WHISPERING] I'm doing No Nut November.
Cool. It's, uh, February.
Some other subgroups
where you play well
middle-aged Black business owners,
gay dads under 50,
college-educated Singaporeans,
retired divorcées in
the Great Lakes region.
And then we have our weaker demos,
most notably women ages 25 to 45.
They do not like you.
Women? Oh, God.
72% of them have children,
and 37% are on medication
for high blood pressure.
Who cares about stressed-out moms?
They don't laugh at anything.
That demo is very important to ad sales.
They spend the most.
Are you saying women be shopping?
Statistically, they do be.
OK. We'll figure out a
way to appeal to them.
What about DJ? She's
about to become a mom.
Maybe you film a segment with her.
No, no, I'm not going to use
my pregnant daughter for ratings.
Right. Where's the
line? There's the line.
We're not gonna cross it. Noted, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I doubt she'd give us
much of a boost anyway.
- Hmm.
- [GASPS] Guests.
OK, who can we book that moms like?
Testing shows that
America's favorite moms
are Jennifer Garner,
Reese Witherspoon, and Gabrielle Union.
Yeah, but none of them have
anything to promote right now.
What about Kristen Bell?
She's got that new live-action
Tinker Bell movie coming out,
and she's a big-time mom Hello Bello.
Yes, she does great on socials.
Very clickable face.
Unfortunately, we tried to get her.
She's doing "Kimmel."
- Yeah, they vacation together.
- They what?
I think they vacation together.
If you follow her Instagram,
she posts a lot with him and his wife.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
♪
[SNIFFS]
♪
- Oh, sorry.
- Oh, I am so sorry.
Excuse Kristen Bell?
- Yes!
- Hi!
Hi, Deborah, it's so
nice to finally meet you.
- I'm such a huge fan.
- Oh.
- Oh, my you're a fan?
- Yeah.
I was just re-binging "Veronica Mars."
- That's so random.
- I know.
Congratulations on your new show.
Oh, thank you so much.
You're so sweet. You
know, you should come on.
Oh, I would love to. Absolutely.
- Oh, fabulous. OK.
- I'll be there.
I'll have my publicist reach out, OK?
Yeah, but why bother the publicists?
We can just figure this out.
Oh, I don't think it bothers them.
It doesn't, because I
only work with people
who love what they do.
- Really?
- Yeah.
No, come on. No, seriously.
I'm gonna get out my calendar, you know.
Just name the day.
OK. Um let me see.
How about today, like,
around 4:00, 4:30?
"Today"?
Oh, yeah, no. Next week's fine.
OK, let me see.
OK, Monday I have a pickup.
Tuesday oh, I'm speaking at the UN.
Are they flexible?
- I'm kidding.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
OK. Wednesday
Oh, Wednesday is good
for me. I'll bump Giamatti.
- Should we put it down?
- Oh, I have therapy.
But I'll skip it
'cause last session, she was telling me
I was too nice and had
trouble with boundaries,
so I feel like canceling
on her might impress her.
- Good for you.
- Yeah.
- OK, Wednesday, then.
- Great. Fabulous.
- Yeah. Great.
- OK.
- I'll see you Wednesday.
- See you next week.
- OK, great.
- Thanks, Kristen. Bye.
Bye.
[FUNKY MUSIC]
♪
Born to boogie ♪
Do you need something, Kayla?
My bad. Did that land over here?
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
How are you?
I'm doing good, 'cause I have a plan.
Oh, God, is this your plan to trick
the Olsen twins into acting again?
- They don't want to.
- No, but that plan would work.
We would just need to get Tia
and Tamera first because
BOTH: Twins listen to other twins.
- Yes, I've heard your theory.
- Well, I've been thinking
about the late-night testing results,
and I figured out a
way we can help Deborah.
Great. What is it?
By bringing in TikTok star Dance Mom.
She's from rural Alberta,
which is apparently in Canada.
People love her.
Dance Mom?
Huh.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Wow.
All the while they're
thinking us, us, us, us, us ♪
'Cause you've been
so out of touch ♪
- She's cute.
- Mm-hmm.
Honestly, this is a great idea.
She's got a lot of
followers. OK, book a meeting.
Oh, I did. It's right now. You're late.
She's waiting for you to let her in.
- Wait, what?
- Hi!
- Hello.
- Hi!
It's so great to finally meet you.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- I'm Kayla. This is Jimmy.
We are the cofounders
of Schaefer & LuSaque.
LuSaque & Schaefer.
Well, it's really great to meet you.
Like I said in my message,
we love your dance moves.
He can't stop watching
them late at night.
So good. I'm addicted.
Well, anytime, really, not just late.
- Yeah, but late. [LAUGHS]
- Oh, my goodness.
But, yeah, we're so
excited to talk to you
about collaborating with
our client Deborah Vance.
- Ever heard of her?
- Oh, my God! Of course!
I'm obsessed with her sassy oven mitts.
Do you know they're
flippin' machine washable?
I know. They're a great set of mitts.
We can actually send you a pair.
So, listen, we would
love to fly you to LA
and have you meet Deborah
and potentially audition
to be a guest dancer on her show.
- Oh, yeah.
- Really? Oh, stop.
I mean, the only time I've
ever been to the States
was when I was a kid,
when my whole family
went to Pittsburgh to visit
the Heinz Ketchup museum.
My whole family loves ketchup.
Yeah, it's ketchup is great, yeah.
We'll get you a whole big bottle, girl.
Wow, Los Angeles.
Like the LA episodes
of "Sex and the City."
- Yeah.
- I would love to.
- Great!
- Oh, my God!
- All right.
- We'll fly you private.
Unfortunately, we can't fly you private.
That's not possible, but
You will fly first, and
you'll have a greeter.
I'll be there!
- [SQUEALS]
- Yeah!
Oh, wow.
- Look at that.
- There you go.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
OK, spill. Are you seeing anyone?
I feel like when you
left "On the Contrary,"
you were super single.
Actually, I have been
seeing this boy/girl couple.
- Oh, my parents are boy/girl.
- [LAUGHS]
No, it's actually super
ideal with the new job,
because I work such late hours.
They don't get mad
'cause they have each
other to hang with.
- Yeah.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Ava, I meant to say, I didn't know
Courteney Cox played the drums.
Yeah. You saw that?
Well, Lewis was asking
me if we'd seen it.
He described a clip to the room.
But I did see the Golden Bachelor
eating spaghetti with his feet.
That was funny.
Yeah. That was stupid.
I-I pitched Fran Lebowitz,
but Deborah wanted to go
with the foot thing, so
You know, it's a new show.
We're still figuring it out.
But the plan has always been to lean
in a more political direction.
- That's cool.
- Yeah.
- Awesome.
- That's awesome.
And we have amazing musical guests.
So if there's anyone you
guys ever want to see,
you should come to a taping.
Yeah, maybe when we're back from D.C.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing there?
Well, our segment on
the Innocence Project
helped get this guy out of prison.
And now he's graduating college,
and we're all going to his grad party.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Wild.
And then we're going to the Hill.
Apparently, the Senate Finance Committee
is low-key obsessed with us.
That is so great.
- Yeah, they're sweet.
- Totally.
Come back, pretty baby ♪
And I'll be the girl ♪
You want me to be ♪
Lordy, Lordy, Lordy ♪
I'm begging you, my little darling ♪
Oh ♪
[HUMMING]
Hello, Deborah.
Jimmy. What a pleasant surprise.
Is it?
KB's not doing your show.
KB?
Don't play dumb. Kristen Bell.
Everyone knows that when
she has a new project,
she does my show first.
I got full custody when Conan died.
Oh, you own her?
Let's just say I've put in my time.
I switched to a Samsung phone
so she wouldn't be the
only one with green bubbles.
I invested $38,000 in her
gluten-free energy bars
for Africa or something.
I wore a K. Bell brand
organic diaper on a billboard.
You think I did that
because I'm proud of my body?
No, I did it for bookings.
- Shit.
- Big-time shit.
Go jam your dick up Fallon's ass.
You fucked with the wrong Jimmy.
Oh, I see what this is.
You think it's fun to bully the
first female late-night host?
Oh, you think this is bullying?
I just don't want to see
you end up like James Corden.
Did you hear what happened?
They found a whole bunch of
horse porn on his computer.
Happened right after he
got a little too friendly
with Jennifer Aniston.
He had to move back to England.
He's sweeping chimneys
now. It's really sad.
Yeah.
OK, well, I have a show to do, Jimmy.
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
Good luck.
Break a leg.
My parking spot's closer to the door
than yours is, you fucking loser!
[FUNKY MUSIC]
♪
[LAUGHTER]
What if instead of Founding Father,
we did the Founding Mother,
but it's just Deborah in a wig?
- Like, a different wig?
- That's really funny.
Oh, this stupid pen!
I had the cap off.
Yeah.
Eliot, I love that idea.
What if it's, like, a
very long CVS receipt,
but it's actually the
Declaration of Independence
but there's, like, still
a, like, Neutrogena coupon
- at the bottom?
- [LAUGHTER]
The Declaration of Independence?
I do not want to hear CNN words
every time I walk into this room.
You're supposed to be working
on my mom-friendly
cooking bit with Antoni.
Right, about that.
Um, I was thinking last
night, and I just think
that we should focus on
things that feel unique to you.
Well, I don't want to
spend my time doing jokes
that most people have
to Google to understand.
Well, using Google isn't as hard
for most people as it is for you.
Why don't we watch the cyber-shaming?
What I want to do are segments
that are appealing to moms.
Does anyone have a segment
that moms would like?
[GASPS] I know! Ooh.
How about a week of mommy makeovers?
"Makeovers"?
Anyone can do mommy makeovers.
No one can do a makeover like me.
It's just broad.
I mean, you remember
Jen Silvers from "Salon"
said we were leaning a little daytime?
Well, who cares what she thinks?
- She cuts hair.
- No, "Salon" magazine.
Well, the only salon I care
about is Sally Hershberger.
Oh, my God, she could do the makeovers!
OK, I've got it. Done deal.
All right, everybody, Sally
Hershberger, makeovers.
I'm gonna make the call. Let's go.
OK, why don't we take a
ten-minute phone break?
What?
I think we are in
danger of bending too
Too much towards the data.
And perhaps that's not
the best way to create art.
Frida Kahlo didn't consult a focus group
about what colors she should paint with.
She also didn't consult
a pair of tweezers.
- What's your point?
- Well
I have to pee so bad.
Can we just finish this
in the restroom, please?
They didn't give us all that data
just to admire the graph patterns!
I get that data is useful.
We can keep it in mind
and weave it into the show
when we can organically.
But you are trying to
reverse engineer jokes
to make specific people laugh.
We can't please everyone.
Wrong. No, our job
is to please everyone.
This isn't like 12 shows on the road
where the audience self-selects.
This is national television.
We are selling soap.
Yes, we have to be funny,
but we are also selling soap.
You can still sell soap
while remaining authentic to your voice.
It's the difference between making art
and churning out content.
- I do not want to make a show
- Oh, no.
This is not about what you want!
It's not even about what I
want it's what they want.
And in case you've forgotten,
I am the face of this show.
No one in that focus group
brought you up even once,
if you can believe that.
Uh
OK, change of plans.
Do you guys actually mind stepping out?
Oh, for the love of
And remember your tools
compassion, not condescension.
OK, we'll wait for Stacey
to finish this conversation.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Well, it's gonna be a while.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[FUNKY MUSIC]
♪
[SMOOCHING]
[MOANING]
[PANTING]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]
Fuck. Shit.
Is everything OK?
Emily Blunt doesn't want to do
the "Gravy Bowl Challenge."
- Fuck.
- [BOTH MOANING]
Sorry, guys, I might
have to go deal with this.
- OK.
- Is that OK?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Thank you for understanding.
You guys are so so good at this.
I'll text you. You're awesome.
You're awesome.
- I love you.
- I love you.
[BOTH MOANING]
Oh, fuck!
[SOUL MUSIC]
Ain't no trouble, baby ♪
I got to see you tonight ♪
Can we also get a bottle
of sparkling for the table?
Oh, not for me. Too spicy.
- Ah.
- OK.
I'd like to keep this and frame it.
Thank you.
Scrapbook.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
Everyone in LA is so glamorous.
I mean, gosh!
I've never seen so many people
wearing makeup in the daytime.
Well, this could be your life, mama.
Oh. This day has been all bucket list.
I mean, Rodeo Drive, Sunset Strip
- Whoo!
- Ripley's Believe It or Not!
I feel like the Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
- [LAUGHS]
- And to top it all off,
you're gonna audition
for Deborah's show.
- How cool is that?
- Pretty cool.
I've been thinking about that.
And gosh, Jimmy, I'm
so sorry, but I-I
I don't know.
- Why the hell freaking not?
- Yeah.
I'm flattered.
And today has been the
best day of my life.
But everyone in LA is just
so fancy and so beautiful,
and I just feel like such a hoser.
And I would be too
intimidated to be on the show.
And so I just think that [SNIFFLES]
I'm not the person you're looking for.
No, no. You are.
And we should have
brought you to Mid City.
You know, there's a lot
of ugly people there.
- I don't believe you, Jimmy.
- It's true.
And you're gorgeous, respectfully.
I can't be on TV.
I just make content on my phone.
Listen, it is scary, but, honestly,
Kayla and I grew up here,
- so we really know LA.
- Mm-hmm.
And the truth is,
everybody's intimidated.
Everybody.
They're just pretending
like they're not.
To be honest, imposter
syndrome is an epidemic.
- Even I struggle with it.
- Not me.
Well, OK, a lot of people
do, especially women.
A lot of women and Jimmy.
And the truth is, is that
you're really special
- Yes.
- And nobody here is
- any better than you are.
- Oh, except for Demi Moore.
She's awesome, and
she's over at the bar.
[GASPS]
I'm friends with one of her daughters.
Not the other one. We're fighting. Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
Look, it might not
work out with Deborah.
But you're here. You're in Hollywood.
- Yes.
- Why not just audition?
You only live once. Seize the day.
You're right.
I'll audition.
- Yes!
- I'm going to audition.
- [SCREAMS]
- OK, great, great.
Yes! Let's get margaritas!
"Margaritas"? I don't think so.
[LAUGHS] It's lunchtime.
Let's drink. Let's go to the M&M store.
Come on, live a little.
OK, I'll have a margarita.
- Yeah!
- Margaritas!
[LAUGHTER]
- Olé!
- Wow!
Keep on doing what you're doing ♪
Keep on, don't stop ♪
And you thought we were
just making a standard PBJ.
No, not today.
And what I like to do, a little hack
I take some of these hemp seeds,
and I put them sneak
them right in the middle
for some added protein
and a little bit of crunch.
That is sneaky.
And you know you got to trick
kids into eating healthy.
I remember when my
daughter was in first grade.
She refused to eat anything
except shrimp cocktail.
I had to sneak vegetables
into a rémoulade.
- Moms get it.
- [LAUGHTER]
I cannot wait to dig into this.
- Mmm!
- Beautiful.
I love bread. Oh, and I eat it.
- It's terrible.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
Mmm. Oh, my gosh!
And this spread is one of my favorites.
- It's absolutely
- Oh, Deb, sorry.
You're getting your hair in the jam.
Oh, oops. Sorry.
[LAUGHTER]
Ha.
You know, I feel most
comfortable in the kitchen.
- I really do.
- [LAUGHTER]
Thank you to Antoni,
and we'll be right back.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
You got me where you want me ♪
Want me ♪
I'm shackled to your love ♪
To your love ♪
Set me free, set me free ♪
Set me free, set me free ♪
OK, it's go time.
You are gonna nail this audition.
You got it. OK?
Stomp that yard, queen! [CHUCKLES]
Be yourself 'cause
everyone else is taken.
OK. I wish I didn't wear this sweater.
It's really hot.
Oh, I like it.
It's so nice. You look like a princess.
OK, we're ready for you.
- OK.
- Here we go.
- I got this, eh?
- You got this.
Yeah! Good luck.
Have fun. We'll be out there watching.
- OK.
- OK. Break a leg.
- She's so sweet.
- I know.
I gave her a tequila shot
to help loosen her up.
- You did? So did I.
- So she's had two shots?
- Three. I gave her a double!
- Oh, my God.
I'm gonna love you till the end ♪
And then repeat it ♪
[KATY PERRY'S "LIFETIMES"]
♪
- [LAUGHTER]
- Whoa.
♪
Whoo!
Yeah!
Whoo!
Wow, OK.
You aren't kidding around, are you?
[CHUCKLES]
We have a lot to discuss.
I know one thing for sure.
I could use that energy in
my audience tomorrow night.
Yeah, we're gonna get you some tickets.
Oh, really? Oh, my goodness!
That would be amazing.
Thank you so much.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- OK.
I can't wait. I can't wait!
Thank you.
Thank you so much for coming.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
It's obviously a no, right?
She does have a lot of followers.
- She does.
- Yeah, so did Charles Manson.
It is dangerously close to
"Gong Show" territory, Jimmy.
She has other dances she could do.
I loved it.
It's a no.
OK. Well, thank you for your time.
- It's your loss.
- No, I'm sorry.
I have to go. Antoni's
taking me to dinner.
We're going to a place
that has acclaimed butter.
[CHUCKLES]
- Sorry, Jimmy.
- It's OK.
- It's OK.
- Thank you, guys.
- Thank you.
- OK, yeah.
My little maple leaf, she's
gonna be so disappointed.
I know.
Let's tell her after the show tomorrow.
- Not it!
- OK.
Ay, Christmas!
Get it! ♪
Find a move ♪
Get the groove ♪
Thank you.
Oh, Antoni, you're so welcome.
Obviously, all that
stuff I said about Tan,
- that stays between us, right?
- Of course. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, honey, thanks for doing the show.
BOTH: Mwah, mwah.
Hey, do you want a tour of the kitchen?
I actually happen to
know the executive chef.
We did a week at Ecole Ducasse together,
and she's a fucking legend.
This woman can take apart
a hogget with her teeth!
Oh, my gosh, maybe next time, honey.
Thank you. I have
something I have to do.
OK, take care.
- Should we get dessert?
- Yeah.
- Oh, hello.
- [GASPS]
How long have you been there?
What have you what have you seen?
Enough.
So I guess you can please everyone.
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
Hi, I'm Deborah.
- Hi. Emily.
- I'm Dev.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- We should get going.
- We were just finishing up.
- Oh, great, great.
I'll get the bill,
unless you were planning
to do a three-way.
[AWKWARD LAUGHTER]
Oh, excuse me.
Yes, we'd like to get some
dessert one of everything.
Then they can sort out
how they want to split it.
[AWKWARD LAUGHTER]
That's so sweet. Thank you.
May I?
Excuse me.
Thank you.
So
how do you three know
each other so well?
Dev and Emily are my
We're in a the three of us
Monogamy is a silly con
Dev and I are married,
and Ava is our third.
Oh. Is there a fourth?
Or is third sort of the
lowest you can place?
[LAUGHTER]
Uh, we we feel
pretty good with three.
You don't have to answer her questions.
No, we're happy to answer questions.
You know, people are curious.
- It's good to talk about it,
- Exactly.
- Destigmatize it.
- Yeah, we're open.
I mean, we're open to talking about it,
but we're also open.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Two women?
Wow, you must have incredible stamina
and a headache.
[LAUGHS] I'm just kidding.
Lucky guy.
That is so antiquated.
You know, Emily and I are
both queer, so we're all lucky.
Mm, I'm happy for you.
And for you.
And you. [LAUGHTER]
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Uh, is it weird seeing each
other outside of work or
Oh, no.
Ava used to live in my guest suite.
Oh, you two knew each
other before the show?
Not well. I just wrote jokes for her.
That's right.
Well, I should be going.
Oh, what about dessert?
Oh, no, no, no. You enjoy. It's fine.
Um, but don't stay out too late.
Remember, the show is at 11:30.
I hope you're watching every night.
- Well
- Um
What?
I told them to wait for it to get good.
Well, of course. [CHUCKLES]
- It's lovely to meet you.
- You as well.
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]
Maybe we should get the dessert to go?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
[SAW WHIRRING]
How's that, Ms. Vance?
- Can you see my ankles?
- A little.
Then a little bit more.
We're gonna need a fresh blade.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
Nate wrote a great blow to
the modern-parenting setup.
"Sweden voted to increase
parental leave to 500 paid days.
The only downside is, you
have to live in Sweden."
That's it?
No, then we're gonna
cut to, like, pictures
of how beautiful Sweden
is that's the joke.
No, I'm not using visual aids
to help you sell your joke.
No.
Uh, this is exactly what you want.
Who cares more about paid
parental leave than moms?
- Come on, work with me on this.
- No, it's depressing.
No, I'm doing the wine o'clock joke.
We can't do wine o'clock.
I'm doing wine o'clock, and that's that.
You're not doing wine o'clock!
I'm doing wine o'clock!
- No wine o'clock!
- Yes, wine o'clock!
Ladies! Looks like you both
owe the volume jar some money.
Send me an invoice. I
have to finish getting ready.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Oh, my gosh. There's
almost $4,000 in here.
I do not feel comfortable
having that in my car.
My sister was knocked
unconscious for less.
Hey, Aaron, can you pull
up the last mono joke?
We're gonna replace it with this.
Mm-hmm.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
[LAUGHTER]
But I'm not threatened.
I'm not. I'm not.
Oh, and, finally
And, finally, a-a new study
out of Harvard just discovered
that babies sleep better if
you put them to bed at 8:00.
But we moms, of course, know
that it's really wine o'clock.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
And here's a picture of
Sweden. It's beautiful.
All right, we'll be right back.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING, APPLAUSE]
And we're clear.
How dare you put that joke in?
You should have done it. Yours bombed.
Because I didn't have
the right cue cards.
You should know the punch line
because it's the same hacky shit
that's been done a million times.
Oh, God, God, why don't you just go
back to your old show so you could do
your boring C-SPAN bullshit?
Too late I left to
join this sinking ship.
Guys, guys. Both of
you calm down, please.
You want to be an ice queen
in your personal relationships,
go ahead, but if you want
the audience to like you,
you need to let them get to know you.
Yeah, and how did letting
you get to know me work out,
you pathetic, conniving bitch!
- Oh, my God.
- No, no! Please!
This conversation's not being monitor
- [ALL GASP]
- Oh! Oh!
- Holy shit! Are you OK?
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, God.
- TJ!
- Ooh.
- Oh!
- Is it bad?
- It's a little cut.
- Yeah, there's a cut.
- It's not good. Yeah.
And you might have chipped a tooth.
Party people, make some noise!
- Yeah!
- [HALF-HEARTED CHEERING]
- This is all on you.
- What?
OK, calm down. Nobody here is at fault.
Oh, they're both at fault!
I'm with you two all the time.
You you're obsessed
with data and demos.
I mean, get over it! And you!
You're obsessed with making
this show seem so highbrow.
- What?
- Yes, honey.
I see you on your phone
constantly googling,
"When are the Peabody
Award submission dates?"
December 1st. December 1st.
Why is that so hard for you to remember?
OK, you need to see a medic,
and we need to finish the show, OK?
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
We're gonna get you some help.
Date didn't change the
700 times you looked it up.
- I'm fine!
- Can we, please?
Is Dance Mom still here?
Wait, what? Come on.
Is she?
- Yes.
- Jimmy.
Good.
Get her ready.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- All right!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
To wrap up the show, we
have a very special guest.
Making her television debut, Dance Mom!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[KATY PERRY'S "LIFETIMES"]
♪
I'll love you for ♪
I'll love you for life ♪
Lifetimes ♪
I'll love you for ♪
I'll love you for life ♪
Lifetimes ♪
I know you feel it ♪
Can you believe it? ♪
I'm gonna love you till the end ♪
And then repeat it ♪
I know you feel it ♪
Can you believe it? ♪
I'm gonna love you till the end ♪
And then repeat it ♪
Like the sun is always rising ♪
Like the stars are in the sky ♪
You and I will find each other ♪
In every single life ♪
Baby, you and me ♪
For infinity ♪
My eternity ♪
Baby, you and me ♪
For infinity ♪
My eternity ♪
I'll love you for ♪
No, no, no, no!
Oh, my God.
Lifetimes ♪
I'll love you for ♪
I'll love you for life ♪
Lifetimes ♪
I know you feel it ♪
Can you believe it? ♪
I'm gonna love you till the end ♪
And then repeat it ♪
I know you feel it ♪
Can you believe it? ♪
I'm gonna love you till the end ♪
And then repeat it ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Wasn't she phenomenal?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
We should have her back, right?
Dance Mom! Give it up,
give it up, give it up!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
[GENYA RAVEN'S "LOVE IS A FIRE"]
Oh, love is a fire ♪
And it's burning up my soul ♪
Oh, love is a fire ♪
And it's raging out of control ♪
♪
- Baby ♪
- Baby ♪
- Listen ♪
- Listen ♪
I'm selling my soul
to the devil in you ♪
- So give me ♪
- Give me ♪
Give me the strength,
and I'll push it through ♪
So open the door ♪
And take me where
I've never been before ♪
Oh, love is a fire ♪
And it's burning up my soul ♪
Oh, love is a fire ♪
And it's burning up my soul ♪
- My soul ♪
- Oh ♪
- My soul ♪
- Love is a fire ♪
Love is a fire ♪
- Oh, love is a fire ♪
- Oh, baby ♪
Love is a fire ♪
And it's burning up my soul ♪
- My soul ♪
- My soul ♪
- Love is a fire ♪
- My soul, yeah ♪
Oh ♪
Oh, love is a fire ♪
All right, who would like to start?
Oh, yes.
Face card not declined.
She looks gag-a-tron sickening.
What did he just say about me?
Oh, no, it's a compliment.
It means you look good.
Oh.
Uh, who else?
- Yeah?
- So funny.
I love when she roasts celebrities.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God, I would love it
if Deborah Vance roasted me.
[LAUGHS] What would she even say?
- Tiny Q-tip head.
- Oh!
Can't see her legs behind the desk.
- Wow.
- OK.
She's got amazing
legs. I want to see them.
- Put a star next to that one.
- Mm.
She looks like an old Lolita.
"Old Lolita"? That's just a woman.
I like when she's funny,
but I don't like when
she's trying to be funny.
- You know what I mean?
- OK.
Shut up.
- Anyone else?
- Her hair.
What about it?
I don't know, that it's short.
I-I don't like that it's, like, up.
- Ah, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, wait.
It's, like, too up.
Like, that where bird lay egg.
"Too up"? What does that mean?
- A bird's nest.
- Yeah, like a bird's nest.
- OK, we want it down.
- Yeah.
Y'all need to get a grip.
How a woman wears her hair
is none of our business.
Thank you.
That's between her and her husband.
OK, OK, now it's my turn to
give feedback on all of you.
- Deborah.
- No.
- First of all, Mr. Jowls
- Deborah!
- [SCREAMING]
- Yeah yeah, you!
You with the jowls!
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
It sounds a lot like Deborah Vance.
That sounds like Deborah Vance.
OK, so the ratings of the first
few episodes were fantastic.
New host, first female host
we got the curiosity bump.
But now we've dropped to fourth place.
So Mark here from Data
is gonna walk us through
exactly what's going on, yeah?
The top line is, men of
all ages love Deborah.
You're overperforming with males
in pretty much every field.
Well, like I've always
said, data imitates life.
[GIGGLES] America loves
their MILFs and GILFs.
- Kayla
- Actually, that's correct.
In pornography searches,
the terms "MILF,"
which stands for "mom I'd like to eff,"
and "mature" account for
almost twice as many searches
as for younger demographics.
- He means teens.
- Yes.
So she's right to note the correlation.
Understood, but it is
best not to encourage her.
[WHISPERING] I'm doing No Nut November.
Cool. It's, uh, February.
Some other subgroups
where you play well
middle-aged Black business owners,
gay dads under 50,
college-educated Singaporeans,
retired divorcées in
the Great Lakes region.
And then we have our weaker demos,
most notably women ages 25 to 45.
They do not like you.
Women? Oh, God.
72% of them have children,
and 37% are on medication
for high blood pressure.
Who cares about stressed-out moms?
They don't laugh at anything.
That demo is very important to ad sales.
They spend the most.
Are you saying women be shopping?
Statistically, they do be.
OK. We'll figure out a
way to appeal to them.
What about DJ? She's
about to become a mom.
Maybe you film a segment with her.
No, no, I'm not going to use
my pregnant daughter for ratings.
Right. Where's the
line? There's the line.
We're not gonna cross it. Noted, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I doubt she'd give us
much of a boost anyway.
- Hmm.
- [GASPS] Guests.
OK, who can we book that moms like?
Testing shows that
America's favorite moms
are Jennifer Garner,
Reese Witherspoon, and Gabrielle Union.
Yeah, but none of them have
anything to promote right now.
What about Kristen Bell?
She's got that new live-action
Tinker Bell movie coming out,
and she's a big-time mom Hello Bello.
Yes, she does great on socials.
Very clickable face.
Unfortunately, we tried to get her.
She's doing "Kimmel."
- Yeah, they vacation together.
- They what?
I think they vacation together.
If you follow her Instagram,
she posts a lot with him and his wife.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
♪
[SNIFFS]
♪
- Oh, sorry.
- Oh, I am so sorry.
Excuse Kristen Bell?
- Yes!
- Hi!
Hi, Deborah, it's so
nice to finally meet you.
- I'm such a huge fan.
- Oh.
- Oh, my you're a fan?
- Yeah.
I was just re-binging "Veronica Mars."
- That's so random.
- I know.
Congratulations on your new show.
Oh, thank you so much.
You're so sweet. You
know, you should come on.
Oh, I would love to. Absolutely.
- Oh, fabulous. OK.
- I'll be there.
I'll have my publicist reach out, OK?
Yeah, but why bother the publicists?
We can just figure this out.
Oh, I don't think it bothers them.
It doesn't, because I
only work with people
who love what they do.
- Really?
- Yeah.
No, come on. No, seriously.
I'm gonna get out my calendar, you know.
Just name the day.
OK. Um let me see.
How about today, like,
around 4:00, 4:30?
"Today"?
Oh, yeah, no. Next week's fine.
OK, let me see.
OK, Monday I have a pickup.
Tuesday oh, I'm speaking at the UN.
Are they flexible?
- I'm kidding.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
OK. Wednesday
Oh, Wednesday is good
for me. I'll bump Giamatti.
- Should we put it down?
- Oh, I have therapy.
But I'll skip it
'cause last session, she was telling me
I was too nice and had
trouble with boundaries,
so I feel like canceling
on her might impress her.
- Good for you.
- Yeah.
- OK, Wednesday, then.
- Great. Fabulous.
- Yeah. Great.
- OK.
- I'll see you Wednesday.
- See you next week.
- OK, great.
- Thanks, Kristen. Bye.
Bye.
[FUNKY MUSIC]
♪
Born to boogie ♪
Do you need something, Kayla?
My bad. Did that land over here?
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
How are you?
I'm doing good, 'cause I have a plan.
Oh, God, is this your plan to trick
the Olsen twins into acting again?
- They don't want to.
- No, but that plan would work.
We would just need to get Tia
and Tamera first because
BOTH: Twins listen to other twins.
- Yes, I've heard your theory.
- Well, I've been thinking
about the late-night testing results,
and I figured out a
way we can help Deborah.
Great. What is it?
By bringing in TikTok star Dance Mom.
She's from rural Alberta,
which is apparently in Canada.
People love her.
Dance Mom?
Huh.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Wow.
All the while they're
thinking us, us, us, us, us ♪
'Cause you've been
so out of touch ♪
- She's cute.
- Mm-hmm.
Honestly, this is a great idea.
She's got a lot of
followers. OK, book a meeting.
Oh, I did. It's right now. You're late.
She's waiting for you to let her in.
- Wait, what?
- Hi!
- Hello.
- Hi!
It's so great to finally meet you.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- I'm Kayla. This is Jimmy.
We are the cofounders
of Schaefer & LuSaque.
LuSaque & Schaefer.
Well, it's really great to meet you.
Like I said in my message,
we love your dance moves.
He can't stop watching
them late at night.
So good. I'm addicted.
Well, anytime, really, not just late.
- Yeah, but late. [LAUGHS]
- Oh, my goodness.
But, yeah, we're so
excited to talk to you
about collaborating with
our client Deborah Vance.
- Ever heard of her?
- Oh, my God! Of course!
I'm obsessed with her sassy oven mitts.
Do you know they're
flippin' machine washable?
I know. They're a great set of mitts.
We can actually send you a pair.
So, listen, we would
love to fly you to LA
and have you meet Deborah
and potentially audition
to be a guest dancer on her show.
- Oh, yeah.
- Really? Oh, stop.
I mean, the only time I've
ever been to the States
was when I was a kid,
when my whole family
went to Pittsburgh to visit
the Heinz Ketchup museum.
My whole family loves ketchup.
Yeah, it's ketchup is great, yeah.
We'll get you a whole big bottle, girl.
Wow, Los Angeles.
Like the LA episodes
of "Sex and the City."
- Yeah.
- I would love to.
- Great!
- Oh, my God!
- All right.
- We'll fly you private.
Unfortunately, we can't fly you private.
That's not possible, but
You will fly first, and
you'll have a greeter.
I'll be there!
- [SQUEALS]
- Yeah!
Oh, wow.
- Look at that.
- There you go.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
OK, spill. Are you seeing anyone?
I feel like when you
left "On the Contrary,"
you were super single.
Actually, I have been
seeing this boy/girl couple.
- Oh, my parents are boy/girl.
- [LAUGHS]
No, it's actually super
ideal with the new job,
because I work such late hours.
They don't get mad
'cause they have each
other to hang with.
- Yeah.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Ava, I meant to say, I didn't know
Courteney Cox played the drums.
Yeah. You saw that?
Well, Lewis was asking
me if we'd seen it.
He described a clip to the room.
But I did see the Golden Bachelor
eating spaghetti with his feet.
That was funny.
Yeah. That was stupid.
I-I pitched Fran Lebowitz,
but Deborah wanted to go
with the foot thing, so
You know, it's a new show.
We're still figuring it out.
But the plan has always been to lean
in a more political direction.
- That's cool.
- Yeah.
- Awesome.
- That's awesome.
And we have amazing musical guests.
So if there's anyone you
guys ever want to see,
you should come to a taping.
Yeah, maybe when we're back from D.C.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing there?
Well, our segment on
the Innocence Project
helped get this guy out of prison.
And now he's graduating college,
and we're all going to his grad party.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Wild.
And then we're going to the Hill.
Apparently, the Senate Finance Committee
is low-key obsessed with us.
That is so great.
- Yeah, they're sweet.
- Totally.
Come back, pretty baby ♪
And I'll be the girl ♪
You want me to be ♪
Lordy, Lordy, Lordy ♪
I'm begging you, my little darling ♪
Oh ♪
[HUMMING]
Hello, Deborah.
Jimmy. What a pleasant surprise.
Is it?
KB's not doing your show.
KB?
Don't play dumb. Kristen Bell.
Everyone knows that when
she has a new project,
she does my show first.
I got full custody when Conan died.
Oh, you own her?
Let's just say I've put in my time.
I switched to a Samsung phone
so she wouldn't be the
only one with green bubbles.
I invested $38,000 in her
gluten-free energy bars
for Africa or something.
I wore a K. Bell brand
organic diaper on a billboard.
You think I did that
because I'm proud of my body?
No, I did it for bookings.
- Shit.
- Big-time shit.
Go jam your dick up Fallon's ass.
You fucked with the wrong Jimmy.
Oh, I see what this is.
You think it's fun to bully the
first female late-night host?
Oh, you think this is bullying?
I just don't want to see
you end up like James Corden.
Did you hear what happened?
They found a whole bunch of
horse porn on his computer.
Happened right after he
got a little too friendly
with Jennifer Aniston.
He had to move back to England.
He's sweeping chimneys
now. It's really sad.
Yeah.
OK, well, I have a show to do, Jimmy.
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
Good luck.
Break a leg.
My parking spot's closer to the door
than yours is, you fucking loser!
[FUNKY MUSIC]
♪
[LAUGHTER]
What if instead of Founding Father,
we did the Founding Mother,
but it's just Deborah in a wig?
- Like, a different wig?
- That's really funny.
Oh, this stupid pen!
I had the cap off.
Yeah.
Eliot, I love that idea.
What if it's, like, a
very long CVS receipt,
but it's actually the
Declaration of Independence
but there's, like, still
a, like, Neutrogena coupon
- at the bottom?
- [LAUGHTER]
The Declaration of Independence?
I do not want to hear CNN words
every time I walk into this room.
You're supposed to be working
on my mom-friendly
cooking bit with Antoni.
Right, about that.
Um, I was thinking last
night, and I just think
that we should focus on
things that feel unique to you.
Well, I don't want to
spend my time doing jokes
that most people have
to Google to understand.
Well, using Google isn't as hard
for most people as it is for you.
Why don't we watch the cyber-shaming?
What I want to do are segments
that are appealing to moms.
Does anyone have a segment
that moms would like?
[GASPS] I know! Ooh.
How about a week of mommy makeovers?
"Makeovers"?
Anyone can do mommy makeovers.
No one can do a makeover like me.
It's just broad.
I mean, you remember
Jen Silvers from "Salon"
said we were leaning a little daytime?
Well, who cares what she thinks?
- She cuts hair.
- No, "Salon" magazine.
Well, the only salon I care
about is Sally Hershberger.
Oh, my God, she could do the makeovers!
OK, I've got it. Done deal.
All right, everybody, Sally
Hershberger, makeovers.
I'm gonna make the call. Let's go.
OK, why don't we take a
ten-minute phone break?
What?
I think we are in
danger of bending too
Too much towards the data.
And perhaps that's not
the best way to create art.
Frida Kahlo didn't consult a focus group
about what colors she should paint with.
She also didn't consult
a pair of tweezers.
- What's your point?
- Well
I have to pee so bad.
Can we just finish this
in the restroom, please?
They didn't give us all that data
just to admire the graph patterns!
I get that data is useful.
We can keep it in mind
and weave it into the show
when we can organically.
But you are trying to
reverse engineer jokes
to make specific people laugh.
We can't please everyone.
Wrong. No, our job
is to please everyone.
This isn't like 12 shows on the road
where the audience self-selects.
This is national television.
We are selling soap.
Yes, we have to be funny,
but we are also selling soap.
You can still sell soap
while remaining authentic to your voice.
It's the difference between making art
and churning out content.
- I do not want to make a show
- Oh, no.
This is not about what you want!
It's not even about what I
want it's what they want.
And in case you've forgotten,
I am the face of this show.
No one in that focus group
brought you up even once,
if you can believe that.
Uh
OK, change of plans.
Do you guys actually mind stepping out?
Oh, for the love of
And remember your tools
compassion, not condescension.
OK, we'll wait for Stacey
to finish this conversation.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Well, it's gonna be a while.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[FUNKY MUSIC]
♪
[SMOOCHING]
[MOANING]
[PANTING]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]
Fuck. Shit.
Is everything OK?
Emily Blunt doesn't want to do
the "Gravy Bowl Challenge."
- Fuck.
- [BOTH MOANING]
Sorry, guys, I might
have to go deal with this.
- OK.
- Is that OK?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Thank you for understanding.
You guys are so so good at this.
I'll text you. You're awesome.
You're awesome.
- I love you.
- I love you.
[BOTH MOANING]
Oh, fuck!
[SOUL MUSIC]
Ain't no trouble, baby ♪
I got to see you tonight ♪
Can we also get a bottle
of sparkling for the table?
Oh, not for me. Too spicy.
- Ah.
- OK.
I'd like to keep this and frame it.
Thank you.
Scrapbook.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
Everyone in LA is so glamorous.
I mean, gosh!
I've never seen so many people
wearing makeup in the daytime.
Well, this could be your life, mama.
Oh. This day has been all bucket list.
I mean, Rodeo Drive, Sunset Strip
- Whoo!
- Ripley's Believe It or Not!
I feel like the Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
- [LAUGHS]
- And to top it all off,
you're gonna audition
for Deborah's show.
- How cool is that?
- Pretty cool.
I've been thinking about that.
And gosh, Jimmy, I'm
so sorry, but I-I
I don't know.
- Why the hell freaking not?
- Yeah.
I'm flattered.
And today has been the
best day of my life.
But everyone in LA is just
so fancy and so beautiful,
and I just feel like such a hoser.
And I would be too
intimidated to be on the show.
And so I just think that [SNIFFLES]
I'm not the person you're looking for.
No, no. You are.
And we should have
brought you to Mid City.
You know, there's a lot
of ugly people there.
- I don't believe you, Jimmy.
- It's true.
And you're gorgeous, respectfully.
I can't be on TV.
I just make content on my phone.
Listen, it is scary, but, honestly,
Kayla and I grew up here,
- so we really know LA.
- Mm-hmm.
And the truth is,
everybody's intimidated.
Everybody.
They're just pretending
like they're not.
To be honest, imposter
syndrome is an epidemic.
- Even I struggle with it.
- Not me.
Well, OK, a lot of people
do, especially women.
A lot of women and Jimmy.
And the truth is, is that
you're really special
- Yes.
- And nobody here is
- any better than you are.
- Oh, except for Demi Moore.
She's awesome, and
she's over at the bar.
[GASPS]
I'm friends with one of her daughters.
Not the other one. We're fighting. Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
Look, it might not
work out with Deborah.
But you're here. You're in Hollywood.
- Yes.
- Why not just audition?
You only live once. Seize the day.
You're right.
I'll audition.
- Yes!
- I'm going to audition.
- [SCREAMS]
- OK, great, great.
Yes! Let's get margaritas!
"Margaritas"? I don't think so.
[LAUGHS] It's lunchtime.
Let's drink. Let's go to the M&M store.
Come on, live a little.
OK, I'll have a margarita.
- Yeah!
- Margaritas!
[LAUGHTER]
- Olé!
- Wow!
Keep on doing what you're doing ♪
Keep on, don't stop ♪
And you thought we were
just making a standard PBJ.
No, not today.
And what I like to do, a little hack
I take some of these hemp seeds,
and I put them sneak
them right in the middle
for some added protein
and a little bit of crunch.
That is sneaky.
And you know you got to trick
kids into eating healthy.
I remember when my
daughter was in first grade.
She refused to eat anything
except shrimp cocktail.
I had to sneak vegetables
into a rémoulade.
- Moms get it.
- [LAUGHTER]
I cannot wait to dig into this.
- Mmm!
- Beautiful.
I love bread. Oh, and I eat it.
- It's terrible.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
Mmm. Oh, my gosh!
And this spread is one of my favorites.
- It's absolutely
- Oh, Deb, sorry.
You're getting your hair in the jam.
Oh, oops. Sorry.
[LAUGHTER]
Ha.
You know, I feel most
comfortable in the kitchen.
- I really do.
- [LAUGHTER]
Thank you to Antoni,
and we'll be right back.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
You got me where you want me ♪
Want me ♪
I'm shackled to your love ♪
To your love ♪
Set me free, set me free ♪
Set me free, set me free ♪
OK, it's go time.
You are gonna nail this audition.
You got it. OK?
Stomp that yard, queen! [CHUCKLES]
Be yourself 'cause
everyone else is taken.
OK. I wish I didn't wear this sweater.
It's really hot.
Oh, I like it.
It's so nice. You look like a princess.
OK, we're ready for you.
- OK.
- Here we go.
- I got this, eh?
- You got this.
Yeah! Good luck.
Have fun. We'll be out there watching.
- OK.
- OK. Break a leg.
- She's so sweet.
- I know.
I gave her a tequila shot
to help loosen her up.
- You did? So did I.
- So she's had two shots?
- Three. I gave her a double!
- Oh, my God.
I'm gonna love you till the end ♪
And then repeat it ♪
[KATY PERRY'S "LIFETIMES"]
♪
- [LAUGHTER]
- Whoa.
♪
Whoo!
Yeah!
Whoo!
Wow, OK.
You aren't kidding around, are you?
[CHUCKLES]
We have a lot to discuss.
I know one thing for sure.
I could use that energy in
my audience tomorrow night.
Yeah, we're gonna get you some tickets.
Oh, really? Oh, my goodness!
That would be amazing.
Thank you so much.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- OK.
I can't wait. I can't wait!
Thank you.
Thank you so much for coming.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
It's obviously a no, right?
She does have a lot of followers.
- She does.
- Yeah, so did Charles Manson.
It is dangerously close to
"Gong Show" territory, Jimmy.
She has other dances she could do.
I loved it.
It's a no.
OK. Well, thank you for your time.
- It's your loss.
- No, I'm sorry.
I have to go. Antoni's
taking me to dinner.
We're going to a place
that has acclaimed butter.
[CHUCKLES]
- Sorry, Jimmy.
- It's OK.
- It's OK.
- Thank you, guys.
- Thank you.
- OK, yeah.
My little maple leaf, she's
gonna be so disappointed.
I know.
Let's tell her after the show tomorrow.
- Not it!
- OK.
Ay, Christmas!
Get it! ♪
Find a move ♪
Get the groove ♪
Thank you.
Oh, Antoni, you're so welcome.
Obviously, all that
stuff I said about Tan,
- that stays between us, right?
- Of course. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, honey, thanks for doing the show.
BOTH: Mwah, mwah.
Hey, do you want a tour of the kitchen?
I actually happen to
know the executive chef.
We did a week at Ecole Ducasse together,
and she's a fucking legend.
This woman can take apart
a hogget with her teeth!
Oh, my gosh, maybe next time, honey.
Thank you. I have
something I have to do.
OK, take care.
- Should we get dessert?
- Yeah.
- Oh, hello.
- [GASPS]
How long have you been there?
What have you what have you seen?
Enough.
So I guess you can please everyone.
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
Hi, I'm Deborah.
- Hi. Emily.
- I'm Dev.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- We should get going.
- We were just finishing up.
- Oh, great, great.
I'll get the bill,
unless you were planning
to do a three-way.
[AWKWARD LAUGHTER]
Oh, excuse me.
Yes, we'd like to get some
dessert one of everything.
Then they can sort out
how they want to split it.
[AWKWARD LAUGHTER]
That's so sweet. Thank you.
May I?
Excuse me.
Thank you.
So
how do you three know
each other so well?
Dev and Emily are my
We're in a the three of us
Monogamy is a silly con
Dev and I are married,
and Ava is our third.
Oh. Is there a fourth?
Or is third sort of the
lowest you can place?
[LAUGHTER]
Uh, we we feel
pretty good with three.
You don't have to answer her questions.
No, we're happy to answer questions.
You know, people are curious.
- It's good to talk about it,
- Exactly.
- Destigmatize it.
- Yeah, we're open.
I mean, we're open to talking about it,
but we're also open.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Two women?
Wow, you must have incredible stamina
and a headache.
[LAUGHS] I'm just kidding.
Lucky guy.
That is so antiquated.
You know, Emily and I are
both queer, so we're all lucky.
Mm, I'm happy for you.
And for you.
And you. [LAUGHTER]
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Uh, is it weird seeing each
other outside of work or
Oh, no.
Ava used to live in my guest suite.
Oh, you two knew each
other before the show?
Not well. I just wrote jokes for her.
That's right.
Well, I should be going.
Oh, what about dessert?
Oh, no, no, no. You enjoy. It's fine.
Um, but don't stay out too late.
Remember, the show is at 11:30.
I hope you're watching every night.
- Well
- Um
What?
I told them to wait for it to get good.
Well, of course. [CHUCKLES]
- It's lovely to meet you.
- You as well.
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]
Maybe we should get the dessert to go?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
[SAW WHIRRING]
How's that, Ms. Vance?
- Can you see my ankles?
- A little.
Then a little bit more.
We're gonna need a fresh blade.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
Nate wrote a great blow to
the modern-parenting setup.
"Sweden voted to increase
parental leave to 500 paid days.
The only downside is, you
have to live in Sweden."
That's it?
No, then we're gonna
cut to, like, pictures
of how beautiful Sweden
is that's the joke.
No, I'm not using visual aids
to help you sell your joke.
No.
Uh, this is exactly what you want.
Who cares more about paid
parental leave than moms?
- Come on, work with me on this.
- No, it's depressing.
No, I'm doing the wine o'clock joke.
We can't do wine o'clock.
I'm doing wine o'clock, and that's that.
You're not doing wine o'clock!
I'm doing wine o'clock!
- No wine o'clock!
- Yes, wine o'clock!
Ladies! Looks like you both
owe the volume jar some money.
Send me an invoice. I
have to finish getting ready.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Oh, my gosh. There's
almost $4,000 in here.
I do not feel comfortable
having that in my car.
My sister was knocked
unconscious for less.
Hey, Aaron, can you pull
up the last mono joke?
We're gonna replace it with this.
Mm-hmm.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
[LAUGHTER]
But I'm not threatened.
I'm not. I'm not.
Oh, and, finally
And, finally, a-a new study
out of Harvard just discovered
that babies sleep better if
you put them to bed at 8:00.
But we moms, of course, know
that it's really wine o'clock.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
And here's a picture of
Sweden. It's beautiful.
All right, we'll be right back.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING, APPLAUSE]
And we're clear.
How dare you put that joke in?
You should have done it. Yours bombed.
Because I didn't have
the right cue cards.
You should know the punch line
because it's the same hacky shit
that's been done a million times.
Oh, God, God, why don't you just go
back to your old show so you could do
your boring C-SPAN bullshit?
Too late I left to
join this sinking ship.
Guys, guys. Both of
you calm down, please.
You want to be an ice queen
in your personal relationships,
go ahead, but if you want
the audience to like you,
you need to let them get to know you.
Yeah, and how did letting
you get to know me work out,
you pathetic, conniving bitch!
- Oh, my God.
- No, no! Please!
This conversation's not being monitor
- [ALL GASP]
- Oh! Oh!
- Holy shit! Are you OK?
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, God.
- TJ!
- Ooh.
- Oh!
- Is it bad?
- It's a little cut.
- Yeah, there's a cut.
- It's not good. Yeah.
And you might have chipped a tooth.
Party people, make some noise!
- Yeah!
- [HALF-HEARTED CHEERING]
- This is all on you.
- What?
OK, calm down. Nobody here is at fault.
Oh, they're both at fault!
I'm with you two all the time.
You you're obsessed
with data and demos.
I mean, get over it! And you!
You're obsessed with making
this show seem so highbrow.
- What?
- Yes, honey.
I see you on your phone
constantly googling,
"When are the Peabody
Award submission dates?"
December 1st. December 1st.
Why is that so hard for you to remember?
OK, you need to see a medic,
and we need to finish the show, OK?
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
We're gonna get you some help.
Date didn't change the
700 times you looked it up.
- I'm fine!
- Can we, please?
Is Dance Mom still here?
Wait, what? Come on.
Is she?
- Yes.
- Jimmy.
Good.
Get her ready.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- All right!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
To wrap up the show, we
have a very special guest.
Making her television debut, Dance Mom!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[KATY PERRY'S "LIFETIMES"]
♪
I'll love you for ♪
I'll love you for life ♪
Lifetimes ♪
I'll love you for ♪
I'll love you for life ♪
Lifetimes ♪
I know you feel it ♪
Can you believe it? ♪
I'm gonna love you till the end ♪
And then repeat it ♪
I know you feel it ♪
Can you believe it? ♪
I'm gonna love you till the end ♪
And then repeat it ♪
Like the sun is always rising ♪
Like the stars are in the sky ♪
You and I will find each other ♪
In every single life ♪
Baby, you and me ♪
For infinity ♪
My eternity ♪
Baby, you and me ♪
For infinity ♪
My eternity ♪
I'll love you for ♪
No, no, no, no!
Oh, my God.
Lifetimes ♪
I'll love you for ♪
I'll love you for life ♪
Lifetimes ♪
I know you feel it ♪
Can you believe it? ♪
I'm gonna love you till the end ♪
And then repeat it ♪
I know you feel it ♪
Can you believe it? ♪
I'm gonna love you till the end ♪
And then repeat it ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Wasn't she phenomenal?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
We should have her back, right?
Dance Mom! Give it up,
give it up, give it up!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
[GENYA RAVEN'S "LOVE IS A FIRE"]
Oh, love is a fire ♪
And it's burning up my soul ♪
Oh, love is a fire ♪
And it's raging out of control ♪
♪
- Baby ♪
- Baby ♪
- Listen ♪
- Listen ♪
I'm selling my soul
to the devil in you ♪
- So give me ♪
- Give me ♪
Give me the strength,
and I'll push it through ♪
So open the door ♪
And take me where
I've never been before ♪
Oh, love is a fire ♪
And it's burning up my soul ♪
Oh, love is a fire ♪
And it's burning up my soul ♪
- My soul ♪
- Oh ♪
- My soul ♪
- Love is a fire ♪
Love is a fire ♪
- Oh, love is a fire ♪
- Oh, baby ♪
Love is a fire ♪
And it's burning up my soul ♪
- My soul ♪
- My soul ♪
- Love is a fire ♪
- My soul, yeah ♪
Oh ♪
Oh, love is a fire ♪