Mandy (2019) s04e05 Episode Script
Seed
1
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came and
you gave without taking
But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and
stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy ♪
LOUD SNORING
QUIET CLATTERING
SHE SNORES
CLATTERING
Who's there?
I have nothing of value.
Mm. Seed or rat droppings?
As I thought.
Rat droppings.
Lola, I've got an infestation!
Oh, no.
Don't worry. The doctor can give
you a milkshake to kill their eggs.
And the rest, you can pick out
your bum hole with tweezers.
Eh?!
That is the treatment
for infestation of worms.
I've not got worms! It's a rat.
In your bum hole?!
No! In me house!
How do I get rid of it?
Well, I think you can get a
man round to kill the rat,
but it can be very expensive.
£100 at least.
Oh, I can't afford that.
Well, you can try
doing it yourself
by watching YouTube videos and
buying traps that don't work.
Maybe you should visit the hardware
store at the bottom of the road.
-That's a good idea.
-Uh-huh.
How'd you know so
much about worms?
A A friend had them.
MUSIC: Ratata by Skrillex,
Missy Elliott, & Mr Oizo
This the kind of beat
that go rat at a. ♪
DING!
Got a rat.
I can't help you with that.
For that, you need pest control.
It's completely different
companies than this one.
How can I help you?
-Weren't you on the?
-It's for tax purposes.
-How can I help you?
-I've got a rat.
I can do a home visit.
£200 plus VAT.
200 quid?! It's a
rat, not an anaconda.
Then you can use
this expandable foam.
Fill all the holes in
your home with this one,
so rat cannot enter
into your property.
-How much is this?
-It's 5.99 plus VAT.
Yeah, I'll take a couple. Don't
want to leave any gaps for it.
Je suis le dauphin
de la place Dauphine
Et la place Blanche
a mauvaise mine
Les camions sont
pleins de lait
Les balayeurs sont
pleins de balais
Il est cinq heures
Paris
S'eveille
Paris
S'eveille. ♪
Yeah. The man in the shop told me
to fill all the gaps in the house.
LOLA: - What time is Celebrity
Round The World Race on?
But I'm a bit worried because
I think I've used too much
and I can't get into
the bathroom now.
-It really expands a lot.
-It's on now. Bye, Mandy.
CONTESTANT: - Father and son,
living it up in the Amazon.
Oh!
QUIET SQUEAKING
CONTESTANT: - Jeremy and I were
really ready for an adventure.
I want to eat, pray,
love the hell out of
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
It's all right.
They'll never make it to
Helsinki by 6 o'clock, will they?
RAT CHITTERS
Do you want some of this?
Come to get my money back on
this. I only needed the one.
It expands a lot, doesn't it?
I had to tunnel me way out the
front door with a teaspoon.
-Did it get rid of rats?
-No.
Spent the evening watching
Race Around The World with it.
I quite like it. I
think I'll keep it.
You can't keep the rat.
They spread diseases like
Black Death and HIV positive.
In that case, you
need this rat poison.
Rat will eat it
and will just go
5.99 plus VAT.
Oh, I couldn't kill it.
Not before the series finale.
In that case, you need this.
Human trap? What good is that?
I don't want to trap a human.
-Doesn't look big enough.
-Not human. It's humane.
It doesn't kill the rat
so you have to take it about
two miles away from your house,
otherwise it finds its way back.
What, has it got sat
nav, or something?
I'll take it.
Ratata, rata-ta-ta-ta-ta. ♪
Listen, Ratty, I
know you can hear me.
I'm really sorry, but you're
going to have to leave.
We can either do this the
easy way or the hard way.
The easy way,
you walk into this trap,
eat the peanut butter,
and then I take
you two miles away.
The hard way,
you do not want to know about.
Oh! Well done, Ratty!
Aww.
AUTOMATED VOICE: - You've
reached the voicemail of
Lola Okinedo Akimbo.
Please leave a message.
BEEP
Hiya, Lola. It's Mandy.
Ey, I've caught that rat.
I have to take it two
miles away, though.
So you couldn't give
me a lift, could you?
Otherwise, I'll
have to get the bus.
RAT CHITTERS
Aww.
I can't leave you in there.
Come on.
Uh
Uh
This the kind of This the
kind of, this the kind of
This the kind of This the
kind of, this the kind of
This the kind of
beat that go rat at a
Ratata, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta
This the kind of
beat that go rat at a
Ratata, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta
This the kind of
beat that go rat at a
Ratata, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. ♪
Two miles away, please.
You ain't got a rat
in there, have you?
No.
Good. I hate rats.
Get off, you bloody pervert!
RAT SQUEAKS
Oh.
God, me rat's gone.
Not me rat. My keys!
I've lost my keys.
Ah! It's a rat!
-Where?
-Ah! Ah!
Oh, my God, the
driver's fainted!
Stop it! Stop the bus!
I don't know how!
I haven't even
done my theory yet.
The brake. Press the brake!
Which one's the brake?
It's the pedal on the floor.
Not that one! That's
the accelerator.
The brake's the other one.
Brake! Hit the brake!
I can't! My rat's
under this pedal.
If I press the brake,
I'll kill the rat.
If you don't, we'll all die.
Yeah, but I don't
know any of you.
And I've made friends
with this rat.
We watch Race Around
The World together.
HORN HONKS
It looks like we've got company.
Mandy!
HORN HONKS
Mandy!
Mandy!
Lola!
Open the door!
Drive straight.
Stay in this lane.
What are you doing?
Oh, my God!
Ah!
As soon as I got your call, I
knew you would need my help.
Thank God you're here, Lola.
Where is the rat?
He's underneath the pedal.
That's why I can't slow down.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please remain calm.
My name is Lola Okinedo Akimbo,
and I am here to deal
with the situation.
-We will deal with the rat shortly.
-Who are you?
Are you police or MI5?
No. I'm a fully qualified
nail technician.
Although I cannot operate
in the Channel Islands
due to an ongoing court case.
Don't worry about the rat, Lola.
We've got bigger problems.
-What is it?
-The bridge is down.
What are we going to do?
What are we going to do?!
There's no time
to remove the rat.
You'll have to speed up.
Foot down hard on the
accelerator, Mandy.
Floor it! Floor it, Mandy.
Do you go to the big Asda?
Not now!
-You need the 276 for the big Asda.
-Oh.
-Or you could take the number 19 and then cross over on the bridge.
-Ah.
Hold on!
Faster!
Hold on, everyone.
Keep it steady.
I can't look!
THEY SCREAM
THEY ALL YELL
Oh, God!
Oh! Oh
Are you OK, Mandy?
Yeah. I'm all right.
Is everybody OK?
We made it!
PASSENGERS CHEER
Hooray!
Lola, you're the best.
Thank you.
I was the one doing the driving.
Keep your eye on the road, Mandy,
while I deal with this little one.
Got him! You can
stop now, Mandy.
This must be two miles away.
Let me take over
the driving now.
You're not coming, Lol?
Someone has to get this
baby back to the depot.
You're on your own now, Mandy.
Good luck.
RAT SQUEAKS
Are you sure this
is two miles away?
Exactly two miles.
Better let it go, then.
You know, I never thought we'd
get one in these humane traps.
RAT SQUEAKS
Go. Come on, go, go, go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah
There's a rat in mi kitchen
What am I gonna do?
There's a rat in mi kitchen
What am I gonna do?
I'm gonna fix that rat
That's what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna fix that rat
When you open your mouth
you don't talk, you shout
And you give
everybody the blame
When they catch you
up they will shut you up
And you got no-one to blame
There's a rat in mi kitchen
What am I gonna do?
There's a rat in mi kitchen
What am I gonna do?
I'm gonna fix that rat
That's what I'm gonna do. ♪
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came and
you gave without taking
But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and
stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy ♪
LOUD SNORING
QUIET CLATTERING
SHE SNORES
CLATTERING
Who's there?
I have nothing of value.
Mm. Seed or rat droppings?
As I thought.
Rat droppings.
Lola, I've got an infestation!
Oh, no.
Don't worry. The doctor can give
you a milkshake to kill their eggs.
And the rest, you can pick out
your bum hole with tweezers.
Eh?!
That is the treatment
for infestation of worms.
I've not got worms! It's a rat.
In your bum hole?!
No! In me house!
How do I get rid of it?
Well, I think you can get a
man round to kill the rat,
but it can be very expensive.
£100 at least.
Oh, I can't afford that.
Well, you can try
doing it yourself
by watching YouTube videos and
buying traps that don't work.
Maybe you should visit the hardware
store at the bottom of the road.
-That's a good idea.
-Uh-huh.
How'd you know so
much about worms?
A A friend had them.
MUSIC: Ratata by Skrillex,
Missy Elliott, & Mr Oizo
This the kind of beat
that go rat at a. ♪
DING!
Got a rat.
I can't help you with that.
For that, you need pest control.
It's completely different
companies than this one.
How can I help you?
-Weren't you on the?
-It's for tax purposes.
-How can I help you?
-I've got a rat.
I can do a home visit.
£200 plus VAT.
200 quid?! It's a
rat, not an anaconda.
Then you can use
this expandable foam.
Fill all the holes in
your home with this one,
so rat cannot enter
into your property.
-How much is this?
-It's 5.99 plus VAT.
Yeah, I'll take a couple. Don't
want to leave any gaps for it.
Je suis le dauphin
de la place Dauphine
Et la place Blanche
a mauvaise mine
Les camions sont
pleins de lait
Les balayeurs sont
pleins de balais
Il est cinq heures
Paris
S'eveille
Paris
S'eveille. ♪
Yeah. The man in the shop told me
to fill all the gaps in the house.
LOLA: - What time is Celebrity
Round The World Race on?
But I'm a bit worried because
I think I've used too much
and I can't get into
the bathroom now.
-It really expands a lot.
-It's on now. Bye, Mandy.
CONTESTANT: - Father and son,
living it up in the Amazon.
Oh!
QUIET SQUEAKING
CONTESTANT: - Jeremy and I were
really ready for an adventure.
I want to eat, pray,
love the hell out of
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
It's all right.
They'll never make it to
Helsinki by 6 o'clock, will they?
RAT CHITTERS
Do you want some of this?
Come to get my money back on
this. I only needed the one.
It expands a lot, doesn't it?
I had to tunnel me way out the
front door with a teaspoon.
-Did it get rid of rats?
-No.
Spent the evening watching
Race Around The World with it.
I quite like it. I
think I'll keep it.
You can't keep the rat.
They spread diseases like
Black Death and HIV positive.
In that case, you
need this rat poison.
Rat will eat it
and will just go
5.99 plus VAT.
Oh, I couldn't kill it.
Not before the series finale.
In that case, you need this.
Human trap? What good is that?
I don't want to trap a human.
-Doesn't look big enough.
-Not human. It's humane.
It doesn't kill the rat
so you have to take it about
two miles away from your house,
otherwise it finds its way back.
What, has it got sat
nav, or something?
I'll take it.
Ratata, rata-ta-ta-ta-ta. ♪
Listen, Ratty, I
know you can hear me.
I'm really sorry, but you're
going to have to leave.
We can either do this the
easy way or the hard way.
The easy way,
you walk into this trap,
eat the peanut butter,
and then I take
you two miles away.
The hard way,
you do not want to know about.
Oh! Well done, Ratty!
Aww.
AUTOMATED VOICE: - You've
reached the voicemail of
Lola Okinedo Akimbo.
Please leave a message.
BEEP
Hiya, Lola. It's Mandy.
Ey, I've caught that rat.
I have to take it two
miles away, though.
So you couldn't give
me a lift, could you?
Otherwise, I'll
have to get the bus.
RAT CHITTERS
Aww.
I can't leave you in there.
Come on.
Uh
Uh
This the kind of This the
kind of, this the kind of
This the kind of This the
kind of, this the kind of
This the kind of
beat that go rat at a
Ratata, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta
This the kind of
beat that go rat at a
Ratata, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta
This the kind of
beat that go rat at a
Ratata, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. ♪
Two miles away, please.
You ain't got a rat
in there, have you?
No.
Good. I hate rats.
Get off, you bloody pervert!
RAT SQUEAKS
Oh.
God, me rat's gone.
Not me rat. My keys!
I've lost my keys.
Ah! It's a rat!
-Where?
-Ah! Ah!
Oh, my God, the
driver's fainted!
Stop it! Stop the bus!
I don't know how!
I haven't even
done my theory yet.
The brake. Press the brake!
Which one's the brake?
It's the pedal on the floor.
Not that one! That's
the accelerator.
The brake's the other one.
Brake! Hit the brake!
I can't! My rat's
under this pedal.
If I press the brake,
I'll kill the rat.
If you don't, we'll all die.
Yeah, but I don't
know any of you.
And I've made friends
with this rat.
We watch Race Around
The World together.
HORN HONKS
It looks like we've got company.
Mandy!
HORN HONKS
Mandy!
Mandy!
Lola!
Open the door!
Drive straight.
Stay in this lane.
What are you doing?
Oh, my God!
Ah!
As soon as I got your call, I
knew you would need my help.
Thank God you're here, Lola.
Where is the rat?
He's underneath the pedal.
That's why I can't slow down.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please remain calm.
My name is Lola Okinedo Akimbo,
and I am here to deal
with the situation.
-We will deal with the rat shortly.
-Who are you?
Are you police or MI5?
No. I'm a fully qualified
nail technician.
Although I cannot operate
in the Channel Islands
due to an ongoing court case.
Don't worry about the rat, Lola.
We've got bigger problems.
-What is it?
-The bridge is down.
What are we going to do?
What are we going to do?!
There's no time
to remove the rat.
You'll have to speed up.
Foot down hard on the
accelerator, Mandy.
Floor it! Floor it, Mandy.
Do you go to the big Asda?
Not now!
-You need the 276 for the big Asda.
-Oh.
-Or you could take the number 19 and then cross over on the bridge.
-Ah.
Hold on!
Faster!
Hold on, everyone.
Keep it steady.
I can't look!
THEY SCREAM
THEY ALL YELL
Oh, God!
Oh! Oh
Are you OK, Mandy?
Yeah. I'm all right.
Is everybody OK?
We made it!
PASSENGERS CHEER
Hooray!
Lola, you're the best.
Thank you.
I was the one doing the driving.
Keep your eye on the road, Mandy,
while I deal with this little one.
Got him! You can
stop now, Mandy.
This must be two miles away.
Let me take over
the driving now.
You're not coming, Lol?
Someone has to get this
baby back to the depot.
You're on your own now, Mandy.
Good luck.
RAT SQUEAKS
Are you sure this
is two miles away?
Exactly two miles.
Better let it go, then.
You know, I never thought we'd
get one in these humane traps.
RAT SQUEAKS
Go. Come on, go, go, go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah
There's a rat in mi kitchen
What am I gonna do?
There's a rat in mi kitchen
What am I gonna do?
I'm gonna fix that rat
That's what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna fix that rat
When you open your mouth
you don't talk, you shout
And you give
everybody the blame
When they catch you
up they will shut you up
And you got no-one to blame
There's a rat in mi kitchen
What am I gonna do?
There's a rat in mi kitchen
What am I gonna do?
I'm gonna fix that rat
That's what I'm gonna do. ♪