Maron (2013) s04e05 Episode Script
Marc in Florida
1 Oh, this looks good.
Thanks, man.
I-I I'm digging it.
You see, this is me on the bridge to recovery, right? And all this shit down here is stuff I have to stay above.
You know, like fear, anger, envy, BJ Novak books anything BJ Novak does, actually.
Uh, yeah, I'm letting that go this year.
I've got to say, you're making real progress.
Yeah, you think so? I mean, I can feel it.
You know, I I think, back in the day, I I would've thought this this shit was ridiculous, you know? Even now, if I think about it for a few seconds, it's it's pretty stupid.
But but it seems to be working.
That's called healing.
Okay, I'll take it.
Great.
So, uh, your 28 days are almost up.
Yeah.
What have you lined up for yourself post-treatment? Nothing really.
I'm just sort of pretending that it's not happening.
Well, it's happening.
You need to figure out where you're going.
Isn't it, like, negotiable? Can't I just do, like, post-grad work? You know, like I I think I can take this scrapbooking thing to the next level.
Don't sell yourself short.
You're ready.
You need to just figure out your next steps.
You figured it out.
You never left.
Why don't you just set me up in an office here? Well, I think being a drug counselor isn't a bad path for you.
You need to be five-years sober, and, uh, get a Master's degree in Psychology.
And if you want to get the license, well, then that requires 2,000-to-3,000 hours of clinical research unpaid, by the way and, of course, you have to be willing to listen to people like you.
Yeah.
I'll get my stuff together.
I can't leave yet, man.
I'm not ready.
Well, they think you're ready.
That's mad props to how much work you've done.
How come you get to stay longer than me? [Chuckles.]
My dad has good insurance.
Nice to have responsible parents.
Damn, I don't even know where I'm gonna go.
You could always go to sober living.
I hear those places are nasty.
Yeah.
I don't want to go there.
Yo, look how straight this snapback is.
Sweet.
[Telephone rings.]
[Telephone rings.]
Yeah? Hello? - Ralph.
- This is he.
It's Marc, Toni's son.
Ah.
Marc.
Marc.
How you doing? So, uh, you're picking up my mom's phone now, huh? Things getting pretty tight between you two, I guess? Well, the phone was ringing, I was right next to it, you know? Don't don't read too much into it.
So your mom says, uh, that you're in drug rehab.
Yes, I had to work through some stuff.
You know, back in the '80s, I did my share of drugs.
And when it got too much, I just I just stopped.
Nothing else, just stopped.
Oh, okay.
Well, good for you.
No doctors, no shrinks, just willpower.
Fantastic.
Is my mother there? Toni! It's your son Marc! He's on the phone! He's calling you from drug rehab! Oh, my God, what a dick.
What? Excuse me? Nothing.
Marc, how are you? Hi, Ma.
Uh, I don't like talking to that guy.
Well, that's because you're so much alike.
Well, that's creepy.
Look, I'm, uh I'm being discharged.
Oh, you're graduating? Yes, Mom, I'm graduating.
And I'm gonna need a little money to get back on my feet.
You can think of it as a graduation present, if that's helpful.
Ma, are you there? Marc, I can't give you any money.
That would be enabling.
Well, look, you'd be enabling me to get on with my life, all right? I need to find a place to live.
How do I know you're not gonna use it on drugs? You can't help yourself.
I I know how to be sober.
If you need a place to stay, why don't you come here? Ooh.
'Cause that sounds terrible.
Why not? Let me take care of you.
Well, you're not really the Florence Nightingale type.
Why would you say such a thing? You said it.
Those are your words.
Just come on.
I'll send you a ticket through the computer.
You know what? Don't worry about it, all right? I'll figure something out.
Oh, and by the way, your boyfriend brags about doing a lot of drugs in the '80s.
Yeah, well, he had no problem stopping.
But back then, it wasn't a disease.
Okay.
Bye.
[Stuttering.]
And ev ev every time that that that things get tough for me, I I'm gonna remember all all all the things that Dr.
Varma and and and Chris and and all you other gr great people taught me.
Not just about addiction, but but but about myself.
And you all have a spec special place in my my heart.
[Audience applauds and cheers.]
Yeah.
That was beautiful.
Thank you, Adam, for teaching me.
And now, our other graduate is going to say a few words.
Maron: Okay.
Marc.
I'll keep this short, everybody.
Um So, I'll, uh, see you next time.
[Sighs.]
Just Kidding.
It's a defense mechanism.
What? What What do I need to cry up here like an infant, so you people can feel validated? Is this is so so now this is your speech, is that it? Ugh.
All right.
Look, I'm I'm thankful, all right? - Thank you.
I - Chris: Great.
That's enough.
Wahh! You made me whole again.
Is that what you want? Eeh.
That was a good speech, man.
I was touched, seriously.
Ah, man, I can't believe I went 28 days without this.
Yo, when I get out of here, the three of us are gonna hang out, all right? Do something sober.
Oh, yeah? Like what? I don't know.
Bowling? - [Both laugh.]
- Marc: Yeah.
Okay.
All right, come on.
Uh! Uh! Lock it up, lock it - Ah, what? I Got it.
- You got it, you got it.
- All right.
- I'll miss you, man.
I'll miss you, too, man.
Hey, hey.
Oh.
All right, we're doing this.
Okay, buddy.
[Stuttering.]
Oh, I take take - take take care, Marc.
- All right.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Hey, hey, hey, Mom? Yeah, I I've reconsidered your offer.
All right, you're home.
Yeah, home.
Smells like heavily scented laundry in here.
You.
- You can never turn it off, can you? - Mm.
Well, at least you still got your sense of humor.
Still got it? What are you kidding? I just just found it again, thank you.
Look in the kitchen.
I got you Honeycrisp apples, Cocoa Puffs, and in your bedroom, I got you a record player from Urban Outfitters.
Wow.
What am I, 15? I'm sorry, Marc.
I was just trying to help.
I'm a terrible mother, and it's all my fault.
No, no, no, no, it's not your fault.
I'm a drug addict and, you know, sadly, this happens sometimes.
But do I need to hide my pills? Not a bad idea.
I mean, you know, I think I'm okay.
I I'm through the hard part.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
I-It'd be tragic if I were 40, uh, but, you know, moving in with your mommy at 52 is You need me more than I need you.
No, I'm done negotiating.
I'm trying to get the Miami Herald for 20 bucks a month.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
All right, bye-bye.
Ralph, look who's here.
Ah, Marc, you made it.
Yes, I made it.
So, you're off the schmeck for good, right? Well, that depends what "schmeck" is.
You know what I'm talking about.
Your mother has a very nice lifestyle down here.
All right, Ralph, that's enough.
He's doing good.
I know.
I can tell he's doing good.
Just looking out for you.
Marc, how you doing with socks? Do you need socks? - I got a guy.
- No, no, I don't need socks, but but but I'm curious about this schmeck, Ralph.
Don't be a wise-ass.
You know what I'm saying.
Who the hell are you to? Maybe maybe you'd like to go lie down for a bit? Yeah, that sounds good.
Toni, don't tell him to lie down.
I made reservations.
- He had a long flight.
- Johnny's holding the table for me.
You know what? Why don't you two go? Well, I-I don't even know if I like Johnny's.
- I-I-I don't know what to eat there.
- So your son's here, I wanted to do a nice thing for you, nice thing for him, I set up a dinner, I made reservations at Johnny's.
He's holding my table for me, now nobody wants to go.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm Ah.
Thank you, Jorge.
This one will work.
[Sniffs.]
Marc, is it okay if we drink in front of you? Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
Wine was never my thing.
Unless you dissolve painkillers in it.
[Laughs.]
You want to get addicted to something good, try the rib-eye.
I'm I'm gonna have half a chopped salad with bread and olive oil.
Toni, why can't you ever eat like a normal person? She eats this way everywhere.
I'm gonna do, uh yeah, you know, I think the Nicoise salad sounds good.
You don't come to Johnny's Original for Nicoise salad.
You try the rib-eye.
I'm going with the Nicoise salad.
You'll be happier with the rib-eye.
I'm going with the Nicoise salad.
I'm gonna order three rib-eyes.
If you order me a rib-eye, Ralph, I'm going to stick this knife in your neck.
[Knife cuts meat.]
Marc, you should've had the rib-eye.
[Sighs.]
I'm very happy with the salad, Ralph.
I'm off to the little girl's room.
You boys talk sports or something.
- With him? - With me? Marc, how long are you planning to stay? I guess until I get on my feet, right? I mean, whatever that means.
So until you get a job? Okay.
A real job? Or a showbiz job? You got something you want to say to me, Ralph? Yeah, I do.
Before you showed up here, I was planning on moving in with your mother.
Oh, well, good for you.
That's great.
Welcome to the family.
Obviously, that's not happening since you're here.
Well, un unless one of us kills the other.
You're a wise-ass.
Okay, look, in all seriousness, you know, I know I'm an imposition, all right, I get it.
And, you know, I I can tell that you two got a good thing going on.
I know she really likes you.
I'm happy she has someone.
Whatever.
[Birds chirping.]
- [Breathes deeply.]
- Inhale, exhale.
Walk it on out.
Okay, I I don't want to do this.
Am I even doing it right? Nod your chin, and walk back up.
- Okay.
- You're not nodding.
Come on, I'm nodding.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
[Inhales deeply.]
That does hurt.
Thanks, Mom.
I'm so glad you're enjoying it.
Some men think Pilates is too girly.
Well, you know, I'm a little girly.
Did did you ever think about becoming an instructor? Not really.
You think? Well, I mean, you know your stuff.
You're motivational, I listen to you.
And I don't even like listening to you.
Oh, you're being too kind.
So, Ralph, he said that, uh, I'm the one keeping you guys from moving in together.
He said that? Oh.
For the record, I never told him he could move in.
He forced the idea on me.
He thinks it's practical.
So you're not into it? Sometimes I even wonder why I'm going with him.
He's rude, he's overbearing, he's a know-it-all.
Wow.
Sounds like Dad.
I guess you've got a type, huh? You and me, we've never been lucky in love.
Well, I've had some good relationships Michelle.
Oh, your second ex-wife.
And why was that so good? 'Cause it didn't end in murder? Okay, all right, I blew that one.
Sometimes I feel like I passed it on to you.
You never saw me in a good relationship.
No, no, no, it's not your fault, okay? As an adult, I blame all my personal failures on Dad.
Ha! What a piece of shit he is.
- At least we got each other.
- Yeah.
So, Marc, about this drug thing, promise me you're gonna be okay.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I'm I'm gonna be okay.
So you want to get some ice cream after this? In your dreams.
Hey, hey, hey.
Huh.
I know, I know.
Honey? Don't use your phone at the table.
All right, I'm just finishing something.
- Dinners are for conversation.
- All right, just a minute.
Listen to your mother, Marc.
All right, so where's all this conversation I'm hearing about? Well, I got nothing to say.
Ralph? - What's going on now? - Jesus Christ.
I think I'm gonna get certified as a Pilates instructor.
- That's great news, Ma.
- You're kidding? No.
Why? You don't think I can do it? You're going to spend 1,000 bucks to get certified, and then in the middle of the thing, you're gonna drop out, right? What do you got, a a crystal ball in that long, droopy sack of yours? Pardon me? You're an asshole, you know that? Why do you got to shit on everything she does? Because you're a big shot? - You on drugs again? - Oh, yeah, yeah, because no one in their right mind could think that you're a blowhard and a douchebag.
Well, guess what, Ralph? She can't stand you.
Marc, stop it.
No, this guy needs to hear this.
You don't listen to her.
You don't care what she wants.
You're a bully.
And digest this, you pig, she doesn't want to live with you anymore.
[Grunts.]
[Groans.]
[Door creaks in distance.]
- [Door latch clicks.]
- This is good.
Lift and squeeze.
I I think I'm squeezing.
Am I squeezing? It's hard to tell.
You have no ass.
Wow.
Coming from you, that's that's a compliment.
How's my form? Is it is it okay? It's okay.
I think I'm I think I'm feeling it in my stomach.
Is is that normal? You you know what? Well, can I say something? [Grunts.]
Whatever happened with Ralph is for the best, okay? You did the right thing.
What did I do? You're the one that yelled at him.
Well, I was standing up for you.
I mean, you said he was making you unhappy.
Well, I'm not so sure I said that.
You did.
He's not so bad.
- Maybe you were too hard on him.
- [Man grunting.]
Oh, now you're putting this on me? [Grunting continues.]
Hey, buddy? Could you not make that noise? [Grunting.]
Ralph is a complete dick.
He said you couldn't be a Pilates instructor, - remember? - [Man grunting.]
That's just because he knows me, and he's right.
I don't give a shit about any of this.
- [Man grunting.]
- I feel bad.
He's got no place to go.
What? He gave up his apartment to move in with me.
- I don't know where he is.
- Ugh.
I didn't realize he had nowhere to go.
So so what happens now? Well well, there's nothing we can do about it.
- I've got you to take care of.
- [Man grunting.]
Me to take care of? You asked me to come down here.
You were in trouble.
You had no place to go.
- Holy shit.
- [Man grunting.]
That's why you brought me down here so you could dump Ralph without getting your hands dirty.
And now you want him back.
I was being a good mother.
I made a sacrifice for my son, even if it cost me a dear, dear man.
[Scoffs.]
Unreal.
- [Man grunting.]
- Marc? Ugh.
- Come on, dude, it's 5 pounds.
- [Grunts.]
- You're not moving an elephant.
- [Grunts.]
[Door opens.]
That table won't work.
This is where the guy sat me.
The sightlines are better here.
Good sightlines.
I already got stuff here, Ralph.
I mean, what can you see from over there? Sightlines.
All right.
[Sighs.]
So how's it going? You still at your old place? Currently on my sister's couch.
I feel like a refugee.
Yeah, I know how that goes.
Hey, um, look, about the other day Mm-hmm.
I spoke out of turn, okay? I was out of line.
She complains about me.
You should hear what she says about you.
Yeah? Fancy apples, whining all the time about your second ex-wife.
- Whining? - Mm-hmm.
That's the way she wants to see it, huh? She thinks you'll never be happy, because you don't want to be happy.
- That's what she thinks? - Mm-hmm.
Wow, and I thought we were connecting.
I mean, I am 52 years old, and I still don't really know what's in her head.
Your mother's a hard person to know.
Why is that? Do you get her? I get her enough.
At our age, we're not looking for perfection.
We just want companionship.
Hm.
All right, well, fair enough.
So, uh, what are we going to do? I got no place to go.
You got no place to go.
There's one thing I learned in the garment industry.
Every problem has an economic solution.
What, you want to pay me to go away? - You got a problem with that? - Not really.
Jorge.
Please.
A little privacy, please? Give me a number.
I I you know, I don't want to do this.
How much does an apartment in L.
A.
go for? - $500 a month? - What are you kidding? It's like $1,500 with a security deposit.
Nobody pays a security deposit.
That's for suckers.
I didn't know it was negotiable.
Everything is negotiable, Marc.
Why don't we hash this out over a rib-eye? Good idea.
Jorge, I I think we're ready to order.
There he is.
Are you sure you can't stay a little longer? Nope.
It's time to move on, Ma.
But you got no money.
Yeah, well, you know, I'll find a way, you know? Maybe I'll go from town to town doing good deeds like The Incredible Hulk.
Well, you got the temper.
You know I'll always be here for you.
Yes.
As as much as you can.
Oh, always with the zingers.
You know that's not necessary.
Here.
$1,000? Well, it's coming out of your inheritance anyway.
Well, that's nice.
I'm glad that there's a little of that left.
- Thank you.
- [Laughs.]
All right, let me go say goodbye to the monster.
Aw.
All right, Ralph, I'm leaving.
Ah.
1,000 bucks on top of my $2,000 you did pretty good for yourself.
Yes, I did.
Well, I was prepared to give you more.
Hmm.
Hey, Mom? Maybe I'll stay a little longer.
Thanks, man.
I-I I'm digging it.
You see, this is me on the bridge to recovery, right? And all this shit down here is stuff I have to stay above.
You know, like fear, anger, envy, BJ Novak books anything BJ Novak does, actually.
Uh, yeah, I'm letting that go this year.
I've got to say, you're making real progress.
Yeah, you think so? I mean, I can feel it.
You know, I I think, back in the day, I I would've thought this this shit was ridiculous, you know? Even now, if I think about it for a few seconds, it's it's pretty stupid.
But but it seems to be working.
That's called healing.
Okay, I'll take it.
Great.
So, uh, your 28 days are almost up.
Yeah.
What have you lined up for yourself post-treatment? Nothing really.
I'm just sort of pretending that it's not happening.
Well, it's happening.
You need to figure out where you're going.
Isn't it, like, negotiable? Can't I just do, like, post-grad work? You know, like I I think I can take this scrapbooking thing to the next level.
Don't sell yourself short.
You're ready.
You need to just figure out your next steps.
You figured it out.
You never left.
Why don't you just set me up in an office here? Well, I think being a drug counselor isn't a bad path for you.
You need to be five-years sober, and, uh, get a Master's degree in Psychology.
And if you want to get the license, well, then that requires 2,000-to-3,000 hours of clinical research unpaid, by the way and, of course, you have to be willing to listen to people like you.
Yeah.
I'll get my stuff together.
I can't leave yet, man.
I'm not ready.
Well, they think you're ready.
That's mad props to how much work you've done.
How come you get to stay longer than me? [Chuckles.]
My dad has good insurance.
Nice to have responsible parents.
Damn, I don't even know where I'm gonna go.
You could always go to sober living.
I hear those places are nasty.
Yeah.
I don't want to go there.
Yo, look how straight this snapback is.
Sweet.
[Telephone rings.]
[Telephone rings.]
Yeah? Hello? - Ralph.
- This is he.
It's Marc, Toni's son.
Ah.
Marc.
Marc.
How you doing? So, uh, you're picking up my mom's phone now, huh? Things getting pretty tight between you two, I guess? Well, the phone was ringing, I was right next to it, you know? Don't don't read too much into it.
So your mom says, uh, that you're in drug rehab.
Yes, I had to work through some stuff.
You know, back in the '80s, I did my share of drugs.
And when it got too much, I just I just stopped.
Nothing else, just stopped.
Oh, okay.
Well, good for you.
No doctors, no shrinks, just willpower.
Fantastic.
Is my mother there? Toni! It's your son Marc! He's on the phone! He's calling you from drug rehab! Oh, my God, what a dick.
What? Excuse me? Nothing.
Marc, how are you? Hi, Ma.
Uh, I don't like talking to that guy.
Well, that's because you're so much alike.
Well, that's creepy.
Look, I'm, uh I'm being discharged.
Oh, you're graduating? Yes, Mom, I'm graduating.
And I'm gonna need a little money to get back on my feet.
You can think of it as a graduation present, if that's helpful.
Ma, are you there? Marc, I can't give you any money.
That would be enabling.
Well, look, you'd be enabling me to get on with my life, all right? I need to find a place to live.
How do I know you're not gonna use it on drugs? You can't help yourself.
I I know how to be sober.
If you need a place to stay, why don't you come here? Ooh.
'Cause that sounds terrible.
Why not? Let me take care of you.
Well, you're not really the Florence Nightingale type.
Why would you say such a thing? You said it.
Those are your words.
Just come on.
I'll send you a ticket through the computer.
You know what? Don't worry about it, all right? I'll figure something out.
Oh, and by the way, your boyfriend brags about doing a lot of drugs in the '80s.
Yeah, well, he had no problem stopping.
But back then, it wasn't a disease.
Okay.
Bye.
[Stuttering.]
And ev ev every time that that that things get tough for me, I I'm gonna remember all all all the things that Dr.
Varma and and and Chris and and all you other gr great people taught me.
Not just about addiction, but but but about myself.
And you all have a spec special place in my my heart.
[Audience applauds and cheers.]
Yeah.
That was beautiful.
Thank you, Adam, for teaching me.
And now, our other graduate is going to say a few words.
Maron: Okay.
Marc.
I'll keep this short, everybody.
Um So, I'll, uh, see you next time.
[Sighs.]
Just Kidding.
It's a defense mechanism.
What? What What do I need to cry up here like an infant, so you people can feel validated? Is this is so so now this is your speech, is that it? Ugh.
All right.
Look, I'm I'm thankful, all right? - Thank you.
I - Chris: Great.
That's enough.
Wahh! You made me whole again.
Is that what you want? Eeh.
That was a good speech, man.
I was touched, seriously.
Ah, man, I can't believe I went 28 days without this.
Yo, when I get out of here, the three of us are gonna hang out, all right? Do something sober.
Oh, yeah? Like what? I don't know.
Bowling? - [Both laugh.]
- Marc: Yeah.
Okay.
All right, come on.
Uh! Uh! Lock it up, lock it - Ah, what? I Got it.
- You got it, you got it.
- All right.
- I'll miss you, man.
I'll miss you, too, man.
Hey, hey.
Oh.
All right, we're doing this.
Okay, buddy.
[Stuttering.]
Oh, I take take - take take care, Marc.
- All right.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Hey, hey, hey, Mom? Yeah, I I've reconsidered your offer.
All right, you're home.
Yeah, home.
Smells like heavily scented laundry in here.
You.
- You can never turn it off, can you? - Mm.
Well, at least you still got your sense of humor.
Still got it? What are you kidding? I just just found it again, thank you.
Look in the kitchen.
I got you Honeycrisp apples, Cocoa Puffs, and in your bedroom, I got you a record player from Urban Outfitters.
Wow.
What am I, 15? I'm sorry, Marc.
I was just trying to help.
I'm a terrible mother, and it's all my fault.
No, no, no, no, it's not your fault.
I'm a drug addict and, you know, sadly, this happens sometimes.
But do I need to hide my pills? Not a bad idea.
I mean, you know, I think I'm okay.
I I'm through the hard part.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
I-It'd be tragic if I were 40, uh, but, you know, moving in with your mommy at 52 is You need me more than I need you.
No, I'm done negotiating.
I'm trying to get the Miami Herald for 20 bucks a month.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
All right, bye-bye.
Ralph, look who's here.
Ah, Marc, you made it.
Yes, I made it.
So, you're off the schmeck for good, right? Well, that depends what "schmeck" is.
You know what I'm talking about.
Your mother has a very nice lifestyle down here.
All right, Ralph, that's enough.
He's doing good.
I know.
I can tell he's doing good.
Just looking out for you.
Marc, how you doing with socks? Do you need socks? - I got a guy.
- No, no, I don't need socks, but but but I'm curious about this schmeck, Ralph.
Don't be a wise-ass.
You know what I'm saying.
Who the hell are you to? Maybe maybe you'd like to go lie down for a bit? Yeah, that sounds good.
Toni, don't tell him to lie down.
I made reservations.
- He had a long flight.
- Johnny's holding the table for me.
You know what? Why don't you two go? Well, I-I don't even know if I like Johnny's.
- I-I-I don't know what to eat there.
- So your son's here, I wanted to do a nice thing for you, nice thing for him, I set up a dinner, I made reservations at Johnny's.
He's holding my table for me, now nobody wants to go.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm Ah.
Thank you, Jorge.
This one will work.
[Sniffs.]
Marc, is it okay if we drink in front of you? Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
Wine was never my thing.
Unless you dissolve painkillers in it.
[Laughs.]
You want to get addicted to something good, try the rib-eye.
I'm I'm gonna have half a chopped salad with bread and olive oil.
Toni, why can't you ever eat like a normal person? She eats this way everywhere.
I'm gonna do, uh yeah, you know, I think the Nicoise salad sounds good.
You don't come to Johnny's Original for Nicoise salad.
You try the rib-eye.
I'm going with the Nicoise salad.
You'll be happier with the rib-eye.
I'm going with the Nicoise salad.
I'm gonna order three rib-eyes.
If you order me a rib-eye, Ralph, I'm going to stick this knife in your neck.
[Knife cuts meat.]
Marc, you should've had the rib-eye.
[Sighs.]
I'm very happy with the salad, Ralph.
I'm off to the little girl's room.
You boys talk sports or something.
- With him? - With me? Marc, how long are you planning to stay? I guess until I get on my feet, right? I mean, whatever that means.
So until you get a job? Okay.
A real job? Or a showbiz job? You got something you want to say to me, Ralph? Yeah, I do.
Before you showed up here, I was planning on moving in with your mother.
Oh, well, good for you.
That's great.
Welcome to the family.
Obviously, that's not happening since you're here.
Well, un unless one of us kills the other.
You're a wise-ass.
Okay, look, in all seriousness, you know, I know I'm an imposition, all right, I get it.
And, you know, I I can tell that you two got a good thing going on.
I know she really likes you.
I'm happy she has someone.
Whatever.
[Birds chirping.]
- [Breathes deeply.]
- Inhale, exhale.
Walk it on out.
Okay, I I don't want to do this.
Am I even doing it right? Nod your chin, and walk back up.
- Okay.
- You're not nodding.
Come on, I'm nodding.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
[Inhales deeply.]
That does hurt.
Thanks, Mom.
I'm so glad you're enjoying it.
Some men think Pilates is too girly.
Well, you know, I'm a little girly.
Did did you ever think about becoming an instructor? Not really.
You think? Well, I mean, you know your stuff.
You're motivational, I listen to you.
And I don't even like listening to you.
Oh, you're being too kind.
So, Ralph, he said that, uh, I'm the one keeping you guys from moving in together.
He said that? Oh.
For the record, I never told him he could move in.
He forced the idea on me.
He thinks it's practical.
So you're not into it? Sometimes I even wonder why I'm going with him.
He's rude, he's overbearing, he's a know-it-all.
Wow.
Sounds like Dad.
I guess you've got a type, huh? You and me, we've never been lucky in love.
Well, I've had some good relationships Michelle.
Oh, your second ex-wife.
And why was that so good? 'Cause it didn't end in murder? Okay, all right, I blew that one.
Sometimes I feel like I passed it on to you.
You never saw me in a good relationship.
No, no, no, it's not your fault, okay? As an adult, I blame all my personal failures on Dad.
Ha! What a piece of shit he is.
- At least we got each other.
- Yeah.
So, Marc, about this drug thing, promise me you're gonna be okay.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I'm I'm gonna be okay.
So you want to get some ice cream after this? In your dreams.
Hey, hey, hey.
Huh.
I know, I know.
Honey? Don't use your phone at the table.
All right, I'm just finishing something.
- Dinners are for conversation.
- All right, just a minute.
Listen to your mother, Marc.
All right, so where's all this conversation I'm hearing about? Well, I got nothing to say.
Ralph? - What's going on now? - Jesus Christ.
I think I'm gonna get certified as a Pilates instructor.
- That's great news, Ma.
- You're kidding? No.
Why? You don't think I can do it? You're going to spend 1,000 bucks to get certified, and then in the middle of the thing, you're gonna drop out, right? What do you got, a a crystal ball in that long, droopy sack of yours? Pardon me? You're an asshole, you know that? Why do you got to shit on everything she does? Because you're a big shot? - You on drugs again? - Oh, yeah, yeah, because no one in their right mind could think that you're a blowhard and a douchebag.
Well, guess what, Ralph? She can't stand you.
Marc, stop it.
No, this guy needs to hear this.
You don't listen to her.
You don't care what she wants.
You're a bully.
And digest this, you pig, she doesn't want to live with you anymore.
[Grunts.]
[Groans.]
[Door creaks in distance.]
- [Door latch clicks.]
- This is good.
Lift and squeeze.
I I think I'm squeezing.
Am I squeezing? It's hard to tell.
You have no ass.
Wow.
Coming from you, that's that's a compliment.
How's my form? Is it is it okay? It's okay.
I think I'm I think I'm feeling it in my stomach.
Is is that normal? You you know what? Well, can I say something? [Grunts.]
Whatever happened with Ralph is for the best, okay? You did the right thing.
What did I do? You're the one that yelled at him.
Well, I was standing up for you.
I mean, you said he was making you unhappy.
Well, I'm not so sure I said that.
You did.
He's not so bad.
- Maybe you were too hard on him.
- [Man grunting.]
Oh, now you're putting this on me? [Grunting continues.]
Hey, buddy? Could you not make that noise? [Grunting.]
Ralph is a complete dick.
He said you couldn't be a Pilates instructor, - remember? - [Man grunting.]
That's just because he knows me, and he's right.
I don't give a shit about any of this.
- [Man grunting.]
- I feel bad.
He's got no place to go.
What? He gave up his apartment to move in with me.
- I don't know where he is.
- Ugh.
I didn't realize he had nowhere to go.
So so what happens now? Well well, there's nothing we can do about it.
- I've got you to take care of.
- [Man grunting.]
Me to take care of? You asked me to come down here.
You were in trouble.
You had no place to go.
- Holy shit.
- [Man grunting.]
That's why you brought me down here so you could dump Ralph without getting your hands dirty.
And now you want him back.
I was being a good mother.
I made a sacrifice for my son, even if it cost me a dear, dear man.
[Scoffs.]
Unreal.
- [Man grunting.]
- Marc? Ugh.
- Come on, dude, it's 5 pounds.
- [Grunts.]
- You're not moving an elephant.
- [Grunts.]
[Door opens.]
That table won't work.
This is where the guy sat me.
The sightlines are better here.
Good sightlines.
I already got stuff here, Ralph.
I mean, what can you see from over there? Sightlines.
All right.
[Sighs.]
So how's it going? You still at your old place? Currently on my sister's couch.
I feel like a refugee.
Yeah, I know how that goes.
Hey, um, look, about the other day Mm-hmm.
I spoke out of turn, okay? I was out of line.
She complains about me.
You should hear what she says about you.
Yeah? Fancy apples, whining all the time about your second ex-wife.
- Whining? - Mm-hmm.
That's the way she wants to see it, huh? She thinks you'll never be happy, because you don't want to be happy.
- That's what she thinks? - Mm-hmm.
Wow, and I thought we were connecting.
I mean, I am 52 years old, and I still don't really know what's in her head.
Your mother's a hard person to know.
Why is that? Do you get her? I get her enough.
At our age, we're not looking for perfection.
We just want companionship.
Hm.
All right, well, fair enough.
So, uh, what are we going to do? I got no place to go.
You got no place to go.
There's one thing I learned in the garment industry.
Every problem has an economic solution.
What, you want to pay me to go away? - You got a problem with that? - Not really.
Jorge.
Please.
A little privacy, please? Give me a number.
I I you know, I don't want to do this.
How much does an apartment in L.
A.
go for? - $500 a month? - What are you kidding? It's like $1,500 with a security deposit.
Nobody pays a security deposit.
That's for suckers.
I didn't know it was negotiable.
Everything is negotiable, Marc.
Why don't we hash this out over a rib-eye? Good idea.
Jorge, I I think we're ready to order.
There he is.
Are you sure you can't stay a little longer? Nope.
It's time to move on, Ma.
But you got no money.
Yeah, well, you know, I'll find a way, you know? Maybe I'll go from town to town doing good deeds like The Incredible Hulk.
Well, you got the temper.
You know I'll always be here for you.
Yes.
As as much as you can.
Oh, always with the zingers.
You know that's not necessary.
Here.
$1,000? Well, it's coming out of your inheritance anyway.
Well, that's nice.
I'm glad that there's a little of that left.
- Thank you.
- [Laughs.]
All right, let me go say goodbye to the monster.
Aw.
All right, Ralph, I'm leaving.
Ah.
1,000 bucks on top of my $2,000 you did pretty good for yourself.
Yes, I did.
Well, I was prepared to give you more.
Hmm.
Hey, Mom? Maybe I'll stay a little longer.