Resident Alien (2021) s04e05 Episode Script
The Human Condition
1
Previously on "Resident Alien"
There is a deadly Mantid
running around.
I called in Agent Jules Gardner
to assist us in the investigation.
This has serial killer
written all over it.
I'm sure we'll catch
whoever it is in no time.
- [SCREECHES]
- [BODY THUDS]
I killed a Mantid. Ate his guts.
- I will take two boxes.
- And this is yours, too.
We don't even need that
implant to watch you.
We're watching you anyway.
We're everywhere.
The Greys show up looking
for her, we'll see them.
I set up indoor cameras.
I don't know where she is.
I want you to meet your kids.
Heather, I'm actually a human.
What?
You deserve to have what we had before.
I can no longer give you that.
[BLUE NORTHERN'S "CAN'T STOP"]
♪
Running has existed in the
universe for billions of years
as a necessary part
of a creature's survival.
Modern humans do this too,
but they call it jogging.
Well, I can't stop my
feelings from running away ♪
I can't stop ♪
If a human from a million years ago
saw us running for fun,
he would laugh and laugh
until the sound brought
a woolly mammoth to eat him.
I just can't stop ♪
[CARS HONKING]
You're in the middle of the road!
[BROWN BIRD'S "BILGEWATER"]
[LAID-BACK ACOUSTIC STRUMMING]
♪
if your sweetheart ♪
sends a letter ♪
of goodbye ♪
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Because humans have
diminished mental capacity
and bad eyesight, we must hang
giant reminders for ourselves.
How else will I remember
where the incredibly
huge body of water is?
if you cry ♪
And if you can show your life is better
than everyone else's, you win humaning.
When waking ♪
#myofficetoday.
#lakelife.
#lake.
#life.
#blessed.
[PHONE CHIMES]
Footguy1172 has already liked it.
Oh.
I am doing everything humans do.
So why am I feeling empty inside?
Do all humans feel this way
when they are alone?
I made up a word for it
Alone-liness.
I think most humans are alone-ly.
That is why so many people
believe in aliens.
It is comforting for them
to know they are not alone.
Which is exactly why Peter Bach created
the Alien Tracker Podcast.
As you know,
Peter passed away last year,
but I am proud to continue his legacy.
I am Liv Baker.
And welcome again to my
podcast, "Alien Cracker,"
where I will discuss aliens,
as well as the best
cheese and cracker pairings.
[MUNCHING]
Mmm.
Today, I am trying a delicious
Rosemary wheat cracker
with a Vermont goat cheese
as I discuss the search
for Peter Bach's son, Robert.
But first, a word from our sponsor.
[CLEARS THROAT] Hey, alien lovers.
Maybe the moon isn't made of cheese.
But our Vermont select
holiday platter is.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
- Cracker?
- Oh. No, thank you.
I don't eat appetizers in closets.
That's stretch-out food.
What are you doing?
I'm just recording my podcast,
trying to find the
alien tracker's son, Robert.
I'll pack my stuff up and go.
No, no, no, no, no.
You stay.
I'm headed over to the 59.
I think it's good you're
getting the word out.
I mean, all this
This alien stuff,
it's all connected somehow.
So maybe, if we find Robert,
we can find Joseph.
Yeah. Good work, Deputy.
It's so good to hear you say that,
to know I finally have
a partner in this.
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy! Easy, Deputy.
Haven't you read the hr pamphlet?
We can't be hugging in no closets.
Big no-no. Big-ass no-no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
[BLUESY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
Let love come to you ♪
let love come to you ♪
I don't need to go ♪
let love come to you ♪
let love come to you ♪
let love come to you ♪
let love come to you ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
We'll be right back. Thank you.
Humans are just like animals.
Both are drawn to communal areas.
This is why bars are
called watering holes.
Bars are also called church
so that Irish men
do not have to lie to their wives.
Well, look who it is. The good doctor.
You are alone-ly, too.
I will sit with you, and we can hide
from the cold,
desperate pain of alone-liness.
Man, if you're trying to say lonely,
I'm the opposite of that.
I have the aching needs
of an entire community on me.
If it wasn't for my ethical standards,
I'd never pay for another
drink in my life.
Pro tip you can also get
that by wearing a miniskirt.
I see you discovered social media.
I followed you. You're welcome.
#beer.
#turn on all the sports games.
Unfollow.
Hey, you still
having kickoff karaoke here
before the mining days festival?
Why, are you thinking about
bribing a judge or something?
[LAUGHS] That's ridiculous.
[LAUGHS]
The category is '80s power ballads.
'80s power ballads.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Doc, check it out.
Looks like that nice lady over
there has got eyes for you.
I already have eyes.
Go talk to her.
Tell her you're a doctor.
Women love that.
Perhaps this is the answer
to my alone-liness.
I will do what humans do
Find a partner who will spend
their life trying to fix me.
Hello.
I'm Harry. I'm the town doctor.
I know a lot of doctor things.
Really? I'm Lydia.
I work in the bookstore.
And I know a lot of book things.
And I know a handsome man
when I see one.
Handsome? Me?
Oh, I don't know. I used to think so.
But lately, I don't know
about this nose and this
This neck skin.
[LAUGHS]
Mm.
So, doctor, hmm?
- Do you enjoy it?
- Not very much.
But you would if we were a couple.
Oh. And why is that?
Because doctors are good at sex,
because doctors have
seen lots of vaginas.
What?
Doctors have seen so many vaginas.
I swear, you cannot swing a stethoscope
- in my office without seeing
- I heard you.
a vagina.
This morning, a woman came in.
Bam! Vagina.
[LAUGHS] Ok, man.
I'm just leaving with my friend here.
My friend's drunk on stupid.
[ZIPPER WHIRS]
Wait, wait.
So what the hell are you doing,
talking about vaginas?
I am just looking for a mate
so that I'm no longer lonely
Alone-ly loney.
I'm I'm alone.
Well, this ain't how
you do it, all right?
If you want something real,
you're better off
building a foundation
You know, taking your time,
like I did with Lena.
But don't take too much time,
'cause then you get friend zoned.
What is friend zoned?
[LAUGHS] Oh, what is friend zoned?
It's like you're outside
a cupcake shop, right?
And the line is real long,
but you wait,
'cause those cupcakes are great.
And you finally get in,
but now the cupcake's
sleeping with somebody who
slipped in the back door.
- Ho-ho!
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
I'm going to go
tell Lydia that I'd like
- to slip in her back door.
- No, no!
No, no, no.
Forget Lydia, please,
before she calls the cops.
I don't want to have to arrest you.
I still got half a beer left.
Lord have mercy.
[DOOR CLICKS]
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
moving on, so long, my darling ♪
there's no hurry ♪
Oh. Oh.
Hey. Did I miss my dad playing?
Just the first set.
But you somehow still manage
to look so beautiful.
Ok, I told you,
we are not getting a dog.
Oh, that's right. Sorry.
I already submitted an application
for that place in Jessup, so
- No.
- Yeah.
- D'Arcy.
- Oops.
Hey, you guys were great.
I was here behind, uh, someone tall.
Just in time.
Maybe you can talk some
sense into your father.
Ok. Um, what?
You swearing off pie now, too?
Just cake and cookies, never pie.
See? You and Harry are more
alike than you think.
What did Sampson mean?
He submitted our stuff
to some music festival,
and we got in.
Now he thinks I can just pick
up and hit the road with him
for a week like we're 19.
- Dad, that's great.
- Really?
Because I'm not 19. I'm 119.
- And I have a job.
- Are you sure?
You should go.
Plus, I could watch the diner.
- You already have a job.
- Yeah.
And the clinic is
just a stone's throw away
from the diner, which I literally know
from that time that D'Arcy got drunk,
and she bet some guy in front
of the diner that she could
hit the clinic with a rock.
I appreciate it, but no thanks.
- Come on.
- My fans are waiting.
I gotta get ready for the next set.
Ok.
'Cause I'm waiting ♪
I can't believe my dad.
He doesn't trust me to watch
the diner for a week.
I mean, it's right down
the street from the clinic.
A stone's throw away.
That's what I said.
Sometimes I think he still just sees me
as this little girl that
used to sit at the counter
with crayons instead of a capable adult
who has a job and lives on her own.
- Well, you live with me.
- Not if you get a dog.
Asta! Asta.
Asta!
Whoa!
Asta, will you marry me?
What?
Dog not looking so bad now, is it?
Wow.
Two alien proposals in one month.
I can't get a normal date, but suddenly
I'm the belle of the alien ball.
I'm not an alien anymore.
I'm just a human man trying
to backdoor a human woman.
What?
No, look, never mind.
Thank you for these flowers.
But why did you propose to me?
Because I don't want to be alone.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
Oh.
♪
Harry.
When I was with Heather and
my bird babies, I felt so full.
I felt whole.
They're gone.
But
I still want a family.
Well, you have family.
You have Bridget.
I know how much he means to you.
- I do like my Bridget.
- Yeah.
In the mornings, he is so cute.
Sometimes, I just want
to punch him in the throat!
- [LAUGHS]
- Hmm?
That's how my father showed affection.
Oh, ok.
Well, maybe you should
spend more time with him.
And take these flowers back
to the fake flower store.
- Hmm?
- Oh.
They're not from a store.
I got them from a grave.
Asta is right.
The connection I have with Bridget
is as strong as any
I could get with a mate.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
♪
When I was an alien,
I thought being a father
was just freezing your child
in the ice wind desert
and kicking him in the face.
But now it feels like
there is so much more.
- Ready for this?
- Ready for what?
Watch this. Watch this.
- Wham!
- Aww.
Give up!
Hello?
You gotta be kidding me.
I can't believe you won again.
- You want to try again?
- Ridiculous.
- Hello?
- You just got got.
[BRIDGET COOS]
This could be good.
What better way to bond with my child
than meeting his friends?
This will be fun.
Who's the dork?
Ah, Bridget's Dad.
I'm sure it will still be a little fun.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
Did you know Liv had a podcast?
Yeah.
I think, uh, it's about
her alien tracker friend.
She does it in
the supply closet at work.
I'm actually in the background
of an episode
- looking for staples.
- Listen to this.
Are aliens harvesting souls?
We don't know, but at Smith Farm Stand,
we harvest the freshest vegetables.
Not that.
Although the alien tracker
is no longer with us,
the search for his son,
Robert, continues.
Apparently, he was abducted
from his mother's womb
before he was born.
Sound familiar?
Hmm.
I think it's time we talk to Liv.
Wait, are are you sure?
I thought you were worried
about Mike getting in the way.
Oh, Mike can't know. Just Liv.
She says that she has information
she can't share with the public.
Maybe it's something that
can help us get our baby.
You know, with those little
freak alien girls watching us,
it's just getting more dangerous.
Mm.
Are those cookies from the alien girl?
♪
Well, they're still cookies.
♪
And I said, nice try.
My mom would never do that.
[LAUGHTER]
I know a couple of Decathroids
- who would say different.
- [LAUGHS]
I'll Decathroid your hidden
third eye if you don't shut up.
All right. Chill.
Look, the point is, the ship exploded,
and I won 40 million sonira.
Boom!
That's like six American dollars.
[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]
- What?
- [GRUMBLES]
Do not roll your eyes at me.
[GRUMBLES]
Let's just change the subject, ok?
Let's talk about, um, sport.
Homo sapiens sports are boring.
No one ever gets killed.
If you're playing with a ball,
and it's not even on fire,
why should I care?
Because that's what
polite conversation is.
You pretend to be interested
in what someone is saying.
Mm. Mm.
Mm. Yeah, even if they're boring.
Mm, mm, mm.
Like you right now. [LAUGHTER]
Oh, that is so funny.
You are supposed to eat the outside
of the olive, not the pit!
And your shirt is not a napkin.
Dude, it's a poker game,
not a tea party.
Actually, it stopped being a poker game
when I realized you were
all reading my mind.
That's cheating!
It's not our fault you're a human now.
[LAUGHTER]
Stop speaking telepathically!
You know, you are very rude guests.
Relax. Stop being such a ho-sape.
How dare you.
That is our word, ok?
You're not allowed to use that word.
That's it. This game is over.
Everybody out!
Ok, dad.
Let's go back to my place.
I just got a fish tank.
Great. We're taking the table with us.
- See you later, hume.
- Oh, no!
See, that's also problematic!
Mm-hmm.
- [BABBLING]
- I do not care!
You do not need friends like that.
You have me. I'm your father.
I am all you need.
[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]
Wait. You do not run away from me!
Do not slam that door, young man
[DOOR SLAMS] Son of a bitch!
Cosmic ♪
up by the sun ♪
Good morning.
Moon's gonna shine on me ♪
Why are you here?
Someone has to watch
the diner while you
go play the music festival.
Asta, we talked about this.
- You have a job.
- Yes.
And I can do both.
I can open the diner,
and then I can go
check in at the clinic,
and then I can come back to the diner.
It's great exercise.
- Asta
- Talking is over, ok?
You're going.
'Cause soon, you'll be an elder.
Whoa. Stop throwing that word around.
I'm not an elder yet.
Well, soon, you will be one.
And you'll be too busy
with opening prayers
and land acknowledgments.
There'll be no time
for hitting the road, old man.
Right now, you look like a rock star.
Go be one.
I already told the band I'm not going.
Well, I told them you are going, hm?
And I can take care
of the diner while you're gone.
I've worked here
my whole life, on and off.
- I know how things operate.
- When are the food deliveries?
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Driver's name is Hal.
I even have his number,
just in case there's a problem.
Server and cook shift sheet
are in the office.
Money bank drops are nightly.
And the payroll is Friday.
Not bad.
Have fun.
[CHUCKLES]
This is empty.
It's symbolic. You still have to pack.
Rock stars don't do their own packing.
[LAUGHS]
It's gone to your head already.
[LAUGHS]
And I hate wearing this dumb skin suit.
You complain too much, Bridget.
You wear your human suit all the time.
You just wore it yesterday.
Only because I had to go
to the store to refill my vape.
I told you, that is harmful.
This is stupid!
It is not stupid for a father to want
to spend time with his son.
The weather is horrible. It's windy.
- Agh!
- You're freezing.
The waves are making me sick.
I am not freezing. I'm warm.
And sick is good.
You just throw up over the side.
It'll chum the waters.
[CHUCKLES]
[DOGS BARKING]
How can I help you today?
Hey.
I put in an application
to adopt a dog from your site.
Ruby.
I hadn't heard back, so I thought
I'd just come in and pick her up.
The name's D'Arcy Bloom.
Well, let me see.
It probably just got lost.
We get backlogged here, so
I'm sorry.
Your application was rejected.
What?
We got some bad feedback
from your references.
You must be kidding.
We're just really strict
about where we place our dogs.
It doesn't take much for the computer
to flag something,
even something small,
like arrested for public drunkenness
and defacing a campus statue.
[SCOFFS] That was just
crazy college fun.
It was two months ago.
I didn't say I was in college.
We need to make sure
we're moving our dogs
into a better home.
Better than a dog shelter?
Yes.
So what you're saying is
that my life isn't
good enough for a dog?
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry about what?
My life or the dog?
- I guess both?
- Ah.
Wow. This is bullshit.
This whole place is bullshit!
And you know it!
I know.
What kind of hoops
do I have to jump through?
You want me to do some tricks?
- No.
- This is bullshit!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Pretty girl ♪
she should have ♪
Oh, hi, Susan. Are you ready to order?
Looks like you're in the wrong place.
I am just covering for my dad
while he's out of town.
Oh, hey.
Are you staying on top
of your medications?
Cholesterol and Diabetes.
- Every day.
- Good.
Ok. What can I get for you?
Double cheeseburger with
fries and a chocolate shake.
Um, did you ever think that
if you didn't eat like that,
you wouldn't have to be
on those meds? [CHUCKLES]
Do you ever think I went on those meds
so I can eat like that?
What do you say to a nice salad,
a skinless chicken breast,
and an unsweetened iced tea?
I say, when does Dan get back?
Oh, hey, Jay.
Sorry, you're not
on the schedule today.
Yeah, Dan called.
He asked me to come in and help out.
Oh. Well, I'm fine.
I don't need any help.
So you can go.
He said you'd say that,
and for me not to go.
Great.
If he doesn't trust me,
why doesn't he just come back?
Maybe he should.
One more word out of you, Susan,
I'm gonna bring you a bowl
of kale and a glass of water.
Don't you have a wedding to plan?
Does everyone know?
Ugh!
So that's it?
You're shutting down
the whole investigation?
It's been a while since
there's been a murder.
Seems the killer's
moved out of our area.
So the FBI's reassigned the case
to the Seattle field office.
What if the Mantid didn't move on?
The what? What's a Mantid?
What's a Mantid? You didn't tell her?
- No, didn't mention that.
- And you don't need to either.
Ok.
Mum's the word.
I think the killer's
a giant alien Mantid
that lives up in the hills.
And I think the only reason
that these murders haven't been
happening recently is because
it's been feeding on deer
to throw us off the track.
Now, I saw it with
my own eyes, both of them.
And I think that that thing
is still up there,
and it's just waiting.
We'll take that under consideration.
No, you won't.
- No.
- See?
It's almost like I knew
what you was gonna say,
because I'm psychic.
I think I think I think we've
Yes.
we've got to a natural stopping
- Yes.
- Point.
So
Debra said you wanted to see me?
Yes. Yes.
Um, Kate and I wanted to ask
you over for dinner tonight.
Really? Fun.
John was just complaining
we don't go out enough.
Yeah.
This isn't really a plus-one situation.
Oh.
But aren't both you and Kate
gonna be there?
Uh-huh. Yep. Yep.
But we both live there,
so it's not really a plus one.
A plus one for us would be if
we each brought our own dates.
You know? How awkward would that be?
Pretty awkward.
It's kind of weird that
you would even suggest it.
- I didn't.
- All is forgiven.
Yeah, we'll we'll laugh
about it over dinner.
Oh, I'm already laughing.
- Super hard.
- I'm laughing harder.
They're dropping the
serial killer investigation.
Your cheerleader friend thinks
the killer done moved on.
And she didn't buy
into my Mantid theory.
Could've used some backup in there.
What was you doing talking to Ben?
He just invited me over for dinner.
I think he and Kate want
to talk about something.
And I think it might be about aliens.
Really? That's great.
Maybe we can finally start
getting some answers.
Well, what time do they
want us to be there?
Oh, they just want me to come.
What did Ben say when you
demanded that I join you,
and when you told him that you're only
half a human being without me?
I didn't say that.
Uh-huh.
I feel like this has
something to do with me
not giving you a closet hug.
If you want fish so bad,
pointing a stick at them is,
like, the dumbest
possible way to do it.
That's not the point.
As humans, fishing is
not about catching fish.
It's about talking about how
we are not catching fish.
Oh, darn it.
It looks like the fish,
they're just not biting.
Those sons sons of bitches!
The truth is, I need my little
baby Bridget to stay human
because I do not know
how to bond with him
when he is in his alien form.
No! Oh, no. Don't you do it.
No. Hey, hey!
Do not put that in your mouth.
Throw it back.
That's not what we're doing.
No! You put it back.
No, don't! Not like that!
What is your problem?
I'm trying to bond.
Is it wrong for a human father
who used to be an alien to want
his half-human, half-alien son
to be human, too?
What?
I'm not an alien anymore.
I need you to be human.
That's not who I am.
I'm both.
And if you don't like it,
go find yourself a little
human boy to spend time with.
No, Bridget, that's
I don't don't do it!
No, no! Bridget!
Bridget!
Such a good swimmer.
That's a beautiful stroke.
Good news!
I'm adopting you.
What are you doing here?
And why are you in my bed?
Well, ever since I became a human,
I get cold really easily.
Like when I used to get cold,
and you'd call me
a weak little chihuahua boy?
Well, that was because
your hair was short,
and you were cute, which is why
I've decided to adopt you.
I want to give you a good family.
Why would I let you adopt me?
I don't even like you.
- That is a lie.
- You love me.
Remember when I used you as an ottoman?
[LAUGHS] Oh, that was fun.
For you. And it was different then.
I mean, sure, you were mean to me
and tried to kill me a few times.
At least you were an alien.
Now you're just an old guy,
a human, and not even a good one.
How am I not a good human?
Good humans don't sneak
into young boys' bedrooms,
get in their beds, and say,
let's be friends.
It's weird, and probably illegal.
Fine.
I will leave.
Maybe you're the one who is weird.
You ever think of that?
Gross.
What?
Well, I get really cold,
and then I get really hot.
[BLUESY ROCK MUSIC]
Being human sucks.
♪
mama's making house ♪
baby needs a toy ♪
Ok.
Sorry it took so long.
We are short staffed,
so I booted your ticket
to the back of the queue
because you're my friend,
and I knew you'd understand What?
Little cold.
What would you say if they were free?
Now they're warm and delicious.
Melissa called from the clinic.
They need you to come in
and set a broken leg.
Well, that's why
Ellen's covering for me.
She can do it.
- Um
- Huh?
Can you warm these up?
Ah! Uh
- Breathe.
- Why?
That would just keep me alive.
♪
That waitress looks just like Asta.
- Ok.
- Whoa.
Um, how did it go with the dog?
Um, pretty good.
[IN VAGUE EUROPEAN ACCENT]
My name is Bernice.
I am considered royalty.
I'm in the market for a dog,
one named Maybe it's like Ruby.
Dogs deserve to be spent money on.
And I have all the money.
I can afford everything for the dog,
like food, glasses of wine.
We wear our chains with
our initials on it.
Riding together like, we're riding.
Ruby deserves a wonderful home
made of gold.
You didn't get the dog, did you?
I sure didn't. No.
Don't freak out.
- The refrigerator's broken.
- Oh, God.
Ok, well, the refrigerator's
gonna have to wait,
because now I have
to go set a broken leg.
Ma'am? Excuse me.
I'm sorry, but you look
just like someone I know.
Like [IMITATES EXPLOSION]
[DOORBELL JINGLES]
Rude.
Thanks for the invite.
The last dinner I went to
was a murder mystery thing
a couple months ago.
[CHUCKLES] Let me guess.
You solved it right away and
ruined the night for everyone?
They knew I was a cop
when they invited me.
Well, this is just a casual dinner.
No mysteries to solve.
Just just three friends hanging out.
Exactly what I was hoping for.
Whew!
Oh, shit.
Oh, hey.
I didn't know if this
was a doorbell house
or a knock house.
So you didn't do either. Welcome.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, sorry I'm late, deputy.
I didn't know what y'all were serving,
so I stopped and grabbed a chicken.
We're actually serving chicken.
Oh, good!
I see you took my note
from the last time,
when, well, all you had was soup.
[LAUGHS] Oh, uh,
I brought a knife to cut the chicken.
Oh, we we also have knives.
Oh, well, I prefer to use
my own knife to cut my food,
being that most Americans
don't adhere to the proper
knife sharpening regimen.
Look at that. Oh-ho!
[LAUGHTER]
Is there a regimen?
Nobody wants jagged chicken, ok?
Whoo!
Smell like a bunch of yum
up in this bitch.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
It's not over till it's over ♪
don't stop now,
we're getting closer ♪
everybody knows ♪
that you can't close heaven's doors ♪
it's not over ♪
Yeah.
There's got to be an unlocked
window or something.
You know, it's bullshit
they made me do this.
You know, busting Ruby out
of here isn't even stealing.
It's a rescue mission.
Yeah, it is.
Ok, hold on, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
Go. Try.
What? How is it not 1234?
You thought that would work?
Everyone uses 1234 so you
don't have to memorize it.
What, does, like, Einstein
work here or something?
Oh, give me your credit card.
Yes, boss. Ok.
Here you go, chef.
- Got it.
- Oh.
Yeah, that's right.
All right, you want to
Shit.
- Sorry about that.
- It's ok.
- It's your card.
- What?
Why do you have my credit card?
I got it the other night
when we were at your place,
remember?
You said, help yourself to anything.
So I took your credit card
and your shower soap.
Well, I didn't mean
to steal my whole identity.
I can get it.
Ok, wait.
- I can't
- Oh, oh.
- I can't
- Ooh, here.
Let me try. Let me try.
Let me try. Let me try.
I've got little bird arms.
All right, watch this.
Ok. Get it, get it, get it.
- So close.
- Just a little bit.
- I'm stuck.
- You can't be stuck.
- I'm stuck.
- No. No.
Come on.
- Come on.
- [GRUNTS]
Ow.
Shh!
Ah!
Judy, the first rule of break-ins
is don't get your arm
stuck in the door.
It's not a break-in unless
you break something going in.
I'll get you out.
I got you, girl!
I got you!
[GLASS SHATTERS] [ALARM RINGING]
Now it's a break-in. Save yourself!
Run! Go!
I'll be ok.
Get a saw.
- Get a saw?
- Get some pliers.
It's your arm.
I can get in. You can get out.
Ok, you get in.
And then, once I'm in, you get
- Ok.
- You grab.
You grab. Pull it.
Ok. I'm
- Ow.
- Ow.
- Ow.
- Ow.
- Ow.
- Ow!
If there were a planet
with only one creature on it,
I imagine they would
feel much more alone.
But on earth,
there are billions of people.
How is it possible that
so many of them are lonely?
[DOOR CLICKS]
Bridget, is that you?
[RUSTLING]
Announce yourself!
[RUSTLING]
And if you want to be my
friend, the answer's yes!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Harry?
Peter?
You're not an alien.
You're not human.
I guess we've got a lot
of catching up to do.
Why did you come?
They wanted to talk.
Now they'll never tell me anything.
And if they do, it might
just be misinformation.
You know what?
I think you're thinking of
disinformation, because, see,
misinformation isn't intended to
I don't care.
Listen, do you think
I would come over here
and infiltrate this dinner
to extract information
with them without a plan, or
a chicken and a carving knife?
I would have thought that,
but I never will again.
- Unbelievable.
- I know.
Who invites themselves
to a dinner party?
Yeah, that too.
But this knife is incredible.
It's like slicing through yogurt.
Ah.
Hi, can you stop and look at me?
What do we do?
Do we just forget tonight
and talk to Liv another time?
No, no. You were right before.
Our baby is out there, and
we need information right now.
We we can't risk waiting.
Ok, you find some way to get
Mike out, and I'll talk to Liv.
Got it. Wait, and Kate.
Yeah?
Put knife sharpener
on my Christmas list.
[MELLOW MUSIC]
♪
- [CORK POPS]
- [GRUNTS]
Oh. You opened more wine?
Oh, yeah. I hope it's ok.
Not really a wine guy.
So I wasn't sure if this was
one of your special occasion,
pricey wines.
And yet you zeroed right in on it.
Well, you know,
I just think it's easier
for people to talk when they drink.
You know, back in do,
when we had a suspect,
on the way down to the jail,
we'd stop by a bar
and get 'em nice and
liquored up before we chat.
I'm not in uniform,
so I didn't hear that.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, go ahead.
Drink up.
Oh, uh, you know what
might be fun first?
If I show you my candle collection.
Oh. No, thank you.
I don't like candles.
- Honey.
- Huh?
Sorry. Uh,
what exactly doesn't work for you
about the tiny, magical controlled fire
that has been illuminating
the lives of human beings
for thousands of years?
Well, see, I just don't get the point.
I mean, light bulbs were invented
over a hundred years ago.
What's candles still
sticking around for?
Uh, romance?
Ambiance? Celebration?
- Rituals?
- Yeah.
- Health? Holiday smells?
- You know what?
That sounds like big candle
talking to me.
And you want to know the truth?
Candles mean death, right?
'Cause all I know is colonel mustard,
he didn't kill
professor plum in the study
with a light bulb stick.
Ok?
Well, on your birthday,
I hope you enjoy blowing out
your light bulbs.
Yeah, well, you know what? Wrong again.
I don't blow them out.
I pinch them out with
spit fingers like a man.
I wish someone would kill me
with a light bulb stick.
I'm right there with you.
So my son was in the moon?
Yes, then Vegas.
Oh. I think I prefer the moon.
I hope he didn't go
to those girlie shows.
I'm sorry I do not know
where he is now.
He was very kind
to Bridget and me in prison.
How is your boy?
He hates me.
[LAUGHS] I'm sure that's not true.
No, I tried to make him be
my friend, and he would not.
No one would.
In my experience,
people like being with people
who like being with themselves.
Why would I want to be with me?
A loser with no friends.
You were pretty comfortable
with yourself
when you were an alien.
I know how to be an alien.
But I'm not an alien anymore.
But I don't feel like a human.
I'm neither.
No.
You're both.
Look at me.
- I'm trying, but it's hard.
- I know.
I'm this robot.
But I feel like a human.
You are half of each.
No, not half of each.
100% of both.
That is bad math,
especially for a robot.
I am everything I was
and everything I am.
You are both human and alien now,
and that's a good thing.
[SOFT MUSIC]
I hope you're right.
Just remember,
the only person who will
always be with you is you.
And when that's enough,
you'll never be lonely.
Now, I have to go find my son.
Good luck with yours.
Thank you.
♪
We have to switch things up.
I'll take Liv.
You distract the candle hater.
I mean, I can't even
look at him right now.
Do you think you can get her to talk?
Just keep Mike busy.
You have my permission
to use your feminine wiles.
My feminine wiles?
Yeah, a little bit of the
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Va-va-voom.
Oh.
Sure, Ben.
See you in 1958.
I think we might need a new plan.
Yeah.
It's so weird that insulting
the man's life passion
didn't open them right up.
Deputy, candles aren't a passion.
They're a light source.
Talking about a passion for a candle.
Hello.
- What?
- Yeah, come here.
Look, look, look. Look at this.
It's a little teeny-tiny camera.
Damn.
All this time, we've been trying
to figure out their secret.
And now we know.
They're swingers.
What? No.
Deputy, can't you think
of any other reason
to have a hidden camera in your house?
Probably only 50.
I just don't see
Ben and Kate as swingers.
Maybe Kate?
Definitely Kate.
But Ben won't even take
his shirt off at the pool.
Deputy, it's never the ones you expect.
Trust me.
I done seen enough
depraved sexual behaviors
and appetites for a lifetime.
Was that when you were in Vice?
- No, Tampa.
- Oh.
Who's up for some
after-dinner cordials?
- Oh, actually, I'm
- Oh, whoops.
Oh.
- God, clumsy me.
- Oh, Ben.
Take Liv to the bathroom
and get that stain out before it sets!
Yeah, let's get that blouse off you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm not a swinger!
Um, what?
Don't play dumb.
We found your tiny hidden camera.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
- Ben?
- What? I didn't put it there.
- Neither did I.
- Then who did?
Oh, my God. Ben.
- What?
- The cookie girls.
What cookie girls?
- In our house?
- I know.
- What cookie girls?
- The aliens!
The ones who took our baby.
[RELAXED MUSIC]
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
Breaking and entering.
Well, really just breaking.
We didn't even get in. [CHUCKLES]
It didn't have to go down this way.
Saying my lifestyle isn't
stable enough for a dog.
You sure showed them, huh?
Yeah.
Well, now I have a court date.
Oh, will you go with me?
You need a ride, don't you?
My car got booted last week.
Oh, God. Of course it did.
- D'Arcy
- I know. I know.
Don't say anything. I know.
Ok. Good.
- [PHONE DINGS]
- Oh, great.
The refrigerator guy's running late.
I'd keep you company,
but I gotta close tonight.
Oh, wait, are you doing
the bank drop for the bar?
- Mm.
- Ok.
Can you do mine, too?
Yeah. Gimme, gimme.
- Thank you.
- See?
I'm a good person. I deserve a dog.
These times will guide me ♪
and I've got to love ♪
a little harder than I've ♪
ever before ♪
Teddy, can I get a whiskey soda?
Yep.
For my darkest hour? ♪
Well, at least they gave you
your credit card back,
so you can pay for these drinks.
Oh, and I'll give you
your sneakers back tomorrow.
Those are my sneakers?
Yeah.
But don't worry,
I'm not wearing any gross,
sweaty socks.
It's just my raw feet.
Cool.
This is all that shelter's fault.
I mean, you were just
trying to save a dog.
Right? That's what I said to Asta.
She wasn't buying it.
What'd she say?
Nothing.
She just has a way of saying
a lot without saying anything.
Well, I don't care what she didn't say.
She should take it back.
Yeah. That's fine.
She'll get over it.
I mean, she just has a lot
going on, kind of thing.
Anyway, I'm pretty tired.
Yeah.
I'll probably take it easy tonight.
[SNIFFLES]
Ugh.
Oh, no.
No.
No, no.
Shit!
Shit.
Asta's money. No!
Shit! Shit!
As humans, we are good at knowing
who we were and who we think we are,
but not so good at knowing
who we really are.
[GLASS CLINKS] Damn it.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
Me, I know that I was an alien,
and now I am a human,
and that I have a son who is both,
and that inside, so am I.
There we go.
♪
Hey. You're here early.
Yes, I'm done fishing with Bridget.
And I want some pie,
or anything that
doesn't smell like fish.
Ok.
Does it make me a bad manager
if I hope no customers come in?
No.
That just means more pie for me.
I thought I could take care
of the diner no problem,
you know?
I wanted my dad to be proud of me.
But it's too much.
I'm a failure.
You are a failure.
- What?
- But you're also a success.
You need to find the part
of you that is a success
and then love it.
And then that will be
the part that you are.
That actually makes sense.
There's really a lot about you to love.
You have silky, very nice hair.
And you are also very kind.
You're not gonna propose
to me again, are you?
Sorry, Asta.
You're in the friend zone.
If you had wanted more,
you should have snuck up
in my back door
and grabbed a hold of my cupcake.
No, God. I'm good.
Here's to being friends.
Human friends.
[FORK CLATTERS]
[SINISTER MUSIC]
Harry?
♪
Harry?
sync & corrections awaqeded
Previously on "Resident Alien"
There is a deadly Mantid
running around.
I called in Agent Jules Gardner
to assist us in the investigation.
This has serial killer
written all over it.
I'm sure we'll catch
whoever it is in no time.
- [SCREECHES]
- [BODY THUDS]
I killed a Mantid. Ate his guts.
- I will take two boxes.
- And this is yours, too.
We don't even need that
implant to watch you.
We're watching you anyway.
We're everywhere.
The Greys show up looking
for her, we'll see them.
I set up indoor cameras.
I don't know where she is.
I want you to meet your kids.
Heather, I'm actually a human.
What?
You deserve to have what we had before.
I can no longer give you that.
[BLUE NORTHERN'S "CAN'T STOP"]
♪
Running has existed in the
universe for billions of years
as a necessary part
of a creature's survival.
Modern humans do this too,
but they call it jogging.
Well, I can't stop my
feelings from running away ♪
I can't stop ♪
If a human from a million years ago
saw us running for fun,
he would laugh and laugh
until the sound brought
a woolly mammoth to eat him.
I just can't stop ♪
[CARS HONKING]
You're in the middle of the road!
[BROWN BIRD'S "BILGEWATER"]
[LAID-BACK ACOUSTIC STRUMMING]
♪
if your sweetheart ♪
sends a letter ♪
of goodbye ♪
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Because humans have
diminished mental capacity
and bad eyesight, we must hang
giant reminders for ourselves.
How else will I remember
where the incredibly
huge body of water is?
if you cry ♪
And if you can show your life is better
than everyone else's, you win humaning.
When waking ♪
#myofficetoday.
#lakelife.
#lake.
#life.
#blessed.
[PHONE CHIMES]
Footguy1172 has already liked it.
Oh.
I am doing everything humans do.
So why am I feeling empty inside?
Do all humans feel this way
when they are alone?
I made up a word for it
Alone-liness.
I think most humans are alone-ly.
That is why so many people
believe in aliens.
It is comforting for them
to know they are not alone.
Which is exactly why Peter Bach created
the Alien Tracker Podcast.
As you know,
Peter passed away last year,
but I am proud to continue his legacy.
I am Liv Baker.
And welcome again to my
podcast, "Alien Cracker,"
where I will discuss aliens,
as well as the best
cheese and cracker pairings.
[MUNCHING]
Mmm.
Today, I am trying a delicious
Rosemary wheat cracker
with a Vermont goat cheese
as I discuss the search
for Peter Bach's son, Robert.
But first, a word from our sponsor.
[CLEARS THROAT] Hey, alien lovers.
Maybe the moon isn't made of cheese.
But our Vermont select
holiday platter is.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
- Cracker?
- Oh. No, thank you.
I don't eat appetizers in closets.
That's stretch-out food.
What are you doing?
I'm just recording my podcast,
trying to find the
alien tracker's son, Robert.
I'll pack my stuff up and go.
No, no, no, no, no.
You stay.
I'm headed over to the 59.
I think it's good you're
getting the word out.
I mean, all this
This alien stuff,
it's all connected somehow.
So maybe, if we find Robert,
we can find Joseph.
Yeah. Good work, Deputy.
It's so good to hear you say that,
to know I finally have
a partner in this.
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy! Easy, Deputy.
Haven't you read the hr pamphlet?
We can't be hugging in no closets.
Big no-no. Big-ass no-no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
[BLUESY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
Let love come to you ♪
let love come to you ♪
I don't need to go ♪
let love come to you ♪
let love come to you ♪
let love come to you ♪
let love come to you ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
We'll be right back. Thank you.
Humans are just like animals.
Both are drawn to communal areas.
This is why bars are
called watering holes.
Bars are also called church
so that Irish men
do not have to lie to their wives.
Well, look who it is. The good doctor.
You are alone-ly, too.
I will sit with you, and we can hide
from the cold,
desperate pain of alone-liness.
Man, if you're trying to say lonely,
I'm the opposite of that.
I have the aching needs
of an entire community on me.
If it wasn't for my ethical standards,
I'd never pay for another
drink in my life.
Pro tip you can also get
that by wearing a miniskirt.
I see you discovered social media.
I followed you. You're welcome.
#beer.
#turn on all the sports games.
Unfollow.
Hey, you still
having kickoff karaoke here
before the mining days festival?
Why, are you thinking about
bribing a judge or something?
[LAUGHS] That's ridiculous.
[LAUGHS]
The category is '80s power ballads.
'80s power ballads.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Doc, check it out.
Looks like that nice lady over
there has got eyes for you.
I already have eyes.
Go talk to her.
Tell her you're a doctor.
Women love that.
Perhaps this is the answer
to my alone-liness.
I will do what humans do
Find a partner who will spend
their life trying to fix me.
Hello.
I'm Harry. I'm the town doctor.
I know a lot of doctor things.
Really? I'm Lydia.
I work in the bookstore.
And I know a lot of book things.
And I know a handsome man
when I see one.
Handsome? Me?
Oh, I don't know. I used to think so.
But lately, I don't know
about this nose and this
This neck skin.
[LAUGHS]
Mm.
So, doctor, hmm?
- Do you enjoy it?
- Not very much.
But you would if we were a couple.
Oh. And why is that?
Because doctors are good at sex,
because doctors have
seen lots of vaginas.
What?
Doctors have seen so many vaginas.
I swear, you cannot swing a stethoscope
- in my office without seeing
- I heard you.
a vagina.
This morning, a woman came in.
Bam! Vagina.
[LAUGHS] Ok, man.
I'm just leaving with my friend here.
My friend's drunk on stupid.
[ZIPPER WHIRS]
Wait, wait.
So what the hell are you doing,
talking about vaginas?
I am just looking for a mate
so that I'm no longer lonely
Alone-ly loney.
I'm I'm alone.
Well, this ain't how
you do it, all right?
If you want something real,
you're better off
building a foundation
You know, taking your time,
like I did with Lena.
But don't take too much time,
'cause then you get friend zoned.
What is friend zoned?
[LAUGHS] Oh, what is friend zoned?
It's like you're outside
a cupcake shop, right?
And the line is real long,
but you wait,
'cause those cupcakes are great.
And you finally get in,
but now the cupcake's
sleeping with somebody who
slipped in the back door.
- Ho-ho!
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
I'm going to go
tell Lydia that I'd like
- to slip in her back door.
- No, no!
No, no, no.
Forget Lydia, please,
before she calls the cops.
I don't want to have to arrest you.
I still got half a beer left.
Lord have mercy.
[DOOR CLICKS]
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
moving on, so long, my darling ♪
there's no hurry ♪
Oh. Oh.
Hey. Did I miss my dad playing?
Just the first set.
But you somehow still manage
to look so beautiful.
Ok, I told you,
we are not getting a dog.
Oh, that's right. Sorry.
I already submitted an application
for that place in Jessup, so
- No.
- Yeah.
- D'Arcy.
- Oops.
Hey, you guys were great.
I was here behind, uh, someone tall.
Just in time.
Maybe you can talk some
sense into your father.
Ok. Um, what?
You swearing off pie now, too?
Just cake and cookies, never pie.
See? You and Harry are more
alike than you think.
What did Sampson mean?
He submitted our stuff
to some music festival,
and we got in.
Now he thinks I can just pick
up and hit the road with him
for a week like we're 19.
- Dad, that's great.
- Really?
Because I'm not 19. I'm 119.
- And I have a job.
- Are you sure?
You should go.
Plus, I could watch the diner.
- You already have a job.
- Yeah.
And the clinic is
just a stone's throw away
from the diner, which I literally know
from that time that D'Arcy got drunk,
and she bet some guy in front
of the diner that she could
hit the clinic with a rock.
I appreciate it, but no thanks.
- Come on.
- My fans are waiting.
I gotta get ready for the next set.
Ok.
'Cause I'm waiting ♪
I can't believe my dad.
He doesn't trust me to watch
the diner for a week.
I mean, it's right down
the street from the clinic.
A stone's throw away.
That's what I said.
Sometimes I think he still just sees me
as this little girl that
used to sit at the counter
with crayons instead of a capable adult
who has a job and lives on her own.
- Well, you live with me.
- Not if you get a dog.
Asta! Asta.
Asta!
Whoa!
Asta, will you marry me?
What?
Dog not looking so bad now, is it?
Wow.
Two alien proposals in one month.
I can't get a normal date, but suddenly
I'm the belle of the alien ball.
I'm not an alien anymore.
I'm just a human man trying
to backdoor a human woman.
What?
No, look, never mind.
Thank you for these flowers.
But why did you propose to me?
Because I don't want to be alone.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
Oh.
♪
Harry.
When I was with Heather and
my bird babies, I felt so full.
I felt whole.
They're gone.
But
I still want a family.
Well, you have family.
You have Bridget.
I know how much he means to you.
- I do like my Bridget.
- Yeah.
In the mornings, he is so cute.
Sometimes, I just want
to punch him in the throat!
- [LAUGHS]
- Hmm?
That's how my father showed affection.
Oh, ok.
Well, maybe you should
spend more time with him.
And take these flowers back
to the fake flower store.
- Hmm?
- Oh.
They're not from a store.
I got them from a grave.
Asta is right.
The connection I have with Bridget
is as strong as any
I could get with a mate.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
♪
When I was an alien,
I thought being a father
was just freezing your child
in the ice wind desert
and kicking him in the face.
But now it feels like
there is so much more.
- Ready for this?
- Ready for what?
Watch this. Watch this.
- Wham!
- Aww.
Give up!
Hello?
You gotta be kidding me.
I can't believe you won again.
- You want to try again?
- Ridiculous.
- Hello?
- You just got got.
[BRIDGET COOS]
This could be good.
What better way to bond with my child
than meeting his friends?
This will be fun.
Who's the dork?
Ah, Bridget's Dad.
I'm sure it will still be a little fun.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
Did you know Liv had a podcast?
Yeah.
I think, uh, it's about
her alien tracker friend.
She does it in
the supply closet at work.
I'm actually in the background
of an episode
- looking for staples.
- Listen to this.
Are aliens harvesting souls?
We don't know, but at Smith Farm Stand,
we harvest the freshest vegetables.
Not that.
Although the alien tracker
is no longer with us,
the search for his son,
Robert, continues.
Apparently, he was abducted
from his mother's womb
before he was born.
Sound familiar?
Hmm.
I think it's time we talk to Liv.
Wait, are are you sure?
I thought you were worried
about Mike getting in the way.
Oh, Mike can't know. Just Liv.
She says that she has information
she can't share with the public.
Maybe it's something that
can help us get our baby.
You know, with those little
freak alien girls watching us,
it's just getting more dangerous.
Mm.
Are those cookies from the alien girl?
♪
Well, they're still cookies.
♪
And I said, nice try.
My mom would never do that.
[LAUGHTER]
I know a couple of Decathroids
- who would say different.
- [LAUGHS]
I'll Decathroid your hidden
third eye if you don't shut up.
All right. Chill.
Look, the point is, the ship exploded,
and I won 40 million sonira.
Boom!
That's like six American dollars.
[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]
- What?
- [GRUMBLES]
Do not roll your eyes at me.
[GRUMBLES]
Let's just change the subject, ok?
Let's talk about, um, sport.
Homo sapiens sports are boring.
No one ever gets killed.
If you're playing with a ball,
and it's not even on fire,
why should I care?
Because that's what
polite conversation is.
You pretend to be interested
in what someone is saying.
Mm. Mm.
Mm. Yeah, even if they're boring.
Mm, mm, mm.
Like you right now. [LAUGHTER]
Oh, that is so funny.
You are supposed to eat the outside
of the olive, not the pit!
And your shirt is not a napkin.
Dude, it's a poker game,
not a tea party.
Actually, it stopped being a poker game
when I realized you were
all reading my mind.
That's cheating!
It's not our fault you're a human now.
[LAUGHTER]
Stop speaking telepathically!
You know, you are very rude guests.
Relax. Stop being such a ho-sape.
How dare you.
That is our word, ok?
You're not allowed to use that word.
That's it. This game is over.
Everybody out!
Ok, dad.
Let's go back to my place.
I just got a fish tank.
Great. We're taking the table with us.
- See you later, hume.
- Oh, no!
See, that's also problematic!
Mm-hmm.
- [BABBLING]
- I do not care!
You do not need friends like that.
You have me. I'm your father.
I am all you need.
[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]
Wait. You do not run away from me!
Do not slam that door, young man
[DOOR SLAMS] Son of a bitch!
Cosmic ♪
up by the sun ♪
Good morning.
Moon's gonna shine on me ♪
Why are you here?
Someone has to watch
the diner while you
go play the music festival.
Asta, we talked about this.
- You have a job.
- Yes.
And I can do both.
I can open the diner,
and then I can go
check in at the clinic,
and then I can come back to the diner.
It's great exercise.
- Asta
- Talking is over, ok?
You're going.
'Cause soon, you'll be an elder.
Whoa. Stop throwing that word around.
I'm not an elder yet.
Well, soon, you will be one.
And you'll be too busy
with opening prayers
and land acknowledgments.
There'll be no time
for hitting the road, old man.
Right now, you look like a rock star.
Go be one.
I already told the band I'm not going.
Well, I told them you are going, hm?
And I can take care
of the diner while you're gone.
I've worked here
my whole life, on and off.
- I know how things operate.
- When are the food deliveries?
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Driver's name is Hal.
I even have his number,
just in case there's a problem.
Server and cook shift sheet
are in the office.
Money bank drops are nightly.
And the payroll is Friday.
Not bad.
Have fun.
[CHUCKLES]
This is empty.
It's symbolic. You still have to pack.
Rock stars don't do their own packing.
[LAUGHS]
It's gone to your head already.
[LAUGHS]
And I hate wearing this dumb skin suit.
You complain too much, Bridget.
You wear your human suit all the time.
You just wore it yesterday.
Only because I had to go
to the store to refill my vape.
I told you, that is harmful.
This is stupid!
It is not stupid for a father to want
to spend time with his son.
The weather is horrible. It's windy.
- Agh!
- You're freezing.
The waves are making me sick.
I am not freezing. I'm warm.
And sick is good.
You just throw up over the side.
It'll chum the waters.
[CHUCKLES]
[DOGS BARKING]
How can I help you today?
Hey.
I put in an application
to adopt a dog from your site.
Ruby.
I hadn't heard back, so I thought
I'd just come in and pick her up.
The name's D'Arcy Bloom.
Well, let me see.
It probably just got lost.
We get backlogged here, so
I'm sorry.
Your application was rejected.
What?
We got some bad feedback
from your references.
You must be kidding.
We're just really strict
about where we place our dogs.
It doesn't take much for the computer
to flag something,
even something small,
like arrested for public drunkenness
and defacing a campus statue.
[SCOFFS] That was just
crazy college fun.
It was two months ago.
I didn't say I was in college.
We need to make sure
we're moving our dogs
into a better home.
Better than a dog shelter?
Yes.
So what you're saying is
that my life isn't
good enough for a dog?
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry about what?
My life or the dog?
- I guess both?
- Ah.
Wow. This is bullshit.
This whole place is bullshit!
And you know it!
I know.
What kind of hoops
do I have to jump through?
You want me to do some tricks?
- No.
- This is bullshit!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Pretty girl ♪
she should have ♪
Oh, hi, Susan. Are you ready to order?
Looks like you're in the wrong place.
I am just covering for my dad
while he's out of town.
Oh, hey.
Are you staying on top
of your medications?
Cholesterol and Diabetes.
- Every day.
- Good.
Ok. What can I get for you?
Double cheeseburger with
fries and a chocolate shake.
Um, did you ever think that
if you didn't eat like that,
you wouldn't have to be
on those meds? [CHUCKLES]
Do you ever think I went on those meds
so I can eat like that?
What do you say to a nice salad,
a skinless chicken breast,
and an unsweetened iced tea?
I say, when does Dan get back?
Oh, hey, Jay.
Sorry, you're not
on the schedule today.
Yeah, Dan called.
He asked me to come in and help out.
Oh. Well, I'm fine.
I don't need any help.
So you can go.
He said you'd say that,
and for me not to go.
Great.
If he doesn't trust me,
why doesn't he just come back?
Maybe he should.
One more word out of you, Susan,
I'm gonna bring you a bowl
of kale and a glass of water.
Don't you have a wedding to plan?
Does everyone know?
Ugh!
So that's it?
You're shutting down
the whole investigation?
It's been a while since
there's been a murder.
Seems the killer's
moved out of our area.
So the FBI's reassigned the case
to the Seattle field office.
What if the Mantid didn't move on?
The what? What's a Mantid?
What's a Mantid? You didn't tell her?
- No, didn't mention that.
- And you don't need to either.
Ok.
Mum's the word.
I think the killer's
a giant alien Mantid
that lives up in the hills.
And I think the only reason
that these murders haven't been
happening recently is because
it's been feeding on deer
to throw us off the track.
Now, I saw it with
my own eyes, both of them.
And I think that that thing
is still up there,
and it's just waiting.
We'll take that under consideration.
No, you won't.
- No.
- See?
It's almost like I knew
what you was gonna say,
because I'm psychic.
I think I think I think we've
Yes.
we've got to a natural stopping
- Yes.
- Point.
So
Debra said you wanted to see me?
Yes. Yes.
Um, Kate and I wanted to ask
you over for dinner tonight.
Really? Fun.
John was just complaining
we don't go out enough.
Yeah.
This isn't really a plus-one situation.
Oh.
But aren't both you and Kate
gonna be there?
Uh-huh. Yep. Yep.
But we both live there,
so it's not really a plus one.
A plus one for us would be if
we each brought our own dates.
You know? How awkward would that be?
Pretty awkward.
It's kind of weird that
you would even suggest it.
- I didn't.
- All is forgiven.
Yeah, we'll we'll laugh
about it over dinner.
Oh, I'm already laughing.
- Super hard.
- I'm laughing harder.
They're dropping the
serial killer investigation.
Your cheerleader friend thinks
the killer done moved on.
And she didn't buy
into my Mantid theory.
Could've used some backup in there.
What was you doing talking to Ben?
He just invited me over for dinner.
I think he and Kate want
to talk about something.
And I think it might be about aliens.
Really? That's great.
Maybe we can finally start
getting some answers.
Well, what time do they
want us to be there?
Oh, they just want me to come.
What did Ben say when you
demanded that I join you,
and when you told him that you're only
half a human being without me?
I didn't say that.
Uh-huh.
I feel like this has
something to do with me
not giving you a closet hug.
If you want fish so bad,
pointing a stick at them is,
like, the dumbest
possible way to do it.
That's not the point.
As humans, fishing is
not about catching fish.
It's about talking about how
we are not catching fish.
Oh, darn it.
It looks like the fish,
they're just not biting.
Those sons sons of bitches!
The truth is, I need my little
baby Bridget to stay human
because I do not know
how to bond with him
when he is in his alien form.
No! Oh, no. Don't you do it.
No. Hey, hey!
Do not put that in your mouth.
Throw it back.
That's not what we're doing.
No! You put it back.
No, don't! Not like that!
What is your problem?
I'm trying to bond.
Is it wrong for a human father
who used to be an alien to want
his half-human, half-alien son
to be human, too?
What?
I'm not an alien anymore.
I need you to be human.
That's not who I am.
I'm both.
And if you don't like it,
go find yourself a little
human boy to spend time with.
No, Bridget, that's
I don't don't do it!
No, no! Bridget!
Bridget!
Such a good swimmer.
That's a beautiful stroke.
Good news!
I'm adopting you.
What are you doing here?
And why are you in my bed?
Well, ever since I became a human,
I get cold really easily.
Like when I used to get cold,
and you'd call me
a weak little chihuahua boy?
Well, that was because
your hair was short,
and you were cute, which is why
I've decided to adopt you.
I want to give you a good family.
Why would I let you adopt me?
I don't even like you.
- That is a lie.
- You love me.
Remember when I used you as an ottoman?
[LAUGHS] Oh, that was fun.
For you. And it was different then.
I mean, sure, you were mean to me
and tried to kill me a few times.
At least you were an alien.
Now you're just an old guy,
a human, and not even a good one.
How am I not a good human?
Good humans don't sneak
into young boys' bedrooms,
get in their beds, and say,
let's be friends.
It's weird, and probably illegal.
Fine.
I will leave.
Maybe you're the one who is weird.
You ever think of that?
Gross.
What?
Well, I get really cold,
and then I get really hot.
[BLUESY ROCK MUSIC]
Being human sucks.
♪
mama's making house ♪
baby needs a toy ♪
Ok.
Sorry it took so long.
We are short staffed,
so I booted your ticket
to the back of the queue
because you're my friend,
and I knew you'd understand What?
Little cold.
What would you say if they were free?
Now they're warm and delicious.
Melissa called from the clinic.
They need you to come in
and set a broken leg.
Well, that's why
Ellen's covering for me.
She can do it.
- Um
- Huh?
Can you warm these up?
Ah! Uh
- Breathe.
- Why?
That would just keep me alive.
♪
That waitress looks just like Asta.
- Ok.
- Whoa.
Um, how did it go with the dog?
Um, pretty good.
[IN VAGUE EUROPEAN ACCENT]
My name is Bernice.
I am considered royalty.
I'm in the market for a dog,
one named Maybe it's like Ruby.
Dogs deserve to be spent money on.
And I have all the money.
I can afford everything for the dog,
like food, glasses of wine.
We wear our chains with
our initials on it.
Riding together like, we're riding.
Ruby deserves a wonderful home
made of gold.
You didn't get the dog, did you?
I sure didn't. No.
Don't freak out.
- The refrigerator's broken.
- Oh, God.
Ok, well, the refrigerator's
gonna have to wait,
because now I have
to go set a broken leg.
Ma'am? Excuse me.
I'm sorry, but you look
just like someone I know.
Like [IMITATES EXPLOSION]
[DOORBELL JINGLES]
Rude.
Thanks for the invite.
The last dinner I went to
was a murder mystery thing
a couple months ago.
[CHUCKLES] Let me guess.
You solved it right away and
ruined the night for everyone?
They knew I was a cop
when they invited me.
Well, this is just a casual dinner.
No mysteries to solve.
Just just three friends hanging out.
Exactly what I was hoping for.
Whew!
Oh, shit.
Oh, hey.
I didn't know if this
was a doorbell house
or a knock house.
So you didn't do either. Welcome.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, sorry I'm late, deputy.
I didn't know what y'all were serving,
so I stopped and grabbed a chicken.
We're actually serving chicken.
Oh, good!
I see you took my note
from the last time,
when, well, all you had was soup.
[LAUGHS] Oh, uh,
I brought a knife to cut the chicken.
Oh, we we also have knives.
Oh, well, I prefer to use
my own knife to cut my food,
being that most Americans
don't adhere to the proper
knife sharpening regimen.
Look at that. Oh-ho!
[LAUGHTER]
Is there a regimen?
Nobody wants jagged chicken, ok?
Whoo!
Smell like a bunch of yum
up in this bitch.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
It's not over till it's over ♪
don't stop now,
we're getting closer ♪
everybody knows ♪
that you can't close heaven's doors ♪
it's not over ♪
Yeah.
There's got to be an unlocked
window or something.
You know, it's bullshit
they made me do this.
You know, busting Ruby out
of here isn't even stealing.
It's a rescue mission.
Yeah, it is.
Ok, hold on, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
Go. Try.
What? How is it not 1234?
You thought that would work?
Everyone uses 1234 so you
don't have to memorize it.
What, does, like, Einstein
work here or something?
Oh, give me your credit card.
Yes, boss. Ok.
Here you go, chef.
- Got it.
- Oh.
Yeah, that's right.
All right, you want to
Shit.
- Sorry about that.
- It's ok.
- It's your card.
- What?
Why do you have my credit card?
I got it the other night
when we were at your place,
remember?
You said, help yourself to anything.
So I took your credit card
and your shower soap.
Well, I didn't mean
to steal my whole identity.
I can get it.
Ok, wait.
- I can't
- Oh, oh.
- I can't
- Ooh, here.
Let me try. Let me try.
Let me try. Let me try.
I've got little bird arms.
All right, watch this.
Ok. Get it, get it, get it.
- So close.
- Just a little bit.
- I'm stuck.
- You can't be stuck.
- I'm stuck.
- No. No.
Come on.
- Come on.
- [GRUNTS]
Ow.
Shh!
Ah!
Judy, the first rule of break-ins
is don't get your arm
stuck in the door.
It's not a break-in unless
you break something going in.
I'll get you out.
I got you, girl!
I got you!
[GLASS SHATTERS] [ALARM RINGING]
Now it's a break-in. Save yourself!
Run! Go!
I'll be ok.
Get a saw.
- Get a saw?
- Get some pliers.
It's your arm.
I can get in. You can get out.
Ok, you get in.
And then, once I'm in, you get
- Ok.
- You grab.
You grab. Pull it.
Ok. I'm
- Ow.
- Ow.
- Ow.
- Ow.
- Ow.
- Ow!
If there were a planet
with only one creature on it,
I imagine they would
feel much more alone.
But on earth,
there are billions of people.
How is it possible that
so many of them are lonely?
[DOOR CLICKS]
Bridget, is that you?
[RUSTLING]
Announce yourself!
[RUSTLING]
And if you want to be my
friend, the answer's yes!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Harry?
Peter?
You're not an alien.
You're not human.
I guess we've got a lot
of catching up to do.
Why did you come?
They wanted to talk.
Now they'll never tell me anything.
And if they do, it might
just be misinformation.
You know what?
I think you're thinking of
disinformation, because, see,
misinformation isn't intended to
I don't care.
Listen, do you think
I would come over here
and infiltrate this dinner
to extract information
with them without a plan, or
a chicken and a carving knife?
I would have thought that,
but I never will again.
- Unbelievable.
- I know.
Who invites themselves
to a dinner party?
Yeah, that too.
But this knife is incredible.
It's like slicing through yogurt.
Ah.
Hi, can you stop and look at me?
What do we do?
Do we just forget tonight
and talk to Liv another time?
No, no. You were right before.
Our baby is out there, and
we need information right now.
We we can't risk waiting.
Ok, you find some way to get
Mike out, and I'll talk to Liv.
Got it. Wait, and Kate.
Yeah?
Put knife sharpener
on my Christmas list.
[MELLOW MUSIC]
♪
- [CORK POPS]
- [GRUNTS]
Oh. You opened more wine?
Oh, yeah. I hope it's ok.
Not really a wine guy.
So I wasn't sure if this was
one of your special occasion,
pricey wines.
And yet you zeroed right in on it.
Well, you know,
I just think it's easier
for people to talk when they drink.
You know, back in do,
when we had a suspect,
on the way down to the jail,
we'd stop by a bar
and get 'em nice and
liquored up before we chat.
I'm not in uniform,
so I didn't hear that.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, go ahead.
Drink up.
Oh, uh, you know what
might be fun first?
If I show you my candle collection.
Oh. No, thank you.
I don't like candles.
- Honey.
- Huh?
Sorry. Uh,
what exactly doesn't work for you
about the tiny, magical controlled fire
that has been illuminating
the lives of human beings
for thousands of years?
Well, see, I just don't get the point.
I mean, light bulbs were invented
over a hundred years ago.
What's candles still
sticking around for?
Uh, romance?
Ambiance? Celebration?
- Rituals?
- Yeah.
- Health? Holiday smells?
- You know what?
That sounds like big candle
talking to me.
And you want to know the truth?
Candles mean death, right?
'Cause all I know is colonel mustard,
he didn't kill
professor plum in the study
with a light bulb stick.
Ok?
Well, on your birthday,
I hope you enjoy blowing out
your light bulbs.
Yeah, well, you know what? Wrong again.
I don't blow them out.
I pinch them out with
spit fingers like a man.
I wish someone would kill me
with a light bulb stick.
I'm right there with you.
So my son was in the moon?
Yes, then Vegas.
Oh. I think I prefer the moon.
I hope he didn't go
to those girlie shows.
I'm sorry I do not know
where he is now.
He was very kind
to Bridget and me in prison.
How is your boy?
He hates me.
[LAUGHS] I'm sure that's not true.
No, I tried to make him be
my friend, and he would not.
No one would.
In my experience,
people like being with people
who like being with themselves.
Why would I want to be with me?
A loser with no friends.
You were pretty comfortable
with yourself
when you were an alien.
I know how to be an alien.
But I'm not an alien anymore.
But I don't feel like a human.
I'm neither.
No.
You're both.
Look at me.
- I'm trying, but it's hard.
- I know.
I'm this robot.
But I feel like a human.
You are half of each.
No, not half of each.
100% of both.
That is bad math,
especially for a robot.
I am everything I was
and everything I am.
You are both human and alien now,
and that's a good thing.
[SOFT MUSIC]
I hope you're right.
Just remember,
the only person who will
always be with you is you.
And when that's enough,
you'll never be lonely.
Now, I have to go find my son.
Good luck with yours.
Thank you.
♪
We have to switch things up.
I'll take Liv.
You distract the candle hater.
I mean, I can't even
look at him right now.
Do you think you can get her to talk?
Just keep Mike busy.
You have my permission
to use your feminine wiles.
My feminine wiles?
Yeah, a little bit of the
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Va-va-voom.
Oh.
Sure, Ben.
See you in 1958.
I think we might need a new plan.
Yeah.
It's so weird that insulting
the man's life passion
didn't open them right up.
Deputy, candles aren't a passion.
They're a light source.
Talking about a passion for a candle.
Hello.
- What?
- Yeah, come here.
Look, look, look. Look at this.
It's a little teeny-tiny camera.
Damn.
All this time, we've been trying
to figure out their secret.
And now we know.
They're swingers.
What? No.
Deputy, can't you think
of any other reason
to have a hidden camera in your house?
Probably only 50.
I just don't see
Ben and Kate as swingers.
Maybe Kate?
Definitely Kate.
But Ben won't even take
his shirt off at the pool.
Deputy, it's never the ones you expect.
Trust me.
I done seen enough
depraved sexual behaviors
and appetites for a lifetime.
Was that when you were in Vice?
- No, Tampa.
- Oh.
Who's up for some
after-dinner cordials?
- Oh, actually, I'm
- Oh, whoops.
Oh.
- God, clumsy me.
- Oh, Ben.
Take Liv to the bathroom
and get that stain out before it sets!
Yeah, let's get that blouse off you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm not a swinger!
Um, what?
Don't play dumb.
We found your tiny hidden camera.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
- Ben?
- What? I didn't put it there.
- Neither did I.
- Then who did?
Oh, my God. Ben.
- What?
- The cookie girls.
What cookie girls?
- In our house?
- I know.
- What cookie girls?
- The aliens!
The ones who took our baby.
[RELAXED MUSIC]
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
Breaking and entering.
Well, really just breaking.
We didn't even get in. [CHUCKLES]
It didn't have to go down this way.
Saying my lifestyle isn't
stable enough for a dog.
You sure showed them, huh?
Yeah.
Well, now I have a court date.
Oh, will you go with me?
You need a ride, don't you?
My car got booted last week.
Oh, God. Of course it did.
- D'Arcy
- I know. I know.
Don't say anything. I know.
Ok. Good.
- [PHONE DINGS]
- Oh, great.
The refrigerator guy's running late.
I'd keep you company,
but I gotta close tonight.
Oh, wait, are you doing
the bank drop for the bar?
- Mm.
- Ok.
Can you do mine, too?
Yeah. Gimme, gimme.
- Thank you.
- See?
I'm a good person. I deserve a dog.
These times will guide me ♪
and I've got to love ♪
a little harder than I've ♪
ever before ♪
Teddy, can I get a whiskey soda?
Yep.
For my darkest hour? ♪
Well, at least they gave you
your credit card back,
so you can pay for these drinks.
Oh, and I'll give you
your sneakers back tomorrow.
Those are my sneakers?
Yeah.
But don't worry,
I'm not wearing any gross,
sweaty socks.
It's just my raw feet.
Cool.
This is all that shelter's fault.
I mean, you were just
trying to save a dog.
Right? That's what I said to Asta.
She wasn't buying it.
What'd she say?
Nothing.
She just has a way of saying
a lot without saying anything.
Well, I don't care what she didn't say.
She should take it back.
Yeah. That's fine.
She'll get over it.
I mean, she just has a lot
going on, kind of thing.
Anyway, I'm pretty tired.
Yeah.
I'll probably take it easy tonight.
[SNIFFLES]
Ugh.
Oh, no.
No.
No, no.
Shit!
Shit.
Asta's money. No!
Shit! Shit!
As humans, we are good at knowing
who we were and who we think we are,
but not so good at knowing
who we really are.
[GLASS CLINKS] Damn it.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
Me, I know that I was an alien,
and now I am a human,
and that I have a son who is both,
and that inside, so am I.
There we go.
♪
Hey. You're here early.
Yes, I'm done fishing with Bridget.
And I want some pie,
or anything that
doesn't smell like fish.
Ok.
Does it make me a bad manager
if I hope no customers come in?
No.
That just means more pie for me.
I thought I could take care
of the diner no problem,
you know?
I wanted my dad to be proud of me.
But it's too much.
I'm a failure.
You are a failure.
- What?
- But you're also a success.
You need to find the part
of you that is a success
and then love it.
And then that will be
the part that you are.
That actually makes sense.
There's really a lot about you to love.
You have silky, very nice hair.
And you are also very kind.
You're not gonna propose
to me again, are you?
Sorry, Asta.
You're in the friend zone.
If you had wanted more,
you should have snuck up
in my back door
and grabbed a hold of my cupcake.
No, God. I'm good.
Here's to being friends.
Human friends.
[FORK CLATTERS]
[SINISTER MUSIC]
Harry?
♪
Harry?
sync & corrections awaqeded