Ted Lasso (2020) s04e05 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
So, how's single life treating you?
Yeah, good. I'm really
into knitting now.
Uh, well, I will be once I've
bought all the stuff. [SIGHS]
- You?
- I
I love it. Yeah, I, uh
I walked around the park all
weekend with my headphones in.
Just read for hours.
I'm not sure listening to
historical sapphic fiction
on 1.5 is technically reading, but okay.
I'm consuming media, Margy.
Uh, are we really gonna do this again?
I
Oh, my God, is that Ted? [GASPS]
He's eating a hot dog all alone.
That is so flipping sad.
Hot dogs are strictly a social food.
Oh, he probably has to wear his
napkin tucked into his shirt like that
'cause he's got no one to tell him
he's spilled mustard on himself.
[MARGY] That is not just a napkin.
That is a cry for help.
- [SIGHS]
- It's heartbreaking, innit?
[MADY] Devastating.
- We have to take a photo.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.
[MADY] Yeah, this is
going in the team chat.
- [INHALES SHARPLY]
- [MARGY GROANS]
- [MADY SIGHS]
- [GASPS]
God.
I don't wanna die alone.
- Should we get back together?
- I was just thinking that.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES] Thank God.
[MARGY SIGHS, CHUCKLES]
I'm so glad you said yes.
- I love you.
- Love you.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
["UNSTOPPABLE" PLAYS]
It's my time.
[BOTH] It's my time.
It's my time.
It's my time.
It's my time.
It's my time.
[ALL] It's our time.
Wow, you made that.
It's so
- Important, yeah?
- So important.
- Definitely important.
- 'Cause it is important.
We're playing our first
match at Nelson Road.
I think this video will really help
drive awareness and ticket sales.
I mean, a women's team selling out
a Premier League stadium
in their first year.
- You understand how amazing this is?
- Oh, it's so amazing.
- And important.
- Yeah.
Anything else to discuss?
Y-Yes, I was gonna say that
- Sorry, one last thing
- Um, yep.
the £10 tickets, they
were definitely the way to go.
Oh, absolutely.
And Zelda very generously
bought another 2,000 tickets.
- Wow.
- I've just donated them
- to the local schools.
- Wonderful.
Sorry, Leslie.
Uh, yes, I was going to say that
- Oh, sorry, don't forget
- [CLEARS THROAT]
you are presenting a check to
your foundation at halftime, yeah?
Right, thank you, and I'll
have a speech prepared.
Perfect. Sorry, Leslie,
what were you saying?
Oh, that's okay.
- Uh, yeah, as I was saying
- Oh, God. Sorry, Leslie.
- Hmm?
- [REBECCA] I've just remembered.
I need two tickets because
Matthijs and Jelka will be in town.
Fantastic. Are you sure
he doesn't want to pay?
They're only £10.
- I think I'll cover that for him.
- [ALL CHUCKLE]
- This is really happening, guys.
- [SQUEALS]
- I'm very excited.
- I'm gonna go call Barbara.
I will keep you posted
if anything changes.
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
Leslie, I am so sorry. What
did you want to discuss?
Yeah, um, are we, uh
No, um [STAMMERS]
The man, uh, no
Uh, if-if we
It's completely gone.
So it can't have been that important.
Hmm, no.
[TED] S-H-A-N-N-O-N.
Okay.
Yeah. There we go.
Our provisional squad for this Saturday.
Going against Chelsea ain't gonna
be no easy breezy walk in the park.
It's actually gonna be an exhausting
90-minute run around the pitch.
- But we got to give it a shot, yeah?
- We can't beat Chelsea.
- We're not good enough.
- Come on, Coach.
- How about a little positivity?
- Oh, yeah. No, sorry, you're right.
- Um, they're too good.
- Thank you.
What would you want to
do differently, Coach?
Well, for a start, I'd take Shannon off
there and leave her
on the practice squad.
- She's not ready.
- Fair point.
Hey, you know what, that reminds me.
Henry told me this,
"The more you take, the more
you leave behind." What am I?
- What're you doing?
- Say it again.
"The more you take, the more
you leave behind." What am I?
- Please stop.
- [TED] I'm not gonna stop,
but I will pause.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
All right, big game this weekend.
- Gaffer.
- Yep.
Can we ask you a couple of questions?
Oh, like one of them online quizzes?
'Cause if so, I consistently come up
as Princess Jasmine for some reason.
Ted, are you married?
- I'm sorry, what?
- Do you always eat alone?
- Are you seeing someone?
- [STAMMERS] Um
Are you lonely or just homesick or both?
- [NIAMH] It's nothing to feel bad about.
- [BOOTS] It's all right if you are.
What is going on right now?
- Uh, we saw you.
- [TED] Hmm?
- [MADY] Yeah.
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- [TED] Oh.
- Do you always wear those trousers?
- Never any jeans?
- I
You're like Bart Simpson,
always wearing the same shorts.
Yeah, but at least I don't
eat mine, right? [CHUCKLES]
Do you think Bart eats his own shorts?
Good point. I guess he famously
encourages other people
to eat his shorts.
- You know? Okay?
- Yeah, he does.
Hey. Look, the real question is
what we gotta do this
weekend to beat Chelsea?
Yeah? And the answer is
out on that practice pitch.
- So let's go!
- [CHEERING, CHATTERING]
Okay? Okay, here we go,
here we go. All right, yeah.
Huh, that was interesting.
- Dumps.
- I'm sorry?
"The more you take, the more you
leave behind." My answer is dumps.
I'll allow it, but I was
actually looking for footsteps.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- That was a joke.
I mean, it was more of
a riddle, but I can see
how Coach's scatological
take might provide some levity
if you like potty humor.
- Which I do do.
- No, not that. That. That.
Whatever that was in there. Them
asking you about your dating life.
I mean, what?
Number one, it's inappropriate,
and number two, who cares?
[CHUCKLES] Number two.
Well, I mean, it did catch me off guard
a little bit, but I don't mind it.
You're probably sensitive to it 'cause
it happens to you all the time, yeah?
Uh, no, they have
never asked me anything,
which I am glad about. [CHUCKLES]
Because, actually, what
they should be doing is,
they should be asking themselves why
they can't get their shit together
before the biggest fucking
game of their careers.
That's what they should
be asking themselves,
if they're gonna ask
themselves anything.
If you ask me.
Which you're not.
[GRUNTS] Because no
one asks me anything.
And that's fine. [SCOFFS]
It's fine.
No, it's fine. I don't even
I don't even care. It
doesn't even matter. [SCOFFS]
[GRUNTS, CLEARS THROAT]
It is fine.
[TED GROANS]
[BOTH GROANING]
Oi.
Did you say oi or Roy?
Why does that matter?
Seems like you respond to either.
Yeah. Well, I guess I do.
Yeah.
Sorry I can't be here on Saturday.
I've got to be up in Newcastle
with the meaningless secondary
fuck-all who-gives-a-shit men's team.
[CHUCKLES]
- It's okay.
- But you will be in my thoughts.
Me or the team?
What does that matter? Seems
like you respond to either one.
Oi, Roy.
Just out of curiosity,
what date are you at?
Nine.
Interesting.
Fuck.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
[CLEARS THROAT]
- Hi. [CHUCKLES]
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hey, Rebecca.
Do you have any of those
crisps you had last time I came?
Of course I do. I've
got them in especially.
- Thank you.
- With the other treats next to the
[SPEAKS DUTCH]
Stay wild, young woman!
Don't let them tame you!
[CHUCKLES]
Hmm. Do you think I'll
ever get over this uniform?
Is that why you became a pilot?
No, I became a pilot for the plane food.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I missed you.
- And I've missed you.
- [MOANS]
[MOANS]
I actually wanted to
talk to you about that.
Yes?
I got a job working for Virgin Atlantic.
- Huh?
- I'm moving to London.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
Uh Wow. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, what about Jelka?
They wouldn't hire her.
- She's only ten.
- [CHUCKLES]
No. I told her mom about the job
and she applied for a position
at her company's London branch.
So I can be with Jelka and you.
- That's amazing. God.
- [CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, Coach.
Does Alice seem a little more,
spring-loaded than
usual to you this week?
Well, I think playing at
Nelson Road will do that to you.
- Mm-hmm. It must be contagious then, huh?
- How's that?
Well, I'm pretty sure
that must be why the, uh,
team was grilling me about
eating a hot dog. Yeah?
No. I think they just want
to know more about you.
Hmm.
Oi, Beard.
Saw Jane's one-woman show last night.
All three of us did. [INHALES
SHARPLY] Bloody hell
- What a performance.
- Yeah.
I haven't cried like that
since my dad left me and my mum
and then came back again. Fucking prick.
I only stopped crying about it as
we started walking over here to you.
Yeah, I hear it's a great show.
What, haven't you seen it?
Uh, I didn't know you fellas
were such big fans of the theater.
No, we're not.
- Theater's shite.
- [TED] Mmm.
Yeah, if I wanna hear someone shout and
scream for two hours, go round my mum's.
Fucking prick.
We're just big fans of Beard.
Even after seeing the show.
I gotta go see that show.
- You sure that's a good idea, Coach?
- No.
- You want to come with me?
- [CHUCKLES]
Whose car are we gonna take?
- We don't drive.
- No, it's from The Town.
- What town?
- The movie.
What movie?
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING, CHUCKLING]
[TED] I'm just glad they're not
button fly because that can be
tough to manipulate
when your hands are cold.
- What is happening?
- [TED CHUCKLES]
Uh, the gals all
chipped in and bought me
a brand new pair of
blue jeans. [CHUCKLES]
They even got my size right.
My first job was at Levi's,
so I can guess anyone's
size from a hundred meters.
[TED] Ooh, that's a good party trick.
- Except for our cousin Finley, now.
- 'Cause he's a liar.
- I know a 30 by 30 when I see one.
- [CHILTON] Yeah, okay, well
This many people in here is
actually a fire hazard, so, um,
you know We could all die
[SNICKERS]
if there was a fire.
Uh, yeah, you know, Coach
has got a real good point.
So, uh, we'll see you
all out on the pitch, huh?
And thank you for these.
I really appreciate it.
We still have the receipt if you
want to get a darker wash or anything.
No, it goes with his
skin tone. It's fine.
[TED] Yeah, how about that?
Pretty darn thoughtful.
I haven't seen you wear jeans since we
went to that Cake concert at Bottleneck.
[TED] Oh, that's right.
I remember we both bought
vibraslaps after seeing that show.
What you gotta do now is
you gotta get a jean jacket.
[TED] W-What do they call
that? A Canadian tuxedo?
[COACH BEARD] Yeah, except in Canada,
where they just call it a tuxedo.
[TED] Man, we're gonna be nipping at
Chelsea's heels like a little puppy dog.
[COACH BEARD] Little puppy underdog.
- [TED BARKS]
- [PLAYERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Shannon!
You had Gemma on your left,
or if you'd have gone right,
you would have had a shot.
Instead, you did nothing.
All right, stop playing like you
know you don't belong on this team.
Oi, Alice, back the fuck off.
- What did you say?
- Gem, just leave it.
- Leave it.
- No, you heard me.
Leave her alone.
Here, Shannon, I'll
make a decision for you.
Go run five laps.
No, you don't have to do that.
- Do you want to join her?
- Ooh, you're a hard man, aren't you?
Both of you, ten laps.
No, fuck that.
- Everyone, 15 laps.
- [PLAYERS GROAN]
Off you go.
Bitch.
Gem, Gem, come on.
[PLAYERS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Hey, Coach, you know how to barbecue?
- No.
- [SCOFFS] It's great.
Yeah, I don't mean just
tossing a burger on a grill.
I mean real barbecue, you know?
Low and slow, lots of smoke.
Kind of cooking that makes your
neighbor poke his head over the fence.
[CHUCKLES]
See, when I first started
learning, I was always in a rush.
Just lifting that lid, poking the meat,
jacking that heat all the way up
because I was impatient and hungry.
Well, you know what happens?
The meat gets all tough.
I'd end up cooking all the
tenderness right out of it.
I kind of find that
people are the same way.
You know, you poke them and
prod them every five minutes,
they can get a little chewy.
But if you trust the process, keep
the temperature nice and steady,
add a little spice when necessary
and a little sauce to keep it sweet.
Well, you got a good shot of ending up
with something you're gonna be proud of.
I'll bear that in mind.
Yeah.
[SIGHS]
Boy, I just got real hungry.
[TED WHISTLING]
- Someone's in a good mood.
- Not really.
No, I just had that song
stuck in my head all day.
I'm a little concerned it's the
precursor to a full psychotic breakdown,
but maybe it's just a catchy tune.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank God. [SIGHS]
- Oh, these might help.
- Uh-oh, someone's stressed out.
Come on, start sharing, Cheech Marin.
[SIGHS] Ted, Matthijs
is moving to London.
Hey, well, I'll be Amster-darned.
- That's great.
- Yeah, it's, uh
it's great.
Hmm, I'm catching some real opposite day
vibes from that response right there.
- No, no. It is great.
- Great.
- Right?
- I think so.
- [SIGHS] I don't know.
- Me neither.
I mean, this long distance thing
has been great for us for so long.
I have been microdosing
our relationship.
Now, I'm just gonna
be going the full trip.
Like puking in a bucket in Peru like
[IMITATES RETCHING]
- Ya know?
- Yeah
I never would have pegged you as
someone to, uh, use a drug metaphor.
- Ted, I'm dating a man from Amsterdam.
- That's a fair point.
But I don't get it. I mean,
what's wrong, Tommy Chong?
[INHALES SHARPLY] I don't know.
What if he starts hating me?
What if I start fucking hating him?
You know, what if
this all goes for shit?
[SIGHS]
I just don't think I can
go through that again.
Hmm.
I hear that. [CHUCKLES]
But I do think a lot of your concerns
are rooted in the past, you know.
And there's a reason that the rearview
mirror is smaller than the windshield.
[SIGHS] This helps.
Well, yeah.
I mean, who needs drugs
when you got friendship?
- Butter. Yeah.
- Yeah, butter. Yeah.
That's right.
Hey.
Ah. Hi.
Good luck with the match on Saturday.
Thanks. You too.
Maybe you could try and go on
date ten when you're up there.
'Cause then, when you're back,
you'll be done with all of that.
Then who knows?
I went on date ten last night.
Oh, did you now?
I've been wanting to tell you the, uh,
last couple of dates
been with the same woman.
Oh, yeah?
Well, the last few.
How few?
Dates six to ten.
Wow, that's great.
Right.
Shit, forgot my keys. [CHUCKLES]
I, uh
Silly me.
Slay the match this weekend.
[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[TED GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
I don't like how new jeans tell you
how to sit versus the other way around.
- Shh!
- [WHISPERING] Sorry about that.
- [PROJECTOR WHIRRING]
- [SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]
- [GAVEL BANGS]
- Order. Order in court.
Jane Payne.
You stand trial for
pretending to be pregnant
in order to manipulate your
partner, Beard, into marrying you.
- [TED] Hmm?
- How do you plead?
Not not guilty, bitch.
[CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT] One more time.
[SPEAKING DUTCH]
[REBECCA, JELKA GIGGLE]
- Hi.
Okay, I'll be back late.
You two, be good, please.
Mmm. [KISSES]
Oh, and remember, no
sugars before bedtime.
Gives you nightmares.
Same goes for you, Jelka.
[JELKA CHUCKLES]
Aye, aye, Captain.
- [JELKA SNICKERING]
- [REBECCA CHUCKLES]
[DOOR CLOSES]
- Who's ready for some nightmares?
- Me!
Me too! [CHUCKLES]
- [JANE, AS COACH BEARD] Jane?
- Yes?
I'm your lover, your only friend,
mother and father, your
accountant and your master.
Oh, Beard.
You're everything. I'll
do anything for you.
Anything.
[GASPS]
Hey, y'all, I'm gonna take Coach Beard
to Kansas City to eat some barbecue.
Hey, that sounds like me.
But before I go, Jane,
I wanna fuck you.
- That don't.
- [PATRON] Shh!
Sorry.
They all wanted to fuck me.
Was the baby real?
- [JANE GASPS]
- [AUDIENCE GASPS]
To my husband, to my family, to
God and his rivals, it was not.
For I had fooled them all.
But to me, the lie was the
only thing that was real.
[BABY CRYING]
[TED] All right, we should
probably get outta here.
I have to go see her.
- No 'Kay. [CHUCKLES]
- [COACH BEARD] Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse Me.
- Sorry about earlier. Excuse me.
- [REBECCA] Oh, big strawberry.
- Oh, brain freeze.
- [GRUNTS]
Quick, put your tongue
to the roof of your mouth.
Wow, you're like a doctor.
[CHUCKLES] Actually, let me just check.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, yes, and I diagnose that you
definitely need another 200
milligrams of strawberry ice cream.
[CHUCKLES] Swapsies.
[CHUCKLES]
So, uh
How are you feeling
about this move to London?
Mmm, I feel happy, I think.
Yeah, happy for my mum's big job.
Oh, that's good.
But you know your mum's moving
to London for your dad's big job.
Uh, no, that's wrong.
Dad and me are moving to London for Mom.
Right. Good. That's good.
Good.
I think we're gonna
need some more ice cream.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Come in.
Hello, Jane.
Hello, what's his name.
[SCOFFS]
- You know goddamn well what my name is.
- [CHUCKLES] You're right.
And I also knew you'd come see
the show, because the part of you
that's still in love with me
actually hates me, and you love that.
You have to stop doing this show.
Convince me.
[GRUNTING, MOANING]
[TED WHISTLING]
What you doing?
- Oh, uh
- Well, you can't whistle.
- Sure, I can. Listen. [WHISTLES]
- No, no, no, no, no,
no, I mean, don't whistle.
- It's bad luck.
- Oh. Shoot, I'm sorry.
[CHUCKLES] Superstition. I get it, yeah.
I think it's pretty neat
that someone can just be
mindlessly doing something
to soothe themselves,
and, depending on where they do it,
it could potentially lead to chaos.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
This has got to be a
fun place to work, yeah?
Yeah, it can be.
Yeah. What do you do here?
- I am the stage manager.
- Ooh. I like that. Stage manager.
[CHUCKLES] How'd you get into that?
You really wanna know?
Yeah. Yeah, or, I mean, I could just
stand here and stare at
my phone, if you prefer.
Okay. Well, I
watched a production of the
Scottish Play by Shakespeare
when I ten, and I spent the whole play
trying to work out how there was
a balcony on the stage one minute
- and then a giant banquet table the next.
- Hmm. [CHUCKLES]
I had absolutely no idea
what was going on in the play.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, because you
wanted to peek behind the curtain.
Yeah. Yeah.
But you never wanted
to be an actor, huh?
Oh, God, no.
They're all bonkers.
I mean, obviously, they're very brave,
the way they put themselves out there,
but, you know, I could never do that.
I guess I just wanted to, um
you know, help them
with what they do best.
Yeah. Like a theater coach. [CHUCKLES]
Or a stage manager.
Right, you guys have a term
for that already. [CHUCKLES]
Hmm.
- Sorry, who are you?
- Oh, yeah, I'm just waiting for my buddy.
Uh, my name's Ted. Ted Lasso.
- Oh, from the play, you and Jane.
- Yeah.
Well, no, no, no, no, no, not like that.
But, I mean, you know, that
was, um, artistic license.
You know, the, uh, subjective gaze,
which I-I fully respect, you know.
Uh, there's an emotional truth
there, but not actual, no.
[STAGE CREW, ON RADIO] We've
got a bad leak in the A zone.
- Yeah, I should probably go.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Nice jeans, by the way.
Oh, thank you. Yeah, no. Uh, 22
young women bought them for me.
Ah.
[THUD, CLATTERING IN DISTANCE]
Is that 'cause I whistled?
Yeah.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hmm.
[GROANING]
- [BEARD SIGHS]
- You all right, bud?
[INHALES SHARPLY] The good news is
Jane's agreed not to
do the show anymore.
- Great.
- The bad news is
it's because her producers
want to take it to the West End
and have either Jennifer Lawrence
or Emma Stone play her part
- and make it the biggest show in London.
- So you punched a mirror.
- No, I headbutted it.
- Ooh, okay.
Yeah, we should get you
out of here. Come on.
- Was someone whistling out here?
- Yeah, somebody.
I don't know who it was
though. Have you seen Macbeth?
[SCREAMS]
[THUDS]
[GRUNTS] Okay.
[MATTHIJS SIGHS]
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Are you okay?
- Yep.
All right.
- I love you
- [INHALES DEEPLY]
but you're gonna
have to tell me what's up.
- [CHUCKLES] Nothing. I'm fine.
- Hmm.
Never in the history of all of mankind
has a woman ever said she was
fine when she actually was.
[CHUCKLES]
All right. Um
Look.
Obviously, you can
move wherever you want.
I just feel like maybe we
might have discussed it,
and we didn't.
Yes.
You're right, and I am sorry.
I assumed you'd be happy.
[SIGHS]
But I feel that there's
something else going on here.
Uh, yeah, why [SIGHS] Why
are you really moving to London?
- What?
- Just tell me the truth.
You're moving here because
your ex needs to move here.
It's not the other way around.
You're moving here for her job.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are
you talking about? Wha
- Why do you think that?
- Jelka told me.
Well, she's wrong. She got it
mixed up. Please, she's ten.
Why were you guys even
talking about this?
No, I was I was just
asking her about the move.
Well, I wish you hadn't.
You know, she's in the middle
enough with me and her mom's shit.
Look, I've worked really hard
to shield her from any of that.
And I don't want her
to be brought into it.
Right, okay. Look, it's fine.
No, it's not fine.
Look, I wanted to move here 'cause
I thought we were in a good place.
Okay. I'm sorry.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
I think we should take a break.
Take some time apart to see, to
feel if this is what we really want.
Both of us.
[JELKA] Papa!
- [SIGHS]
- Papa, can we make pancakes?
- Please.
- [MATTHIJS] I'm sorry.
[DOOR OPENS]
- [SIGHS]
- [DOOR CLOSES]
[WHISPERING] Fuck.
[LOWE] For the first time
in their brief history,
AFC Richmond Women welcome their
fans to their ancestral home,
the dog track itself,
Nelson Road Stadium,
for a tantalizing FA Cup match
against the mighty Chelsea.
I'm Rebecca Lowe here with
England legend Jill Scott.
Jill, do Richmond have
any kind of chance today?
[SIGHS] It's the eternal
question, isn't it, Rebecca?
Where sport and probability
join in the purest congress.
Let's call that a yes.
It's also Richmond's
first ever televised match.
Kickoff is moments away.
- Right. Away then, lassies. Come on.
- Come on, girls. Let's go.
Don't let the crowd intimidate you.
No one intimidates me.
Except for Cynthia
Erivo maybe, but that's
more of an admiration thing, ya know?
Duh.
Let's give them a fucking show.
[PLAYERS WHOOPING, CHEERING]
[LOWE] And as these athletes step
onto the pitch for the first time
at a sold-out Nelson Road,
let's listen to the crowd.
[JILL] Don't strain your ears.
It may be sold-out, but
it's also only half-full.
["UNSTOPPABLE" PLAYS]
- [MADY] It's my time.
- [NIAMH, SIOBHAN] It's my time.
It's my time.
That video is so loud
with the stadium so empty.
- Maybe traffic's bad.
- [GEMMA] It's my time.
N-No, it was better
than usual, actually,
because I got here quite early.
I just tucked myself in a
bathroom stall and read my book.
Oh, actually
Yeah, I left it. I left
it in there. Just gonna
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[LOWE] Ten minutes in
and its been all Chelsea.
They've completely shutdown Gemma Jay.
They've had 95% possession
and Richmond can't even get
close enough to touch them.
[JILL] Also, not close
enough to touch each other,
any two members of this
uncomfortably sparse crowd.
This is so embarrassing.
Matthijs and Jelka didn't even show up.
Yes, uh, he's
had to work. Sorry.
- Oh, hello, you lucky people.
- [REBECCA CHUCKLES]
- Anyone sitting here?
- Mm-mmm.
No one sitting? No? Great.
Oh. [GRUNTS]
Chair for my bag too. It loves it.
God, there's barely
anyone here. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, come on, Keeley.
The only way forward is through,
and sometimes the best way
through is to get fucked up.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Right? Yeah?
You guys go ahead, yeah? I've
fucked up enough already today.
- Oh, no, I'll be back. It's okay, thanks.
- [BOTH STAMMER]
[SIGHS]
Hmm.
Oh, well.
Mmm.
Mmm? Mmm, mmm.
- Come on.
- Fuck it.
Little sippy dippy.
Great. Let's get wankered.
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh!
- [COUGHS]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
[LOWE] One-way traffic
as the champions continue
to brush aside the FA Cup debutantes.
Grammer with the cross,
Grewal with a header, and
it's 1-nil inside 15 minutes.
[JILL] Chelsea are too good.
Fucking shit.
I don't get it.
There was so much support
for that video online.
Now there's no one here for us.
Well, there's a big difference between
tapping a screen and showing up,
isn't there?
I know what you're doing
is important to you.
I mean, if it wasn't, you wouldn't be
taking so much time away from KBPR.
I I just think it can also be fun.
I mean, you you were the one
that showed me how important it is
to have have fun too.
Hmm. You're right.
Maybe I shouldn't be so
focused on all of this.
Oh, no, no, you should be.
'Cause I can manage the company.
Don't worry about that.
I love being the boss.
I mean, and I love turning up to
work early, sitting at my desk,
so that when everyone else comes in,
they see me and they already
think they're in trouble.
I mean, I love I
love that. I really do.
- [CHUCKLES]
- You know, don't lose focus.
That's important.
I just think you can have a little
more fun with your perspective.
- Thank you, Barbara.
- Yeah. Okay, um, all right.
Well, I'll leave you to it.
I'm gonna go and, um, finish my book
before the queue gets
too long at halftime.
- Okay.
- [BARBARA] Okay.
- I'll save your seat.
- Yeah.
[SIGHS]
[LOWE] Chelsea are doing
whatever they want out there.
It's only a matter of time until
[GASPS] Mullan!
And it's 2-nil.
- [SCREAMS, GRUNTS]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
[JILL] Quinn can scream all she wants,
or she can put that energy into
shopping for some goalie gloves.
[LOWE] This Richmond coaching staff are
about to have quite the
challenging halftime.
They'll really need their heads together
to get the Greyhounds out of this.
- Find that classic Lasso positivity.
- So, look, here's
- Defense. You know, there's no defense.
- There's not.
I'm just gonna go get
some fresh air, okay?
- Yes, yes. Sorry if we
- Don't be sorry. [CHUCKLES]
- I'll see you in a bit.
- [KISSES]
- Oh.
- [KEELEY] Okay. [EXCLAIMS] Yeah.
Ooh.
- Tough lot for that one.
- How so?
Well, because she's
a dreamer, isn't she?
And, you know, life can be hard on them.
That's why she needs you,
because you get shit done.
- Oh. Yeah, yeah.
- You're a doer like me.
Well, I'd get a lot more done
if my little dreamer would
listen to me occasionally.
Well, it's hard to hear reason over
the trumpets of angels, you know?
- Ooh.
- But, yeah,
- the world needs both, you know.
- [IMITATES TRUMPET]
- It needs dreamers and the doers.
- Yeah.
It's like the Eurythmics.
- Oh, fucking love the Eurythmics.
- I fucking love the Eurythmics.
I fucking love the Eurythmics.
I was at their very first show.
- No, you weren't.
- I was,
and there were more people on the stage
than there were in the audience.
- There's only two of them.
- I know. It was just me.
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- [CHUCKLES]
- Rebecca.
- What?
Leslie.
It's halftime. Are you ready?
The check for the children.
- Yes, that's now.
- [MUTTERING]
- [GROANS]
- Coming through. Coming through.
[REBECCA] Doers play on.
- [HIGGINS] Okay.
- [BARKS]
[ZELDA LAUGHS]
Play on, doer.
Yes, play on!
That was pathetic.
Your first televised match,
and this is how you play.
Maybe you ran us too hard this week.
It's not my fault you're
the ones playing like shit.
Fucking embarrassing yourselves.
You're embarrassing all of us.
Hey, Coach,
you and I should have a little chat
after the match today, all right?
Um, I'm not quite sure
this is a good idea.
I disagree, Leslie. I
think it's a great idea.
In fact, I think it's the greatest
idea that anybody has ever had.
All right. Oh, God.
[EXCLAIMS]
Oi!
AFC Richmond is always
supporting this community.
And so a big thank you to this community
for supporting AFC Richmond today.
[CROWD CHEERING]
But But now, a message
for the greatest football
supporters in the world
who are not here today.
Where are you?
Am I right?
- Yeah! Yeah, where are you?
- Where are you?
Where are you?
[ALL CHANTING] Where
are you? Where are you?
- Where are you? Yeah.
- Where are you?
Where the fuck are you?
Yeah!
Yeah! Where are you?
Maybe we should have went to the game.
[REBECCA] Let's be having you! Come on!
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
[GRUNTS]
- [REBECCA] That is how you do it!
- [FEEDBACK WHINES]
Yes, you do!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Great. Great.
[TED] Okay.
So Chelsea's playing pretty
good, which ain't a shock.
We all seen the game film. [CHUCKLES]
They got more highlights
than a Real Housewife.
But hey, we only down two goals.
You know, last time I
checked, two ain't three,
and I see y'all trying out there.
So if you ask me, y'all got
nothing to be embarrassed about.
Embarrassed.
Look, I know us coaches up here
can ask a lot of y'all at times.
And some of those times, you
don't give us what we want.
But I also know that there are
times when you ask something of us,
and we could do a lot better
job communicating with you.
So I'ma start.
No, I'm not married.
I was, you know, for a while.
Shoot, I've known my ex-wife
longer than some of y'all in this
room have been alive. [CHUCKLES]
And her and I, we, uh, we
co-parent our son Henry,
who I know y'all have met a few times.
And every other Sunday after
I drop him off at his mom's,
I make the choice to eat alone.
No, I'm not dating anyone.
I think I'm ready to, though.
I think.
And no, I, uh, would not describe
myself as lonely. [CHUCKLES]
Mostly because of you all,
you know, and you guys.
And a bunch of folks we get
to work with around here.
I'll be honest with you.
I was a little rattled when I
saw that photo y'all took of me.
Because if I didn't
know me, and I saw me,
well, I'd think that me was
the loneliest man I'd ever seen.
You know? [CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
And I was embarrassed.
Embarrassed.
An emotion so useless, it should
be embarrassed of itself. [CHUCKLES]
And yet, it can trap any of us.
Keep us small, scared,
till we bust out of it, you know.
It's like that quote. What is it? Um
"When embarrassed to
remain in a tight bud "
"A risk to remain tight in a bud."
That's it. Yeah, how-how does it go?
"And the day came when the
risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the
risk it took to blossom."
That's the one.
Thank you, Coach.
"When the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the
risk it took to blossom."
When the risk to feel embarrassed
becomes more painful than
the risk it takes to try.
Well, I know which risk I'd rather take.
I need to take.
It's the same one I want for y'all,
you know, in here and out there.
So I say, in the second half,
we try and get a goal.
[PLAYERS CHUCKLE]
[TED] And then, a little
later, try to score another one.
And once we tie this sucker up,
we just have some fun
and try to get one more.
Yeah? How's that sound?
- Yep.
- [TED] Right, yeah?
- Okay.
- Yep. Yep.
Okay, we got a few more minutes
before we got to get back out there.
So does anybody else have
any other questions for me?
- [PLAYERS MURMUR]
- [PLAYER] Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
[LOWE] Well, it's been the
proverbial game of two halves.
Richmond have transformed and
Chelsea have their hands full
against the side that
has found their fight.
- [NIAMH] Yeah, over there.
- Keep going.
[LOWE] Here's Harrigan.
To the other Harrigan.
Gemma Jay lurking like a shark.
Harrigan, she sends it in.
- Oh, what a goal!
- [CHEERING]
- Richmond just struck back and it's 2-1.
- Hey! All right!
[JILL] Gemma Jay is nothing
less than a modern day Colossus.
Stay out of her Gemma way.
[LOWE] Since she scored her
goal, Jay has been everywhere
and Chelsea just cannot solve her speed.
[GRUNTS]
- [JILL] Well, that's one way to do it.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
[GROANING, JEERING]
- Hey!
- You've got to be kidding me.
- Is she all right?
- [CHATTERING]
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- You all right?
- Yeah, all good.
[LOWE] Jay and El Sherif
over the free kick here,
but everyone in this stadium
knows who's taking it.
Do you want to do a Robbie or a Gary?
[CROWD CHANTING] Who
has the ball? Gemma Jay.
Who has the ball? Gemma Jay.
[LOWE] All eyes on Jay.
Gemma Jay. Who has the ball?
- Gemma Jay.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
[LOWE] Here she comes.
No!
And that is a stunner of an
equalizer from Margy El Sherif!
- [CHEERING]
- [LAUGHING]
[JILL] This game is their hostage now.
[LOWE] Ten minutes left, and
this game is not done with us yet.
Powell from distance!
- [CROWD GROANS]
- [LOWE] It's another corner for Richmond!
[JILL] What a turnaround, Rebecca.
I never knew greyhounds could purr.
[LOWE] They've been relentless, Jill.
Song to take the corner.
Davis!
Off the post!
[JILL] They can't afford
to squander these chances.
[LOWE] Chelsea on the attack.
Grammer Drumis!
Peretti!
- Yes!
- Yes! Boots!
A stunning triple safe
from Boots Quinn. My word.
General rule of thumb is
to trust a gloveless goalie
about as much as you trust
a headless haberdasher.
- [SHOUTS]
- [JILL] But today, I'll let it slide.
Right back post!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[LOWE] Gemma Jay is in.
Keeper's off her line.
Is this the moment?
- No! It's off the bar!
- [CROWD GROANS]
[BEARD GROANS]
[LOWE] Handler thumps it down the pitch.
Oh, great control by Mullan in space.
And now, here come Chelsea again.
It's Peretti!
[JILL] Oh, no!
[LOWE] She scores!
Chelsea have done it.
A cruel deflection puts
Richmond to the sword
despite a brave and determined
second half performance
that no one who witnessed
will soon forget.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] I think
I'm gonna go see them.
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
Excellent.
Today has been a complete disaster.
My babe, you don't seem to realize
this is the best thing
that could've happened.
I'd laugh at that,
but I'm too depressed.
Well, don't you see?
Your little dreamer, Keeley,
has had her wings melted.
Yeah, yeah, she's sad today.
Tomorrow she'll be okay.
And most importantly, she'll be
more inclined to listen to you.
[KEELEY] You all
played great, well done.
It was so close.
It was a really fantastic effort, yeah?
Hey.
I'm so sorry that the stadium's
so empty. I I fucked up.
- What're you talking about?
- What?
That crowd was twice as big as our usual
home games. You know that, don't you?
That is more people than we have
ever played in front of, okay?
Those voices in your head, tell
them to shut the fuck up, all right?
You smashed it.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
You know, Ted,
we might have a coach problem.
Don't you mean we might
have a problem, Coach?
Nope.
- All right.
- Later, y'all.
- [TED] Bye now.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
[ZIPPING UP BAG]
[ALICE CLEARS THROAT]
You wanted to speak to me?
Um, yeah, that's right. Hmm.
I'm pretty sure I encouraged you to take
it a little easier
on the team, didn't I?
[SCOFFS] What, yeah, with
the whole barbecue thing?
This game was so much bigger than that.
This was their chance
to make a statement.
Well, that's one of the
great things about sports.
There's always another chance.
Yeah, not in my experience.
Mm-hmm.
You know, Alice,
I had the privilege of working with
another coach who had your fire.
Unfortunately, I didn't notice what
was going on with him before, uh
well, before he'd
been burned to a crisp.
So, in the hopes of
learning from my mistakes,
I'm going to try a
different approach with you.
I'm gonna suspend you for a match.
But there's only one match left
and then it's the Christmas break.
Well, maybe that'll give you some
time to think about what's going on.
Make some adjustments and hopefully
we'll see you in the new year.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR SLAMS]
[SIGHS]
- [SINGSONGY] relaxed and I feel ready
- [LAUGHING]
- to party
- [KEELEY] Party!
- with the best of them.
- [REBECCA] with the best of them.
- And I'm gonna go down to the river
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, this is totally you at
the match today. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, God, I'm such a mess.
- No, no, you're not a mess.
It was funny.
Well, at least there were only
seven people there to see me.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[SOBBING]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm so
That was so insensitive
A really terrible joke.
No, it was, it was a good
joke. I loved your joke.
I love that I have a
friend that can make mean,
awful jokes at my expense, because
you're not mean or awful at all.
Oh
[CRIES] I'm I'm
just worrying about Roy.
Oh, no, what?
- Oh.
- He's met someone,
and he's gonna marry her,
and they're gonna have
babies, and I'm a mess.
Oh, no, no, you're not a mess.
I'm the mess.
[SIGHS]
Matthijs said he was gonna
move here and I [SIGHS]
and I freaked out and now I've
totally ruined it and we're on a break.
- Oh, my God.
- Yes.
- No. Oh, that's so bad.
- [STAMMERS] I know, isn't it?
And so I'm the mess.
Oh, shit.
I think we're both messes.
Yes.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, God.
Oh, my, the back of my head hurts.
I bet it does. You
had a good time today.
I don't even like vodka.
You'll be all right.
- [CRYING] I don't know.
- [LAUGHS]
["HOLD ON" PLAYING]