The Brady Bunch (1969) s04e05 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way
we became the Brady Bunch. ♪
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing?
Oh, tightening the clamp
on a water hose.
This is my new friend Kerry Hathaway.
She just moved to the neighborhood.
This is my brother Greg.
I'm pleased to meet you.
Likewise.
Come on and meet everybody else.
Hi.
Kerry, I'd like you to meet my
mother and Cindy and Bobby.
Hi. Hi.
Hi, Kerry. Welcome to the neighborhood.
Thanks, Mrs. Brady.
Would you girls like something to eat?
KERRY: Well, I'm not
really hungry. Thank you.
JAN: Me either.
We're going to go up to my room
and do some homework, anyways.
CAROL: Good.
It was nice meeting all of you.
( Whispers ): Wow!
See you later.
Okay, honey.
Bye.
Oh, Peter, this is my new friend
Kerry Hathaway.
This is my brother Peter.
Hi.
Pleased to meet me.
( Quavers )
( Both start giggling )
Jan, could I talk to you?
Sure, but make it quick.
I've got a lot of homework.
Marcia, could we have some privacy?
Hey! Sounds pretty confidential.
It is.
Then, I wouldn't dream of leaving.
Come on, Peter, what is it?
Marcia, please?
Oh, come on, Pete. I
won't blab. I promise.
Well, I guess it's okay.
What it is is is
well, it's sort of about Kerry Hathaway.
Who's Kerry Hathaway?
She's my new classmate.
What about her, Peter?
Well, I was wondering if
you know, if she'd like to go to
a movie or something with me?
How should I know?
Why not ask her?
What if she turns me down?
Why would she turn you down?
You're a nice guy.
Yeah, all the girls at school
think you're cute.
They do?
MARCIA: Sure.
You've got a great personality.
You're lots of fun to be with.
That's right.
You're kind and very
considerate of people.
Yeah, that's true, too.
Well, go phone her.
Her number's in the book downstairs.
Okay, I will.
This is going to be
the most important phone call
I've ever made in my whole entire life.
( laughing )
( Phone rings )
Hello.
Kerry?
This is Kerry.
Hi, this is Pete.
Pete who?
Peter Brady. You met me this afternoon.
I'm Jan's brother.
Oh, you must be
the cute little one with the freckles.
No, that's my brother Bobby.
Oh!
Then you're the groovy-looking
guy who was fixing the car.
No, that's my brother Greg.
Then which one are you?
I'm the one who'd better say good-bye.
Good-bye.
( Knocks lightly )
Hi, Dad.
Hey!
How come you're so dressed up?
Trying to get thrown out of school?
I'm trying to sort of, you know,
impress a certain girl
and I was wondering
Yeah, wondering what?
Dad, can I borrow some
after-shave lotion?
Did you shave?
Do you have to shave
to use after-shave lotion?
( Chuckles )
Come to think of it, no.
I got just the thing for you back here.
She's really something special
so I thought I'd better look special
and smell special, too.
Now, listen, Peter.
If you want to impress her
you use just a little of this.
How come just a little?
Well, like it says in the TV commercial,
if you use a lot,
you'll have to fight off women
with a whip and a chair.
Well, since I just met her,
maybe I should start slow and build.
Yeah, that's good thinking.
Hey, that smells good.
Insurance.
Kerry.
Small world.
Hi.
Don't you recognize me?
I'm Jan's brother Pete.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You must have been the boy
who called last night.
Yeah.
I've met so many new kids in school
I can't keep them straight.
That's okay.
( Sniffs )
( Sniffs )
Oh oh, yeah.
After-shave lotion.
You like it, huh?
Do you shave?
Oh, yeah, all the time.
My dad and I use the same brand.
Let me carry your books.
That's okay, I can
( books thud )
Gee, I'm sorry.
Let me wipe them off.
Don't bother.
I insist.
Here, hold these.
I'll get them real clean.
( Screams )
Wow.
Stop it!
Now look what you've done!
Can't I do anything right?
Hi, honey, I'm home!
Hi!
( Giggles )
Gosh, hey, that's some special kiss.
Yeah, I'm glad you liked it.
Yeah, I did
Uh-oh, you've got
something to tell me, don't you?
Yeah, guess where we're
going Friday night.
Um, the new play.
You got tickets?
I've got tickets
Hey, great.
But not to the play.
I have tickets to that
modern art show I mentioned.
Oh, honey, come on!
Not another show
where soup cans crushed
wins first prize.
Oh, Mike, I had to buy the tickets.
It's for charity.
Couldn't we stay home
and crush our own soup cans?
Oh, Mike, they'll be expecting us.
( Moans )
Hi, Peter. Hi, Pete.
( Dejectedly ): Hi.
Hey, what's the matter?
Didn't the shaving lotion work?
Oh, it smelled okay,
but I sure stunk it up.
I can't even talk to her!
Now, wait a minute.
Don't get uptight about it, listen.
Do you know that when I was your age,
I had exactly the same
problem with a girl.
You did?
Yes, I did Polly Ledbetter.
Polly Ledbetter!
That was her name.
And every time I got within
ten feet of that girl,
I got a knot in my tongue
I could have won a merit badge with.
What'd you do about it?
Well, I just figured if I
couldn't say what I wanted to,
I could always write it, you see?
So I wrote her a letter.
A letter, huh?
Uh-huh, that way you know
you can take your time
and think about what you're going to say.
That's a great idea!
Thanks, Dad.
Sure.
What are you doing?
Trying to write a letter
or start a paper drive?
It's a tough letter to write, Alice.
I don't want it to sound corny.
Well, want to try it out on me?
Okay.
"Dear Kerry"
Yeah?
That's it.
That's where I get stuck.
Oh!
Oh, yeah, well
that first line is always the toughest.
I just don't know what to say.
Why don't you try something poetic like,
"How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways."
Great give it to me again, slow.
"How do I love thee?"
( Muttering softly )
Jan. Hi.
What did she say?
Who?
Kerry Hathaway. What did she say?
About what?
About me.
Peter, we've got
a communication gap going.
What are you talking about?
I wrote Kerry a letter
and I slipped it into her locker.
I want to know what she said about it.
Oh, was it a gooey love letter?
Yeah, did she mention it?
She mentioned it.
Well, what'd she say?
She said it was beautifully written.
Yeah?
Super poetic and fantastic.
What else did she say?
That the dumb-dumb who wrote it
forgot to sign his name.
Oh, no!
How could I be so stupid?
You must practice a lot.
It's the perfect plan
and you're the perfect guy.
No way, Pete. No way.
Where'd you get this weird idea?
From this copy of Cyrano de Bergerac.
Marcia put me on to it.
It's great.
It's about this guy with a big nose
and he's in love
with this girl named Roxanne.
Peter, I know the story.
He's shy, see.
So he hides in some bushes
and has this other guy say to her
I said I know the story.
All I'm asking you to do is
hide in the bushes like Cyrano did
and you feed me the right words.
When it comes to
smooth talking the girls,
everybody says you're the greatest.
Yeah? Everybody says that?
Everybody.
They call you "Old Silver Tongue."
They do?
Why, you're a legend in your own time.
How about that?
I really need help from an expert like you.
Well, okay, we'll try it.
If Cyrano could do it,
so can "Old Silver Tongue."
( Crickets chirping )
( Whispers ): That's the one.
( Whispers ): That's it?
Okay.
Hide back here.
You're sure I look okay?
Peter, you look fine.
My hair?
Does my hair look okay?
After 20 minutes with Mom's hairdryer
you couldn't look any better.
Good. You're sure you thought up
some real poetic stuff?
My stuff is better than Cyrano's.
Remember your first line?
Yeah.
Well, here goes.
( Pebble taps )
( Pebble taps )
( Pebble taps )
( Quavers )
Hello, lovely one.
Peter? Is that you?
Yeah, could I talk to you? It's important.
I guess so.
Come around to the front.
No, wait.
I
I want to see you here
where your lovely hair
outshines the moonbeams.
I want to see you here,
where your lovely hair
outshines the moonbeams.
Peter, are you feeling okay?
How could I feel otherwise
when I'm so close to your beauty?
How could I feel otherwise when
I'm so close to your beauty?
I've never seen you act like this before.
I'm not acting.
It's true love
from the first time I saw you.
I'm not acting.
It's true love
from the first time I saw you.
Peter, why are you standing
all the way over there?
Why am I standing over here?
Distance lends enchantment.
Distance lends enchantment.
What in the world is going on out there?
Just take what I have to offer:
The rainbows, the sunlight,
my life, the world!
Take my rainbows and sun life.
That's not what I said.
The sunlight, rain and
For crying out loud, will ya listen?
She's gone!
I blew it again.
Peter, what's going on out here?
Uh hello, lovely one.
Greg, what are you doing here?
Well, he just
I can explain everything.
Yeah, he can explain.
No, you don't have to explain.
I understand everything now.
Oh, it's just like Cyrano!
Don't be shy, Greg.
You don't have to use
Peter to speak for you.
P-Peter!
Honey, I forgot to show you this.
Yeah? What is it?
It's the brochure for the
art show Friday night.
I thought you'd like to see
some of the paintings
that are going to be exhibited.
Ha! Sure those are paintings?
It looks more like a tablecloth
after a spaghetti festival.
Boy, do I have a rat for a brother!
Wait a minute. What's
the matter with you?
Greg just hijacked my girl.
Huh? What do you mean?
He was supposed to help me
impress Kerry, not himself.
She's flipped over him!
Well, where's Greg?
With Kerry
she was hanging all over him.
Well, what'd you do about it?
I left.
What should I do? Take pictures?
Thanks for splitting
and leaving me stuck with your girl.
Oh, you really looked
like you were in pain.
Thanks for stealing Kerry.
I didn't steal her!
Oh, then you just borrowed
her without permission.
Hold it, you two. Now, wait a minute.
Greg, what happened?
Dad, the whole thing was a big mistake.
I tried to straighten it out,
but Kerry wouldn't listen to a word I said.
I bet you did.
Look, pal, I can't help it
Oh, forget about it.
Good night, Mom, night, Dad.
Good night, Greg. Good night.
MIKE: Peter, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
You know, a guy can't
always get a girl to like him.
Maybe you ought to forget
about this girl for now.
Honey, there are a lot
of other fish in the sea.
I know but I got Moby Dick
for a brother.
Good night, Mom, good night, Dad.
And I'd say we needed
two pounds of rice.
Two pounds of rice. Is that it, Alice?
Except for some cake mix.
I thought I'd make Peter
a nice, gooey cake
to help glue back together
his poor broken heart.
Alice, you're the "Dear
Abby" of the kitchen.
Hi, Mom, hi, Alice.
Hi, sweetheart.
How was school today?
It was better in the afternoon
than it was in the morning.
Oh? Why is that?
I get out in the afternoon.
Has anybody seen my blue sweater?
Not since I washed it.
Oh, I know where it is.
Where?
Jan lent it to Kerry Hathaway.
Kerry? What for?
For measurements.
Kerry's knitting you a new one.
It's supposed to be a surprise.
Not anymore.
ALICE: Say, I almost forgot.
Kerry dropped by and left this for you.
Homemade fudge.
Oh, this is really getting to bug me.
I got to do something about that girl.
If you don't like her anymore,
can I have the fudge?
Neat, huh?
You're lucky you're young, Bobby.
I think it just needs new brushes.
Stay away from women, kid.
They'll break your heart every time.
What are you talking about?
You're too young to understand.
GREG: Peter Pete
Pete, I got a great idea for you.
If it's about joining the Foreign Legion
I've already thought about it.
How would you like to get Kerry back?
Now, listen
I don't trust you. You stole my girl.
I didn't steal your girl!
You did!
If you guys are starting that again,
I'm getting out of here.
Pete, listen, listen
you got to trust me, please.
Well okay.
But not around Kerry.
I won't go near her.
Jan will.
Jan?
Jan's going to tell Kerry
that nobody trusts me
that I'm a no-good,
double-crossing, two-timing rat.
Oh. You mean she's going
to tell her the truth.
Yeah!
No what I mean is
after Kerry's convinced that I'm a rat fink,
Jan'll tell her what a great guy you are.
She will? Sure.
And Kerry will turn off of me
and turn on to you.
Hey, yeah, that's a great idea.
You're a pretty nice brother
for a no-good, double-crossing,
two-timing rat.
Hi, Jan.
Hi, Greg.
Well, when does Pete take over?
How does "never" sound?
Never? What went wrong?
( Dramatically ):
Kerry's going to save you
from your horrible self.
She's going to change you.
Terrific. Did you tell her everything?
Everything.
I don't understand it
unless she didn't believe me.
Hey, wait maybe that's the trouble.
Maybe she didn't believe you.
Maybe she has to be shown
that I'm a rat fink.
But how you going to show her?
That's a good question.
I think I've got a good answer.
Mom and Dad are going to
the art show tonight, right?
So?
Could you get Peter out of the house?
I guess so. What are you going to do?
I'll explain later.
Now for the other woman.
What other woman?
Has Kerry ever met Marcia?
No. What other woman?
Great. I'll invite Kerry over tonight.
What other woman?!
When you put on this wig
and some dark glasses.
Kerry will never know who you are.
I'm not sure Kerry ever saw me.
We can't take any chances;
it's too important to Peter.
Right. Okay. Exit Marcia Brady.
Enter the other woman.
( Puts on romantic music )
( Doorbell rings )
Hi, doll.
Hi.
Thanks for inviting me over.
Well, I believe in
spreading myself around.
Super outfit.
Oh, these are my working threads.
Know what I mean?
Where's everybody else?
Out.
We're all alone, kid.
Groovy?
Sit down.
Now, I'd like to get a few things straight.
The way I see it, you're crazy about me
and you want to go steady, right?
Well
Well, I got a couple rules you got to dig.
Rules?
Rule one: You go out only with me.
Oh, I like that.
Rule two: I go out with whoever I want.
That doesn't sound fair.
What do you want, fair or me?
Well
Now, let me tell you about rule three.
C-could we go back to rule two?
( Doorbell rings )
Don't move.
I'll be right back.
Debbie, not you again!
MARCIA: Greg, I have to talk to you.
( Gasps )
I might have known
I'd find another woman here.
Well, you caught me at a bad time.
I usually have three or four.
Greg, you've got to take me back.
Give me one more chance.
I'll do anything you say.
No way.
Debbie, you bore me.
I'll change. I promise.
Greg, maybe I should go.
Nah.
Stick around, kid.
Watch me throw her out.
Come on, loser.
Greg, if you drop me, I
don't know what I'll do.
I said out!
MIKE: If that's art, I'm Michelangelo.
CAROL: Oh, honey, stop complaining.
What is it, Alice?
Well, I'm not sure,
but I think they're rehearsing
a teenage soap opera.
Greg!
How can you treat her like this?
Out with the old and in with the new.
But this girl loves you!
MARCIA: Oh, yes
I do, I do, I do.
Listen, if you don't like it,
you can leave, too.
Greg Brady, you're
even worse than Jan said.
I never want to see you again.
You were right, Alice, it is a soap opera.
Come on, Debbie.
What's going on?
Uh Peter
Peter, you're supposed
to be at the library.
I was.
Marcia, what are you doing in that wig?
I'm not Marcia! I'm
She's Debbie.
She's Debbie I'm Debbie.
Something funny's going on.
You mean something phony.
That's my sister
in a wig.
Your sister?!
What's this all about?
( Sighs )
We were trying to convince Kerry
that I was a rat fink.
That's really dirty,
playing a trick like this on her when she
really cares about you.
We're sorry, Kerry.
If a girl as wonderful
as Kerry was my girl
you know how I'd treat her?
I'd
You'd what, Peter?
I'd treat her like a queen.
Peter, could I ask a favor?
( Nervously ): Mmm anything.
Would you walk me home?
Wow! Would I.
For a minute there, I thought we blew it.
GREG: Mom, Dad.
I guess we should explain.
Well, I think we understand.
Good night, kids.
Good night.
Good night, Greg.
Good night, Debbie.
I really didn't have any dessert last night,
so I think I'd better have two.
Two donuts?
They give you lots of energy, Mom.
They give you lots of energy, Mom.
And with lots of energy,
you do more homework.
And with lots of energy,
you can do more homework.
When you do more homework, you
can get better grades in school.
And when you do more homework,
you can get better grades in school.
Well, that's a pretty
convincing argument.
Okay, here are two donuts.
One for you
and one for your Cyrano.
Well, we figured
maybe if it worked for girls,
it'd work for donuts, too.
Want a bite?