Animal Control (2023) s04e06 Episode Script

What's going on?
Dang it!
Anybody catch that missing hamster yet?
Henry's war on technology continues.
Maybe he's Amish.
[COINS CLATTERING]
Why can't I get my candy?
Who is messing with
the wires on my foot bath?
It's been a long week and I
need to soften these corns.
We are dealing with
an insatiable rodent.
He got me too.
Don't try to relate to me.
- [PATEL] Found him!
- [MOUSE SQUEAKS]
Come on, Henry! That's my breakfast.
[VOCALIZING]
Hey, y'all. I have some important news.
I need everyone to
put your hands together
for Templeton Dudge,
who just finished his last day
in the probation room!
Ohhh!
Good to be back.
Oh, look at this. So much
change, man.
You were gone two-and-a-half weeks.
That's right, my man did a
two-and-a-half week stretch
in the big house.
But then he got sprung early
because he's nominated for
Animal Control Officer of the Year!
[CHEERS]
Wait, why?
- Excuse me?
- [EMILY] I'm so sorry.
That sounded harsh.
What I meant was, err
How?
I guess the powers that be
saw my heroics when I rescued
Mama Rose's bear cub from the mineshaft.
That was my rescue.
Those were my heroics.
That team effort was all mine.
Not according to the media coverage
and the campaign
materials that T sent out.
Probation room has a printer
and mini muffins on Thursdays.
And several officers who installed
illegal toilet cameras.
Every toilet cam is illegal.
Everyone knows that.
Now, where's the two-three at?
- Uhh!
- [CHEERING]
Dinner tomorrow, MacGregor's, 6:00 PM.
- Your treat.
- [CHEERS]
Congratulations.
An Animal Control Officer
of the Year nomination
is a huge honor.
Thank you. Frank, thanks for watching
my desk while I was in the clink,
but Daddy's home.
Ugh. As long as we're ignoring facts,
I choose to ignore you
referred to yourself as Daddy.
Ahh, good to be back.
Hey, Victoria.
Don't talk to me.
Come on, Frank, you
know a win for anyone
in this precinct is a win for us all.
This is not a win for us
all. This is a nightmare.
Worse. At least in my
nightmares I die at the end.
If Templeton wins, they're
gonna give him my job.
Templeton would be the worst boss.
He'd probably make a lactation room
and then be all weird about it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, his sexual harassment
training would just be
how to do more of it.
I think I have a solution to
avoid this dystopian future.
I get nominated and
win the award instead.
Why do all of your fixes
involve personal glory?
Guys, my plan has
something for everyone.
Emily keeps her gig,
Templeton doesn't win,
and I get to bask in his misery.
Plus, the personal glory.
- Plus that.
- Okay, well,
whatever we decide
to do, we have to keep it
within this circle. The roof crew.
Okay, so what's the plan?
How do we get Frank the nom?
We could break up a fighting ring.
Oh, dog fighting.
Oh, cow fighting.
I hear that's the new one.
I love that. I'm also
picturing you walking out of
an animal testing facility,
carrying baby monkeys
in full faces of makeup.
- Slay.
- [FRANK] Nope.
It's gotta be bigger.
Something people have
tried but never accomplished.
I'm talking about the
EGOT of animal control.
Wait, you're not suggesting
I am.
Tomorrow I'm gonna save
24 animals in 24 hours.
- Whoa.
- A Jack Bauer?
Wait, who's Jack Bauer?
The show 24.
I don't know it.
Jack Bauer was a hero
who kidnapped, tortured,
and murdered all within
a span of 24 hours.
I'm going to do the animal
rescue version of that.
- [SHRED] Is that even possible?
- It's insane!
A guy came close in 2013.
He fell asleep,
drove his truck into a flower stand.
The crime scene smelled exquisite.
We're gonna have to set up
shifts to keep Grandpa awake.
Would a grandpa have stayed up all night
watching the debut of MTV?
I can side-channel with dispatch
and relay all calls to Truck 12.
Use channel 8 on the radio so Templeton
and his lackeys can't hear.
That's what we do when we
wanna make fun of you uh, people.
[PATEL] When we wanna make
fun of people behind their backs.
Shut up. Everybody be
cool. She's not in the circle.
Hey, boss. You're late for
your work/life balance webinar.
Oh, that can wait. We're working.
You're doing a Jack Bauer, right?
I heard you, it's a pretty
long walk across the roof.
- Bettany's in the circle.
- Yep. Come on in.
- Yeah.
- [VICTORIA] So, I will do
whatever it takes.
I just have a hard out to see Twilight.
The 20-year-old vampire
movie? Explain yourself.
It's a special midnight showing.
I bought tickets months ago. I
won't apologize for who I am.
Okay, the most important
thing is that this stays
between the six of us.
The future of our precinct
and our very lives depend on it.
Yeah, I really think you
should go to that webinar.
That's a whole lotta trucker buddies.
Yeah, no stopping.
I can hit up to 45 miles per hour
with very little spillage.
All right, for this to be official,
we need a picture of you
with the clock at the start.
7:00 AM to 7:00 AM. You got this.
In five seconds. Four.
[CHANTING] Three. Two. One.
[VICTORIA AND PATEL CHEER]
Woo-hoo!
Yeah!
He just drove past a
stray dog, didn't he?
- [PATEL] Huh.
- I'll grab my catch-pole.
Yeah.
[COUNTDOWN BEEPS]
- [MEOW]
- There he is.
[SHRED] Hey, buddy.
Yeah!
All right.
- One down, 23 to go.
- Nice.
- And she's a cutie, too.
- [CAT HISSES]
- Ow!
- Ooh, she get ya?
- Yeah.
- Here, let me see that.
All the way through the thumbnail.
Wait.
Is this your first bite?
Yeah, but it's no big
deal. I think it's fine.
Ah, damn it. We gotta get
you back to the precinct.
- Come on.
- Wait. Why?
No time to argue. Every second counts.
- Wait. Why?
- Save your energy. Run!
[CHEERING]
First bite comin' through!
[PATEL] You did it.
Congratulationay.
Mwah. Mwah.
You're a man now.
Let's get you on the wall of pain. Huh?
All right, then we're
gone. Clock's ticking.
All right. Say "Ouch".
Ouch!
So, what finally got ya?
Oh, it was just a little kitten.
Oh, yeah, buddy,
that could get infected.
A cat's mouth is filthier than
a porta-potty at the county fair.
We're gonna need eyes on that bite.
- Ooh, Nancy! Hello.
- Oh. Yeah.
Buddy, we're definitely going to the ER.
Don't worry.
I've been bitten tons of
times. I'll show you the ropes.
Oncology's got soft-serve.
[SHRED] But I can't go to
the hospital, Frank needs me.
Sands, you're clockin'
in early. Let's go.
Let's roll.
Hey, Frank.
I feel like I failed you today.
Don't be ridiculous.
You fail me every day.
Right.
Where you screwin' off to, little mouse?
Is there a hunk of
cheese I don't know about?
Shred's first bite. I'm
taking him to the ER.
How'd he get his first bite?
I didn't hear a call over the radio.
Well, did you, uh, make
sure your radio was on?
Because, uh, sometimes
I'll forget to turn my radio on
and I'll miss hours of calls.
Gonna make me do it, huh?
Fine.
Callin' in my I.O.U.
Remember when you needed all those dogs
for the kennel groundbreaking?
- You owe me.
- But this isn't I.O.U. worthy.
I guess we'll just have to tell
Emily you took the company truck
for unauthorized personal use.
You can't prove that.
Vashon Island. Family camping trip.
Early August.
I I I had to take it.
I couldn't get through all
that mud in my minivan.
- I
- Yeah. It is deep.
Not as deep as you'll be in it.
When Emily finds out.
There's no light in your
eyes anymore, Templeton.
The probation room has changed you.
Okay, fine.
Frank's gonna try to catch
24 animals in 24 hours.
[GROANS] He's pullin' a Jack Bauer.
He's going after my nomination!
Can you just do
No, no, no. It's good.
He broke. He broke.
I am
I'm cool. It's cool.
These raccoons have been squatting
in that lady's attic for months.
They picked the right day to move out.
They must hate Templeton too.
[RADIO BEEPS] Emily to Truck 12.
Guys, a missing cockatiel was spotted
on the 500 block of Rainier Avenue.
We're on it. Better go grab that bird
before you watch teen vampires bone.
Teen?
Edward Cullen is 104.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Whoa. You're pretty
quick for a geriatric.
Oh, okay. Let's not make
this more dramatic than it is.
Flair factors into nomination.
- What?
- [COCKATIEL CHIRPS]
What are you doing here?
Oh, just rescuing a cockatiel.
I found him beak deep in
a Crunchwrap Supreme.
- This is our call.
- We're all one team, Frank.
Remember what Emily said?
A win for anyone in the precinct
is a win for us all.
Excuse me.
Oh. Yeah.
Silly two-two bitches. [DAISY CHUCKLES]
- Templeton's onto us.
- I don't know how.
We took every precaution.
It's something I never do.
If they know we're doing a Jack Bauer
that means somebody told 'em.
We have a mole.
I've never taken this many
medicines at once before.
Is this normal?
- My record's 18 in one mouthful.
- [SHRED] Whoa.
- [PHONE RINGS]
- Oh.
I'll get it.
Victoria! I'm treating Shred to my usual
post bite shake.
Doctor says he gets to
keep his finger for now.
- What?
- [VICTORIA] That's great.
We got scooped by Templeton.
Which means we have a mole among us.
What? Bro That is crazy.
Hey, square up the camera.
I wanna see who has fear in their eyes.
The only people who knew
about our plan were on the roof.
So, let the accusations begin!
Okay. Hot take. I
think Emily sold us out.
What? Emily would never lie.
Especially about something
that might threaten her own job.
I'll say it.
I think it could be Shred.
He's got a weird work mom
thing going on with Daisy.
For the record, I am
not a fan of that dynamic,
and I've been actively discouraging her.
And I I think it could be Patel.
He hasn't helped Frank at all today.
Well, that's because I'm
sitting here helping you!
That leaves you, Sands.
You've been undermining me
since the moment you got in this truck.
More like since the moment we met.
Oh my God. Wait.
No, it can't be.
- What?
- I don't even wanna say it.
[BOTH] Say it!
Bettany.
Bettany.
[PATEL] She crashed
our secret rooftop meeting.
Bettany loves Emily.
That makes no sense.
But she's always on Emily's
case about work/life balance.
Maybe she's trying to remove
the work part altogether.
[SIGHS] Bettany, no.
Oh, it's a bummer.
Okay, I'll talk to you guys later.
[CALL ENDS]
I just got chills, man.
Chills, nausea, night incontinence.
Cat bites are no joke.
- [COUNTDOWN BEEPS]
- [GOAT BLEATING]
[BETTANY] All right, what's up?
Victoria said you wanted to talk about
your Kiefer Sutherland thing.
Time for talking's over.
Now you're gonna listen.
Okay.
Anything you wanna say to us?
So, you do want me to talk?
Don't make this harder
than it needs to be.
Oh, you need to step back.
You leaked our secret mission
to Templeton and to Daisy
and the whole
Oh, my Go
That was awesome. High five.
What was that sound?
- Frank FAFO'd.
- Oh.
Okay. Um, so
someone told Templeton and
Daisy about the Jack Bauer.
And you suspected Bettany?
The woman who tracks
my period on her phone.
How did you even come up with that?
Right. I guess, um,
we thought that maybe she
was protecting you from burnout.
She has Tinker Tailor
Soldier Spy energy.
- What?
- I fell asleep during that one.
But I'm pretty sure it's
full of double-crossing.
Frank, you are wasting your time.
And I sent you a call
about a box of guinea pigs
on the side of the road.
I mean, you are not
gonna find an easier rescue.
Oh, great.
There goes Templeton's
boys with your easy rescue.
Okay, this ends now.
I don't know who the mole is,
but we know who he's reporting to.
- Bettany, wanna be my backup?
- No.
Very good.
[DAISY] To my man T-Rex.
The two-three's soon
to be officer of the year.
Let's eat.
Now, how structurally
sound is this tower?
Because I'm about to Jenga
a load-bearing crab leg.
Frank Shaw. As I live and breathe.
Your two worst qualities.
Chicken tenders at a steakhouse?
They're not on the menu.
Chef makes them special.
[FRANK] I'm on a tight
schedule, so I'll make this quick.
There are two moles, the suspicious one
on your left hand and
the one in my inner circle.
- I want names.
- I call this one Cindy Crawford.
And for that other mole,
that's a mystery you'll never solve.
They gave me the whole block of parm!
[CHUCKLES]
You.
It's not what it looks like.
I had to get a second job working here.
I'll be right back with your salads.
Are you kidding me?
They're way past the salad course.
I'm sorry. Templeton threatened my job,
and I need the money, Frank. I'm broke.
But you could afford a kilt.
It's Addy's school uniform.
I don't know how we're the same waist.
I hate myself for this, Frank.
You all make me sick.
I feel sick, too. But
I'm powering through.
You've lost too much
time. Might as well stay.
Good opportunity to
hobnob with your future boss.
Well, now that I've plugged the leak,
nothing can get in my way.
Frank.
- [DAISY] Nuh-uh.
- Ha!
Careful.
Floor's a little uneven
here. I hate you all.
So disappointing.
Stay with your new team, turnkilt.
I've always wanted a clever nickname.
But at what cost?
- Ah! Ah! Ah!
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?
- What was that?
Sorry, I just thought the bunnies were
teaming up on me or something.
Okay.
I think maybe the cat
bite really got to you.
- Hey.
- Ah!
Oh, my
Wait, why is Shred so sweaty?
Did I walk in on you guys doing it?
- No.
- No! No, no, no.
Oh my God, also, such a good Edward.
No, he was like this when I walked in.
Do you wanna go back to the hospital?
Could we actually have this conversation
away from the crates of teeth?
Put your hands out straight.
- You've got the yips.
- The
The yips. I had them
too, after my first bite.
Lhasa Apso. I couldn't sleep for weeks.
I need my sleep. I'm still growing.
Well, how did you get through it?
Frank helped me, with a mixture of
immersion therapy and insults.
But seeing as he's busy,
got a long night ahead of you.
Okay. That was fun.
No, no, no, no. Victoria, please.
You-you can't go. I
mean, look look at him.
It's the 15th anniversary
of the fourth film.
You go. I can do my job
while avoiding animals.
Victoria.
Victoria.
Fine! Fine.
But if I see on Instagram that
they did a swag bag giveaway,
I will bite you myself.
[BIRD SQUAWKS]
[COUNTDOWN BEEPS]
- How many is that?
- You just said 14.
Okay, well, why don't
you get off my back?
It's two hours after my usual bedtime.
You go to bed at 9:00?
- Why is Shred whimpering?
- [VICTORIA] Yips.
Ah, it's all falling apart.
Shred has cat bite delirium.
Patel is dead to me.
Victoria's distracted
by supernatural erotica.
- Yeah.
- It's over, guys.
Might as well shave our calves now,
get ready for kilt season.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no.
You can't quit on me
now, okay? I need you.
I I I'll ride with you.
Yeah? I'll keep you awake.
Oh, I'm losing you. Okay, um
Just imagine Templeton's
demonic grin as he wears
that Officer of the Year
medal around his neck
for the rest of time.
You are the only one who can stop him.
- Come on, we need you.
- You got this, man.
What do you say, Frank? Come on.
Oh, God.
- [SHRED] Oh!
- What'd I miss?
You agreed to complete the Bauer.
Yeah, I know that. Why
don't you get outta my way?
Jeez.
[COUNTDOWN BEEPS]
[COUNTDOWN BEEPS]
[EMILY] The cabin door creaked open.
There stood the counselor,
with a knife in one hand,
and in the other hand
her own head!
How'd she open the door?
I don't know, but it really happened
at the camp that I went to.
- [PHONE RINGS]
- Oh!
Uh Dispatch. Go for Emily.
Yes. Great. We will be right there.
Golden retriever on the
corner of 14th and Quincy.
Go, go, go, go!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Something's going on with this dog.
She's panting, shivering.
Mammary glands are enlarged.
I wish I had enlarged mammary glands.
Sorry, I am punchy. I'm
actually happy with my body.
I'm also happy with my body.
Yeah, Frank. We-we know.
Ooh.
What do we have here?
What?
Frank's up to 23 animals.
What? How?
He picked up a dog that
gave birth to five puppies.
[GRUNTS]
All right, I had a straight flush.
Did anyone anyone beat that?
[VICTORIA]. Okay.
We have to expose you to your fears
until you no longer
have a panic response.
I feel better already, so let's just
leave this room right away.
No, no, no, no. Here's the thing, Shred.
If you can carry the cat that bit you,
you can do anything.
- Yeah.
- She doesn't wanna hurt you.
- She doesn't?
- No.
Just breathe.
- Breathe.
- [SHRED EXHALES]
[EXHALES]
[CAT PURRS]
[VICTORIA] Oh, isn't she precious?
[SHRED] Aww.
And you're cured.
Yeah. I am.
This-this terror is a
cutie again somehow.
So cute.
[SHRED] Oh.
Hey. Not sure if you heard.
[BOTH] Turnkilt.
Okay, so we're gonna be
sticking with that nickname.
Good.
Safe to assume it was you guys who put
the canned tuna in my locker?
- T'was.
- Yeah.
You should see what we
did to your shower slippers.
Those were a gift.
Rain? Seriously?
I didn't take God for a Templeton guy.
We live in a world
where Templeton exists.
There is no God.
All right, they said
the lamb escaped from
the Woodland Park petting zoo.
I know I'm exhausted,
but if I were a lamb,
where would I be?
[LAMB BLEATING]
- [LAMB BLEATS]
- That's him.
Someday that electrical
box is gonna have a plaque
with my name on it.
Hi
[TEMPLETON ON RADIO]
Like a lamb to the slaughter,
I've led you to your own demise.
You're out of time.
Oh. Oh okay.
Okay, we're
[TEMPLETON] I heard seams ripping.
Did you yank my head
off? I'll never be silenced.
Okay, Templeton, you stop it right now.
This is your boss speaking.
Not for long. Byyye!
Uh are
Oh, wow. Oh.
I can't believe Templeton beat us.
We were so close.
I don't know, maybe Templeton should
just take over the precinct.
What?
I mean, he can't do
any worse than I have.
I feel like I've completely
flubbed this merger.
Coming from someone who hates himself,
you're being a little harsh on yourself.
Really? Because the
precinct is completely
dysfunctional right now.
I mean, we have moles, secret factions.
I formed a roof crew.
That's pretty much
a total leadership fail.
All right. For what it's worth,
I wasn't trying to stop
Templeton from taking your job
just because it's Templeton.
You're a good boss.
You don't have to say that.
No, you put up with so much nonsense.
I couldn't do it. I'd
probably murder someone.
Well, thank you. I could
easily cry right now,
but I know you hate
emotions, so I won't do it.
See? Good boss.
[ROOSTER CROWS]
[VEHICLE APPROACHING]
[TIRES SQUEAL] [VEHICLE HONKS]
Yes!
Start the truck, Emily!
Wow! You-you did it!
No, we did it.
Okay, that
last part probably
should've come from me.
We got 26 minutes to get
this guy back to the precinct.
My shortcut can get us there in 20.
Great, let's go!
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
We're outta gas.
- What?
- [TEMPLETON] You fell for
the second oldest trick in the book.
When you were
stumbling around that park,
Daisy drained your tank.
[DAISY] Sucked it right into my Civic.
[TEMPLETON] Looks like
another failure for Frank
and the two-two.
[EMILY GASPS]
[ROOSTER CLUCKS]
[VEHICLE APPROACHING]
[VEHICLE HONKING]
Is
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[ROOSTER CLUCKING]
You guys wanna win this
thing, or you gonna sit there
stroking your rooster?
Cock was right there, Patel.
How did you find us?
Templeton and Daisy forgot
to take me off the group chat.
Reverse betrayal.
Which erases my earlier betrayal, right?
No, it's an ongoing process. Out.
What? No, this is my mini
- Out.
- [EMILY] You heard the man.
I don't under
What are you Are you
Wait. Hold on, guys. Hey!
The green's re-sodded.
Sand trap's refilled.
You did it, Howard.
This par four is the one you're
gonna be remembered for.
[ENGINE ROARS]
This is for not letting my
Irish grandpa join your club!
Okay.
[SUSPENSEFUL STING]
[CAR HONKING]
[COUNTDOWN BEEPS]
[EXCITING MUSIC]
24!
[CHEERING]
- [CHEERING]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS]
[CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS]
You want one with my shirt off?
Again, no, this is for your
Officer of the Year nomination photo.
Keep 'em wanting more. Good idea.
Yeah.
Congratulations, Frank.
24 animals in 24 hours.
I suppose you'll be a worthy candidate.
If you're nominated.
Hopefully none of your
sexist posts resurface.
The Lindsay Lohan turns 18
countdown clock was my brother.
[TEMPLETON] Liar.
You guys look so stupid.
Almost worth missing the screening.
This mustache feels right.
Who are you supposed to be?
Taylor Lautner. He doesn't wear a shirt.
I don't wear a shirt.
Who the hell are you?
I'm baby Renesmee.
Okay, too much talking,
not enough movie.
Wait, Frank
you got a nomination.
- Officer of the Year?
- Yeah.
- Oh!
- [ALL CHEERING]
I got it? I got it!
[PATEL] Yes!
I wish I had a shirt to rip off.
That's so great. Sit down and shut up.
Guys? Okay? We're
starting the movie now.
Okay
Just turn that on.
That's the
Where is
I'm gonna kill that hamster.