Clarkson's Farm (2021) s04e06 Episode Script
Splurging
1
[theme music playing]
[birds chirping]
[piggy bank shattering]
["Blockbuster" by Sweet playing]
[Jeremy] We had now reached
the middle of July.
And under a canopy of blue skies,
the crops appeared
to be coming along nicely.
Soon then,
we'd all be rolling up our sleeves
and getting down
to the job of harvesting them.
Does anyone know the way?
There's got to be a way ♪
To blockbuster ♪
[Jeremy] I couldn't look forward to that,
though,
because I had to focus
on getting the pub open.
[Alan] Right, mate.
- [Jeremy] Right: jobs.
- Yes.
I wanna get it open
by the August Bank Holiday,
- end of August.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] All right?
So if we keep six weeks in our head.
And there are certain things.
- We're not gonna do much
- [Alan] No.
But there are certain things
we've gotta do.
For example, what we're standing on.
- [Alan] Repair the decking.
- I want it to look good.
[Alan] Yeah, it'll look brilliant.
[Jeremy] Yeah.
So we've got a nice area out here.
[Alan] Yes.
[Jeremy] The next job was water.
Because the survey had revealed
that if you drank it,
you'd very quickly
vomit yourself to death.
This is where the borehole is.
Yeah, there's a borehole down there.
And this is water, we've been told,
is poisonous.
Yeah, it's not
Well, it's got some disease in, ain't it?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- It's not drinkable.
We have to get the water sorted
before we can open the pub.
[Alan] Yeah, you can't use that.
[Jeremy] Alan suggested that instead,
we should tap into the main's pipe
that fed the farm across the road.
That's where the water main is,
in that field.
- Oh, is it? In here?
- [Alan] Yes.
[Jeremy] Oh, well,
that's not gonna be difficult to find.
[Alan] No. Easy. Two-minute job.
- [Jeremy] Disabled loos here.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] In front of the propane tank.
[Alan laughing]
[Jeremy] After going through
the interior jobs
Stud wall. Little bar.
Change that bar.
[Alan] Yes.
[Jeremy] We then got down to brass tacks.
Oh no, you're gonna say "how much" now,
ain't ya?
Well, I'm not worried about this.
This is peanuts.
What do you call "peanuts"?
Well, let's just say, let's just say
10,000 to 15,000 to put a brand-new
decking down here and tighten it up.
Okay.
- [Alan] Next?
- Water.
The water main, we're gonna
piss about that for a couple of days.
Let's just say £1,000
to get your water up here properly.
- Oh, that's not so bad.
- Not a big deal, is it?
- Next?
- Stud wall. And bar upstairs.
The bar and that stud wall,
I think it's about five grand up there.
That's easy.
- Next?
- [Jeremy] Bar downstairs.
[Alan] That's a bit different.
- [Jeremy] Yeah. What?
- Make a nice bar down there,
you wanna give me a budget
on that really.
- If you wanted to spend six, seven
- Yeah, no, exactly.
- I can work that one out.
- [Alan] Yeah.
So really,
it's sort of twenty to twenty-five.
- Yeah, 25,000.
- [Jeremy] We can make this pub
[Alan] Workable, yeah.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Whilst Alan's lads set about
demolishing the rotten decking,
He and I went to see
if any other jobs needed doing.
And instantly,
we ran into a welcome face.
[Jeremy] G-Dog!
[Gerald] Jeremy!
Alan!
The old general's back!
[Jeremy] What have you done to your hair?
[Alan laughing]
Did you only have five quid?
- No, I got it done for ten.
- [all laughing]
I have it, I have it
- But they didn't do the back.
- [Gerald] No.
No, over the top with the whole thing
and then the whole thing on
- On the top of that, yeah?
- [Alan] Yeah!
[Gerald] You know, this one's like
the age when I was about five years old.
Hey, listen, I'm glad you're here,
because this
[Gerald] Yeah?
[Jeremy] We just need
to get this rebuilt.
[Gerald] Yeah. I dunno.
The old 'n' still like that, though.
Do you remember this
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
You know, tricks you or something.
That's a long way
from Chadlington to here.
'Cause I was gonna say, you can have
everything from that in the cove,
I can always get 'em right.
They got an hole in it
so I could tell you perhaps.
I mean, I can't be on it as well, can I?
- Yeah. That would be good.
- [Gerald speaking indistinctly]
[Jeremy] So that's what
we've gotta get done.
[Gerald] Yeah.
We're just popping down there.
We'll be back in a minute.
- Yeah, okay.
- I'll see you in a bit.
- Lovely.
- Won't be long.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] With the pub
renovation underway,
I got back to the business
of providing it with food.
Endgame would eventually
have his own production line,
but I couldn't wait for that
to come on stream.
So I decided
to go to my first-ever cattle auction
and buy some cows.
[phone ringing]
- [Charlie on phone] Hello?
- Charlie?
Hi.
I'm just wondering,
how many cows do you think I should buy?
We need between six and seven.
Maybe eight.
Okay. Erm, so I'll get eight cows
And these are store cows? People will
Yeah, you don't want to buy store-store.
You wanna buy something that actually,
we can finish fairly quickly.
What? I literally don't know
what you mean. What does that mean?
We want something
that's only about two months away
- from being fat to slaughter.
- Right.
- Because, erm
- So a fat cow is ready to go?
- Yeah.
- A store cow is on its way
- to being ready to go?
- Correct.
- All right, thanks, Charlie.
- Good luck.
Bye. Thank you.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] I still wasn't totally sure
what Charlie was on about,
but there was no need to panic,
because Harriet had kindly agreed
to come along
and hold my hand.
But you don't drink coffee.
No. Tea.
I can't believe a Yorkshireman
doesn't drink tea.
I do drink tea.
[Jeremy] And we started
by going through the breeds on sale.
- Charolais and Angus.
- [Harriet] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] That any good?
- Yeah.
- These were run on moorland at altitude.
- [Harriet] Yeah.
So it's telling you
they're coming down, aren't they?
So you always want animals to come down
in altitude rather than going up.
Because say if you've got sheep
and it's been bred on high altitude,
it could go to lower altitude.
But if you had a lower-altitude sheep,
you wouldn't want to put it
on high altitude.
- Why not?
- Because it wouldn't survive.
It's not used to that altitude.
What, because the air is thin?
Yeah. It's just not used to it.
So sheep just die, don't they?
So if you put it somewhere with a higher
altitude it'll probably just drop dead.
- Belgian Blues, I read about those.
- [Harriet] Yes.
Last week.
There's something wrong with them.
What's wrong with them?
It was in The Times.
[Harriet sighs]
Foot and mouth, that's coming back round.
I don't know.
But that wouldn't just be
in Belgian Blues.
[Jeremy] Oh, here we are.
They're called XL Bully cows.
"A muscle-bound foreign cow,
dubbed the XL Bully,
could replace UK breeds
under secret research plans.
Belgian Blues can weigh
up to a 197 stone,
equal to a small rhino,
and are bred for extra meat.
But Belgian Blues have also been behind
a series of savage attacks.
Ex-Home Secretary David Blunkett,
who's blind,
- suffered three broken ribs"
- [Harriet sighs]
" as he protected his guide dog
from a charging cow in the Peak District.
'It was a massive European breed,
I could have been killed.'"
So Belgian Blues are dangerous.
You're not gonna buy in
anything nasty anyway.
[Jeremy] We then went to the pens
to look at the cows themselves.
- [Jeremy] Morning.
- [Harriet] Hiya.
[Jeremy] I love the adverts.
"Mobile sheep dipping."
"Slurry systems."
[Harriet] So
Look at the back on that, right?
That's what you're looking for.
It's a flat back like a tabletop,
ain't it?
[Jeremy] So we don't wanna see a spine.
We don't wanna see any bones.
You don't want them to be pot-bellied.
Urgh, that's the worst.
Yeah.
You don't want them to be pot-bellied.
You just want them to look muscley.
- [Jeremy] There?
- Yeah.
So you're gonna get your steaks
throughout it.
So what you want to be looking at
is the meat-to-fat ratio.
[country music]
[Jeremy] Following Harriet's advice,
I made a long shortlist of the cows
I thought Charlie would want me to get.
[Jeremy] Three, six
[Jeremy] And then,
I was given a crash course
in how to bid.
You need to play it by ear.
You know,
say he's starting off at £1,200,
don't bid,
because then they'll bid you up.
- [Jeremy] Who will?
- The other buyers.
'Cause they'll know you want them cows
'cause you've put in your bid.
So you wanna wait
until the last minute to put in your bid.
How do I know
when the last minute's coming?
'Cause when he's stuck at a number,
you'll know that it's not
going any further.
That's when you'll go
How do I go?
[Jeremy] That?
- Eyebrows.
- Don't bid on anything we don't want.
Because he'll take this as a gesture.
So you can't be going, like, putting
your hand up or itching your nose.
Oh, he'll think that's a?
He'll take that as you wanting to buy it.
All right.
And then we'll be going home
with twenty of the wrong cows.
[bell ringing]
[auctioneer] All right,
ladies and gentlemen, make a start.
- You see that TV up there?
- Yeah.
[Harriet] That's gonna tell you
what lot number you're on.
[Jeremy] Okay, good.
That's useful to know.
[Jeremy] And that was
the last thing I understood,
because at that moment,
the auctioneer started speaking.
1,060, 1,060, 1,070, 1,070, 1,080, 1,090,
1,100 for the bid,
1,100 for the bid, for the bid.
1,120, 1,120 for the bid,
1,130, 1,140, 1,140.
1,140, 1,150, 1,155.1,155,
1,160 for the bid, 1,160 for the bid.
At 1,180 for the bid, 1,185,
going now at 1,210.
1,215, 1,225,
at 1,220 for the bid, sold, sir. Name?
Not one word.
[Harriet laughing]
- Not one word.
- [Harriet] Twelve twenty-five, £1,225.
1,160 for the bid in Uttoxeter,
1,160 for the bid.
Does he talk like this to his wife
when he wants her to pass the marmalade?
I don't know. You should ask her.
[Jeremy chanting like the auctioneer]
You there, pass the marmalade.
Children, do your homework.
I'm going upstairs for a shit now,
and then I'm gonna wipe my bottom,
and then I'm gonna come downstairs,
and then we'll have our supper,
and then I'm gonna watch EastEnders,
and then I'm gonna
For the bid, 40 for the bid.
Sell, Showby, 1,240.
[Harriet] Right, these are good.
[auctioneer] That's the bid for 1,320.
1,350, 1,350, 1,350
Are you bidding?
[auctionneer] A hundred bid,
a hundred bid, at 1,600 now, ten!
1,610, 1,620, 1,620 bid, 1,620.
1,620, 1,620, bidding, and going,
the lady's bidding,
sell away at 1,620.
We got them. 1,620.
- I'm sorry, did you just buy them?
- [Harriet] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Well
[Harriet] 1,620.
So you've got two at 1,620.
234, 1,620.
How were you bidding?
Were you just letting
your toenails grow and he saw it?
I mean, I didn't see Oh, hello.
[Harriet] That's a nice beast.
[Jeremy] At this point,
I decided it was time to pull rank
I'm supposed to be bidding.
[Jeremy] And do some buying myself.
[auctioneer] 1,120.1,130.
1,130 for the bid.
[Harriet] I'm leaving you to it.
[auctioneer] £1,150.
- [Harriet] 1,150.
- [auctioneer] 1,150 for the bid.
Stop putting your hand up! 1,150.
[auctioneer] Nearly twice, nearly twice.
- [Jeremy] Did I buy that?
- [Harriet] You bought it twice, yeah.
You bid yourself up.
[Jeremy] Shit.
[rock music]
[auctioneer] Seventy bid, seventy bid,
seventy bid fifty
[Jeremy] Nevertheless,
I continued on my own.
1,270, Diddly Squat.
I'm pleased with that.
He's a good-looking cow.
[auctioneer] 10, 9, 10, 20 bid.
50 bid, 40 bid, and £940.
And 60
Did I buy those?
[Harriet] Yeah.
[auctioneer] 20 bid, 80 bid, and 90 bid,
and 90 bid, and 90,
and 100 bid, and 100 bid
[Jeremy] Until eventually
60, Diddly Squat, 1,260.
So, you've got one, two,
three, four, five, six
You've got eight.
- [Jeremy] So we're done.
- [Harriet] We're done.
[Jeremy] With the money handed over
and my cows being loaded,
I asked Harriet
to explain one last thing.
When I bought one of those cows,
- a man came over and gave me forty quid.
- Hm.
- Why did he do that?
- It's "luck money".
So when you buy someone's cows,
they give you "luck money"
as an incentive to buy them.
So it's cash money he's just given me?
- Yeah. No tax.
- I like him.
Well, there is now,
'cause I've just put it on television.
- HMRC are watching.
- We'll give it him back.
[Jeremy] Having said goodbye
to our part-time Diddly Squatter
- Take care of yourself.
- [Harriet] Yeah. See you later.
[Jeremy] I headed back to the farm
with my new cows
Come on, new cows.
[Jeremy] and waited for Charlie
to shower me with praise
for a job well done.
Check 'em out.
[Charlie] Those two limousines
are cracking. They're really good.
- [Charlie] They'll finish quite quickly.
- They're the ones Harriet bought.
- Who chose the other ones? Harriet?
- [Jeremy] I did.
Don't you think this one's pretty cool?
[Charlie] No, it hasn't got
a round rump on the back. It's bare.
[Jeremy] Oh.
What about that one?
Again.
What's the matter with that one?
They're not big enough yet.
They've got good frames,
but they need to pack some weight on.
[Jeremy] Oh.
[Charlie] There were some fat cattle
at the market.
- Yeah, but you said don't get fat ones.
- I said buy fat ones to you on the phone.
You said: "Get store-store cattle,
late store, not fat."
I said the first couple need to be
a month from being finished.
So if they'd have been fat,
they'd have been finished?
Oh, God, have I done it wrong?
Well, we've not done it right.
So we might be lucky
to finish
those brown ones by the end of August.
This one, probably six months.
No? Six months?
[Jeremy] Charlie said the only way to
get them ready for the pub more quickly
was to put them
on a high-intensity bulking-up diet.
You need to change this.
[Jeremy] Okay.
We're going to make you big, fat cows.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] While Charlie went off
to organise that,
I headed back to The Windmill
for my first meeting with Sue and Rachel.
You've got to look at it
as a machine here.
And we definitely want it to look great.
[voice fading out]
[Jeremy] Together, they specialise
in setting up pubs in the Cotswolds
and now I needed them
to get mine off the ground.
A much more immediate problem: I want
to get this place open in five weeks.
Well, obviously it's quite daunting.
It's not ideal, is it? But we'll do it.
[Jeremy] Sue then outlined how efficient
the operation would have to be.
You know, we're gonna seat or serve
150 people in here.
A hundred on the terrace.
Yeah.
- [Sue] Two, three, four times a day.
- Yeah.
So for every meal
that's coming out of that kitchen,
there's gotta be an efficient machine,
because the food has gotta whiz in,
everyone knows what they're instantly
doing with it, do it,
shove it out the front door.
[Jeremy] I then showed them the kitchen,
which, I assumed,
was already full of everything we'd need.
This back cook line, I think to do
the numbers that we're talking about,
needs to be vastly improved.
A new six burner. A chargrill.
[Sue] Probably a salamander grill
on the wall.
Definitely a salamander grill.
This Rational, we need another one of
at the other end of the kitchen.
[Jeremy] So you need two of those?
- How much is this?
- That's like a mega oven.
- How much is it?
- [Sue] Seven grand?
- What? For an oven?
- But it's a really amazing oven.
How can you possibly spend seven thousand
- on an oven?
- It's a chef's favourite toy.
How much do you think
we'd need to spend in here?
Well, if we're having brand-new kit
- Seventy-five to a hundred grand.
- A lot of money.
- Sorry, my ear's like
- [Rachel] Slash a bit of rented
[Sue laughs]
Yeah! It is a surprise, I know that.
- Seventy-five to a hundred
- [Rachel] It's a bad time for ears!
I'm sure you said a hundred thousand.
But we could probably halve that
for reconditioned.
- [Rachel] Less than fifty.
- Thirty-five to forty.
[Rachel] With a bit of reconditioned,
a little bit of not-of-spec.
And will that be able to do
carvery cooking at weekends?
Yeah.
So what goes in here then?
- We'd keep this, obviously.
- [Sue] This is prep, yeah.
- [Jeremy] Oh, so this is food prep?
- [Sue] Yeah.
It's really disgusting.
Look at this floor.
This is not new dirt, this is old dirt.
It's filthy.
Look in that fridge. It is disgusting.
[Rachel] Filthy.
[Sue] We've got to line
all these filthy walls.
It's cheap and cheerful.
It's just cladding.
You need to get a new fridge.
I mean, one of the things, you know
we're gonna put the shop in here.
- [Rachel] What?
- Lisa's shop.
We need that area.
We've got so much to store.
[Rachel] There's spare furniture,
spare glassware.
[Sue] No, no, no,
she can't have a shop in here.
The thing is, we do need
a lot of storage. We've got
- What storage?
- [Sue] Napkins, crisps.
[Rachel] Spare crockery, dry store.
Millions of glasses,
stacks of blue roll, loo rolls.
[Sue] Millions of things.
[Rachel] You need storage.
- This is what people don't see in pubs.
- No.
[Rachel] You see sort of
a smiley waitress pulling a pint.
That is about one per cent of it.
And the rest is mostly
Shit. Lisa's not gonna be
Stacking chemicals!
Shit.
[Sue] How are you gonna break it to her?
'Cause I don't think
I'll do what I always do.
I think of a solution
and then tell her the solution.
If I tell her the problem,
I'm beaten about the head and neck
with blunt instruments.
[sad music]
[Jeremy] After slotting that problem
into my mental microwave,
I went to find Alan
[Jeremy] Oh, man.
[Alan] God Almighty. Urgh.
[Jeremy] who'd messaged me to say
the pub's septic tank was full
and also broken.
- All right, chaps?
- [worker] All right, Jeremy.
[Alan] Hello, lads.
[Jeremy] What is all this shit?
[Alan] That's the fibreglass tank.
[worker] That's the baffle
that has collapsed inside.
[Alan] Go on over, Jeremy,
and have a look down 'em holes.
You have a look down there.
Oh my fucking
- [retching]
- [Alan laughing] I know!
[coughing and retching]
[Alan laughing]
[Jeremy vomiting]
[panting]
- [Alan] Unbelievable.
- [Jeremy] Oh, God.
Fuck me, man.
[worker] A lot of the problem
with this is grease.
That's what you can smell, grease.
[Alan] Is that what that is,
that sharpness?
- Grease?
- [Alan] That smells like shit to me.
That's probably what's collapsed
the baffle inside, the weight.
- [Jeremy] What's a baffle?
- The weight of it.
It separates the shit from the water.
- [Jeremy] Is he pumping it out now?
- [worker] Yeah.
- And that's going in your wagon up there?
- [worker] Yeah.
We're gonna put some new pipes in it
to make it work again.
Okay.
[Alan] You gotta bear in mind
this was the sixties or seventies.
Never been cleaned out a touch.
[Jeremy] That's been collecting
grease and shit for
Since the pub opened in the eighties.
But the tank was here beforehand.
- [Jeremy] Fifty-odd years.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] Oh, look.
Somebody's dropped it down the bog.
- [worker] It might still work.
- [Alan] "It might still work," he said!
[Jeremy] We've got a new telephone!
Oh my fucking God.
No, no, no, I don't believe it.
Shit.
He's in there. That man is in there.
[Alan] Yes!
- [Jeremy] How does he breathe?
- He's going on holiday tomorrow.
[both laughing]
- [all laughing]
- He's going to Greece tomorrow.
- But the trouble is
- He's going to Greece tomorrow!
Yeah, and he'll stink of grease
for a week now.
[Jeremy] So he could have done
any job in the world.
- [worker] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] But he went, "No."
But we've been in the shit all our life.
[Alan laughing]
Hi. You all right?
[Jeremy] Well, I'm better than you.
- Coming in?
- [Alan] Yeah, yeah
I'm too fat, mercifully.
[Alan] Unbelievable.
[Jeremy] Guys, you're amazing.
Amazing, amazing work.
["Baby Please Don't Go" by Them playing]
[Alan] There you go, boss.
[Jeremy] Over the following days,
work on the pub continued
at an industrious pace.
["Baby Please Don't Go" by Them
continues playing]
[Sue] But it is a shitty shithole
at the moment, isn't it?
[Jeremy] And in amongst
all the manual labour,
Sue tried to find a chef
Cooking
[Jeremy] And Lisa went shopping
for furniture.
[Lisa] I'm a big fan
of the French bistrot table.
This is a nice base as well. We could get
a piece of marble on there, couldn't we?
Gosh, what are you doing to me?
Look at this.
[Jeremy] I, meanwhile, had to prepare
the bulking-up diet for the new cows,
which first of all meant a trip over
to the Hawkstone brewery.
And how much do these weigh?
[Mark] Nearly a ton.
[Jeremy] where Mark the brewer
had boxed up
some suitable ingredients.
So what we've got in each of these
is what's called brewer's grain.
And that's a waste product
from the brewery.
Half a ton in this one,
half a ton in that one.
And then you take that over
and feed it to the cows.
And there's a circularity then.
So waste product feeds cows,
cows get fat, cows shit on field,
grow barley in field, bring it back here,
make it into beer.
It's just so sustainable.
I'm basically Greta Thunberg
but in wellies.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Back at the farm,
I met up with sous-chef Kaleb,
so we could start making the cows
their mega meals.
So this mixed up with the barley
that we couldn't sell last year
'cause it wasn't good enough for beer.
- [Kaleb] Literally roll that, though.
- Roll it.
- And then molasses.
- Yeah.
For that treacly taste.
- To make this stuff palatable for them.
- Yeah.
And then the waste product
from making our vegetable oil.
Yeah.
Or How's this for an idea:
why don't we just buy them
a Wetherspoons' breakfast every day?
[rock music]
[Jeremy] In order
to get the cow catering underway,
Charlie had ordered in
a giant rural Magimix.
[Kaleb] Hiya. How're you doing, mate?
Yeah, good. How are you? James.
- Hi, there. Jeremy. How are you?
- James. How are you doing?
[James] So it's like a big hoover.
Suck your barley in,
suck your rape meal in, mixes it all up,
then it all goes in the centre.
Oh, it mixes it in there?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then I've got minerals and molasses
to go in as well.
[machine whirring]
[soft country music]
[Jeremy] That is so satisfying.
[Kaleb] I could do this all day.
- Shall I break it up a bit?
- [James] Yeah.
I love the idea of cooking with a lorry.
Gordon Ramsay,
Marco Pierre White,
Angus Steakhouse,
they don't cook with lorries.
[soft country music]
And there it is.
Cow food.
[Jeremy] At feeding time,
later that afternoon,
we added in the brewer's grain
You just sprinkle that
over the top like this.
[Jeremy] And dinner was served.
[Jeremy] Moo cows!
This is it.
Mmm! Delicious!
Look!
Yes, look at that. Eat it up.
Look! Look!
How delicious is that
with the molasses in it?
I can see them getting fatter and fatter.
[Kaleb] They love it, look.
They really do love it.
[mooing]
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Over at the pub,
nearly every surface you could walk on
was out of bounds.
So I headed outside
to clear the undergrowth
with my favourite companion.
[engine revving]
[Jeremy] There you go!
Yes! The emotional support unit is back!
And he's hungry.
[revving]
[Jeremy] Sadly though, my therapy session
was cut short by Sue and Rachel
who called me in for an urgent chat.
Well, first on our list,
covering the deck with some jumbrellas.
We needed to sign it off
about forty minutes ago
to guarantee the jumbrellas
arriving in time.
How much are the jumbrellas?
These are the big umbrellas, yeah?
Yeah, three enormous umbrellas
to cover the entire deck.
Yeah?
Approximately £40,000.
Including electrics,
lighting,
future proofing, ready for three-phase
if we ever get it.
[Rachel] We have spoken to Alan about it,
but not installation.
Sorry. You're saying words.
Forty thousand for three umbrellas?
- Yeah.
- They're massive. Eight metres.
£40,000 for three umbrellas?
[Rachel] Yeah.
If you didn't cover the terrace
and it was raining, no one can eat there.
No, I'm well aware
that we need umbrellas, I know that,
but I really genuinely believe
that's nuts.
What we were trying to avoid
was having
Because we could cover that deck
a lot more cheaply
with more of a parasol-type situation.
- Yeah.
- [Rachel] But given the size of the deck,
we would need probably fifty.
So it would sort of just look like
a sea of umbrellas.
Plus the table's probably that shape.
The brolly's round in the middle.
A lovely bit of sun, no probs.
So Sue's getting soaking wet. I'm okay.
- Rachel's in. You're wet.
- Yeah.
- [Sue] End of.
- How have I reached this point in life?
[Sue] Have you come round to the brollies
now you've said it?
No, I just cannot believe I'm 64
and somebody's just said to me,
in all seriousness:
"Oh, by the way,
the umbrellas are forty thousand."
- You can buy a fucking Golf GTI for that.
- [Sue] Did you sort of hope
that the purchase of the pub
might be the big one?
I just thought I'd put a new bar in
and open it up.
That's probably the one thing
you don't really need. That bar's fine.
[Jeremy] Erm
[Sue] We haven't told you
how much the furniture is yet.
- Yeah.
- Lisa saw some lovely stuff.
- [Rachel] Really good choices.
- Yeah, and how much?
- Forty thousand.
- Yeah.
Okay, where are we on the umbrellas?
You're gonna have to give me an hour
to think about it.
[Rachel] Okay, fine.
[Jeremy] With the budget
being blown to smithereens,
I went outside
to have a catch-up with Alan.
- This is amazing this stuff, isn't it?
- [Alan] It's brilliant, innit?
And you try it, look.
[Jeremy] You really can't fall over,
can you?
[Alan] No. Well, unless you're pissed.
Right, do you want the good news
or the bad? I know it's a beautiful view.
What?
[Alan] It's fucking gone up double,
ain't it?
- What has?
- This. Over double. 'Cause of that.
- [Jeremy] What?
- Yeah. I'm sorry.
- You're kidding.
- [Alan laughing] No! No, I'm not kidding.
It's gonna be over forty thousand now,
from the twenty.
But look, we've got no option.
They said anti-slip decking.
We cannot do it
without this kind of stuff, look.
- [Jeremy] And that adds £20,000?
- [Alan] Yeah.
- Yeah, it's
- [Jeremy] What? That?
It's gonna add about sixteen,
plus the labour's extra,
plus everything's extra.
The blades, you can't cut it,
I had to keep buying blades.
Right, well, okay.
That settles this umbrella debate.
You know these forty
Yeah, we're not having 'em. None of that.
[Jeremy] No, but hold on a minute.
You know those sails
that you get coming off buildings?
If you ran them from between
Oh, I'll show you actually.
If you ran the sails
If you mounted them
between the top of the door
- and the drainpipe
- [Alan] Yes.
If you put a slope on them
No, I'd go up. And I'd put a pole here.
You can go up, then go again.
[Jeremy] To be honest,
they've just put a sort of tented
arrangement up at the Three Horseshoes.
Have they?
We gotta get 'em here and have a look,
haven't we? See what they can do.
[Jeremy] Yeah.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Clearly,
the notion of opening the pub for £25,000
had been massively wide of the mark.
But there was no time to dwell on that,
because in my new role
as human ping-pong ball,
I had to bounce back to the farm
where we'd just had
a new crop of piglets.
Holy shit!
- [Lisa] Has she kept them all?
- An army of them.
[Lisa] One, two,
- three, four, five.
- You wouldn't be able to count them.
[Lisa] Six, seven, eight, nine
and then one under there, ten.
- [Jeremy] No casualties.
- [Lisa] Wow!
Look at the way they just climb all over!
Oh, my God, they're so cute.
[Kaleb] She's a great mum, though,
isn't she?
[Jeremy] I can't believe it.
This is tremendous news.
[Jeremy] Then we went over
to see Richard Ham
because Dilwyn the vet had come up
with a new plan for looking after him.
So here's the situation.
Richard Ham's now old enough
to start having a go on his sisters
so we have
to put him back in the boy pen.
[Lisa] Good.
But Dilwyn says if we put him
straight in the boy pen,
they'll beat him up.
They might even kill him.
[Lisa sighs] Oh.
[Jeremy] So he said
the only way round that
is to build a little pen,
which I've done here,
and then
for company, give him the smallest boy,
and Richard Ham and his friend
can live together in here and they bond,
then after a week we can release them
and hopefully all will be well.
Okay.
[Jeremy] All right, Richard?
[Lisa] There's Richard Ham. Perfect.
Oh, well done, K.
[Jeremy] So now, Ham is in there, okay?
Let's just see
[Kaleb] He'll be fine.
[Jeremy] Yeah, so these two
will become friends.
Then after a week,
we put them back in here
and that one will protect Richard Ham
from being beaten up.
The thing about Richard Ham
- is he's such a cheerful little fellow.
- [Lisa] I know.
[Jeremy] He hasn't started riding a
motorcycle yet or having fights in pubs.
[Lisa] I love his little monocle.
- [Kaleb laughing]
- But he will.
[Lisa] They seem to be perfectly happy.
That one looks like a nice-natured pig.
[Kaleb] Erm
- [Kaleb] Oh! Problem!
- [Jeremy] Oh! What's?
[Lisa] Ow
[Jeremy] Richard!
- [Lisa] He's just standing there.
- [Jeremy] It's his brother!
It's his brother and he's supposed
to be in there to make Richard safe.
[laughing] Oh my God.
I've never seen that before!
[Jeremy] Deliverance was wrong.
Piggies don't squeal.
[Kaleb] He's just finished up.
[Lisa] Okay, look, Jeremy.
I think he's gonna get gang raped
if he stays with any of the boys.
Well, he can't go with the girls.
Well, at least
he's not gonna get pregnant.
[Lisa] Well, we haven't really cured
anything here.
[Jeremy] We have to call Dilwyn.
- [Lisa] Well, what are you gonna say?
- I'm gonna say, "What shall I do?"
There's a thing, yeah.
Have you ever heard of a freemartin?
[Jeremy] No.
You've never heard of a freemartin?
So basically, if a cow has twins in it
- [Lisa] Yeah.
- It gives birth to one boy, one girl.
- [Lisa] Yeah?
- The girl comes out
not knowing what sex it is.
Now, what I'm saying is
that little boy there
moved his tail to one side
thinking it was a girl.
So I wonder
if it could actually be trans.
What, we've got trans pigs?
This is like being in a Labour Party
executive committee meeting now.
[Kaleb] There's a thing.
Can we be farmers just for a minute?
- He's got a point.
- I am being a farmer.
This is what happens.
Like, I was once working on a farm, yeah?
[Jeremy] As Professor Cooper
chuntered on
[Kaleb] It basically had
a penis and a vagina.
[Jeremy] Richard Ham
made another Houdini move
and escaped into the main pen
with all his brothers and cousins.
So, I got on the phone with Dilwyn.
So Richard Ham,
I did as you suggested.
I built a little pen
in the corner of the boy pen for him,
got another boar, put it in there,
then put Richard Ham in with that boy.
- [Dilwyn] Yeah?
- And within a minute,
the other boar brutally raped him.
Right.
I think basically they were just being
adolescent boys, aren't they really?
And they just, er
No, well, no.
Dilwyn,
I don't know how things were in Wales
but in Yorkshire I never thought:
"Oh, well"
No, at no point did it cross my mind.
And now Richard Ham was now
with all the other boars.
And is he getting beaten up over there?
No, not yet, but
The way that I would do it with him:
wait and see what happens
now he's with the big group.
'Cause if he's okay with the big group,
that's your problem sorted really.
[Jeremy] All right.
- Thanks, mate. Cheers. Bye, bye.
- Okay. Bye.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Fortunately, my next animal job
was much more straightforward
because it involved the goats,
who for the last few weeks
had been in their training pasture
getting used
to their hi-tech invisible fence.
Right, here's the pasture, okay?
This is where they are.
There you go, look.
That Elon's death ray is keeping them
where we want them to be.
Right, come on, goats.
- [Lizzie] Are you ready?
- I'm ready.
[Jeremy] Now they were fully compliant,
though,
I could release them to do the job
I'd bought them for in the first place.
[Jeremy] Come on, goats.
Come on, goats.
[Jeremy] Which was to clear the brambles
in all the inaccessible parts
of the farm.
[Kaleb] It turns out goats
are really good on a hill.
That's kind of the point!
[Lizzie] So this is it.
Now we're on Operation Clear, where
we would never ever be able to fence.
[Jeremy] Look at that in there.
- [Kaleb] They're ravenous, aren't they?
- [Jeremy] That is just goat paradise.
[Kaleb] How much of the area
have they got here then?
- [Jeremy] Well
- [Lizzie] Look at the app.
- [Kaleb] I don't have the app.
- I've got it.
It's a bit less than an acre.
A hectare rather.
[Lizzie] Yeah, yeah, no, 'cause you want
them to just graze certain areas down
and then move them through.
So it's like mob grazing.
[Jeremy] But this is what we got them
for, is to nail these brambles.
And within, what, five minutes,
that bramble bush is really in trouble.
That's fantastic.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Apart from making
the new cows fatter,
there were no more
immediate animal-management demands.
So, I turned my attention
back to The Windmill,
where I'd had a brainwave.
[Alan] It's only about ten to fifteen mil
out of square.
[Jeremy] In order to highlight
my pub's connection to farming,
I would hang
an old tractor from the ceiling.
First, though,
I wanted to get it modified.
Okay, I've got the tractor
and now I need to get it
chromed and lightened.
And I always think
when you've got a job like that,
you're better off giving it
to a little man in a village.
So I've come to a village hundreds
and hundreds of miles from civilisation
where there's a very little man
who's going to do the work for me.
There he is.
Mate!
[Richard Hammond] Hello! Welcome.
This is This is it?
[Jeremy] Yeah.
- [Richard] That's a 35.
- I know it is.
[Richard] That's a really nice tractor.
This, of course, where you live,
is called "modern", isn't it?
[both laughing]
- Out here, it's a fine thing!
- People going:
"Look at this.
Is that internal combustion?"
- We have worse than this turn up.
- [Welsh accent] "Now look 'ere."
We have worse than this turn up
for restoration. We're not Welsh.
- [Jeremy] It is Wales.
- It's not Wales.
I crossed the M5 about four hours ago.
- The M5 isn't the boundary.
- It is the bor
- It isn't.
- It is.
It's not Welsh people
on one side of the M5
and English with bows
and arrows on the other.
Well, it is.
[Jeremy] Once we'd sorted out several
hundred years of politics and geography,
we got back to my tractor.
So we've gotta get it down
to under 750 kilograms
or I'll pull the roof down.
[Richard] If we take
all the internals out, everything,
prop shafts, everything
And then chrome the bonnet
and the wheel arches.
Which bits do you want to chrome?
The red bits.
Oh, right.
So you don't wanna chrome all these bits?
[Jeremy] No.
- [Richard softly] Yeah!
- I think that should be Hammerite.
- Black?
- Well, you know, that
Is it Hammerite?
- Hammerite is
- It's your world, this.
- Yeah, it is!
- Yes, I know.
This is so weird!
That's your world now
and that's my world now.
Now, you've gotta get this done
before panto season starts.
Does that mean the cust [laughing]
So when are you off to Swindon?
- I'm not going to I'm not.
- You are. You are.
- You know you're in the show?
- [Richard] In what way?
[Jeremy] Oh, in a big way.
Well, how can I be in it?
I haven't done anything in it.
[Jeremy] No, you have,
but you just don't know you have.
Your contribution is immense,
I've gotta be honest with you.
Immense and in some ways
[mumbling] not dignified.
[Richard] Right.
[Jeremy] Once the tractor was off,
the conversation turned
to my least favourite topic.
[Richard] Right, do you wanna talk
prices and budget?
- We can do.
- It's filthy money.
On that pub,
everything costs too much money.
- Good. Well, we can keep up with that.
- Yeah.
I mean, are we talking hundreds,
thousands, tens of thousands or millions?
[worker] Tens of thousands.
- Tens?
- Probably be up to about twenty.
No? Twenty? What, to chrome it? What?
Yeah, to strip it all down,
take all the gubbins out from the inside.
That'll have to be machined.
I could have done it.
£20,000 to paint a tractor?
Well, the point is, as your bank balance
is taking a bit of a beating,
let's keep it going.
Why give up? Then it'll have time
to strengthen like that
and then it'll be resistant, and it'll be
harder to get anything out of it.
Whereas now, it's floppy and weak.
- Be sensible. Be sensible.
- [Richard] Wounded.
Otherwise I will be on the front row
at the Wyvern.
[Richard] I'm not doing that.
And I will be making observations
about your performance as Buttons.
I'm not doing panto.
How much is the paint?
The paint's gonna be at least
three grand a litre.
- [Jeremy and Richard] A litre?
- A litre for chrome paint, yeah.
Why didn't you tell me before I set off
that it was going to be more than the GDP
of most European countries?
Because then you might not have come.
- I wouldn't have come.
- You have and you've brought the tractor.
So basically,
you've lowered your plums into my vice.
And I've nipped it up a little bit.
And now
If this was a normal farmer coming,
then you wouldn't be saying £20,000.
Well, what normal farmer
would chrome his tractor, you pillock!
[laughing]
Erm
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Since we were now
only five weeks from opening,
I was forced to agree to Buttons' terms.
On the good-news front though,
Sue and Rachel had found me a chef.
His name was Nick, and like them,
he had vast experience
of getting pubs up and running.
- [Jeremy] How many pubs have you opened?
- Ten.
- So you've got a place in Stratford?
- Yeah.
But you can come and help us
get this one going?
Oh yeah, a hundred per cent.
The place in Stratford runs
Er, it runs with just me overseeing.
At the moment
[Jeremy] Worryingly, Nick then
pointed out that getting my pub open
would be harder than any of the others
he'd done in the past.
What fills me with living dread
is the initial conversation
I had with you,
is you have seventeen cows,
you wanna sell them in the pub.
It's how we sell those cows.
What?
We can't sell them
in all of their constituent parts.
Why can't we just, erm
If you're gonna serve 300,
350 people here in one day,
we can't hold
- twenty portions of shin of beef
- So you can't do beef heart, ox tongue?
Twenty portions
We end up with a menu of a hundred dishes
which is like completely unachievable.
So on a regular rolling basis,
we need to be serving one cut from a cow.
Now, what are you doing
with the rest of the cow?
Hold on. Oh, my God al-fucking-mighty.
This is complicated.
So if we slaughter a cow,
take it to the butcher's
What I'd want is parts of that cow
in large quantities
for a finite period of time.
For one week we'd be serving rump steaks,
so for that week,
all I want are rump steaks.
The following week,
we can change the menu, we can switch.
We can move on to a sort
of slow-cooked feather blade of beef.
But again, all I want for a week
is the feather-blade cut.
The kitchen operation has to be simple.
People need to be served
reasonably quickly,
both for their own enjoyment,
but also for your business.
- [Jeremy] To turn, yeah.
- You feed people, you turn the table.
This has really worried me now.
Because I thought if we got
fifty farmers round the country,
we say: "We'll take your beef."
Yeah?
We'd have enough
to feed fifty thousand people.
But what we're actually doing
is only taking one thing.
I mean, at the farm shop with
the burger van, we just mince everything.
- [Nick] Yeah.
- Fillet, the whole lot goes in there.
Which is not
commercially viable in a pub.
Nobody who owns a pub anywhere
is mincing a fillet.
- It's commercial suicide.
- Fuck's sake.
And then, but what actually
do you do with the rest of the cow?
[Nick] Exactly. Well, that
To a certain extent that's not
my problem, that's your problem,
because this is your idea
of how to run the business.
Ah, but it's my idea based on
absolutely no knowledge whatsoever.
It's becoming clear.
The concept of serving
the nose to tail of your cows in this pub
does not work.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] So, two weeks earlier,
Sue and Rachel had given me
a big problem.
You know we're gonna put
the shop in here?
- What?
- Lisa's shop.
We need that area.
We've got so much to store.
[Jeremy] And now Nick
had handed me one that was even bigger.
[tense music continues]
I urgently needed
to sort these things out,
but I didn't have time.
[Kaleb] In you get. Go on.
[Jeremy] Because I had to get back
to the farm to weigh the cows.
[Kaleb] This is the weigh scales then,
and you've set it up.
[Jeremy] To make sure their new diet
was making them fatter.
Start session. Look.
[Jeremy] What's the ideal
slaughter weight for them?
- [Kaleb] Roughly between about six-fifty.
- Oh, okay.
Here we go.
[Kaleb] Go on, then.
- [Jeremy] What's the ear tag?
- [Kaleb] 105 386.
And that one weighs
- [Jeremy] He's lost weight.
- [Kaleb] Hey?
[Jeremy] As the weighing went on,
I realised this wasn't a one-off.
What was the weight?
[Kaleb] Four six two.
[Jeremy] He's lost two kilograms.
[Kaleb] Fucking hell.
Go on.
[Kaleb clucking]
472 kg.
[Jeremy] Right,
that's lost four kilograms.
Why are they losing weight?
There we go.
- [machine beeping]
- [Kaleb] Four ninety.
[Jeremy] That's only put on 1 kg.
Fifteen days he's put on one kilogram.
[Kaleb] Oh, shitting hell.
- [Jeremy] Minus 7?
- Minus 14 there, look.
[Kaleb] Go on.
[Jeremy] Nobody's gonna be eating these
any time soon.
[Kaleb] No. That's not good.
[Jeremy] What are we gonna do with you?
[mooing]
They've worked out that
if they get fat they go off to market.
So they've given themselves bulimia.
Shit.
[Jeremy] It turned out that shit
actually was the issue,
because Dilwyn said their new superfood
was giving them diarrhoea.
[Dilwyn] You're giving them
too much high-powered food
and it's just basically
going straight through them.
So it's like me having a vindaloo really.
What you're feeding them
isn't doing any good,
'cause it comes straight
out the backside.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Then, with the harvest looming,
we went on a crop walk.
And that was a disaster as well.
[Charlie] Oh, my God.
- [Jeremy] Is that a slug?
- [Kaleb] Oh, shit.
No.
- [Kaleb] That's not good.
- That is not good.
You've got ergot in your wheat.
That is a hallucinogenic fungus
growing in the wheat.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Bravely,
I left Kaleb and Charlie
to deal with the LSD in our wheat
and our bulimic cows
and went back to the pub
to sit in the sunshine
with a glass of thinking juice
to sort out the problems there.
[birds chirping]
And eventually, I had a brainwave.
Tent!
[Jeremy] What was needed
was an urgent call
to The Grand Tour's Mr Wilman.
I call him "Reg". Don't ask why.
- [Mr Wilman] Hello?
- Reg?
Yeah?
Erm
You know The Grand Tour tent?
Yeah?
Do you know where it is?
Well, it's in a warehouse.
I mean, it's tucked away in a warehouse.
I mean, we can't get rid of it.
[suspenseful music]
[Jeremy] With the vast Grand Tour tent
erected on the pub's lawn,
we'd not only have
somewhere for Lisa's shop,
but also space for a butcher's
and Annie's burger van,
so I could sell the cuts of meat
not needed in the pub's kitchen.
We can then transfer it to there
and there, all in the same operation.
- Yeah.
- So when a cow comes here,
all of it is used.
This is the right direction, definitely.
- [Jeremy] What I'm saying?
- Yeah.
That is good, yes.
[suspenseful music continues]
[lorry honking]
[Jeremy] The Grand Tour tent!
That's a shitload of tent.
[Alan] Fucking hell.
Is that the whole thing?
- No, there's another load to come.
- [Jeremy] What?
[lorry driver] All right, keep coming!
[suspenseful music continues]
[Jeremy] Now, just four weeks
before opening,
we were finally back on track.
[rock music]
Check it out!
Here we go.
[Simon] We're off.
How do you feel about
an antler chandelier in the carvery room?
[rock music]
[theme music playing]
[birds chirping]
[piggy bank shattering]
["Blockbuster" by Sweet playing]
[Jeremy] We had now reached
the middle of July.
And under a canopy of blue skies,
the crops appeared
to be coming along nicely.
Soon then,
we'd all be rolling up our sleeves
and getting down
to the job of harvesting them.
Does anyone know the way?
There's got to be a way ♪
To blockbuster ♪
[Jeremy] I couldn't look forward to that,
though,
because I had to focus
on getting the pub open.
[Alan] Right, mate.
- [Jeremy] Right: jobs.
- Yes.
I wanna get it open
by the August Bank Holiday,
- end of August.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] All right?
So if we keep six weeks in our head.
And there are certain things.
- We're not gonna do much
- [Alan] No.
But there are certain things
we've gotta do.
For example, what we're standing on.
- [Alan] Repair the decking.
- I want it to look good.
[Alan] Yeah, it'll look brilliant.
[Jeremy] Yeah.
So we've got a nice area out here.
[Alan] Yes.
[Jeremy] The next job was water.
Because the survey had revealed
that if you drank it,
you'd very quickly
vomit yourself to death.
This is where the borehole is.
Yeah, there's a borehole down there.
And this is water, we've been told,
is poisonous.
Yeah, it's not
Well, it's got some disease in, ain't it?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- It's not drinkable.
We have to get the water sorted
before we can open the pub.
[Alan] Yeah, you can't use that.
[Jeremy] Alan suggested that instead,
we should tap into the main's pipe
that fed the farm across the road.
That's where the water main is,
in that field.
- Oh, is it? In here?
- [Alan] Yes.
[Jeremy] Oh, well,
that's not gonna be difficult to find.
[Alan] No. Easy. Two-minute job.
- [Jeremy] Disabled loos here.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] In front of the propane tank.
[Alan laughing]
[Jeremy] After going through
the interior jobs
Stud wall. Little bar.
Change that bar.
[Alan] Yes.
[Jeremy] We then got down to brass tacks.
Oh no, you're gonna say "how much" now,
ain't ya?
Well, I'm not worried about this.
This is peanuts.
What do you call "peanuts"?
Well, let's just say, let's just say
10,000 to 15,000 to put a brand-new
decking down here and tighten it up.
Okay.
- [Alan] Next?
- Water.
The water main, we're gonna
piss about that for a couple of days.
Let's just say £1,000
to get your water up here properly.
- Oh, that's not so bad.
- Not a big deal, is it?
- Next?
- Stud wall. And bar upstairs.
The bar and that stud wall,
I think it's about five grand up there.
That's easy.
- Next?
- [Jeremy] Bar downstairs.
[Alan] That's a bit different.
- [Jeremy] Yeah. What?
- Make a nice bar down there,
you wanna give me a budget
on that really.
- If you wanted to spend six, seven
- Yeah, no, exactly.
- I can work that one out.
- [Alan] Yeah.
So really,
it's sort of twenty to twenty-five.
- Yeah, 25,000.
- [Jeremy] We can make this pub
[Alan] Workable, yeah.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Whilst Alan's lads set about
demolishing the rotten decking,
He and I went to see
if any other jobs needed doing.
And instantly,
we ran into a welcome face.
[Jeremy] G-Dog!
[Gerald] Jeremy!
Alan!
The old general's back!
[Jeremy] What have you done to your hair?
[Alan laughing]
Did you only have five quid?
- No, I got it done for ten.
- [all laughing]
I have it, I have it
- But they didn't do the back.
- [Gerald] No.
No, over the top with the whole thing
and then the whole thing on
- On the top of that, yeah?
- [Alan] Yeah!
[Gerald] You know, this one's like
the age when I was about five years old.
Hey, listen, I'm glad you're here,
because this
[Gerald] Yeah?
[Jeremy] We just need
to get this rebuilt.
[Gerald] Yeah. I dunno.
The old 'n' still like that, though.
Do you remember this
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
You know, tricks you or something.
That's a long way
from Chadlington to here.
'Cause I was gonna say, you can have
everything from that in the cove,
I can always get 'em right.
They got an hole in it
so I could tell you perhaps.
I mean, I can't be on it as well, can I?
- Yeah. That would be good.
- [Gerald speaking indistinctly]
[Jeremy] So that's what
we've gotta get done.
[Gerald] Yeah.
We're just popping down there.
We'll be back in a minute.
- Yeah, okay.
- I'll see you in a bit.
- Lovely.
- Won't be long.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] With the pub
renovation underway,
I got back to the business
of providing it with food.
Endgame would eventually
have his own production line,
but I couldn't wait for that
to come on stream.
So I decided
to go to my first-ever cattle auction
and buy some cows.
[phone ringing]
- [Charlie on phone] Hello?
- Charlie?
Hi.
I'm just wondering,
how many cows do you think I should buy?
We need between six and seven.
Maybe eight.
Okay. Erm, so I'll get eight cows
And these are store cows? People will
Yeah, you don't want to buy store-store.
You wanna buy something that actually,
we can finish fairly quickly.
What? I literally don't know
what you mean. What does that mean?
We want something
that's only about two months away
- from being fat to slaughter.
- Right.
- Because, erm
- So a fat cow is ready to go?
- Yeah.
- A store cow is on its way
- to being ready to go?
- Correct.
- All right, thanks, Charlie.
- Good luck.
Bye. Thank you.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] I still wasn't totally sure
what Charlie was on about,
but there was no need to panic,
because Harriet had kindly agreed
to come along
and hold my hand.
But you don't drink coffee.
No. Tea.
I can't believe a Yorkshireman
doesn't drink tea.
I do drink tea.
[Jeremy] And we started
by going through the breeds on sale.
- Charolais and Angus.
- [Harriet] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] That any good?
- Yeah.
- These were run on moorland at altitude.
- [Harriet] Yeah.
So it's telling you
they're coming down, aren't they?
So you always want animals to come down
in altitude rather than going up.
Because say if you've got sheep
and it's been bred on high altitude,
it could go to lower altitude.
But if you had a lower-altitude sheep,
you wouldn't want to put it
on high altitude.
- Why not?
- Because it wouldn't survive.
It's not used to that altitude.
What, because the air is thin?
Yeah. It's just not used to it.
So sheep just die, don't they?
So if you put it somewhere with a higher
altitude it'll probably just drop dead.
- Belgian Blues, I read about those.
- [Harriet] Yes.
Last week.
There's something wrong with them.
What's wrong with them?
It was in The Times.
[Harriet sighs]
Foot and mouth, that's coming back round.
I don't know.
But that wouldn't just be
in Belgian Blues.
[Jeremy] Oh, here we are.
They're called XL Bully cows.
"A muscle-bound foreign cow,
dubbed the XL Bully,
could replace UK breeds
under secret research plans.
Belgian Blues can weigh
up to a 197 stone,
equal to a small rhino,
and are bred for extra meat.
But Belgian Blues have also been behind
a series of savage attacks.
Ex-Home Secretary David Blunkett,
who's blind,
- suffered three broken ribs"
- [Harriet sighs]
" as he protected his guide dog
from a charging cow in the Peak District.
'It was a massive European breed,
I could have been killed.'"
So Belgian Blues are dangerous.
You're not gonna buy in
anything nasty anyway.
[Jeremy] We then went to the pens
to look at the cows themselves.
- [Jeremy] Morning.
- [Harriet] Hiya.
[Jeremy] I love the adverts.
"Mobile sheep dipping."
"Slurry systems."
[Harriet] So
Look at the back on that, right?
That's what you're looking for.
It's a flat back like a tabletop,
ain't it?
[Jeremy] So we don't wanna see a spine.
We don't wanna see any bones.
You don't want them to be pot-bellied.
Urgh, that's the worst.
Yeah.
You don't want them to be pot-bellied.
You just want them to look muscley.
- [Jeremy] There?
- Yeah.
So you're gonna get your steaks
throughout it.
So what you want to be looking at
is the meat-to-fat ratio.
[country music]
[Jeremy] Following Harriet's advice,
I made a long shortlist of the cows
I thought Charlie would want me to get.
[Jeremy] Three, six
[Jeremy] And then,
I was given a crash course
in how to bid.
You need to play it by ear.
You know,
say he's starting off at £1,200,
don't bid,
because then they'll bid you up.
- [Jeremy] Who will?
- The other buyers.
'Cause they'll know you want them cows
'cause you've put in your bid.
So you wanna wait
until the last minute to put in your bid.
How do I know
when the last minute's coming?
'Cause when he's stuck at a number,
you'll know that it's not
going any further.
That's when you'll go
How do I go?
[Jeremy] That?
- Eyebrows.
- Don't bid on anything we don't want.
Because he'll take this as a gesture.
So you can't be going, like, putting
your hand up or itching your nose.
Oh, he'll think that's a?
He'll take that as you wanting to buy it.
All right.
And then we'll be going home
with twenty of the wrong cows.
[bell ringing]
[auctioneer] All right,
ladies and gentlemen, make a start.
- You see that TV up there?
- Yeah.
[Harriet] That's gonna tell you
what lot number you're on.
[Jeremy] Okay, good.
That's useful to know.
[Jeremy] And that was
the last thing I understood,
because at that moment,
the auctioneer started speaking.
1,060, 1,060, 1,070, 1,070, 1,080, 1,090,
1,100 for the bid,
1,100 for the bid, for the bid.
1,120, 1,120 for the bid,
1,130, 1,140, 1,140.
1,140, 1,150, 1,155.1,155,
1,160 for the bid, 1,160 for the bid.
At 1,180 for the bid, 1,185,
going now at 1,210.
1,215, 1,225,
at 1,220 for the bid, sold, sir. Name?
Not one word.
[Harriet laughing]
- Not one word.
- [Harriet] Twelve twenty-five, £1,225.
1,160 for the bid in Uttoxeter,
1,160 for the bid.
Does he talk like this to his wife
when he wants her to pass the marmalade?
I don't know. You should ask her.
[Jeremy chanting like the auctioneer]
You there, pass the marmalade.
Children, do your homework.
I'm going upstairs for a shit now,
and then I'm gonna wipe my bottom,
and then I'm gonna come downstairs,
and then we'll have our supper,
and then I'm gonna watch EastEnders,
and then I'm gonna
For the bid, 40 for the bid.
Sell, Showby, 1,240.
[Harriet] Right, these are good.
[auctioneer] That's the bid for 1,320.
1,350, 1,350, 1,350
Are you bidding?
[auctionneer] A hundred bid,
a hundred bid, at 1,600 now, ten!
1,610, 1,620, 1,620 bid, 1,620.
1,620, 1,620, bidding, and going,
the lady's bidding,
sell away at 1,620.
We got them. 1,620.
- I'm sorry, did you just buy them?
- [Harriet] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Well
[Harriet] 1,620.
So you've got two at 1,620.
234, 1,620.
How were you bidding?
Were you just letting
your toenails grow and he saw it?
I mean, I didn't see Oh, hello.
[Harriet] That's a nice beast.
[Jeremy] At this point,
I decided it was time to pull rank
I'm supposed to be bidding.
[Jeremy] And do some buying myself.
[auctioneer] 1,120.1,130.
1,130 for the bid.
[Harriet] I'm leaving you to it.
[auctioneer] £1,150.
- [Harriet] 1,150.
- [auctioneer] 1,150 for the bid.
Stop putting your hand up! 1,150.
[auctioneer] Nearly twice, nearly twice.
- [Jeremy] Did I buy that?
- [Harriet] You bought it twice, yeah.
You bid yourself up.
[Jeremy] Shit.
[rock music]
[auctioneer] Seventy bid, seventy bid,
seventy bid fifty
[Jeremy] Nevertheless,
I continued on my own.
1,270, Diddly Squat.
I'm pleased with that.
He's a good-looking cow.
[auctioneer] 10, 9, 10, 20 bid.
50 bid, 40 bid, and £940.
And 60
Did I buy those?
[Harriet] Yeah.
[auctioneer] 20 bid, 80 bid, and 90 bid,
and 90 bid, and 90,
and 100 bid, and 100 bid
[Jeremy] Until eventually
60, Diddly Squat, 1,260.
So, you've got one, two,
three, four, five, six
You've got eight.
- [Jeremy] So we're done.
- [Harriet] We're done.
[Jeremy] With the money handed over
and my cows being loaded,
I asked Harriet
to explain one last thing.
When I bought one of those cows,
- a man came over and gave me forty quid.
- Hm.
- Why did he do that?
- It's "luck money".
So when you buy someone's cows,
they give you "luck money"
as an incentive to buy them.
So it's cash money he's just given me?
- Yeah. No tax.
- I like him.
Well, there is now,
'cause I've just put it on television.
- HMRC are watching.
- We'll give it him back.
[Jeremy] Having said goodbye
to our part-time Diddly Squatter
- Take care of yourself.
- [Harriet] Yeah. See you later.
[Jeremy] I headed back to the farm
with my new cows
Come on, new cows.
[Jeremy] and waited for Charlie
to shower me with praise
for a job well done.
Check 'em out.
[Charlie] Those two limousines
are cracking. They're really good.
- [Charlie] They'll finish quite quickly.
- They're the ones Harriet bought.
- Who chose the other ones? Harriet?
- [Jeremy] I did.
Don't you think this one's pretty cool?
[Charlie] No, it hasn't got
a round rump on the back. It's bare.
[Jeremy] Oh.
What about that one?
Again.
What's the matter with that one?
They're not big enough yet.
They've got good frames,
but they need to pack some weight on.
[Jeremy] Oh.
[Charlie] There were some fat cattle
at the market.
- Yeah, but you said don't get fat ones.
- I said buy fat ones to you on the phone.
You said: "Get store-store cattle,
late store, not fat."
I said the first couple need to be
a month from being finished.
So if they'd have been fat,
they'd have been finished?
Oh, God, have I done it wrong?
Well, we've not done it right.
So we might be lucky
to finish
those brown ones by the end of August.
This one, probably six months.
No? Six months?
[Jeremy] Charlie said the only way to
get them ready for the pub more quickly
was to put them
on a high-intensity bulking-up diet.
You need to change this.
[Jeremy] Okay.
We're going to make you big, fat cows.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] While Charlie went off
to organise that,
I headed back to The Windmill
for my first meeting with Sue and Rachel.
You've got to look at it
as a machine here.
And we definitely want it to look great.
[voice fading out]
[Jeremy] Together, they specialise
in setting up pubs in the Cotswolds
and now I needed them
to get mine off the ground.
A much more immediate problem: I want
to get this place open in five weeks.
Well, obviously it's quite daunting.
It's not ideal, is it? But we'll do it.
[Jeremy] Sue then outlined how efficient
the operation would have to be.
You know, we're gonna seat or serve
150 people in here.
A hundred on the terrace.
Yeah.
- [Sue] Two, three, four times a day.
- Yeah.
So for every meal
that's coming out of that kitchen,
there's gotta be an efficient machine,
because the food has gotta whiz in,
everyone knows what they're instantly
doing with it, do it,
shove it out the front door.
[Jeremy] I then showed them the kitchen,
which, I assumed,
was already full of everything we'd need.
This back cook line, I think to do
the numbers that we're talking about,
needs to be vastly improved.
A new six burner. A chargrill.
[Sue] Probably a salamander grill
on the wall.
Definitely a salamander grill.
This Rational, we need another one of
at the other end of the kitchen.
[Jeremy] So you need two of those?
- How much is this?
- That's like a mega oven.
- How much is it?
- [Sue] Seven grand?
- What? For an oven?
- But it's a really amazing oven.
How can you possibly spend seven thousand
- on an oven?
- It's a chef's favourite toy.
How much do you think
we'd need to spend in here?
Well, if we're having brand-new kit
- Seventy-five to a hundred grand.
- A lot of money.
- Sorry, my ear's like
- [Rachel] Slash a bit of rented
[Sue laughs]
Yeah! It is a surprise, I know that.
- Seventy-five to a hundred
- [Rachel] It's a bad time for ears!
I'm sure you said a hundred thousand.
But we could probably halve that
for reconditioned.
- [Rachel] Less than fifty.
- Thirty-five to forty.
[Rachel] With a bit of reconditioned,
a little bit of not-of-spec.
And will that be able to do
carvery cooking at weekends?
Yeah.
So what goes in here then?
- We'd keep this, obviously.
- [Sue] This is prep, yeah.
- [Jeremy] Oh, so this is food prep?
- [Sue] Yeah.
It's really disgusting.
Look at this floor.
This is not new dirt, this is old dirt.
It's filthy.
Look in that fridge. It is disgusting.
[Rachel] Filthy.
[Sue] We've got to line
all these filthy walls.
It's cheap and cheerful.
It's just cladding.
You need to get a new fridge.
I mean, one of the things, you know
we're gonna put the shop in here.
- [Rachel] What?
- Lisa's shop.
We need that area.
We've got so much to store.
[Rachel] There's spare furniture,
spare glassware.
[Sue] No, no, no,
she can't have a shop in here.
The thing is, we do need
a lot of storage. We've got
- What storage?
- [Sue] Napkins, crisps.
[Rachel] Spare crockery, dry store.
Millions of glasses,
stacks of blue roll, loo rolls.
[Sue] Millions of things.
[Rachel] You need storage.
- This is what people don't see in pubs.
- No.
[Rachel] You see sort of
a smiley waitress pulling a pint.
That is about one per cent of it.
And the rest is mostly
Shit. Lisa's not gonna be
Stacking chemicals!
Shit.
[Sue] How are you gonna break it to her?
'Cause I don't think
I'll do what I always do.
I think of a solution
and then tell her the solution.
If I tell her the problem,
I'm beaten about the head and neck
with blunt instruments.
[sad music]
[Jeremy] After slotting that problem
into my mental microwave,
I went to find Alan
[Jeremy] Oh, man.
[Alan] God Almighty. Urgh.
[Jeremy] who'd messaged me to say
the pub's septic tank was full
and also broken.
- All right, chaps?
- [worker] All right, Jeremy.
[Alan] Hello, lads.
[Jeremy] What is all this shit?
[Alan] That's the fibreglass tank.
[worker] That's the baffle
that has collapsed inside.
[Alan] Go on over, Jeremy,
and have a look down 'em holes.
You have a look down there.
Oh my fucking
- [retching]
- [Alan laughing] I know!
[coughing and retching]
[Alan laughing]
[Jeremy vomiting]
[panting]
- [Alan] Unbelievable.
- [Jeremy] Oh, God.
Fuck me, man.
[worker] A lot of the problem
with this is grease.
That's what you can smell, grease.
[Alan] Is that what that is,
that sharpness?
- Grease?
- [Alan] That smells like shit to me.
That's probably what's collapsed
the baffle inside, the weight.
- [Jeremy] What's a baffle?
- The weight of it.
It separates the shit from the water.
- [Jeremy] Is he pumping it out now?
- [worker] Yeah.
- And that's going in your wagon up there?
- [worker] Yeah.
We're gonna put some new pipes in it
to make it work again.
Okay.
[Alan] You gotta bear in mind
this was the sixties or seventies.
Never been cleaned out a touch.
[Jeremy] That's been collecting
grease and shit for
Since the pub opened in the eighties.
But the tank was here beforehand.
- [Jeremy] Fifty-odd years.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] Oh, look.
Somebody's dropped it down the bog.
- [worker] It might still work.
- [Alan] "It might still work," he said!
[Jeremy] We've got a new telephone!
Oh my fucking God.
No, no, no, I don't believe it.
Shit.
He's in there. That man is in there.
[Alan] Yes!
- [Jeremy] How does he breathe?
- He's going on holiday tomorrow.
[both laughing]
- [all laughing]
- He's going to Greece tomorrow.
- But the trouble is
- He's going to Greece tomorrow!
Yeah, and he'll stink of grease
for a week now.
[Jeremy] So he could have done
any job in the world.
- [worker] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] But he went, "No."
But we've been in the shit all our life.
[Alan laughing]
Hi. You all right?
[Jeremy] Well, I'm better than you.
- Coming in?
- [Alan] Yeah, yeah
I'm too fat, mercifully.
[Alan] Unbelievable.
[Jeremy] Guys, you're amazing.
Amazing, amazing work.
["Baby Please Don't Go" by Them playing]
[Alan] There you go, boss.
[Jeremy] Over the following days,
work on the pub continued
at an industrious pace.
["Baby Please Don't Go" by Them
continues playing]
[Sue] But it is a shitty shithole
at the moment, isn't it?
[Jeremy] And in amongst
all the manual labour,
Sue tried to find a chef
Cooking
[Jeremy] And Lisa went shopping
for furniture.
[Lisa] I'm a big fan
of the French bistrot table.
This is a nice base as well. We could get
a piece of marble on there, couldn't we?
Gosh, what are you doing to me?
Look at this.
[Jeremy] I, meanwhile, had to prepare
the bulking-up diet for the new cows,
which first of all meant a trip over
to the Hawkstone brewery.
And how much do these weigh?
[Mark] Nearly a ton.
[Jeremy] where Mark the brewer
had boxed up
some suitable ingredients.
So what we've got in each of these
is what's called brewer's grain.
And that's a waste product
from the brewery.
Half a ton in this one,
half a ton in that one.
And then you take that over
and feed it to the cows.
And there's a circularity then.
So waste product feeds cows,
cows get fat, cows shit on field,
grow barley in field, bring it back here,
make it into beer.
It's just so sustainable.
I'm basically Greta Thunberg
but in wellies.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Back at the farm,
I met up with sous-chef Kaleb,
so we could start making the cows
their mega meals.
So this mixed up with the barley
that we couldn't sell last year
'cause it wasn't good enough for beer.
- [Kaleb] Literally roll that, though.
- Roll it.
- And then molasses.
- Yeah.
For that treacly taste.
- To make this stuff palatable for them.
- Yeah.
And then the waste product
from making our vegetable oil.
Yeah.
Or How's this for an idea:
why don't we just buy them
a Wetherspoons' breakfast every day?
[rock music]
[Jeremy] In order
to get the cow catering underway,
Charlie had ordered in
a giant rural Magimix.
[Kaleb] Hiya. How're you doing, mate?
Yeah, good. How are you? James.
- Hi, there. Jeremy. How are you?
- James. How are you doing?
[James] So it's like a big hoover.
Suck your barley in,
suck your rape meal in, mixes it all up,
then it all goes in the centre.
Oh, it mixes it in there?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then I've got minerals and molasses
to go in as well.
[machine whirring]
[soft country music]
[Jeremy] That is so satisfying.
[Kaleb] I could do this all day.
- Shall I break it up a bit?
- [James] Yeah.
I love the idea of cooking with a lorry.
Gordon Ramsay,
Marco Pierre White,
Angus Steakhouse,
they don't cook with lorries.
[soft country music]
And there it is.
Cow food.
[Jeremy] At feeding time,
later that afternoon,
we added in the brewer's grain
You just sprinkle that
over the top like this.
[Jeremy] And dinner was served.
[Jeremy] Moo cows!
This is it.
Mmm! Delicious!
Look!
Yes, look at that. Eat it up.
Look! Look!
How delicious is that
with the molasses in it?
I can see them getting fatter and fatter.
[Kaleb] They love it, look.
They really do love it.
[mooing]
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Over at the pub,
nearly every surface you could walk on
was out of bounds.
So I headed outside
to clear the undergrowth
with my favourite companion.
[engine revving]
[Jeremy] There you go!
Yes! The emotional support unit is back!
And he's hungry.
[revving]
[Jeremy] Sadly though, my therapy session
was cut short by Sue and Rachel
who called me in for an urgent chat.
Well, first on our list,
covering the deck with some jumbrellas.
We needed to sign it off
about forty minutes ago
to guarantee the jumbrellas
arriving in time.
How much are the jumbrellas?
These are the big umbrellas, yeah?
Yeah, three enormous umbrellas
to cover the entire deck.
Yeah?
Approximately £40,000.
Including electrics,
lighting,
future proofing, ready for three-phase
if we ever get it.
[Rachel] We have spoken to Alan about it,
but not installation.
Sorry. You're saying words.
Forty thousand for three umbrellas?
- Yeah.
- They're massive. Eight metres.
£40,000 for three umbrellas?
[Rachel] Yeah.
If you didn't cover the terrace
and it was raining, no one can eat there.
No, I'm well aware
that we need umbrellas, I know that,
but I really genuinely believe
that's nuts.
What we were trying to avoid
was having
Because we could cover that deck
a lot more cheaply
with more of a parasol-type situation.
- Yeah.
- [Rachel] But given the size of the deck,
we would need probably fifty.
So it would sort of just look like
a sea of umbrellas.
Plus the table's probably that shape.
The brolly's round in the middle.
A lovely bit of sun, no probs.
So Sue's getting soaking wet. I'm okay.
- Rachel's in. You're wet.
- Yeah.
- [Sue] End of.
- How have I reached this point in life?
[Sue] Have you come round to the brollies
now you've said it?
No, I just cannot believe I'm 64
and somebody's just said to me,
in all seriousness:
"Oh, by the way,
the umbrellas are forty thousand."
- You can buy a fucking Golf GTI for that.
- [Sue] Did you sort of hope
that the purchase of the pub
might be the big one?
I just thought I'd put a new bar in
and open it up.
That's probably the one thing
you don't really need. That bar's fine.
[Jeremy] Erm
[Sue] We haven't told you
how much the furniture is yet.
- Yeah.
- Lisa saw some lovely stuff.
- [Rachel] Really good choices.
- Yeah, and how much?
- Forty thousand.
- Yeah.
Okay, where are we on the umbrellas?
You're gonna have to give me an hour
to think about it.
[Rachel] Okay, fine.
[Jeremy] With the budget
being blown to smithereens,
I went outside
to have a catch-up with Alan.
- This is amazing this stuff, isn't it?
- [Alan] It's brilliant, innit?
And you try it, look.
[Jeremy] You really can't fall over,
can you?
[Alan] No. Well, unless you're pissed.
Right, do you want the good news
or the bad? I know it's a beautiful view.
What?
[Alan] It's fucking gone up double,
ain't it?
- What has?
- This. Over double. 'Cause of that.
- [Jeremy] What?
- Yeah. I'm sorry.
- You're kidding.
- [Alan laughing] No! No, I'm not kidding.
It's gonna be over forty thousand now,
from the twenty.
But look, we've got no option.
They said anti-slip decking.
We cannot do it
without this kind of stuff, look.
- [Jeremy] And that adds £20,000?
- [Alan] Yeah.
- Yeah, it's
- [Jeremy] What? That?
It's gonna add about sixteen,
plus the labour's extra,
plus everything's extra.
The blades, you can't cut it,
I had to keep buying blades.
Right, well, okay.
That settles this umbrella debate.
You know these forty
Yeah, we're not having 'em. None of that.
[Jeremy] No, but hold on a minute.
You know those sails
that you get coming off buildings?
If you ran them from between
Oh, I'll show you actually.
If you ran the sails
If you mounted them
between the top of the door
- and the drainpipe
- [Alan] Yes.
If you put a slope on them
No, I'd go up. And I'd put a pole here.
You can go up, then go again.
[Jeremy] To be honest,
they've just put a sort of tented
arrangement up at the Three Horseshoes.
Have they?
We gotta get 'em here and have a look,
haven't we? See what they can do.
[Jeremy] Yeah.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Clearly,
the notion of opening the pub for £25,000
had been massively wide of the mark.
But there was no time to dwell on that,
because in my new role
as human ping-pong ball,
I had to bounce back to the farm
where we'd just had
a new crop of piglets.
Holy shit!
- [Lisa] Has she kept them all?
- An army of them.
[Lisa] One, two,
- three, four, five.
- You wouldn't be able to count them.
[Lisa] Six, seven, eight, nine
and then one under there, ten.
- [Jeremy] No casualties.
- [Lisa] Wow!
Look at the way they just climb all over!
Oh, my God, they're so cute.
[Kaleb] She's a great mum, though,
isn't she?
[Jeremy] I can't believe it.
This is tremendous news.
[Jeremy] Then we went over
to see Richard Ham
because Dilwyn the vet had come up
with a new plan for looking after him.
So here's the situation.
Richard Ham's now old enough
to start having a go on his sisters
so we have
to put him back in the boy pen.
[Lisa] Good.
But Dilwyn says if we put him
straight in the boy pen,
they'll beat him up.
They might even kill him.
[Lisa sighs] Oh.
[Jeremy] So he said
the only way round that
is to build a little pen,
which I've done here,
and then
for company, give him the smallest boy,
and Richard Ham and his friend
can live together in here and they bond,
then after a week we can release them
and hopefully all will be well.
Okay.
[Jeremy] All right, Richard?
[Lisa] There's Richard Ham. Perfect.
Oh, well done, K.
[Jeremy] So now, Ham is in there, okay?
Let's just see
[Kaleb] He'll be fine.
[Jeremy] Yeah, so these two
will become friends.
Then after a week,
we put them back in here
and that one will protect Richard Ham
from being beaten up.
The thing about Richard Ham
- is he's such a cheerful little fellow.
- [Lisa] I know.
[Jeremy] He hasn't started riding a
motorcycle yet or having fights in pubs.
[Lisa] I love his little monocle.
- [Kaleb laughing]
- But he will.
[Lisa] They seem to be perfectly happy.
That one looks like a nice-natured pig.
[Kaleb] Erm
- [Kaleb] Oh! Problem!
- [Jeremy] Oh! What's?
[Lisa] Ow
[Jeremy] Richard!
- [Lisa] He's just standing there.
- [Jeremy] It's his brother!
It's his brother and he's supposed
to be in there to make Richard safe.
[laughing] Oh my God.
I've never seen that before!
[Jeremy] Deliverance was wrong.
Piggies don't squeal.
[Kaleb] He's just finished up.
[Lisa] Okay, look, Jeremy.
I think he's gonna get gang raped
if he stays with any of the boys.
Well, he can't go with the girls.
Well, at least
he's not gonna get pregnant.
[Lisa] Well, we haven't really cured
anything here.
[Jeremy] We have to call Dilwyn.
- [Lisa] Well, what are you gonna say?
- I'm gonna say, "What shall I do?"
There's a thing, yeah.
Have you ever heard of a freemartin?
[Jeremy] No.
You've never heard of a freemartin?
So basically, if a cow has twins in it
- [Lisa] Yeah.
- It gives birth to one boy, one girl.
- [Lisa] Yeah?
- The girl comes out
not knowing what sex it is.
Now, what I'm saying is
that little boy there
moved his tail to one side
thinking it was a girl.
So I wonder
if it could actually be trans.
What, we've got trans pigs?
This is like being in a Labour Party
executive committee meeting now.
[Kaleb] There's a thing.
Can we be farmers just for a minute?
- He's got a point.
- I am being a farmer.
This is what happens.
Like, I was once working on a farm, yeah?
[Jeremy] As Professor Cooper
chuntered on
[Kaleb] It basically had
a penis and a vagina.
[Jeremy] Richard Ham
made another Houdini move
and escaped into the main pen
with all his brothers and cousins.
So, I got on the phone with Dilwyn.
So Richard Ham,
I did as you suggested.
I built a little pen
in the corner of the boy pen for him,
got another boar, put it in there,
then put Richard Ham in with that boy.
- [Dilwyn] Yeah?
- And within a minute,
the other boar brutally raped him.
Right.
I think basically they were just being
adolescent boys, aren't they really?
And they just, er
No, well, no.
Dilwyn,
I don't know how things were in Wales
but in Yorkshire I never thought:
"Oh, well"
No, at no point did it cross my mind.
And now Richard Ham was now
with all the other boars.
And is he getting beaten up over there?
No, not yet, but
The way that I would do it with him:
wait and see what happens
now he's with the big group.
'Cause if he's okay with the big group,
that's your problem sorted really.
[Jeremy] All right.
- Thanks, mate. Cheers. Bye, bye.
- Okay. Bye.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Fortunately, my next animal job
was much more straightforward
because it involved the goats,
who for the last few weeks
had been in their training pasture
getting used
to their hi-tech invisible fence.
Right, here's the pasture, okay?
This is where they are.
There you go, look.
That Elon's death ray is keeping them
where we want them to be.
Right, come on, goats.
- [Lizzie] Are you ready?
- I'm ready.
[Jeremy] Now they were fully compliant,
though,
I could release them to do the job
I'd bought them for in the first place.
[Jeremy] Come on, goats.
Come on, goats.
[Jeremy] Which was to clear the brambles
in all the inaccessible parts
of the farm.
[Kaleb] It turns out goats
are really good on a hill.
That's kind of the point!
[Lizzie] So this is it.
Now we're on Operation Clear, where
we would never ever be able to fence.
[Jeremy] Look at that in there.
- [Kaleb] They're ravenous, aren't they?
- [Jeremy] That is just goat paradise.
[Kaleb] How much of the area
have they got here then?
- [Jeremy] Well
- [Lizzie] Look at the app.
- [Kaleb] I don't have the app.
- I've got it.
It's a bit less than an acre.
A hectare rather.
[Lizzie] Yeah, yeah, no, 'cause you want
them to just graze certain areas down
and then move them through.
So it's like mob grazing.
[Jeremy] But this is what we got them
for, is to nail these brambles.
And within, what, five minutes,
that bramble bush is really in trouble.
That's fantastic.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Apart from making
the new cows fatter,
there were no more
immediate animal-management demands.
So, I turned my attention
back to The Windmill,
where I'd had a brainwave.
[Alan] It's only about ten to fifteen mil
out of square.
[Jeremy] In order to highlight
my pub's connection to farming,
I would hang
an old tractor from the ceiling.
First, though,
I wanted to get it modified.
Okay, I've got the tractor
and now I need to get it
chromed and lightened.
And I always think
when you've got a job like that,
you're better off giving it
to a little man in a village.
So I've come to a village hundreds
and hundreds of miles from civilisation
where there's a very little man
who's going to do the work for me.
There he is.
Mate!
[Richard Hammond] Hello! Welcome.
This is This is it?
[Jeremy] Yeah.
- [Richard] That's a 35.
- I know it is.
[Richard] That's a really nice tractor.
This, of course, where you live,
is called "modern", isn't it?
[both laughing]
- Out here, it's a fine thing!
- People going:
"Look at this.
Is that internal combustion?"
- We have worse than this turn up.
- [Welsh accent] "Now look 'ere."
We have worse than this turn up
for restoration. We're not Welsh.
- [Jeremy] It is Wales.
- It's not Wales.
I crossed the M5 about four hours ago.
- The M5 isn't the boundary.
- It is the bor
- It isn't.
- It is.
It's not Welsh people
on one side of the M5
and English with bows
and arrows on the other.
Well, it is.
[Jeremy] Once we'd sorted out several
hundred years of politics and geography,
we got back to my tractor.
So we've gotta get it down
to under 750 kilograms
or I'll pull the roof down.
[Richard] If we take
all the internals out, everything,
prop shafts, everything
And then chrome the bonnet
and the wheel arches.
Which bits do you want to chrome?
The red bits.
Oh, right.
So you don't wanna chrome all these bits?
[Jeremy] No.
- [Richard softly] Yeah!
- I think that should be Hammerite.
- Black?
- Well, you know, that
Is it Hammerite?
- Hammerite is
- It's your world, this.
- Yeah, it is!
- Yes, I know.
This is so weird!
That's your world now
and that's my world now.
Now, you've gotta get this done
before panto season starts.
Does that mean the cust [laughing]
So when are you off to Swindon?
- I'm not going to I'm not.
- You are. You are.
- You know you're in the show?
- [Richard] In what way?
[Jeremy] Oh, in a big way.
Well, how can I be in it?
I haven't done anything in it.
[Jeremy] No, you have,
but you just don't know you have.
Your contribution is immense,
I've gotta be honest with you.
Immense and in some ways
[mumbling] not dignified.
[Richard] Right.
[Jeremy] Once the tractor was off,
the conversation turned
to my least favourite topic.
[Richard] Right, do you wanna talk
prices and budget?
- We can do.
- It's filthy money.
On that pub,
everything costs too much money.
- Good. Well, we can keep up with that.
- Yeah.
I mean, are we talking hundreds,
thousands, tens of thousands or millions?
[worker] Tens of thousands.
- Tens?
- Probably be up to about twenty.
No? Twenty? What, to chrome it? What?
Yeah, to strip it all down,
take all the gubbins out from the inside.
That'll have to be machined.
I could have done it.
£20,000 to paint a tractor?
Well, the point is, as your bank balance
is taking a bit of a beating,
let's keep it going.
Why give up? Then it'll have time
to strengthen like that
and then it'll be resistant, and it'll be
harder to get anything out of it.
Whereas now, it's floppy and weak.
- Be sensible. Be sensible.
- [Richard] Wounded.
Otherwise I will be on the front row
at the Wyvern.
[Richard] I'm not doing that.
And I will be making observations
about your performance as Buttons.
I'm not doing panto.
How much is the paint?
The paint's gonna be at least
three grand a litre.
- [Jeremy and Richard] A litre?
- A litre for chrome paint, yeah.
Why didn't you tell me before I set off
that it was going to be more than the GDP
of most European countries?
Because then you might not have come.
- I wouldn't have come.
- You have and you've brought the tractor.
So basically,
you've lowered your plums into my vice.
And I've nipped it up a little bit.
And now
If this was a normal farmer coming,
then you wouldn't be saying £20,000.
Well, what normal farmer
would chrome his tractor, you pillock!
[laughing]
Erm
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Since we were now
only five weeks from opening,
I was forced to agree to Buttons' terms.
On the good-news front though,
Sue and Rachel had found me a chef.
His name was Nick, and like them,
he had vast experience
of getting pubs up and running.
- [Jeremy] How many pubs have you opened?
- Ten.
- So you've got a place in Stratford?
- Yeah.
But you can come and help us
get this one going?
Oh yeah, a hundred per cent.
The place in Stratford runs
Er, it runs with just me overseeing.
At the moment
[Jeremy] Worryingly, Nick then
pointed out that getting my pub open
would be harder than any of the others
he'd done in the past.
What fills me with living dread
is the initial conversation
I had with you,
is you have seventeen cows,
you wanna sell them in the pub.
It's how we sell those cows.
What?
We can't sell them
in all of their constituent parts.
Why can't we just, erm
If you're gonna serve 300,
350 people here in one day,
we can't hold
- twenty portions of shin of beef
- So you can't do beef heart, ox tongue?
Twenty portions
We end up with a menu of a hundred dishes
which is like completely unachievable.
So on a regular rolling basis,
we need to be serving one cut from a cow.
Now, what are you doing
with the rest of the cow?
Hold on. Oh, my God al-fucking-mighty.
This is complicated.
So if we slaughter a cow,
take it to the butcher's
What I'd want is parts of that cow
in large quantities
for a finite period of time.
For one week we'd be serving rump steaks,
so for that week,
all I want are rump steaks.
The following week,
we can change the menu, we can switch.
We can move on to a sort
of slow-cooked feather blade of beef.
But again, all I want for a week
is the feather-blade cut.
The kitchen operation has to be simple.
People need to be served
reasonably quickly,
both for their own enjoyment,
but also for your business.
- [Jeremy] To turn, yeah.
- You feed people, you turn the table.
This has really worried me now.
Because I thought if we got
fifty farmers round the country,
we say: "We'll take your beef."
Yeah?
We'd have enough
to feed fifty thousand people.
But what we're actually doing
is only taking one thing.
I mean, at the farm shop with
the burger van, we just mince everything.
- [Nick] Yeah.
- Fillet, the whole lot goes in there.
Which is not
commercially viable in a pub.
Nobody who owns a pub anywhere
is mincing a fillet.
- It's commercial suicide.
- Fuck's sake.
And then, but what actually
do you do with the rest of the cow?
[Nick] Exactly. Well, that
To a certain extent that's not
my problem, that's your problem,
because this is your idea
of how to run the business.
Ah, but it's my idea based on
absolutely no knowledge whatsoever.
It's becoming clear.
The concept of serving
the nose to tail of your cows in this pub
does not work.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] So, two weeks earlier,
Sue and Rachel had given me
a big problem.
You know we're gonna put
the shop in here?
- What?
- Lisa's shop.
We need that area.
We've got so much to store.
[Jeremy] And now Nick
had handed me one that was even bigger.
[tense music continues]
I urgently needed
to sort these things out,
but I didn't have time.
[Kaleb] In you get. Go on.
[Jeremy] Because I had to get back
to the farm to weigh the cows.
[Kaleb] This is the weigh scales then,
and you've set it up.
[Jeremy] To make sure their new diet
was making them fatter.
Start session. Look.
[Jeremy] What's the ideal
slaughter weight for them?
- [Kaleb] Roughly between about six-fifty.
- Oh, okay.
Here we go.
[Kaleb] Go on, then.
- [Jeremy] What's the ear tag?
- [Kaleb] 105 386.
And that one weighs
- [Jeremy] He's lost weight.
- [Kaleb] Hey?
[Jeremy] As the weighing went on,
I realised this wasn't a one-off.
What was the weight?
[Kaleb] Four six two.
[Jeremy] He's lost two kilograms.
[Kaleb] Fucking hell.
Go on.
[Kaleb clucking]
472 kg.
[Jeremy] Right,
that's lost four kilograms.
Why are they losing weight?
There we go.
- [machine beeping]
- [Kaleb] Four ninety.
[Jeremy] That's only put on 1 kg.
Fifteen days he's put on one kilogram.
[Kaleb] Oh, shitting hell.
- [Jeremy] Minus 7?
- Minus 14 there, look.
[Kaleb] Go on.
[Jeremy] Nobody's gonna be eating these
any time soon.
[Kaleb] No. That's not good.
[Jeremy] What are we gonna do with you?
[mooing]
They've worked out that
if they get fat they go off to market.
So they've given themselves bulimia.
Shit.
[Jeremy] It turned out that shit
actually was the issue,
because Dilwyn said their new superfood
was giving them diarrhoea.
[Dilwyn] You're giving them
too much high-powered food
and it's just basically
going straight through them.
So it's like me having a vindaloo really.
What you're feeding them
isn't doing any good,
'cause it comes straight
out the backside.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Then, with the harvest looming,
we went on a crop walk.
And that was a disaster as well.
[Charlie] Oh, my God.
- [Jeremy] Is that a slug?
- [Kaleb] Oh, shit.
No.
- [Kaleb] That's not good.
- That is not good.
You've got ergot in your wheat.
That is a hallucinogenic fungus
growing in the wheat.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Bravely,
I left Kaleb and Charlie
to deal with the LSD in our wheat
and our bulimic cows
and went back to the pub
to sit in the sunshine
with a glass of thinking juice
to sort out the problems there.
[birds chirping]
And eventually, I had a brainwave.
Tent!
[Jeremy] What was needed
was an urgent call
to The Grand Tour's Mr Wilman.
I call him "Reg". Don't ask why.
- [Mr Wilman] Hello?
- Reg?
Yeah?
Erm
You know The Grand Tour tent?
Yeah?
Do you know where it is?
Well, it's in a warehouse.
I mean, it's tucked away in a warehouse.
I mean, we can't get rid of it.
[suspenseful music]
[Jeremy] With the vast Grand Tour tent
erected on the pub's lawn,
we'd not only have
somewhere for Lisa's shop,
but also space for a butcher's
and Annie's burger van,
so I could sell the cuts of meat
not needed in the pub's kitchen.
We can then transfer it to there
and there, all in the same operation.
- Yeah.
- So when a cow comes here,
all of it is used.
This is the right direction, definitely.
- [Jeremy] What I'm saying?
- Yeah.
That is good, yes.
[suspenseful music continues]
[lorry honking]
[Jeremy] The Grand Tour tent!
That's a shitload of tent.
[Alan] Fucking hell.
Is that the whole thing?
- No, there's another load to come.
- [Jeremy] What?
[lorry driver] All right, keep coming!
[suspenseful music continues]
[Jeremy] Now, just four weeks
before opening,
we were finally back on track.
[rock music]
Check it out!
Here we go.
[Simon] We're off.
How do you feel about
an antler chandelier in the carvery room?
[rock music]