Hacks (2021) s04e06 Episode Script
Mrs. Table
1
[DRY BREAD'S "YAMAR"]
♪
Used to be a barefoot girl ♪
A-walkin' round the yard ♪
[ENERGETIC SOFT ROCK MUSIC]
Now she get to be a woman ♪
She lookin' really fine ♪
Sing this song, children ♪
Yamar, Yamar, Yamar,
Yamar, Yamar, Yamar, Yamar ♪
You're no good for her ♪
Whoo! ♪
♪
Good morning.
To what do I owe the pleasure
of a greeting at the door?
Well, I just wanted to be the first one
to congratulate you on receiving
the Courage in Comedy Award.
Oh.
I haven't heard of that
one, but that's nice.
There'll be an event where
you'll be presented the award,
which is great for,
you know, visibility.
Network is sponsoring
it, so we'll all be there.
Oh, I see.
So the network is buying
publicity for the show
is what you're actually saying?
A shot in the arm couldn't hurt.
Oh, God.
Please give me some news
I can feel good about.
Unfortunately, that was the good news.
The bad news is Cher is
dropping out as a guest tomorrow.
What? Why?
She, quote,
"Doesn't want to do it."
- [SIGHS] God.
- Don't worry.
Talent is scrambling.
I will check in with them right now.
[SIGHS]
Fucking Cher.
What's going on?
Oh.
Um, I decided we should celebrate
all this month's birthdays
in the office at once.
Some people don't like attention
and I don't want to spring
non-consensual cupcakes
on anyone because, obviously,
that can trigger people.
[BALLOONS POPPING]
Oh, oh!
[BALLOONS POPPING RAPIDLY]
Come on.
Don't do it again.
[BALLOONS POPPING RAPIDLY]
[BALLOON HISSING]
This is an office, not a bowling alley.
I'm just trying to be a good boss.
You don't have to do all this.
It's enough you pay for their lunches.
I don't pay for them.
I subsidize the writers' lunches
because the studio caps orders at $9,
which in your world is the
equivalent of one Pellegrino.
When are you going to learn
you can't be their friend?
Why, because I'm their boss?
No, because you're annoying.
Oh.
I talked to talent.
The new DC show "Wolf
Girl" got pushed up,
so we were able to book
the lead, Ruby Rojas.
Oh.
Ruby Rojas?
That's what I said, yeah.
Great job, Rob.
Great get. Great get.
Great get.
A-am I missing something?
Yes. Ruby and I dated.
I almost married her, in my opinion.
You're going to have to sign
a conflict of interest form.
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Yeah.
Just checking to see if
you need anything else
from me before I leave for Wyoming.
I finally found a
supplier that will provide
the right amount of
bear urine that we need
to keep away the coyotes.
It's a proprietary blend
of black and grizzly.
Oh, wonderful.
Yeah. I'm really excited about it.
And where are we on the candle rotation?
Cardamom, cardamom,
eucalyptus, sandalwood,
cardamom, and then I'm back on Monday.
Oh, you're gone that long?
Well, the TSA will not
give me the exception
to fly with the amount
of bear piss that we need,
so I'm renting a U-Haul and driving.
Well, have a good trip.
Thank you. See ya.
[PHONE BUZZING]
- Hey!
- There you are.
Yeah, so sorry about the phone tag.
Service is bad in here.
Just finishing up a quick set.
[STRAINS]
[GRUNTS]
Should you be doing that?
I have to.
Fricking ten days overdue
and this is supposed to trigger labor.
[GRUNTS]
If not, though, we induce on Friday.
Which is kind of why I wanted to talk.
I really feel like I need somebody here
that I trust, you know?
Oh, honey, I would love to come,
but it really would be risky
for me to bring in a
guest host this early.
Oh, no, not you. Josefina.
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh.
Well, I know how busy the show is.
You know, and you can meet him any time.
Plus, I really don't need
you seeing what I'm eating these days.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [GRUNTS]
Well, Josefina would
be happy to, I'm sure.
She loves babies.
[SPUTTERS]
Thank God.
One word of advice.
Do not let the nurses talk
you into breastfeeding.
There's absolutely nothing wrong
with giving them baby formula.
As long as it's from Europe.
[GRUNTS] No, I can't breastfeed.
I don't want to take the rings out.
[GRUNTS]
- Oh!
- Did
did your water just break?
Huh? [PANTING]
No, I think that's just piss.
Oh.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Chuka-ja, chuka-ja,
chuka-ja, yeah, yeah ♪
Chuka-ja-ja-ja, chuka-ja ♪
Chuka-ja, chuka-ja,
chuka-ja, yeah, yeah ♪
Chuka-ja-ja-ja, chuka-ja ♪
Chuka, chuka, chuka,
chuka, chuka-ja, yeah, yeah ♪
Chuka-ja-ja-ja, chuka-ja ♪
Chuka, chuka, chuka ♪
Chuka, chuka-ja ♪
Excuse me! Hi.
Do you have time for a quick makeover?
Sorry, we're not even open yet.
Please.
I'm not just any customer,
I'm an Americana resident.
OK?
I'm seeing my ex today
and she's, like, a 9.5 without makeup.
Damn.
OK, well, let's do it.
You are getting a beauty mark, though.
And I get to decide where and how big.
All right.
Come on. It'll be great.
Keeps me feeling good ♪
Feeling good ♪
[KNOCKS] Hello, hello.
Hey.
Where's my hug?
- [CHUCKLES]
- How are you?
Oh, I'm chilling.
- How are you?
- Good.
You look great.
Um, I don't think I
remember that beauty mark.
Oh, yeah. Well, you know me.
Woman of mystery.
[LOUD CLATTERING] Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God! Are you OK?
- I'm good, yeah.
That's chill. This happens all the time.
- You sure?
- No worries.
- OK. [CHUCKLES]
- Listen, um
I know you and Deborah
don't have great feelings.
Probably mutually.
Your way or your direction, more so,
but, um,
I just wanted to say I hope
hope you won't let our
stuff affect the interview.
Yeah, um, I'm a professional.
I-I think I got it.
Right, right.
Cool. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
By the way, congrats.
Looks like it was all
worth it after all.
Yeah.
You know, um, I ran into Fabriziana.
She said you were seeing someone.
I'm really happy for you, by the way.
Thank you. Yes, um, I am.
I'm sorry if it was
weird hearing it from her.
No, no.
And I'm sorry if it's weird
for you to hear that
I'm also seeing someone.
Great.
As well as another person.
- Two people.
- Oh.
I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend.
Love.
Being supah bi.
Amazing.
[EXHALING] Ch-ch-ch
anyway, um, great to see you.
I should probably head
head on down to, uh,
the trenches.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Because we're, uh
we're doing a desk bit
tonight that I pitched.
It's super funny. I
got to go finalize it.
Can't wait to see it.
- Super funny.
- I bet.
Have fun out there.
Listen, hey
razzle-dazzle 'em.
Hey, we really can't have
these falling off the wall, OK?
Thank you.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hey.
Here are the jokes
for the apologies bit.
[PEN SCRATCHING]
I like these three. The
rest we need to beat.
You only liked three?
Yes. Where are the alts?
These are the alts.
There are 20 jokes here.
Well, then we need more.
We shoot in an hour.
Well, then you have half an
hour to write me better jokes.
[TENSE CLASSICAL MUSIC]
[PAGANINI'S "CAPRICE NO. 5"]
OK!
All hands on deck.
We need more jokes for
the apologies desk bit.
I'll type fast. Go!
- Uh, um
- Uh
Uh, Deborah apologizes to the floor, um,
for always stepping on it in high heels.
OK. What else?
Deborah apologizes, uh, to science,
because she could have
cured cancer or something
because she's so smart,
but that's not where her
heart was at in undergrad.
She, like, wanted to do stuff.
- More fun stuff.
- OK. What else?
Deborah is sorry to the grocery stores
that she doesn't buy anything there.
Because she doesn't eat.
Because she's really weird about food.
No, I get it. It's just not funny.
[SCREAMS] What else?
[GROANING AND CHATTER]
[RAPID TAPPING] Come on, come on.
Great.
♪
[GRUNTS]
[LOUD CLATTERING]
Here. Five pages of jokes.
Five pages?
There's too many alts.
There was just not enough.
Now there's too many?
Well, I don't have time
to go through all of them.
Can you narrow it down?
Well, I think they're all good.
Well, which ones are the strongest?
[SIGHS] Let me see.
Maybe
You know, it's quite literally your job
to pick the best ones.
I know. I just don't know
what the woman who likes wine o'clock
thinks are the best ones.
What is it exactly you do here?
Just print jokes out?
You're a glorified Kinko's employee now?
Well, actually, there
is no more Kinko's.
I mean, there's FedEx
Kinko's, which is pretty sad.
Oh, my God, Stacey!
OK, this one.
Does that put us in
an anti-Irish barrel?
Fuck.
Do people know that Garfield was also
- the name of a president?
- OK, forget it, forget it.
We're we're cutting the bit.
- No!
- Yes.
- We have to fill the minutes.
- I know, I know.
Just go tell Ruby we're
cutting the desk bit.
We'll need her for another act.
Come on!
No, no. We are done here.
Deborah, quick. What's your lip combo?
[SOFTLY] Iconic.
Hey, you.
Do you have the time?
Yeah, it's midnight.
Are you going to turn into a pumpkin?
You wish. Try wolf!
- [GROWLS]
- Oh, no!
[SNARLING AND SCREAMING]
[LAUGHING] Whoa!
- Ferocious.
- [LAUGHS]
Reminds me of myself when Saks
won't let me make a return.
[LAUGHTER]
But I want to know where
you got that fabulous jacket.
Oh, that one.
Um, yeah, that may have
disappeared from set.
Oh, naughty, naughty Wolf Girl.
I have a bit of a problem, Deborah.
I'm a bit of a klepto.
I took the jacket, the boots, the ring.
- I think I
- Oh.
And the ring that you mentioned.
Uh, I hear you might have a
very funny story about that,
possibly concerning an ex-girlfriend?
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
I'm surprised you knew about that.
I mean
it is a funny story.
OK. Who wants to hear it?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OK. [LAUGHS]
So before we were shooting "Wolf Girl,"
I was living in LA.
I was prepping, training 24/7,
and they sent me home with the ring
to practice wielding the flail.
Oh, yeah. Wielding the
flail is a lost art.
Truly. [CHUCKLES]
Anyway, my girlfriend at
the time, she was home,
and, um, she found the ring.
And you can guess what she assumed.
Uh-oh.
- Here come the brides.
- [LAUGHTER]
Actually, she thought
she'd beat me to the punch
and she proposed to me
first with Wolf Girl's ring.
Oh, how embarrassing. Oh, God.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, yeah.
Um, she got down on one knee.
- No.
- Uh-huh.
It was very awkward.
Oh, and with a bezel marquise cut, too.
No wonder she's an ex.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Up next, Dance Mom!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Ava. I'm so sorry.
She totally caught me off guard.
- I would have
- No, it was great.
It was great TV.
I'm sorry.
It was hilarious.
It's hilarious.
[INSECTS DRONING]
[PHONE BUZZES]
Hi, Deborah. DJ's doing fine.
She goes in at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow.
We'll call you after.
And don't forget to lock the doggy door
at night because of the coyotes.
OK, bye-bye.
She thinks I don't know
how to take care of you.
But we're going to be just
fine on our own, aren't we?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, Cara. Oh, did you just fart?
Oh, honey.
Ah, jeez.
- [TAPPING ON WINDOW]
- [BOTH SCREAM]
Jesus.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Did not mean to scare you.
It's OK.
We just
weren't expecting you tonight.
No, I know, I'm sorry. I
just I had a hard day.
I was hoping we could hang.
I'm sorry, babe.
Uh, whoa.
Uh [LAUGHS] what are you
Sorry.
I was just trying to kiss you, I guess.
I mean, do you want to talk
about what happened today?
Honestly, no.
I was hoping we could, like, hook up.
[SCOFFS]
Oh.
What?
Um
Maybe you better take a seat.
OK.
[KEYS JANGLE]
What's up?
It kind of feels like this
is mostly about sex for you.
Mm
yeah.
Is that crazy?
Uh, Em and I were talking
and it seems like you don't want to
get to know us past a certain level.
And that you don't want
us to get to know you.
What do you mean?
You guys know me.
Ava Daniels.
Waltham's own.
Recently became allergic to shrimp.
We were kind of looking for someone
who would connect with
us emotionally as well.
Yeah. We're not just sex freaks.
We did meet at a sex shop.
Yeah, but you're not vulnerable with us.
And we were hoping that
that would eventually change,
but it hasn't.
And I don't want you to think
we're diagnosing you, but
kind of seems like you're not
over your last relationship.
What do you mean?
Well, I
think she really hurt you
and you're afraid of getting hurt again.
[SCOFFS] You guys don't know
what you're talking about.
Oh, OK.
Um, maybe we should just
pump the brakes, hit pause on this.
[SCOFFS]
OK, like, all three of us?
No.
We opened the circle to you,
and now we are asking
you to leave the circle.
You guys want to be monogamous now?
No, we're dumping you,
and you're making it really hard.
[SIGHS SCOFF]
[HAND SLAP AT SIDES]
[KEYS JANGLE]
Ava, wait.
Can we get our key back?
[SOFTLY] Yeah.
I tossed you both.
Can I have mine?
Sorry, those mine are on there.
Yeah.
[TRAFFIC WHOOSHING]
I'm really proud of you for that.
Good work.
[SMOOCHES] You drew a boundary.
[FLOWING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
♪
[SQUEALS SOFTLY] I'm so excited.
Yeah, OK. So what is this?
Fritos is sponsoring the night,
so you're going to pretend
to catch a bag of Fritos
from Mariska Hargitay.
OK.
OK, ready?
Thanks, Mariska. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Perfect. Now throw it.
- Anywhere?
- Yeah, yeah.
Throw it that way.
Yeah.
Awesome.
And LL Cool J is going
to catch that from you.
OK.
Hey.
Next time, you want
to give me a heads up
before you humiliate me
on national television?
Well, if you'd had the
jokes ready for the desk bit,
I wouldn't have had to
extend Ruby's interview.
It's not my fault your messy love life
is funnier than the material you write.
Fuck you.
OK, and now we are going to
wish Dakota Fanning a happy birthday.
Ready? And go.
Happy birthday, Dakota.
- Fanning.
- Fanning.
"Happy birthday, Dakota Fanning."
Please.
Happy birthday, Dakota Fanning.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- She is going to love that.
[APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS]
Hey.
So Fallon did a "Freaky Friday"
Supreme Court sketch last night.
[SIGHS] Oh, fuck, really?
- Mm-hmm.
- OK.
Uh, I'll work through
lunch with the writers.
We'll figure something else out.
Thank you.
Uh, and the affiliate copy?
Sorry, I I forgot.
I'll I'll get it to you.
And I got your email
about an iPad giveaway?
- I don't want a free iPad.
- I was hacked.
My mom wired them 2,300, so.
OK.
Sorry guys, we're going to
have to work through lunch.
There's just too much to do, and I
Hi! Sorry I'm late. [CHUCKLES]
Well, it's lunch.
That's not late, that's missing the day.
I was at the orthodontist.
Tooth gem. [CHUCKLES]
You were at the orthodontist
getting a tooth gem?
Yeah.
So it's not for a medical reason, then?
Um, mental health.
Smiling without a tooth gem was
really affecting my self-esteem.
OK, well, next time,
can you just let me know
if you're planning on
missing half the day?
I texted the chat.
- Who?
- What chat?
I didn't get it.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, I get it.
You guys have a group text without me?
- No.
- It's
- No.
- No.
Guys, just just tell her.
Directness is kindness.
OK.
Yes.
But it's just to, like,
talk about assignments
so we don't bore you with questions.
Or memes.
Or, like, what movie we're going to see.
OK.
I've been on staff
before. I know how it is.
I'm the boss, so.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Whoa, branzino?
Who's Mrs. Table?
Oh.
Well, sometimes we just order
extra food for the table.
We we call it Mrs. Table.
You ordered a whole bone-in
branzino for the table?
Well, sometimes it's branzino.
Sometimes it's fries.
Sometimes it's lobster rolls.
Lobster rolls?
Yeah.
[SHOUTING] I have been
subsidizing lobster rolls?
For Mrs. Table?
A not-real person?
A not-real person is
getting $48 branzino?
$72.
This is so disrespectful!
I am working so hard!
I get here every morning
at 5:30 on the dot.
One time, I walked in on
the janitor jerking off
because he didn't think
anyone else was here,
and I didn't report it
because he probably doesn't
get paid a living wage!
And by the way,
branzino doesn't travel well.
You should never order it to go!
- [SCREAMS]
- [EMPLOYEES GASPING]
[SCREAMS]
I quit!
[TENSE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
[SIGHS] We shouldn't have
told her about the text chain.
[SCREAMING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
No!
- [SCREAMING]
- Slow down!
Slow down! No!
Oh, my God!
This bitch is crazy!
Damn!
[CLUCKS]
I nominate Barry Keoghan to
do the Chicken Dance Challenge
to support arthritis.
Arthritis research. We
don't support arthritis.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
Just flagging that Ava's
been gone since lunch,
and I have not been able to reach her.
Did she have Chipotle?
That usually takes up the
next two to three hours.
Apparently she had
some kind of a meltdown.
She told the writers she quit,
and then according to security,
she drove through the gate.
Like, drove through it.
Oh, God.
Um, OK.
Um, well, so what do we do?
I mean, we do the show without her.
Sure.
But, you know, maybe we
could delay the taping
by 30 minutes or so
in case she shows up.
No, you've got the
award thing right after.
Oh, right.
- OK.
- Sorry.
I just wanted you to know.
Sure. Thanks.
OK, next up, we have the
Twist and Shout Challenge
to help infants with scoliosis.
Are you ready?
[LAUGHTER]
I'm sorry to my personal assistants
numbers three through seven.
Just because you are gay does
not make you detail-oriented.
And I should have had more grace.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
And thank you to Al Gore and GloRilla.
See you tomorrow night.
Whoo!
[BELL RINGS]
That was great.
- We didn't need to push.
- Yeah.
I'm going to head to the edit.
I'll see you at the awards ceremony.
OK.
[GIA MARGARET'S "HINOKI WOOD"]
♪
[CONTEMPLATIVE PIANO MUSIC]
♪
Hey, Deborah.
- Your car is waiting outside.
- Thanks. OK.
♪
You got to leave that
marriage, you know?
Oh, there she is.
The bravest woman in comedy.
Oh, please.
Any woman who goes on Bill Maher
is the bravest woman in comedy.
I hear you on that.
Give me a little love.
Hey, nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Oh, God.
Thank you for doing this
ridiculous network stunt.
Hey, come on now.
- [SIGHS]
- Don't do that.
It's a tough town.
You got to celebrate every little win.
It's a fake award, Ro.
Yes. I have many of them at home.
[LAUGHS]
Remember, you were there
when I got that Crystal
Pepsi Award for
BOTH: Clarity in Comedy.
[LAUGHS]
So tell me, how's the show going?
You know, some days are good,
and you know, some aren't.
Yeah, I understand.
Some days you want
to pull your hair out.
But other days,
you're sitting there
laughing your ass off
with some of your favorite
people in the whole world.
You got to focus on that.
Because to tell you the truth,
that's what I miss the most.
So, you do ayahuasca?
What do you mean?
I mean how did all this happen?
Oh, well, that was just, you know,
hard work, timing, and
you know, a lot of luck.
No, you got better.
You don't just get better.
Comedy is like sports.
Nobody starts dunking at 60 years old.
I guess I just found my voice.
You know, we all evolve.
I mean, you've evolved.
Yeah, it only took me five kids,
two nervous breakdowns,
and a lot of Ozempic.
- But yes, I've evolved.
- [LAUGHS]
And I'm glad I can be
here for your fake award.
- Now let's make it quick.
- [LAUGHING] Oh, God, please.
By the way, I can't
stay for your speech.
Don't be pissed.
[LAUGHTER]
Without further ado,
I'm honored to present
the Courage in Comedy Award
to a woman who never let fear stop her.
What choice did she have, really?
I mean, I've seen her house,
and she has to pay for that mortgage.
She's going to be working forever.
[LAUGHTER] And I, for
one, hope she does.
Please welcome the iconic Deborah Vance.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[DOOR SLAMS AND RATTLES]
Mm.
- [SIGHS]
- [DOG BARKS]
Oh, Cara, baby.
Hello, sweetie.
Where's Barry, huh?
Where's your brother?
Barry?
[WHISTLES]
Barry. [SMOOCHES]
Where are you?
[SOFT TENSE MUSIC]
Barry?
Mama's home.
Barry?
Barry?
[SMOOCHES] Barry!
Come on! Where are you?
Mama's home.
Where are you?
Barry?
Huh?
[DOG BARKING]
Oh, my God, how did you get outside?
[LOUD BARKING]
Oh, no!
Oh, God!
No! Jesus!
[BARRY YELPING]
[TENSE MUSIC]
No! No!
[BARRY YELPING]
You're OK. You're OK.
[BOTH PANTING]
[SOBBING] Oh, oh, are you OK?
Are you OK, honey? Are you OK?
[BARRY WHIMPERS]
[SOBBING]
♪
I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry, baby.
I'm sorry.
I should have protected you.
I should have protected you.
[SIGHS]
[BARRY PANTING]
[SIGHS]
[JOHN CALE'S "PARIS 1919"]
[UPBEAT BAROQUE POP MUSIC]
♪
[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
♪
Have you seen a lesbian ginger?
- No, sorry.
- Thanks for nothing.
- God.
- Hi.
- Any luck?
- No.
We just checked her
apartment. She's not there.
I'm looking in Silver Lake.
Call me if you find her.
Kayla, come on. We're
not getting Wetzel's.
Jimmy, hate to say it,
but statistically at this point,
we're looking for a body.
I don't understand. She just left?
What even happened?
Hello Deborah?
She hung up on me. Unbelievable.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
You're a ghost, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
[TIRES SQUEAL]
I'm the bishop and I've come ♪
To claim you with my iron drum ♪
La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
♪
Oh, I'm sorry.
I I thought you were somebody else.
I'm sorry. What what
is everybody lined up for?
Oh, we're here for Girl Twirl,
a night of queer line dancing.
Perfect.
Um, have you seen this woman?
Uh
I don't know her.
No? Anybody?
I-I-I'm trying to find this girl.
I'm trying to find this girl.
Anybody?
Do you have Find My
iPhone enabled for her?
Oh, I think I might, yeah.
Can you can you
help me find my Find My?
OK.
- There she is.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
[ORCHESTRAL MANOEUVRES IN THE DARK'S
"OF ALL THE THINGS WE'VE MADE"]
[DREAMY POP MUSIC]
♪
[WAVES CRASHING]
♪
Ava!
♪
Ava, no!
No! God, no!
Ava, you can't swim!
Ava!
No!
No, no!
♪
[YELPS] What the fuck?
What the hell are you doing?
Uh, I-I'm sorry.
I thought you were somebody else.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm night swimming.
Oh. It's frigid!
I'm training for the Polar Bear Plunge!
Back off!
[SCOFFS] OK.
[GROANS SOFTLY]
[GRUNTING AND PANTING]
Deborah?
What the hell are you doing?
I [SHIVERS AND SHUDDERS]
L-looking for you!
I thought you were drowning yourself.
Oh, my God, no.
You you drove through
a gate and disappeared!
Yeah.
I'm not suicidal, I just want to die.
What?
I'm not actually gonna self-harm, OK?
And if I was going to kill myself,
I wouldn't do it Virginia Woolf style
and walk into the freezing ocean.
I'd do pills or wear
a suicide vest on
BOTH: "Watch What Happens Live."
[DEBORAH SHIVERING]
Shit, your lips are blue. Come on.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
Oh, thank you.
Here you go.
Sorry, I know you guys are closing soon.
No, it's on the house.
- The hoodie, too.
- Oh.
I'm a big fan.
Can I get a selfie?
Not tonight, sweetie.
OK.
Respect.
[SIGHS]
Mmm.
Thanks for trying to save my life.
Or whoever's life that was.
I
appreciate you ruining your
second-favorite fur as well.
So why were you at the beach?
I don't know.
Um
I just got in my car and drove.
I I was just trying to
get away from everything
and I ended up at the beach.
Which is, like, so embarrassing
now that I say it out loud.
It's so first thought after a breakdown.
A little bit, yeah.
[SIGHS]
And, um, I don't know
if you heard, but I quit.
You're the youngest head writer
in the history of late night.
You can't just quit.
Well, I did.
And I do.
Listen, you're up and
down in this career.
Right now, you're up.
But if you walk away,
I'm telling you, one
day you'll regret it.
I won't.
I suck shit at this fucking job.
You were right. I never
should have taken it.
I wasn't the right person for it.
The only reason you were failing
is because I set you up to fail.
I'm sorry.
Give me another chance.
Please.
Even though I probably
don't deserve one.
You don't.
I promise I'll make it up to you.
Don't say that.
Please don't say that.
Because when you say that,
I want to believe you.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
But you always let me down.
I won't.
This time.
I can't trust you.
I understand why you feel that way,
but I'm begging you.
What do I have to do,
run back into that ocean?
Because I will.
Even if I did come back
I don't know if I can do the job.
[CHUCKLES] I don't even
know your voice anymore.
You are my voice.
♪
But I kind of hate you now.
Uh, so?
Lots of people do.
You're part of a vibrant community.
I can't write a show that
appeals to millions of people.
I-I was wrong to focus on them.
We can't make it for them.
We have to make it for each other.
We'll probably never make
it out of last place, so
we should at least try to have fun.
Yeah.
I haven't had fun in a long time.
Me either.
[WAVES CRASHING]
♪
I guess I do have to make
fun of Stacey to someone.
[LAUGHS] Please.
I mean, how do you tell an HR
person they need to wear deodorant?
- I mean, that is a trap.
- Oh, I did.
She said she doesn't sweat
that much and doesn't need it.
I was thinking, girl, you do.
[LAUGHTER]
It's not up to you.
It's up to us, actually.
[LAUGHTER]
Hold on a second.
[KING PRINCESS' "CURSED"]
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
- [SIGHS]
- What is that?
[CORK POPS]
[LAUGHS]
Something we should have
shared a long time ago.
♪
Yeah, it's been in my trunk for months.
Yeah, it's awful.
Yeah.
Well, it had to end ♪
I saw Stacey in the kitchen
eating a banana with the peel on.
- [LAUGHING] You did not!
- Peel on.
- That's a lie!
- Like a corn on the cob.
It's a curse to be your friend ♪
I love you so you cause me pain ♪
Yeah, and it's a curse to be alone ♪
You left me out here in the rain ♪
I miss you more the more I grow ♪
I love you so you cause me pain ♪
Oh, it's a curse to be your friend ♪
Oh, you look the same ♪
Did you stop smoking weed ♪
Or trying to please your dad? ♪
He's not thinking about your pain ♪
Oh, it had to end ♪
But endings lead to better things ♪
Like feeling again ♪
Mm, it's a curse to be your friend ♪
I love you so you cause me pain ♪
Yeah, and it's a curse to be alone ♪
You left me out here in the rain ♪
I miss you more the more I grow ♪
I love you so you cause me pain ♪
Oh, it's a curse to be your friend ♪
♪
[DRY BREAD'S "YAMAR"]
♪
Used to be a barefoot girl ♪
A-walkin' round the yard ♪
[ENERGETIC SOFT ROCK MUSIC]
Now she get to be a woman ♪
She lookin' really fine ♪
Sing this song, children ♪
Yamar, Yamar, Yamar,
Yamar, Yamar, Yamar, Yamar ♪
You're no good for her ♪
Whoo! ♪
♪
Good morning.
To what do I owe the pleasure
of a greeting at the door?
Well, I just wanted to be the first one
to congratulate you on receiving
the Courage in Comedy Award.
Oh.
I haven't heard of that
one, but that's nice.
There'll be an event where
you'll be presented the award,
which is great for,
you know, visibility.
Network is sponsoring
it, so we'll all be there.
Oh, I see.
So the network is buying
publicity for the show
is what you're actually saying?
A shot in the arm couldn't hurt.
Oh, God.
Please give me some news
I can feel good about.
Unfortunately, that was the good news.
The bad news is Cher is
dropping out as a guest tomorrow.
What? Why?
She, quote,
"Doesn't want to do it."
- [SIGHS] God.
- Don't worry.
Talent is scrambling.
I will check in with them right now.
[SIGHS]
Fucking Cher.
What's going on?
Oh.
Um, I decided we should celebrate
all this month's birthdays
in the office at once.
Some people don't like attention
and I don't want to spring
non-consensual cupcakes
on anyone because, obviously,
that can trigger people.
[BALLOONS POPPING]
Oh, oh!
[BALLOONS POPPING RAPIDLY]
Come on.
Don't do it again.
[BALLOONS POPPING RAPIDLY]
[BALLOON HISSING]
This is an office, not a bowling alley.
I'm just trying to be a good boss.
You don't have to do all this.
It's enough you pay for their lunches.
I don't pay for them.
I subsidize the writers' lunches
because the studio caps orders at $9,
which in your world is the
equivalent of one Pellegrino.
When are you going to learn
you can't be their friend?
Why, because I'm their boss?
No, because you're annoying.
Oh.
I talked to talent.
The new DC show "Wolf
Girl" got pushed up,
so we were able to book
the lead, Ruby Rojas.
Oh.
Ruby Rojas?
That's what I said, yeah.
Great job, Rob.
Great get. Great get.
Great get.
A-am I missing something?
Yes. Ruby and I dated.
I almost married her, in my opinion.
You're going to have to sign
a conflict of interest form.
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Yeah.
Just checking to see if
you need anything else
from me before I leave for Wyoming.
I finally found a
supplier that will provide
the right amount of
bear urine that we need
to keep away the coyotes.
It's a proprietary blend
of black and grizzly.
Oh, wonderful.
Yeah. I'm really excited about it.
And where are we on the candle rotation?
Cardamom, cardamom,
eucalyptus, sandalwood,
cardamom, and then I'm back on Monday.
Oh, you're gone that long?
Well, the TSA will not
give me the exception
to fly with the amount
of bear piss that we need,
so I'm renting a U-Haul and driving.
Well, have a good trip.
Thank you. See ya.
[PHONE BUZZING]
- Hey!
- There you are.
Yeah, so sorry about the phone tag.
Service is bad in here.
Just finishing up a quick set.
[STRAINS]
[GRUNTS]
Should you be doing that?
I have to.
Fricking ten days overdue
and this is supposed to trigger labor.
[GRUNTS]
If not, though, we induce on Friday.
Which is kind of why I wanted to talk.
I really feel like I need somebody here
that I trust, you know?
Oh, honey, I would love to come,
but it really would be risky
for me to bring in a
guest host this early.
Oh, no, not you. Josefina.
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh.
Well, I know how busy the show is.
You know, and you can meet him any time.
Plus, I really don't need
you seeing what I'm eating these days.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [GRUNTS]
Well, Josefina would
be happy to, I'm sure.
She loves babies.
[SPUTTERS]
Thank God.
One word of advice.
Do not let the nurses talk
you into breastfeeding.
There's absolutely nothing wrong
with giving them baby formula.
As long as it's from Europe.
[GRUNTS] No, I can't breastfeed.
I don't want to take the rings out.
[GRUNTS]
- Oh!
- Did
did your water just break?
Huh? [PANTING]
No, I think that's just piss.
Oh.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Chuka-ja, chuka-ja,
chuka-ja, yeah, yeah ♪
Chuka-ja-ja-ja, chuka-ja ♪
Chuka-ja, chuka-ja,
chuka-ja, yeah, yeah ♪
Chuka-ja-ja-ja, chuka-ja ♪
Chuka, chuka, chuka,
chuka, chuka-ja, yeah, yeah ♪
Chuka-ja-ja-ja, chuka-ja ♪
Chuka, chuka, chuka ♪
Chuka, chuka-ja ♪
Excuse me! Hi.
Do you have time for a quick makeover?
Sorry, we're not even open yet.
Please.
I'm not just any customer,
I'm an Americana resident.
OK?
I'm seeing my ex today
and she's, like, a 9.5 without makeup.
Damn.
OK, well, let's do it.
You are getting a beauty mark, though.
And I get to decide where and how big.
All right.
Come on. It'll be great.
Keeps me feeling good ♪
Feeling good ♪
[KNOCKS] Hello, hello.
Hey.
Where's my hug?
- [CHUCKLES]
- How are you?
Oh, I'm chilling.
- How are you?
- Good.
You look great.
Um, I don't think I
remember that beauty mark.
Oh, yeah. Well, you know me.
Woman of mystery.
[LOUD CLATTERING] Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God! Are you OK?
- I'm good, yeah.
That's chill. This happens all the time.
- You sure?
- No worries.
- OK. [CHUCKLES]
- Listen, um
I know you and Deborah
don't have great feelings.
Probably mutually.
Your way or your direction, more so,
but, um,
I just wanted to say I hope
hope you won't let our
stuff affect the interview.
Yeah, um, I'm a professional.
I-I think I got it.
Right, right.
Cool. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
By the way, congrats.
Looks like it was all
worth it after all.
Yeah.
You know, um, I ran into Fabriziana.
She said you were seeing someone.
I'm really happy for you, by the way.
Thank you. Yes, um, I am.
I'm sorry if it was
weird hearing it from her.
No, no.
And I'm sorry if it's weird
for you to hear that
I'm also seeing someone.
Great.
As well as another person.
- Two people.
- Oh.
I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend.
Love.
Being supah bi.
Amazing.
[EXHALING] Ch-ch-ch
anyway, um, great to see you.
I should probably head
head on down to, uh,
the trenches.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Because we're, uh
we're doing a desk bit
tonight that I pitched.
It's super funny. I
got to go finalize it.
Can't wait to see it.
- Super funny.
- I bet.
Have fun out there.
Listen, hey
razzle-dazzle 'em.
Hey, we really can't have
these falling off the wall, OK?
Thank you.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hey.
Here are the jokes
for the apologies bit.
[PEN SCRATCHING]
I like these three. The
rest we need to beat.
You only liked three?
Yes. Where are the alts?
These are the alts.
There are 20 jokes here.
Well, then we need more.
We shoot in an hour.
Well, then you have half an
hour to write me better jokes.
[TENSE CLASSICAL MUSIC]
[PAGANINI'S "CAPRICE NO. 5"]
OK!
All hands on deck.
We need more jokes for
the apologies desk bit.
I'll type fast. Go!
- Uh, um
- Uh
Uh, Deborah apologizes to the floor, um,
for always stepping on it in high heels.
OK. What else?
Deborah apologizes, uh, to science,
because she could have
cured cancer or something
because she's so smart,
but that's not where her
heart was at in undergrad.
She, like, wanted to do stuff.
- More fun stuff.
- OK. What else?
Deborah is sorry to the grocery stores
that she doesn't buy anything there.
Because she doesn't eat.
Because she's really weird about food.
No, I get it. It's just not funny.
[SCREAMS] What else?
[GROANING AND CHATTER]
[RAPID TAPPING] Come on, come on.
Great.
♪
[GRUNTS]
[LOUD CLATTERING]
Here. Five pages of jokes.
Five pages?
There's too many alts.
There was just not enough.
Now there's too many?
Well, I don't have time
to go through all of them.
Can you narrow it down?
Well, I think they're all good.
Well, which ones are the strongest?
[SIGHS] Let me see.
Maybe
You know, it's quite literally your job
to pick the best ones.
I know. I just don't know
what the woman who likes wine o'clock
thinks are the best ones.
What is it exactly you do here?
Just print jokes out?
You're a glorified Kinko's employee now?
Well, actually, there
is no more Kinko's.
I mean, there's FedEx
Kinko's, which is pretty sad.
Oh, my God, Stacey!
OK, this one.
Does that put us in
an anti-Irish barrel?
Fuck.
Do people know that Garfield was also
- the name of a president?
- OK, forget it, forget it.
We're we're cutting the bit.
- No!
- Yes.
- We have to fill the minutes.
- I know, I know.
Just go tell Ruby we're
cutting the desk bit.
We'll need her for another act.
Come on!
No, no. We are done here.
Deborah, quick. What's your lip combo?
[SOFTLY] Iconic.
Hey, you.
Do you have the time?
Yeah, it's midnight.
Are you going to turn into a pumpkin?
You wish. Try wolf!
- [GROWLS]
- Oh, no!
[SNARLING AND SCREAMING]
[LAUGHING] Whoa!
- Ferocious.
- [LAUGHS]
Reminds me of myself when Saks
won't let me make a return.
[LAUGHTER]
But I want to know where
you got that fabulous jacket.
Oh, that one.
Um, yeah, that may have
disappeared from set.
Oh, naughty, naughty Wolf Girl.
I have a bit of a problem, Deborah.
I'm a bit of a klepto.
I took the jacket, the boots, the ring.
- I think I
- Oh.
And the ring that you mentioned.
Uh, I hear you might have a
very funny story about that,
possibly concerning an ex-girlfriend?
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
I'm surprised you knew about that.
I mean
it is a funny story.
OK. Who wants to hear it?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OK. [LAUGHS]
So before we were shooting "Wolf Girl,"
I was living in LA.
I was prepping, training 24/7,
and they sent me home with the ring
to practice wielding the flail.
Oh, yeah. Wielding the
flail is a lost art.
Truly. [CHUCKLES]
Anyway, my girlfriend at
the time, she was home,
and, um, she found the ring.
And you can guess what she assumed.
Uh-oh.
- Here come the brides.
- [LAUGHTER]
Actually, she thought
she'd beat me to the punch
and she proposed to me
first with Wolf Girl's ring.
Oh, how embarrassing. Oh, God.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, yeah.
Um, she got down on one knee.
- No.
- Uh-huh.
It was very awkward.
Oh, and with a bezel marquise cut, too.
No wonder she's an ex.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Up next, Dance Mom!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Ava. I'm so sorry.
She totally caught me off guard.
- I would have
- No, it was great.
It was great TV.
I'm sorry.
It was hilarious.
It's hilarious.
[INSECTS DRONING]
[PHONE BUZZES]
Hi, Deborah. DJ's doing fine.
She goes in at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow.
We'll call you after.
And don't forget to lock the doggy door
at night because of the coyotes.
OK, bye-bye.
She thinks I don't know
how to take care of you.
But we're going to be just
fine on our own, aren't we?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, Cara. Oh, did you just fart?
Oh, honey.
Ah, jeez.
- [TAPPING ON WINDOW]
- [BOTH SCREAM]
Jesus.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Did not mean to scare you.
It's OK.
We just
weren't expecting you tonight.
No, I know, I'm sorry. I
just I had a hard day.
I was hoping we could hang.
I'm sorry, babe.
Uh, whoa.
Uh [LAUGHS] what are you
Sorry.
I was just trying to kiss you, I guess.
I mean, do you want to talk
about what happened today?
Honestly, no.
I was hoping we could, like, hook up.
[SCOFFS]
Oh.
What?
Um
Maybe you better take a seat.
OK.
[KEYS JANGLE]
What's up?
It kind of feels like this
is mostly about sex for you.
Mm
yeah.
Is that crazy?
Uh, Em and I were talking
and it seems like you don't want to
get to know us past a certain level.
And that you don't want
us to get to know you.
What do you mean?
You guys know me.
Ava Daniels.
Waltham's own.
Recently became allergic to shrimp.
We were kind of looking for someone
who would connect with
us emotionally as well.
Yeah. We're not just sex freaks.
We did meet at a sex shop.
Yeah, but you're not vulnerable with us.
And we were hoping that
that would eventually change,
but it hasn't.
And I don't want you to think
we're diagnosing you, but
kind of seems like you're not
over your last relationship.
What do you mean?
Well, I
think she really hurt you
and you're afraid of getting hurt again.
[SCOFFS] You guys don't know
what you're talking about.
Oh, OK.
Um, maybe we should just
pump the brakes, hit pause on this.
[SCOFFS]
OK, like, all three of us?
No.
We opened the circle to you,
and now we are asking
you to leave the circle.
You guys want to be monogamous now?
No, we're dumping you,
and you're making it really hard.
[SIGHS SCOFF]
[HAND SLAP AT SIDES]
[KEYS JANGLE]
Ava, wait.
Can we get our key back?
[SOFTLY] Yeah.
I tossed you both.
Can I have mine?
Sorry, those mine are on there.
Yeah.
[TRAFFIC WHOOSHING]
I'm really proud of you for that.
Good work.
[SMOOCHES] You drew a boundary.
[FLOWING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
♪
[SQUEALS SOFTLY] I'm so excited.
Yeah, OK. So what is this?
Fritos is sponsoring the night,
so you're going to pretend
to catch a bag of Fritos
from Mariska Hargitay.
OK.
OK, ready?
Thanks, Mariska. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Perfect. Now throw it.
- Anywhere?
- Yeah, yeah.
Throw it that way.
Yeah.
Awesome.
And LL Cool J is going
to catch that from you.
OK.
Hey.
Next time, you want
to give me a heads up
before you humiliate me
on national television?
Well, if you'd had the
jokes ready for the desk bit,
I wouldn't have had to
extend Ruby's interview.
It's not my fault your messy love life
is funnier than the material you write.
Fuck you.
OK, and now we are going to
wish Dakota Fanning a happy birthday.
Ready? And go.
Happy birthday, Dakota.
- Fanning.
- Fanning.
"Happy birthday, Dakota Fanning."
Please.
Happy birthday, Dakota Fanning.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- She is going to love that.
[APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS]
Hey.
So Fallon did a "Freaky Friday"
Supreme Court sketch last night.
[SIGHS] Oh, fuck, really?
- Mm-hmm.
- OK.
Uh, I'll work through
lunch with the writers.
We'll figure something else out.
Thank you.
Uh, and the affiliate copy?
Sorry, I I forgot.
I'll I'll get it to you.
And I got your email
about an iPad giveaway?
- I don't want a free iPad.
- I was hacked.
My mom wired them 2,300, so.
OK.
Sorry guys, we're going to
have to work through lunch.
There's just too much to do, and I
Hi! Sorry I'm late. [CHUCKLES]
Well, it's lunch.
That's not late, that's missing the day.
I was at the orthodontist.
Tooth gem. [CHUCKLES]
You were at the orthodontist
getting a tooth gem?
Yeah.
So it's not for a medical reason, then?
Um, mental health.
Smiling without a tooth gem was
really affecting my self-esteem.
OK, well, next time,
can you just let me know
if you're planning on
missing half the day?
I texted the chat.
- Who?
- What chat?
I didn't get it.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, I get it.
You guys have a group text without me?
- No.
- It's
- No.
- No.
Guys, just just tell her.
Directness is kindness.
OK.
Yes.
But it's just to, like,
talk about assignments
so we don't bore you with questions.
Or memes.
Or, like, what movie we're going to see.
OK.
I've been on staff
before. I know how it is.
I'm the boss, so.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Whoa, branzino?
Who's Mrs. Table?
Oh.
Well, sometimes we just order
extra food for the table.
We we call it Mrs. Table.
You ordered a whole bone-in
branzino for the table?
Well, sometimes it's branzino.
Sometimes it's fries.
Sometimes it's lobster rolls.
Lobster rolls?
Yeah.
[SHOUTING] I have been
subsidizing lobster rolls?
For Mrs. Table?
A not-real person?
A not-real person is
getting $48 branzino?
$72.
This is so disrespectful!
I am working so hard!
I get here every morning
at 5:30 on the dot.
One time, I walked in on
the janitor jerking off
because he didn't think
anyone else was here,
and I didn't report it
because he probably doesn't
get paid a living wage!
And by the way,
branzino doesn't travel well.
You should never order it to go!
- [SCREAMS]
- [EMPLOYEES GASPING]
[SCREAMS]
I quit!
[TENSE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
[SIGHS] We shouldn't have
told her about the text chain.
[SCREAMING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
No!
- [SCREAMING]
- Slow down!
Slow down! No!
Oh, my God!
This bitch is crazy!
Damn!
[CLUCKS]
I nominate Barry Keoghan to
do the Chicken Dance Challenge
to support arthritis.
Arthritis research. We
don't support arthritis.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
Just flagging that Ava's
been gone since lunch,
and I have not been able to reach her.
Did she have Chipotle?
That usually takes up the
next two to three hours.
Apparently she had
some kind of a meltdown.
She told the writers she quit,
and then according to security,
she drove through the gate.
Like, drove through it.
Oh, God.
Um, OK.
Um, well, so what do we do?
I mean, we do the show without her.
Sure.
But, you know, maybe we
could delay the taping
by 30 minutes or so
in case she shows up.
No, you've got the
award thing right after.
Oh, right.
- OK.
- Sorry.
I just wanted you to know.
Sure. Thanks.
OK, next up, we have the
Twist and Shout Challenge
to help infants with scoliosis.
Are you ready?
[LAUGHTER]
I'm sorry to my personal assistants
numbers three through seven.
Just because you are gay does
not make you detail-oriented.
And I should have had more grace.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
And thank you to Al Gore and GloRilla.
See you tomorrow night.
Whoo!
[BELL RINGS]
That was great.
- We didn't need to push.
- Yeah.
I'm going to head to the edit.
I'll see you at the awards ceremony.
OK.
[GIA MARGARET'S "HINOKI WOOD"]
♪
[CONTEMPLATIVE PIANO MUSIC]
♪
Hey, Deborah.
- Your car is waiting outside.
- Thanks. OK.
♪
You got to leave that
marriage, you know?
Oh, there she is.
The bravest woman in comedy.
Oh, please.
Any woman who goes on Bill Maher
is the bravest woman in comedy.
I hear you on that.
Give me a little love.
Hey, nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Oh, God.
Thank you for doing this
ridiculous network stunt.
Hey, come on now.
- [SIGHS]
- Don't do that.
It's a tough town.
You got to celebrate every little win.
It's a fake award, Ro.
Yes. I have many of them at home.
[LAUGHS]
Remember, you were there
when I got that Crystal
Pepsi Award for
BOTH: Clarity in Comedy.
[LAUGHS]
So tell me, how's the show going?
You know, some days are good,
and you know, some aren't.
Yeah, I understand.
Some days you want
to pull your hair out.
But other days,
you're sitting there
laughing your ass off
with some of your favorite
people in the whole world.
You got to focus on that.
Because to tell you the truth,
that's what I miss the most.
So, you do ayahuasca?
What do you mean?
I mean how did all this happen?
Oh, well, that was just, you know,
hard work, timing, and
you know, a lot of luck.
No, you got better.
You don't just get better.
Comedy is like sports.
Nobody starts dunking at 60 years old.
I guess I just found my voice.
You know, we all evolve.
I mean, you've evolved.
Yeah, it only took me five kids,
two nervous breakdowns,
and a lot of Ozempic.
- But yes, I've evolved.
- [LAUGHS]
And I'm glad I can be
here for your fake award.
- Now let's make it quick.
- [LAUGHING] Oh, God, please.
By the way, I can't
stay for your speech.
Don't be pissed.
[LAUGHTER]
Without further ado,
I'm honored to present
the Courage in Comedy Award
to a woman who never let fear stop her.
What choice did she have, really?
I mean, I've seen her house,
and she has to pay for that mortgage.
She's going to be working forever.
[LAUGHTER] And I, for
one, hope she does.
Please welcome the iconic Deborah Vance.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[DOOR SLAMS AND RATTLES]
Mm.
- [SIGHS]
- [DOG BARKS]
Oh, Cara, baby.
Hello, sweetie.
Where's Barry, huh?
Where's your brother?
Barry?
[WHISTLES]
Barry. [SMOOCHES]
Where are you?
[SOFT TENSE MUSIC]
Barry?
Mama's home.
Barry?
Barry?
[SMOOCHES] Barry!
Come on! Where are you?
Mama's home.
Where are you?
Barry?
Huh?
[DOG BARKING]
Oh, my God, how did you get outside?
[LOUD BARKING]
Oh, no!
Oh, God!
No! Jesus!
[BARRY YELPING]
[TENSE MUSIC]
No! No!
[BARRY YELPING]
You're OK. You're OK.
[BOTH PANTING]
[SOBBING] Oh, oh, are you OK?
Are you OK, honey? Are you OK?
[BARRY WHIMPERS]
[SOBBING]
♪
I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry, baby.
I'm sorry.
I should have protected you.
I should have protected you.
[SIGHS]
[BARRY PANTING]
[SIGHS]
[JOHN CALE'S "PARIS 1919"]
[UPBEAT BAROQUE POP MUSIC]
♪
[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
♪
Have you seen a lesbian ginger?
- No, sorry.
- Thanks for nothing.
- God.
- Hi.
- Any luck?
- No.
We just checked her
apartment. She's not there.
I'm looking in Silver Lake.
Call me if you find her.
Kayla, come on. We're
not getting Wetzel's.
Jimmy, hate to say it,
but statistically at this point,
we're looking for a body.
I don't understand. She just left?
What even happened?
Hello Deborah?
She hung up on me. Unbelievable.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
You're a ghost, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
[TIRES SQUEAL]
I'm the bishop and I've come ♪
To claim you with my iron drum ♪
La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
♪
Oh, I'm sorry.
I I thought you were somebody else.
I'm sorry. What what
is everybody lined up for?
Oh, we're here for Girl Twirl,
a night of queer line dancing.
Perfect.
Um, have you seen this woman?
Uh
I don't know her.
No? Anybody?
I-I-I'm trying to find this girl.
I'm trying to find this girl.
Anybody?
Do you have Find My
iPhone enabled for her?
Oh, I think I might, yeah.
Can you can you
help me find my Find My?
OK.
- There she is.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
[ORCHESTRAL MANOEUVRES IN THE DARK'S
"OF ALL THE THINGS WE'VE MADE"]
[DREAMY POP MUSIC]
♪
[WAVES CRASHING]
♪
Ava!
♪
Ava, no!
No! God, no!
Ava, you can't swim!
Ava!
No!
No, no!
♪
[YELPS] What the fuck?
What the hell are you doing?
Uh, I-I'm sorry.
I thought you were somebody else.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm night swimming.
Oh. It's frigid!
I'm training for the Polar Bear Plunge!
Back off!
[SCOFFS] OK.
[GROANS SOFTLY]
[GRUNTING AND PANTING]
Deborah?
What the hell are you doing?
I [SHIVERS AND SHUDDERS]
L-looking for you!
I thought you were drowning yourself.
Oh, my God, no.
You you drove through
a gate and disappeared!
Yeah.
I'm not suicidal, I just want to die.
What?
I'm not actually gonna self-harm, OK?
And if I was going to kill myself,
I wouldn't do it Virginia Woolf style
and walk into the freezing ocean.
I'd do pills or wear
a suicide vest on
BOTH: "Watch What Happens Live."
[DEBORAH SHIVERING]
Shit, your lips are blue. Come on.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
Oh, thank you.
Here you go.
Sorry, I know you guys are closing soon.
No, it's on the house.
- The hoodie, too.
- Oh.
I'm a big fan.
Can I get a selfie?
Not tonight, sweetie.
OK.
Respect.
[SIGHS]
Mmm.
Thanks for trying to save my life.
Or whoever's life that was.
I
appreciate you ruining your
second-favorite fur as well.
So why were you at the beach?
I don't know.
Um
I just got in my car and drove.
I I was just trying to
get away from everything
and I ended up at the beach.
Which is, like, so embarrassing
now that I say it out loud.
It's so first thought after a breakdown.
A little bit, yeah.
[SIGHS]
And, um, I don't know
if you heard, but I quit.
You're the youngest head writer
in the history of late night.
You can't just quit.
Well, I did.
And I do.
Listen, you're up and
down in this career.
Right now, you're up.
But if you walk away,
I'm telling you, one
day you'll regret it.
I won't.
I suck shit at this fucking job.
You were right. I never
should have taken it.
I wasn't the right person for it.
The only reason you were failing
is because I set you up to fail.
I'm sorry.
Give me another chance.
Please.
Even though I probably
don't deserve one.
You don't.
I promise I'll make it up to you.
Don't say that.
Please don't say that.
Because when you say that,
I want to believe you.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
But you always let me down.
I won't.
This time.
I can't trust you.
I understand why you feel that way,
but I'm begging you.
What do I have to do,
run back into that ocean?
Because I will.
Even if I did come back
I don't know if I can do the job.
[CHUCKLES] I don't even
know your voice anymore.
You are my voice.
♪
But I kind of hate you now.
Uh, so?
Lots of people do.
You're part of a vibrant community.
I can't write a show that
appeals to millions of people.
I-I was wrong to focus on them.
We can't make it for them.
We have to make it for each other.
We'll probably never make
it out of last place, so
we should at least try to have fun.
Yeah.
I haven't had fun in a long time.
Me either.
[WAVES CRASHING]
♪
I guess I do have to make
fun of Stacey to someone.
[LAUGHS] Please.
I mean, how do you tell an HR
person they need to wear deodorant?
- I mean, that is a trap.
- Oh, I did.
She said she doesn't sweat
that much and doesn't need it.
I was thinking, girl, you do.
[LAUGHTER]
It's not up to you.
It's up to us, actually.
[LAUGHTER]
Hold on a second.
[KING PRINCESS' "CURSED"]
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
- [SIGHS]
- What is that?
[CORK POPS]
[LAUGHS]
Something we should have
shared a long time ago.
♪
Yeah, it's been in my trunk for months.
Yeah, it's awful.
Yeah.
Well, it had to end ♪
I saw Stacey in the kitchen
eating a banana with the peel on.
- [LAUGHING] You did not!
- Peel on.
- That's a lie!
- Like a corn on the cob.
It's a curse to be your friend ♪
I love you so you cause me pain ♪
Yeah, and it's a curse to be alone ♪
You left me out here in the rain ♪
I miss you more the more I grow ♪
I love you so you cause me pain ♪
Oh, it's a curse to be your friend ♪
Oh, you look the same ♪
Did you stop smoking weed ♪
Or trying to please your dad? ♪
He's not thinking about your pain ♪
Oh, it had to end ♪
But endings lead to better things ♪
Like feeling again ♪
Mm, it's a curse to be your friend ♪
I love you so you cause me pain ♪
Yeah, and it's a curse to be alone ♪
You left me out here in the rain ♪
I miss you more the more I grow ♪
I love you so you cause me pain ♪
Oh, it's a curse to be your friend ♪
♪