Mandy (2019) s04e06 Episode Script
It's Not You, It's Mandy
1
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
Hey, Lola, want to come round
mine this evening and binge watch
Storage Wars Season 94?
Not tonight, Mandy. I
have plans. Big plans.
Plans?! What sort of plans?
What you doing planning
things without me?
If you must know,
Mandy, I have a date.
A date? You? Who with?
Don't be so surprised, Mandy.
I knew if I waited out
my 30s and 40s single
I would have my pick of the most
eligible suitable divorcees.
Get them in their prime and
then clean up with their
-Winter Fuel Payments.
-Where did you find him, on an app?
No, Mandy!
Dating apps are for teenagers,
perverts and married people.
I went to a respectable
dating agency.
They make sure they actually
look like their photo
and they check their
criminal record
and they give them a proper
test of the down below area -
to check if the seed is
withered or poisoned.
Saves a lot of time for a busy
local businesswoman like myself.
You should try it, Mandy.
You're not getting any younger.
You need a man to share your
life and funeral expenses with.
MANDY SCOFFS
Men, who needs 'em?
They're always up to no good.
All of the misery in the
world is caused by men.
The News at Ten should be
renamed The News of Men.
"What have men
been up to today?"
Without men the
news would just be,
"Good evening" and "the
weather where you are."
Besides, the only man I've ever
fancied is Paddy McGuinness
and he's never going to look
twice at little Mandy Carter.
He could have any
woman he wants.
Ah, he's here. Purrr!
In his ports car.
-His sports car?
-No, his ports car.
He works at the harbour.
DOORBELL DINGS
-Ready, Lol-err?
-Coming!
Oh, Mandy, can you
lock up for me, please?
Have a lovely time on your own.
See you!
DOORBELL DINGS
Oh, cheeky!
Bye.
MUSIC: Mr Lonely
by Bobby Vinton
Lonely
I'm Mr Lonely
I have nobody
For my own
I'm so lonely
I'm Mr Lonely
Wish I had someone
To call on the phone
Now I'm a soldier
A lonely soldier
Away from home ♪
Oh, sorry. You must be
Mandy. Do take a seat.
I'm June.
So, what's brought you to
Full Moon Introductions?
What do you think?
I don't want me gas meter reading.
I'm on the shelf, aren't I?!
Well, you've come
to the right place.
We have a lot of experience
in finding matches
for the unappealing
older spinster.
Right, let's get
started, shall we?
If you'd like to fill in this form
with your likes and your dislikes.
JUNE TYPES SPEEDILY
-There, finished.
-Oh, that was quick!
Yeah, well, I don't
really like anything.
I especially don't
like filling out forms
and there wasn't a question about
whether I like Magic Eye pictures
-so I just stuck that in at the bottom.
-Lovely. OK.
Well, let me just feed this
form into the dating computer.
WHIRRING
Right, just a few
more questions.
Do you have any idea
about age range?
I haven't really
thought about it.
Hmm, well, I think it's best
to keep it as wide as possible.
I tell you what, I'll put 9-99,
like the playing age of Jenga.
Nine?! I'm not a paedo!
Oh! Oh, no!
No, you're right, not nine.
No. Not nine.
Erm, 19?
Hmm? That feels
better, doesn't it?
And have you had any thoughts about
the type of man you'd like to meet?
No, I've got very low standards.
Oh, well, I think that's
right, at your age.
I mean, we don't want to
get your hopes up too high.
There's not much left at
the bottom of the barrel.
Right!
Shall we see who the computer
has matched you up with?
OK! Here we go.
Oh, I've got good news, Mandy.
A match has been found.
Oh, his name's Gavin.
And I think you two are
going to get on famously.
What you drinking?
Carling Black Label. ♪
You don't say much, do you?
You know what they say,
"It's good to talk."
Have you ever seen a ghost?
My friend had a ghost.
It terrorised her in
her small back bedroom.
Not a euphemism!
Sorry. Sorry, how old are you?!
-You should never ask a lady her age!
-You are so old.
You fucking pig!
So, Mandy, how did
it go with Gavin?
-It were a fucking nightmare.
-Aw.
He didn't get any
of me references!
It's not like I were going on about
Clements Attlee or Frankie Vaughan!
He'd never heard of The Flumps!
I mean, come on!
Educate yourself.
Well, let's move on. Maybe he was
a little bit too young for you.
A bit?! I've got
bras older than him!
Anyway, another
match has been found
and this one's a
bit more your age,
whatever that is,
and his name is Robert.
Which I think is a
lovely name, isn't it?
-Mandy?
-Robert?
-Yeah.
-You're in a wheelchair.
Noticed that, did ya?
You're eagle-eyed.
Well, it's just they didn't
mention it at the dating agency.
-It shouldn't matter, should it?
-No.
Would you have agreed
to go on a date with me
-if you knew I was in a wheelchair?
-Yeah, absolutely.
Cos if they'd told me you dressed
like an Eastern European prostitute
I might not've turned up.
That's a bit fucking rich.
At least my legs work, mate.
I'd rather be in a wheelchair
than have a walk like yours.
-What's wrong with me walk?!
-You look like a fucking limbo dancer!
You fucking
Look, let's start
again, shall we?
It's like we've got
off on the wrong
-Sorry.
-Let's just get this over with.
MANDY SIGHS
So, er, what do you think
of this dating lark?
-Awful.
-Tell me about it.
My last date was so young he
didn't know who The Flumps were.
-Didn't know who The Flumps were?!
-Mm.
-I remember The Flumps. I used to love them.
-Yeah.
Duh-duh
Do-do
Ta-dah-dah-dah. ♪
Do-do-do-do-do. ♪
MUSIC: Scoobidoo Love, Choir
and Orchestra Charlie Steinmann
It is such a
good night to dance
It is such a good night
to scoobidoo doobidoo
Scoobidoo doobidoo
Scoobidoo doobidoo love. ♪
Oh, my God. That's so funny!
Do you want to maybe
go and watch a film
and have something to eat?
I thought you'd never ask.
-All right, I'll call us a taxi.
-Great.
-Bit higher. -Right, here we go.
-Not too hard.
BANGS
Hang on, a bit higher.
SHE GRUNTS
Right, this time.
Hang on, one more go.
Hang on.
Hang on.
SHE GRUNTS
And we're in.
Oh, you've got a
bit of a nosebleed.
Hang on, let me get a tissue.
I don't get nosebleeds
but I've got a friend who
suffers from them constantly.
There we are.
Right, we're on our way.
MUSIC: Scoobidoo Love, Choir
and Orchestra Charlie Steinmann
It is such a
good night to kiss
It is such a
good night to dance
It is such a good night
to scoobidoo doobidoo
Scoobidoo doobidoo
Scoobidoo doobidoo love. ♪
Eh, it's lovely
in here, in't it?
It's a bit dark, though.
I can barely see the menu.
Christ. Oh!
Oh, shit! Oh, Christ!
Oh!
GUESTS GASP
Oh, my God!
Shit, I'm sorry about that.
Don't worry, madam. It
happens all the time.
We have another table
for you just over here.
Right.
Oh
Ooh, that's really
shaken me up, that.
It didn't seem to bother you.
You're cool as a
cucumber, aren't you?
Have you decided what
you'd like to eat yet?
Yeah, I think we're ready
to order, aren't we?
Yeah, can I have
the risotto, please?
No starter?
No, I don't believe in starters.
I think it's just a way of
getting more money out of you.
And for you, sir?
Are you not hungry?
Bring two forks -
he might buck up.
'Ey, there's meant to be a
cluster of shooting stars tonight.
You don't fancy going up
Benders Hill with me, do you,
and watching the night sky?
Never seen a shooting
star before. Have you?
I had such a lovely time
this evening, Robert.
For the first time, I feel seen.
And you're such a good listener.
When I set that table on fire,
you were so calm,
didn't make a fuss.
Oh, look, a shooting star!
Oh! Robert, it's a sign.
I've never been so sure of
anything before in my entire life.
Robert
Robert, will you marry?
Robert?
Robert?!
Robert!
MANDY SOBS
He must've just run off.
I thought you said he
was in a wheelchair.
Wheeled off, then!
Whatever, he's gone.
There's no-one, Lola.
No-one.
I'm gonna die alone.
PHONE RINGS
CHEERILY: 'Ello?
Hello, Mandy. It's June.
SING-SONG VOICE: - I've got good
news! A match has been found for you!
Oh, no. No, thanks. I've
given up on all that now.
My heart's not strong enough.
Oh, I really think this is
someone you should meet.
What? Who? Who is it?
Well, it's not information I
can divulge on the telephone,
I'm afraid, but if
you come to the office
I think it'll be
worth your while.
Paddy fucking McGuinness?!
According to the computer, you are
the perfect match for each other.
And when I showed him your
photo he sounded very positive.
-And this is a man who knows about dating.
-I don't believe it.
I've made a reservation for
you both tonight for a drink
at Hotel du Maisonmal at 8pm.
I do hope you can make it.
DOORBELL DINGS
Oh, my God, Mandy!
Are you OK? What has happened?
I'm going to go on a date
with Paddy McGuinness.
Amazing! "No lighty, no likey!"
-Will you help me get ready, Lola?
-Of course, Mandy!
You need to pull out
all the stops this time.
You don't want another
disaster like Robert.
-Who?
-Robert.
The man in the wheelchair
you were about to propose to
-and he ran away.
-Oh, that cunt.
I can't even remember
what I saw in him.
Hey, how's your romance
with Captain Birdseye going?
I caught him cheating
on our pre-nup,
trying to hide an ISA from me.
It's all over.
Anyway, Mandy, you want to look
approachable but not a pushover,
smart but not a snob,
sophisticated but relaxed.
I am thinking
MUSIC: She's A
Lady by Tom Jones
Well, she's all
you'd ever want
She's the kind I'd like
to flaunt and take to dinner
Well, she always
knows her place
She's got style,
she's got grace
She's a winner
She's a lady
Whoa, whoa, whoa she's a lady
Talking about
that little lady. ♪
MUSIC STOPS
-Good evening, madam.
-Hiya.
-What would you like to drink?
-Um
What does Jon Hamm
drink in Mad Men?
That would be an
old-fashioned, madam.
-Can I have one of them?
-Excellent choice.
-Enjoy.
-Ta.
-Here you are, madam.
-Ta.
Ta.
Good evening, sir. What
would you like to drink?
Oh, er, what does Jon
Hamm drink in Mad Men?
That would be an
old-fashioned, sir.
-I'll have one of them.
-Coming right up.
-Enjoy.
-Thank you.
MANDY SNORES
MUSIC: Addicted to
Love by Robert Palmer
The lights are on
But you're not home
You're mind is not your own
Your heart sweats
Your body shakes
Another kiss is what it takes
You can't sleep
Ooohh ♪
No likey.
Hello, June. Yeah, it's Paddy.
McGuinness.
Another no-show, I'm afraid.
I can't believe it either.
I used to be a catch.
They'd be queuing
up round the block.
No, no, balls to
it. I'm going home.
See if I can catch the
last 20 minutes of whatever
Ant and fucking Dec are doing.
MANDY SNORES
LOUD BANG
Paddy McGuinness!
Who was I kidding?
He was never going turn up
for little Mandy Carter.
-Cheer up, love!
-Fuck off!
You're going to have to face
it you're addicted to love
Might as well face it
you're addicted to love
Might as well face it
you're addicted to love
Might as well face it
you're addicted to love
Might as well face it
you're addicted to love
Might as well face it
you're addicted to love! ♪
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
Hey, Lola, want to come round
mine this evening and binge watch
Storage Wars Season 94?
Not tonight, Mandy. I
have plans. Big plans.
Plans?! What sort of plans?
What you doing planning
things without me?
If you must know,
Mandy, I have a date.
A date? You? Who with?
Don't be so surprised, Mandy.
I knew if I waited out
my 30s and 40s single
I would have my pick of the most
eligible suitable divorcees.
Get them in their prime and
then clean up with their
-Winter Fuel Payments.
-Where did you find him, on an app?
No, Mandy!
Dating apps are for teenagers,
perverts and married people.
I went to a respectable
dating agency.
They make sure they actually
look like their photo
and they check their
criminal record
and they give them a proper
test of the down below area -
to check if the seed is
withered or poisoned.
Saves a lot of time for a busy
local businesswoman like myself.
You should try it, Mandy.
You're not getting any younger.
You need a man to share your
life and funeral expenses with.
MANDY SCOFFS
Men, who needs 'em?
They're always up to no good.
All of the misery in the
world is caused by men.
The News at Ten should be
renamed The News of Men.
"What have men
been up to today?"
Without men the
news would just be,
"Good evening" and "the
weather where you are."
Besides, the only man I've ever
fancied is Paddy McGuinness
and he's never going to look
twice at little Mandy Carter.
He could have any
woman he wants.
Ah, he's here. Purrr!
In his ports car.
-His sports car?
-No, his ports car.
He works at the harbour.
DOORBELL DINGS
-Ready, Lol-err?
-Coming!
Oh, Mandy, can you
lock up for me, please?
Have a lovely time on your own.
See you!
DOORBELL DINGS
Oh, cheeky!
Bye.
MUSIC: Mr Lonely
by Bobby Vinton
Lonely
I'm Mr Lonely
I have nobody
For my own
I'm so lonely
I'm Mr Lonely
Wish I had someone
To call on the phone
Now I'm a soldier
A lonely soldier
Away from home ♪
Oh, sorry. You must be
Mandy. Do take a seat.
I'm June.
So, what's brought you to
Full Moon Introductions?
What do you think?
I don't want me gas meter reading.
I'm on the shelf, aren't I?!
Well, you've come
to the right place.
We have a lot of experience
in finding matches
for the unappealing
older spinster.
Right, let's get
started, shall we?
If you'd like to fill in this form
with your likes and your dislikes.
JUNE TYPES SPEEDILY
-There, finished.
-Oh, that was quick!
Yeah, well, I don't
really like anything.
I especially don't
like filling out forms
and there wasn't a question about
whether I like Magic Eye pictures
-so I just stuck that in at the bottom.
-Lovely. OK.
Well, let me just feed this
form into the dating computer.
WHIRRING
Right, just a few
more questions.
Do you have any idea
about age range?
I haven't really
thought about it.
Hmm, well, I think it's best
to keep it as wide as possible.
I tell you what, I'll put 9-99,
like the playing age of Jenga.
Nine?! I'm not a paedo!
Oh! Oh, no!
No, you're right, not nine.
No. Not nine.
Erm, 19?
Hmm? That feels
better, doesn't it?
And have you had any thoughts about
the type of man you'd like to meet?
No, I've got very low standards.
Oh, well, I think that's
right, at your age.
I mean, we don't want to
get your hopes up too high.
There's not much left at
the bottom of the barrel.
Right!
Shall we see who the computer
has matched you up with?
OK! Here we go.
Oh, I've got good news, Mandy.
A match has been found.
Oh, his name's Gavin.
And I think you two are
going to get on famously.
What you drinking?
Carling Black Label. ♪
You don't say much, do you?
You know what they say,
"It's good to talk."
Have you ever seen a ghost?
My friend had a ghost.
It terrorised her in
her small back bedroom.
Not a euphemism!
Sorry. Sorry, how old are you?!
-You should never ask a lady her age!
-You are so old.
You fucking pig!
So, Mandy, how did
it go with Gavin?
-It were a fucking nightmare.
-Aw.
He didn't get any
of me references!
It's not like I were going on about
Clements Attlee or Frankie Vaughan!
He'd never heard of The Flumps!
I mean, come on!
Educate yourself.
Well, let's move on. Maybe he was
a little bit too young for you.
A bit?! I've got
bras older than him!
Anyway, another
match has been found
and this one's a
bit more your age,
whatever that is,
and his name is Robert.
Which I think is a
lovely name, isn't it?
-Mandy?
-Robert?
-Yeah.
-You're in a wheelchair.
Noticed that, did ya?
You're eagle-eyed.
Well, it's just they didn't
mention it at the dating agency.
-It shouldn't matter, should it?
-No.
Would you have agreed
to go on a date with me
-if you knew I was in a wheelchair?
-Yeah, absolutely.
Cos if they'd told me you dressed
like an Eastern European prostitute
I might not've turned up.
That's a bit fucking rich.
At least my legs work, mate.
I'd rather be in a wheelchair
than have a walk like yours.
-What's wrong with me walk?!
-You look like a fucking limbo dancer!
You fucking
Look, let's start
again, shall we?
It's like we've got
off on the wrong
-Sorry.
-Let's just get this over with.
MANDY SIGHS
So, er, what do you think
of this dating lark?
-Awful.
-Tell me about it.
My last date was so young he
didn't know who The Flumps were.
-Didn't know who The Flumps were?!
-Mm.
-I remember The Flumps. I used to love them.
-Yeah.
Duh-duh
Do-do
Ta-dah-dah-dah. ♪
Do-do-do-do-do. ♪
MUSIC: Scoobidoo Love, Choir
and Orchestra Charlie Steinmann
It is such a
good night to dance
It is such a good night
to scoobidoo doobidoo
Scoobidoo doobidoo
Scoobidoo doobidoo love. ♪
Oh, my God. That's so funny!
Do you want to maybe
go and watch a film
and have something to eat?
I thought you'd never ask.
-All right, I'll call us a taxi.
-Great.
-Bit higher. -Right, here we go.
-Not too hard.
BANGS
Hang on, a bit higher.
SHE GRUNTS
Right, this time.
Hang on, one more go.
Hang on.
Hang on.
SHE GRUNTS
And we're in.
Oh, you've got a
bit of a nosebleed.
Hang on, let me get a tissue.
I don't get nosebleeds
but I've got a friend who
suffers from them constantly.
There we are.
Right, we're on our way.
MUSIC: Scoobidoo Love, Choir
and Orchestra Charlie Steinmann
It is such a
good night to kiss
It is such a
good night to dance
It is such a good night
to scoobidoo doobidoo
Scoobidoo doobidoo
Scoobidoo doobidoo love. ♪
Eh, it's lovely
in here, in't it?
It's a bit dark, though.
I can barely see the menu.
Christ. Oh!
Oh, shit! Oh, Christ!
Oh!
GUESTS GASP
Oh, my God!
Shit, I'm sorry about that.
Don't worry, madam. It
happens all the time.
We have another table
for you just over here.
Right.
Oh
Ooh, that's really
shaken me up, that.
It didn't seem to bother you.
You're cool as a
cucumber, aren't you?
Have you decided what
you'd like to eat yet?
Yeah, I think we're ready
to order, aren't we?
Yeah, can I have
the risotto, please?
No starter?
No, I don't believe in starters.
I think it's just a way of
getting more money out of you.
And for you, sir?
Are you not hungry?
Bring two forks -
he might buck up.
'Ey, there's meant to be a
cluster of shooting stars tonight.
You don't fancy going up
Benders Hill with me, do you,
and watching the night sky?
Never seen a shooting
star before. Have you?
I had such a lovely time
this evening, Robert.
For the first time, I feel seen.
And you're such a good listener.
When I set that table on fire,
you were so calm,
didn't make a fuss.
Oh, look, a shooting star!
Oh! Robert, it's a sign.
I've never been so sure of
anything before in my entire life.
Robert
Robert, will you marry?
Robert?
Robert?!
Robert!
MANDY SOBS
He must've just run off.
I thought you said he
was in a wheelchair.
Wheeled off, then!
Whatever, he's gone.
There's no-one, Lola.
No-one.
I'm gonna die alone.
PHONE RINGS
CHEERILY: 'Ello?
Hello, Mandy. It's June.
SING-SONG VOICE: - I've got good
news! A match has been found for you!
Oh, no. No, thanks. I've
given up on all that now.
My heart's not strong enough.
Oh, I really think this is
someone you should meet.
What? Who? Who is it?
Well, it's not information I
can divulge on the telephone,
I'm afraid, but if
you come to the office
I think it'll be
worth your while.
Paddy fucking McGuinness?!
According to the computer, you are
the perfect match for each other.
And when I showed him your
photo he sounded very positive.
-And this is a man who knows about dating.
-I don't believe it.
I've made a reservation for
you both tonight for a drink
at Hotel du Maisonmal at 8pm.
I do hope you can make it.
DOORBELL DINGS
Oh, my God, Mandy!
Are you OK? What has happened?
I'm going to go on a date
with Paddy McGuinness.
Amazing! "No lighty, no likey!"
-Will you help me get ready, Lola?
-Of course, Mandy!
You need to pull out
all the stops this time.
You don't want another
disaster like Robert.
-Who?
-Robert.
The man in the wheelchair
you were about to propose to
-and he ran away.
-Oh, that cunt.
I can't even remember
what I saw in him.
Hey, how's your romance
with Captain Birdseye going?
I caught him cheating
on our pre-nup,
trying to hide an ISA from me.
It's all over.
Anyway, Mandy, you want to look
approachable but not a pushover,
smart but not a snob,
sophisticated but relaxed.
I am thinking
MUSIC: She's A
Lady by Tom Jones
Well, she's all
you'd ever want
She's the kind I'd like
to flaunt and take to dinner
Well, she always
knows her place
She's got style,
she's got grace
She's a winner
She's a lady
Whoa, whoa, whoa she's a lady
Talking about
that little lady. ♪
MUSIC STOPS
-Good evening, madam.
-Hiya.
-What would you like to drink?
-Um
What does Jon Hamm
drink in Mad Men?
That would be an
old-fashioned, madam.
-Can I have one of them?
-Excellent choice.
-Enjoy.
-Ta.
-Here you are, madam.
-Ta.
Ta.
Good evening, sir. What
would you like to drink?
Oh, er, what does Jon
Hamm drink in Mad Men?
That would be an
old-fashioned, sir.
-I'll have one of them.
-Coming right up.
-Enjoy.
-Thank you.
MANDY SNORES
MUSIC: Addicted to
Love by Robert Palmer
The lights are on
But you're not home
You're mind is not your own
Your heart sweats
Your body shakes
Another kiss is what it takes
You can't sleep
Ooohh ♪
No likey.
Hello, June. Yeah, it's Paddy.
McGuinness.
Another no-show, I'm afraid.
I can't believe it either.
I used to be a catch.
They'd be queuing
up round the block.
No, no, balls to
it. I'm going home.
See if I can catch the
last 20 minutes of whatever
Ant and fucking Dec are doing.
MANDY SNORES
LOUD BANG
Paddy McGuinness!
Who was I kidding?
He was never going turn up
for little Mandy Carter.
-Cheer up, love!
-Fuck off!
You're going to have to face
it you're addicted to love
Might as well face it
you're addicted to love
Might as well face it
you're addicted to love
Might as well face it
you're addicted to love
Might as well face it
you're addicted to love
Might as well face it
you're addicted to love! ♪