Ted Lasso (2020) s04e06 Episode Script

1
Maybe it's much too
early in the game ♪
But I thought I'd
ask you just the same ♪
What are you doing New Year's ♪
New Year's Eve? ♪
Oh, look at that.
You won't get lipstick off with soap.
To properly clean a glass,
you've gotta use the paste.
Baking soda, salt, water,
and an F-you attitude.
Oh.
Then you rinse them and
leave them to air-dry.
Well, what's the rag for?
[CHUCKLES]
Looks cool when you throw
it over your shoulder.
Mmm.
[MAE] Oh, yeah.
I've never seen you so
interested in doing dishes before.
- Well, that's 'cause Mae is paying him.
- [MAE] Hmm.
It's a time and a half on holidays.
Oh, well, let's see if
you make it to midnight.
I'm ready.
I've stayed up the past
two nights till 1:00 a.m.
- with hardly any hallucinations.
- [MAE] Great!
Next lesson, rinsing the beer mats.
- Awesome.
- Mm-hmm.
- Come on.
- [TED CHUCKLES]
You sure you don't want to go
to this boat party with the team?
You used to dream of being a
private eye who lived on a boat.
Yeah, I grew the mustache
and everything, you know?
- Yeah?
- No, I'm good.
I want to be here with y'all.
Trust me, those gals don't
need me to have a fun time.
- Cheers, guys!
- Happy New Year!
[ALL CHEERING]
Whoo!
Do you guys think Alice
is gonna come tonight?
Well, technically, she's suspended,
but maybe a boat party doesn't count.
Oh, yeah, 'cause it's technically
international waters, isn't it?
We're on a river in the
middle of London, you wet wipe.
There's no need to be so fucking
condescending all the time, Siobhan.
- Have a laugh, man. Come on. You just
- No, it's not funny.
Stop, stop, stop. You two are
not going to pull this shit today.
I've paid a lot of money for a
babysitter and I'd like to get drunk.
- So stop it, okay?
- She's talking to you.
Oh, there you are.
What are you doing out here?
We can't have our guests of honor
just standing out in the cold.
Unless you can't feel it because
you're all doing ketamine. Mmm?
No, just me?
All right. Well, come on!
Come this way. Come on.
- Let me lead the way. Come on, please.
- [CHEERING]
Welcome, welcome.
- Oh, great.
- What?
Now Matthijs has turned
his Find My Phone off.
He obviously thinks
I'm trying to track him.
Which you would never do.
Course not. [SIGHS]
He's probably just been mugged
and had his phone stolen.
[SIGHS] That'd be lovely.
- [HISSING]
- [BOTH] Ooh.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Looks like the color
of the soap in my gym.
- Cheers.
- Ding.
- Oh. Ah.
- Mmm.
- Oh! Thanks. [CHUCKLES]
- Steady on.
- Right.
- Should we go?
- [REBECCA] Through here?
- Yeah. [GASPS, LAUGHS]
[EXCLAIMS]
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Uh, I know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna text Matthijs, "Happy New
Year," for midnight in Amsterdam.
He'll know I'm thinking about
him, so he'll message me back
and we'll get into a bit
of sexy, texty banter.
And bish, bosh,
everything's back on track.
I love that.
But, in the meantime,
it doesn't matter that
Matthijs isn't here with you
or that Roy isn't here with me.
Because we have each other
and that is all we need.
Mmm.
- Is that Roy?
- Where?
- [SERVERS HISSING]
- [GLASS BREAKS]
- Oh, he's here.
- He's there.
[KEELEY] And he's all alone.
- Thought you said he had a girlfriend.
- He does. Or did.
I mean, maybe they broke up
because who doesn't spend New Year's
without their girlfriend, right?
Sorry.
- Hello, Roy.
- Rebecca.
- Hello, Roy.
- Keeley.
I didn't have you down as a
vodka-launch-party kind of a guy.
Oh, uh, I'm not here for the vodka.
I'm here to watch a man make
an absolute tit of himself.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
- [KEELEY] Oh.
- Here we go.
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
- [ANIMAL SNORTS]
- [GLASS CLINKING]
[SLURPS]
- [CROWD CHEERS]
- Is that supposed to be Jamie?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ALL EXCLAIM]
- [JAMIE] First, God created Adam.
And then he thought, "You
need to get laid, son."
So he asked Adam, "Can
I have one of your ribs?"
And Adam said, "Of course, mate.
You're God. Knock yourself out."
And God took that rib and made vodka.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CHUCKLES]
What the fuck have they done to my face?
He never misses.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Such a lovely party.
Thank you so much for inviting us.
- Yeah.
- Leslie's not usually one for boats, but
with his new motion sickness glasses,
the odds of him vomiting everywhere
are decreased significantly.
There's nothing more embarrassing
than a case of seasickness.
Well, I'm not sure about that.
You know, I just thought it was
time that all my influential friends
got to know this exciting new team
and the brains behind it, you know?
Oh, by the way, where is Rebecca?
Uh Oh, I'm certain she's on her way.
You'd think with those long legs
that she'd get places sooner, you know?
'Cause she's really tall, isn't she?
Yeah, have you noticed that?
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- Yeah.
David Hockney, you bastard,
where are my rollerblades?
Shut up, you doughnut.
This is Leslie Higgins. He's the
director of football at Richmond.
And this is his charmingly
age-appropriate wife, Julie.
It's me.
Unfortunately, this is Hugo Riddles.
I don't like him.
I don't trust him.
He's my best friend.
- [LAUGHS]
- Tony fucking Blair.
You little war criminal.
Come here and give me a kiss.
- My, oh my, aren't you delicious?
- [GIGGLES]
Oh, yes, you are.
[GIGGLING, STAMMERS] Leslie.
Oh, this is wild.
It's like Great Gatsby
and the host is Maleficent.
I told some creepy, rich dude
that I was a professional athlete
and he propositioned me.
What? For sex?
No, he wants to buy my blood.
Oh. Well, we do want to get a new couch.
I am telling you, we are one
blindfolded piano player away
from this turning into an
Eyes Wide Shut situation.
Oh, God, no.
- Wow. That's great.
- Oh, no, no.
Okay, Lizzie, just
chill out a bit, yeah?
Act like you've been here before.
I have not been here before, Gemma.
And it is very, very unlikely
I'll ever be here again, okay?
In fact, turn around.
Make sure no one's looking.
- At what?
- Make sure no one's fucking looking.
- Turn around.
- Oh, my God.
- Don't draw attention to me.
- Oh, my God.
- Ready?
- Oh, my God.
- Shield me.
- Yep, yep, okay.
Keep shielding.
- Aw, yes.
- [GEMMA] Ham, really?
- [LIZZIE] Yeah, absolutely.
- [GEMMA] Okay.
- Done?
- Yes.
What up, squad?
- [PLAYERS CHEERING]
- You look nice!
- Oh, my God!
- Wow!
Tonight is my rebirth.
Baby, new year, but with swagger.
- [PLAYERS CHEERING]
- Very nice.
- As you were, happy New Year.
- [LAUGHING]
- Yeah.
- You both are wearing the same outfit.
- [GROANS] Not the same.
- No.
Hey, Coach. Is Alice coming tonight?
I don't know.
[GEMMA] Hmm.
[PARTNER] What do you
mean you don't know?
This is your 14th outfit. Do
you want me to just pick for you?
No. No, you've already
done my makeup for me.
Purple was a crazy choice,
by the way, for a face.
[SIGHS] Okay, I've thought about
it, and I think I'm overthinking it.
It's very simple.
I just wanna look
authentic, but also modest,
but also, like, stand
out but not too much.
Like, just a little bit,
just-just enough that they're like,
"Oh, man, she's really cool.
We've really missed her."
Something I don't know. I'm bitching.
Hey. Look, I know you're
stressed, but it's a party.
It'll be fun.
[SIGHS] Nobody even wants me there.
Shouldn't even be going.
I'm still suspended, remember?
"Reject the sense of injury and
the injury itself disappears."
And who knows?
Maybe then have a little dance.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, maybe.
If the DJ isn't shit.
- [LAUGHS]
- Okay, please.
Please, will you get dressed
and come with me? Please.
You can wear one of my
13 discarded outfits.
You can wear Oh,
you can wear the suit.
Fuck me, you would look
so good in the suit.
[GRUNTS] No. No, look, I've
told you, I'm not going.
Why?
Because if I go, you'll just hide
behind me and my effortless charm
and my crazy impressive reference
level, and you won't talk to anybody.
Especially if I'm wearing that suit.
Then you're gonna want
to leave after 30 minutes.
Does not sound like me.
[CHUCKLES] Babe.
I know how much this team means to you.
Maybe it's time you
let yourself show them.
How? By standing around, drinking
champagne, making small talk?
Sounds fucking horrible.
Except the drinking
part, which I can do here,
where nobody hates me.
All right.
You're missing out on a
very good midnight kiss.
I've been saving up.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
Thing is, I don't have
to kiss you at midnight.
I can kiss you when
you go to bed tonight.
And I can kiss you when
you wake up tomorrow.
And I can kiss you now.
- [CHUCKLES] Go on then.
- [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]
I know what I'm gonna wear.
- [SNAPS FINGERS]
- I know what I'm gonna wear.
[SQUEALS]
- [REBECCA] Ooh!
- [KEELEY] Cheers!
[REBECCA, KEELEY LAUGHS]
I can't believe they made
me look like that, man.
Fuck. They bottled it.
They bottled the bottle.
Oh, but at least the
vodka tastes bloody good.
- Yeah.
- Who cares, man?
I look like a two-eyed cyclops.
I think they captured you perfectly.
Oi.
Anyway [CLEARS THROAT]
it's good to see ya.
- Yeah?
- I mean, Barcelona's great and all that.
But I miss the boys,
- I miss you lot, innit?
- Oh.
It's just different cultures.
You know what I mean?
It's mostly just tapas and napas there.
Seriously, we get
scheduled naps every day.
I think that that's the
secret to the team's success.
Mostly napping.
And how's your Spanish coming along?
Très bien, merci.
So, come on, did you miss me?
Fuck off.
- He fucking missed me.
- He fucking missed you.
I haven't missed you at all.
It's fucking better without you.
If-If anything, it's a relief.
If you miss me, tell me to fuck off.
- [GROANS]
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- [LAUGHS]
Should we have another
quick round of tarttinis
before we head off to Zelda's,
- you know, whatever it is?
- [GASPS] Oh!
Do you gentlemen perhaps feel like
joining us for a boat party tonight?
[GROANS] Can't. Gotta stay here till
at least midnight, contractually.
Unless there's some
sort of family emergency
or an act of God like, um,
a earthquake or crucifixion.
I would love to, but
sadly, I have other plans.
- Sorry.
- What? That's okay. [CHUCKLES]
- In fact, I really should get going.
- Oh.
What w Okay. Bye, Roy.
- Happy New Year.
- And you.
Bye, Roy. Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year, Keeley.
- Yeah, you too.
Hey, all jokes aside though, Roy,
appreciate you coming through
and supporting me tonight.
You're like the brother I never had.
Yeah, you too.
A brother who was
kidnapped by the government
because they thought he was a werewolf
due to the fact he was
so fucking hairy, but
- This isn't horrible.
- I'm obsessed.
[JAMIE] I know.
["JUMP AROUND" PLAYING]
Jump, jump, jump, jump ♪
Okay. Okay.
Jump, jump, jump, jump,
jump, jump everybody, jump ♪
Pack it up, pack it in let me begin ♪
I came to win battle
me, that's a sin ♪
I won't ever slack up
punk, ya better back up ♪
Men do love a song with
an instruction, right?
Like a grown-up version of
"Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes."
I came to get down
I came to get down ♪
So get out your
seat and jump around ♪
- Jump around ♪
- [KNEE CRACKING]
- [ROY] Whoa! [GRUNTS]
- [REBECCA] Oh, my God!
- Oh, shit!
- Okay, okay.
- Roy, no! No!
- [GROANS]
Oh, fuck! I shouldn't
have jumped around!
You had no choice, Roy!
- Fuck!
- Roy, are you okay?
- Can you get up?
- [GROANS] I think my knee's exploded.
- [GROANS]
- What the fuck are you doing?
I always knew I'd end up
looking after you one day.
- [ROY GROANING]
- [JAMIE STRAINING]
- Oh.
- [ROY] Fuck.
Put me down! Fuck! This is humiliating!
We're getting you out of here!
Move, everyone!
I'm saving Private Roy!
[ROY] No!
So, how's the book coming along?
- Oh, it's been really fun.
- Oh, yeah?
I found all these gems about
Mark Twain's time abroad,
but then I'm like, I don't know.
Is anyone going to care about the
adventures of an American in London?
[GRUNTS]
- And what about you? How's work?
- Hmm.
Oh, thanks for asking.
Um, yeah. I mean, it's good. I think.
[GRUNTS] You know
I actually don't know.
All I know is you're not
at the team party tonight.
Is everything okay?
Ma'am. Sir.
Nibbles and bits at your service.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
With a side of party hats.
- Oh. Thank you.
- Oh, of course. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, put them on.
- Oh, very sorry.
- Yes, sir. Okay, yeah. Right away.
- Rookies.
- [SCOFFS]
- [MICHELLE CHUCKLES]
- [TED] Hmm.
Boy, that waiter is a little bossy, huh?
I'm still waiting for an answer.
Yeah, well, I You know, I don't know.
I guess I'm just feeling a little,
uh, all at sea these days, you know.
Probably why I didn't want
to spend the night on a boat.
So you're feeling adrift?
Uh, yeah, cinematically speaking,
I am on a raft and Wilson
is just floating away.
- Well, it's not surprising.
- Hmm?
You always could be
thrown off by a Wilson.
- Wilson was a woman.
- What? No, come on.
No, Wilson was definitely a fella. Yeah.
Uh, otherwise, Tom Hanks's
whole relationship with him
would have been wildly inappropriate
to Helen Hunt's character.
Fine. So now you have an entire
team of non-Wilsons rattling you.
Well, I wouldn't say they're rattling
me, but there are a lot of them.
And a coach that I believe in.
I'm not sure I did the right
thing by suspending her.
The amount of times I've seen
you doubt yourself, Ted
[SIGHS] Mmm. Yeah.
You know what Mark Twain would say?
Mmm. What's that?
When in doubt, tell the truth.
I like that.
But I know you're a great coach.
You know why?
[SCOFFS] No, why?
You taught me how to throw a dart.
["GET UP (I FEEL LIKE BEING
A SEX MACHINE)" PLAYING]
- All right. Play again.
- Yeah.
Get on up, stay on the scene ♪
Get on up like a sex machine ♪
Get on up, get up,
get on up, get up ♪
Get on up, stay on the scene ♪
Get on up like a sex machine ♪
Get on up, get up ♪
Beard.
Get on up like a sex machine ♪
[LAUGHS]
- Yes.
- Whoa. [CHUCKLES]
I want you to meet Claudine.
She's my Botox injector, my
facialist, my wellness shop mixologist.
She's my microdoser.
- I can't tell if you're serious.
- Well, that's because of the Botox.
Look, no emotions. Like
[GASPS] my dog is dead.
- My dog is dead.
- You You do very good work.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
This is the guy I was telling you about.
- This is Beard.
- Mmm.
- So it is.
- Yeah.
I'll leave you to it.
Nigel Farage, I'm gonna make
you walk the fucking plank.
Come here.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- Mmm.
[CHUCKLES] Zelda tells me you have
a lot of good Burning Man stories.
Well, I've heard it said that Burning
Man has some great stories about me.
[CHUCKLES]
- [LAUGHING]
- Hey. What's that guy's story?
- Oh.
- Who? Which one?
The one that's dressed like Ace Ventura.
- [SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
- He is the richest guy here.
He basically invented virtual
reality, but now he, um
Now he makes weapons.
Hey, Lizzie, are you
jealous of his cargo shorts?
Imagine the meat and cheese
you could fit in there.
- Mmm.
- Well, you're all saying that,
but at 1:00 a.m., you're all going
to be gagging for my purse ham.
[ALL CLAMORING]
Purse ham?
Never again. Never again.
- Hey, look.
- Whoo!
Guys, guys, look who showed up.
[NIAMH] Whoa. [CHUCKLES]
What is she doing?
[MARGY] It looks like
she's malfunctioning.
See, I told you she was a robot.
Hey, cut her some slack.
Took guts to show up.
[MARGY] Oh, when did you
become so understanding?
[GEMMA] It's my New Year's resolution.
It's that or eat healthier,
and I'm not doing that.
- Hello.
- Hiya!
- Hi, sorry I'm late.
- [GEMMA] It's fine.
Don't worry, the people
here are absolutely mental.
- You all look very nice.
- That suit looks bloody gorgeous.
- Stunning.
- Do you want that?
- Lovely tie.
- Oh, cheers.
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
I actually, on the way over here
I want you to meet these badasses
because I'm in awe of them.
You really are badasses.
This is my friend Hugo.
He is the worst.
I really am an enormous piece of shit.
[LAUGHS]
[CHUCKLING]
These people are really weird, right?
Aw, do they frighten you, little baby?
Yeah, kinda.
Yeah, me too.
This team Hugo, they're
really going places.
They've got the best coaches.
They've got that Ted Lasso guy,
and they've got that
guy who's called Beard.
Oh, my God, you would love him.
He'd hate you.
And we have Gemma Jay.
Oh, you're a superstar.
You really are the future of this sport.
- Superstar in the making.
- Thank you.
- [LIZZIE] Superstar, no less.
- Way too good a star.
Oh. Sorry, excuse me. I have to go.
Prince Andrew's trying
to get back on the boat.
[GRUNTS]
[CHUCKLES]
Ah.
I once shorn a peasant to this song.
[CHUCKLES] Don't you mean "pheasant"?
Sure.
[VOCALIZING]
Ow, ow
So, a-are they gonna donate his
old knee to science or something,
because if they don't, do
you think I could have it?
I've got this idea for a
necklace with his patella.
Once again, the doctor
will be able to answer
- all your questions.
- Questions. Yeah.
Hi. Sorry, I came as quick as I could.
Hello. Oh, hello, everyone.
- Hi.
- Hello, Doctor.
Hello, Doctor.
You all right?
Fuck me, she's gorgeous and a doctor?
Mmm. God giveth and God giveth to her.
- Have you given him anything?
- Beer.
Yeah, we gave him the good stuff.
Did you?
- [REBECCA SNORTS]
- [LAUGHS]
So what happened then? I
thought we were meeting at 10:00
and then you just stopped
responding to my texts.
- [ROY SIGHS]
- Wait.
[JAMIE] Uh, doctor lady, I can explain.
See, "Jump Around" came on, so
Right.
- No, I get it. Say no more.
- Yeah.
I was at med school during
"Crank That Soulja Boy."
- [SCOFFS]
- Lost a few good men.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.
I was in a House of Pain.
- Were you?
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- It's okay. It's okay.
- Are you drunk?
- No.
- How dare you
- Uh, he's had quite a skinful, Doctor.
Oh, yeah, Jamie Tartt's tart apple
vodka coming to a shelf near you.
[GRUNTS, CHUCKLES]
Um, but don't, uh Don't Don't
actually look at the label though.
And he's slightly
allergic to penicillin.
He claims he has hay fever,
but I'm pretty sure it's
just to cover up that he's
crying at Inside Out 2.
And, uh, he shouldn't go too
long without a protein bar
or he gets all weird.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, well, thank you.
Unfortunately, I'm gonna have
to ask any non-immediate family
to leave the room while
I sort this one out.
Oh. Yes, of course.
Hey.
Don't you die.
Wassup!
Oh, you can stay to look
after your dad, love.
[CHUCKLES] Uh, thank you, but
it's too hard seeing him like this.
I think I'll wait outside.
Good luck, Dad! [CHUCKLES]
What a fucking arsehole.
Let's get you a tea. Okay.
[GEMMA] Don't jump!
Oh, my God, no. I I wasn't.
I was just, um, having a minute.
I'm kidding.
Well, yeah, obviously.
- Thanks.
- I mean,
if one of us dies, it'll be from
an Illuminati blood ritual, right?
Yeah. Well, I hope my
iron deficiency makes me
a less desirable candidate.
- Cheers.
- Ah.
[CHUCKLES]
I think it's cool that you came.
Yeah, well, you know, I wanted to
bring in the new year with my team.
You're doing a great job of it, mate.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah. Yeah.
I'm really glad you're
playing football again.
Even if you are studying
law for some reason.
Oh, I do that for the
student discount at Pret.
[CHUCKLES]
What does a rich kid
need with a discount?
Rich kid?
I'm a full-time student whose
day job is in women's football.
I'll take all the help I can get.
[GRUNTS]
Can I say something slightly personal?
If you hate it, you can
just throw me overboard.
When we played together, you were
I know I was.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to be dramatic
or anything. It's just
weird being around you again.
In a good way, mostly.
It's just different. [CHUCKLES]
'Cause you were an arsehole.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I was. [CHUCKLES]
I think I still am really.
What? Why?
Well, the team hate me for a start.
They don't hate you, they're
just figuring you out.
- Hmm.
- You're intense.
Sometimes people need
a minute with intense.
For what it's worth, I like you.
Even when you're being an arsehole.
Aw, thank you.
You're welcome. [CHUCKLES]
Did you know that The
Adventures of Tom Sawyer
came out in England six months before
it came out in America? You know why?
What? He ticked the wrong
box on the paperwork?
No, because the only way to
secure the British copyright
was to publish it here first.
That one choice made him a fortune.
Ooh, I love me a
business savvy satirist.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- Happy New Year, lady Coach.
- And Coach's lady.
- [TED] Hey, fellas.
Uh Y'all remember Michelle.
- I guess.
- Of course.
And I think it's so mature,
even though you guys are divorced,
you're still giving each
other's midnight kiss.
- Oh, no. It's not like that.
- No, we're just good friends.
Oh, in that case, Michelle,
if you're feeling lonely
at 11:59, come find me.
- Oh.
- What is wrong with you?
I'm just trying to put
myself out there, Baz.
- I'm so proud of you.
- [JEREMY] Ah, thanks, man.
They raise an interesting
question though.
- Mmm.
- Is there anybody out there these days
that you'd like to be
kissing at midnight?
I, um
Hey, Mae. What happened to
that new employee of yours?
[CHUCKLES] Follow me.
Adorable.
I will have to dock his wage.
- Of course. Yeah.
- Yeah.
[SIGHS, SCOFFS]
I mean, you both saw how she said,
"Immediate family only," right?
You did. It was it was rude.
She wasn't even in scrubs.
I think that's really unprofessional.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna I'm gonna
report her to the medical board.
I need to do that because
she was unprofessional,
she was mean, and she
was really fucking hot.
[SIGHS] Well, maybe we should ask them
if they've got any of
those drugs they gave Roy.
- I mean Oh.
- [PHONE RINGING]
[STAFF] Paging Dr. Brown.
Dr. Brown, please dial
[GASPS] Oh, it's Roy's sister. Sorry.
Tell her I said hi.
I will. Hi, Jenni.
Yeah, Tartt says hi. We're all here.
[DJ] Thanks for spending your New
Year's Eve with Soft Rock Hits.
- It's 40 minutes to midnight.
-
- Hope you're with the one you love.
-
This one goes out to my missus.
"She Believes in Me" by Kenny Rogers.
["SHE BELIEVES IN ME" PLAYING]
It's fun, innit?
Just like old times.
[SIGHS]
Oh, fucking hell, I'm so
I'm I'm so shit at small talk.
Jamie, no. Really, it's
not you. Um I just
I had the most amazing
thing come into my life
and because it wasn't
perfect, I've just
screwed it.
Sorry. It's just You know
That's exactly like my vodka label.
In what way?
Okay, so, the original label,
I looked amazing, right?
Abs were shredded, had the
perfect centimeter of ass cleavage,
but I wanted more.
Something I learned about myself
actually, Rebecca, I always want more.
Right, I-I remember that in
your contractual negotiations.
You wanted an atrium in your locker.
As if I have a fucking
scooby of what an atrium was.
Still don't. [SCOFFS]
Anyway, so I goes to him, I said,
"Oh, this don't stand up to
the Jamie Tartt standards.
You've got to redo it again."
So I go to all the graphite design
dweebs and I say, "You gotta do it.
You do it over the weekend."
I take away their Sunday
Funday, and for what?
Hmm.
An Adam with a squashed
face, disgusting.
Sometimes, perfect is the opposite
of good, you know what I mean?
- Did you just come up with that?
- No.
It's Voltron, French philosopher.
Oh, no. I think you mean Voltaire.
What, the cartoon robot? Wouldn't know.
Fucking nerd.
[CHUCKLES]
["LOVE LETTER" PLAYING]
Be my lover, love letter ♪
Oh ♪
Won't you help me
get out of my head ♪
Food is delicious.
Yeah, I'll give you
the name of my caterer.
They can get fried dodo legs.
- Uh Miss Southport.
- Yeah?
No, Miss Southport.
That's my old roommate
whose identity I stole.
What? I don't know.
Call me Zelda.
Yes, well, I just got
off a call from Rebecca,
and unfortunately, her and Keeley
won't be able to make it tonight.
Don't shoot the messenger.
[SIGHS] I quite hate that phrase.
I'll shoot whoever I want.
- [SCOFFS] Scoot.
- Oh.
[SIGHS]
Um, attention, everyone.
I have some very tragic news to report.
It seems that Rebecca Welton will
not be attending our amazing soirée.
- [GROANING]
- I know, I know. No, no, no. No, I know.
It's actually quite punk rock of her,
not to attend her own
team's party, you know.
- Mad respect. [KISSES]
- [LAUGHING]
Look at us. We're just a-a
gaggle of female footballers
and some outlandishly wealthy pricks.
[LAUGHING]
I'll be brief.
Our guests of honor,
the Lady Greyhounds.
I wanna make a toast to you lot,
to the AFC Football Women! Yeah!
[CHEERING]
- [GASP]
- [GUEST] Oh, my God.
Now, who's ready to take
this party to the next level?
[CROWD] Ooh
- [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [GRUNTS]
[CROWD CHEERS]
Uh What do you think, Coach?
- I think we get the fuck out of here.
- Yep.
- Go, go, go! Go, go, go, go!
- Nah, we're getting fucking out.
[FOOTBALLERS CLAMORING]
[LIZZIE] Nah, I'm too drunk for this.
- Amazing.
- What're you waiting for? Come on!
[LAUGHS] I called it!
Get in here! Go!
[CHUCKLES] Fucking freaks.
[DOOR OPENS]
Well, we do not have to
worry about whispering
because that kid's out colder
than your dad on Thanksgiving.
- His flag project is great.
- Yeah?
- Did he let you help him?
- Heck, no.
That's what he's been doing till
1:00 a.m. the last couple of nights.
I've been falling asleep on
the couch here. You want a beer?
- Yes, please.
- You got it.
- You still haven't answered my question.
- Hmm.
Is there someone out there you'd
like to be kissing at midnight?
Hmm. If you're gonna
make me talk about this,
I'm gonna have something
stronger than a beer. You down?
- Yeah.
- All right, let's cook.
Mm-mmm.
Geez Louise.
- [SIGHS]
- [TED GRUNTS]
Well, to answer your question.
No, there isn't anyone.
- Really?
- Mm-mmm.
What about Rebecca's friend, Snazzy?
- Oh, you mean Sassy. [CHUCKLES]
- Sure.
Yeah, well, I mean, her and I's
thing was really more just, uh
- Fucking.
- [GULPS]
I was gonna say friendly,
but you're the writer.
- Oh, God.
- And yeah. [CHUCKLES]
So, wait, you haven't gone on
a single date since we split up?
Yes, I have.
Yeah, no, uh You remember,
uh Henry's friend, Jackson?
His mom and I went
go-karting that one time.
That wasn't a date.
That was her son's birthday
party that no one went to
because the whole school got
lice except for you two somehow.
Yeah, that was a real head scratcher.
Okay, well, what can I say?
I'm sorry I didn't have a
shady therapist pursuing me,
making my return to
dating so easy. [CHUCKLES]
What are you talking about?
Mmm.
You and Dr. Jacob.
That guy manipulated
that whole situation
because he had the hots for you.
That's not what happened, Ted.
He didn't pursue me. If anything,
it was the other way around.
[SIGHS]
After our divorce, I hated myself.
For over a year, I sat at home every
night vacillating between feeling guilty
and feeling confused, always
putting on a brave face for Henry.
And then
one day, I'm grocery
shopping in my pajamas
and I see Jake haggling with the
cashier over an expired coupon.
I asked him out on the spot.
And he said no, because
I was a former client.
I insisted.
"Nothing romantic," I said,
and it wasn't, not for months.
I was just sad
and lonely, and I just thought, well
if I'm going to spend time with someone,
it might as well be somebody
that already knows all my shit
so I don't have to explain it all, and
they don't have to come figure it out.
I didn't know you were
going through all that.
How could you?
I feel a lot better now,
but I do worry about you.
I've learned divorce
makes us do crazy things,
but it doesn't make you a failure.
[CHUCKLES]
Mmm.
You remember my first head
coaching job down at Fort Scott?
God, and that tiny apartment?
[SCOFFS] You couldn't fit
a large pizza in that joint.
Every morning,
I'd wake up, I'd be like,
"Uh-oh, today's the day.
They're gonna sniff me out.
They're gonna send me packing."
Not you though. Nope.
You just kept on encouraging me.
Writing me little notes.
Making signs that I could
hang up in my office.
[CHUCKLING] Yeah.
You always could see things in me
that I couldn't see in myself at times.
Good and bad.
So, yeah, you're right.
I gotta keep telling my truth at work.
Whoever I'm coaching.
Or coaching with.
And yes, I should probably
ask someone out on a date.
Well, as Mark Twain would say,
"Continuous improvement is
better than delayed perfection."
Mmm.
Wait.
Are we talking about coaching or dating?
I'm just talking about Mark Twain.
You're damn right.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[CLAUDINE] You are wild.
I cannot believe that
you were at Burning
Man during the Great Whiteout of '07.
I actually, I vividly
remember reading about it
on MySpace at Brownies
on my parents' computer.
It's the exact same experience.
Yeah, exactly the same.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
I think it's almost midnight.
Yeah, it looks like it.
Oh, my feet are a bit
chilly. Do you mind?
- Oh, please, here.
- Cool.
Thank you.
I hate being cold.
You know what I hate?
- What?
- Waiting till midnight.
- Oh. Uh
- Oh.
- Oh, no.
- Oh!
That-That's a shame. I
[CLEARS THROAT]
You're great.
Actually, you're-you're really
fun and-and really interesting.
- I know.
- It's just, uh you're old.
- Factually accurate.
- Yeah.
Objectively true. [CHUCKLES]
Uh But that's my misread.
- Sorry. Sorry about that.
- Cool. We're good.
- Oh, thank you. Oh, hey!
- Bud.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- That's energy for the new year.
- I'm gonna get a drink.
- Do you want a drink?
- I'm good.
- Okay. [CHUCKLES]
- I'm good.
- See you See you on the playa.
- On the playa?
Oh. [LAUGHING] Happy
New Year, everybody!
[LIZZIE] Happy New Year!
Do you think they have
another one of these?
Happy New Year! Happy New Year!
Oh! Oh!
[FOOTBALLERS CHEERING]
Happy New Year, bitches!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [NIAMH] Bet you will there.
- [LIZZIE] Yeah.
- Hey. Lizzie, Lizzie, Lizzie, look.
- What? What?
Siobhan.
May I have that please?
We were hoping we'd
bump into you lot again.
You all got fucking robbed by Chelsea.
- Were you there?
- Fuck yeah, we were there.
- Yeah, we love pineapple now.
- He means you guys.
- Yeah, that's what I said.
- Well, let's be friends then!
[CHEERING]
Sorry, I forgot I don't drink.
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.
[MAE] Oi, ah!
You lot are still banned till the end
of the year, which is in 15 minutes.
So until then, why don't
you take it out on the green?
Here, entertain yourselves with this.
- Let's go!
- [CHEERING]
[JENNI] So sorry we're out of town, Roy.
Don't worry, Phoebs and I will be
there first thing in the morning, okay?
Thank you, Mr. President.
- [CHUCKLING]
- [CHUCKLING] What?
No, it's your sister, babe. It's Jenni.
Thank you, Mr. Jenni.
- They gave him the good stuff, huh?
- Yeah.
Well, don't worry. He's in good hands.
Yeah.
Happy New Year, Jenni.
You too.
Give a kiss to Phoebs, will you?
- Yeah, will do. Bye.
- Bye.
Thank you, Keeley.
Guess what?
- It's almost midnight.
- [GASPS]
Oh, no, am I in trouble?
No. [CHUCKLING] Not at all.
Oh, sorry. I was just letting
Roy talk to his sister.
That's all right.
[KEELEY] I'm heading out now.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Likewise.
- Happy New Year. Yeah.
- Happy New Year.
Right. Hello.
[ROY SIGHS]
I'm glad you stayed.
I wanted to tell you something.
[SIGHS]
Meeting you has actually been
one of the loveliest things
that's ever happened in my life.
So random.
There was no way of knowing that
was gonna be the start of something.
But I love how I feel
when I'm around you.
And I love you.
[CHUCKLING]
I love you, Keeley.
Yeah. All right. [CHUCKLES]
All right. Come on, then.
- Let's tuck you in.
- [GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
You rest up, Mr. Kent.
[SIGHS]
You know, I actually did meet
someone pretty interesting recently.
Oh, what's her name?
I don't know.
Where'd you meet her?
Backstage at a theater.
- Is she an actress?
- Mm-mmm.
No, she's a stage manager.
Well, you should ask her out.
Would that be okay?
Yes, Ted.
Better than okay.
- [PEOPLE CHATTERING, LAUGHING]
- Happy New Year!
[CLAMORING, CHEERING]
Why don't you go down there,
ring in the new year with them?
I'll stay here with Henry.
Go be with your team.
So, no midnight kiss then
for either of us, huh?
Hmm. How about an 11:57 hug?
- That old tradition. Come on, come here.
- [CHUCKLES]
Hey. Thank you for
always believing in me.
Go.
Hmm.
Okay. Okay, you reprobates.
Are you ready for the countdown?
- [CHEERING]
- Yeah!
[CHATTERING CONTINUES]
Mmm! You can still Hey, it's
fucking It's fucking Ted!
- What's he doing here?
- [CHEERING]
What the heck are you
all doing down here?
Yeah, we're barred still.
[TED] Oh, right!
Hey! Oi!
It's nearly time!
[PHONE CHIMES]
[DJ] Well, folks, it's about that time.
Thanks for spending your New
Year's Eve with Soft Rock Hits.
If you're not next to the one you love,
look around the room and, hey,
pucker those lips, you never know.
The countdown begins now.
Ten! Nine!
Eight!
Seven!
Six!
Five!
[DJ] Four. Three.
- Two. One.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
Here.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year!
[CHEERING]
[GUNSHOTS]
[SCREAMS]
Jesus! Quick, let's go! Let's go!
[SCREAMING]
Happy New Year!
[CHEERING]
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.
- [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
- ["AULD LANG SYNE" PLAYING]
Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪
And never brought to mind? ♪
Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪
And auld lang syne? ♪
For auld lang syne, my dear ♪
For auld lang syne ♪
[REBECCA] How are you here?
You didn't answer any of my texts.
Yeah, well, uh it wasn't
midnight in London yet.
But you turned off F-Find My Phone.
I didn't want to ruin the surprise.
[WHISPERS] That's Jamie Tartt.
[TED CHUCKLES]
Happy New Year, Coach.
You too.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Would you like a
- hug or something? Yeah, okay.
- Come on. Bring it in. Let's do it.
Good to see you. Yeah,
I'll see you at work.
Yes.
Hey, Coach. Coach. Happy New Year.
Um Listen. I know you
think that we don't like you.
But we really like you.
We really like you, okay?
Hey.
Did you tell the team what I said?
Have you just all been talking
about me behind my back?
No, no, no, I
No, I I was just trying to help.
Okay, all right. Well, I
don't need your help, okay?
["AULD LANG SYNE" CONTINUES PLAYING]
[SHOUTING] For auld
lang syne, my dear ♪
Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪
And never brought to mind ♪
Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪
And auld lang syne ♪
And auld lang syne ♪
And auld lang syne ♪
[FIREWORKS HISSING, CRACKING]