The Brady Bunch (1969) s04e06 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Greg, are you sure Mom's going
to take it that way?
How should I know?
I can't put myself in her place.
The problem is,
how do we break it to her?
Oh, what do you mean "we"?
I didn't have anything to do with it.
Thanks a lot.
You're a real friend.
I'll give you a piece of advice. What?
Put your sneakers on before you tell her.
My sneakers?
Yeah. When she hears
what you have to say,
you may have to run for your life.
( Sighing )
Well, Alice, you know,
this yellow shelf paper's
really going to look nice.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Alice.
Hi.
Mom, you know what?
What?
Well Go on.
Tell her.
Tell me what?
Well, two weeks from Friday night
is our high school's
annual Family Night Frolics.
Yeah, I know. I heard about it
at the PTA meeting.
And all the entertainment that night
is by the students and their parents.
Yeah. Cute idea, isn't it?
Well, it's for a great cause,
isn't it, Greg?
Yeah. Yeah. It's to raise money
for special school equipment.
I know. We're going to buy tickets.
Yeah. I'll take a stack down to Sam
to sell at the butcher shop.
Go on, tell her.
Well, it's going to be a fantastic evening,
and there's going to be a really super act.
One of the mothers and a daughter
are going to sing a duet.
Oh. Sounds great. Anyone I know?
Yeah! You and me.
No way. Absolutely not!
But, Mom, you've always loved to sing.
Yes, I do love to sing,
but not in front of a bunch of mothers.
Mom, you know most of them.
Yeah, that's the trouble.
I'd rather sing at the
zoo in the lions' cage.
Mom, please!
I promised the entertainment committee
that you'd do it with me.
Ah! You can keep half your promise.
You can sing.
But it's Family Night!
Dad, would you talk to her?
Honey, it's up to her.
If your mother wants to
chicken out, it's her chicken.
What do you mean, my chicken?
Well, honey, if the kids
are willing to do their part,
I think the least the parents
can do is theirs.
I'm willing to do my part.
I'll sweep the stage,
I'll usher, I'll take tickets
anything where I can keep
my mouth shut.
That's the trouble with all the parents.
Hardly any of them
will get up and perform.
We aren't going to have
enough for our show.
You sang in church at Christmas.
Yes, but people
didn't have to pay to get in.
Come to think of it,
we didn't get much money
in the collection basket that night, either.
Come on, honey, do it.
Oh, Mom, if Marcia's willing
to go out on a limb with her voice,
what have you got to lose?
You make me feel like a traitor.
Not at all, Benedict.
Okay, I'll do it.
Oh, thanks, Mom! That's great. Thanks.
Hey! Mom'll do it!
Oh, that's great!
Listen, we've got to sell lots of tickets.
Don't worry. We'll sell them.
I'll even buy some.
How much are they?
Two dollars.
I'd better stick to selling them.
How many tickets you got left?
Only 15.
How many did you start with?
Sixteen.
Boy, some salesman.
Can I help you boys?
Yes, ma'am. We're selling these tickets
for the Family Night Frolics
at Westdale High School.
It's for buying stuff for the school
so it'll even be better
when a little kid like me gets there.
No, I'm sorry.
Hi, Peter.
Hi, Muriel.
I didn't know this was your house.
Oh, you two know each other?
We're in the same homeroom,
aren't we, Peter? WOMAN: Oh
Well, I've got some work to do.
What are you doing here?
Trying to sell these tickets
for Westdale's Family Night Frolics.
But your mom's not interested.
Well, so long.
Peter, are you going to the movies
next Saturday afternoon?
Why?
Maybe we could go together.
You and me?
Yes. If you could go,
and if we could go together,
I'm sure my mom would buy
some tickets from you.
I-I'll think about it.
Can you see me taking her?
Boy, I'd say you blew a cinch sale.
So what?
Don't you believe in higher education?
Yeah but who wants
to get stuck with Muriel?
It's better than getting
stuck with all those tickets.
Uh, listen, Muriel
I'd love to.
I haven't asked you yet.
That's okay. Mom, Mom!
Good deal.
Believe me, it's no bargain.
I'm going to take some of these tickets
down to Sam, Mrs. Brady. Okay?
Sure, Alice.
( Alice humming happily )
You know something? Hmm?
I don't think these
songs are going to work.
What songs are those?
Well, since I'm going to be singing
for high school kids,
I thought I'd sing one
of their current hits.
But these lyrics
Some of their expressions
Honestly, I think they're trying
to start a new language.
I wouldn't worry about it, Mrs. Brady.
With the songs
the way they are nowadays,
you can't hear the words
well enough to understand
that what you would've heard
is something you wouldn't
have understood anyway.
And two and three. Okay?
Hmm. Honey, no problem.
I won't have any trouble at all
getting rid of these tickets for you.
I knew I could count on you, Sam.
Ha-ha!
Listen, if my customers won't buy one,
I'll put my thumb on the scale.
What time do you want
to pick me up, Sam?
The show starts at 8:00.
Oh, well, look, I said I'd take the tickets.
I didn't say I'd take you.
( Chuckling )
Well, uh let's not stand on ceremony.
You can ask me now if you'd rather.
Well, I can't.
What do you mean, you can't?
My team has bowling practice that night.
Bowling practice?!
Yeah, well, it's the last chance we get
to practice before we bowl
against the bakery boys,
and us meat cutters
are going to grind 'em up!
( laughing )
You got to be kidding.
What do you mean, kidding?
I just had my bowling jacket
cleaned and pressed.
You mean you're-you're
really not going to take me
to the Family Frolic Night?
I-I got my team to think about.
Well, if you want something
to think about,
you might try thinking
about kissing your bowling ball
good night.
Look, Alice, you're being unreasonable.
Unreasonable? When
you'd rather go out
with a bowling ball than with me?
Aw, come on, now, honey.
Where is that understanding little girl
that I know and love?
I'll tell you where she is.
She is walking
right out of this butcher shop,
and she is never going
to darken your doorstep again!
Women!
Men.
They're nothing
but mean, self-centered
insects.
Boy, you sure do sound mad at Sam.
Girls, when you grow up,
don't ever go out with
a butcher that bowls.
Look, Alice, Sam'll probably call up
any minute to patch things up.
It's too late.
Do you know what I would say
to him now if he called?
What?
I'd tell him that if he thinks
he can make it up with me,
he's got more holes in his head
than his bowling ball.
Don't you want to make up with him?
Well, sure, I do,
but I can't let him know that.
The trouble is, I just let Sam
take me too much for granted.
You should have kept him guessing.
Right. It's when they
think you don't need 'em
they come crawling to
you, and that's when you
whap 'em.
Honey, I'm home.
Where are you?
CAROL: We're in here, dear.
( Scatting )
Should we do that right there?
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Hey, Mike, we found a song for our duet.
It's from the musical Gypsy.
Hey, good, because I sold
ten tickets at the office today.
You didn't have any trouble selling them?
No. No trouble at all.
Not to my secretary, not to my assistant,
not to a whole lot of other people
who still want to work for me.
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Greg. Hi.
Got some news. Oh, good. What?
You know Mrs. Tuttle? Yeah.
Well, she said she needed
a lot more acts for the show,
so I told her I'd play a little guitar. Hey!
You mean you're going
to be in the show, too?
Yeah sort of.
What do you mean, sort of?
W-well, she said
that since you and Marcia
were doing a duet,
maybe I could do an act
with somebody, too.
I hope he hasn't done
anything I'm going to regret.
You mean you and Dad in the show?
I think that's super.
Wait a minute.
I can't be in the show.
( laughing )
You didn't say that
when I needed you, buster.
You said, "Oh, every parent
should do their part."
Right, Mom.
I don't sing. I mean, I can't dance.
I can't play a musical instrument.
I don't even juggle oranges.
I already told Mrs. Tuttle
you didn't have any talent.
Thank you.
Um what I mean is
Anyway, she said that you
could do a dramatic reading,
and I could accompany you on the guitar.
Now, that sounds wonderful to me.
Terrific.
Well maybe I could manage a reading.
Yeah, but I wouldn't know what
to select or choose or anything.
She said to recite this.
What does Mrs. Tuttle teach,
mind reading?
Hey, let's go tell everybody
that Dad's going to be in the show.
Yeah.
Oh, cheer up, honey.
Besides raising money for a good cause,
there's another advantage in all this.
What's that?
Well, once we learn our acts,
we can just keep doing
them over and over again.
Oh, yeah? How do you figure that?
Well, we've got four more kids
headed for Westdale High.
More readings for you, my dear.
Greg, have you read this poem
that Mrs. Tuttle sent
for me to recite
in the Family Frolic Night?
No.
Well, uh, I've tried it
a couple of different ways,
but I think we got a problem here.
What do you mean?
Well, let me try it for you,
and you guys see what you think.
Come on, Peter.
Okay.
Go ahead.
"The day is done, and the darkness.
"Falls from the wings of night.
"As a feather is wafted downward.
"From an eagle in his flight.
"I see the lights of the village.
"Gleam through the rain, the mist,
"And a feeling.
"Of sadness comes o'er me" No.
"A feeling of sadness comes o'er me.
"That my soul cannot resist.
A feeling of sadness"
( Exaggerated snoring )
Well, I see you get the point.
I'm afraid I'm going to put
everybody in the audience
to sleep with this thing.
It's dullsvile, all right.
Can't you do something else?
No.
Mrs. Tuttle made
a special point of saying
she'd like you to do that poem.
I guess she thinks it's beautiful.
Well, it is a beautiful poem,
but as a piece of entertainment, I
Say
maybe there is a way
we can do this after all.
How, Dad?
When I was in college,
I had to do a poem called
get this
"Oh, Bowser, Brave Bowser."
( laughing )
We thought it was pretty square, too,
so what we did was
( continues inaudibly )
Still worried about
Mr. Tuttle's poem, honey?
Worried about Mrs. Tuttle's poem?
( Chuckles playfully )
I thought you said it was
going to be a disaster.
Uh-uh. What are you doing to it?
Well, now, you just got to
wait and see. Oh, come on.
Hi there, folks.
I thought you might like
some nice, hot,
fresh-perked coffee, okay?
Oh, thanks, Alice. Good idea, Alice.
Oh, it's all right. Don't mention it.
My pleasure. No trouble at all.
Mrs. Brady,
you sure are lucky
that Mr. Brady isn't a butcher.
Oh, having trouble with Sam, huh?
Not anymore.
Who needs him after all?
I mean, there are a lot
of other fish in the sea
if you like going around with fish.
Sam's really got you upset, huh, Alice?
Me? Upset? Nah.
Just 'cause an ornery
old butcher would rather play
with his bowling ball than take me out
to the Family Night Frolic?
Alice, um Hmm? What?
( Whistles )
Oh, uh I'm sorry. I
I guess I forgot to put the coffee
in the percolator.
Thank you very much.
Come again.
Uh now, now, let's see.
That was, uh, one pound of
Sam's classy cold cuts, right?
Okay, fine.
Well, ladies, tell me, uh
how is everything going at home?
Oh, everything's just fine at home.
Oh, good, good, good.
And, uh Alice?
Oh, Alice is especially fine.
She's just great.
Oh, well, that's good, good.
I, uh, expect she's probably
been asking about me, right?
Nope.
Nope?!
Well, I guess she's been too busy.
What's she so busy about?
Well, we really shouldn't tell you.
Tell me what?
About the man.
What man?
Well, there's this guy
that Alice has been going with.
Going with?
Practically every night.
Well, who is he?
We don't know. We've never seen him.
They're probably meeting
at some secret rendezvous.
What secret rendezvous?
If we knew, it wouldn't be a secret.
Whenever Alice comes home,
she's always laughing
and giggling and humming.
Laughing and giggling
and humming, huh?
Well, that does it, hmm?
She doesn't even have
the common decency
to wait until our love grows cold
before she's out gallivanting
with some night-crawling rendezvouser.
Are you closing up?
You bet I am.
Nobody gets any more meat in here
until I settle Alice's hash.
( Door slams )
Alice
Sam!
All right, Alice, who is it?
Who's who?
I know. It's that guy
at the vegetable stand, right?
Vegetable stand. Malcolm?!
Yeah. It figures.
I see the way he looks at you
when you thump his honeydews.
Sam, I don't know what
you're talking about.
Ah! A-ha! Then it's Ralph
at the fish market.
Ralph?! Don't deny it, Alice.
You've got to be out of your head.
Don't argue with me, Alice.
My mind is made up.
You're coming with me
to the Family Night Frolics,
and that's final.
Isn't that the night you've
got bowling practice?
Don't tell me when to practice.
I'm picking you up at 7:30 sharp.
Any questions?
No, Sam. No questions.
Okay.
I don't know what you did, but thank you.
( Applause from auditorium )
( Playing off-key )
( Applause )
Wasn't that a delight?
And now we have
still another delight to, uh
delight you.
Mrs. Carol Brady and
her delightful daughter Marcia.
( Pastoral music intro )
( Up-tempo Broadway intro begins )
( Mouthing )
Wherever we go
Whatever we do
We're gonna go through it together ♪
We may not go far, but sure as a star ♪
Wherever we are, it's together ♪
Wherever I go, I know she goes ♪
Wherever I go, I know she goes ♪
No fits, no fights,
no feuds and no egos ♪
Amigos together
Through thick and through thin ♪
All out or all in
And whether it's win, place or show ♪
Oh, you for me and me for you ♪
We'll muddle through whatever we do ♪
Together, wherever we go
Through thick and through thin ♪
All out or all in
And whether it's win, place or show ♪
With you for me and me for you ♪
We'll muddle through whatever we do ♪
Together, together, together
Well, you for me and me for you ♪
We'll muddle through
Whatever we do
together, together, together ♪
Well, you for me and me for you ♪
We'll muddle through whatever we do ♪
Together wherever we go.
( Applause )
Wasn't that a delight, too?
But talent is not restricted
to the ladies in the Brady family.
No, indeed.
Here are Mr. Mike Brady
and his son Greg
in a delightful presentation of their own.
"The Day is Done"
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
"The day is done and darkness falls"
( Strums )
"From the wings of night."
"As a feather is wafted downward"
( Audience laughing )
"As a feather is wafted downward."
"From an eagle in his flight."
"I see the lights of the village gleam."
"Through the rain and mist"
( Rain-like strumming )
"And a feeling of sadness comes o'er me."
"That my soul can't resist."
"A feeling of sadness and longing."
"That is not akin to pain."
"And resembles sorrow only
as the mist resembles rain."
"Not from the grand old masters,
"Not from the bards sublime."
"Whose distant footsteps echo."
"Through the corridors of time."
( Greg imitating footsteps )
"Fro, like strains of martial music"
( John Philip Sousa march playing )
Carol? Honey?
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
I was just fixing you
something cold to drink.
Well any repercussions
on the Family Night Frolics?
I tell you, that telephone
hasn't stopped ringing all day.
Threatening phone calls, huh?
No. They were very complimentary.
Well, naturally.
You and Marcia were great.
There were just as many
calls for you and Greg.
I tell you, you guys were a smash hit.
I told you so. You know, uh,
it was really "a very big shew."
Excuse me, folks.
Dinner will be ready in about 20 minutes.
Turkey with all the trimmings.
We are celebrating Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving?
Alice, I think your calendar's
a little mixed up.
It's Thanksgiving to me,
'cause Sam's back, and I got him.
Well, since we're celebrating holidays,
Happy Easter.
Merry Christmas.