Clarkson's Farm (2021) s04e07 Episode Script

1
[banging]
[Jeremy] Now, alcohol licence.
This is to say we've applied
to West Oxfordshire District Council
to use the premises, here.
To update the floor plans.
- Bar on the first floor.
- Yes.
You need to show all points of serving.
- [Jeremy] By the 27th of August.
- [Charlie] Yes.
Which would imply that they will give us
the licence by the 27th of August.
Yes.
But you're gonna now say,
"What happens for the days
prior to the 27th of August?"
[Charlie] Because we're gonna open
before that, aren't we?
- No.
- [Charlie] The 27th,
- that's after the Bank Holiday weekend.
- [Jeremy mumbles]
No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- Is it?
[Charlie] Yes.
- No, the bank holiday's on the, erm
- 25th.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
I thought it was the following weekend.
No.
We've got a week less
to get this place ready than I thought.
I thought the bank holiday
was the 31st. It's the 25th.
[Charlie] Correct. Yeah.
[record scratching]
[bang]
["Mama Weer All Crazee Now"
by Slade playing]
I've just found out
the day we were planning on opening,
we're actually opening
a week before that.
[Jeremy] August Bank Holiday is normally
the last weekend in August,
but this it isn't.
It's a week earlier this year.
Fucking hell.
[Jeremy] I'm really sorry about that.
[Jeremy] Sorry, sorry.
[music continues playing]
[Jeremy] Everyone involved
in getting the pub open
had already been working at a fair lick.
But, thanks to my inability
to read a calendar,
they now had to really get
the hammer down.
[Jeremy] Fucking hell, white-van-tastic.
[Jeremy] Keir Starmer may not know
what the working class is,
but I do, and look at it!
[music continues playing]
[men shouting]
[music fading]
[soft folk music]
[Jeremy] Over at the farm,
Kaleb was on a deadline too,
because the crops were now ready
to be harvested.
But he was stuck in his office,
unable to get going
till Mother Nature said so.
So, hopefully next week,
if the weather
Let's have a look at the weather.
If the weather's good,
we can get into the spring barley.
There's so many weather apps on my phone,
it's unreal!
[laughing]
I just look at the one
that I want to look at now.
Like, I just set 'em all to Egypt,
it's really good weather.
Right, Monday's good.
Tuesday's then wet. Wednesday's wet.
Thursday's wet.
Shitting hell.
I'll give Charlie a quick buzz.
[dial tone]
- Charlie?
- [Charlie over the phone] Yeah?
[Kaleb] I was just making a plan.
So, next week's pretty much
a no-go for wheat, I would say
- Because have you seen the weather?
- [Charlie] Yeah.
It looks wet all week.
- [Charlie] We have Seven
- [breaking up]
Yeah, it will. It
On the spring barley,
- because that week's
- [breaking up]
- And therefore the next
- [breaking up]
[communication breaking up]
My phone's got like zero
My office I need a new office.
Literally, if I walk
anywhere on this farm,
I've got signal. I walk into my office,
I've literally got one bar.
[communication breaking up]
[beeping]
I actually have no idea
what just happened.
I'm just gonna do what I wanna do.
I don't know why I called him.
I'm the farm manager.
I get shit done, don't I?
[Jeremy] Meanwhile,
I was heading to the pub.
And it's fair to say
I was in for a bit of a shock.
[Jeremy] What? What the fuck?
Well, this is the only way in.
I just
[Jeremy] What are they doing?
Hi, mate. Do you know how long
this is gonna be closed for?
[road worker]
I wouldn't know off the top of my head.
I'm assuming it'll be till the 23rd
as it says over there but I'm not sure.
I've only been put on this today.
23rd of August
and we're opening that day?
[road worker] I wouldn't know.
I'm a trainee. I just do what I'm told.
Steady, steady.
[Jeremy] After getting to the pub,
there was another problem.
[Jeremy] Hmm
[Jeremy] The canopy I'd ordered
instead of the overpriced umbrellas.
Erm
[sighs] Christ.
[Jeremy] It's made this dining room
unbelievably dark.
[Jeremy] Bollocks.
That could be an expensive mistake.
[soft music playing]
[Jeremy] On the subject of money,
his cheerfulness then arrived
with one of his budget updates.
[Charlie] Erm,
Wi-Fi,
the dedicated line.
[Charlie] Monthly rental?
£1,000 a month.
- [Charlie] There's a giga
- £1,000 a month?
Yeah, on a 12-month contract.
[Jeremy] Jesus.
Parking wardens have come in.
- Yeah?
- Six people here,
£200 each a day, £1,200 a day.
It's about £40,000 a month.
- Yeah, that's ridiculous.
- [Charlie] It's not sensible, is it?
[Jeremy sighing]
You know my sort of pessimistic budget
on how much this was all gonna cost?
I think we might have breached that.
Hmm. Erm
Let's hope people come.
[Jeremy] This brought me
to my next point.
- Roadworks.
- [Charlie] Yeah.
- According to the sign outside
- [Charlie] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] They last until the 23rd.
- [Charlie] Yes.
We're opening on the 23rd,
so nobody will be able to come here.
Erm, I'm gonna speak
to the contact because,
I'm not quite sure why they've shut
the actual junction off the roundabout.
[Jeremy] Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
So you're going to talk
to the roadwork people?
- [Charlie] Yeah.
- This tent is my responsibility
and I'm gonna have to do something,
'cause there's no light
in that room anymore.
[Charlie] Well, the lights are on,
and you can't see any
Yeah, okay, there's electrical light.
But that room's always been
so bright and sparkly.
It also feels a bit
I can't imagine you like
this sort of thing.
I mean
I
I didn't think, "Wow, that's nice."
And I do often think,
"Wow, that's nice" to some things!
"I didn't think, 'Wow, that's nice.'"
["Just Dropped In" by Kenny Rogers
& The First Edition playing]
What condition my condition was in ♪
[Jeremy] Given the pressing need
to make up for my calendar cock-up,
all hands were needed on deck.
And since it was still
too wet to harvest,
Kaleb came over
to help me and Mark the brewer
demolish the old bar.
I want the pennies out of it. [laughing]
I just dropped in ♪
To see what condition
my condition was in ♪
Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah ♪
What condition my condition was in ♪
I pushed my soul ♪
Oh no, Lisa!
[Jeremy] No, Lisa, don't do that.
[Jeremy] As the old bar was taken apart,
the engine room of the pub, the kitchen,
was starting to come together.
I got up so tight, I couldn't unwind ♪
I saw so much, I broke my mind ♪
Nice. Nice one.
To see what condition
my condition was in ♪
[Jeremy] And in the surrounding
countryside
[bleating]
The farming cooperative we'd formed
were rounding up the animals
that would soon go through that kitchen.
[farmer] Hey-ya. Hey-ya.
[music fading]
[Jeremy] A couple of dry days later
- [Jeremy] This field?
- [Kaleb] Yeah, let's go this field.
[Jeremy] It looked
like we could finally start harvesting.
[Kaleb] Two, down low.
[Jeremy] And even though
I was very busy at the pub,
I wasn't gonna miss that.
[Jeremy] This needs to be below 15?
- [Kaleb] Yeah, so 14.5 is what we want.
- [Jeremy] Yeah, 14.5, that's right.
- Test?
- Yeah.
Here we go.
[Jeremy] Right, we want it
to be less than 14.5.
[beeping]
- [Kaleb] Hm!
- [Jeremy] 15.6, that's not bad, actually.
Right, well, why don't I go to the pub?
Yeah. I'll keep checking it
and let you know, yeah?
Yeah, as soon as it's dry.
- You promise you'll let me know?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] I'll see you later then.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] My phone will be on.
[soft folk music playing]
[Jeremy] As soon as I arrived at the pub,
Mark the brewer whisked me off to see
our brand-new, hi-tech beer pumps.
- [Jeremy] Do these excite you, Mark?
- [Mark] They do, actually.
[Mark laughing]
I can actually see!
Your beard is vibrating!
[Mark] It's just going
- [Jeremy] Eight different types of beer.
- [Mark] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] Four will go through that one.
- [Mark] Four through, and four that one.
[Jeremy] Why is it so good?
We don't need to clean I said
we need to clean our lines once a week.
Yeah.
This kit allows you
to not clean lines for four to six weeks.
So imagine all that beer you're saving.
- So we're saving?
- Saving beer.
So how long are the pipes here?
[Mark] I think it was 15 foot to the bar
and then 20 foot that goes up.
So it's not, like, too bad.
- But we've got narrower pipes.
- But we'd still be losing with eight
We'd still be losing every time
we clean them every week?
[Mark] We would.
[Jeremy] 40 pints a week we'd be losing.
And then with these
- We don't have Yeah, we literally
- We lose them once a month?
[Mark] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Mark may have been excited
by what looked
like airline-loo baby-changing flaps,
but not as excited as I was
when Nick the chef called me over
to show me the first draft
of our new all-British menu.
Sausage rolls and pickled
Pickled eggs!
[Nick] Pickled eggs, yeah.
[Jeremy] I like that.
Chicken liver pâté, that's good.
Pressed ham and piccalilli.
[Jeremy] Gammon steak.
Gammon, bubble
and squeak, parsley sauce. It's really
- [Nick] It's hard for those guys to
- I'm aroused at those words.
So excited!
[Sue laughing]
[tense music playing]
- [device beeping]
- 14.3.
[Kaleb] Bang on. So it's go time.
Let me ring Simon quickly.
[rock music playing]
Here we go.
- [Simon] We're off.
- [Kaleb] Harvest 184.
So, we need Jeremy with his grain cart.
Nah, leave him.
Leave him at the pub. I haven't told him.
He wanted me to tell him, to be fair.
He's not coming?
- No.
- [Simon chuckling]
[Kaleb] I don't know, yeah.
It's easier when he's not here.
[rock music resuming]
Here we go! First load.
[shutter clicking]
[rock music fading]
[Lisa moaning] Oh, my God.
It's going to be September soon.
Summer didn't start
until June this year, did it?
[Jeremy] Well, we've only had
about four days this year.
- I don't think it's been that bad.
- [Jeremy] What?
[Lisa] What?
Fucking Kaleb.
[Jeremy] Oh. Fucking hell.
[Simon over radio] That was doing
over 7.7 tons a hectare just there.
- [Kaleb over radio] That's good going.
- [Simon over radio] Yeah.
[tense music playing]
[Jeremy] I'll fucking kill him.
I'm gonna Every bone in his crotch.
It's the best day of the year,
harvesting.
Right, where the bloody hell is he?
There he is.
There he is.
[tense music stops]
Ugh
[Kaleb] Hi, mate. How are ya?
[Jeremy] Here's a tip
from an older, wiser man.
If you're gonna try
and do the harvest without me,
don't put pictures of yourself
doing the harvest on Instagram.
Oh fuck. I forgot about that!
[Kaleb] Why was you on Instagram anyway?
You should have been working over there.
[Kaleb laughing] What?!
[Jeremy] Behold my genius.
[whirring]
[Jeremy] An agricultural
Stannah stairlift. Anyway, listen.
I am cross with you.
I was gonna tell you.
I just wanted to get going
- and make sure it was okay.
- You've done a whole field without me.
Yeah, nearly done 20 acres, yeah.
[Jeremy] Without me.
- Yeah.
- [Jeremy] When were you gonna tell me?
[laughing] When I'd finished the barley!
Fucking wanker.
Honestly, I can't believe he'd do that.
[Jeremy] Kaleb's treachery aside,
I was now back in my happy place.
[epic music playing]
This tractor's better. It's taller,
so I can see
into the trailer more easily.
[Simon] Ah!
[Jeremy] Back at the yard, the barley
would be stored in our new stone barn.
Oh. The cattle crush is gonna make this
very tricky.
[Jeremy] Oh, dear.
[Jeremy] That is a narrow opening.
- [banging]
- [Jeremy] Shit.
What the fuck have I just hit?
This is a proper emergency.
I've hit something.
And my Stannah stairlift
has gone fucking
Oh! Jesus fucking Christ!
[Jeremy] Oh
[Jeremy knocking]
Fuck! Fuck, fuck.
First time we've ever used the barn and
he's left the fucking cattle shed out.
The cattle crush,
so I can't get anything in.
Lazy ginger.
Move the fucking cattle crush.
Why can't he ever do anything?
[rattling]
[engine roaring]
[Jeremy] Right.
Oh
Now we've got a problem.
I actually mean this.
- [Kaleb] What's that?
- [Jeremy] I am pissed off.
- [Kaleb] Why?
- I actually am pissed off.
- [Kaleb] What's happened?
- Well, because
the cattle crush should have been moved.
It should. Kaleb, they should.
But the cattle crush is there 'cause
we were TB testing two days ago.
I know, but when you're actually trying
to reverse a tractor this size
I've twatted into the wall.
I've had to move the cattle crush.
I'm 63.
I've had to move the cattle crush
on my own to get this in there.
[Kaleb] Well, I don't [sighing]
[Jeremy] No, seriously.
I think we should have been
loading the barley
into the cattle barn
because it's going in a day or two.
Yeah, that's why we were putting it
in that shed there.
That is fucking difficult
getting it in there.
I just turned in like this.
[Jeremy] I know, but look at the size
of your tractor. It's like an ant.
Yeah, I know. Well, you shouldn't have
bought a massive tractor.
You should have cleared away
the cattle crush this morning
in preparation
if we're gonna use that barn.
I'll go and unload.
He does not like being told what to do,
that boy.
Fucking millennials.
Did you hear the word "sorry"?
No, I didn't either.
He's a twat.
If anything else is in the way,
let me know, okay?
Oh, I better move that fucking twig.
Just in case.
[upbeat folk music playing]
[Jeremy] The rest of the afternoon
was a continuing saga
of man and machine
not in harmony.
- [banging]
- [Jeremy] Shit.
I've had it a day.
[Lisa] No, down one foot. Oh. Yep. Ooh!
- [cracking]
- [Jeremy] Ooh! Fucking hell! No! Ah!
- [Lisa] Okay, okay.
- [Jeremy] Ah! My fucking leg!
- [Lisa] Bring it up.
- [Jeremy] Shit. Fucking thing.
- [Lisa] I don't think that works.
- It doesn't work. It's fucking useless.
[Jeremy] My favourite time of the year
was now very far from that.
[soft music playing]
I was feeling bad
about losing it with Kaleb,
about my cattle-crush tantrum,
and the fact that everything
I would normally find funny
was now just winding me up.
[soft music continues playing]
Basically, doing the harvest
and the pub at the same time
was proving to be a bit much.
[sighing softly]
I'm just tired out.
[softly] What is it?
[whispering] A sandwich for you.
Don't, don't, don't, don't!
No, I mean it.
[Jeremy] It's bloody
nearly taken my leg off.
Who made this? Lisa?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Mmm.
[Jeremy] When was the last time
you did a moisture-o-test?
This last load. 13.2. Dry.
- It's getting drier.
- Hmm.
[soft rock music]
[Jeremy] This meant we could keep going
well into the evening
with the failing light ensuring
man and machine
remained well out of harmony.
Lisa came
and kindly gave me the ham sandwich.
Er Whoa. Help.
Er, there was a
Hang on, I have to go, there's a drone
that's just crashed into the combine.
[Simon over radio] A drone
has just crashed into the combine.
[Simon] Er
Er
[Jeremy chuckling] God
[sighs]
Did I forget to salute
a magpie this morning?
[Jeremy] Predictably,
it rained again overnight,
which meant that in the morning
it was too wet to harvest.
["China Grove"
by The Doobie Brothers playing]
So, the pair of us went back
to help at the pub.
[music continues playing]
They're going in there.
[Jeremy] It was a blur of busyness,
but we had ticked off
one of the most critical jobs.
If you connect it up to that metal,
we'll pick it up over here.
[beeping]
[Jeremy] Because we now had
a proper water supply.
Yeah, you got it! Wey-hey!
[Jeremy] Alan had made a deal
with a neighbouring farmer
to tap into his main supply.
If I carry on in the corner, I'll have
a look with you in a minute to find that.
Yeah, to find that pipe.
[Jeremy] And then his lads
had connected that
via about a mile of pipe, to the pub.
[Jeremy] This is the water tank.
We have water and the water
looks pretty clean and nice to me.
Brilliant.
[Jeremy] All of this meant
that Alan's men were busy.
Get that cleaned up then, Darryl.
So what I'm thinking, K
[Jeremy] So Kaleb and I decided to get on
with some smaller inside jobs.
I think it needs
to be quite close to the wall, like that.
- [Jeremy] Am I right?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
[Kaleb] Where's the chain, though?
We're gonna put it in the middle.
- [electric drill whirring]
- [Kaleb] Whoa.
[Kaleb groaning] Make a mark.
[Kaleb] Yeah, but the chain, look.
Look, the chain's not
- Yeah, it's gonna be in the middle.
- [cracking]
- [Jeremy] You've broken it.
- Yeah.
[Kaleb laughing]
It's broke.
I know it's broke. I just heard it.
- [Jeremy] Right, fire it up.
- [Kaleb] Ready? On.
[Jeremy sighing]
[Kaleb] The good thing is
it's only the arrow.
[Jeremy] There's no good thing.
[soft rock music playing]
[Jeremy] On balance,
it was probably for the best
that neither of us had been asked to help
build the enormous Grand Tour tent
Which, thanks to the sterling work
of the professionals,
was now erect
and ready to be filled with things.
[Jeremy] This has been
to the Arctic Circle, Californian desert,
Johannesburg, Rotterdam.
It's been all over the world, this tent.
And now it's here.
[Annie] Hello.
[Jeremy] It's big, isn't it?
It's bigger than I remember it.
It's huge.
- [Annie] There's just not much in it yet.
- [Jeremy] No.
- [music resumes playing]
- [worker] Easy!
[Jeremy] Work could now begin, though,
on the installation
of my off licence and butcher's shop,
which would be called "Hops & Chops".
And with that going in,
it was time to meet David.
- My personal favourite.
- And how long
[Jeremy] Who'd be supplying
meat for the pub as well.
[David] I'm thinking
counter in the middle,
so like a whole sirloin or a whole fillet
that can then be portioned and steaked,
with a bit of theatre as well.
Customers love that.
[Jeremy] Okay, erm,
product tray displays.
Is it like Is it AstroTurf
they put in a butcher's counter?
Yeah, you could put AstroTurf in.
I probably wouldn't.
I'm thinking something like fresh kale.
Fresh kale every day.
You put it in between the meat,
and it makes the meat pop.
- It brings the meat out.
- Yeah, that's a
A use for kale at last.
[Jeremy] We then moved on
to an important topic
that was becoming increasingly vexing.
- Now, British produce.
- Yeah.
When I got the "British" memo
come through, that was
So I had this rule,
which I said we're only going
to sell stuff that was grown
- or reared, no Coca Cola, no coffee.
- Okay.
[Jeremy] I've started to understand,
as time has gone on,
just how bloody difficult that is.
- Yeah, okay.
- [Jeremy] You can't have gin and tonic,
'cause tonic: quinine.
You can't have gin and bitter lemon,
because of the lemon.
No gin and orange.
The only thing you can have
is gin and water.
And apparently,
that's not a popular drink.
- Okay, so thinking meat related.
- [Jeremy] Yes, quite.
- Pepper.
- [Jeremy] Black pepper.
That goes in
a lot of meat-related products.
[Jeremy] Black pepper, I appreciate,
is a serious issue.
If someone was growing black pepper
in this country,
we will buy your black pepper,
not imported black pepper.
But at the moment no one is, so
- And preservatives.
- [Jeremy] Yeah, that's
Preservatives. That's gonna be one.
That's gonna be a hard one.
Meat looks rank
if you don't use it. Is that right?
It As meat gets processed,
it gets oxidised.
As soon as it gets oxidised,
then you've got three-day shelf life.
Which is fine for the burger van
because you're turning it over
so quickly.
But from a shop point of view,
that pack of burgers are gonna sit
So if you don't use preservatives,
it starts to look
- [David] It does.
- Brown.
It could get back to a customer's fridge,
two days later,
someone opens their fridge door and
think, "Christ.
- Can't eat that."
- "I bought a corpse."
[David] Yeah.
And the preservatives
are not made in the UK.
[David sighs]
[David] I think
that is gonna be a real hard one.
I mean, everybody wants to be
an Instagram influencer.
Nobody wants to invent
Stuff that we need.
[Jeremy] Preservatives for meat.
- Probably not high on their
- [Jeremy] I think
there's enough Instagram influencers now.
- Need more meat people.
- [Jeremy] We do.
[epic music playing]
[Jeremy] The conversation with David
had been a worry,
and there was no time
to think of a solution
because with the clock ticking,
I was being bombarded with questions
from everyone.
I need to speak to you and Charlie
about how food supply
is actually gonna work.
Because it's not just pigs, cows.
It's flour, it's sugar,
it's potatoes, it's veg.
And are you happy with the chairs?
Not these wooden hard ones.
- We're liking the ropey ones.
- [Jeremy] Erm
We gotta plant this hedge
round here or not?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- What, do you want it dug in properly?
You need a shipping container? Why
- [Jeremy] Honestly?
- [Mark] We need a place to put our stock.
But it's gonna look like Felixstowe docks
if we have another one, honestly.
How do you feel about defibrillators?
- Erm, there's a question about power.
- What?
[Annie] I need to talk to you
about gin as well.
- [Jeremy] Gin?
- Yeah.
How do you feel about an antler
chandelier in the carvery room?
Who am I dealing with to make
the interior of this kitchen food-safe?
[Jeremy] What?
Shall we just get two sizes
of picnic benches then?
- I'm not even sure two sizes now.
- More like a garden vibe on the grass.
[Sue] The only thing is,
the circular are 540.
Oh, and the good thing
about that garden furniture is it is
When you've got so many questions,
it's hard to focus on anything properly.
'Cause I'll just get a question:
"What shall I do about the floor?"
I'm halfway through the floor, Mark says,
"I need another shipping container."
[Jeremy] To try and drown out
the relentless questioning,
I decided to get involved
with the loudest job going.
[electric saw whirring]
[Jeremy] Removing
the dangerous and wonky trees
from the old dogging site.
Once the trees were down,
I moved in with the Robo mulcher.
[Jeremy] Here we go.
Good!
[Jeremy] My second-favourite machine
in the world.
And yes, you heard that right,
because I now had
a new favourite machine in the world.
[epic music playing]
- [Jeremy] Right, are you ready, Kaleb?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Welcome, everyone,
to the Tree Stumpinator.
[epic music continues playing]
[Jeremy laughing]
Check it out!
[Jeremy] You're gonna have to get one!
[Kaleb] The sound of it!
[crushing]
[Jeremy] Where's the next one?
[Kaleb] There's one here.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Two kittens, he said
This is the most satisfying thing
I've ever done.
[Jeremy laughing]
It won't actually pull it round then,
Kaleb,
when it's right down in a foot deep, hey?
[Jeremy] Once I'd minced all the stumps,
I moved on to another wood-based job,
only this one was much more delicate.
- [soft music playing]
- [electric drill whirring]
What's your idea for this?
The whole roof is this.
[Lisa] And then you're gonna put
fairy lights around it?
Yeah, and then you run
fairy lights through it.
- [Lisa] The lights aren't
- [Jeremy] Shit.
You've moved.
[Lisa] Were any women involved
in doing this practically?
[electric drill whirring]
[Jeremy] What the fuck?
- So now
- [Jeremy choking]
[Lisa] Is that sawdust?
[Jeremy] I've got
so much sawdust in my eyes.
What size clip would you like?
- [Jeremy] Right, here we go.
- [Alan] Keep it straight.
[Jeremy] I feel like Michelangelo.
[Gerald] That'll do, Jeremy, I think.
- [Gerald] Oh shit.
- [Jeremy] Oh, you wanker.
[laughing]
[soft music playing]
[Jeremy] With opening day
fast approaching,
the sand was now falling
through the hourglass
at an alarming rate.
But given the stop-start nature
of the weather,
Kaleb and I had to take
our harvesting opportunities
whenever they came along.
- [Jeremy] Have you got all the kit?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] And today was looking hopeful.
Let's have a listen.
- [machine grinding]
- Go on then. Do your guess.
[machine grinding]
- 15.4.
- Okay.
I'm gonna do it listening, okay?
[grinding]
I'm gonna say 15.7.
[beeping]
Ooh. Fucking hell. Let's go!
Let's not show
the ladies and gentlemen that.
No. What did you reckon? 14?
Yeah, I said 14.1.
- Yeah, I said 14, so.
- Yeah, we're both
- Basically. 14.1.
- [Kaleb] We're basically
[Kaleb] Nailed it.
I don't know why
we even bother coming out testing it.
Exactly, we just This morning,
I thought, "There is no dew."
[Jeremy] Right, tractors then.
[Jeremy] Back at the yard, I climbed once
more into the rural "Millennium Falcon".
Air con back on.
It's so quiet and subtle,
you'd barely know.
[air blowing]
Yeah.
[beeping]
[Jeremy] Now I've got a Service Alarm,
a red Service Alarm,
to go with the yellow Armrest Alarm.
And this funny blue thing,
which looks like it might be AdBlue
or air conditioning, I don't know.
- Armrest Alarm.
- [beeping]
Fucking hell.
[beeping]
Stop beeping!
[beeping continues]
This was a catastrophically bad buy,
this tractor.
I am going to get my silver tractor
out of retirement
because it's better than this one.
[Jeremy] The plan was to mop up
the remaining barley.
But our hopes for a good yield
were not high
because in this field,
the weeds had run amok.
[Jeremy] Look at it.
I mean, that
That's supposed to all be barley.
Look at the green weeds everywhere.
That's bloody awful.
[soft music playing]
[Jeremy] Charlie had already said that
because of this year's terrible weather,
we should be happy
if we got five tons per hectare.
But as the afternoon wore on,
it was clear we wouldn't even get that.
K, do you want me to tell you
the yield or not?
Not really, no.
0.9 of a ton.
1.9 a ton a hectare?
[Simon over radio] No, not 1.9, 0.9.
Jesus Christ.
- That is
- [beeping]
That's why my tractor's
beeping at me all the time.
It says,
"You are wasting your time doing this.
You haven't grown anything."
[soft music playing]
[Jeremy] With the weather holding,
we kept on harvesting
through the next day
and into the evening.
But the effort
of juggling the pub and the harvest
was now wiping me out.
I've had about
no more than four or five hours of sleep
for the last ten days.
I'm knackered.
Two days of harvesting.
And then back to the pub.
Close that.
Phone on silent.
[sighing] Nobody can get at me.
[soft music playing]
[Jeremy] However,
this was a brief respite.
Because the following morning,
the first phone call of the day
put me straight back
on the conveyor belt of stress.
- [dial tone]
- [chiming]
Hi, Annie?
[Annie] I'm just leaving the pub.
- Hello.
- How's it going?
Er, it's a bit stressful.
We are to the wire now.
The toilets
aren't gonna make it here in time.
Erm, and when they do get here,
they're gonna be on a crane.
Erm, and we won't get them in
if the place is full of cars.
And then there's a day's worth
of plumbing needed to fit them.
We've got no toilets for everyone.
There's only the two in the pub for
There's only the two in the pub
and we've got nothing for the tent.
And we've got nothing for,
you know, anyone else.
Okay, no, no, well, okay, look
I'll get on that. Yeah.
- [stutters] What are the other problems?
- [Annie] And then,
we've had no electricians.
There were power surges going on
in the tent yesterday.
They're still stuck over in the pub.
[tense music playing]
[banging]
The problem is the trades
just haven't finished.
They're nowhere near finished.
The wiring.
The sound system. The electrics.
We haven't hung a picture. We haven't
Carpentry, joinery.
Everything isn't finished.
We haven't cleaned the carpet.
I mean, we're just miles away.
[tense music continues playing]
[Jeremy] The priorities were clear.
One, get the new bar built.
Two, get the electricians
and fitters out of the kitchen
so Nick could start prepping food.
And three, get the joiners and decorators
out of everywhere
so Sue and Rachel
could turn this building site into a pub.
If you have all laid-up,
low-level tables,
it looks like just walking
into a dining room.
So we are having that here.
The twinkly light off the glasses,
looks great, looks nice and organised,
and this is where you'd come
with your mum for lunch or whatever.
If you walked into that bar, you want
to see it all buzzing, don't you?
- Yeah.
- You've got people standing at the bar.
The dog.
You've got people standing
in the central, a dog on the floor.
And then you've got
high and low seating in that room.
- [tense music playing]
- [banging and whirring]
[Jeremy] Over the next 24 hours,
work went on at a furious pace.
[Alan] Come forward a bit. Whoa.
Then we need to come round square, so
when the tractor's up it's dead square.
Well, we're cooking on.
[whirring]
[Jeremy] The electricians, however,
were seriously struggling
to get the kitchen operational.
Have you any idea when
you're gonna be finished in the kitchen?
- Today.
- [electrician] Today.
- 100%?
- Yes.
You really, really, really, really
I'm doing it, Nick,
I'm doing it.
[Jeremy] Come the end
of another knackering day,
I was secretly praying
that it'd be too wet
to do an evening harvest.
But it wasn't.
So I had to go to the yard
and fire up the Lambo.
- [yawning]
- I am tired.
[yawning] Excuse me.
Opening a pub
and doing a harvest simultaneously
Yeah.
[Jeremy over radio]
How are we looking, Simon?
Er, it's about 80% full, I think.
Now then, a nighttime load.
[beeping]
Right.
This could be an all-nighter.
[Jeremy] And it was.
[soft music playing]
Which meant that in the morning,
I was beyond frazzled.
I need you out of this kitchen now.
- Okay.
- [Jeremy] Now.
[Jeremy] How long do you need?
I was told you'd be finished last night.
[electrician] Er, another hour or two.
No. I was promised
you'd be finished last night.
- We can't get the kitchen open
- [electrician] Right.
[Jeremy] Until you get this finished.
I mean, look at the fucking wiring.
- [Jeremy] Sorry about this.
- We did agree yesterday that
I was told, 100%,
they would be finished last night.
He said, "We will be finished",
last night.
I've just been told it's an hour or two.
[tradesman] Who told you that?
Can we verify that "finished" for us to
cook in this kitchen is no ceiling tile?
Like the doors back on that.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- Like food-safe finished.
- We need to prepare food in here.
- Yeah, not like that.
- This isn't just like, "Yeah, okay."
- [tradesman] That's the electricians.
No, it's fine. From our end,
we don't give a fuck whose it is, so.
[Jeremy] Alan?
[Nick] We've already
lost one day of prep.
We've gotta be finished and out
of here by 10 o'clock this morning.
[Jeremy] Rachel and Sue
were in the same boat as Nick.
If we had the luxury of time we would do
a deep clean, unpack the furniture,
put it in place.
We're up against it, aren't we?
So we're gonna get the furniture out
to label up the table numbers
in order to programme the tills
so people can take an order.
- [Jeremy] Even though the floor's a mess?
- [Sue] Yeah.
Power, why have we got power surges?
In the tent,
apparently, there's power surges.
It will be at the moment 'cause
we're still finishing all the faults.
- [Alan] We've got 200 amps to share.
- [Jeremy] We've got 50 going down there.
[Alan] Yeah, that's it, we've got
And I don't know what a power surge is,
but it sounds like they've got 50
and then 10 and then 100.
That's 'cause it's faulty up this end
and we're just trying to suss that now.
[soft music playing]
[electrician] Can you press it?
[electric drill whirring]
[Jeremy] The electricians
were true to their word this time,
and by mid-morning
had vacated the kitchen
so it could be filled
with cooking people.
Nick? 11 o'clock.
Yeah, fantastic.
[tradesman] It's been a long time.
"She's breathing, captain.
She's breathing."
[Nick] I've got the onions. Let's go.
[Jeremy] And not before time,
because soon,
members of the farming cooperative
started to arrive with supplies.
- [Jeremy] Eggs?
- For you.
- [Jeremy] There was Mr Cacklebean.
- [farmer] Where would you like 'em, sir?
[Jeremy] In the kitchen.
- Hey, Emma. How are you?
- Morning.
[Jeremy] Emma from the dairy.
- So this is milk?
- So this is your milk, yeah.
[Emma] Better get it in the fridge.
[Jeremy] And Imogen
from the vegetable farm.
- Ta-da!
- I brought you some potatoes.
[Jeremy] Good news.
Ahem. I bring you potatoes.
[Nick] Wonderful. Well done, mate.
Nick? How often will we need
deliveries of this size?
[Nick] I think when this is rolling along
properly we'll get through
more than half a ton a week.
I think we're probably looking
at about seven fifty kilo a week.
This makes me so happy though,
to actually, after two years,
when I first spoke to Imogen
about can we get a cooperative going,
to actually have you delivering potatoes
to our restaurant.
- [Imogen] Yeah.
- Is
It just makes my heart sing.
But we're here to back British farming.
We're having to use British black pepper.
[Imogen] British black pepper?
That's How much is it? £100?
- £100 a kilo.
- As opposed to ten.
There'll be no black pepper
in the mashed potato then?
- Oh no, there will.
- Probably a bit.
- There'll be Cornish-grown, like
- Dink!
Dink!
[Nick] Here we go.
Wakey wakey.
[upbeat music playing]
[Jeremy] At lunchtime, the newly
recruited staff started to arrive.
Hi!
[Jeremy] And in order
to get them settled,
Sue and Rachel gave them
a Gen Z-focused HR pep talk.
The main thing I'm after is a massive
smile, a positive mental attitude,
a can-do attitude, and camaraderie.
We're all in it together and we're all
trying to make it successful, aren't we?
And we do want you to feel really secure
and able to do your jobs really well.
[Jeremy] I then decided to add
a few motivational words of my own.
One thing I cannot stand is gormlessness.
And I don't want
slovenly oiks leaning on things.
Erm, this is designed
to back British farming.
If anybody wants a Coca Cola,
they can fuck off.
Okay? It's all good, locally grown food.
I'm afraid that costs a bit more.
You're gonna get people going "'Ow much?"
[Jeremy] If you could just say,
"Listen, fuckwit, if you wanna go
and eat shit grown in Indonesia
full of sawdust,
plenty of other pubs around the place
that can help you out with that."
Erm
Good, good. Well, listen, have fun.
["Alright"
by Electric Light Orchestra playing]
[Jeremy] With the extra hands on board,
we all got back to work.
Over there.
The gold veranda in the dark
has gone ♪
[Jeremy] And soon, the canopy people
arrived to remove my folly.
[Jeremy] Yeah, sorry about this.
No better time to leave the ground ♪
And maybe try to understand ♪
[Alan] Let me see to this. Go steady.
Just check that end's in the right place.
- [man] All right? All right?
- [boy] Yeah.
[Alan] All right, boys,
that's it, that's it.
- [Rachel] Amazing.
- [Alan] Oh yeah.
[Jeremy] By late afternoon,
with the new budget umbrellas
making the decking
look like a proper terrace
[Jeremy] That's so much better.
[Jeremy] I suddenly realised
that the pub's signature showpiece
was nowhere to be seen.
[dial tone]
- [Richard over the phone] Hello.
- Hammond.
- [Richard] How are you?
- It's me. All right. How are you?
[Richard] Er, very well, thank you.
Very well indeed.
Er, it's amazing I've got a signal.
I'm in the Himalayas. So, erm
I'm sorry, you're where?
[Richard] Yes, I'm riding motorbikes.
So how No, I'm not interested
in your holiday.
- What about my tractor
- I'm also 11,000 feet.
- I don't
- Remember when you ate Viagra?
- [Richard speaking indistinctly]
- Where is my tractor?
Are we gonna get the tractor today?
[Jeremy] Luckily, Buttons' men
were not work-shy motorbicyclists.
And an hour later, they arrived.
[soft music playing]
[Jeremy] Look at that.
[Kaleb] Holy moly!
- Is it chromed?
- Yeah.
- [Kaleb laughing]
- It's chrome paint.
Wow!
I've never seen Richard Hammond
do a good job.
And I suspect he hasn't
'cause he's in Nepal.
So his guys have done it.
- But isn't that a fucking roof feature?
- It looks amazing.
It seems such a waste
to put it in the pub.
- But hanging from the ceiling?
- I know but
Looks awesome!
I mean, very few pubs have these.
- Well, from a ceiling.
- Look, he's even got his advert on it.
- Look at that.
- He is a tragic little man, isn't he?
[soft music playing]
- [Jeremy] Oh, look at it.
- Oh, there's loads of room, isn't it?
[Jeremy] Yeah.
[Jeremy] But there was still
plenty of work to do.
And we'd be going well into the night.
But over the last 48 hours,
this incredible team of people
had pulled off a miracle.
- [Jeremy sniffing] Mmm!
- Masher.
- [Jeremy] That's for the crumble?
- Yes.
[Jeremy] Apple crumble.
[Jeremy] Oh, look!
Wow!
[Lisa] Aw! Arya and Sans!
[Jeremy] Richard Ham!
[Lisa] Richard Ham!
With his little black eye!
[soft music continues playing]
- [Jeremy] Oh, wow.
- Look. Look.
[Jeremy] We've got
an actual butcher's shop.
- But check out this meat.
- Holy Mother of God.
[Lisa] Isn't that beautiful?
[Jeremy] We then went
to look at Lisa's new farm shop.
- [Jeremy] Ta-da!
- [Lisa] Rather nice, right?
- Candles.
- [Lisa] So in the morning,
this will all be bread and pastries.
And you can actually sell your scents,
without having West Oxfordshire District
Council shouting at you, and T-shirts.
- Is anyone upstairs?
- [Rachel shouting] Yeah!
Can you just turn my tree lights on?
That's got
And God said, "Let there be light,"
and there was light, and it is beautiful.
Tractor's up. Bar's
Optics are up! That's brilliant.
I mean, this is We're gonna have this
ready by tomorrow lunchtime?
- Oh, yeah.
- [Jeremy] Yeah, it's definite?
[Jeremy] I mean,
okay, the carpet's filthy,
that's a mess,
but it's looking like a pub in here
and it's looking
like a restaurant in there.
So I know this is
I'm probably tempting fate here,
but I am cautiously optimistic
that this will be ready
by midday tomorrow.
[banging]
[Jeremy shouting] Music off!
[groaning]
- [chatter]
- [Jeremy] Oh, my giddy aunt.
[chef] Oh, fucking heck, no.
Power cut. Fans are dead. No gas.
[Jeremy] Jesus.
[dramatic banging]
[soft music playing]