Franklin and Bash (2011) s04e07 Episode Script
Honor Thy Mother
Morning, Jared.
Colleen? Did you sleep well? Uh-huh.
Oh, you can freak out now if you'd like.
This is bad.
This is this is bad.
This is very bad.
This is the type of thing guys always joke about doing but they never actually do, but we - We did it.
- You needed this.
Was that obvious? And if one night of my surrogate skills is enough to allow you to focus on other women besides Ellen Swatello, then I'd say this is a victory.
Okay, well, trust me.
The last person I'm thinking about now is, uh, Swatello, so good job there.
Jared, this was just a one-time occurrence.
Absolutely.
Just a one-way ride.
Sorry.
I heard that the second I said it.
Oh, and, uh and Peter must never know anything about this, because he's understandably squeamish about my line of work.
You think? Yeah, like I'm gonna just tell him that I had sex with with his mother.
Look, you needed this to move on.
Peter will get up in a moment.
I better head out.
Right.
Colleen! Colleen! Colleen! Colleen! Oh, thanks.
You okay? Uh-huh.
Bye, Jared.
"Bye, Jared.
" Morning.
Aah! What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? You only copy me when you've done something weird.
What'd you do? What'd you uh I didn't do anything.
You're wrapped in a sheet.
I think I may, uh, crashed out here last night.
- Crazy night, huh? - Yeah.
Peter, I'm, uh All right, let's go grab some breakfast.
You can tell me all about what you are.
- Peter, I'm, uh - Come on.
Let's go.
Motherf Is the Duke of landingshire feeling the high cost of low living? Huh? Are you hungover? Oh, no.
I mean, no.
No more than you.
- Did you get laid last night? - No way.
I mean, uh I was with Swatello.
Thought you guys were done.
Yeah, we are, but, uh, you know, she's, a habit I can't quite kick.
No shame.
I see the appeal.
I need some electrolytes, I need a short stack, and I need them now.
We need a waitress.
It's not like this place is busy.
- Hey, Tara.
Kind of quiet today.
- Hey.
We took a hit last week.
Wasn't that always a "C"? Oh, we were an "A" before mom died, but it's been a rough couple of months, so I guess I let some things slip.
We're all out of waffle mix, Jared.
I'm sorry.
Oh, come on.
Really? No, I mean I mean, that's great, that's great, 'cause now I get to have delicious oatmeal.
- That's like nature's waffle.
- Mm-hmm.
Our kitchen is just as clean as Ben's Red-hots and they got a "B.
" Well, Ben's sucks.
It's like dog food in a sausage sock.
Yeah.
It'll be okay.
I can't do it alone.
My brother's up in Marin.
He's no help.
- Well, listen, we can appeal let's appeal this.
- Yeah.
Oh, that's sweet, you guys, but I can't afford a lawyer.
No, we'll take our fees in buffalo wings.
Seriously.
Totally serious.
I'd really appreciate that.
- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah.
I'll come right back and get your order a-as long as you don't want, um, eggs, bacon, or oatmeal.
- Is that you? - Yeah.
I don't believe it.
He's back.
I don't think this is a great idea, though.
It's a great idea.
Quiet.
Quiet.
He's here.
He's here? Guys, he's here.
He's here.
Let's get the lights.
Kill the music.
Get the lights.
Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! See? Great idea.
You okay? So, after traveling for 26 straight hours, you think people hiding in the dark and screaming at me in my own home was a good idea.
It was an idea.
There is evidence that another person has been using our bathroom lots of tiny soaps, pumice toothpaste, the towels smell like patchouli.
Peter, your mother was visiting? She loves patchouli.
- Uh, no, I - They're mine.
I like the size of hotel soaps.
They make my hands feel big, and you know what they say about big hands.
Dan, uh, come on over here.
Have you met Pindy? Pindy, Dan Mundy.
He's our new investigator.
He was staying in your room while you were away.
I've heard a lot about you.
Which probably means he bugs your phone.
That's not true at all.
They told me that you received an e-mail from a woman who was mugged in Belgium and needed money, and you went there to help her.
- You're a humanitarian.
- Wow.
In two sentences, you said more nice things to me than these guys did in 10 years.
Hey.
Dan, you can have my room.
I will not be living here anymore.
What's that now? I'm getting married.
- That's fantastic.
- What? You're kidding.
To who? - Brigette.
- Brigette Barnes? The girl from Belgium who sent you the e-mail asking for money? Yeah.
We met immediately fell in love.
It was like an ance-edy.
Ance-edy? You mean a rom-com.
He just said that.
Yeah, I thank you.
So, you've met her in the flesh.
No, but we have been texting.
Actually, we mostly sext.
Want to see a picture? Not if it's of your genitals.
Boom.
- Okay.
- Wow.
She looks like Carmen Electra.
Right? People say that to her on the street all the time.
I bet they do, 'cause that's a photo of Carmen Electra, Pindy.
I have facial-recognition software on my laptop if you want to forward me the pic.
- For what?! - It's Carmen Electra.
No.
There's no need.
She's real.
Okay, Pindy, how much money in total have you sent to your fiancée? Carmen Electra.
Oh, I see.
You still think she's scamming me.
You know what? We're looking to cut 100 names from the invite list if you'd rather not come to the wedding.
- Come on.
- Pindy Pindy Electra, come ba Stop.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
Pindy.
Dan, I need you to do that cyber-vetting thing you do.
Find out everything you can about Brigette Barnes, okay? I don't think my friend would like me doing that.
You just met Pindar.
We hit it off.
You spy on Peter and I all the time.
That's different.
You guys are family.
Come back with some proof that Brigette Barnes doesn't exist.
You got it? Seeing how my personal loyalty lies with Pindar and my professional loyalty lies with you, I must ask, is this a request or an order? It's an order.
Okay.
Then I'm on it.
Thank you.
Now, the same vendors who sell to our diner saw the food inspector eating at Ben's Red-hots on Spring Street.
Now, Ben's Red-hots got a "B" grade even though their kitchen had similar violations to our diner.
- Can you prove it? - Aha! We may not have enough money for private investigators, but we do have loyal customers.
Well, you're looking at two of them.
Hmm.
Seems like the inspector and owner of Ben's are buddies.
- There are other options.
- Tara, don't.
What? We were approached a few months ago by Eckhart Smits to buy the restaurant.
Smits.
- Eckhart loved my mom.
- We all loved her.
No one more than Jared.
Well, Jared was mom's favorite.
Sorry, Peter.
No.
So true.
My mom's, too.
- Okay, dude, enough mom talk.
- O-okay.
We know Eckhart Smits the burger baron.
D&D being owned by a chain? Blasphemy, I know.
You can't trust Eckhart Smits.
Relax.
We told Smits no.
My mother's diner has been there for 85 years.
It is not going down on my watch.
D&D is an institution.
Reagan ate there.
Tommy Lasorda.
Bugsy Siegel.
Loved "Bugsy.
" How hot was Annette Benning? Ah, hot enough to fry bacon.
A-a-are we off topic here? - Not at all.
- Watch how we bring it back.
We are gonna have the health department for lunch.
We're gonna say that you diner was unfairly singled out.
The inspector harassed your diner to benefit his friend's restaurant.
See how we brought that back? Boomerang.
This is a photo of your inspector, Henry Shea, eating a hot dog at Ben's Red-hots.
- Is that you, Hank? - That's me, Jack.
Do you play golf with the owner of Ben's, Ben Kagen? I do.
Every other Friday at Rancho.
- You looking for a game? - Always.
Do you eat at Ben's often? Uh, if you're accusing me of getting hungry and enjoying a hot dog guilty.
If one can enjoy a ground-up pig face shoved in a collagen condom.
Now he's a food critic.
Hank's friendship with Ben does not compromise the impartiality of his inspection.
- He's one of my go-to guys.
- Oh, thank you, Jack.
- That right? - Then can you explain why you deducted points from the D&D diner for their kitchen's floor/sink air gap when it was identical to the floor/sink air gap at Ben's? - Hmm, that shouldn't have happened.
- Damn skippy.
That cost D&D diner four points which knocked their rating down to a "C," scaring away potential customers.
Right into the clutches of Ben's Red-hots.
Clutches? Seriously? - No good? - Actually, it worked.
- Felt good.
- Yeah.
Are you suggesting that Hank would do this to funnel money to Ben's? Suggesting's a bit subtle.
We're actually accusing him.
Yeah.
- D&D has bigger problems.
- Come again? I did a follow-up investigation of the D&D yesterday, and although they've complied with some of their violations, I found evidence of vermin infestation.
- Vermin infestation? - Cockroaches.
- Cockroaches? - Well-fed cockroaches.
I've got my photos on my laptop.
The cockr they're a local delicacy, guys.
Right, that's an off-the-menu item.
I got to look at those photos, and then I'm gonna close the D&D diner until further notice.
- Close it? - Let me know about golf.
Did we just make things, like, a whole lot worse? - Yeah, I think so.
- Yeah.
Closed for how long? Guys, we need the cash flow.
I can't update the kitchen on my paycheck alone.
We've never had cockroaches before.
Our forensic entomologist is here to run a species check.
I will break him.
Oh, now this is vermin infestation.
I was driving by and saw the closed sign.
Is everything okay? Wow.
What a coincidence.
We just get shut down by the health department and you see the sign.
You know, they should give the mom-and-pop joints a fair shake.
You should come with evil theme music.
- I was just thinking that.
- Really? - Like bum, bum, bu-u-u-m.
- Yeah, but like more strings.
- Like reh, reh, reh.
- Yeah.
- Eckhart Smits, these are our lawyers.
- Oh, we've met.
Been a long time.
Franklin and Bash.
These guys filed a suit against me in '0 - '04.
- 4.
Yeah.
Uh, well, for putting dipping sauce with our hot wings.
Well, only for the people at the drive-through.
See, Mr.
Smits here suggested it was safe to dip and drive.
But studies revealed it was more dangerous than driving while texting.
Actually, there were no studies to support that, which is why you lost.
Eh.
We were young, just mere chicken tenders.
But now we're the big cocks of the walk.
Seth, Tara, I loved Donna.
I would never screw your mom.
A friend wouldn't do that to a friend.
You don't know how much friends do.
- What? - Nothing.
Nothing.
My offer still stands.
You know where I am.
Good seeing you two again.
- This has been great.
- You sure you can't stay for lunch, see what a hamburger made of meat tastes like? - Everything all right? - Yep.
I mean, no.
You know, we got a diner to save.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How's the cast of "The Big Bang Theory"? That's racist.
How's that racist? How isn't it? The cockroach I found is native to Thailand.
Oh, maybe they're here on vacation, staying in a nice Roach motel.
What?! Is this guy for real? - Oh, my God.
- Yeah, we may have to kill one of them.
Guys, someone planted those roaches in the diner.
Eckhart Smits? All right, well, let's file an injunction at least keep them open until we can figure out who planted the bugs.
- Oh, uh, Colleen called.
- Okay.
I'll call her back.
Colleen.
Peter's mom.
Right.
I thought you met my Colleen totally separate lady who's, uh, my yoga and, uh, hydroponic i-instructor.
Been thinking about getting into that.
I was gonna talk to you about what are you guys doing? Well, uh, it is time for some afternoon delight.
Everyday at 5:00 P.
M.
, Brigette and I enjoy webcam sex.
Let me guess, she likes to stay in the shadows and watch you, but u can't really see her.
You told them.
No.
Not yet.
She likes to stay in the shadows and watch I'm gonna go inside.
I need my oils, right? Okay, what did you find out about Pindar's fiancée? - Haven't started yet.
- What?! Why are you so protective of Pindar? You barely know him.
I want to know why you guys like Pindar so much.
Maybe if I learn some of his personality strengths, you'll like me more.
I don't know where to begin.
You go.
All right, first of all, Pindar's character and his personality are not his strengths.
Which is why we love him.
So then it's a physical attraction? - It's really not.
- Okay.
So then you love Pindar for his transparency, which allows you to see into his soul.
- Sure.
Let's say that.
- Okay.
Then I'll execute a real vetting that'll violate international and constitutional law.
- Now we're cooking with gas.
- Great.
Thank you.
- He still scares me.
- I'm terrified.
We'd like to present to the court exhibit "A.
" The edible cockroaches found in the D&D diner are native to Thailand, which leads us to believe that they were planted there by another party.
Has there been any evidence of nesting? As documented there, the D&D owners hired a private pest-control expert who found no evidence of infestation.
Franklin and Bash, wrangle your vermin.
Dude, what's going on? Are you okay? I think my blood sugar's just way, way, way low.
Whoa! Excuse me, that's exhibit "A.
" Th-th-th-there's one over there.
- There's one.
- Get it! Get it! Get it! What are you doing here? I had jury duty.
We're at lunch.
I can't go to lunch.
Well, I wasn't asking you.
I'm here to see my son.
Your Honor, we'd ask the court to direct the health department to allow the D&D diner to keep its letter grade at a "b.
" Is this about the other night? W-what other night? Mr.
Bash, will you tell your partner if he doesn't stop talking, I will hold him after class.
Mom, dude, you're killing me.
- Well, he started it.
- Thing bit me.
Order! Until an independent investigator determines whether the roaches were put in the kitchen by a third party, the diner is to remain closed until further notice.
Well, Your Honor, the health department is backlogged with cases.
That could take weeks.
I've made my ruling, Mr.
Bash.
We are adjourned.
What the hell is wrong with you lately? Nothing.
I-I just think my blood sugar was low, but I-I'm feeling better now.
I just need you know what? I should get a cookie.
I'm gonna get a cookie, and then I'll You got a sec? Mm.
Yeah.
Come in.
Yeah.
Oh, oh, and don't forget that Damien starts this week.
Just hope things will be different this time 'round.
Absolutely.
Uh, we miss him.
You all right? Uh Jared, anything that you tell me will always be in the strictest of confidence.
Uh I did something.
Go on.
I did something, and I regret it.
But I can't undo it 'cause it already got done.
- I - Slept with Peter's mother.
No, no, no, no.
I mean, how could you know that? Because you're a product of your father's corrupt DNA.
A-and I know that you would never murder anyone, and you certainly wouldn't have sex with Peter's girlfriend, so that left only his mother and a couple of barely legal sex acts, but I don't think you've got the stones or the lower body strength to execute them.
I'm a bad friend.
Oh, please.
Come on.
Why, only five years ago, I had a torrid dalliance with my late partner Henry Daniels' mother.
Wouldn't that make her like 111? Huh? Yeah.
Anyway, you're gonna have to tell him what happened.
Really? And you think he'd be cool with it? Absolutely not.
In fact, it may end the friendship and send you into a shame spiral of which you might never recover.
But the truth will be revealed.
Or and I'm just saying this 'cause your version's all kinds of bananas I don't say anything to Peter, and we all just keep living our lives.
Yeah, well, that would be all fine and dandy if you hadn't told me, but I can't be burdened with this lie.
I mean, I'm gonna have to tell Peter myself.
What the fu yeah.
Listen.
I can't be party to your friend's betrayal.
Wait.
B-but you just said that Yes.
Jared, look.
I am an enigma wrapped in a cypher and I warn you, don't try and peel this onion.
You'll only find a plum.
Fine.
I will tell Peter that I had sex with his mother.
Thank you for being my confidante.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, you're welcome.
- I traced the cockroaches.
- Whoa! Geez! - Were your parents ninjas? - They never said.
The cockroaches are edible and came from a vendor that does business with the diner.
Oh, let me guess Eckhart Smits, the greedy burger baron who'd do anything to steal that location? You nailed it.
- Peter? - Yeah.
- You didn't nail it.
- What? You just said that with such confidence, I wanted you to be right, but you're not.
Well, Dan, who the hell was it? The invoice for the roaches was sent to the D&D diner.
What? Oh, and some good news Pindar's girlfriend arrives tomorrow.
- You're kidding.
- Mm.
So you'll all see that Pindar's telling the truth.
I need to find Jared.
Probably sniffing around Swatello's office.
Oh, wait, no.
She's still in Cincinnati for her dad's birthday.
- How long's Swatello been gone? - A week.
But Jared said that he and Ellen were together the other night.
Patchouli! You okay? Dude? All right, everyone, uh, time for an emergency fire drill.
Um stop what you're doing right now.
Evacuate the building.
Just leave your belongings.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not the elevators.
Use the stairs.
No, no.
We stay.
Come on, everybody! Move it! Peter, I done a bad, bad thing.
I know what happened.
- Trust me, you don't know this one.
- I know about you and my mom.
Okay, do I have a sign that says "I banged Peter's mom" on my forehead? Let me rephrase that before you punch a hole through my face.
I swear, I-I never tried to sleep with her.
It just kind of happened.
You know? My mind's not right since Swatello.
I-I blame her.
I blame the hooch.
You know, I even blame the tides.
'Cause they said the moon a-and the tides, they could mess with your cycles.
I will never make another mom joke again.
Come on.
Say something.
Slap me.
Punch me.
Slap me.
Just treat her right.
No.
It's never gonna happen again.
So my mom was just a one-night stand? No, no.
No.
Good.
Good.
Jared, I see the way she is around you, the way she lights up when you walk into a room.
Huh? I've always wanted her to meet someone, and preferably someone I liked.
And I like you.
So this is good.
No.
No.
This is great.
Are you messing with my head? Are you messing with my mom's head? - No.
- Good.
- 'Cause you better not be.
- I'm not.
Okay.
Okay.
Good.
Come on.
Come on.
Just punch me.
Come on.
Do it.
Were you, uh Listening? Only to the part where you had sex with Peter's mom.
I I cannot imagine a better welcome-back gift.
Thank you.
I know.
It's cool, right? Yeah.
And I-I knew people were jumping ship, but what? Couldn't even hold on to an intern? They heard you were coming back.
And I heard you bang your friends' moms.
Yeah.
Every time you open your mouth.
Come on.
We got work to do.
So, this invoice for the edible cockroaches was sent to the D&D diner, but it hasn't been paid yet.
Dude, if you're taking me to some empty warehouse to put a bullet in my head, I won't run.
Head in the game, man.
I'm fine with you dating my mom.
- Dating? - Listen to me.
At first I thought it was that burger baron Smits who was trying to tank the diner.
Now I'm not so sure.
What are you saying? I think it was an inside job.
We paid for the cockroaches? Is that what you're saying? If it was someone else, why did they send the invoice to your diner? Well, where'd you get this? Uh, I'm out of pocket 30 grand upgrading the refrigeration system and paying for exterminators, and you're saying that I'd sabotage my own diner? We don't think it was you.
Get out.
Both of you, get out of our diner right now.
No.
I paid for the cockroaches.
Tara.
It was me, Seth.
I was trying to kill the family business.
When you went off to college and after dad died, I stayed behind, helping mom, and You said we had to keep the diner open.
And I went into my own pocket.
Exactly.
You threw money at it and not your heart.
You could've said something, Tara.
I tried.
But every time I brought up selling this place, you said I was being disloyal.
Look, I love our diner and I love our customers, but I couldn't do it alone.
So you wanted your brother to spend enough of his own money that he'd raise the white flag and not you.
I'm sorry.
You know, if you wanted me to come, I would have, and we wouldn't have had to sell the place.
- Wait.
Sell what? - Sell the diner? After we lost in court, we reached out to Eckhart Smits.
Smits is the new owner? Why why didn't you tell us? We felt like it was a family decision.
But, guys, Eckhart promised to keep the diner open under the same name.
You'll still have your power table.
- Did you sign anything? - This morning.
Can I take a look at the papers? It's amazing.
I just wish you'd cooked like this for me when I was a kid.
Well, this does look delicious, doesn't it? Hello everyone.
- Hi.
- Ah, hello, Jared.
How was your day? Same old, same old.
- Hey, Peter.
- Hey, buddy.
So, I got your text about the trap door in the sales doc.
Yeah.
If after three months, the D&D diner hasn't met a 40% profit margin, then Smits can, uh repurpose the property.
Oh, they're never gonna hit that number.
Smits just wants the land that the diner's sitting on.
Told you he's a straight-up villain.
What's the penalty if they pull out of the sale? $50,000.
We got our work cut out for us.
I hear that Pindar's fiancée's coming here.
- Can't wait to meet her.
- There's no way.
You boys should throw the shower.
I'll help you.
That sounds like a great idea, mom.
So, I tipped off immigration to Brigette Barnes.
If she even exists.
Uh, what's with the, um, non-paper plates and inviting your mom to dinner? Nothing.
Just thought we could have a nice, semi-romantic dinner together.
Why? Pindy, Dan, supper.
You ready? Oh, I'm ready.
Colleen.
Mind your knees.
Precious cargo.
Looks good, guys.
We thank you for this meal and pray for the safe arrival of Pindar's fiancée, Brigette, and that God may bless this union.
Amen? You know, I was thinking that, uh, after dinner, maybe we could all grab a movie on Netflix, make a night of it.
What do you say, Jared? I think that sounds wonderful, Peter.
Oh, no more for me.
I've got a long drive home tonight.
Drive? Nonsense.
You can stay here.
- Absolutely.
- Great.
- Wonderful.
- Fantastic.
Okay, I get it.
You know I slept with Jared.
Amen.
What the hell? That is awesome.
Maybe when Brigette gets into town, you get your lady, we go on a double date couple 6's, couple 10's.
You know what I mean? - I see a new "it" couple.
- Jarelleen.
No.
Jolleen.
No.
Colleered.
I like it.
What do you think, Jared? - How about stepdad? - Love it.
- Great.
- Either way, nice pull.
Stop it, all of you.
That's enough.
I'm not some kind of foot bag in a little game of hacky sack.
Peter, even though I tried to help Jared get over his girlfriend, I should've referred him to another therapist.
Lesson learned.
Never drink on the job.
- And, Jared.
- Yes dear? I will not be party to anything that will hurt my son.
I'm not trying to hurt him.
I'm trying to get him to hurt me.
This is too close to home.
Well, I would say it's more than a little too close to home since it happened in the home in one of these bedrooms.
Or maybe all of these bedrooms.
I don't know the geography of the encounter.
I've lost my appetite.
Thank you for having me.
I think Peter's mom is dumping you.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Colleen - No.
Mom.
Even though I never meant to hurt anyone, that doesn't make this right.
I'm sorry, Peter.
Don't be sorry.
We're all adults here.
Really? Since when? Let's eat.
Wow.
Pbht! I am starved.
Morning.
Good morning, Peter.
Oh, this seems important.
You sure you don't want me to grab Jared? No, no, no, no, no.
It's fine.
No, I just wanted to have a word with you alone.
- Now, close the door.
- Okay.
Please sit down.
You know, first off, I must just tell you, uh, sorry to learn about the D&D's fate.
That old dining car, it reminded me of the ones I used to ride in when I was a boy.
You know, my mother sewed secret documents from the S.
I.
S.
into my knickers, and we delivered them to the French Resistance the turning point in the war.
Well, I don't have to tell you that.
Oh, but you did.
Anyway, it's a shame that such a timeless architectural piece is destined for the scrapyard.
Yeah, but at least we'll be eating healthier.
Actually, I'm a little bit more worried about your mental health.
S-say again? Yeah, you know, Jared, he came to me, seeking my advice after well, after touring your mother's nether bits.
- Mm-hmm.
- He seemed quite remorseful.
No, no.
He's good.
We're good.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
All good.
You're punishing Jared by withholding your emotions.
In doing so, you're diminishing him as someone who's important to you.
I mean, you know, it's not healthy to repress the burning coals of betrayal.
Wow.
This is the first time I've been criticized for being too mature.
Have you ever thought about throttling him? Uh Yeah.
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you, Stanton.
I mean, you've you've really helped.
Well, you know, the friendship that you two have, it's to be treasured.
No.
Thank you for saving the diner.
Peter, you're deflecting.
Jared and I have to talk.
We have work to do.
But thanks again.
Deflecting! The airline lost one of Brigette's bags and she missed her flight to L.
A.
And then she found out her brother got sick, so she may have to go back home.
Okay, Pindy, stop.
There is no Brigette.
It's someone with a fake identity trying to scam you.
Pindy.
Are y are you thinking, or is this thing frozen? Oh, no, I'm here, Jared, and I look forward to your apology.
Oh, and, Meg, I'm so sorry, but next Friday's "bring your mom to work" day has been cancelled.
Bummer.
Why? Well, we've got an in-house predator issue.
Well, it's not stopping your mom from coming.
My mom died three months ago.
You mom's still alive, isn't she? - Mm-hmm.
Totally alive.
- Well played.
Hey, I need to talk to you.
Me, too.
Look, our friendship is too important to me.
Oh, later.
I know how to save the diner.
The diner? It's a classic hickey-dow dining car built in the 1930s for the Colton Railway Company and retired in Los Angeles in the 1950s.
It is of great cultural and historical significance and thus must be given the protection of a historical landmark.
A dining car once attached to a train doesn't fall under the parameters of building architecture.
Excuse me.
You are? Really? Eckhart B.
Smits.
I'm a restaurant retailer who now owns the D&D diner.
Who just bought the diner by misleading the sellers.
How did he know we were here? I told him we were taking this to the landmark commission.
Wrong thing to say? Makes it a little harder.
Sit down, please, Mr.
Smits.
Sir, your commission preserves any structure that has particular historic or cultural significance to the city.
Howard Hughes ate in that structure rock stars.
Lady gaga loves Tara's tuna melt.
But the real history here comes from the regulars the customers who come in day in and day out for the food and company.
In fact, my mother used to take Jared and me there as kids.
She would she would order me a double cheeseburger, and then she would turn to Jared and she would ask him what he wanted.
Jared had And Jared had The milkshake.
Jared had my mom.
No, actually, Jared had sex with my mother.
Hello.
Not then.
No.
He waited 30 years, and the when I least expected it boom! - Peter.
- My best friend banged my mother.
I mean, who does that? Who has sex with their best friend's mother? And worse? Everyone but me seems to be okay with it.
No one else seems to care.
And I'm the weird one? Does anyone care how I feel? I care, okay? And I'm crazy sorry.
Okay, I wish I could go back and not have sex with your mom.
She's a great lady, and I really respect her, but it was just it was all kinds of wrong.
And the fact that I took our friendship and just crashed it into a pole kills me.
It makes me want to do a swan dive into a wood chipper.
I am so damn sorry.
Oh, c-come on.
They're trying to make you feel sorry for them.
These lawyers are known performance artists.
He's right.
Mr.
Smits is correct.
It's an allegorical tale.
Right? Oh, don't look at me.
You're the one who banged my mother.
See, Seth and Tara had an implied contract.
Right.
Where they trusted Mr.
Smits to respect their wishes of their mother to keep the diner open.
Just like I should've respected the implied contract I had with Peter to not have sex with his mother.
But Mr.
Smits went back on that, essentially boning the memory of their mother.
I boned no such mother, real or allegorical.
Only the mother of my children, and that's been a while, so forget it.
The landmark commission doesn't arbitrate contract disputes.
We decide on historical landmarks.
Not that you two don't have a lot of history.
This doesn't sound good.
What this committee does care about is cultural significance, of which D&D has plenty.
Sounds better.
Pending an inspection of the diner to see that it is indeed an authentic hickey-dow dining car, this commission votes in favor of making D&D diner a historical landmark, which means it cannot be torn down.
- Boom! - Yes.
- Oh, wow.
- Thank you.
You did it.
Thank you.
You're so welcome.
Want one to go? - You know you do.
- No.
Sure? All right.
Aw, come again.
Don't think that duet worked with us.
I just wanted my fried chicken back.
Really? The guy's mother? Hey, you would have, too, if you would've seen what she Never mind.
I meant it.
Your mom still lives in Sherman Oaks, right? Yeah.
Yes, thank you.
You know, she was only 20 when she had me.
I just don't want your mom to feel awkward.
I don't want her to stop coming by.
I don't think my mom has an awkward bone in her body.
- I didn't say anything.
- You were thinking it.
It was right there.
Anyway, I invited her, but she was busy.
- Doing what? - She had a date.
With who? Some brentwood real-estate developer.
- Owns like 20% of the Kings.
- Sounds like a rebound.
I don't believe it.
No way.
Sorry we're late.
Brigette lost her bag.
Uh, Peter, Jared, this is Brigette.
I have heard such things about you.
Oh.
W-w-what kind of things? Uh, such things.
- Such things.
- Such things.
Uh, chowder room.
- Chowder.
- I love chowder.
Oh, isn't she precious? It's powder room.
Powder.
Oh.
Oh.
Right over there.
Right around the corner.
Yeah.
Miss you already.
Hurry back.
- I miss you, baby.
- Yeah.
You can call it chowder room if you want.
Never thought I'd meet anybody with a more adorable accent than mine.
What do you guys think? Uh, don't even know where to start.
I can't believe we doubted you.
She's so hot.
- She's not unbeautif - What's this? Excuse me, Pindy.
Uh Uh, Dan, what's going on? These two are from the I.
N.
S.
- What do they want? - We're looking for Brigette Barnes.
We were tipped off to search her bags at LAX.
We found offer papers on a house in Westchester.
She's planning a long stay on a tourist visa.
Which is against the law.
Who tipped them off? Uh - Dan.
- Dude, what did you do? First of all, we're gonna have to see some - Yep.
Okay.
- All right, look, this is blatant racial profiling.
She's Scandinavian.
- Wow.
Really? - Out loud? The "s" word? Brigette is here to see the house that I put an offer on as a citizen of this country.
That is perfectly legal.
Excuse me.
I work for the Thurn-Tippett Corporation.
We did government subcontract work out of Virginia.
- Can I have a sec, please? - Sure.
Have a nice night.
See you.
Okay, what the hell did you say to them? Sorry.
You'll never get clearance for me to answer that.
Well, nicely done.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Hey, Pindar.
Oh, hey.
Do you mind if I dance with your fiancée? I swear to God, I will not violate her like Jared did with Peter's mom.
Sure.
Yes.
Here.
I miss you already.
Mm! I miss you.
So, Dan Mundy's awesome.
Not as awesome as you.
You're really getting married.
You really are leaving.
Is this gonna be like the time we all saw "Toy Story 3"? You guys were a mess.
I think we didn't want to believe in Brigette because we didn't want to believe that you were leaving.
I'm really happy, guys, and I loved my time with you two.
Mostly when I was sleeping.
When I was awake, you hazed me mercilessly.
Hmm.
We did.
Promise to visit? Promise to be the best men at my wedding? Only if you'll be ours.
If the NFL is ready, then so am I.
It would be an honor to be your best man.
Wait.
Pindy, not our wedding.
Ah, forget it.
Dude.
He's all grown up.
Great.
Turning the D&D into a landmark makes it a hot spot.
We saved this place from getting leveled and now we can't even get a table.
They should at least name something on the menu after us.
You guys! You two won't be there longer than five minutes.
Yeah, great.
We done good here.
That should be reward enough.
Yeah, well, it isn't.
No, it's not.
I'm starving.
You know what I miss? Banging my mom? Told you, I'm not gonna do it.
No more mom jokes.
Ever.
You can go there.
I don't care.
My mom's in the sex business.
I've accepted it.
Nope.
I'm gonna pick something else.
The dimple on your chin.
What about it? Besides it being awesome.
- It's a vestige.
- A vestige? It's an evolutional remnant.
It used to be a blowhole.
Get out.
Yeah, look it up.
You were probably a water mammal who swam in the ocean like some big-headed dolphin.
All right, come on.
Enough.
- Go back to the mom jokes.
- Not gonna do it.
Yeah, that's right, 'cause you already did! Up top! Yeah, you'd break the surface for air and just pssh! Shut up.
I'm just saying.
That's also how you'd, uh - What? - Mate.
- Dude! - Yeah.
In your chin.
All right, knock it off.
- Males receive, too.
- I get it.
Colleen? Did you sleep well? Uh-huh.
Oh, you can freak out now if you'd like.
This is bad.
This is this is bad.
This is very bad.
This is the type of thing guys always joke about doing but they never actually do, but we - We did it.
- You needed this.
Was that obvious? And if one night of my surrogate skills is enough to allow you to focus on other women besides Ellen Swatello, then I'd say this is a victory.
Okay, well, trust me.
The last person I'm thinking about now is, uh, Swatello, so good job there.
Jared, this was just a one-time occurrence.
Absolutely.
Just a one-way ride.
Sorry.
I heard that the second I said it.
Oh, and, uh and Peter must never know anything about this, because he's understandably squeamish about my line of work.
You think? Yeah, like I'm gonna just tell him that I had sex with with his mother.
Look, you needed this to move on.
Peter will get up in a moment.
I better head out.
Right.
Colleen! Colleen! Colleen! Colleen! Oh, thanks.
You okay? Uh-huh.
Bye, Jared.
"Bye, Jared.
" Morning.
Aah! What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? You only copy me when you've done something weird.
What'd you do? What'd you uh I didn't do anything.
You're wrapped in a sheet.
I think I may, uh, crashed out here last night.
- Crazy night, huh? - Yeah.
Peter, I'm, uh All right, let's go grab some breakfast.
You can tell me all about what you are.
- Peter, I'm, uh - Come on.
Let's go.
Motherf Is the Duke of landingshire feeling the high cost of low living? Huh? Are you hungover? Oh, no.
I mean, no.
No more than you.
- Did you get laid last night? - No way.
I mean, uh I was with Swatello.
Thought you guys were done.
Yeah, we are, but, uh, you know, she's, a habit I can't quite kick.
No shame.
I see the appeal.
I need some electrolytes, I need a short stack, and I need them now.
We need a waitress.
It's not like this place is busy.
- Hey, Tara.
Kind of quiet today.
- Hey.
We took a hit last week.
Wasn't that always a "C"? Oh, we were an "A" before mom died, but it's been a rough couple of months, so I guess I let some things slip.
We're all out of waffle mix, Jared.
I'm sorry.
Oh, come on.
Really? No, I mean I mean, that's great, that's great, 'cause now I get to have delicious oatmeal.
- That's like nature's waffle.
- Mm-hmm.
Our kitchen is just as clean as Ben's Red-hots and they got a "B.
" Well, Ben's sucks.
It's like dog food in a sausage sock.
Yeah.
It'll be okay.
I can't do it alone.
My brother's up in Marin.
He's no help.
- Well, listen, we can appeal let's appeal this.
- Yeah.
Oh, that's sweet, you guys, but I can't afford a lawyer.
No, we'll take our fees in buffalo wings.
Seriously.
Totally serious.
I'd really appreciate that.
- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah.
I'll come right back and get your order a-as long as you don't want, um, eggs, bacon, or oatmeal.
- Is that you? - Yeah.
I don't believe it.
He's back.
I don't think this is a great idea, though.
It's a great idea.
Quiet.
Quiet.
He's here.
He's here? Guys, he's here.
He's here.
Let's get the lights.
Kill the music.
Get the lights.
Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! See? Great idea.
You okay? So, after traveling for 26 straight hours, you think people hiding in the dark and screaming at me in my own home was a good idea.
It was an idea.
There is evidence that another person has been using our bathroom lots of tiny soaps, pumice toothpaste, the towels smell like patchouli.
Peter, your mother was visiting? She loves patchouli.
- Uh, no, I - They're mine.
I like the size of hotel soaps.
They make my hands feel big, and you know what they say about big hands.
Dan, uh, come on over here.
Have you met Pindy? Pindy, Dan Mundy.
He's our new investigator.
He was staying in your room while you were away.
I've heard a lot about you.
Which probably means he bugs your phone.
That's not true at all.
They told me that you received an e-mail from a woman who was mugged in Belgium and needed money, and you went there to help her.
- You're a humanitarian.
- Wow.
In two sentences, you said more nice things to me than these guys did in 10 years.
Hey.
Dan, you can have my room.
I will not be living here anymore.
What's that now? I'm getting married.
- That's fantastic.
- What? You're kidding.
To who? - Brigette.
- Brigette Barnes? The girl from Belgium who sent you the e-mail asking for money? Yeah.
We met immediately fell in love.
It was like an ance-edy.
Ance-edy? You mean a rom-com.
He just said that.
Yeah, I thank you.
So, you've met her in the flesh.
No, but we have been texting.
Actually, we mostly sext.
Want to see a picture? Not if it's of your genitals.
Boom.
- Okay.
- Wow.
She looks like Carmen Electra.
Right? People say that to her on the street all the time.
I bet they do, 'cause that's a photo of Carmen Electra, Pindy.
I have facial-recognition software on my laptop if you want to forward me the pic.
- For what?! - It's Carmen Electra.
No.
There's no need.
She's real.
Okay, Pindy, how much money in total have you sent to your fiancée? Carmen Electra.
Oh, I see.
You still think she's scamming me.
You know what? We're looking to cut 100 names from the invite list if you'd rather not come to the wedding.
- Come on.
- Pindy Pindy Electra, come ba Stop.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
Pindy.
Dan, I need you to do that cyber-vetting thing you do.
Find out everything you can about Brigette Barnes, okay? I don't think my friend would like me doing that.
You just met Pindar.
We hit it off.
You spy on Peter and I all the time.
That's different.
You guys are family.
Come back with some proof that Brigette Barnes doesn't exist.
You got it? Seeing how my personal loyalty lies with Pindar and my professional loyalty lies with you, I must ask, is this a request or an order? It's an order.
Okay.
Then I'm on it.
Thank you.
Now, the same vendors who sell to our diner saw the food inspector eating at Ben's Red-hots on Spring Street.
Now, Ben's Red-hots got a "B" grade even though their kitchen had similar violations to our diner.
- Can you prove it? - Aha! We may not have enough money for private investigators, but we do have loyal customers.
Well, you're looking at two of them.
Hmm.
Seems like the inspector and owner of Ben's are buddies.
- There are other options.
- Tara, don't.
What? We were approached a few months ago by Eckhart Smits to buy the restaurant.
Smits.
- Eckhart loved my mom.
- We all loved her.
No one more than Jared.
Well, Jared was mom's favorite.
Sorry, Peter.
No.
So true.
My mom's, too.
- Okay, dude, enough mom talk.
- O-okay.
We know Eckhart Smits the burger baron.
D&D being owned by a chain? Blasphemy, I know.
You can't trust Eckhart Smits.
Relax.
We told Smits no.
My mother's diner has been there for 85 years.
It is not going down on my watch.
D&D is an institution.
Reagan ate there.
Tommy Lasorda.
Bugsy Siegel.
Loved "Bugsy.
" How hot was Annette Benning? Ah, hot enough to fry bacon.
A-a-are we off topic here? - Not at all.
- Watch how we bring it back.
We are gonna have the health department for lunch.
We're gonna say that you diner was unfairly singled out.
The inspector harassed your diner to benefit his friend's restaurant.
See how we brought that back? Boomerang.
This is a photo of your inspector, Henry Shea, eating a hot dog at Ben's Red-hots.
- Is that you, Hank? - That's me, Jack.
Do you play golf with the owner of Ben's, Ben Kagen? I do.
Every other Friday at Rancho.
- You looking for a game? - Always.
Do you eat at Ben's often? Uh, if you're accusing me of getting hungry and enjoying a hot dog guilty.
If one can enjoy a ground-up pig face shoved in a collagen condom.
Now he's a food critic.
Hank's friendship with Ben does not compromise the impartiality of his inspection.
- He's one of my go-to guys.
- Oh, thank you, Jack.
- That right? - Then can you explain why you deducted points from the D&D diner for their kitchen's floor/sink air gap when it was identical to the floor/sink air gap at Ben's? - Hmm, that shouldn't have happened.
- Damn skippy.
That cost D&D diner four points which knocked their rating down to a "C," scaring away potential customers.
Right into the clutches of Ben's Red-hots.
Clutches? Seriously? - No good? - Actually, it worked.
- Felt good.
- Yeah.
Are you suggesting that Hank would do this to funnel money to Ben's? Suggesting's a bit subtle.
We're actually accusing him.
Yeah.
- D&D has bigger problems.
- Come again? I did a follow-up investigation of the D&D yesterday, and although they've complied with some of their violations, I found evidence of vermin infestation.
- Vermin infestation? - Cockroaches.
- Cockroaches? - Well-fed cockroaches.
I've got my photos on my laptop.
The cockr they're a local delicacy, guys.
Right, that's an off-the-menu item.
I got to look at those photos, and then I'm gonna close the D&D diner until further notice.
- Close it? - Let me know about golf.
Did we just make things, like, a whole lot worse? - Yeah, I think so.
- Yeah.
Closed for how long? Guys, we need the cash flow.
I can't update the kitchen on my paycheck alone.
We've never had cockroaches before.
Our forensic entomologist is here to run a species check.
I will break him.
Oh, now this is vermin infestation.
I was driving by and saw the closed sign.
Is everything okay? Wow.
What a coincidence.
We just get shut down by the health department and you see the sign.
You know, they should give the mom-and-pop joints a fair shake.
You should come with evil theme music.
- I was just thinking that.
- Really? - Like bum, bum, bu-u-u-m.
- Yeah, but like more strings.
- Like reh, reh, reh.
- Yeah.
- Eckhart Smits, these are our lawyers.
- Oh, we've met.
Been a long time.
Franklin and Bash.
These guys filed a suit against me in '0 - '04.
- 4.
Yeah.
Uh, well, for putting dipping sauce with our hot wings.
Well, only for the people at the drive-through.
See, Mr.
Smits here suggested it was safe to dip and drive.
But studies revealed it was more dangerous than driving while texting.
Actually, there were no studies to support that, which is why you lost.
Eh.
We were young, just mere chicken tenders.
But now we're the big cocks of the walk.
Seth, Tara, I loved Donna.
I would never screw your mom.
A friend wouldn't do that to a friend.
You don't know how much friends do.
- What? - Nothing.
Nothing.
My offer still stands.
You know where I am.
Good seeing you two again.
- This has been great.
- You sure you can't stay for lunch, see what a hamburger made of meat tastes like? - Everything all right? - Yep.
I mean, no.
You know, we got a diner to save.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How's the cast of "The Big Bang Theory"? That's racist.
How's that racist? How isn't it? The cockroach I found is native to Thailand.
Oh, maybe they're here on vacation, staying in a nice Roach motel.
What?! Is this guy for real? - Oh, my God.
- Yeah, we may have to kill one of them.
Guys, someone planted those roaches in the diner.
Eckhart Smits? All right, well, let's file an injunction at least keep them open until we can figure out who planted the bugs.
- Oh, uh, Colleen called.
- Okay.
I'll call her back.
Colleen.
Peter's mom.
Right.
I thought you met my Colleen totally separate lady who's, uh, my yoga and, uh, hydroponic i-instructor.
Been thinking about getting into that.
I was gonna talk to you about what are you guys doing? Well, uh, it is time for some afternoon delight.
Everyday at 5:00 P.
M.
, Brigette and I enjoy webcam sex.
Let me guess, she likes to stay in the shadows and watch you, but u can't really see her.
You told them.
No.
Not yet.
She likes to stay in the shadows and watch I'm gonna go inside.
I need my oils, right? Okay, what did you find out about Pindar's fiancée? - Haven't started yet.
- What?! Why are you so protective of Pindar? You barely know him.
I want to know why you guys like Pindar so much.
Maybe if I learn some of his personality strengths, you'll like me more.
I don't know where to begin.
You go.
All right, first of all, Pindar's character and his personality are not his strengths.
Which is why we love him.
So then it's a physical attraction? - It's really not.
- Okay.
So then you love Pindar for his transparency, which allows you to see into his soul.
- Sure.
Let's say that.
- Okay.
Then I'll execute a real vetting that'll violate international and constitutional law.
- Now we're cooking with gas.
- Great.
Thank you.
- He still scares me.
- I'm terrified.
We'd like to present to the court exhibit "A.
" The edible cockroaches found in the D&D diner are native to Thailand, which leads us to believe that they were planted there by another party.
Has there been any evidence of nesting? As documented there, the D&D owners hired a private pest-control expert who found no evidence of infestation.
Franklin and Bash, wrangle your vermin.
Dude, what's going on? Are you okay? I think my blood sugar's just way, way, way low.
Whoa! Excuse me, that's exhibit "A.
" Th-th-th-there's one over there.
- There's one.
- Get it! Get it! Get it! What are you doing here? I had jury duty.
We're at lunch.
I can't go to lunch.
Well, I wasn't asking you.
I'm here to see my son.
Your Honor, we'd ask the court to direct the health department to allow the D&D diner to keep its letter grade at a "b.
" Is this about the other night? W-what other night? Mr.
Bash, will you tell your partner if he doesn't stop talking, I will hold him after class.
Mom, dude, you're killing me.
- Well, he started it.
- Thing bit me.
Order! Until an independent investigator determines whether the roaches were put in the kitchen by a third party, the diner is to remain closed until further notice.
Well, Your Honor, the health department is backlogged with cases.
That could take weeks.
I've made my ruling, Mr.
Bash.
We are adjourned.
What the hell is wrong with you lately? Nothing.
I-I just think my blood sugar was low, but I-I'm feeling better now.
I just need you know what? I should get a cookie.
I'm gonna get a cookie, and then I'll You got a sec? Mm.
Yeah.
Come in.
Yeah.
Oh, oh, and don't forget that Damien starts this week.
Just hope things will be different this time 'round.
Absolutely.
Uh, we miss him.
You all right? Uh Jared, anything that you tell me will always be in the strictest of confidence.
Uh I did something.
Go on.
I did something, and I regret it.
But I can't undo it 'cause it already got done.
- I - Slept with Peter's mother.
No, no, no, no.
I mean, how could you know that? Because you're a product of your father's corrupt DNA.
A-and I know that you would never murder anyone, and you certainly wouldn't have sex with Peter's girlfriend, so that left only his mother and a couple of barely legal sex acts, but I don't think you've got the stones or the lower body strength to execute them.
I'm a bad friend.
Oh, please.
Come on.
Why, only five years ago, I had a torrid dalliance with my late partner Henry Daniels' mother.
Wouldn't that make her like 111? Huh? Yeah.
Anyway, you're gonna have to tell him what happened.
Really? And you think he'd be cool with it? Absolutely not.
In fact, it may end the friendship and send you into a shame spiral of which you might never recover.
But the truth will be revealed.
Or and I'm just saying this 'cause your version's all kinds of bananas I don't say anything to Peter, and we all just keep living our lives.
Yeah, well, that would be all fine and dandy if you hadn't told me, but I can't be burdened with this lie.
I mean, I'm gonna have to tell Peter myself.
What the fu yeah.
Listen.
I can't be party to your friend's betrayal.
Wait.
B-but you just said that Yes.
Jared, look.
I am an enigma wrapped in a cypher and I warn you, don't try and peel this onion.
You'll only find a plum.
Fine.
I will tell Peter that I had sex with his mother.
Thank you for being my confidante.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, you're welcome.
- I traced the cockroaches.
- Whoa! Geez! - Were your parents ninjas? - They never said.
The cockroaches are edible and came from a vendor that does business with the diner.
Oh, let me guess Eckhart Smits, the greedy burger baron who'd do anything to steal that location? You nailed it.
- Peter? - Yeah.
- You didn't nail it.
- What? You just said that with such confidence, I wanted you to be right, but you're not.
Well, Dan, who the hell was it? The invoice for the roaches was sent to the D&D diner.
What? Oh, and some good news Pindar's girlfriend arrives tomorrow.
- You're kidding.
- Mm.
So you'll all see that Pindar's telling the truth.
I need to find Jared.
Probably sniffing around Swatello's office.
Oh, wait, no.
She's still in Cincinnati for her dad's birthday.
- How long's Swatello been gone? - A week.
But Jared said that he and Ellen were together the other night.
Patchouli! You okay? Dude? All right, everyone, uh, time for an emergency fire drill.
Um stop what you're doing right now.
Evacuate the building.
Just leave your belongings.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not the elevators.
Use the stairs.
No, no.
We stay.
Come on, everybody! Move it! Peter, I done a bad, bad thing.
I know what happened.
- Trust me, you don't know this one.
- I know about you and my mom.
Okay, do I have a sign that says "I banged Peter's mom" on my forehead? Let me rephrase that before you punch a hole through my face.
I swear, I-I never tried to sleep with her.
It just kind of happened.
You know? My mind's not right since Swatello.
I-I blame her.
I blame the hooch.
You know, I even blame the tides.
'Cause they said the moon a-and the tides, they could mess with your cycles.
I will never make another mom joke again.
Come on.
Say something.
Slap me.
Punch me.
Slap me.
Just treat her right.
No.
It's never gonna happen again.
So my mom was just a one-night stand? No, no.
No.
Good.
Good.
Jared, I see the way she is around you, the way she lights up when you walk into a room.
Huh? I've always wanted her to meet someone, and preferably someone I liked.
And I like you.
So this is good.
No.
No.
This is great.
Are you messing with my head? Are you messing with my mom's head? - No.
- Good.
- 'Cause you better not be.
- I'm not.
Okay.
Okay.
Good.
Come on.
Come on.
Just punch me.
Come on.
Do it.
Were you, uh Listening? Only to the part where you had sex with Peter's mom.
I I cannot imagine a better welcome-back gift.
Thank you.
I know.
It's cool, right? Yeah.
And I-I knew people were jumping ship, but what? Couldn't even hold on to an intern? They heard you were coming back.
And I heard you bang your friends' moms.
Yeah.
Every time you open your mouth.
Come on.
We got work to do.
So, this invoice for the edible cockroaches was sent to the D&D diner, but it hasn't been paid yet.
Dude, if you're taking me to some empty warehouse to put a bullet in my head, I won't run.
Head in the game, man.
I'm fine with you dating my mom.
- Dating? - Listen to me.
At first I thought it was that burger baron Smits who was trying to tank the diner.
Now I'm not so sure.
What are you saying? I think it was an inside job.
We paid for the cockroaches? Is that what you're saying? If it was someone else, why did they send the invoice to your diner? Well, where'd you get this? Uh, I'm out of pocket 30 grand upgrading the refrigeration system and paying for exterminators, and you're saying that I'd sabotage my own diner? We don't think it was you.
Get out.
Both of you, get out of our diner right now.
No.
I paid for the cockroaches.
Tara.
It was me, Seth.
I was trying to kill the family business.
When you went off to college and after dad died, I stayed behind, helping mom, and You said we had to keep the diner open.
And I went into my own pocket.
Exactly.
You threw money at it and not your heart.
You could've said something, Tara.
I tried.
But every time I brought up selling this place, you said I was being disloyal.
Look, I love our diner and I love our customers, but I couldn't do it alone.
So you wanted your brother to spend enough of his own money that he'd raise the white flag and not you.
I'm sorry.
You know, if you wanted me to come, I would have, and we wouldn't have had to sell the place.
- Wait.
Sell what? - Sell the diner? After we lost in court, we reached out to Eckhart Smits.
Smits is the new owner? Why why didn't you tell us? We felt like it was a family decision.
But, guys, Eckhart promised to keep the diner open under the same name.
You'll still have your power table.
- Did you sign anything? - This morning.
Can I take a look at the papers? It's amazing.
I just wish you'd cooked like this for me when I was a kid.
Well, this does look delicious, doesn't it? Hello everyone.
- Hi.
- Ah, hello, Jared.
How was your day? Same old, same old.
- Hey, Peter.
- Hey, buddy.
So, I got your text about the trap door in the sales doc.
Yeah.
If after three months, the D&D diner hasn't met a 40% profit margin, then Smits can, uh repurpose the property.
Oh, they're never gonna hit that number.
Smits just wants the land that the diner's sitting on.
Told you he's a straight-up villain.
What's the penalty if they pull out of the sale? $50,000.
We got our work cut out for us.
I hear that Pindar's fiancée's coming here.
- Can't wait to meet her.
- There's no way.
You boys should throw the shower.
I'll help you.
That sounds like a great idea, mom.
So, I tipped off immigration to Brigette Barnes.
If she even exists.
Uh, what's with the, um, non-paper plates and inviting your mom to dinner? Nothing.
Just thought we could have a nice, semi-romantic dinner together.
Why? Pindy, Dan, supper.
You ready? Oh, I'm ready.
Colleen.
Mind your knees.
Precious cargo.
Looks good, guys.
We thank you for this meal and pray for the safe arrival of Pindar's fiancée, Brigette, and that God may bless this union.
Amen? You know, I was thinking that, uh, after dinner, maybe we could all grab a movie on Netflix, make a night of it.
What do you say, Jared? I think that sounds wonderful, Peter.
Oh, no more for me.
I've got a long drive home tonight.
Drive? Nonsense.
You can stay here.
- Absolutely.
- Great.
- Wonderful.
- Fantastic.
Okay, I get it.
You know I slept with Jared.
Amen.
What the hell? That is awesome.
Maybe when Brigette gets into town, you get your lady, we go on a double date couple 6's, couple 10's.
You know what I mean? - I see a new "it" couple.
- Jarelleen.
No.
Jolleen.
No.
Colleered.
I like it.
What do you think, Jared? - How about stepdad? - Love it.
- Great.
- Either way, nice pull.
Stop it, all of you.
That's enough.
I'm not some kind of foot bag in a little game of hacky sack.
Peter, even though I tried to help Jared get over his girlfriend, I should've referred him to another therapist.
Lesson learned.
Never drink on the job.
- And, Jared.
- Yes dear? I will not be party to anything that will hurt my son.
I'm not trying to hurt him.
I'm trying to get him to hurt me.
This is too close to home.
Well, I would say it's more than a little too close to home since it happened in the home in one of these bedrooms.
Or maybe all of these bedrooms.
I don't know the geography of the encounter.
I've lost my appetite.
Thank you for having me.
I think Peter's mom is dumping you.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Colleen - No.
Mom.
Even though I never meant to hurt anyone, that doesn't make this right.
I'm sorry, Peter.
Don't be sorry.
We're all adults here.
Really? Since when? Let's eat.
Wow.
Pbht! I am starved.
Morning.
Good morning, Peter.
Oh, this seems important.
You sure you don't want me to grab Jared? No, no, no, no, no.
It's fine.
No, I just wanted to have a word with you alone.
- Now, close the door.
- Okay.
Please sit down.
You know, first off, I must just tell you, uh, sorry to learn about the D&D's fate.
That old dining car, it reminded me of the ones I used to ride in when I was a boy.
You know, my mother sewed secret documents from the S.
I.
S.
into my knickers, and we delivered them to the French Resistance the turning point in the war.
Well, I don't have to tell you that.
Oh, but you did.
Anyway, it's a shame that such a timeless architectural piece is destined for the scrapyard.
Yeah, but at least we'll be eating healthier.
Actually, I'm a little bit more worried about your mental health.
S-say again? Yeah, you know, Jared, he came to me, seeking my advice after well, after touring your mother's nether bits.
- Mm-hmm.
- He seemed quite remorseful.
No, no.
He's good.
We're good.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
All good.
You're punishing Jared by withholding your emotions.
In doing so, you're diminishing him as someone who's important to you.
I mean, you know, it's not healthy to repress the burning coals of betrayal.
Wow.
This is the first time I've been criticized for being too mature.
Have you ever thought about throttling him? Uh Yeah.
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you, Stanton.
I mean, you've you've really helped.
Well, you know, the friendship that you two have, it's to be treasured.
No.
Thank you for saving the diner.
Peter, you're deflecting.
Jared and I have to talk.
We have work to do.
But thanks again.
Deflecting! The airline lost one of Brigette's bags and she missed her flight to L.
A.
And then she found out her brother got sick, so she may have to go back home.
Okay, Pindy, stop.
There is no Brigette.
It's someone with a fake identity trying to scam you.
Pindy.
Are y are you thinking, or is this thing frozen? Oh, no, I'm here, Jared, and I look forward to your apology.
Oh, and, Meg, I'm so sorry, but next Friday's "bring your mom to work" day has been cancelled.
Bummer.
Why? Well, we've got an in-house predator issue.
Well, it's not stopping your mom from coming.
My mom died three months ago.
You mom's still alive, isn't she? - Mm-hmm.
Totally alive.
- Well played.
Hey, I need to talk to you.
Me, too.
Look, our friendship is too important to me.
Oh, later.
I know how to save the diner.
The diner? It's a classic hickey-dow dining car built in the 1930s for the Colton Railway Company and retired in Los Angeles in the 1950s.
It is of great cultural and historical significance and thus must be given the protection of a historical landmark.
A dining car once attached to a train doesn't fall under the parameters of building architecture.
Excuse me.
You are? Really? Eckhart B.
Smits.
I'm a restaurant retailer who now owns the D&D diner.
Who just bought the diner by misleading the sellers.
How did he know we were here? I told him we were taking this to the landmark commission.
Wrong thing to say? Makes it a little harder.
Sit down, please, Mr.
Smits.
Sir, your commission preserves any structure that has particular historic or cultural significance to the city.
Howard Hughes ate in that structure rock stars.
Lady gaga loves Tara's tuna melt.
But the real history here comes from the regulars the customers who come in day in and day out for the food and company.
In fact, my mother used to take Jared and me there as kids.
She would she would order me a double cheeseburger, and then she would turn to Jared and she would ask him what he wanted.
Jared had And Jared had The milkshake.
Jared had my mom.
No, actually, Jared had sex with my mother.
Hello.
Not then.
No.
He waited 30 years, and the when I least expected it boom! - Peter.
- My best friend banged my mother.
I mean, who does that? Who has sex with their best friend's mother? And worse? Everyone but me seems to be okay with it.
No one else seems to care.
And I'm the weird one? Does anyone care how I feel? I care, okay? And I'm crazy sorry.
Okay, I wish I could go back and not have sex with your mom.
She's a great lady, and I really respect her, but it was just it was all kinds of wrong.
And the fact that I took our friendship and just crashed it into a pole kills me.
It makes me want to do a swan dive into a wood chipper.
I am so damn sorry.
Oh, c-come on.
They're trying to make you feel sorry for them.
These lawyers are known performance artists.
He's right.
Mr.
Smits is correct.
It's an allegorical tale.
Right? Oh, don't look at me.
You're the one who banged my mother.
See, Seth and Tara had an implied contract.
Right.
Where they trusted Mr.
Smits to respect their wishes of their mother to keep the diner open.
Just like I should've respected the implied contract I had with Peter to not have sex with his mother.
But Mr.
Smits went back on that, essentially boning the memory of their mother.
I boned no such mother, real or allegorical.
Only the mother of my children, and that's been a while, so forget it.
The landmark commission doesn't arbitrate contract disputes.
We decide on historical landmarks.
Not that you two don't have a lot of history.
This doesn't sound good.
What this committee does care about is cultural significance, of which D&D has plenty.
Sounds better.
Pending an inspection of the diner to see that it is indeed an authentic hickey-dow dining car, this commission votes in favor of making D&D diner a historical landmark, which means it cannot be torn down.
- Boom! - Yes.
- Oh, wow.
- Thank you.
You did it.
Thank you.
You're so welcome.
Want one to go? - You know you do.
- No.
Sure? All right.
Aw, come again.
Don't think that duet worked with us.
I just wanted my fried chicken back.
Really? The guy's mother? Hey, you would have, too, if you would've seen what she Never mind.
I meant it.
Your mom still lives in Sherman Oaks, right? Yeah.
Yes, thank you.
You know, she was only 20 when she had me.
I just don't want your mom to feel awkward.
I don't want her to stop coming by.
I don't think my mom has an awkward bone in her body.
- I didn't say anything.
- You were thinking it.
It was right there.
Anyway, I invited her, but she was busy.
- Doing what? - She had a date.
With who? Some brentwood real-estate developer.
- Owns like 20% of the Kings.
- Sounds like a rebound.
I don't believe it.
No way.
Sorry we're late.
Brigette lost her bag.
Uh, Peter, Jared, this is Brigette.
I have heard such things about you.
Oh.
W-w-what kind of things? Uh, such things.
- Such things.
- Such things.
Uh, chowder room.
- Chowder.
- I love chowder.
Oh, isn't she precious? It's powder room.
Powder.
Oh.
Oh.
Right over there.
Right around the corner.
Yeah.
Miss you already.
Hurry back.
- I miss you, baby.
- Yeah.
You can call it chowder room if you want.
Never thought I'd meet anybody with a more adorable accent than mine.
What do you guys think? Uh, don't even know where to start.
I can't believe we doubted you.
She's so hot.
- She's not unbeautif - What's this? Excuse me, Pindy.
Uh Uh, Dan, what's going on? These two are from the I.
N.
S.
- What do they want? - We're looking for Brigette Barnes.
We were tipped off to search her bags at LAX.
We found offer papers on a house in Westchester.
She's planning a long stay on a tourist visa.
Which is against the law.
Who tipped them off? Uh - Dan.
- Dude, what did you do? First of all, we're gonna have to see some - Yep.
Okay.
- All right, look, this is blatant racial profiling.
She's Scandinavian.
- Wow.
Really? - Out loud? The "s" word? Brigette is here to see the house that I put an offer on as a citizen of this country.
That is perfectly legal.
Excuse me.
I work for the Thurn-Tippett Corporation.
We did government subcontract work out of Virginia.
- Can I have a sec, please? - Sure.
Have a nice night.
See you.
Okay, what the hell did you say to them? Sorry.
You'll never get clearance for me to answer that.
Well, nicely done.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Hey, Pindar.
Oh, hey.
Do you mind if I dance with your fiancée? I swear to God, I will not violate her like Jared did with Peter's mom.
Sure.
Yes.
Here.
I miss you already.
Mm! I miss you.
So, Dan Mundy's awesome.
Not as awesome as you.
You're really getting married.
You really are leaving.
Is this gonna be like the time we all saw "Toy Story 3"? You guys were a mess.
I think we didn't want to believe in Brigette because we didn't want to believe that you were leaving.
I'm really happy, guys, and I loved my time with you two.
Mostly when I was sleeping.
When I was awake, you hazed me mercilessly.
Hmm.
We did.
Promise to visit? Promise to be the best men at my wedding? Only if you'll be ours.
If the NFL is ready, then so am I.
It would be an honor to be your best man.
Wait.
Pindy, not our wedding.
Ah, forget it.
Dude.
He's all grown up.
Great.
Turning the D&D into a landmark makes it a hot spot.
We saved this place from getting leveled and now we can't even get a table.
They should at least name something on the menu after us.
You guys! You two won't be there longer than five minutes.
Yeah, great.
We done good here.
That should be reward enough.
Yeah, well, it isn't.
No, it's not.
I'm starving.
You know what I miss? Banging my mom? Told you, I'm not gonna do it.
No more mom jokes.
Ever.
You can go there.
I don't care.
My mom's in the sex business.
I've accepted it.
Nope.
I'm gonna pick something else.
The dimple on your chin.
What about it? Besides it being awesome.
- It's a vestige.
- A vestige? It's an evolutional remnant.
It used to be a blowhole.
Get out.
Yeah, look it up.
You were probably a water mammal who swam in the ocean like some big-headed dolphin.
All right, come on.
Enough.
- Go back to the mom jokes.
- Not gonna do it.
Yeah, that's right, 'cause you already did! Up top! Yeah, you'd break the surface for air and just pssh! Shut up.
I'm just saying.
That's also how you'd, uh - What? - Mate.
- Dude! - Yeah.
In your chin.
All right, knock it off.
- Males receive, too.
- I get it.