Maron (2013) s04e07 Episode Script

1 [Door closes.]
Hello? Oops.
Sorry.
- Didn't know you were in here.
- Really? I mean, i-it The water's running, and you live alone.
What are you thinking for dinner? H-Hey.
Hi.
- You're just sitting there? - Are you shy? No, I-I mean I-I mean, I'm in the shower.
I'm like I'm naked and wh-whatnot.
Nothing I haven't seen before.
O-O-Okay, but it's it's me.
It's It's my my stuff.
I'm thinking maybe pasta.
Well, it's just, uh, a little weird, you know, talking to somebody in the shower.
I-I don't think I've ever done it with someone that I'm not, you know Uh, whatever.
Whatever.
It doesn't matter.
Marc, I don't have any sexual feelings for you at all.
I could dress you and not feel a thing.
Or undress you.
Okay, well, that's not helping.
[Toilet flushes.]
[Door closes.]
Oh, my God.
Why don't you pick the pasta sauce? - [Soft music plays in background.]
- Okay.
Wow.
So many different kinds of pasta sauce.
- Was there always this many brands? - Yes.
Just pick one.
[Music continues.]
Oh, my God.
I think I need to sit down.
[Music continues.]
Oh, that Good one.
Good pick.
I thought I was gonna have to go to the hospital.
Bobby! - Hey! - Hey! Marky Marc.
What's going on, man? - How are you? - I'm good, man.
- Ohh! - Ohh! - Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
What the hell you doing here? You know, I'm just shopping, - you know, food, that kind of thing.
- Me too.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
What, did you forget which car is yours? I'm just looking for some change.
I wanted to see if I could borrow a few bucks.
I lost my wallet.
Yeah.
I got to be honest with you, Bobby.
I'm a little low on funds myself.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry.
I just heard you got out of a rehab, so Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, man, all right, well, it was good seeing you, buddy.
- I - Where you going? I've been sober for two years, man, without a slip.
I'm feeling great.
What do you think? - Sober? For real? - Can you believe that? - You? - Ever since I saw you two years ago, you inspired me and whatnot, and here we are.
- Oh, my God, that's great, Bobby.
- Isn't it ironic? - It is, yeah.
- Shirley: Marc, come on! You living with your mom now? That's tremendous.
Let me tell you something it's good to have family around.
That's why I'm in L.
A.
I got a little family here, whatnot.
No, it's not my mom.
Yeah, she takes in, uh, sober guys, gives them a place to live, that kind of stuff, you know? Like a Like a boarding house.
Well, it's just me and her.
What do you mean? One bed? No, dude, I No.
I got my own room.
- It's normal, you know? - Yeah.
It's not normal.
It's not.
I-I can't even explain what's happening.
- Marc, who's your friend? - Hi.
Shirley, - this is Bobby.
- Nice to meet you.
- Bobby, Shirley.
- Hello.
I'm looking at you guys.
This is a weird pair.
I can't see you guys sitting around the house watching TV all day.
Y-You should come to dinner.
We're We're having pasta.
I just I just helped pick out the sauce.
Absolutely.
- All right, buddy.
- All right? - Good.
- Great to see you, always.
- I - Nice to meet you.
- Who was that? - That's Bobby Mendez.
He's an old comic, road guy.
You know, he, uh he used to have a big coke problem.
I guess he's sober now.
Well, I don't like the look of him.
And, Marc, you can't just ask people over for dinner without asking me.
I'm sorry, but I thought it would be good to have a sober friend over to the house, you know? Ahh.
[Scoffs.]
It'd be weird to uninvite him now.
Well, next time please ask.
[Scoffs.]
I hope he likes pasta.
He's not a picky eater.
[Dishes rattle.]
[Slurps, laughs.]
Oh, my God.
I don't think I've ever seen anyone eat that much.
- Whew.
- [Laughing.]
Yeah.
When I eat, I eat, especially now that I'm not drinking or doing coke or smoking pot or smoking hash or eating pills or doing bath salts.
You know, when I get down to eating, this is it.
I got a big hole to fill.
[Laughing.]
It must be a pretty deep hole.
That was something to watch.
- Wow.
- Did I ever tell you about that time I bought coke off the neo-Nazis? - I don't think so.
- Tremendous.
- Yeah? - I was down in Beaumont three days eating Valiums like a pirate.
All of a sudden, the last night, I'm out of blow.
I got a victim in the hotel room.
- Right.
- I call my buddy.
He's like, "Listen, I'm gonna take you to get an 8-ball, but these guys are neo-Nazis, you know?" - Yeah.
- And I'm Cuban.
- Right.
- I figured they were gonna hate me, but I just show up with four $100 bills.
Even people who hate don't hate Ben Franklin.
- You know what I'm saying? - That's right.
[Both laugh.]
Did you get that joke "hate Ben Franklin"? [Laughs.]
[Sighs.]
Anyway, speaking of filling holes - Yeah? - where's that can you got? I'm gonna go bury a body in there.
[Laughing.]
He's [Sighs.]
Uh, it's right It's down the hall to, uh on the right there.
- You'll see it.
- [Exhales deeply.]
If I don't come out in 20, call an ambulance, huh? [Both laugh.]
- Neo-Nazis.
- Yeah, right? [Both laugh.]
[Sighs.]
It's funny, right? Funny guy.
[Door closes in distance.]
Bobby: Ahh.
You have a terrific shitter.
Nice apron.
Yeah.
My night to do the dishes.
Listen, I'm thinking of hitting the meeting, but if we go, we got to go right now.
You have obligations here.
Yeah, but I can do the dishes later.
A meeting would be good.
I mean, you know how important they are for sobriety.
Meetings are fine if you're with the right people.
Oh.
I get it.
It's about me.
I'm not the right people.
That is fat-shaming.
Marc, I'll wait for you out in the car.
It's just a meeting.
I really need one.
I'll be back in a couple hours.
[Crickets chirping.]
[Sighs.]
[Seatbelt clicks.]
What is up with that old broad? What? She's nice.
She's just strict, you know, set in her ways.
You gray-diving her? No, I'm not gray-diving her.
I don't even think that's a term.
- You knew what I was saying.
- Yeah.
Then it's a term.
- Mm.
- Context.
So, if you're not gray-diving her, why are you there? Marc, it's not the best environment for you to stay sober in by turning your back on your way of life? I'm sitting there during dinner thinking, "He's either banging her, or this is nuts!" I'm not banging her.
Would you stop with that? She's like 90.
Listen, my point is that avoiding life is not the trap you want to fall into right now.
That ain't sobriety.
Tonight I'm gonna teach you about sobriety - [Engine starts.]
- Uncle Bobby's way, okay? - Yeah, all all right, Bobby, fine.
- [Laughs.]
- Let's Let's do it.
- [Rock music plays.]
- We're gonna go do this right.
- Oh, all right.
[Music continues.]
Good meeting, man.
Thanks for bringing me.
Any time, buddy.
I like these things myself.
- Aw, shit.
- What? I got to talk to these guys.
Wait right here, all right? - Yeah.
- Wait here.
Bobby: Hey.
I'm gonna need a few more days, guys.
I just don't have the money.
- [Man grunts.]
- Oh, shit! [Both grunting.]
Come on! Leave him alone! Oh, man! - [Grunts.]
- Bobby: [Coughing.]
God damn it.
Are you all right? - Who are those guys, man? - Bobby: [Groans.]
[Grunts.]
I owe some money gambling.
Are you all right, buddy? I'm fine.
[Coughs.]
I got a plan.
I got to find a pawn shop.
I got a brooch I got to unload.
A brooch? Where'd you get a brooch? I stole it from the old broad's house.
What the hell's wrong with you, man? I invite you into her house.
- You can't steal from her.
- Listen to you! - You're not even making any sense! - Yeah, but you're a thief! - Ow! What kind of - You feel that? You haven't felt that alive in a long time, have you? Now you got to trust me on this.
She's old.
She's not even gonna notice.
We'll go to this pawn shop.
That's why it's a pawn shop 'cause they get it back.
I got a plan.
- You gonna trust me, Marky Marc? - I Come on! Now stop being a pussy.
- Let's go down there.
- Oh, God damn it.
Shit.
You all right? Whatever you sow in this life Is the same fruits you shall reap This guy's a criminal.
He didn't give me enough to cover the debt.
That's a nice guitar.
Yeah.
This was my guitar.
Oh, shit.
Sorry.
I don't even remember pawning it, man.
All right, so, what happens now? You stole from the nice lady.
- Are we done now? - No.
I need more money to cover the debt, so now we gamble.
[Chuckles.]
Great plan gambling.
There's no way we can lose.
That's the spirit, Marky Marc.
Yeah, I think you're misunderstanding my tone, but let's go.
Who cares? Come on.
Bobby: This is gonna be great, Marky Marc.
You have no idea, my friend.
- You have no idea.
- Wait.
What the hell is this? Welcome to the world's most beautiful sport - cockfighting.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you shitting me, Bobby? - No.
A couple of Russian mobsters beat the shit out of you for for gambling debt, and you're gonna fix it with this, with cockfighting? It's one of the world's most beautiful, brutal, - ancient sports, all right? - Mm-hmm.
It was used by warriors in Southeast Asia to stimulate their troops before they went to battle.
Just because a bunch of pussies in America made it illegal doesn't mean it shouldn't be going on.
No, actually, that's exactly what it means.
We're gonna have a good time.
Come on.
- Oh, my God.
- Come on.
This is gonna be great.
Trust me.
- [Car beeping.]
- We'll make a little money, and we'll be all fine.
Oh, boy.
This place is terrifying.
It's just a bunch of guys having a great time.
- [Crowd cheers in distance.]
- You hear that? Watch this.
- What is that?! - Say hello to Philippe.
That's the toughest gamecock in the San Fernando Valley.
He's a rescue, though.
Look how cute he is.
This is insane, man.
Oh, God damn it.
- All right.
- Here we go.
Hey.
Marc, my brooch is missing.
It was there before Bobby came for dinner.
Oh, no, no, no.
I-I don't believe that.
- That That's not Bobby.
- I know that you're saying this because he's your friend, but you've got to get away from him.
He is trouble.
Look, I-I get he's a little unpolished, maybe a little unsophisticated, but he's just vulgar.
H-He's all right.
Marc, this isn't a suggestion.
I'm telling you.
[Sighs.]
All right, listen to me, all right? No one can tell me who I can be friends with.
You understand? I'm a grown-ass man.
I don't need anyone telling me what I can or can't do, all right? You got it? I'll get home when I get home.
[Cellphone beeps.]
Bobby: That was tremendous.
How do you feel? I feel really good.
- You're alive, huh? - Yeah.
- Hold on to Philippe.
- What? - I've never held one before.
- It's okay.
- Look at that guy.
Look at that guy.
- [Laughs.]
What i What is that? This is Viagra.
Seriously? Oh, they go apeshit when you give them this stuff.
You haven't seen a pollo loco till they're on Viagra.
Huh.
There we go.
This is the magic powder.
- What is that paprika? - Paprika.
We're going old-school tonight.
- [Blows.]
- Whoa.
Now he's ready to go.
Yeah.
Look at that.
I think it's kicking in.
This is my baby.
- Let's do this.
- No, I'm good here.
I don't need to see this.
I-I'll wait out here by the car.
You're such a pussy, Maron.
Hey! Oh, my God! How much is this? Enough to pay my debt, get your brooch back, - and the guitar.
- This is amazing, Bobby! Where's Philippe? The hell with him.
It's a chicken.
- He'll handle himself.
- That's a little cold.
Hey, like I said, it's a chicken.
I give that cocktail of paprika and Viagra to any bird on the street, and they'll beat the hell out of Tyson.
This is unbelievable, man.
That's sober living.
That's what it's like.
You feel that rush? - It's amazing, man! - God damn right it is.
See, you do the things that give you a rush, and that's what keeps you from using.
Wow, man.
I think you're onto something, Bobby.
Shit, yes, I am.
So, what happens now? We go back to the pawn shop? Nah, it's closed.
Fine.
Let's do it tomorrow.
Whatever you want, I'm in.
I'm putting my faith in you 100%.
100%.
Let's do this.
[Laughing.]
Yeah, look at that.
Should I not do that? Okay.
Marc: Whoo! - So, this is your place, huh? - Yeah.
My uncle owns this piece of shit, but he gives me a break on the rent.
Family's important.
You ready for the second part of the festivities? Yeah! - Are you ready? - I think so! Wait till you see this.
- - [Indistinct conversation.]
Hey, girls.
- Hey, Bobby.
- Hey, Bobby.
This is my friend Marc I told you guys about.
- Hey.
Hi.
- Crystal: Hi Hi, Marc.
Hi.
You ready for your last blowout of the night? Ready to get your sober on? Uh, can I talk to you for a sec? Yeah, sure.
What's the problem? You can take your pick.
We don't need to fight over this.
Nah, it's j just not really my thing, man.
What, you're not into banging now? No, no, I just I don't pay for it, you know? So, you follow my lead all the way up to pussy? I-I Yeah, I guess so.
[Scoffs.]
This is the type of attitude that leads to a slip.
Let's go talk to some broads, have a good time.
- Come on.
- [Groans.]
Okay.
[Laughs.]
Crystal, let's do it.
Charity, you talk to Marky Marc.
Ah! [Sighs.]
I liked your podcast.
Oh, wow.
Ok Thanks.
I used to work on the street, and I'd listen to it while I was walking.
Right.
Yeah.
Podcasts are good for jobs like that.
I never listened when someone was inside me.
Huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess that would be distracting, right? Okay.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa, hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold Oh, God, you [Sighs heavily.]
I-I'm newly sober, okay? And, you know, I'm just trying to take things slow and, you know, sort of figure things out, you know? I Really? Okay.
There they go.
[Speaking in hushed voice.]
Okay.
Yeah, I-I Can we Okay, you can Eh.
C-Could we just hang out maybe? [Thumping music plays next door.]
I've been sober for four years.
- That's great.
- Thanks.
It's hard because of my job.
Some guys want to do blow when they screw, sometimes off my tits.
Mm.
Yeah, that that doesn't happen to me when I'm doing my job.
No one wants to do blow off my tits yet.
It's different for guys.
Yes, it's definitely different for guys with that stuff.
So, you haven't slipped? Not yet.
[Music continues.]
I'm coming off a big one.
I lost everything.
Everything.
That's what happened to the podcast? Oxycodone.
Oh, those are fun.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
- [Sighing.]
Yeah.
[Jazz music plays in background.]
Yeah, my mom drank.
She was really only nice when she was drunk.
We didn't know who was coming home - nice, drunk mom or cold, mean, sober mom.
- Mm.
Now I have a lot of anxiety.
Yeah, well, I mean [Exhales sharply.]
I get it.
If you don't know who's gonna walk in the door, you're you're sort of forced to live in a permanent state of being freaked out.
[Sighs.]
Whew.
Wow, this is a good meeting.
[Laughs.]
[Music continues in background.]
What's up? Will you feel my breast? Not, like, sexually, but like a doctor? Uh Please? This morning, I thought I felt a lump, and I know it can totally be my anxiety, but I just want to know if it's in my head or if there's really something there.
I-I mean, you you should see a doctor.
He'll just say there's nothing wrong, and I'll feel like an ass.
Please? I can't think about anything else.
I'm convinced I'm dying.
Oh Uh [Sighs.]
Which one? This one.
You just want me to go in there? Okay.
[Exhales sharply.]
Um I don't I don't - I don't feel anything.
I mean - Are you sure? Yeah, it just it feels like a normal boob.
- Hmm.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Phew.
I-I mean, I I think you should get a second opinion.
[Scoffs.]
They're fine.
- Ahh.
That was great.
- [Sighs.]
You two screw? No.
He looked for a lump in my tit.
- That's weird.
- I-I didn't initiate it.
Well, way to get the most for your money.
I My money? Yeah.
This ain't free, you know.
- What? - Yeah, we got to pay now.
[Scoffs.]
- Thank you, my good woman.
- You are welcome.
- Sexy.
Look at you.
- [Scoffs.]
- Who's the queen of the jungle? - [Chuckles.]
Oh, my goodness.
[Laughs.]
What were you thinking? Well, h-how much is left, man? Do we have enough to get the brooch? We're $200 short.
God damn it, Bobby.
[Sighs.]
Wh-Why are they getting cereal? - They live here.
- What? They're my roommates.
This is ridiculous.
Can I have some of my money back, please? Charity: You got to feel my boob.
That was a diagnosis.
This is insane.
Man, this is the most bullshit night I've ever had.
This isn't being sober.
This is being a lunatic.
And now I probably don't have a place to live.
Don't be like that, Marky Marc.
Charity: Hold on.
- How much do you need? - 200 bucks.
Thanks for listening to me and feeling my tit.
Sure.
Thanks.
Bobby: Where you going, Marc? Come on.
Text me.
Shirley: Good morning, Marc.
Did you have a nice night? Um Look, I gotta go.
I can't live here.
It's too weird, y-y-y-you know? I mean, I-I-I-I mean, you lost your son, and, you know, I have I have mom issues.
And, you know, then then you're you're petting me like I'm some kind of handicapped cat.
I-I-I-I don't I don't know what this is! What i What is it? I mean, do you do you want a new son? Am I here because I'm I'm some total escape from real life? I mean, that's no good for either of us, right? I mean, it's just not simple, Shirley.
I-I-I It's It's It's complicated and weird, and and I need simple.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh.
[Groans.]
What kind of mommy do you want? Okay.
I I got to go.
I got to I-I-I Yeah, I got to go.
You know, my mama told me She said, "Hey" Next Wednesday, Marc moves in with Dave.
- This your house? - Hi, I'm Nina.
Yes, for real.
Don't let the dolls creep you out.
Oh! - Yeah, th-they're - Hey! they're ha they're haunted.
Oh, my God.
"Maron," brand-new, next Wednesday at 9 on IFC and always on demand and on the IFC app.