Ted Lasso (2020) s04e07 Episode Script

1
["UNPRETTY" PLAYING]
[CHILD] Mum? Mum?
Mum?
Yeah?
Where are my shoes?
They're in the shoe basket, darling.
They're always in the shoe basket.
[GRUNTS]
Mummy, would you read this to me?
I can't right now, my darling,
cause I've got to get your
brother ready for school.
But your dad will be here any
minute. He'll read to you, won't he?
I bet he's not coming.
No, don't say that. He wouldn't do
that. And do you know how I know?
Because if he wasn't
coming, he'd have text me.
That's what responsible people do, okay?
- You remember that.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
It's Dad.
He's being responsible.
Shit.
[BOTH] Oh!
[SONG CONTINUES]
Ah, Miss Jay.
[STAMMERS] If this is
about my last exam, I know.
I had a match the night
before in Newcastle.
Ah, yes, your football thing.
No, you've heard of the
internship at McMillan and Parkes?
It's all Oliver talks about. He's
convinced he's going to get it.
Yes. Well, I've encouraged
them to meet you.
Assuming you're interested.
I'll send you the details.
See you tomorrow, 11:00 a.m. sharp.
Shit.
[SONG CONTINUES]
- Hurry up.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Heard you the first few times there.
- Oh, no.
I think it's from the landlord.
Oh, yeah? That's fun.
How can anything from that
gobshite be fun, you curdled yogurt?
I don't know. Maybe it's a fucking
party invitation, you burnt ham.
- Here.
- What?
- Shit.
- Shit.
[GROANS]
Shit.
- I think taking some time apart is good.
- Yeah, definitely.
Wait, you put your
French PhD in your bio?
Oui. It's a dating profile.
I've gotta sell myself.
Well, what did you put?
Under interests you put skiing?
You've never skied in your life.
Yeah, but I'm interested in it.
All right, shall we activate?
[PHONES CHIMING]
- I just matched with you.
- Yeah, same.
- Shit.
- Shit.
- Hey.
- That was fast.
Almost didn't have time
to put my trousers on.
I-I'm glad you did.
Wait, you play for Richmond, don't you?
[STAMMERS] Yeah, yeah, I do.
But you also deliver food?
Welcome to second
division women's football.
Shit.
[MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER]
New year, new you, right?
But it isn't enough to want to
be a better version of yourself.
If you want to open
a new pathway to life,
you have to act, and it all
starts with changing your behavior.
And to do that, you just need three
profound words that
will change your life.
Say "yes" more.
Try it now.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Say again.
- "Yes."
- Yes.
Yes, yes, yes!
Yes, yes, yes!
[SONG ENDS]
Shit.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
[SIGHS, CLICKS TONGUE]
Shoot.
Good morning, Coach.
Did you have a good weekend?
- Yes.
- Ooh!
Sounds like it was a doozy, huh?
- Yes.
- Mmm.
- What's that?
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
Oh. Uh, yeah that.
Um, just a little bit
of self-motivation.
You okay with it in here?
- Yes.
- Mmm. Okay.
Yeah, I mean, it is a little
corny though, isn't it? [CHUCKLES]
- Yes. Oh, I mean no.
- Yeah.
Well, I didn't know where to hang
it so I just put it up there for now.
But yeah. [MUMBLES] I don't know.
Morning, fam.
Morning, Coach.
Good morning, Coach.
You, uh, get a lot
of sleep this weekend?
Is that a new shirt?
I have blue eyes now.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Uh-huh.
Oh, no. They popped out.
- What happened?
- My lens popped out.
- Oh, God.
- I don't know where it is.
- We'll find it.
- Help. [WHIMPERS]
I don't know how.
- Oh.
- [WHIMPERS]
You're trying to tell us that
Dani Rojas wants to leave Richmond?
As his agent, it's my duty to
inform you he is very unhappy here.
Ah, the famously maudlin Dani Rojas?
I literally watch him cartwheel
from his car into this building.
Well, sometimes, it's the most
joyful ones you have to worry about.
- Look at the Joker.
- Not a real person.
Look, I'm not supposed to tell you this,
but a big club has come in
with a big offer for Dani.
We're talking buy a private island
and do weird shit on it kind of money.
- [LAUGHING]
- Which club?
- Uh
- No one's approached us for Dani.
And if they came to you first,
that would be hugely inappropriate.
Which is why I can't
tell you who it was.
Loose lips sink transfers.
Now, I'm not saying he won't
show up for training tomorrow.
[SUCKS TEETH] But if he didn't
[CHUCKLES] I'd hate
for any awkward, uh,
"Rojas weighing options"
headlines to pop up.
- Hmm. Threat noted.
- No, no, no. Not a threat.
Just a gentle premonition.
- Hmm.
- Look, I might be able to talk
Dani down from the ledge if
we can make him feel seen.
And then [CLICKS TONGUE]
if Roy Kent's new deal
lands where it should
- Oh.
- that would send a real message about loyalty.
So now we're getting to it.
This isn't about Dani.
You're trying to bully
us into overpaying
your other Richmond client, Roy.
Two birds, one pay bump.
- Hmm.
- [PHONE RINGS]
Oh! Gotta take this one.
- [REBECCA] Mmm.
- Laters, traitors.
Do I hear the sounds of pounds?
- I can't stand him.
- Neither can I.
Hey, you ever used one of
these dating sites, old buddy?
Old?
I-I'm sorry. I mean, just, buddy.
Oh, yeah. [CLEARS THROAT]
Yeah, um, I downloaded every single
one of them after Zelda's boat party.
Hmm. Oh, yeah. How was that?
- The party?
- Yeah.
It brought forth complete ego
death and yet total resurrection.
Yep, that's exactly how I
feel after I eat Wingstop.
Hey, Coach, you got a
go-to Wingstop flavor?
Yes.
Oh, good.
[CHILTON CLEARS THROAT]
- [EXCLAIMS]
- Will you read this to me?
- Yes.
- [LIZZIE] Archie!
Archie, no, not in here, not
in I am so I am very sorry.
- It's all right.
- My, um,
F-U-C-K-I-N apostrophe
S-H-I-T-B-A-G of an E-X
has left me in the lurch
again because he's
[MOUTHING] a fucking wanker.
So, I've had to bring him in.
I hope that's okay. Is that all right?
Yes.
- Okay, great.
- Yeah, of course.
I appreciate it. Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
That's, um, really kind of you. Thanks.
- "Some pig."
- "Some pig"?
No, that says "believe." Believe.
I'm reading him Charlotte's Web.
He's only four. He's he's
not quite reading yet, bless him.
I was reading when I was two.
You look like a husky.
Right, come on.
Not every sign says, "some pig", okay?
Did he just call me fat?
No, Coach, not at all. It
What is wrong with this thing?
[TED] Hey, Gemma.
Hi, uh, I'm sorry to even ask this.
I'm up for an internship
at this fancy law firm.
Kind of a big deal.
Anyway, I have an interview tomorrow
but it means I'd be late for practice.
- Would it be okay if
- Yes.
Uh, Coach, are you
saying you're okay with
Gemma being late for practice tomorrow?
Yes.
Really?
Yeah. If Coach is cool, we're cool.
- Right?
- So cool.
- Amazing.
- [TED] Mmm.
Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
Good luck. [CHUCKLES]
- New sign?
- Yes.
[GEMMA CLEARS THROAT]
Still not sure that's the right
place for it though, you know?
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Hmm.
[INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING]
Coach Roy!
Oh, that's a nice bit of kit there.
Cheers.
Good that you're taking care of
yourself. Always so important.
Otherwise, what are we?
I don't know.
Beasts, feral beasts.
Great.
[HORN HONKS]
[CHUCKLING] What the fuck
happened to this thing?
None of your business.
[CHUCKLING] He's here.
[SINGSONGY] He's there, he's
every-fucking-where on a jazzy.
On a jazzy! How's the knee?
What do you want?
Yeah, no. Straight to business, love it.
So, I was upstairs with the
brass, played an absolute blinder.
We are gonna get whatever
you want next season.
- Okay.
- You want more money? I got ya.
- You want use of a PJ? I got ya.
- [GRUNTS]
You want an assistant to wax your gooch?
I have got you. [CHUCKLES]
- [GRUNTS]
- [THUDS]
Why don't you have any chairs in here?
So people don't fucking stay.
[CHUCKLING] You're hilarious.
- [KNOCKS ON DOOR]
- Sorry to interrupt.
Hello, love.
I'm out. I'll speak
to you soon, handsome.
[CHUCKLES]
He's kind of a dick, you know?
- Oh, I know.
- Then why do you work with him?
He's a dick, so I don't have to be.
Well, you can be a dick.
Yeah, but that's different.
- What do you need?
- It's official.
Chelsea wants to put you
on their wall of legends.
[GROANS]
Sounds like a pretty big honor.
Sounds like a fucking nightmare.
Roy, I have a lot going on.
Can we just skip the
part where you pretend
a room full of people celebrating you
is the worst fucking thing in the world?
But it is.
It [GROANS]
You are hilarious, aren't you?
- What do you want from me?
- I don't know, maybe a thank you?
All right. Thank you
for making a nightmare.
Wow. What about, "I'll be there"?
Hello, you.
Sorry to interrupt.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, Erin, this is Keeley Jones, our
head of marketing and nightmares.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Hello.
- We-We met in the hospital.
- Yeah.
Not that you'll remember, of course.
Oh, no, I was off my nut.
Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
I'm gonna leave you guys.
Here's your nightmare.
If you have any questions,
give me a shout, yeah?
- It's lovely to see you.
- Bye.
- Cheers, Keeley.
- [EXCLAIMS]
- [WHISPERS] Hello.
- Hello.
Thank you for making a house call.
- I didn't. It's an office.
- Hmm.
How's the knee?
Hmm?
- Better now.
- Good.
What the fuck was her problem?
If what Derrick says is true,
we're in a bit of a pickle.
Oh, Leslie, please, why
would we ever believe him?
That man is full of shit.
Who is full of shit? I hate him already.
[CHUCKLING] Zelda.
- What a nice surprise.
- Yeah. Surprises are wonderful.
You know, surprise
visits, surprise parties,
surprise non-visits at parties.
Right, I am so sorry that
I missed your boat party.
I had every intention of being there.
No, apologize to your team, maybe.
I mean, I think they were
heartbroken you jilted them.
They were. But you never
have to apologize to me.
It's water under the party
boat under the bridge,
and to prove it, I've
just stopped by actually
to give you and Keeley your swag bags.
- Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
- [ZELDA] Here.
Your team left all theirs behind too,
so I donated them all
to a women's shelter.
- Yeah.
- [REBECCA] Oh, right.
Jalapeño-infused cognac.
Yes, it's nicey and spicy.
[CHUCKLES]
A marble spatula.
I will not prepare crab cakes
without one of those now.
Women in the shelter must
have been thrilled.
Yeah, they were.
Well, Julie and I both loved our bags.
Good. Good, yeah,
there was different stuff in the
men's bags and the women's, right?
[HIGGINS] Yes.
Oh, no, that was in all the bags.
Yes, we both got one of those,
but we can't use it unfortunately
because we no longer have a dog.
[SIGHS]
Uh
Well, thank you.
- Good.
- Excellent. [CHUCKLES]
- [STRAINS]
- Actually, I was I was going to
talk to you about me coming
on in a professional capacity.
You know, offering my
services, pro bono, of course.
Um, I don't know, maybe I can help out
with that person that
is a piece of shit.
Well, uh, it would appear we
have an unscrupulous agent
- Ugh.
- in our midst.
My favorite snack.
Tell me all about it. [GRUNTS]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[PLAYERS CHEERING, LAUGHING]
Okay.
Gemma, we cannot teach 2v1 defending
if you keep scoring
on your two defenders.
Let's do 3v1 then.
No, we're not gonna
[CLAPS HANDS]
Yes.
Okay, let's 3v1.
- Let's do that, then. Good.
- [CHUCKLES]
Defenders, three lines.
What are three words you
would use to describe me?
You got any ideas, Arch?
Strong.
Yeah, I got you.
Okay, strong.
You got two more, bud?
Poopy butts.
That is indeed two more words,
and while not exactly
what I'm looking for,
I am sincerely impressed.
- That's Ted tax. All right.
- [CHILTON] Yes.
I'll check you later,
man. Thanks for the help.
Coach, can I train barefoot today?
I think it might help, you know,
like when runners train on sand.
- Yes.
- Coach, can I wear a blindfold?
I wanna be able to sense the
ball instead of having to see it.
Yes.
Coach, should I stand Niamh's position
- to show her how it's actually done?
- Yes.
Take a fucking day
off, for your own sake.
Hey, Coach, you got a sec?
Yes.
So, look, I appreciate
everything I see you doing today,
but I just want to remind
you it's okay to say no.
Heck, if human beings never said "no,"
we'd all have a time-share in Maui
and be members of the Church
of Latter-day Saints, you know?
Or be stuck in a 28-year
gym membership, which I am.
I am just trying to open
a new pathway to life
- [TED] Mm-hmm.
- or, uh, coaching or whatever.
I hear ya. I just think you might need a
little bit more than "yes,"
you know what I mean?
- No.
- Oh, okay.
Well, uh, back in college,
when, you know, Beard and I
were, uh, playing football.
You know, the kind you play with
your hands with the whole that thing.
You know, the spikes and all
that, and the head trauma.
Uh, we had this real
avant-garde head coach.
I mean, this fellow loved
thinking outside the bun.
A-And that's a famous slogan
from a Taco Bell commercial
in the early 21st century and
something he'd totally say, right?
- [BOTH CHUCKLING]
- Old Scooter Bollards.
Anyways, he thought our team's
play style was a little too rigid
and he wanted us to be more
open, so you know what he did?
Humiliated you all in
front of each other?
He had the whole team take
an improv comedy class.
Oh, so the same thing.
And it was in that improv class
that Coach and I
learned a very specific,
powerful phrase that goes like
"Yes and", baby.
What is "Yes and baby"?
Well, the "baby" is just
not it's not really part of it.
- Just my trademark flourish.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, but the idea behind it is that
whatever someone throws
at you, you say yes to it.
You accept it, like you've
been doing out here today.
But then if you want to add
to it, you say "and," right?
So the idea is that
"yes" opens up the door,
but "and," well, that allows
people to walk right on through it.
The art of collaboration,
Sun Tzu's hidden manuscript.
Mmm.
Coach, can we have a water break?
Yes, and
last five back on the
pitch have to run sprints.
[CLAMORING]
[CHILTON] Fuck me.
- I love "Yes and baby."
- [TED] Mm-hmm.
You know, Coach, you can
follow your own advice
and go "and" whatever it is your
mind's been saying yes to today.
Y'all okay with that?
Yes, and we will be fine.
Okay. All right, have at it.
I got my friend to call my
gym and tell them I was dead.
They still charged me for
six months, but it did work.
I love that for you.
That fucking Chelsea
thing's gonna happen.
Keeley's got it all set up.
She's being right moody about it though.
I mean, it's my fucking thing, innit?
Like, her job is handle all the details.
I'm the one that has to
make a dumb fucking speech.
And I'm not even being
difficult about it.
And she knows it's not exactly
my favorite sort of thing to do,
but I am doing it.
She's making it so much
harder than it needs to be.
Also, has she done something
different with her hair?
It's like, she's not
doing me a fucking favor.
- It's her job
- Okay. [SUCKS TEETH]
So these are going to
need changing. Every day.
And I think it's time
we let the scooter go.
Only crutches from now on.
Oh.
But I love Black Beauty.
I can give her a good home.
Black Beauty is a boy.
I don't buy it.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Come in.
- Hey, Keeley.
- Hi, Ted.
- Hello, Trixiebelle. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES] What's going on?
Well, uh, this is a little bit awkward,
but, uh, my New Year's resolution was
to ask someone out on a date, and
Oh, Ted, Ted. I'm flattered,
but I think that
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry.
- Oh. No.
No, no. I I just came
in for a little advice.
- Oh. [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHING]
- Ooh, can you imagine?
- Ooh, I mean, we're coworkers.
- That wouldn't be appropriate, you know.
- [LAUGHING]
Even though it does have a tendency
to happen a lot around here, don't it?
Yeah, it does. [CHUCKLES]
I I'm not sure I'm the best person
to be giving dating advice right now.
Well, you know, I'm just
looking for a little help
setting up my profile on bantr.
- Ooh.
- I-I can't get past one of the questions.
Which one?
The first one.
A-ha.
- I would love to help.
- Great.
You wanna get cozy on the couch?
- Yes, ma'am. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay. Uh, here you go.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
"Describe yourself in three words."
Mm-hmm. Yeah, so right
there, right off the bat.
You know, anything that pops in
my head just feels, uh, obnoxious,
like I'm tooting my own horn.
Sure, like you're riding
the self-centered express?
Exactly, and it's going,
"Toot, toot, all aboard.
Next stop, Me-York City."
And it's just, it feels like
I'm bragging, and I don't know.
No, I get it. Why don't
we come back to that one?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, let's start with something easier.
- Okay.
- Are you currently employed?
- No.
- Yeah
Ted, you're a coach!
Yeah, but I always felt
that if you do what you love,
you never work a day in your life, so
That's really lovely.
- But I think we should go with "Yes."
- You're the expert.
- Height?
- 6'1" or 900 centimeters, I don't know.
- Location?
- I mean, that changes all the time.
I'd hate to mislead anyone.
- Can you just put "Here"?
- Pronouns?
I'm pronouns, pro-verbs, pro anything
that helps you get your point across.
- [KEELEY] Sexual orientation?
- [TED] Mmm.
Probably the three standard positions.
Ethnicity?
- White as heck.
- [CHUCKLES]
But I have been told by buddies that
I played ball with back in college
that I have a standing
invite to the cookout.
- Education level.
- Mmm. Ongoing.
[KEELEY] "Company/industry."
I've never seen Industry,
but I saw a great
production of Company once.
Really knocked my socks off,
and it's tough to beat Sondheim.
Do you want or have children?
I do have a child. His name is Henry.
He is 12, and yes, I do want him.
Do you smoke, drink, or do drugs?
Well, I've smoked cigarettes
four times in my life,
- dipped tobacco once.
- Oh.
Uh, I do drink,
and the only drugs I've done
have come from the Earth,
although they have afforded me the
opportunity to go well beyond it.
- Zodiac sign?
- I guess my sign would say,
"You must see this movie."
[KEELEY] Pet peeves?
That we get to choose them and they
don't have a say in the matter, I guess.
- Typical Sunday?
- Similar to a Good Friday,
but without anybody getting
murdered by the government.
- My most controversial opinion?
- Nice try.
The one thing you
should know about me is?
That I am more than one thing.
Believe it or not, I
I'm walking on air ♪
I never thought I could feel so free ♪
Flying away on a wing and a prayer ♪
Who could it be? ♪
Believe it or not, it's just ♪
- Do you like to run?
- Only when being chased.
What is your attachment style?
USB-C.
Three favorite emojis are?
Fingers crossed.
Uh, this guy right here.
And probably this guy.
The world would be better with more?
Female US presidents.
Best piece of advice you ever received?
- Duck.
- The quickest way to my heart.
Directly through my
sternum. You know, just, bam.
Are you more rational or emotional?
Oh, definitely rational.
- Okay.
- [CRYING]
Hey, this is supposed to be fun, Ted.
- It is fun. I'm sorry, but
- Okay.
- [CRYING] I am just, like
- Whoa.
Come on, having a good time.
This is great.
I really appreciate your help.
[HIGGINS] You sure
you can pull this off?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. As long
as there's no surprises,
we just got to stay
cool, calm and collected.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right?
- Sure.
- Let's rock.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- [LINE RINGING]
Oh, shit, shit, shit, I've
gotta have an assistant.
- What? Oh, no. No, no, no.
- Be my assistant. Gotta be American.
[DERRICK] DT Sports, talk to me.
Hello?
[AMERICAN ACCENT] Mr.
Tarp, it's Crystal.
Crystal Christopher.
Calling from Chicago Fire
FC. How are you today, sir?
It's USA [CHUCKLING] home
of the dollar sign. I am listening.
[CHUCKLES]
So, I'm calling from the office of
our player recruitment officer
[WHISPERS] Call me, uh, Dolly.
Dolly Parton berg.
Please hold.
- [WHISPERS] Do some hold music. Hold it.
- [STAMMERS]
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ♪
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ♪
[BOTH VOCALIZING]
Please continue to hold.
Your call is important to us.
One of our operators will be
with you as soon as possible.
[VOCALIZING STOPS]
[IN CHICAGO ACCENT] Derrick
Tarp, you son of a bitch.
I haven't heard your name since
the Panama Papers came out.
How ya doin'?
Dolly Partonberg?
It's been ages, sugar tits.
I've missed you. [CHUCKLING]
- Okay, here's the 411, you cocksucker.
- [CHUCKLES]
What's it gonna take to get Dani
Rojas in the Windy City next year?
We know he's under contract to
What is it? Uh, AFC Richfield?
- Richmond.
- Oh, yeah, Richmond.
Duh, Dolly, that's next
to Wimpleton, right?
Well, I'm sure Dani would love
to hear what you have to say.
Fuck yeah, bro.
But, hey, we don't want
to step on anyone's toes.
So, you know, if there's any other teams
in the, uh, English League
that are after him, you know,
we're not going to get in the way.
You don't know anybody
over here, I take it?
Just Guy Ritchie.
His work, I mean.
'Cause you should know we did
get an offer from Newcastle.
[MOUTHING] I fucking knew it.
Newcastle?
Hey, I thought you guys only
had old castles over there.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLING]
Yeah, no, they're like the Chicago
- of the northeast.
- Okay, talk later. Okay, bye.
Wait, we only just started
talking. What are you talking
- [EXCLAIMS]
- [GROANING] God.
Hey. The director of football
at Newcastle used to be at City,
and he plays clarinet
- for the Directors of Beboperations.
- [LINE RINGING]
Excellent, Leslie.
- Leslie, how's it swinging, Daddy-o?
- [CLEARS THROAT] Actually, Vinai
I'm-I'm with some colleagues.
This is a work call.
Apologies for my liberal
use of jazz speak.
[CLEARS THROAT] Of
course. How can I help you?
Vinai? Hello, there.
Did you reach out to Dani Rojas's
agent without consulting us first?
I would never do such a thing,
and I resent the insinuation.
Wow. Derrick Tarp wasn't insinuating
[NORMAL] I don't have
to do this voice anymore.
Derrick Tarp wasn't insinuating,
he was practically just declaring.
Then he's a liar, a liar.
I will report him to the FA immediately.
Thanks, cool cat. That's a relief.
Meow.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Wow. Great work, guys.
[CHILTON] All right, let's
move on to our seven a side.
First 11 and subs. Let's go.
And, Gemma, I need you
to focus on the left wing.
You practically ignored
it in the last match.
Got it?
Got it.
Coach, can I get in on this?
Yes.
And remember, you know what to do.
So don't overthink it.
Be quick, don't hurry, and
attack without hesitation.
- Got it?
- Absolutely, Coach.
All right. Prove it.
All right, play from Boots.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Get ready.
[PLAYERS CLAMORING]
Guys! Guys!
Go on then.
- Whoa! Whoa!
- [PLAYERS CHEER]
- Nice.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oi. You're making me look bad. Easy.
- [CHUCKLES]
[LIZZIE] Easy. That was good though.
Shannon pass was a little
late, but perfect decision.
Julia in for Shannon.
[CHUCKLES]
Nice job.
"And I think it'd be real neat if
I found a gal who likes show tunes.
But not all of them, of course.
Only the bangers, and"
Um, then we reached the
character limit that you can use
to keep describing your ideal partner.
Did you spell show tunes with one word?
Uh, yeah, I did.
Shoot.
You know what, I'm starting to
think I may skew a bit loquacious.
I think you could make some trims.
Then I shall take the time
to write a shorter letter.
Great.
And when you're done, all that's left
is to describe yourself in three words.
Click activate.
And off you go.
- Great.
- [GIGGLES]
Thank you, Keeley. I
really appreciate your help.
Oh, it's been my pleasure.
- Well, let me get out of your hair.
- Okay. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, Ted, remember, when you're
thinking about those three words,
loving yourself isn't the same
as bragging about yourself.
Hmm. [CHUCKLES]
Hopeful, resilient and kind.
I mean
those are the perfect
words to describe you.
No, I was describing you.
[SIGHS]
Keep your head up, Keeley,
and your heart open.
[CHUCKLES]
Shitty men.
Sometimes I pity them.
- Why?
- Because they're scorpions.
They're just scorpions who
invite innocent, gullible frogs
to take them across the river, and
then they just sting them anyway.
And they all drown, you know.
'Cause that's what they
do, the dumb pricks.
Bless 'em. [CHUCKLES]
They're scorpions.
Are we the frogs in this parable?
Until we realize we don't have to be.
Well, I would rather build a bridge
than have to carry a scorpion.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Hmm.
Hmm. [EXHALES DEEPLY]
That's round, isn't it?
- Mmm. Yeah.
- Ooh, my nose.
- It worked!
- What worked?
Just got this from Derrick.
"On second thought,
don't worry about Dani.
He's happier than he looks,
and Roy won't be a problem."
- [BOTH GASP, EXCLAIM]
- Success!
- And fast!
- [CHUCKLES]
[CHICAGO ACCENT] That's what
we freaking do. Da Bears.
I don't know what that means.
But Zelda Southport,
I hereby offer you the official title
of Special Adviser here at AFC Richmond.
- [ZELDA GASPS]
- Whoa.
Oh, you can call me whatever
you want, Rebecca Welton.
You keep building those bridges,
and I'll keep guarding them.
Wow [APPLAUDING]
this is great news.
- [CHUCKLES]
- What news?
Zelda has just accepted an
official role here at the club.
- That's amazing! Welcome!
- [CHUCKLES]
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- [CHUCKLES]
Are you guys okay?
It's the jalapeño, isn't it? Yeah.
It's so strong.
- [EXCLAIMS, SUCKS TEETH] Quite nice.
- [GROANS] It's painful!
- I'm in pain.
- Oh no.
- Gotta get it out [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- [GROANS] Okay.
If I drink some more
it might help actually.
Yeah, let's drink some more. Mmm.
[GRUNTS] No, no, no. It's worse.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.
- You should have some. It's good.
- Have some.
[BOTH] No.
- [CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ROY SIGHS]
This is nice, isn't it?
Just the three of us.
- You can go now.
- Absolutely.
- Right, well, my work here is done.
- Thank you.
You and your frighteningly keen physio
can get you back up and running again.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
- This is goodbye.
- Right.
Wait, what?
Look, I can fix your knee.
But I can't fix your heart.
And I have this hunch that if
I stick around here any longer,
you're gonna end up breaking mine.
What are you talking about?
I don't wanna hurt you, I like you.
I like you.
But you're in love with someone else.
[CHUCKLING] What?
That
That's
F-Fuck.
[CHUCKLES]
Look, there is I
just One question.
- Um, why?
- Why what?
Well, why-why did this happen?
- What? Us?
- Mm-hmm.
Well [SIGHS]
Keeley You know who Keeley is?
Yes, yeah, I know Keeley.
She wanted me to date other women.
Why?
She said that I needed to
learn to fully see someone
and to let them fully see me.
For real.
What? So-So I was just part
of some experiment then?
No, you were not part of my plan.
My plan was date a bunch
of women real quick,
nothing happens, no feelings,
- get out and tell her I've done it.
- [CHUCKLES]
But then I met you.
Mmm. I wasn't enough.
Are you kidding me?
You're a fucking captain.
[CHUCKLES]
Is that an insult?
No. [CHUCKLES]
All right, look,
on a football team,
captain has three jobs.
Make sure everyone's heading
towards the same goal.
Stand up for what's right.
And put the well-being
of others before yourself.
Mmm.
You have to be able to hold the center.
The way you are with your patients,
the way you are with your friends,
the way you've been with me
You're a captain.
[CHUCKLES]
I see you.
I see you too.
And I need you to know,
you are so worthy of being
with the person that you love.
[SNIFFLES]
Goodbye, Coach Kent.
Thank you, Dr. Beaumont.
It's my pleasure.
[CHUCKLES]
[TRILLS LIPS] I thought
she'd never leave.
You and I need to have
a chat about boundaries.
I'm gonna give you a minute.
[VEHICLE BEEPING]
[MUTTERS]
- [CHUCKLES] Have a lovely day, Keeley.
- Yeah, you too.
[CHUCKLES]
[COACH BEARD] "Charlotte stopped.
A moment later, a tear
came to Wilbur's eye.
'Oh, Charlotte, ' he said.
'To think that when I first met you,
I thought you were
cruel and bloodthirsty.'
When he recovered from his
emotions, he spoke again.
'Why did you do all
this for me?' He asked.
'I don't deserve it. I have
never done anything for you.'
'You have been my friend,
' replied Charlotte.
[SHAKILY] 'That in itself
is a tremendous thing.'"
[BREATHING SHAKILY]
Pull it together, man.
[COACH BEARD BREATHES SHAKILY]
Thanks, man.
Hey, Coach. Where's the sign?
[EXHALES SHARPLY, CLEARS THROAT]
"I wove my webs for
you because I liked you.
After all, what's a life anyway?
We're born, we live a
little while, we die."
Hey, Coach, what is that?
It is a sign that says, "Believe."
Uh I don't get it.
Uh, well, there's nothing to get.
Just, um, believe.
- [MADY] In what?
- [PLAYER] That's it?
That's all we're getting?
Hey, Ted,
look, I don't mean to be a dick, but
I think we already believe enough.
[CHUCKLES] We wouldn't be playing
for a second division football club
getting paid peanuts
if we didn't believe.
Right. No, I get you.
- [MARGY] Yeah.
- Well, she's got a point, gaffer.
I mean, it's a very nice idea,
but "believe" isn't gonna help me
when I need someone
to look after the kids
while I'm here and training
with you lot, is it?
- No, of course.
- Oh, speaking of.
[CHEERS]
Yeah, believing is not gonna
get me six extra hours a day
so I can play football and go to school.
- No, it is not.
- [BOOTS] Nope.
I'd love to believe that the landlord
isn't going to raise our rent, but
Believe me, that rat
bastard's gonna do it.
- Language. There's a kid.
- [PLAYERS CHUCKLING]
- I'm sorry.
- [BOOTS] No, I get it. I get it.
Yeah, I just have to believe
that my car will fix itself
or or just believe
that a lovely millionaire
- will come along and buy me a Porsche.
- [PLAYERS CHEERING]
[ALL CLAMORING]
That'd be nice, right?
Hey, Ted, isn't the "Believe" sign
in the men's locker room as well?
Uh, yeah, no, they got one in there.
- Why?
- Yeah, they've had one for a while.
I feel like there should be a
differentiation between the two.
- [SIOBHAN] It's a hand-me-down.
- Is that the same one?
Or did we get a new one?
[CLAMORING]
[NIAMH] You can't
copy and paste it, man.
Alice, you know, the men
already have one of those signs.
Do we really need one too?
Yes, and we just have
to make it our own.
- "And win."
- What the fuck?
[GASPS, CHUCKLES]
- Can you say say that again for Mummy?
- And win.
[PLAYERS CHUCKLE, CLAMORING]
He's-He's read that.
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- You can read!
- [BOOTS] You're a genius!
- [EXCLAIMS]
- Oh, my God!
[PLAYERS CHANTING] Believe and win!
Believe and win!
- Believe and win!
- [EXCLAIMS]
Believe and win! Believe and win!
Believe and win!
[PLAYERS CHANTING, CHEERING]
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
[SIGHS]
[TED WHISTLING]
[WHISTLING]
Oi! Can you please stop doing that?
It's you.
Hey, how you doing?
- Yeah, I'm, uh I'm good. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
You do realize that it's still
bad luck to whistle in a theater?
No, I Yeah, I
apologize. I-I do remember.
Uh, it just you know,
the first time we met,
I never got your name.
So I thought the easiest way to get
your attention might be to, uh
To call for me like a dog?
Mmm. Didn't think of it that way.
You know what? I'm sorry about that.
- No, I'm messing with you.
- Oh.
- I'm messing with you.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
Did you, uh Did you see the play?
Uh, no, not tonight, no.
Uh, but a little boy playing
King Lear sounds very interesting.
He's actually 35.
Is he? I'll be darned.
- Well, still younger than most, right?
- Mm-mmm.
Um, no, I'm
Came here to see you.
- Oh. Right.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I was, um
I was wondering if [CLEARS THROAT]
I was wondering if, uh,
perhaps you would be, um
well, if you'd like to go out
on a date with me sometime.
[STAMMERS] I, um [SIGHS]
I've I've just started
seeing someone, so
Oh, great. That's good.
Hey, a lot of good folks
out there, you know.
Nice to know people are still
bumping into each other and, you know.
[LAUGHS] Well, we we met on the apps.
Oh, nice.
But, um, if I was single, I would
yeah, I-I would definitely
go on a date with you.
All right.
- I better go back to work. [CHUCKLES]
- Okay, yeah, sure, I get it.
It was nice to see you again, Ted.
Nice to see you too. [STAMMERS]
Shit.
["SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY" PLAYING]