Resident Alien (2021) s04e08 Episode Script
Mine Town
1
[DRAMATIC TONE]
[GRUNTS]
Previously on "Resident Alien"
[LAUGHING]
Welcome, again, to my podcast,
where I will discuss the search
for Peter Bach's son, Robert.
Good work, deputy.
This alien stuff, it's all connected.
[GUNSHOT]
The Mantid might still be alive.
You can't kill me, but I can kill you.
And how's little Leroy?
Starting to kick like
a little fancy dancer.
I decided to stop drinking,
and I found an AA meeting.
So now that the baby
is safe, I want to tell
Ben and Kate the truth.
You killed your own dad to save me.
Don't make it weird.
[GRUNTS]
[BABY COOS]
What the
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
Hey.
Looks like I got to pack up.
♪
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
You comfortable in there?
Sorry, Jules, you can't come with me.
But you've been such a good host.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[GROANING]
♪
[BLUES MUSIC]
♪
Humans do not like change.
They find comfort in their
lives staying the same.
I think for humans, seeing
your son hugging an alien
does not count as comfort.
[SIGHS]
Could you please cover up the
dead alien statue father thing?
It's making me want to barf.
Do not disrespect my dead
father, who I just murdered.
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
Thank you for turning
back into a human.
That was a lot.
It was easy.
It was like putting on a coat,
one with broad shoulders, great hair,
and nipples like Spanish doubloons.
Well, thanks for ruining
history and nipples for us.
So now, you know I am an alien.
[LAUGHS] And we are not too different.
Now get out.
I need to break up
my father into pieces,
turn him into a rock
garden by the lake.
Not so fast.
We still have a few questions.
So you really went to space?
Was it neat?
Did you did you
learn anything, or
it seems like a question
you could ask on the way home.
And why are you asking him like he
just went on some school trip?
He left the planet.
I was only up there
for, like, 10 minutes.
And then when I got back,
I grew a beard because I
- touched one of Harry's balls.
- I knew it.
What?
[BABY CRYING]
Metal spheres.
It's alien technology from my planet
to assist me if I got lost.
And did you say, I knew it?
Do you think I'm scrotum-ing your son?
I'm no freak.
I like birds.
[SQUEALS]
What the hell is that thing?
This is my son!
I don't call your son a thing.
He calls me a shaved squirrel,
pinky, mouse baby, maxi pad.
[SNICKERS]
- [SQUEALS]
- No more screen time!
What the hell is happening?
There's there's little aliens?
Mm-hmm.
There's praying mantis aliens
- why not?
- On earth?
How could you keep this all a secret?
Yeah.
Buddy, you didn't think
to tell us that the town
doctor is an alien?
You know, he prescribes Adderall,
but sometimes won't.
I did tell you.
You told me I was broken and
wanted to send me to a school
in Georgia for special kids.
I mean, it was a nice school.
Mm-hmm.
They they had horses.
They did.
Does anybody want coffee?
Dinglebutt?
Oh, I call him that, too.
[LAUGHS]
Lena, it's me.
I was right about Jules
being an alien, ok?
So could you just give me a
call when you get this message?
And just know I'm pretty
sure Cletus is farting
because he misses you, ok?
[FARTS]
[SIGHS]
Did you get a hold of her?
Well, she thinks I'm crazy.
I mean, [LAUGHS] I sit in a car
for hours, stalking a woman.
She goes out for a cigarette,
I put a bullet through her,
and I'm the crazy one?
[LAUGHS]
I'm still trying
to process that I had drinks
with a Mantid,
and she stuck me with the bill.
What a b-i-t-c-h. You know what?
She's a murderer.
I'll just say bitch.
[PANTING]
[FARTS]
- [BARKS]
- Oh.
Did you you send
a car over to Lena's?
Yeah, they're keeping an eye on her.
They also searched Jules'
house, found nothing.
She's gone.
We got to put a stop to this thing.
Old mining days starts
the day after tomorrow.
It sounds like this Mantid's planning
on turning it
into an all-you-can-eat buffet,
with me as a side dish.
I'm no damn floppy broccolini.
Hell, I'm a fully loaded baked
potato, with extra bacon.
Damn.
Now I'm hungry for something
as delicious as myself.
So you lied when you said
that Harry wasn't an alien.
He wasn't an alien then.
My life has been a roller coaster.
Hi.
We need to talk.
Why do humans have
so many knock-knock jokes
if they never knock, knock?
We saw your car outside.
You guys just hanging out?
That's us.
We're the family who hangs
out with the town doctor,
who happens to be an alien.
Remember your therapy.
Go to your happy place.
They saw Max hugging
me in my alien form
after I killed my father.
His corpse is under that blanket.
I got my alien energy back
after the tube fell out
of his crotch and it broke.
[LAUGHS]
Big day.
Normally, that would
be a lot to take in,
but it's disturbing how not
disturbing all that sounds.
Hmm.
Well, you know what's really
disturbing, is the fact
that this whole time, the two of you
have known about our baby
and you didn't tell us.
That's why we're here.
We decided to finally
tell you guys everything.
We just came to tell Harry first.
But you're already here, and he told
you, so two birds, one stone.
You really expect me to believe that?
Keeping this a secret from you, Kate,
has been torture for me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that lying
to us about our baby
has been so tough for you.
What can I do to ease your pain?
Hey, hey, look, I know
this is all really upsetting,
but D'Arcy's been through a lot lately.
It's ok.
It's all right.
I'm sober now.
You're sober?
Well, that's great.
Yeah, thanks.
I've been going to aa, so
oh, I'm sorry, I
just thought you meant
you were sober right now.
So you assume I'm always drunk.
Your coffee mug says wine time.
- That was a gift from you.
- Oh, yeah.
Why would I leave Patience to see
the world when I have all the
excitement I need right here?
[LAUGHS]
I know you're mad, but we were
just trying to protect Daisy.
You named our baby?
You were planning on leaving
Patience without telling me?
What? Oh, no.
It's just something my dad brought up.
Look, Ben, Kate, I'm sorry, ok?
I swear we were going to tell
you guys, but it wasn't safe.
The Greys were watching you, ok?
And Harry said
yes, of course.
Harry, who, apparently, is an
alien, making decisions like he
knows what's best for our family.
Well, guess what. He doesn't.
Harry is the one who
convinced the Greys
to leave your baby alone.
He literally put himself
up as collateral.
And he killed his
own father to save me.
And I ruined a perfectly
good fireplace poker doing it.
Well, despite your many sacrifices,
I would really appreciate
if you would leave
my family alone from now on.
You are in my house.
I mean it, ok?
Hey, why don't we call sheriff Mike?
We'll see what he thinks about it.
You cannot tell anyone,
especially Mike and Liv.
Harry's trying to stop the Mantid.
The last thing he needs is
Mike and Liv slowing him down.
Sorry. No, I cannot lie to Mike.
He always knows.
I won't be able to look him in the eye.
I would poke your eyes out,
but my fireplace poker
is stuck in my dead father.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
Ben, hey.
We need to talk.
♪
Eek!
Didn't you hear me?
- I said we need to talk.
- Mm.
Last night, I came face
to face with the Mantid.
Hmm.
I think it can read
minds and shapeshift.
And guess who has shapeshifted into?
Jules Gardner.
I knew it.
You know, I knew the second
she stole my girlfriend,
she was a monster.
No, no, this isn't Jules.
This is the Mantid.
The real Jules is probably dead.
Yeah, well, we all make choices.
What's going on with you, huh?
Why you, uh, keep looking away from me?
Uh, don't know what
you're talking about.
Nothing's going on.
Ok, so if nothing's wrong,
then why can't you look
me in my eyes and say that?
I don't want to take
advantage of the power dynamic.
Well, [CHUCKLES] There
can't be any power dynamics
when there's no dynamics.
It's just power, and it belongs to me.
I radiate power.
You're just a figurehead.
[CHUCKLES] Wrong, you know?
I approve budgets, make proclamations.
I am the last word in who wins
the chili cook-off every year.
And I came up with the new town
motto, small town, big hearts.
You know, I pretty much run this town.
Good.
Then cancel old mining days.
Huh?
What?
That's impossible.
Every hotel in town is booked.
Including the one where
the Mantid ate the guy's head?
I'd have to petition the town council,
and they don't meet until next week.
But come on.
Hang on here.
You know, as as mayor, I will
use every weapon in my arsenal
to protect the townspeople.
Ok, so just the megaphone
and the oversized gavel you
use to call meetings to order.
It's not oversize.
It's proportional to the gavel block.
Sure it is.
Well, let's just hope the new
town motto doesn't become,
small town, overcrowded cemetery.
Well, it wouldn't because
the town slogan is up to me.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
Humans should not be afraid of change.
They need to learn how to adapt,
like I did when I lost my alien energy
and that time the diner ran out of pie.
I did not cry about it.
I just followed the man who ordered
the last piece and left
a note on his card that said,
"pie pig."
♪
[LAUGHS]
Whoa.
What is all this?
Your father was right.
We should see the world.
Here are some cities we can move
to after we leave Patience.
New York City, Detroit, New Haven.
Oh, ok.
Are you just listing pizza cities?
Chicago, deep dish.
Oh, Harry.
I told you.
My dad just brought it up.
I'm not leaving Patience.
And if I did, I'd go alone.
Alone.
How could you go without me?
If I went to my home planet,
I would bring you with me.
Then I'd die because I
need oxygen to breathe.
But we would be together.
I take it back.
I hate change.
♪
I've got some juice you're
going to want to squeeze.
Mike said the Mantid revealed itself
to him, one Jules Gardner.
This is bad.
If the Mantid thinks its
identity has been discovered,
it will look for a new host.
I will need your help.
Well, I thought you might say that.
You know, as mayor
of this little hamlet,
I do have the ability
to get things done.
I do not need a shopping center opened.
I meant Max.
I need someone who can see aliens.
Max is a no-go.
You don't need him.
I have my own skill set.
Like what?
I can solve a rubik's cube
in under two minutes.
You are useless to me.
♪
I want Max.
He is my son, and he is off limits.
Ha, ha, ha!
This is classic bravado.
It's a defense mechanism
to mask the fear of being
powerless as a parent.
No.
Don't don't psychoanalyze
me anymore, ok?
You're not even a real
doctor, which by the way,
I will be expecting
a refund for all the times
that I paid you for therapy.
If you do not let me use Max, I
will tell your wife about
your creepy sex dream
with that ancient woman
in your office, Debra.
That wasn't a sex dream.
I was naked, but she had clothes on.
What was the whole thing
about all those moles?
You said she looked like
a chocolate chip cookie,
and you were hungry.
That's why you got out the milk.
You're a weird, sick, little man.
What about doctor-patient
confidentiality?
You just said that I
wasn't a real doctor.
You're not.
So you can forget about Max.
I will not let you use
my son to help you hunt
down some dangerous Mantid.
This refusal shows growth.
You're finally starting
to assert yourself.
I mean, this is incredible progress.
Well, thanks.
Just pay on the way out.
♪
[LAUGHS]
♪
Well, look at that.
Sir, you might want to see this.
I took this with a trail cam I set up
in the Mantid feeding ground.
What is Asta doing
in the middle of nowhere?
And who is she with?
If the Mantid has been active
there, then whoever it is,
it looks like they're
trying to cover it up.
Yeah, that doesn't
make any sense, though.
Why would Asta want
to help that monster?
Maybe it's not about
helping the Mantid.
Maybe she's trying to protect
whoever that is with her.
Protect them from what, though?
From being exposed,
because they're not human?
So then who is this non-human?
[EERIE MUSIC]
[SIGHS] Hi.
What can I get you, sailor?
Remember, just because I'm not drinking
doesn't mean you can't.
Somebody's got to keep
this place in business.
Hmm.
No, I'm good.
I just need a break from Harry, who
keeps freaking out about
this idea of me leaving town.
[SNORTS] Oh.
Why?
It's not like you're actually leaving.
I know.
It's stupid.
Totally.
[SOFT MUSIC]
But why is it stupid?
Because you belong here, you know?
And every time I went away,
the one thing I always knew
was that you'd be here when I got back.
You're the constant.
Yep, that's me.
But, you know, if I left, it's not
like things would fall apart.
Life would go on.
Wait.
Are you are you actually
considering leaving, like
like for real?
No, I'm not saying I'm doing it.
It's just I don't know.
Sometimes I wonder
what else is out there.
♪
Oh, no, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, please.
Oh, I'm not going anywhere, I promise.
Oh, God. Babe, I'm sorry.
[CRIES]
I mean it, D'Arce.
I'm not leaving.
[CRIES] Ok.
Ok.
[CRYING]
Oh.
♪
I know ♪
Mr. Know-it-all ♪
Oh, Harry.
What can I get you?
Nothing.
I refuse to eat anything from
someone who suggested that Asta
should leave Patience.
Too bad, because a fresh apple pie
just came out of the oven.
I don't care.
Ok.
Picked up the store ♪
I got your note.
Next time, maybe don't
leave an envelope that reads
"top secret" in my mailbox?
Ok, ok.
I need Max's help to kill the Mantid,
so you have to invite him
to the festival tomorrow.
No can do.
Since his parents found out about you,
they barely let him out of their sight.
Well, he can sneak out.
Tell him that now, you like
him as more than a friend.
Do you have something
else you could wear,
something that says, I feel silly?
That is a vile scenario.
And you don't need Max.
I've been working on an
all-organic halal manticide.
Here's the formula.
I am so happy to have
my alien energy back.
Without it, I would not understand this
and would have to admit that headscarf
girl is smarter than me.
[SOFT MUSIC]
[MUTTERING]
Are you ok?
Huh?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Just [MUMBLES]
This is not bad.
With a few added elements,
I can make this work.
Since Asta's on break, we respectfully
wait for her in her office.
While we rifle through her
shit, looking for clues.
♪
Look at this.
"Dear Asta, please accept
these earth flowers
"as a token of my undying love.
Sinsreely, Joseph."
Asta's the one Joseph was in love with.
First, she's burying shit where
the Mantid's tromping around.
Now she's dating an alien?
That's sus, with a capital
s and a little s.
What are you doing in my office?
How about we ask the questions?
We saw you on a trail cam
with someone up in the woods,
and you were both carrying shovels.
It's not a question.
That's a statement.
And we found this card from Joseph,
who we are investigating.
Not to nitpick,
but again, not a question.
I have no clue who this "Joseph" is.
Isn't that the hot cop
that proposed to you?
So it's you and Joseph in the picture.
I guess I'm going to have to do
the heavy lifting around here.
Is this you and Joseph in this
picture, question mark?
Fine, yes, that's Joseph with me.
What were you doing with shovels?
Starting a community garden.
What were you growing?
Radishes.
Ok, that tracks.
You can grow radishes
in Colorado in April.
You use miracle-gro?
Compost.
It's organic and better
for root vegetables.
That's a good tip.
See, what I do is I bury
a dead fish in the dirt.
I learned that from a "snoopy"
Thanksgiving special.
Maybe you can discuss
gardening tips later,
question mark.
I hope you're telling the truth,
not just because we're friends,
but because we're cops.
♪
Do you believe her?
Oh, absolutely.
Radishes are cool season crops.
They can tolerate a light frost.
No, not about that.
About Joseph.
Absolutely not.
She was way too quick
to throw him under the bus.
She's covering for another non-human.
But who?
Someone who's been here for a while,
someone she spends all her time with.
[SIGHS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Remember way back when Max said
the new town doctor is
an alien and you threatened
to throw him in jail?
♪
Son of a bitch.
[SIGHS]
It's the new doctor.
He's an alien.
Son of a bigger bitch.
♪
Hot damn, I can't
believe all this time,
it was right under our noses.
Deputy, take a big whiff.
That is the smell of success.
[INHALES] Or it's just the sharpie ink.
That, too.
We should probably open a window.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
D'Arcy.
Can I come in?
Yeah
[SIGHS] I won't be long.
It's ok.
I just put Bella down.
Bella?
You named her.
Yeah.
Isabella Rose.
It was my grandmother's name.
Oh, it's beautiful.
It's way better than Daisy.
[SCOFFS] I mean, who's
named Daisy these days?
My aunt's dog.
Love that.
So much better for a dog
than a spaceship baby.
Keeping Bella a secret
it was to protect you and her, I swear.
But that doesn't make it right.
And I
look, the other night was a lot.
I was overwhelmed and hurt,
but I know that you were put
in an impossible situation.
♪
You're my friend, and I know that we're
going to get through this.
Yeah.
Oh, I have something to show you.
- Ok.
- Ok.
♪
That's her first smile.
That's me giving her a bath.
That's her pulling my hair.
She loves red.
I don't know what it is.
That is her laughing when she farted.
[LAUGHS]
Or maybe it's when I
farted, I don't know.
The point is she knows
that farting is funny.
Um, you know what?
I actually have some stuff to do today,
so now maybe isn't the best time.
What just happened?
Did I do something wrong?
Nope, I just don't want
to do this right now.
I thought we were good.
This isn't about you.
Well, everything was fine,
and now you're upset.
So obviously, it's about me.
[SIGHS]
Well is this because you can tell
I think Bella's a dumb name?
[SIGHS] Look.
I'm just sad about everything
I missed, ok?
And I don't I don't have it in me
to make you feel better
about yourself right now,
so please just go.
[SCOFFS]
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
Chemistry is the science of change.
Add or subtract just one ingredient,
and everything can
spiral out of control.
Friendships are no different.
Asta leaving Patience
would act as a catalyst,
rapidly destabilizing
the balance of our bond,
much like this formula,
which might explode.
I should probably move the snacks.
Harry!
Harry.
Mike and Liv were just at the clinic.
They saw us on a trail cam
while we were going
over to dig up the Mantid.
Your face was blocked in the
picture, so I covered for you,
but it's only a matter of time
before they figure it out.
I do not need your help,
and it's ok if you leave town.
I don't care because I've
replaced you with a new friend.
Little Asta, could you
hand me that beaker?
Thanks.
We're not friends.
We're just partners in a joint venture.
I'm not leaving Patience, ok?
I've got Jay, you know,
and D'Arcy and my dad.
My life is here.
I heard a lot of names, not mine.
That's ok, because I
have little Asta now.
She's younger than you,
so statistically,
she will live longer than old Asta.
Fine.
Have fun with little Asta.
Sorry. It's not about you.
You think I don't know that?
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Hi, I'm Robert.
I'm Peter Bach's son.
I know.
I heard your podcast.
Didn't expect to hear my name.
Since my dad died, I didn't
expect anyone to be looking.
You better sit down.
There's something you need to know.
Your father is alive.
No, no, that's that's not possible.
I I saw him die.
Well, the government revived him.
Like CPR or
more like Frankenstein?
[SCOFFS] I can't contact him,
but the moment I hear from him,
I'll tell him you're here.
He'll be thrilled.
[SIGHS]
Hoo, that's that's incredible.
Until then, can you put me in jail?
What?
Why would you want that?
[WHISPERING] I think
someone's following me.
I know you've been through a lot,
but I promise I'll keep you safe.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
All I can eat?
Challenge accepted.
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
Mark, alcoholic.
Thank you, Dina,
for inviting me to share.
My sobriety date is June 24, 1997.
I have a sponsor.
I also sponsor other people.
And most importantly, I have a
higher power, which I call God.
We all know the ups and the downs.
Drugs and alcohol nearly
took everything from me.
But now I can look in the
mirror and say, I love you.
I'm proud of you.
And just last night, I went to bed.
No debating on whether
I wanted to live or not.
Just went to sleep like a person.
I saw someone blow through a
stop sign, and I got so angry.
And then it hit me
I used to do that.
I'd drive drunk with my kid
in the back seat all the time.
Casey.
I was the best skier in my school.
I had sponsorships, all of it.
I got kicked off the team.
I lost my scholarship,
and I had to come here.
I get that I need to stay sober.
I get that it's my fault.
But what if I stay sober
and I never get back to where I was?
Sunny, alcoholic.
11 years next week.
Whoo!
[APPLAUSE]
I got a new sponsee recently,
and we really hit it off.
I thought we had a good
thing going, talking,
meeting up, checking in.
But then she went out.
So I called her and left a message.
Nothing.
Now, the old me would have gone
over there and tried to fix it,
to be the one who pulled her back.
But then I realized
that's making someone
else's journey about me.
And I've been down that path.
It's not good.
Not everything is
about me all the time.
So, yeah, I'm a little
sad today, but I'm here.
That's pretty amazing.
Hard to get the best of me ♪
♪
[BLUEGRASS MUSIC]
Trouble, trouble ♪
trouble on my mind ♪
trouble don't tell me
I'll live a long time ♪
A beautiful golden brown.
Very nice.
Hey.
Trouble don't tell me
I'll live a long time ♪
Nice turnout, right?
Everyone looks like they're having fun.
Yeah, so do kids
in an outdoor bouncy house
before a gust of wind
rips the safety line off
and little Timmy is a kite.
Should have canceled.
Well, I told you it was
too late for that, you know?
Besides, we don't want
everyone living in fear.
I'm not worried.
[SIREN WHOOPS]
Good afternoon, folks,
and welcome to the Patience
Old Mining Days Festival.
Enjoy the festivities.
But remember, the 1800s
were a dangerous time.
So have fun, laugh with your
neighbors, but also remember,
they might be trying to kill you.
Hey, where have you been?
I need your help.
Check me out.
Do I look like a tasty nugget,
something you might drool over?
Not sure where this is going, but it's
making me very uncomfortable.
Jules the Mantid said she
was coming for me, right,
so I did 500 eyebrow raises,
so my head was sweating
and release pheromones.
Smell me.
See that?
The Mantid ain't going
to be able to resist that.
It's just basic science.
It's also basic nonsense.
You know, I got to get this
Mantid away from the crowd.
I figured since I'm the bait, I'm
going to try to lure it into the mine
where nobody else can get hurt.
Here, look at this.
There's a shaft
by the south entrance that's
got a caged elevator, right?
Right next to it is
an exposed electrical ground.
Now, I planted a pry bar
right by the elevator.
So once the Mantid is is inside, I'm
going to jam the bar between
the electrical wire and
the cage.
And that current should fry
that mother-bugger real good.
Now we just need to find the Mantid.
Yeah, well, if Dr. V. is an alien,
he's connected to the Mantid,
so we just watch him,
wait until they make contact.
How do you know they're connected?
Come on.
What are the odds of two
aliens being in the same town
and not knowing each other?
Isn't it a little racist,
assuming all aliens
know each other?
Of course it's not racist.
They ain't human.
How's it going to be
racist when they ain't even
a part of the superior race?
What the hell?
Why's he looking at me?
I'm the looker. He's the lookee.
Lookers look.
Lookees get looked at.
See, if he was human,
he would know that.
Stupid alien.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, really?
Guess you got tired of trying
to steal my best friend,
so instead, you thought
you'd steal my costume.
Judy, I don't have time for this.
Oh, who's Judy? No, no.
I'm biddy Henshaw, first
female miner in Patience.
[LAUGHS] I wear
the same thing every year,
and I tell the story of
biddy Henshaw for the festival,
and I know you know
that because last year
you threw a tomato at me.
Are you even wearing
panties made out of burlap?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Why are you staring at the sheriff?
Because the Mantid is hunting him,
and once it appears and attacks,
I will squirt it with my manticide.
You mean my manticide?
We will settle ownership
once my legal team
has reviewed the contract.
Hi. Ok.
What is the plan here?
How are you going to kill the Mantid
with all these people around?
Little Asta, could you
please tell this time-traveling
newsie that she is a bad friend
and I'm not talking to her?
Little Asta, could you
tell this alien toddler
to quit pouting because we have
bigger things to deal with?
I refuse to be a part
of this dysfunctional triangle.
You know, maybe real friends
support their friends no matter
what they choose to do,
because, I don't know,
they just want them to be happy.
Yes, or maybe real friends do not
abandon you after you have
planned an entire pizza
city future for them.
- Ah
- uh, guys.
Where'd Sheriff Mike go?
This is your fault
because you distracted me.
And now I want pizza.
I don't know what is going on with him.
I told him I'm not even
planning on leaving town.
I get it.
Chasing dreams isn't easy.
I ventured out into the great unknown.
It's tough out there.
Ok, I'll take that under advisement.
For now, we need a real plan.
Harry has a plan.
He's using Sheriff Mike as bait.
And once the Mantid goes after him,
he's going to blast
it with my manticide.
Mike stalking Harry?
Harry tailing Mike?
It's ridiculous.
Hey, kid, do you know
if any of these booths
sell cream for a butt rash?
This is so unfair.
Sahar's at the festival,
helping Harry kill the Mantid.
And I'm going grocery
shopping with my mom
and baby space sister.
Please don't call her that,
or moon baby or starship Sally.
You'll give her a complex.
I'm the only one that
can actually see aliens.
It's the one thing I'm good at.
I told you,
your dad and I will not risk
anything happening to you.
Nothing's going to happen to me.
I've got protection.
What the hell is that?
It's a taser that can zap aliens.
[BUZZING]
Ah!
Ok, that is it, all right?
No more alien hunting.
You are grounded.
You are so grounded, from everything.
- [BABY COOS]
- Fill her up?
Hi.
Yes.
And could you check the tire
pressures, too, please?
- Yeah.
- Thank you so much.
Max?
Max!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Max!
♪
[KNOCKING]
Jules?
Are you here?
I called a bunch of times.
♪
[EERIE MUSIC]
♪
[GASPS]
[GASPING]
♪
Don't it feel so good to know ♪
you ain't done nothing wrong? ♪
Don't it feel so good to know ♪
you've been right all along? ♪
Don't it feel so good to know ♪
that you are the one ♪
to always be on the trigger
side of the gun? ♪
You go on ♪
I'll be on the bench tonight ♪
I don't need to be there ♪
when your torch is burning bright ♪
'cause it's throw that rock ♪
it's hide your hand ♪
everybody's gotta
choose a side again ♪
divide and conquer ♪
that's the game, my friend ♪
there ain't nothing
new under the sun ♪
come on now ♪
let's call for the head ♪
Well, well, well.
Ha-ha, look who's crawling back.
I came for the meat, not the man.
Deep-fried beats grudges every time.
[LAUGHS]
I'll be on the bench tonight ♪
I don't need to be there ♪
I know who you are.
Your secret's out.
Your secret is out.
You're an alien.
You have nightmares
about a cupcake monster
that's going to bite off your butt.
Hey! Come on.
I told you that
in the sanctity of therapy.
You can't be saying
that shit out in public.
Deputy, what are you doing here?
I thought we agreed to split up.
I know, but Asta grabbed me,
and honestly,
she is stronger than she looks.
Ok, now that you're all here
the other day, you asked
me about the person
in the trail cam.
Well, it wasn't Joseph.
It was Harry.
And it's time that we
come out with this.
Harry is an alien.
- They know.
- We know.
- We figured it out.
- What?
We know, but thanks
for confirming you've been
hanging out with a shady-ass alien.
Shady?
Like a cupcake monster?
Just shut your goddamn mouth.
Oh, shut it.
Harry is a lot of things, ok?
He's annoying and selfish,
and he is easily
distracted by turkey legs.
But he is not shady.
He's a really good alien, and
he's got pretty awesome powers.
And you just need to get over
yourselves and work together.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go
tell Biddy Henshaw's story.
Just so we're clear,
I still don't trust you.
And I don't usually
work with a partner.
Right, because I'm just
his emotional support deputy.
[BLUEGRASS MUSIC]
♪
Kate?
D'Arcy, I really have to go.
I just need a second.
About the pictures?
I realize now it wasn't
about helping you.
It was about me.
I guess I kind have a habit
of making things about myself.
I didn't see it then, but I
I do now.
So if you don't want
me around, I get it.
But just know that I'm here for you.
For you, however that looks.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
[BABBLES]
♪
Can you watch her for me?
I've got to go find Max,
and I need to leave
her with someone I can trust.
Yeah, of course.
Hi.
- [WHINES]
- Well, hey.
♪
If I'm gone for a while,
here's a key to my house.
Oh, I already have one.
Right.
Hmm.
Thank you.
[BABBLES]
[LAUGHS] Hi, Isabella.
Hello, Bella.
[BABBLES]
Hey, belle.
How's it going, belle?
You probably should get
a nickname or something.
How about Daisy? Yeah.
Don't tell your mom.
You ever feel like the world
is daring you to make a move,
like every step forward is a fight
and every step back is surrender?
For me, Biddy Henshaw, that's
what it felt like when I packed
up what little I had and headed
out to Patience in the 1800s.
I was a widow with two kids,
leaving the only home
I'd ever known behind.
All I had was a sliver of hope
that something better might
be waiting for me out there.
And when I got to Patience,
I didn't find much.
But I found a way.
I became a miner, the first
female one, I might add.
[TENSE MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
I wonder if Biddy ever
felt scared before leaving.
She must have, right?
Maybe she felt stuck,
held in place by fear,
just not knowing what
else was out there.
Who knows if she ever knew, for sure,
what the right choice was?
But she made one.
And she didn't let herself
stay stuck forever.
I guess that's what really matters.
[GASPS]
[LAUGHTER]
[CHATTER]
Judy!
[LAUGHTER]
So you've got a glowing finger,
you know, and can levitate
stuff with your mind,
or is that strictly an E.T. thing?
That is offensive.
What if I asked, do all sheriffs
have a badge and a gun?
We do.
Oh.
Well, mine just does this.
This one does this.
Listen, once we bait
the Mantid into the mine
and into the elevator,
we're going to fry
it with electricity, right?
You know, if we save the town, maybe
they'll even build a statue
of us in the town square.
I'd prefer a memorial Plaza,
with an eternal flame.
No, no. Flames are too flashy.
Plus, they go out. A statue?
A statue's forever.
You can push over a statue.
Not mine.
I'm going to design
it myself, and I'm going
to make it 8% bigger
than my actual size, see.
That's the sweet spot,
where people look at it,
and they say, oh my goodness.
I didn't know he was that big, but not
so big that they say, oh, my goodness,
this guy's compensating.
Sheriff?
I just saw a
suspicious-looking man heading
into the mine's north entrance,
and he was smoking a cigarette.
10-4, deputy. Keep your eye out.
We're going to go in.
All right, Doc.
Get your game face on.
Is there time for more turkey leg?
No.
All right, come on.
Max, just in time.
Harry's about to go into the mine.
Harry, wait!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
I see it.
I see the Mantid.
♪
That's just Deputy Liv.
♪
No, it's not.
♪
Deputy Liv is the Mantid.
sync & corrections awaqeded
If it isn't you now, then
you're waiting your turn ♪
you go on ♪
I'll be on the bench tonight ♪
I don't need to be there ♪
when your torch is burning bright ♪
'cause it's throw that rock,
it's hide your hand ♪
everybody's got
to choose a side again ♪
divide and conquer,
that's the game, my friend ♪
there ain't nothing new
under the sun ♪
[THE DEVIL MAKES THREE'S
"DIVIDE AND CONQUER"]
[DRAMATIC TONE]
[GRUNTS]
Previously on "Resident Alien"
[LAUGHING]
Welcome, again, to my podcast,
where I will discuss the search
for Peter Bach's son, Robert.
Good work, deputy.
This alien stuff, it's all connected.
[GUNSHOT]
The Mantid might still be alive.
You can't kill me, but I can kill you.
And how's little Leroy?
Starting to kick like
a little fancy dancer.
I decided to stop drinking,
and I found an AA meeting.
So now that the baby
is safe, I want to tell
Ben and Kate the truth.
You killed your own dad to save me.
Don't make it weird.
[GRUNTS]
[BABY COOS]
What the
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
Hey.
Looks like I got to pack up.
♪
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
You comfortable in there?
Sorry, Jules, you can't come with me.
But you've been such a good host.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[GROANING]
♪
[BLUES MUSIC]
♪
Humans do not like change.
They find comfort in their
lives staying the same.
I think for humans, seeing
your son hugging an alien
does not count as comfort.
[SIGHS]
Could you please cover up the
dead alien statue father thing?
It's making me want to barf.
Do not disrespect my dead
father, who I just murdered.
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
Thank you for turning
back into a human.
That was a lot.
It was easy.
It was like putting on a coat,
one with broad shoulders, great hair,
and nipples like Spanish doubloons.
Well, thanks for ruining
history and nipples for us.
So now, you know I am an alien.
[LAUGHS] And we are not too different.
Now get out.
I need to break up
my father into pieces,
turn him into a rock
garden by the lake.
Not so fast.
We still have a few questions.
So you really went to space?
Was it neat?
Did you did you
learn anything, or
it seems like a question
you could ask on the way home.
And why are you asking him like he
just went on some school trip?
He left the planet.
I was only up there
for, like, 10 minutes.
And then when I got back,
I grew a beard because I
- touched one of Harry's balls.
- I knew it.
What?
[BABY CRYING]
Metal spheres.
It's alien technology from my planet
to assist me if I got lost.
And did you say, I knew it?
Do you think I'm scrotum-ing your son?
I'm no freak.
I like birds.
[SQUEALS]
What the hell is that thing?
This is my son!
I don't call your son a thing.
He calls me a shaved squirrel,
pinky, mouse baby, maxi pad.
[SNICKERS]
- [SQUEALS]
- No more screen time!
What the hell is happening?
There's there's little aliens?
Mm-hmm.
There's praying mantis aliens
- why not?
- On earth?
How could you keep this all a secret?
Yeah.
Buddy, you didn't think
to tell us that the town
doctor is an alien?
You know, he prescribes Adderall,
but sometimes won't.
I did tell you.
You told me I was broken and
wanted to send me to a school
in Georgia for special kids.
I mean, it was a nice school.
Mm-hmm.
They they had horses.
They did.
Does anybody want coffee?
Dinglebutt?
Oh, I call him that, too.
[LAUGHS]
Lena, it's me.
I was right about Jules
being an alien, ok?
So could you just give me a
call when you get this message?
And just know I'm pretty
sure Cletus is farting
because he misses you, ok?
[FARTS]
[SIGHS]
Did you get a hold of her?
Well, she thinks I'm crazy.
I mean, [LAUGHS] I sit in a car
for hours, stalking a woman.
She goes out for a cigarette,
I put a bullet through her,
and I'm the crazy one?
[LAUGHS]
I'm still trying
to process that I had drinks
with a Mantid,
and she stuck me with the bill.
What a b-i-t-c-h. You know what?
She's a murderer.
I'll just say bitch.
[PANTING]
[FARTS]
- [BARKS]
- Oh.
Did you you send
a car over to Lena's?
Yeah, they're keeping an eye on her.
They also searched Jules'
house, found nothing.
She's gone.
We got to put a stop to this thing.
Old mining days starts
the day after tomorrow.
It sounds like this Mantid's planning
on turning it
into an all-you-can-eat buffet,
with me as a side dish.
I'm no damn floppy broccolini.
Hell, I'm a fully loaded baked
potato, with extra bacon.
Damn.
Now I'm hungry for something
as delicious as myself.
So you lied when you said
that Harry wasn't an alien.
He wasn't an alien then.
My life has been a roller coaster.
Hi.
We need to talk.
Why do humans have
so many knock-knock jokes
if they never knock, knock?
We saw your car outside.
You guys just hanging out?
That's us.
We're the family who hangs
out with the town doctor,
who happens to be an alien.
Remember your therapy.
Go to your happy place.
They saw Max hugging
me in my alien form
after I killed my father.
His corpse is under that blanket.
I got my alien energy back
after the tube fell out
of his crotch and it broke.
[LAUGHS]
Big day.
Normally, that would
be a lot to take in,
but it's disturbing how not
disturbing all that sounds.
Hmm.
Well, you know what's really
disturbing, is the fact
that this whole time, the two of you
have known about our baby
and you didn't tell us.
That's why we're here.
We decided to finally
tell you guys everything.
We just came to tell Harry first.
But you're already here, and he told
you, so two birds, one stone.
You really expect me to believe that?
Keeping this a secret from you, Kate,
has been torture for me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that lying
to us about our baby
has been so tough for you.
What can I do to ease your pain?
Hey, hey, look, I know
this is all really upsetting,
but D'Arcy's been through a lot lately.
It's ok.
It's all right.
I'm sober now.
You're sober?
Well, that's great.
Yeah, thanks.
I've been going to aa, so
oh, I'm sorry, I
just thought you meant
you were sober right now.
So you assume I'm always drunk.
Your coffee mug says wine time.
- That was a gift from you.
- Oh, yeah.
Why would I leave Patience to see
the world when I have all the
excitement I need right here?
[LAUGHS]
I know you're mad, but we were
just trying to protect Daisy.
You named our baby?
You were planning on leaving
Patience without telling me?
What? Oh, no.
It's just something my dad brought up.
Look, Ben, Kate, I'm sorry, ok?
I swear we were going to tell
you guys, but it wasn't safe.
The Greys were watching you, ok?
And Harry said
yes, of course.
Harry, who, apparently, is an
alien, making decisions like he
knows what's best for our family.
Well, guess what. He doesn't.
Harry is the one who
convinced the Greys
to leave your baby alone.
He literally put himself
up as collateral.
And he killed his
own father to save me.
And I ruined a perfectly
good fireplace poker doing it.
Well, despite your many sacrifices,
I would really appreciate
if you would leave
my family alone from now on.
You are in my house.
I mean it, ok?
Hey, why don't we call sheriff Mike?
We'll see what he thinks about it.
You cannot tell anyone,
especially Mike and Liv.
Harry's trying to stop the Mantid.
The last thing he needs is
Mike and Liv slowing him down.
Sorry. No, I cannot lie to Mike.
He always knows.
I won't be able to look him in the eye.
I would poke your eyes out,
but my fireplace poker
is stuck in my dead father.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
Ben, hey.
We need to talk.
♪
Eek!
Didn't you hear me?
- I said we need to talk.
- Mm.
Last night, I came face
to face with the Mantid.
Hmm.
I think it can read
minds and shapeshift.
And guess who has shapeshifted into?
Jules Gardner.
I knew it.
You know, I knew the second
she stole my girlfriend,
she was a monster.
No, no, this isn't Jules.
This is the Mantid.
The real Jules is probably dead.
Yeah, well, we all make choices.
What's going on with you, huh?
Why you, uh, keep looking away from me?
Uh, don't know what
you're talking about.
Nothing's going on.
Ok, so if nothing's wrong,
then why can't you look
me in my eyes and say that?
I don't want to take
advantage of the power dynamic.
Well, [CHUCKLES] There
can't be any power dynamics
when there's no dynamics.
It's just power, and it belongs to me.
I radiate power.
You're just a figurehead.
[CHUCKLES] Wrong, you know?
I approve budgets, make proclamations.
I am the last word in who wins
the chili cook-off every year.
And I came up with the new town
motto, small town, big hearts.
You know, I pretty much run this town.
Good.
Then cancel old mining days.
Huh?
What?
That's impossible.
Every hotel in town is booked.
Including the one where
the Mantid ate the guy's head?
I'd have to petition the town council,
and they don't meet until next week.
But come on.
Hang on here.
You know, as as mayor, I will
use every weapon in my arsenal
to protect the townspeople.
Ok, so just the megaphone
and the oversized gavel you
use to call meetings to order.
It's not oversize.
It's proportional to the gavel block.
Sure it is.
Well, let's just hope the new
town motto doesn't become,
small town, overcrowded cemetery.
Well, it wouldn't because
the town slogan is up to me.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
Humans should not be afraid of change.
They need to learn how to adapt,
like I did when I lost my alien energy
and that time the diner ran out of pie.
I did not cry about it.
I just followed the man who ordered
the last piece and left
a note on his card that said,
"pie pig."
♪
[LAUGHS]
Whoa.
What is all this?
Your father was right.
We should see the world.
Here are some cities we can move
to after we leave Patience.
New York City, Detroit, New Haven.
Oh, ok.
Are you just listing pizza cities?
Chicago, deep dish.
Oh, Harry.
I told you.
My dad just brought it up.
I'm not leaving Patience.
And if I did, I'd go alone.
Alone.
How could you go without me?
If I went to my home planet,
I would bring you with me.
Then I'd die because I
need oxygen to breathe.
But we would be together.
I take it back.
I hate change.
♪
I've got some juice you're
going to want to squeeze.
Mike said the Mantid revealed itself
to him, one Jules Gardner.
This is bad.
If the Mantid thinks its
identity has been discovered,
it will look for a new host.
I will need your help.
Well, I thought you might say that.
You know, as mayor
of this little hamlet,
I do have the ability
to get things done.
I do not need a shopping center opened.
I meant Max.
I need someone who can see aliens.
Max is a no-go.
You don't need him.
I have my own skill set.
Like what?
I can solve a rubik's cube
in under two minutes.
You are useless to me.
♪
I want Max.
He is my son, and he is off limits.
Ha, ha, ha!
This is classic bravado.
It's a defense mechanism
to mask the fear of being
powerless as a parent.
No.
Don't don't psychoanalyze
me anymore, ok?
You're not even a real
doctor, which by the way,
I will be expecting
a refund for all the times
that I paid you for therapy.
If you do not let me use Max, I
will tell your wife about
your creepy sex dream
with that ancient woman
in your office, Debra.
That wasn't a sex dream.
I was naked, but she had clothes on.
What was the whole thing
about all those moles?
You said she looked like
a chocolate chip cookie,
and you were hungry.
That's why you got out the milk.
You're a weird, sick, little man.
What about doctor-patient
confidentiality?
You just said that I
wasn't a real doctor.
You're not.
So you can forget about Max.
I will not let you use
my son to help you hunt
down some dangerous Mantid.
This refusal shows growth.
You're finally starting
to assert yourself.
I mean, this is incredible progress.
Well, thanks.
Just pay on the way out.
♪
[LAUGHS]
♪
Well, look at that.
Sir, you might want to see this.
I took this with a trail cam I set up
in the Mantid feeding ground.
What is Asta doing
in the middle of nowhere?
And who is she with?
If the Mantid has been active
there, then whoever it is,
it looks like they're
trying to cover it up.
Yeah, that doesn't
make any sense, though.
Why would Asta want
to help that monster?
Maybe it's not about
helping the Mantid.
Maybe she's trying to protect
whoever that is with her.
Protect them from what, though?
From being exposed,
because they're not human?
So then who is this non-human?
[EERIE MUSIC]
[SIGHS] Hi.
What can I get you, sailor?
Remember, just because I'm not drinking
doesn't mean you can't.
Somebody's got to keep
this place in business.
Hmm.
No, I'm good.
I just need a break from Harry, who
keeps freaking out about
this idea of me leaving town.
[SNORTS] Oh.
Why?
It's not like you're actually leaving.
I know.
It's stupid.
Totally.
[SOFT MUSIC]
But why is it stupid?
Because you belong here, you know?
And every time I went away,
the one thing I always knew
was that you'd be here when I got back.
You're the constant.
Yep, that's me.
But, you know, if I left, it's not
like things would fall apart.
Life would go on.
Wait.
Are you are you actually
considering leaving, like
like for real?
No, I'm not saying I'm doing it.
It's just I don't know.
Sometimes I wonder
what else is out there.
♪
Oh, no, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, please.
Oh, I'm not going anywhere, I promise.
Oh, God. Babe, I'm sorry.
[CRIES]
I mean it, D'Arce.
I'm not leaving.
[CRIES] Ok.
Ok.
[CRYING]
Oh.
♪
I know ♪
Mr. Know-it-all ♪
Oh, Harry.
What can I get you?
Nothing.
I refuse to eat anything from
someone who suggested that Asta
should leave Patience.
Too bad, because a fresh apple pie
just came out of the oven.
I don't care.
Ok.
Picked up the store ♪
I got your note.
Next time, maybe don't
leave an envelope that reads
"top secret" in my mailbox?
Ok, ok.
I need Max's help to kill the Mantid,
so you have to invite him
to the festival tomorrow.
No can do.
Since his parents found out about you,
they barely let him out of their sight.
Well, he can sneak out.
Tell him that now, you like
him as more than a friend.
Do you have something
else you could wear,
something that says, I feel silly?
That is a vile scenario.
And you don't need Max.
I've been working on an
all-organic halal manticide.
Here's the formula.
I am so happy to have
my alien energy back.
Without it, I would not understand this
and would have to admit that headscarf
girl is smarter than me.
[SOFT MUSIC]
[MUTTERING]
Are you ok?
Huh?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Just [MUMBLES]
This is not bad.
With a few added elements,
I can make this work.
Since Asta's on break, we respectfully
wait for her in her office.
While we rifle through her
shit, looking for clues.
♪
Look at this.
"Dear Asta, please accept
these earth flowers
"as a token of my undying love.
Sinsreely, Joseph."
Asta's the one Joseph was in love with.
First, she's burying shit where
the Mantid's tromping around.
Now she's dating an alien?
That's sus, with a capital
s and a little s.
What are you doing in my office?
How about we ask the questions?
We saw you on a trail cam
with someone up in the woods,
and you were both carrying shovels.
It's not a question.
That's a statement.
And we found this card from Joseph,
who we are investigating.
Not to nitpick,
but again, not a question.
I have no clue who this "Joseph" is.
Isn't that the hot cop
that proposed to you?
So it's you and Joseph in the picture.
I guess I'm going to have to do
the heavy lifting around here.
Is this you and Joseph in this
picture, question mark?
Fine, yes, that's Joseph with me.
What were you doing with shovels?
Starting a community garden.
What were you growing?
Radishes.
Ok, that tracks.
You can grow radishes
in Colorado in April.
You use miracle-gro?
Compost.
It's organic and better
for root vegetables.
That's a good tip.
See, what I do is I bury
a dead fish in the dirt.
I learned that from a "snoopy"
Thanksgiving special.
Maybe you can discuss
gardening tips later,
question mark.
I hope you're telling the truth,
not just because we're friends,
but because we're cops.
♪
Do you believe her?
Oh, absolutely.
Radishes are cool season crops.
They can tolerate a light frost.
No, not about that.
About Joseph.
Absolutely not.
She was way too quick
to throw him under the bus.
She's covering for another non-human.
But who?
Someone who's been here for a while,
someone she spends all her time with.
[SIGHS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Remember way back when Max said
the new town doctor is
an alien and you threatened
to throw him in jail?
♪
Son of a bitch.
[SIGHS]
It's the new doctor.
He's an alien.
Son of a bigger bitch.
♪
Hot damn, I can't
believe all this time,
it was right under our noses.
Deputy, take a big whiff.
That is the smell of success.
[INHALES] Or it's just the sharpie ink.
That, too.
We should probably open a window.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
D'Arcy.
Can I come in?
Yeah
[SIGHS] I won't be long.
It's ok.
I just put Bella down.
Bella?
You named her.
Yeah.
Isabella Rose.
It was my grandmother's name.
Oh, it's beautiful.
It's way better than Daisy.
[SCOFFS] I mean, who's
named Daisy these days?
My aunt's dog.
Love that.
So much better for a dog
than a spaceship baby.
Keeping Bella a secret
it was to protect you and her, I swear.
But that doesn't make it right.
And I
look, the other night was a lot.
I was overwhelmed and hurt,
but I know that you were put
in an impossible situation.
♪
You're my friend, and I know that we're
going to get through this.
Yeah.
Oh, I have something to show you.
- Ok.
- Ok.
♪
That's her first smile.
That's me giving her a bath.
That's her pulling my hair.
She loves red.
I don't know what it is.
That is her laughing when she farted.
[LAUGHS]
Or maybe it's when I
farted, I don't know.
The point is she knows
that farting is funny.
Um, you know what?
I actually have some stuff to do today,
so now maybe isn't the best time.
What just happened?
Did I do something wrong?
Nope, I just don't want
to do this right now.
I thought we were good.
This isn't about you.
Well, everything was fine,
and now you're upset.
So obviously, it's about me.
[SIGHS]
Well is this because you can tell
I think Bella's a dumb name?
[SIGHS] Look.
I'm just sad about everything
I missed, ok?
And I don't I don't have it in me
to make you feel better
about yourself right now,
so please just go.
[SCOFFS]
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
Chemistry is the science of change.
Add or subtract just one ingredient,
and everything can
spiral out of control.
Friendships are no different.
Asta leaving Patience
would act as a catalyst,
rapidly destabilizing
the balance of our bond,
much like this formula,
which might explode.
I should probably move the snacks.
Harry!
Harry.
Mike and Liv were just at the clinic.
They saw us on a trail cam
while we were going
over to dig up the Mantid.
Your face was blocked in the
picture, so I covered for you,
but it's only a matter of time
before they figure it out.
I do not need your help,
and it's ok if you leave town.
I don't care because I've
replaced you with a new friend.
Little Asta, could you
hand me that beaker?
Thanks.
We're not friends.
We're just partners in a joint venture.
I'm not leaving Patience, ok?
I've got Jay, you know,
and D'Arcy and my dad.
My life is here.
I heard a lot of names, not mine.
That's ok, because I
have little Asta now.
She's younger than you,
so statistically,
she will live longer than old Asta.
Fine.
Have fun with little Asta.
Sorry. It's not about you.
You think I don't know that?
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Hi, I'm Robert.
I'm Peter Bach's son.
I know.
I heard your podcast.
Didn't expect to hear my name.
Since my dad died, I didn't
expect anyone to be looking.
You better sit down.
There's something you need to know.
Your father is alive.
No, no, that's that's not possible.
I I saw him die.
Well, the government revived him.
Like CPR or
more like Frankenstein?
[SCOFFS] I can't contact him,
but the moment I hear from him,
I'll tell him you're here.
He'll be thrilled.
[SIGHS]
Hoo, that's that's incredible.
Until then, can you put me in jail?
What?
Why would you want that?
[WHISPERING] I think
someone's following me.
I know you've been through a lot,
but I promise I'll keep you safe.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
All I can eat?
Challenge accepted.
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
Mark, alcoholic.
Thank you, Dina,
for inviting me to share.
My sobriety date is June 24, 1997.
I have a sponsor.
I also sponsor other people.
And most importantly, I have a
higher power, which I call God.
We all know the ups and the downs.
Drugs and alcohol nearly
took everything from me.
But now I can look in the
mirror and say, I love you.
I'm proud of you.
And just last night, I went to bed.
No debating on whether
I wanted to live or not.
Just went to sleep like a person.
I saw someone blow through a
stop sign, and I got so angry.
And then it hit me
I used to do that.
I'd drive drunk with my kid
in the back seat all the time.
Casey.
I was the best skier in my school.
I had sponsorships, all of it.
I got kicked off the team.
I lost my scholarship,
and I had to come here.
I get that I need to stay sober.
I get that it's my fault.
But what if I stay sober
and I never get back to where I was?
Sunny, alcoholic.
11 years next week.
Whoo!
[APPLAUSE]
I got a new sponsee recently,
and we really hit it off.
I thought we had a good
thing going, talking,
meeting up, checking in.
But then she went out.
So I called her and left a message.
Nothing.
Now, the old me would have gone
over there and tried to fix it,
to be the one who pulled her back.
But then I realized
that's making someone
else's journey about me.
And I've been down that path.
It's not good.
Not everything is
about me all the time.
So, yeah, I'm a little
sad today, but I'm here.
That's pretty amazing.
Hard to get the best of me ♪
♪
[BLUEGRASS MUSIC]
Trouble, trouble ♪
trouble on my mind ♪
trouble don't tell me
I'll live a long time ♪
A beautiful golden brown.
Very nice.
Hey.
Trouble don't tell me
I'll live a long time ♪
Nice turnout, right?
Everyone looks like they're having fun.
Yeah, so do kids
in an outdoor bouncy house
before a gust of wind
rips the safety line off
and little Timmy is a kite.
Should have canceled.
Well, I told you it was
too late for that, you know?
Besides, we don't want
everyone living in fear.
I'm not worried.
[SIREN WHOOPS]
Good afternoon, folks,
and welcome to the Patience
Old Mining Days Festival.
Enjoy the festivities.
But remember, the 1800s
were a dangerous time.
So have fun, laugh with your
neighbors, but also remember,
they might be trying to kill you.
Hey, where have you been?
I need your help.
Check me out.
Do I look like a tasty nugget,
something you might drool over?
Not sure where this is going, but it's
making me very uncomfortable.
Jules the Mantid said she
was coming for me, right,
so I did 500 eyebrow raises,
so my head was sweating
and release pheromones.
Smell me.
See that?
The Mantid ain't going
to be able to resist that.
It's just basic science.
It's also basic nonsense.
You know, I got to get this
Mantid away from the crowd.
I figured since I'm the bait, I'm
going to try to lure it into the mine
where nobody else can get hurt.
Here, look at this.
There's a shaft
by the south entrance that's
got a caged elevator, right?
Right next to it is
an exposed electrical ground.
Now, I planted a pry bar
right by the elevator.
So once the Mantid is is inside, I'm
going to jam the bar between
the electrical wire and
the cage.
And that current should fry
that mother-bugger real good.
Now we just need to find the Mantid.
Yeah, well, if Dr. V. is an alien,
he's connected to the Mantid,
so we just watch him,
wait until they make contact.
How do you know they're connected?
Come on.
What are the odds of two
aliens being in the same town
and not knowing each other?
Isn't it a little racist,
assuming all aliens
know each other?
Of course it's not racist.
They ain't human.
How's it going to be
racist when they ain't even
a part of the superior race?
What the hell?
Why's he looking at me?
I'm the looker. He's the lookee.
Lookers look.
Lookees get looked at.
See, if he was human,
he would know that.
Stupid alien.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, really?
Guess you got tired of trying
to steal my best friend,
so instead, you thought
you'd steal my costume.
Judy, I don't have time for this.
Oh, who's Judy? No, no.
I'm biddy Henshaw, first
female miner in Patience.
[LAUGHS] I wear
the same thing every year,
and I tell the story of
biddy Henshaw for the festival,
and I know you know
that because last year
you threw a tomato at me.
Are you even wearing
panties made out of burlap?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Why are you staring at the sheriff?
Because the Mantid is hunting him,
and once it appears and attacks,
I will squirt it with my manticide.
You mean my manticide?
We will settle ownership
once my legal team
has reviewed the contract.
Hi. Ok.
What is the plan here?
How are you going to kill the Mantid
with all these people around?
Little Asta, could you
please tell this time-traveling
newsie that she is a bad friend
and I'm not talking to her?
Little Asta, could you
tell this alien toddler
to quit pouting because we have
bigger things to deal with?
I refuse to be a part
of this dysfunctional triangle.
You know, maybe real friends
support their friends no matter
what they choose to do,
because, I don't know,
they just want them to be happy.
Yes, or maybe real friends do not
abandon you after you have
planned an entire pizza
city future for them.
- Ah
- uh, guys.
Where'd Sheriff Mike go?
This is your fault
because you distracted me.
And now I want pizza.
I don't know what is going on with him.
I told him I'm not even
planning on leaving town.
I get it.
Chasing dreams isn't easy.
I ventured out into the great unknown.
It's tough out there.
Ok, I'll take that under advisement.
For now, we need a real plan.
Harry has a plan.
He's using Sheriff Mike as bait.
And once the Mantid goes after him,
he's going to blast
it with my manticide.
Mike stalking Harry?
Harry tailing Mike?
It's ridiculous.
Hey, kid, do you know
if any of these booths
sell cream for a butt rash?
This is so unfair.
Sahar's at the festival,
helping Harry kill the Mantid.
And I'm going grocery
shopping with my mom
and baby space sister.
Please don't call her that,
or moon baby or starship Sally.
You'll give her a complex.
I'm the only one that
can actually see aliens.
It's the one thing I'm good at.
I told you,
your dad and I will not risk
anything happening to you.
Nothing's going to happen to me.
I've got protection.
What the hell is that?
It's a taser that can zap aliens.
[BUZZING]
Ah!
Ok, that is it, all right?
No more alien hunting.
You are grounded.
You are so grounded, from everything.
- [BABY COOS]
- Fill her up?
Hi.
Yes.
And could you check the tire
pressures, too, please?
- Yeah.
- Thank you so much.
Max?
Max!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Max!
♪
[KNOCKING]
Jules?
Are you here?
I called a bunch of times.
♪
[EERIE MUSIC]
♪
[GASPS]
[GASPING]
♪
Don't it feel so good to know ♪
you ain't done nothing wrong? ♪
Don't it feel so good to know ♪
you've been right all along? ♪
Don't it feel so good to know ♪
that you are the one ♪
to always be on the trigger
side of the gun? ♪
You go on ♪
I'll be on the bench tonight ♪
I don't need to be there ♪
when your torch is burning bright ♪
'cause it's throw that rock ♪
it's hide your hand ♪
everybody's gotta
choose a side again ♪
divide and conquer ♪
that's the game, my friend ♪
there ain't nothing
new under the sun ♪
come on now ♪
let's call for the head ♪
Well, well, well.
Ha-ha, look who's crawling back.
I came for the meat, not the man.
Deep-fried beats grudges every time.
[LAUGHS]
I'll be on the bench tonight ♪
I don't need to be there ♪
I know who you are.
Your secret's out.
Your secret is out.
You're an alien.
You have nightmares
about a cupcake monster
that's going to bite off your butt.
Hey! Come on.
I told you that
in the sanctity of therapy.
You can't be saying
that shit out in public.
Deputy, what are you doing here?
I thought we agreed to split up.
I know, but Asta grabbed me,
and honestly,
she is stronger than she looks.
Ok, now that you're all here
the other day, you asked
me about the person
in the trail cam.
Well, it wasn't Joseph.
It was Harry.
And it's time that we
come out with this.
Harry is an alien.
- They know.
- We know.
- We figured it out.
- What?
We know, but thanks
for confirming you've been
hanging out with a shady-ass alien.
Shady?
Like a cupcake monster?
Just shut your goddamn mouth.
Oh, shut it.
Harry is a lot of things, ok?
He's annoying and selfish,
and he is easily
distracted by turkey legs.
But he is not shady.
He's a really good alien, and
he's got pretty awesome powers.
And you just need to get over
yourselves and work together.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go
tell Biddy Henshaw's story.
Just so we're clear,
I still don't trust you.
And I don't usually
work with a partner.
Right, because I'm just
his emotional support deputy.
[BLUEGRASS MUSIC]
♪
Kate?
D'Arcy, I really have to go.
I just need a second.
About the pictures?
I realize now it wasn't
about helping you.
It was about me.
I guess I kind have a habit
of making things about myself.
I didn't see it then, but I
I do now.
So if you don't want
me around, I get it.
But just know that I'm here for you.
For you, however that looks.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
[BABBLES]
♪
Can you watch her for me?
I've got to go find Max,
and I need to leave
her with someone I can trust.
Yeah, of course.
Hi.
- [WHINES]
- Well, hey.
♪
If I'm gone for a while,
here's a key to my house.
Oh, I already have one.
Right.
Hmm.
Thank you.
[BABBLES]
[LAUGHS] Hi, Isabella.
Hello, Bella.
[BABBLES]
Hey, belle.
How's it going, belle?
You probably should get
a nickname or something.
How about Daisy? Yeah.
Don't tell your mom.
You ever feel like the world
is daring you to make a move,
like every step forward is a fight
and every step back is surrender?
For me, Biddy Henshaw, that's
what it felt like when I packed
up what little I had and headed
out to Patience in the 1800s.
I was a widow with two kids,
leaving the only home
I'd ever known behind.
All I had was a sliver of hope
that something better might
be waiting for me out there.
And when I got to Patience,
I didn't find much.
But I found a way.
I became a miner, the first
female one, I might add.
[TENSE MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
I wonder if Biddy ever
felt scared before leaving.
She must have, right?
Maybe she felt stuck,
held in place by fear,
just not knowing what
else was out there.
Who knows if she ever knew, for sure,
what the right choice was?
But she made one.
And she didn't let herself
stay stuck forever.
I guess that's what really matters.
[GASPS]
[LAUGHTER]
[CHATTER]
Judy!
[LAUGHTER]
So you've got a glowing finger,
you know, and can levitate
stuff with your mind,
or is that strictly an E.T. thing?
That is offensive.
What if I asked, do all sheriffs
have a badge and a gun?
We do.
Oh.
Well, mine just does this.
This one does this.
Listen, once we bait
the Mantid into the mine
and into the elevator,
we're going to fry
it with electricity, right?
You know, if we save the town, maybe
they'll even build a statue
of us in the town square.
I'd prefer a memorial Plaza,
with an eternal flame.
No, no. Flames are too flashy.
Plus, they go out. A statue?
A statue's forever.
You can push over a statue.
Not mine.
I'm going to design
it myself, and I'm going
to make it 8% bigger
than my actual size, see.
That's the sweet spot,
where people look at it,
and they say, oh my goodness.
I didn't know he was that big, but not
so big that they say, oh, my goodness,
this guy's compensating.
Sheriff?
I just saw a
suspicious-looking man heading
into the mine's north entrance,
and he was smoking a cigarette.
10-4, deputy. Keep your eye out.
We're going to go in.
All right, Doc.
Get your game face on.
Is there time for more turkey leg?
No.
All right, come on.
Max, just in time.
Harry's about to go into the mine.
Harry, wait!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
I see it.
I see the Mantid.
♪
That's just Deputy Liv.
♪
No, it's not.
♪
Deputy Liv is the Mantid.
sync & corrections awaqeded
If it isn't you now, then
you're waiting your turn ♪
you go on ♪
I'll be on the bench tonight ♪
I don't need to be there ♪
when your torch is burning bright ♪
'cause it's throw that rock,
it's hide your hand ♪
everybody's got
to choose a side again ♪
divide and conquer,
that's the game, my friend ♪
there ain't nothing new
under the sun ♪
[THE DEVIL MAKES THREE'S
"DIVIDE AND CONQUER"]